 This is Stink Tech, Hawaii. Community matters here. I'm Marcia Joyner and we are navigating the journey. Navigating the journey is about looking and choosing our paths in life. And if you've been with us, you know we usually talk about what we want and how we want. At the end of our lives, how we choose to live our lives and respect and honor what the rest of our family wants for the end of our lives. Well, today we're not going to talk about the end of life. We are going to talk about the path we are on today. And with me is a dear, dear friend. But those of you that are with me know I only talk to dear friends. Dr. Lila Berg. Lila has been a friend for more years and I can count her neighbors. And she was a former member of the House of Representatives. And she's much too nice to have been involved in that. Oh my God, the pillow key that goes on in that square building. But you know we've talked about that. However, Lila is also a PhD in education. She was a principal and an incredible amount of biography that we don't need to talk about today. Just trust me that this is going to be a wonderful afternoon. We are talking today about her book, Praise or Leaving the Gilded Cage. Aloha, Lila. Aloha, Marsha. Thank you very much for inviting me and for always including me in your life. Oh, it's been a pleasure, a real pleasure. Lila, tell us about Lila before we get to the Gilded Cage. Well, Lila is actually the cover of the Gilded Cage. It's not me, the photograph, but if you notice how free and how balanced, it was always my life goal to be balanced. I just didn't know I wasn't free. And so with the resume that I have as an educator and principal and professor and I have my own company doing customer service training and leadership development, I started looking at people in my, or noticing people in my classes, my sessions and around me that were just not happy. You know, we live in the most beautiful place in the world and we all have issues with money and children and worries. But deep inside, either we're really happy or we feel that something's missing and something always seems to be missing. And while I had a good resume, my relationships were challenging and interesting. And so when I started dancing tango, Argentine tango, I became more acquainted with what those barriers were. You know, the poet Rumi says that our quest is not to seek love, but to look for and disperse the barriers that we have to the love we already possess. So I started dancing tango and realized it was so hard, not just, not the steps, but the connection because tango is very different. So the book comes out of my learning about me and who I am in the world through my passion of Argentine tango. But with the tango, now of course I don't dance, but it looks so, that you're so intertwined with your partner that you feel the heartbeat, you feel the rhythm. At least that's what I get just watching it. So how can you not feel you? How can you not be totally into whatever that is? Well, and we're not talking stage or performance tango. I'm just talking about tango. Argentine tango is social, right? It's improvisation. It's not rehearsed. And what most of us do, or many of us do in our life, is we rehearse what we're supposed to say in certain settings. We go to school and we learn how we were supposed to answer questions. So the teacher is pleased. We graduate so we can learn how to get a job. And tango is improvisation. So it is not intertwined but interdependent. And I didn't understand that at first. So relationships to me were intertwined. In fact, I grew up in the generation that I was to be even more subservient to a male person and my relationship. How does one keep who they are in a relationship, even with a boss, with a supervisor, with your children, maintain who you are and still have that relationship? And so what tango taught me was to keep my own access and my own balance, listen to the invitation that the leader gives me and make my response. So tango is really like a conversation. It is a relationship in that moment. It looks very sensuous and sexy and connected because we're focusing. And what I started writing about was wouldn't it be wonderful to be that focused in life, to really listen to what people say to us and respond not how we think we should, so we're liked and we are accepted, but that it's the truth between us. And so how long did it take to discover that part of you? What and when? How did all that come about? I'm still discovering. So this is the first book in the trilogy. I'm still discovering. But the writing actually took nine months. Nine months from writing to publishing and to distributing. So it's like birthing a baby. That's exactly where I was going with that. At the time it was, it was really important for me to share stories of other people too and their journey. So this is the journey of people becoming more free to be who they are. And the key really is to open the connection between your soul and the heart. And we have been trained to think from the neck up. Well, as women, and especially at my age, we were taught, at least I was, that we sit a certain way and you cross your feet at your ankles. And in those days we even wore white gloves. Oh my God. But not after Labor Day? No, no, no. Right. And patent leather shoes? Right. Yes. Only after Easter? And don't speak so loud? Yes. And they just don't cry? Children were seen and not heard. And I had a lot to say and I was a horrible little girl because I was so unhappy because I wanted to talk. I had something to say. I understand. I understand. I was like, no you don't. And so we construct the cages around us but sometimes they're replaced in them by society, by culture, by our families. And when we finally realized that there is a cage, so I didn't really even realize there was a cage. My life was wonderful. Not good. I had a good employment and my son was healthy and relationships came and go. But I was caged in who I was. And as I started dancing and realized that my feet could move in certain ways. So Tango really only has four steps. Forward, backward, around, into the side, like life. Yeah. So it was really challenging to be in a relationship with music, with the floor, and with another human being improvisationally. There was no script. That was really scary. It was really hard. How long did it take you to do that? Well, I'm still learning Tango. Yeah. I'm still becoming better at it. But it changes because you dance not with a partner, not the same partner. So every time the music starts, you know, especially in Buenos Aires, in the traditional Milangas or salons, you do an eye contact with the gentleman and it's kind of like, do you want to? Yes, I do. Thank you. And then you go on the floor and sometimes I don't even, I don't know him. I don't know who the man is or how he dances. And so I have to be really paying attention. The real challenge now, and this is the second book, so the second book is called Arriving with Open Wings, is when we are in a relationship and we're getting to know the other person, how do we hold our own, but also know our boundaries? Because like on the dance floor, someone's pushing me or holding me too tight and I can't breathe, relationships are like that too. How do I gracefully get out of it? Or just say thank you very much. Now, why did you choose to go to Buenos Aires? You know, it was just a fluke, one of those things. I was a speaker at a World Indigenous People's Conference in Cusco in Peru and my girlfriend says, well as long as you're in South America, why don't you visit Buenos Aires? It's the Paris of South America. And what do you do there as I travel alone? Well, learn the tango. And so I thought I would just learn tango and that's how it started. And it was really difficult. I'm a ballet dancer and a ballroom dancer trained, but tango is different. Now, you traveled alone, you said, from Hawaii to South America? Yeah, I traveled mostly alone. That in itself sort of frees you, doesn't it? Absolutely, and that's book three. Oh, that's book three. Okay. What travel can do. So if we look at this book first in the stages of the journey, the first is finding out really what makes us tick and who are we, the basics. You know, what's my passion? Because I believe that that joy and that passion is a thread or a navigator to knowing more about who we are. And so once we know more about ourselves, we get into relationships with people. And so how do we navigate that? And as we are in the relationships, we have to hold our own. And I believe traveling gives us the opportunity to know more about who we are. So you meet lots and lots of people on those journeys. Is there a reason for the journey or is it just I want to go visit some place? I now travel more to visit people. And I don't have a bucket list. It would probably be too long. I don't like the idea of putting something in a bucket list. I pay attention now to a comment that someone makes or a suggestion. And if it works in my timing, I go to volunteer a lot too. So when I go to a foreign country, like I was in Bhutan in Nepal recently, because it just happened to be close to a seminar I was doing in Thailand. And I went to an orphanage and I teach English or I speak English with the children and I meet with women's groups. I do as much volunteering as I can in the places. And then I get to know how people live. So to answer your question, I travel to learn. Now what about all those different languages? How do you handle that? How many languages do you speak? I speak German and French in English and Spanish functionally. We get along with people if your heart is open and you're paying attention. And I think I have a good ear so I can pick up at least please and thank you. And it's amazing when people know you're trying to speak. They will try to speak English. The Americans are the only ones that don't speak anybody else's language. It's such a shame because when I started teaching, foreign language was a requirement in the public schools. Here. In America. Oh yeah. So I was teaching in a middle school in Washington D.C. my first year and my students were doing better in German than they were in English. German in a predominantly African American community in downtown Washington D.C. It was phenomenal. Wonderful. Well, we need to take a break and we will be right back with Dr. Lila Burr. Thank you. This is Think Tech Hawaii, raising public awareness. I just walked by and I said, what's happening, guys? They told me they were making music. Aloha. Welcome to Hawaii. This is Prince Dykes, your host of The Prince of Investing. Coming to you guys each and every Tuesday at 11 a.m. Right here on Think Tech Hawaii. Don't forget to come by and check out some of the great information on stocks, investments, your money, all the other great stuff. And I'll be. Aloha. And we're back with my dear friend, Dr. Lila Burr. And she has really this wonderful book. Praise for leaving the gilded cage. And I'm learning that we are all in a cage. Somehow, somewhere right from the beginning when our parents tell us, don't do that. Pick it up, put it away, right from the beginning. Be quiet. Don't speak so loud. Why did you do that? Yes. Yes. I don't know if you've ever been in a cage. Oh, yes. You might have felt it. Yes. But from the outside, we would look at you and say, wow, you know, she feels so free. I grew up in a convent, darling, with the nuns. I told them I wanted to be a nun. And Sister Michael said, sweetheart, no, I don't think so. That is not your role in life. Shut up. And I was told to turn the phone off. Well, that was kind of a punctuation mark. Yes. You know, sometimes in our lives, things happen. Yes. And they're not good or bad. They just are. Thank you. And one of the things I share in the book is that when those things happen like this, pay attention. Yes. Pay attention. And what you said was so significant, you know, that you thought you wanted to do something, and it was in your heart, and you were told no. Okay. So you did something else. Yeah. And if you hadn't done that something else, we wouldn't be here today. We wouldn't be here. Yes. What in the world? I think the angels just want to keep punctuating our messages. Go away from, go away. Yes. One of the things about growing up in the convent, it was safe, secure, beautiful. Couldn't the Mother Superior, as now a saint, Elizabeth Drexel, and she created schools right after the Civil War for Negroes and Indians. You know, the University, Xavier University, that was one of hers. And so she could be beautiful, beautiful. I mean, she had all the money in the world. And so the convent was not like some prison. Wasn't a prison. No. We had beautiful Oriental carpets and all of the great masters' paintings and the great books. I know nobody in the audience knows what the great books are. But it was an incredible learning experience. And so as a child I thought, I like this. It was safe, all of the wonderful things. Because we had lived on Saipan, and coming from living on Saipan to a convent was a totally different world, totally different. And it was exciting and new, and that's who you are, too. I think we all are. We're mostly enthusiastic when we're learning, I believe, and we feel most who we are. We came to, this was right after the war, 1946. My father was in the Army, and we were transferred to Hawaii and then to Guam and then to Saipan. And needless to say, being on Saipan after the war was not a pretty place. You know, he was in the Ordinance, and their job was to clean up all these islands. And that's what they did. And Tinian was the island from which the airplane took off the atomic bomb. Yes. So, while I loved playing with children, because we all looked alike, my mother hated it. So there was this hostility at home. You know, she didn't like the heat, she didn't like the bugs, she'd go, oh. And I loved the children. So going, leaving there and going to this beautiful, gorgeous, safe place. And I said, I want to be a nun, I want to stay here, you know. And that's why I, in the title, it's the Gilded Cage. Because Shakespeare said, all that glistens is not gold. Right. And while things seem to be working for us and it seems safe and predictable, that's, it's an illusion. It's a happy illusion while it lasts. And then when we wake up, it's like, oh my gosh, what now? So I think you'll enjoy, this is my gift to you. Oh, thank you, I will. I think you'll enjoy reading the stories of other people. Because we're not uncommon. All of us were given those shoulds and shouldn'ts. And the world needs us now to be who we are. Because we each have a gift, we have a challenge to offer the world. And we need to speak up in ways that create relationships, not pull us apart. That is absolutely imperative in the world we live in now. As we watch it, watch our administration just demolish democracy. That we grew up fighting for this democracy and now watch it coming apart. It's like, this is real scary. So yes, we need to leave the gilded cage. We need to move out into the world. When I first got elected to office and you were there helping me, holding signs. I never intended to run for office. I'm an educator and I was complaining at home and my son challenged me. He says, you know, either shut up mom or run for office. And so I did. And I had been teaching the Constitution to teachers and I had nonprofit program kids voting. And it was a real shock when I got in because I believe deeply in the principles of a representative democracy. It's not just public rules. The public is part of the process. And when my former colleagues were uncomfortable, you know, having the public testify, or I loved it when there were demonstrations at the Capitol, because it meant that people were alive and they were paying attention and they cared. I think the thing that hurts me the most about Hawaii is the sense that there's no caring about, not just the land, but the people's spirit and how we take care of each other. It is, I hate to say this, but we sell aloha. That's in all of everything. We sell aloha, yet we don't act aloha. And that is really sad when we look at the homeless and all they do is move them from place to place. Here we are, the richest nation ever in the history of the world and every city has homeless people. Every city has children going to bed hungry. How did we let that happen and how do we make sure that it doesn't continue? I need us to say, at a hearing, and I told the legislature, I pointed right at him. I said, you know, we are raising a generation of terrorists when we have Hawaiian children living on the beach. And right across the street, we have two million dollar condominiums for people that only vote with their money. So we have to ask different questions. It's not how do we solve the homeless situation or how do we ensure there's caring capacity of water as we keep building. The questions are deeper than that. You know, when we look at a problem, one of the questions we need to ask is why did this happen and also for what purpose? You know, in Spanish the two words make a little more sense than in English. So it's por qué, why, and para qué for the purpose of. You know, when I was growing up, Pinky Thompson was one of our heroes. Ninoa's dad, Myronelita's dad too. And he always asked the question for the purpose of. So even now as the legislature is going and there's bills going back and forth, one of the things I appreciated during my tenure was that there was a group of us who discussed the topics and how they interfaced, intertwined, intermingled as opposed to, I'll support you and yours, your bill if you support mine. So the leadership actually needs to come from the public to require that there is vision and conversation about the pieces that we want to come together, not just a solution. Well, yes, and we need somehow for the legislators because my sense of this group now is that they are busy protecting each other. It's more about that. A friend of mine had a resolution and it didn't pass. I said, how does a resolution not pass? So I started asking questions. Well, so and so held it up because somebody over here didn't hear his bill. So he picked out this nonsensical thing to hold it up. How does that happen? Is it that they don't pay attention to us? And it's more about each other when you have 51 House members and 30 of them ran unopposed. How is that? Why is that? Why are we allowing that? So let's look deeper because the other question is what is the purpose, right? For what purpose is the legislature? Many of our citizens, our colleagues, friends, don't believe that the process really works. The process does work. It's the people who go in them that we need to work with so that they are not run by fear, fear of losing their job, fear of not having retirement, fear, you know, fear, the two emotions are really fear and love. And we were in our cages because we were fearful that we would not be loved. So the other questions are can we create an environment where people can be accepted for who they are, held accountable for their decisions, but not hurt. I think we have a tendency when we get angry at someone to beat that person up verbally, especially. Oh gosh, yes. And our words are so important. I think, you know, if we had school that would teach words, words that mean something. Words have meaning. And how they put it together. That's why it's called the spell. Right, right. You know, I think that so much needs to be revamped but we need leadership. Well, you know again. And vision. And vision. I was at a hearing and I said to a couple, all the legislators there were, I said, take a stand. Even if you don't win, take a stand. That's how Trump won. He took a stand. Okay, it wasn't the most popular. But people like the fact that somebody took a stand and only one legislator in that room said, I will, only one. And he, I've been watching him and he has gone, he's out front on what he is, his vision is. And a stand doesn't mean screaming and shouting. No. In fact, in that building, the more logical you can be, you know, is the right way, but it's so emotional because it's based on fear. And so, you know, I would love to have a generation, not just youngers, but a generation of people coming into political office that are out of their own cages and feel more confident in who they are. We have a generation of leaders who have never had a war, never had a protest, never had been through any of the things that we, so they've never learned to take a stand, to put themselves out with and, you know, being afraid and knowing and discovering, ah, I survived. They don't, they've not learned that. And... So maybe at the very minimum, we can take a stand for aloha and choose to be kind to one another. Well, thank you. We can do that. We shall do that. And again, the book is leaving the gilded cage. It is on Amazon. It is everywhere that you get great books. Thank you, Lila. This is always a pleasure. Thank you. I love her.