 W-E-A-F, New York. A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You never guessed, but Avalon cost you less. Oh, why not always? King saying, welcome to Avalon time with greetings from Red Foley, Jeanette, Bill Davis, and the Avalon Orchestra, and the only man in radio who brags because he can read and write, Red Skelton. Thanks, Lord. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Say, Skelton, did you go to the Lewis and Roper fight? No, I didn't go. I don't think I missed much, either. I was talking to Roper, and he said he's sorry he went. I kind of feel sorry for Lewis, though. He don't get a fight much anymore, but at least he gets around. I used to be a fighter. Say, Skelton, you never fought in your life. Say, microphone, you're making so much noise I can't hear what I'm saying. You ain't missing anything. I feel great tonight. I've been out playing golf all day. I shot a 73. Boy, that's the toughest hole I ever played. Now, I really played 19 holes. There's only 18. I dug another one. Oh, what a golfer I am. Good evening, folks. A little late there. I'm really a golfer. They called me the hazard kid. I was on the fairway once last season. I was in one bunker so long that a guy came around and handed me a paycheck. He thought I was working there. Every time I'd take a swing at the ball, I dug a hole deeper. I dug a hole so deep that I came up with a Chinese accent. On the third hole, my ball went right into a spinach pad. It took me eight strokes to get out of the rough each. On the tenth hole, I thought I saw a snake and I picked up a stick to hit it and I fainted. What I hit was a stick and what I picked up was a snake. On the eleventh hole, I got a birdie. Boy, I was kind of proud to. That's the first time I ever got a birdie without telling a joke. You know, I eat a lot of important people playing golf, though. I met Sally Rand. She plays a good game. In fact, she goes around in nothing. But, you know, there's nothing like getting up every morning at 6 o'clock and going out and playing 18 holes of golf and then come back in and take an ice-cold shower. Of course, I don't do it. I only read what's here on the paper. Well, I've been up here teeing off long enough, so I'll step aside and let Red Foley play through with a cowboy and the lady. Hit it down the fairway, fella. You've got a lot of nice people waiting to carry for you. The cowboy that was paid in by the way led there where the cowboy and the lady... It means a great deal to any smoker. Yes, it's practically the same as putting money into your pocket. Avalon cigarettes, highest quality cigarettes cost you three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Think what that means, friends. It means you can have all the high quality you demand in your cigarettes and still save three to five cents on every pack. And make no mistake about it, that systematic saving of several cents on every pack of cigarettes you smoke means many, many dollars saved a year. Now, please get this point. You can pay more, but you can't get finer quality cigarettes than Avalons. They're 100% union made from the world's choices, Turkish and domestic tobaccos and blended with a skill that cannot be surpassed. You'd never guess they cost you less. You have everything to gain. So give Avalon's a trial tonight. For a little party. Now, maybe if we hurry, we can catch up with him. Yeah? Yeah, he and Miss Dillweiler right in front of the house now. Well, here we are. Boy, this is the kind of a house I've always dreamed about. So have I. Only I call them nightmares. Yeah. Well, it's home sweet home to me. Well, not so loud. People will think you're a termite. Yeah, well, wait till you get inside. You'll love it. It's got all the conveniences. Day and night burglar service, ventilated roof, hot and cold running water bugs. Do you call those conveniences? Sure. If I ask the landlord, he'll even put in a bathtub. Well, let's go in. Do you have a key? Yep. Next month, the landlord's going to put a door on the place. Come on, I'll step right into a real air-conditioned house. Air-conditioned? Ooh. You better send it back and have it reconditioned. Now, look here. You've said just about enough about my... What was that noise? That was my uncle upstairs. He's a nice fellow, only he's a little reckless. In fact, he came home tonight reckless to the gill. He'll be roaming all over the house later. Where's that gang and hurry up and come with those presents? Presents? Well... Did you tell them this was your birthday? Well, not exactly. I didn't say it was my birthday. I hear a screwball celebrating two-day birthday this week. Can I help it if they... Well, see, all look, here comes the whole crowd together. Oh, hiya, Phil Davis. Hiya, skinny fans. Say, what kind of a tough neighborhood is this? I stepped into a drug store to get weighed and a scale chased me three blocks. Don't worry, Phil. Let me have your coat. Say, it's a nice-looking coat you got here. Yeah, it's all wool. And a yard wide. Well, here's a present I brought for you, skinny pants. Gee, Phil, you shouldn't have done it. Oh, no, you shouldn't have done it and got your head knocked off. Say, I think I'll roam around the house, skinny pants, and see if I can find some grocery. Okay, Phil, if you find anything, let me know, will you? Oh, everybody eats like things are tree. Oh, Mr. Skelton, I believe. The landlord. You're just the guy I've been looking for. How did you find the house, Mr. Skelton? Well, I ride an hour on the bus, walk three miles, bush aside a few weeds, and there it is. But you have no complaints. I shouldn't wonder. Yeah, listen, I got plenty to complain about. The first thing is that breakfast nook. Why, that thing's so small, I gotta use condensed milk in my coffee. Oh, that's nothing at all. The last tenant swallowed an olive in that breakfast nook, and they had to operate to get him out. Then another thing, that roof leaks like a sieve. It does? Then I'll have to charge you $3 extra for a shower bath. You wouldn't dare. Another thing, that cellar's half full of water. That'll be $5 extra for a swimming pool. You better quit. You're complaining yourself right into bankruptcy. Oh, this is your pretty little secretary, I believe. My, but you're beautiful. Where did you get such big, rosy cheeks? My father used to be a glass blower. Well, I must be going now. I must be going. I want to sell a friend of mine a beach umbrella. I love to put over a shady deal. This guy's silly. Hey, how are you there, Scalton? How are you, Foley? Say, Scalton, here's a present for you. A nice pair of pajamas. Oh gee, thanks a lot, Foley. Say, by the way, do you have a charge account at Stacey's department store? Well, I know I haven't. Well, you have now. Say, Scalton, where's this? Well, just through that door, turn to your left and follow the clothes line. Tired. Kind of loose and limp. Oh, I took a bath tonight, and I can't do a thing with me. Well, here's your present, Mrs. Scalton. I don't know whether you'll like it or not, but I brought you a picture of me. Oh, Herky, that swell. A picture of you sure is a nice present. What else you bring? Good heavens. Why, why isn't the old clown mercenary? Say, how do you like my house, Herky? Well, I'm telling you one word simply fail me, so I'll use letter. P-U. Oh, listen, Herky, you may not know this, but one night George Washington slept here. He must have been plugged. And what's that hanging over the fireplace? That's my uncle. Well, I guess this is the linen closet. Yeah, but we keep the linen in the coal bin. In the coal bin? Yeah. Well, where do you keep the coal? We keep the coal in the china closet, and we keep the china in the bread box. Well, what do you keep in the linen closet? My uncle. All here's filthy, wealthy, and fullsy-walsy, all isn't this jowlsy-walsy just like tomorrow. Hey, skinny pants, what kind of a party is this anyway? Well, there's no food or cake or anything around here. Well, you fellas don't like cake, do you? Sure, we like it fine. Well, that's funny, it didn't bring any. Well, my goodness, Mr. Skelton, haven't you got anything to liven up the party? Oh, gee, I'm sorry, fellas. I forgot all about that. Tell you, I'll go down the court and get a pint. Oh, now you're talking. Yeah, wait a minute. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five. I better make that a quart. I'll be right back. That's pretty nice, isn't it? Oh, say, fellas, I forgot to ask you about that quart. What'll it be? Chocolate or vanilla? Oh, wait, I'll do it. Sing's the play of lovers' lament. Be still, my heart. Be still. I can tell who's knocking at my door. Love has come to say that we must part. Be still, my ring of a drum. It bids him come and he must go. You're going to start that echo stuff again? Echo stuff again. I've got to make an announcement about Avalon cigarette. Avalon cigarette. You get the choices, Turkish and domestic tobaccos, that have been blended together with rare skill to give you an extra smooth, delightfully mild, thoroughly enjoyable smoke. I guess skeleton quits. Guess skeleton quits. Remember, friend? Remember, friend. Avalons are three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Other popular price brands. But you'd never guess. They cost you less. I mean, you'd never guess. Well, I guess that finishes you and your echo, skeleton. Getting all mixed up there. So the next time, friends, ask for Avalon cigarettes. And don't forget your change. And don't forget your change. I'll fix this guy. What are you saying? Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm a nut. You said it. You think you're pretty smart, don't you? Smart guy. Well, just for that... Just for that red-bullying Avalon course, we'll give us a little more of this. A little sir echo. Carry on, will you, man? A little sir echo. Carry on. Skelton's ancestors, Robin Hood Skelton. Robin Hood Skelton and his band of merry men roam Sherwood Forest in England. As we look in on a silven glade, we find Robin blowing his horn. Little boy blue. Put that thing down before it explodes in your face. Verily, I need this horn to call my men. Verily. Well, they don't need one for what they're calling you. Yes. Blessing. Where are we at? The... The fine thing. If a guy can't practice on a horn out in the woods, where am I going to go? You're asking me. A lady. Yeah. Who am I supposed to rob today? The name's still well. Nobody. One of your spies just came in. He says the sheriff of Nottingham is out looking for you again. Wonder what a guy gets for a job like that. Oh, being sheriff, he's probably doing it for Nottingham. Well, uh, wish that guy had let me alone. All I ask is a chance to make a dishonest dollar. I don't think you'll ever spot me in the woods with my new Lincoln green suit. Hey, how do you like this green suit? Well, with those legs, all you need is a few warts, and you'll look like a frog. Yeah. Now let's get down to business. What'll I do with that bag of gold you stole from the arrow of... Clothes. Clothes. Hey, let's keep punching here. We're doing all right. The labs are coming good. The, uh, people, what'll I do with the money? You better give it to the orphans, the widows, and last year's sweepstake winners. And what about that letter you sent to Sir Crumpock? Do you mean that night letter? Yeah. You know, you told him you'd send... If he didn't send 5,000 pounds in gold, you were going to steal his wife? Yeah. Did he send it? No, but he says he's interested in your proposition. All right. Oh. What hole, Robin Hood? What hole, little John? The sheriff of Nottingham is now entering Sherwood Forest with 190 men. He can't. And I've only got 35 men. What's the matter? Are you afraid he's gonna lick you? No, but he's got me outnumbered. It's so bad that I'm afraid some of his men will get away. Chop down some of the trees. That'll hold them back. That's no good. As fast as we chop them down, they chop them up. What orders, little John? You're a hard man, Robin Hood. Right. And I'll lick any man in the woods who says nay. Nay. The eyes have it. Motion is carried. I think you're scared of little John. What, Dame Stillwell? You think I'm scared of little John? I do. And you, little John, do you agree with Dame Stillwell when she says I'm scared of you? I do. Then I pronounce you men and one. Good to go. There you are, Robin Hood. Goodness me, I've been looking all over for you. Well, if it ain't Alan the Drool. And I certainly hope you've got a needle in thread I can borrow. Why? I want to take a tuck in Friar Tuck. Get that young whipper snapper. Let me add him. Friar Tuck. Oh, for goodness sake, Robin Hood, save me. Now, wait a minute, Friar Tuck. Take it easy. What's this all about? Well, good heavens, I just wanted him to help me find my arrow. Yeah, where was your arrow? Stuck in my, uh, my back. Well, can I help it if you look like a bone moose? It was an accident, Friar Tuck. Accident nothing. He's been sticking arrows in me as far back as the Inquisition. I'll let him go this time, Robin Hood, but I'll fix him if he keeps puncturing my dignity. Ah, you sure saved my hide from a tanning that time, Robin Hood? Yeah. And if there's anything I can do? Oh, go away. I'm busy. Go fly a kite. Go fly a kite? Yeah, get out of here, will you? What are we going to do about the sheriff, Robin Hood? You better station some of my arches in the trees. They can't climb trees. They keep falling out. Well, then let them stay on the ground. I can't have the people to say that Robin Hood has falling arches. Hand me my horn, Dame, still well, so I can call me Merry Men. Are you my trusty, yo men? Yes, yes. Soon we'll be going into action. My yo men? Yes, yes. Hey, wait a minute. What are a yes men or yo men? My sir, yo ain't kidding me. I know a rat when I say one. Get your bows and all of you get stationed. Ready for action. Hey, somebody's taking the string from my bow. Yeah, the string is going for my bow, too. Oh, Robin Hood, look, I'm doing it. Who cares what you're doing? And I had an awful time getting the strings off the bow. Look, you took the strings off the bows? Well, for goodness sakes, didn't you tell me to go fly a kite? Ten cents plus city or state tax. We'd like to thank you for listening to Avalon Time. And next week, bring along a friend and try an Avalon. Thanks a lot. Tonight's show, and we cordially invite you to be with us next Saturday evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Dell King speaking. Good night, everybody. We'll show you through the national broadcasting... ...full of a watch time.