 CHAPTER 7 THE MINISTRATIONS OF THE REVERENT UTTERMUS DUMFARTHING CHAPTER 2 Even with your limited knowledge of business, you are probably aware that there is no higher power that can influence or control the holder of a first mortgage. I fear so, said the Reverend Edward, very sadly. Do you not think perhaps that some of the shortcoming lies with yourself, continued Mr. Furlong? Is it not possible that as a preacher you fail somewhat? Do not, as it were, deal sufficiently with the fundamental things as others do? You live untouched the truly vital issues, such things as the creation, death, and if I may refer to it, the life beyond the grave. As a result of which the Reverend Edward preached a series of special sermons on the creation, for which he made a special and arduous preparation in the library of Platoria University. He said that it had taken a million, possibly a hundred million, years of quite difficult work to accomplish, and that though, when we looked at it, all was darkness, still we could not be far astray if we accepted and held fast to the teachings of Sir Charles Lyle. The book of Genesis, he said, was not to be taken as meaning a day when it said a day, but rather something other than a mere day, and the word light meant not exactly light, but possibly some sort of phosphorescence, and that the use of the word darkness was to be understood not as meaning darkness, but to be taken as simply indicating obscurity. And when he had quite finished, the congregation declared the whole sermon to be mere milk and water. It insulted their intelligence, they said, after which, a week later, the Reverend Dr. Dumfarthing took up the same subject, and with the aid of seven plain texts, pulverized the rector into fragments. One notable result of the controversy was that Juliana Furlong refused henceforth to attend her brother's church, and sat even at morning service under the minister of St. Osofs. The sermon was, I fear, a mistake, said Mr. Furlong, Sr. Perhaps you had better not dwell too much on such topics. We must look for aid in another direction. In fact, Edward, I may mention to you in confidence that certain of your trustees are already devising ways and means that may help us out of our dilemma. Indeed, although the Reverend Edward did not know it, a certain idea or plan was already germinating in the minds of the most influential supporters of St. Asafs. Such was the situation of the rival churches of St. Asaf and St. Osofs as the autumn slowly faded into winter, during which time the elm trees on Platoria Avenue shivered and dropped their leaves, and the chauffeurs of the motors first turned blue in their faces, and then, when the great snows came, were suddenly converted into liveried coachmen with tall bearskins and whiskers like Russian horse guards, changing back again to blue-nosed chauffeurs at the very moment of a thaw. During this time also, the congregation of the Reverend Fairforth Furlong was diminishing month by month, and that of the Reverend Edermas Dunfarthing was so numerous that they filled up the aisles at the back of the church. Here the worshippers stood and froze, for the minister had abandoned the use of steamed heat in St. Osofs on the ground that he could find no warrant for it. During the same period, other momentous things were happening, such as that Juliana Furlong was reading, under the immediate guidance of Dr. Dunfarthing, the history of the progress of disruption in the churches of Scotland in ten volumes. Such also as that Catherine Dunfarthing was wearing a green and gold winter suit with Russian furs and a Balkan hat and a Circassian feather, which cut a wide swath of destruction among the young men on Platoria Avenue every afternoon as she passed. Moreover, by the strangest of coincidences, she scarcely ever seemed to come along the snow-covered avenue without meeting the Reverend Edward, a fact which elicited new exclamations of surprise from them both every day. And by an equally strange coincidence, they generally seemed, although coming in different directions, to be bound for the same place, towards which they wandered together with such slow steps and in such oblivion of the passers-by that even the children on the avenue knew by instinct whether they were wandering. It was noted also that the broken figure of Dr. McTeague had reappeared upon the street, leaning heavily upon a stick, and greeting those he met with such amic and willing affability, as if in apology for his stroke of paralysis, that all who talked with him agreed that McTeague's mind was a wreck. He students spoke to me about the children for at least a quarter of an hour, related one of his former parishioners, asking after them by name and whether they were going to school yet, and a lot of questions like that. He never used to speak of such things. Poor old McTeague. I'm afraid he is getting soft in the head. I know, said the person addressed. His mind is no good. He stopped me the other day to say how sorry he was to hear about my brother's illness. I could see from the way he spoke that his brain is getting feeble. He's losing his grip. He was speaking of how kind people had been to him after his accident, and there were tears in his eyes. I think he's getting batty. Nor were even these things the most momentous happenings of the period, or as winter slowly changed to early spring, it became known that something of great portent was under way. It was rumored that the trustees of St. Asaph's Church were putting their heads together. This was striking news. The last time that the head of Mr. Lucullus Feich, for example, had been placed side by side with that of Mr. Newberry, there had resulted a merger of four soda water companies, bringing what was called industrial peace over an area as big as Texas, and raising the price of soda by three peaceful cents per bottle. And the last time that Mr. Furlong Sr. said had been laid side by side with those of Mr. Rasulier Brown and Mr. Skinier, they had practically saved the country from the horrors of a coal famine by the simple process of raising the price of nut coal 75 cents a ton, and thus guaranteeing its abundance. Naturally, therefore, when it became known that such redoubtable heads as those of the trustees and the underlying mortgages of St. Asaph's were being put together, it was fully expected that some important development would follow. It was not accurately known from which of the assembled heads first preceded the great idea which was presently to solve the difficulties of the church. It may well have come from that of Mr. Lucullus Feich. Certainly a head which had brought peace out of civil war in the hardware business by amalgamating 10 rival stores and had saved the very lives of 500 employees by reducing their wages 14% was capable of it. At any rate, it was Mr. Feich who first gave the idea a definite utterance. It's the only thing furlong, he said, across the lunch table at the mausoleum club. It's the one solution. The two churches can't live under the present conditions of competition. We have here practically the same situation as we had with two rum distilleries. The output is too large for the demand. One or both of the two concerns must go under. It's their turn just now, but these fellows are businessmen enough to know that it may be ours tomorrow. We'll offer them a business solution. We'll propose a merger. I've been thinking of it, said Mr. Furlong Sr. I suppose it's feasible? Feasible, exclaimed Mr. Feich. Why look at what's being done every day everywhere from the standard oil company downwards. You would hardly, I think, said Mr. Furlong with a quiet smile. Compare the standard oil company to a church. Well no, I suppose not, said Mr. Feich. And he too smiled. In fact, he almost laughed. The notion was too ridiculous. One could hardly compare a mere church to a thing of the magnitude and importance of the standard oil company. But on a lesser scale, continued Mr. Feich, it's the same sort of thing. As for the difficulties of it, I needn't remind you of the much greater difficulties we had to grapple with in the rum merger. There, you remember, a number of the women held out as a matter of principle. It was not mere business with them. Church union is different. In fact, it is one of the ideas of the day, and everyone admits that what is needed is the application of the ordinary business principles of harmonious combination with a proper restriction of output and general economy of operation. Very good, said Mr. Furlong. I'm sure if you're willing to try, the rest of us are. All right, said Mr. Feich. I've thought of setting Skinner of Skinner in beatum to work on the form of the organization. As you know, he is not only a deeply religious man, but he has already handled the ten pot combination and the united hardware and the associated tanneries. He ought to find this quite simple. Within a day or two, Mr. Skinner had already commenced his labors. I must first, he said, get an accurate idea of the existing legal organization of the two churches, for which purpose he approached the rector of St. Asaphs. I just want to ask you, Mr. Furlong, said the lawyer, a question or two as to the exact constitution, the form, so to speak, of your church. What is it? Is it a single corporate body? I suppose, said the rector thoughtfully, one would define it as an indivisible spiritual unit manifesting itself on earth. Quite so, interrupted Mr. Skinner. But I don't mean what it is in the religious sense. I mean in the real sense. I fail to understand, said Mr. Furlong. Let me put it very clearly, said the lawyer. Where does it get its authority? From above, said the rector reverently. Precisely, said Mr. Skinner, no doubt. But I mean its authority in the exact sense of the term. It was enjoined on St. Peter, began the rector. But Mr. Skinner interrupted him. That I am aware of, he said. But what I mean is, where does your church get its power, for example, to hold property, to collect debts, to use restraint against the property of others, to foreclose its mortgages, and to cause judgment to be executed against those who fail to pay their debts to it. You will say at once that it has these powers direct from heaven. No doubt that is true and no religious person would deny it. But we lawyers are compelled to take a narrower, a less elevating point of view. Are these powers conferred on you by the state legislature, or by some higher authority? Oh, by a higher authority, I hope, said the rector very fervently. Whereupon Mr. Skinner left him without further questioning. The rector's brain being evidently unfit for the subject of corporation law. On the other hand, he got satisfaction from the Reverend Dr. Dunfarthing at once. The Church of St. Oso, said the minister, is a perpetual trust, holding property as such under a general law of the state, and able as such to be made the object of suit or restraint. I speak with some assurance, as I had occasion to inquire into the matter at the time when I was looking for guidance in regard to the call I had received to come here. It's quite a simple matter, Mr. Skinner, presently reported to Mr. Feisch. One of the churches is a perpetual trust. The other, practically, a state corporation. Each has full control over its property provided nothing is done by either to infringe the purity of its doctrine. Just what does that mean, asked Mr. Feisch? It must maintain its doctrine absolutely pure. Otherwise, if certain of its trustees remain pure and the rest do not, those who stay pure are entitled to take the whole of the property. This, I believe, happens every day in Scotland where, of course, there is great eagerness to remain pure in doctrine. And what do you define as pure doctrine, asked Mr. Feisch? If the trustees are in dispute, said Mr. Skinner, the courts decide. But any doctrine is held to be a pure doctrine if all the trustees regard it as a pure doctrine. I see, said Mr. Feisch thoughtfully, it's the same thing as what we called permissible policy on the part of the directors in the ten-pot combination. Exactly, assented Mr. Skinner. And it means that for the merger we need nothing, we state it very frankly, except general consent. The preliminary stages of the making of the merger followed along familiar business lines. The trustees of St. Asaphs went through the process known as approaching the trustees of St. Osaphs. First of all, for example, Mr. Lucullus Feisch invited Mr. as modious boulder of St. Osaphs to lunch with him at the Mausoleum Club. The cost of the lunch, as is usual in such cases, was charged to the general expense account of the church. Of course, nothing whatever was said during the lunch about the churches or their finances or anything concerning them. Such discussion would have been a gross business impropriety. A few days later, the two brothers over and dined with Mr. Furlong Sr., the dinner being charged directly to the contingency's account of St. Asaphs. After which, Mr. Skinner and his partner, Mr. Biedem, went to the spring races together on the profit and loss account of St. Osaphs. And Philippa Overand and Catherine Dumferding were taken by the unforeseen disbursements account to the grand opera followed by a midnight supper. All of these things constituted what was called the promotion of the merger, and were almost exactly identical with the successive stages of the making of the amalgamated distilleries and the associated ten-pot corporation, which was considered a most hopeful sign. Do you think they'll go into it? Asked Mr. Newberry of Mr. Furlong Sr. anxiously. After all, what inducement have they? Every inducement said Mr. Furlong. All said and done, they've only one large asset. Dr. Dumferding. We're really offering to buy up Dr. Dumferding by pooling our assets with theirs. And what does Dr. Dumferding himself say to it? Ah, there I am not so sure, said Mr. Furlong. That may be a difficulty. So far there hasn't been a word from him, and his trustees are absolutely silent about his views. However, we shall soon know all about it. Skinner is asking us all to come together one evening next week to draw up the articles of agreement. Has he got the financial basis arranged, then? I believe so, said Mr. Furlong. His idea is to form a new corporation to be known as the United Church Limited, or by some similar name. All the present mortgages will be converted into unified bondholders, the pew rents will be capitalized into preferred stock, and the common stock, drawing its dividend from the offeratory, will be distributed among all members in standing. Skinner says that it is really an ideal form of church union, one that he thinks is likely to be widely adopted. It has the advantage of removing all questions of religion, which he says are practically the only remaining obstacle to a union of all the churches. In fact, it puts the churches once and for all on a business basis. But what about the question of doctrine, of belief? Asked Mr. Newberry. Skinner says he can settle it, answered Mr. Furlong. About a week after the above conversation, the United Trustees of St. Asaphs and St. Osophs were gathered about a huge egg-shaped table in the boardroom of the Mausoleum Club. They were seated in intermingled fashion after the precedent of the recent 10-part amalgamation and were smoking huge black cigars specially kept by the club for the promotion of companies and chargeable to expenses of organization at fifty cents a cigar. There was an air of deep peace brooding over the assembly as among men who have accomplished a difficult and meritorious task. Well then, said Mr. Skinner, who was in the chair with a pile of documents in front of him, I think that our general basis of financial union may be viewed as settled. A murmur of assent went round the meeting. The terms are set forth in the memorandum before us, which you have already signed. Only one other point, a minor one, remains to be considered. Does this refer to the doctrines or the religious belief of the new amalgamation? Is it necessary to go into that, has Mr. Boulder? Not entirely, perhaps, said Mr. Skinner. Still, there have been, as you all know, certain points, I won't say of disagreement, but let us say a friendly argument between the members of the different churches. Such things, for example, here he consulted his papers, as the theory of the creation, the salvation of the soul, and so forth have been mentioned in this connection. I have a memorandum of them here, though the points escape me for the moment. These, you may say, are not matters of first importance, especially as compared with the intricate financial questions which we have already settled in a satisfactory manner. Still, I think it might be well if I were permitted, with your unanimous approval, to jot down a memorandum or two to be afterwards embodied in our articles. There was a general murmur of approval. Very good, said Mr. Skinner, settling himself back in his chair. Now, first, in regard to the creation, here he looked all round the meeting in a way to command attention. Is it your wish that we should leave that merely to a gentleman's agreement, or do you want an explicit clause? I think it might be well, said Mr. Dick O'Varend, to leave no doubt about the theory of the creation. Good, said Mr. Skinner, I am going to put it down then something after this fashion. On and after, let us say, August 1st, Proximo, the process of the creation shall be held, and is hereby held, to be such and such only as is acceptable to a majority of the holders of common and preferred stock voting pro-rata. Is that agreed? Carried, cried several at once. Carried, repeated Mr. Skinner. Now, let us pass on, here he consulted his notes, to item two, eternal punishment. I have made a memorandum as follows. Should any doubts arise on or after August 1st, Proximo, as to the existence of eternal punishment, they shall be settled absolutely and finally by a pro-rata vote of all the holders of common and preferred stock. Is that agreed? One moment, said Mr. Feisch. Do you think that quite fair to the bondholders? After all, as the virtual holders of the property, they are the persons most interested. I should like to amend your clause and make it read, I am not phrasing it exactly, but merely giving the sense of it, that eternal punishment should be reserved for the mortgages and bondholders. At this, there was an outbreak of mingled approval and dissent, several persons speaking at once. In the opinion of some of the stockholders of the company, especially the preferred stockholders had as good a right to eternal punishment as the bondholders. Presently, Mr. Skinner, who had been busily writing notes, held up his hand for silence. Gentlemen, he said, will you accept this as a compromise? We will keep the original clause, but merely add to it the words, but no form of eternal punishment shall be declared valid if displeasing to a three-fifths majority of the holders of bonds. Carried, carried, cried everybody. To which I think we need only add, said Mr. Skinner, a clause to the effect that all other points of doctrine, belief, or religious principle may be freely altered, amended, reversed, or entirely abolished at any general annual meeting. There was a renewed chorus of carried, carried, and the trustees rose from the table, shaking hands with one another and lighting fresh cigars as they passed out of the club into the night air. The only thing I don't understand, said Mr. Newberry to Dr. Boomer, as they went out from the club arm and arm, or they might now walk in that fashion with the same propriety as two of the principles in a distillery merger. The only thing that I don't understand is why the Reverend Mr. Dumpfarding should be willing to consent to the amalgamation. Do you really not know, said Dr. Boomer? No. You have heard nothing? Not a word, said Mr. Newberry. Ah, rejoined the president. I see that our men have kept it very quiet, naturally so in view of the circumstances. The truth is that the Reverend Mr. Dumpfarding is leaving us. Leaving, say no so, exclaimed Mr. Newberry in utter astonishment. To our great regret, he has had a call, a most inviting field of work, he says, a splendid opportunity. They offered him ten thousand one hundred. We were only giving him ten thousand here, though of course that feature of the situation would not weigh at all with a man like Dumpfarding. Oh, no, of course not, said Mr. Newberry. As soon as we heard of the call, we offered him ten thousand three hundred. Not that that would make any difference to a man of his character. Indeed, Dumpfarding was still waiting and looking for guidance when they offered him eleven thousand. We couldn't meet it. It was beyond us, though we had the consolation of knowing that was such a man as Dumpfarding, the money made no difference. And he has accepted the call? Yes, he accepted it to-day. He sent word to Mr. Dick Over and our chairman that he would remain in his man's looking for light until two-thirty, after which, if we had not communicated with him by that hour, he would cease to look for it. Dear me, said Mr. Newberry, in deep reflection, so that when your trustees came to the meeting... Exactly, said Dr. Boomer, and something like a smile passed across his features for a moment. Dr. Dumpfarding had already sent away his telegram of acceptance. Why then, said Mr. Newberry, at the time of our discussion tonight, you were in the position of having no minister. Not at all. We had already appointed a successor. A successor? Certainly. It will be in tomorrow morning's papers. The fact is that we decided to ask Dr. McTig to resume his charge. Dr. McTig repeated Mr. Newberry an amazement, but surely his mind is understood to be, oh not at all, interrupted Dr. Boomer. His mind appears, if anything, to be clearer and stronger than ever. Dr. Slider tells us that paralysis of the brain very frequently has this effect. It soothes the brain, clears it as it were, so that very often intellectual problems, which occasioned the greatest perplexity before, present no difficulty whatever afterwards. Dr. McTig, I believe, finds no trouble now in reconciling St. Paul's dialectic with Hegel, as he used to. He says that so far as he can see, they both mean the same thing. Well, well, said Mr. Newberry, and will Dr. McTig also resume his philosophical lectures at the university? I think it wiser not, said the president. While we feel that Dr. McTig's mind is in admirable condition for clerical work, we fear that professorial duties might strain it. In order to get the full value of his remarkable intelligence, we propose to elect him to the governing body of the university. There, his brain will be safe for many shock. As a professor, there would always be the fear that one of his students might raise a question in his class. This, of course, is not a difficulty that arises in the pulpit or among the governors of the university. Of course not, said Mr. Newberry. Thus was constituted the famous union or merger of the churches of St. Asaph and St. Ossof, viewed by many of those who made it as the beginning of a new era in the history of the modern church. There is no doubt that it has been in every way an eminent success. Rivalry, competition, and controversies over points of dogma have become unknown on Plutoria Avenue. The parishioners of the two churches may now attend either of them just as they like. As the trustees are fond of explaining, it doesn't make the slightest difference. The entire receipts of the churches, being now pooled, are divided without reference to individual attendance. At each half year there is issued a printed statement which is addressed to the shareholders of the United Churches Limited and is hardly to be distinguished in style or material from the annual and semi-annual reports of the Ten Pot Amalgamation and the United Hardware and other quasi-religious bodies of the sort. Your directors, the last of these documents states, are happy to inform you that in spite of the prevailing industrial depression, the grocery seats of the corporation have shown such an increase as to justify the distribution of a stock dividend of special, offeratory stock cumulative, which will be offered at par to all holders of common or preferred shares. You will also be gratified to learn that the directors have voted unanimously in favor of a special presentation to the Reverend Uttermus Dumbfarthing on the occasion of his approaching marriage. It was earnestly debated whether this gift should take the form as that first suggested of a cash presentation or as afterwards suggested of a written testimonial in the form of an address. The latter course was finally adopted as being more fitting to the circumstances and the address has accordingly been prepared, setting forth to the Reverend Dr. Dumbfarthing in old English lettering and wording, the opinion which is held of him by his former parishioners. The approaching marriage referred, of course, to Dr. Dumbfarthing's betrothal to Juliana Furlong. It was not known that he had ever exactly proposed to her, but it was understood that before giving up his charge he drew her attention in very severe terms to the fact that, as his daughter was now leaving him, he must either have someone else to look after his mants, or else be compelled to incur the expense of a paid housekeeper. This latter alternative, he said, was not one that he cared to contemplate. He also reminded her that she was now at a time of life when she could hardly expect to pick and choose, and that her spiritual condition was one of at least great uncertainty. These combined statements are held, under the law of Scotland at any rate, to be equivalent to an offer of marriage. Catherine Dumbfarthing did not join her father in his new mants. She first remained behind him as the guest of Philippa over and for a few weeks while she was occupied in packing up her things. After that, she stayed for another two or three weeks to unpack them. This had been rendered necessary by a conversation held with the Reverend Edward Fairforth Furlong in a shaded corner of the Overlands Garden, after which, in due course of time, Catherine and Edward were married, the ceremony being performed by the Reverend Dr. McTeague, whose eyes filled with philosophical tears as he gave them his blessing. So the two churches of St. Asaph and St. Ophso stand side by side, united and at peace. Their bells call softly back and forward to one another on Sunday mornings, and such is the harmony between them that even the episcopal rooks in the elm trees of St. Asaph's and the Presbyterian crows in the spruce trees of St. Ophsof's are known to exchange perches on alternate Sundays. End of Chapter 7 Part 2, Recording by Patty Cunningham Chapter 8 Part 1 of Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kate Adams Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich by Stephen Leacock Chapter 8 The Great Fight for Clean Government Part 1 As to the government of this city, said Mr. Newbury, leaning back in a leather-armed chair at the mausoleum club and lighting a second cigar, it's rotten, that's all. Absolutely rotten, assented Mr. Dick Overand ringing the bell for a second whiskey and soda. Corrupt, said Mr. Newbury, between two puffs of his cigar. Full of graft, said Mr. Overand, flicking his ashes into the grate. Crooked alderman, said Mr. Newbury. A bum city solicitor, said Mr. Overand, and an infernal grafter for a treasurer. Yes, assented Mr. Newbury. And then, leaning forwards in his chair and looking carefully about the corridors of the club, he spoke behind his hand and said, and the mayor's the biggest grafter of the lot. And what's more, he added, sinking his voice to a whisper, that time has come to speak out about it fearlessly. Mr. Overand nodded. It's a tyranny, he said. Worse than Russia, rejoined Mr. Newbury. They had been sitting in a quiet corner of the club. It was on a Sunday evening, and had fallen into talking, first of all, of the present rottenness of the federal politics of the United States, not argumentatively or with any heat, but with the reflective sadness that steals over an elderly man when he sits in the leather armchair of a comfortable club, smoking a good cigar, and musing on the decadence of the present day. The rottenness of the federal government didn't anger them, it merely grieved them. They could remember both of them, how different everything was when they were young men just entering on life. When Mr. Newbury and Mr. Dick Overand were young, men went into Congress from pure patriotism. There was no such thing as graft or crookedness, as they both admitted in those days. And as for the United States Senate, here their voices were almost hushed in awe why when they were young the United States Senate, but no, neither of them could find a phrase big enough for their meaning. They merely repeated, as for the United States Senate, and then shook their heads and took long drinks of whiskey and soda. Then naturally, speaking of the rottenness of the federal government, had led them to talk of the rottenness of the state legislature. How different from the state legislatures that they remembered as young men. Not merely different in the matter of graft, but different, so Mr. Newbury said, in the caliber of the men. He recalled how he had been taken as a boy of twelve by his father to hear a debate. He would never forget it. Giants, he said. That was what they were. In fact, the thing was more like a written gamut than a legislature. He said he distinctly recalled a man whose name he didn't recollect. Speaking on a question he didn't just remember what, either for or against, he couldn't recall which. It thrilled him. He would never forget it. It stayed in his memory as if it were yesterday. But as for the present legislature, here Mr. Dick Overin sadly nodded assent in advance to what he knew was coming as for the present legislature well. Mr. Newbury had had, he said, occasion to visit the state capitol a week before in connection with the railway bill that he was trying to, that is, that he was anxious to, in short, in connection with the railway bill, and when he looked about him at the men in the legislature, positively he felt ashamed. He could put it no other way than that. Ashamed. After which, from speaking of the crookedness of the state government, Mr. Newbury and Mr. Dick Overin were led to talk of the crookedness of the city government. And they both agreed, as above, that things were worse than in Russia. What secretly irritated them both most was that they had lived and done business under this infernal corruption for 30 or 40 years and hadn't noticed it. They had been too busy. The fact was that their conversation reflected not so much their own original ideas as a general wave of feeling that was passing over the whole community. There had come a moment, quite suddenly it seemed, when it occurred to everybody at the same time that the whole government of the city was rotten. The word is a strong one, but it is the one that was used. Look at the alderman, they said, rotten. Look at the city solicitor, rotten. And as for the mayor himself, whew! The thing came like a wave. Everybody felt it at once. People wondered how any sane intelligent community could tolerate the presence of a set of corrupt scoundrels like the 20 alderman of the city. Their names, it was said, were simply a byword throughout the United States for rank criminal corruption. This was said so widely that everybody started hunting through the daily papers to try to find out who in blazes were alderman anyhow. Twenty names are hard to remember, and as a matter of fact, at the moment when this wave of feeling struck the city, nobody knew or cared who were alderman anyway. To tell the truth, the alderman had been much the same persons for about fifteen or twenty years. Some were in the produce business, others were butchers, two were grocers, and all of them wore blue-checkered whiskets and red ties and got up at seven in the morning to attend the vegetable and other markets. Nobody had ever really thought about them, that is to say, nobody on Plutoria Avenue. Sometimes one saw a picture in the paper and wondered for a moment who the person was. But on looking more closely and noticing what was written under it, one said, oh, I see, an alderman, and turned to something else. What was that? A man would sometimes ask on Plutoria Avenue. Oh, just one of the city aldermen, a passerby would answer hurriedly. Oh, I see, I beg your pardon. I thought it might be somebody important. At which they both laughed. It is not just clear how and where this movement of indignation had started. People said that it was part of a new wave of public morality that was sweeping over the entire United States. Certainly it was being remarked in almost every section of the country. Chicago newspapers were attributing its origin to the new vigor and the fresh ideals of the Middle West. In Boston it was said to be due to a revival of the grand old New England spirit. In Philadelphia they called it the spirit of William Penn. In the South it was said to be the reassertion of Southern chivalry, making itself felt against the greed and selfishness of the North. In the North they recognized it at once as a protest against the sluggishness and ignorance of the South. In the West they spoke of it as a revolt against the spirit of the East. And in the East they called it a reaction against the lawlessness of the West. But everywhere they hailed it as a new sign of the glorious unity of the country. If therefore Mr. Newbury and Mr. Overand were found to be discussing the corrupt state of their city, they only shared in the national sentiments of the moment. In fact in the same city hundreds of other citizens, as disinterested as themselves, were waking up to the realization of what was going on. As soon as people began to look into the condition of things in the city they were horrified at what they found. It was discovered, for example, that Alderman Schweffeldampf was an undertaker. Think of it! In a city with a hundred and fifty deaths a week, and sometimes even better, an undertaker sat on the council. A city that was about to expropriate land and to spend four hundred thousand dollars for a new cemetery had an undertaker on the expropriation committee itself. And worse than that, Alderman undercut was a butcher. In a city that consumed a thousand tons of meat every week, and Alderman O'Hooligan, it leaked out, was an Irishman. Imagine it! An Irishman sitting on the police committee of the council in a city where thirty-eight and a half out of every hundred policemen were Irish, either by birth or parentage. The thing was monstrous. So when Mr. Newberry said, It's worse than Russia, he meant it every word. Now just as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overand were finishing their discussion, the huge bulky form of Mayor McGrath came ponderously past them as they sat. He looked at them sideways out of his eyes. He had eyes like plums and a mottled face. And, being a born politician, he knew by the very look of them that they were talking of something that they had no business to be talking about. But, being a politician, he merely said, Good evening, gentlemen, without a sign of disturbance. Good evening, Mr. Mayor, said Mr. Newberry, rubbing his hands feebly together and speaking in an ingratiating tone. There is no more pitiable spectacle than an honest man caught in the act of speaking boldly and fearlessly of the evildoer. Good evening, Mr. Mayor, echoed Mr. Dick Overand, also rubbing his hands. Warm evening, is it not? The Mayor gave no other answer than that deep guttural grunt which is technically known in municipal interviews and refusing to commit oneself. Did he hear? whispered Mr. Newberry as the Mayor passed out of the club. I don't care if he did! whispered Mr. Dick Overand. Half an hour later, Mayor McGrath entered the premises of the Thomas Jefferson Club, which was situated in the rear end of a saloon and pool room far down in the town. Boys! he said to Alderman O'Hooligan and Alderman Gorefinkel, who would freeze out poker in a corner behind the pool tables, you want to let the boys know to keep pretty dark and go easy. There's a lot of talk I don't like about the elections going round the town. Let the boys know that just for a while, the darker they keep, the better. Whereupon the word was passed from the Thomas Jefferson Club to the George Washington Club and thence to the Eureka Club, Colored, and to the Kosoth Club, Hungarian, and to various other centers of civic patriotism in the lower parts of the city. And forthwith such a darkness began to spread over them that not even honest diogenes with his lantern could have penetrated their doings. If them stiffs wants to make trouble, said the president of the George Washington Club to Mayor McGrath a day or two later, they won't never know what they bumped up against. Well, said the heavy mayor, speaking slowly and cautiously, and eyeing his henchmen with quiet scrutiny. You want to go pretty easy now, I tell you. The look which the mayor directed at his satellite was much the same glance that Morgan the Buccaneer might have given to one of his lieutenants before throwing him overboard. Meantime, the wave of civic enthusiasm as reflected in the conversations of Plutoria Avenue grew stronger with every day. The thing is a scandal, said Mr. Lucullus Feisch. Why these fellows down at the city hall are simply a pack of rogues. I had occasion to do some business there the other day. It was connected with the assessment of our soda factories, and do you know I actually found that these fellows take money? I say, said Mr. Peter Spillikens to whom he spoke. I say, you don't say. It's a fact, repeated Mr. Feisch. They take money. I took the assistant treasurer aside and I said I want such and such done, and I slipped a fifty done and I slipped a fifty dollar bill into his hand, and the fellow took it. Took it like a shot. He took it? Gassed Mr. Spillikens. He did, said Mr. Feisch. There ought to be a criminal law for that sort of thing. I say, exclaimed Mr. Spillikens, they ought to go to jail for a thing like that. And the infernal insolence of them, Mr. Feisch continued, I went down the next day to see the deputy assistant about a thing connected with the same matter, told him what I wanted and passed a fifty dollar bill across the counter and the fellow fairly threw it back at me in a perfect rage. He refused it. Refused it? Gassed Mr. Spillikens. I say, conversations such as this filled up the leisure and divided the business time of all the best people in the city. In the general gloomy outlook, however, one bright spot was observable. The wave had evidently come just at the opportune moment. For not only were civic elections pending, but just at this juncture four or five questions of supreme importance would be settled by the incoming council. There was, for instance, the question of the expropriation of the traction company, a matter involving many millions. There was the decision as to the renewal of the franchise of the Citizens Light Company, a vital question. There was also the four hundred thousand dollar purchase of land for the new addition to the cemetery, a matter that must be settled. And it was felt, especially on Plutoria Avenue, to be a splendid thing that the city was waking up, in the moral sense, at the very time when these things were under discussion. All the shareholders of the traction company and the Citizens Light, and they included the very best, the most high-minded people in the city, what was needed now was a great moral effort to enable them to lift the city up and carry it with them, or, if not all of it, at any rate as much as they could. It's a splendid movement, said Mr. Feisch. He was a leading shareholder and director of the Citizens Light. What a splendid thing to think that we shan't have to deal for our new franchise with a set of corrupt rapscallions like these present aldermen. You know, Furlong, that when we approached them first with a proposition for a renewal for 150 years, they held us up, said it was too long. Imagine that, 150 years, only a century and a half, too long for the franchise. They expect us to install all our poles, string our wires, set up our transformers in their streets, in a situation? Of course we knew what they wanted. They meant us to hand them over $50 each to stuff into their rascally pockets. Outrageous, said Mr. Furlong. And the same thing with the cemetery land deal, went on Mr. Lucullus Feisch. Do you realize that if the movement hadn't come along and checked them, those scoundrels would have given that rogue schweffeldomp $400,000 for his 50 acres? Think of it. I don't know, said Mr. Furlong with a thoughtful look upon his face. That $400,000 is an excessive price in and of itself for that amount of land. Certainly not, said Mr. Feisch very quietly and decidedly, looking at Mr. Furlong in a searching way as he spoke. It is not a high price. It seems to me, speaking purely as an outsider, a very fair reasonable price for 50 acres of suburban land if it were the right land. If, for example, it were a case of making an offer for that very fine stretch of land about 20 acres, is it not? Which I believe your corporation owns on the other side of the cemetery. I should say $400,000 is a most moderate price. Mr. Furlong nodded his head reflectively. You had thought, had you not, of offering it to the city, said Mr. Feisch. We did, said Mr. Furlong, at a more or less nominal sum $400,000 or whatever it might be we felt that for such a purpose almost sacred as it were one would want as little bargaining as possible. Oh, none at all, asserted Mr. Feisch. Our feeling was, went on Mr. Furlong, that if the city wanted our land for the cemetery extension it might have it at its own figure $400,000, half a million in fact at absolutely any price from $400,000 up that they cared to put on it. We didn't regard it as a commercial transaction at all. Very rewardly, merely in the fact of selling it to them. Exactly, said Mr. Feisch, and of course your land was more desirable from every point of view. Schweffeldampf's ground is encumbered with a growth of cypress and evergreens and weeping willows which make it quite unsuitable for an up-to-date cemetery whereas yours, as I remember it is bright and open a loose sandy soil with no trees that last will overcome. Yes, said Mr. Furlong we thought too that our ground having the tanneries and the chemical factory along the farther side of it was an ideal place for he paused seeking a mode of expressing his thought for the dead said Mr. Feisch with becoming reverence and after this conversation Mr. Feisch and Mr. Furlong Sr. understood one another absolutely in regard to the new movement. It was astonishing, in fact how rapidly the light spread. Is Russellier Brown with us? asked someone of Mr. Feisch a few days later. Heart and soul, answered Mr. Feisch he's very bitter over the way those rascals have been plundering the city on its coal supply. He says that the city has been buying coal wholesale at the pit-mouth at three fifty, utterly worthless stuff he tells me. He has heard it said that every one of these scoundrels has been paid from twenty-five to fifty dollars a winter to connive at it. Dear me, said the listener, abominable is it not said Mr. Feisch but as I said to Russellier Brown what can one do if the citizens themselves take no interest in these things? Take your own case, I said to him how is it that you, a coalman are not helping the city in this matter why don't you supply the city? He shook his head I wouldn't do it at three fifty, he said No, I answered but will you at five? He looked at me for a moment and then he said Feisch, I'll do it at five or at anything over that they like to name if we get a new council in they may name their own figure Good, I said, I hope all the other businessmen will be animated by the name Spirit Thus it was that the light broke and spread and illuminated in all directions people began to realize the needs of the city as they never had before Mr. Boulder who owned, among other things, a stone quarry and an asphalt company felt that the paving of the streets was a disgrace Mr. Skinner of Skinner and Beatham shook his head and said the whole legal department organization it needed, he said, new blood but he always added in a despairing tone how could one expect to run a department with the head of it drawing only six thousand dollars the thing was impossible if, he argued, they could superannuate the present chief solicitor and get a man a good man Mr. Skinner laid emphasis on this at, say, fifteen thousand there might be some hope of course said Mr. Skinner to Mr. Newbury in discussing the topic one would need to give him a proper staff of assistance so as to take off his hands all the routine work the mere appearance in court the preparation of briefs the office consultation the tax revision and the purely legal work in that case he would have his hands free to devote himself entirely to the things which in fact to turn his attention in whatever direction he might feel it was advisable to turn it within a week or two the public movement had found definite expression and embodied itself in the clean government association this was organized by a group of leading and disinterested citizens who held their first meeting in the largest upstairs room of the mausoleum club Thomas Feisch, Mr. Boulder and others keenly interested in obtaining simply justice for the stockholders of the traction and the citizens light were prominent from the start Mr. Risale Brown, Mr. Furlong Sr and others were there not from special interest in the light or traction questions but as they said themselves from pure civic spirit Dr. Boomer was there to represent the university with three of his most presentable professors cultivated men who were able to sit in a first-class club and drink whiskey and soda and talk as well as any businessman present Mr. Skinner, Mr. Beatum and others represented the bar Dr. McTig, blinking in the blue tobacco smoke was there to stand for the church there were all round enthusiasts as well such as Mr. Newbury and the Overend Brothers and Mr. Peter Spillikens isn't it fine whispered Mr. Spillikens to Mr. Newbury to see a set of men like these all going into a thing like this not thinking of their own interests a bit End of Chapter 8 Part 1 Recorded by Kate Adams South Bend Chapter 8 Part 2 of Arcadian Adventures with the Idol Rich This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kate Adams Arcadian Adventures with the Idol Rich by Stephen Leacock Chapter 8 The Great Fight for Clean Government Part 2 Mr. Feisch as chairman addressed the meeting he told them they were there to initiate a great free voluntary movement of the people it had been thought wise he said to hold it with closed doors and to keep it out of the newspapers this would guarantee the league against the old underhand control by a clique that had hitherto disgraced every part of the administration of the city he wanted he said to see everything done henceforth in broad daylight and for this purpose he had summoned them there at night to discuss ways and means of action after they were once fully assured of exactly what they wanted to do and how they meant to do it the league, he said would invite the fullest and freest advice from all classes in the city there were none, he said amid great applause that were so lowly that they would not be invited once the platform of the league was settled to advise and co-operate all might help the poorest subscription lists would be prepared which would allow any sum at all from one to five dollars to be given to the treasurer the league was to be democratic or nothing the poorest might contribute as little as one dollar even the richest would not be allowed to give more than five moreover he gave notice that he intended to propose that no actual official of the league should be allowed under its bylaws to give anything he himself the president as he had heard it hinted was their intention would be the first to bow to this rule he would efface himself he would obliterate himself content in the interests of all to give nothing he was able to announce similar pledges from his friends Mr. Boulder Mr. Furlong, Dr. Boomer and a number of others quite a storm of applause greeted these remarks by Mr. Feisch who flushed with pride as he heard it and went on this meeting is open for discussion remember it is quite informal anyone may speak I as chairman make no claim to control or monopolize the discussion let everyone understand well then Mr. Chairman began Mr. Dick Overend one minute Mr. Overend said Mr. Feisch I want everyone to understand that he may speak as may I say then we may all participate but that we invite in that case began Mr. Newberry before you speak interrupted Mr. Feisch let me add one word we must make our discussion as brief and to the point as possible I have a great number of things which I wish to say to the meeting and it might be well if all of you would speak as briefly and as little as possible as anybody anything to say well said Mr. Newberry what about organization and officers we are anxious above all things to avoid the objectionable and corrupt methods of a slate and a prepared list of officers which has disgraced every part of our city politics until the present time Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong and Mr. Skinner and myself have therefore prepared a short list of officers and officers which we wish to submit to your fullest, freest consideration it runs thus Honorable President Mr. L. Feisch Honorable Vice President Mr. A. Boulder Honorable Secretary Mr. Furlong Honorable Treasurer Mr. O. Skinner et cetera I needn't read it all you'll see it posted in the hall later is that carried? carried very good said Mr. Feisch there was a moment's pause while Mr. Furlong and Mr. Skinner moved into seats beside Mr. Feisch and while Mr. Furlong drew from his pocket and arranged the bundle of minutes of the meeting which he had brought with him he also said he was too neat and methodical a writer to trust to jotting them down on the spot don't you think I speak as a practical man that we ought to do something to get the newspapers with us most important assented several members what do you think Dr. Boomer asked Mr. Feisch of the University President will the newspapers be with us Dr. Boomer shook his head doubtfully it's an important matter there is no doubt that we need more than anything the support of a clean wholesome unbiased press that can't be bribed and is not subject to money influence I think on the whole our best plan would be to buy up one of the city newspapers might it not be better simply to buy up the editorial staff said Mr. Dick Overend we might do that admitted Dr. Boomer there is no doubt that the corruption of the press is one of the worst factors that we have to oppose but whether we can best fight it or by buying the staff is hard to say suppose we leave it to a committee with full power to act said Mr. Feisch let us direct them to take whatever steps may in their opinion be best calculated to elevate the tone of the press the treasurer being authorized to second them in every way I for one am heartily sick of the old underhand connection between city politics and the city papers if we can do anything to alter and elevate it it will be a fine work gentlemen well worth whatever it costs us after an hour or two of such discussion the clean government league found itself organized and equipped with a treasury and a program and a platform the latter was very simple as Mr. Feisch and Mr. Boulder said there was no need to drag in specific questions or try to define the action to be taken toward this or that particular detail such as the 150 year franchise beforehand the platform was simply expressed as honesty, purity integrity this as Mr. Feisch said made a straight flat clean issue between the league and all those who opposed it this first meeting was of course confidential but all that it did was presently done over again with wonderful freshness and spontaneity at a large public meeting open to all citizens it was a splendid impromptu air about everything for instance when somebody a way back in the hall said I move that Mr. Lucullus Feisch be president of the league Mr. Feisch lifted his hand in unavailing protest as if this were the newest idea he had ever heard in his life after all of which the clean government league set itself to fight the cohorts of darkness it was not just known where these were but it was understood they were there all right somewhere in the platform speeches of the epic they figured as working underground working in the dark working behind the scenes and so forth but the strange thing was that nobody could state with any exactitude just who or what it was that the league was fighting it stood for honesty purity and integrity that was all you could say about it take for example the case of the press at the inception of the league it had been supposed that such was the venality in corruption of the city newspapers that it would be necessary to buy one of them but the word clean government had been no sooner uttered than it turned out that every one of the papers in the city was in favor of it in fact had been working for it for years they vied with one another now in giving publicity to the idea the plutoria times printed a dotted coupon on the corner of its front sheet with the words are you in favor of clean government if so send us 10 cents with this coupon and your name and address the plutorian citizen and home advocate went even further it printed a coupon which said are you out for a clean city if so send us 25 cents to this office we pledge ourselves to use it the newspapers did more than this they printed from day to day such pictures as the portrait of mr feich with a legend below mr lucullus feich says that government ought to be by the people from the people for the people and to the people and the next day another labeled mr p spillikins who says that all men are born free and equal and the next day a picture with the words tract of ground offered for cemetery by mr furlong showing rear of tanneries with head of mr furlong inserted it was of course plain enough that certain of the alderman the old council were to be reckoned as part of the cohort of darkness that at least was clear we want no more men in control of the stamp of alderman warfinkle and alderman schweffeldorf so said practically every paper in the city the public sense revolts at these men they are vultures who have feasted too long on the prostrate corpses of our citizens and so on the only trouble was to discover who or what had ever supported alderman warfinkle and alderman schweffeldorf the very organizations that might have seemed to be behind them were evidently more eager for clean government than the league itself the thomas jefferson club out for clean government so ran the newspaper headings of one day and of the next will help to clean up city government eureka club colored and dorses the league is done with darkness and the day after that sons of hungry share in good work the league so strong indeed was the feeling against the iniquitous alderman that the public demand arose to be done with a council of alderman altogether and to substitute government by a board the newspapers contained editorials on the topic each day and it was understood that one of the first efforts of the league would be directed toward getting the necessary sanction of the legislature in this direction to help enlighten the public on what such government meant he was one of the three already referred to gave a public lecture on the growth of council government he traced it from the amphitheonic council of Greece as far down as the oligarchical council of venice it was thought that had the evening been longer he would have traced it clean down to modern times but most amazing of all was the announcement that was presently made and endorsed by mr. lucullus feich in an interview that mayor magrath himself would stand and would become the official nominee of the league itself this certainly was strange but it would perhaps have been less mystifying to the public at large had they been able to listen to certain of the intimate conversations of mr. feich and mr. boulder you say then said mr. boulder to let magrath's name stand we can't do without him said mr. feich he has seven of the wards in the hollow of his hand if we take his offer he absolutely pledges us every one of them can you rely on his word said mr. boulder I think he means to play fair with us answered mr. feich I put it to him as a matter of honour between a man and a man a week ago since then I have had him carefully dictaphone and I'm convinced he's playing straight how far will he go with us said mr. boulder he is willing to throw overboard he says he must find a place for a hooligan the Irish he says don't care for clean government they want Irish government I see said mr. boulder very thoughtfully and in regard to the renewal of the franchise and the expropriation tell me just exactly what his conditions are but mr. feich's answer to this was said so discreetly and such a low voice that not even the birds listening in the elm trees outside the mausoleum club could hear it no wonder then that if even the birds failed to know everything about the clean government league there are many things which such good people is mr. Newbury and mr. Peter Spilligans never heard at all and never guessed each week and every day brought fresh triumphs to the onward march of the movement yes gentlemen said mr. feich the assembled committee of the clean government league a few days later I'm glad to be able to report our first victory mr. boulder and I have visited the state capital and we are able to tell you definitely that the legislature will consent to change our form of government so as to replace our council by a board here here cried all the committee men together we saw the governor said mr. feich indeed he was good enough to lunch with us at the Pocahontas club he tells us that what we are doing is being done in every city in town of the state he says that the days of the old fashioned city council are numbered they are setting up boards everywhere excellent said mr. Newbury the governor assures us that what we want will be done the chairman of the democratic state committee he was good enough to dine with us at the Buchanan club has given us the same assurance so also does the chairman of the republican state committee who was kind enough to be our guest in a box at the Lincoln theater it is most gratifying concluded mr. feich to feel that the legislature will give us such a hearty American support are you quite sure about the governor and the others you mentioned mr. feich paused a moment and then he said very quietly we are quite sure and he exchanged a look with mr. boulder that meant volumes to those who would read it I hope you didn't mind my questioning you in that fashion said mr. Newbury as he and mr. feich strolled home from the club the truth is I didn't feel sure in my own mind just what was meant by a board and getting them to give us government by a board I know I'm speaking like an ignoramus I've really not paid as much attention in the past to civic politics as I ought to have but what is the difference between a council and a board the difference between a council and a board repeated mr. feich yes said mr. Newbury the difference between a council and a board said mr. feich reflectively the difference between a board and a council precisely said mr. Newbury it's not altogether easy to explain said mr. feich one chief difference is that in the case of a board sometimes called a commission the salary is higher you see the salary of an alderman or a counselor in most cities is generally not more than 1500 or 2000 dollars the salary of a member of a board a commission is at least 10,000 that gives you at once a very different class of men as long as you only pay 1500 you get your council filled up with men who will do any kind of crooked work for 1500 dollars as soon as you pay 10,000 you get men with larger ideas I see said mr. Newbury if you have a 1500 dollar man mr. feich would on you can bribe him at any time with a 50 dollar bill on the other hand your 10,000 dollar man has a wider outlook if you offer him 50 dollars for his vote on the board he'd probably laugh at you oh yes said mr. Newbury I see the idea a 1500 dollar salary is so low that it will tempt a lot of men into office merely for what they can get out of it that's it exactly answered mr. feich from all sides support came to the new league the women of the city 1,000 of them on the municipal voters lists were not behind the men though not officials of the league they rallied to its cause mr. feich said mrs. bunkham-hurst who called at the office of the president of the league with offers of support tell me what we can do I represent 50,000 women voters of this city this was a favorite phrase of mrs. bunkham-hursts though it had never been made quite clear how or why she represented them we want to help we women you know we've any amount of initiative if you'll only tell us what to do you know mr. feich we've just as good executive ability as you men if you'll just tell us what to do couldn't we hold a meeting of our own all our own to help the league along an excellent idea said mr. feich and could you not get three or four men to come and address it so as to stir us up asked mrs. bunkham-hursts anxiously oh certainly said mr. feich so it was known after this that the women were working side by side with the men the tea rooms of the grand palaver and the other hotels were filled with them every day busy for the cause one of them even invented a perfectly charming election scarf to be worn as a sort of badge to show one's allegiance and its great merit was that it was so fashioned that it would go with anything one of the finest signs of our movement is that the women of the city are with us whatever we may think gentlemen of the question of women's rights in general and I think we know what we do think there is no doubt that the influence of women makes for purity in civic politics I'm glad to inform the committee that mrs. bunkham-hurst and her friends have organized all the working women of the city who have votes they tell me that they have been able to do this at a cost as low as five dollars per woman some of the women, foreigners of the lower classes whose sense of political morality is as yet imperfectly developed have been organized at a cost as low as one dollar per vote but of course with our native american women with a higher standard of education and morality we can hardly expect to do it as low as that nor were the women the only element of support added to the league gentlemen, reported dr. boomer the president of the university at the next committee meeting I'm glad to say that the spirit which animates us has spread to the students of the university they have organized entirely by themselves and on their own account a student's fair play league which has commenced its activities I understand that they have already ducked alderman gorefinkel in a pond near the university I believe they are looking for alderman schweffeldorf tonight to throw him into the reservoir the leaders of them, a splendid set of young fellows, have given me a pledge that they will do nothing to bring discredit to the university I think I heard them on the street last night said mr. newberry I believe they had a procession said the president yes I heard them they were shouting raw raw raw clean government clean government raw raw it was really inspiring to hear them the crowd banded together to put down all the hoodlumism and disturbance on the street that has hitherto disgraced our municipal elections last night, as a demonstration they upset two streetcars and a milk wagon I heard that two of them were arrested said mr. dick over and only by an error said the president, there was a mistake it was not known that there were students the two who were arrested were smashing the windows of the car after it was upset with their hockey sticks a squad of policemen took them for rioters taken to the police station the mistake was cleared up at once the chief of police telephoned an apology to the university I believe he is out again tonight looking for alderman schweffeldorf but the leaders assure me there will be no breach of the peace whatever as I say, I think their idea is to throw him into the reservoir in the face of such efforts as these opposition itself melted rapidly away the plutorian times was soon able to announce that various undesirable candidates were abandoning the field alderman gorfinkel, it said who it will be recalled was thrown into a pond last week by the students of the college was still confined to his bed when interviewed by our representative mr. gorfinkel stated that he should not offer himself as a candidate in the approaching election he was, he said, weary of civic honors he had had enough he felt it incumbent on him to step out and make way for others who deserve their turn as well as himself in future he proposed to confine his whole attention to his misfit semi-ready establishment which he was happy to state was offering as nobby a line of early fall suiting as was ever seen at the price there is no need to recount here in detail the glorious triumph of the election day itself it will always be remembered as the purest, cleanest election ever held in the precincts of the city the citizens organization turned out in overwhelming force to guarantee that it should be so bans of dr. boomer students armed with baseball bats surrounded the polls to guarantee fair play any man wishing to cast an unclean vote was driven from the booth all those attempting to introduce any element of brute force or rowdyism into the election were cracked over the head in the lower part of the town scores of willing workers recruited often from the humblest classes kept order with pickaxes in every part of the city motor cars supplied by all the leading businessmen, lawyers and doctors of the city acted as patrols to see that no unfair youth should be made of other vehicles in carrying voters to the polls it was a foregone victory from the first overwhelming and complete the cohorts of darkness were so completely routed it was practically impossible to find them as it fell dusk the streets were filled with roaring crowds celebrating the great victory for clean government while in front of every newspaper office huge lantern pictures of Mayor McGrath, champion of pure government, and O. Skinner the people's solicitor and the other nominees of the league called forth cheer after cheer of frenzied enthusiasm they held that night in celebration a great reception at the mausoleum club on Plutoria Avenue given at its own suggestion by the city the city indeed insisted on it nor was there ever witnessed even in that home of art and refinement a scene of greater charm in the spacious corridor of the club a Hungarian band wafted Viennese music from Tirely's Flutes through the rubber trees there was champagne bubbling at a score of sideboards where noiseless waders poured it into goblets as broad and flat as floating water lily leaves and through it all moved the shepherds and shepherdesses of that beautiful Arcadia the shepherds in their tuxedo jackets with vast white shirt fronts broad as a map of Africa with spotless white weskets girdling their equators wearing heavy gold watch chains and little patent shoes blacker than sin itself and the shepherdesses in foaming billows of silk of every color of the kaleidoscope all the bands are coiled with white feathers the very symbol of municipal purity one would search in vain the pages of pastoral literature to find the equal of it and as they talked the good news spread from group to group that it was already known that the new franchise of the citizens light was to be made for two centuries so as to give the company a fair chance to see what it could do at the word of it the grave faces of manly bondholders flushed with pride and the soft eyes of listening shareholders laughed back in joy for they had no doubt or fear now that clean government had come they knew what the company could do thus all night long outside of the club the soft note of the motorhorns arriving and departing weakened the sleeping leaves of the elm trees with their message of good tidings and all night long within its lighted corridors the bubbling champagne whispered to the listening rubber trees of the new salvation of the city so the night waxed and waned till the slow day broke dimming with its cheap prosaic glare the shaded beauty of the artificial light and the people of the city the best of them drove home to their well-earned sleep and the others in the lower parts of the city rose to their daily toil End End of Chapter 8, Part 2 End of Arcadian Adventures with the Idol Rich by Stephen Leacock Recording by Kate Adams, South Bend