 From the archives of the greatest dramas in radio history, we proudly present Hollywood. Radio Theatre, starring Bob Hope and Joan Caulfield in Monsieur Bocair. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keely. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Some years ago, one of America's most distinguished authors, Booth Tarkington, penned a moving and dramatic novel called Monsieur Bocair. The story of a humble but heroic figure struggling against the inequalities of royalty. Hollywood cast Bocair with Rudolf Valentino, the great lover of the silent screen. Tonight we take our cue from Paramount Studios and their version of Monsieur Bocair and cast it, as they did, with Bob Hope. And when you do a thing like that, you take whatever comes and like it. And I'm sure you will. Costard with a gifted and beautiful Joan Caulfield, also from the screencast, Bob appears as the love smitten barber, Bocair, who does everything but it's time for our first act, starring Bob Hope as Monsieur Bocair and Joan Caulfield as his girlfriend, Mimi. 1774, a mirror of lovely ladies and fearless gallant men. In King Louis Lavish Court, I gather the finest swordsmen in Europe. But in all the palace, there's none whose blade is as sharp and bright as Monsieur Bocair's. Next, who's next, please? Shave today, sir, shave? How's the razor's edge? Yeah, I'm going to try and catch it tonight. What was that, sir? Oh, I'm glad you like it. It's that new ladder I'm using. One moment, sir, while I shave around your ear. Well, you can always hear with the other one. By the way, have you heard the latest about the King and Madame Papadour? Well, it seems that Madame Papadour... No, our hero is not a duke, not even a count. He's the palace barber, Homer Bocair. Homer is not particularly bright, but he's drawn up a nice little trade there in the palace basement. Shaves, wig powder... And tickets on the Irish sweepstakes. But while Bocair applies his razor, upstairs in the King's chambers, matters of great importance are being discussed. At last, Sire, it lasts the perfect plan to avoid war with Spain. It's about time you came up with an idea. At prime time... Please, not my idea, Sire. It comes direct by courier from King Philip of Spain. Well, what is it? An alliance, Sire, based upon a marriage between Maria Princess of Spain and a French nobleman of your choosing. Excellent, but who, darling, what nobleman? He must be handsome, of course. Dashing, clever, someone whose wit and charm would... But, of course, the Duke de Chande. Oh, brilliant, Sire, brilliant. We rid our palace of his fiery temper and quick blade to say nothing of considerable romantic competition. The young blood should be duly grateful, eh, darling? Not to mention a few the older ones, Sire. I couldn't wonder. What do you mean? Oh, nothing, nothing. Except I've observed how attractive he seems to Madame Pompadour. Madame Pompadour means nothing to me, nothing. Oh, have no concern, Sire. What if she does favor de Chande? He'll be off to Spain in a few days. In two days he leaves for Spain tonight, informed de Chande at once. The Queen too. This is a big night. And the court must celebrate. Good heavens, if we're going to have a celebration, I must dress. Get my barber. Get him here at one. At one, six and seven. Here's your bouquet. Here's your bouquet of the King's Father. Here's your bouquet of the King's Father. Come in. Oh, it's you. Home of bouquet, haven't I told you... Hello, Mimi. Why are you still alive? I thought you told me you were going to kill yourself. You think I'm afraid, don't you? Well, you're gazing on a Frenchman who's not afraid to die for love. Wait here, I'll get you a piece of rope. That's not the kind of necking I want. Look, Mimi, you can't do this. Why couldn't you be satisfied just being a scullery maid? Why did you have to promote yourself upstairs? What does that mean? I know exactly what it means. Chamber maid to the King. What's so wrong if I want to enlarge my scope? Your scope's large enough. And the rest of you doesn't need any improvement. Aw. What's worrying you, Homer? The King. And I won't let you do it. Besides, what makes you think the King will look at you twice? As if I didn't know. He won't have to. Once will be enough. Yeah, but he won't be King forever. Comes the Revolution and we'll all eat a giant hamburgers with double-rich malt. I'm only a little barber now, but someday I'll have a big up-to-date barber shop with Life Magazine sun lamps and a direct wire to Santa Anita. Turning me down for a King. I'm a famous barber. I'll show you my clippings. Holy... Go sharp and you'll raise it. Yeah, and another thing. What about those other women upstairs? Madame Papadose and those others? They'll see through your tricky schemes. In this palace, it's every woman for herself. Dog eat dog. Let's leave the Queen out of this. Where is Ethel Brown? The guard's calling you. Besides, I've got to prepare the Queen's bubble bath. And who knows? While the Queen is taking her bath, I may even get to meet the King. That's a fine thing, flirting with the King behind the Queen's bubbles. I'm warning you, Mimi. If you go through with this, you'll never see me again. Have you ever thought about that? Well? Well? Well? I guess you've thought about it. Oh, there you are. Don't care. Get your razor and brush and go upstairs. Sorry, I gotta hang myself tonight. In fact, I'll be all tied up. The King wants her shave. Oh, well, that's different. The King's neck comes before mine. But don't worry. I'll kill myself tomorrow. It'll be better then. Tomorrow's Monday, and I'll be able to hang with a wash. You just wait and see, Mimi. You'll be sorry. I'm the idiot. Oh, sorry, Your Majesty. Did I do something? Do something? That brush. Pull it over right in my mouth. I wondered where it was all going. It's nerves, Sire. I'm just a bundle of nerves tonight. It's Mimi. Mimi? Who's Mimi? Oh, she's your new girl. I mean, she's my girl. That is, she's our girl. Gets around, doesn't she? What on earth are you gibbering about? Mimi, may I talk to you about her, Sire? Certainly not. Here's the Queen. Louis? What's this I hear about the King going to Spain? Well, why not? Royal blood, best swordsman in the land, and from what I understand, he's very attractive to the ladies, eh, Barbara? Oh, well, I'd be too if I used eyelash cream every night. Shut up, you idiot! He didn't say anything. I said shut up! Oh, I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I was only repeating what Mimi told me. Once and for all, who's Mimi? My girl, Sire. She dreams of position, power. Why, she'd like to influence the King like Madame Pompadour. And who says Madame Pompadour influences the King? Oh, everybody knows that. It's all about... Louis, I shall talk to you later, my dear. Please, you don't understand. I said later, and alone, both tell you blundering nincompoop. If I so much to see you again, I'll have your head. Yes, Sire. Two heads are better than one. Thank you, Sire. Now hurry up and powder my wig. I'll announce the news to the court myself. Deshaun's leaves for Spain tonight. Hmm. Who does he think he is? After all, I'm not dirt. I'm a man. Well, sort of. What makes him so special anyway? Anyone can be king. I could be king. All I have to do is slip his ring on, wear his wig and put on his robes. Hmm. Think I'll look in the mirror. Who care, you jabbering idiot? I'll have your head. Well, he can have my head. Better won't look good on him, either. Say, if I were king, I wouldn't go around cutting off everybody's head and stealing everybody's girl. Well, I wouldn't go around cutting off everybody's head. Hey, look at these masks. Oh, the Heskessery needs masks. Got a mask for day and a mask for night. This must be his night mask. It's got knee and an eyebrows. Guess I'll slip it on. Don't shoot. I was just trying on the... Oh, pardon me, Your Majesty. Mimi, she thinks I'm the king. Oh, dear, dear. Approach me. Approach me. Your Excellency. Rise, child, rise. Why, you're the little wench who's been going around with bokeh or the barber. Splendid jabbokeh and so handsome. Bokeh? Handsome, sire? Just don't see how one man can get so handsome. Oh, believe me, sire, there's nothing between bokeh and me. Oh, charming spellers. So witty, so clever. And I happen to know that you've shown more than a casual interest in a... But bokeh is a man, sire. And I'm not interested in men. Mortal men. My interest, sire, is France. How's that again? Sire, I love France. And to me, you are France. Oh, it's just the way this robe fits. Of course, it's a little tight around Paris. Oh, what a moment. Do you know what a moment like this means to a woman? Right now I'm studying from a man's point of view. Don't think of me as a woman, sire. Think of me as the people of France. I'd rather think of you as a woman. It's such a small room. Woof, woof, woof. That kiss, sire. That was for France. It was. Now let's have one for the colonies. Louie! Oh, the queen. Oh, your majesty, please don't misunderstand. I'm sure I shan't. I never do. Do I, Louie? I was just telling his majesty of my patriotism. Good. And I will see that you are amply rewarded. Me and my big fat masks. This is just not my day. God! Yes, your majesty. It's for the French to the Spanish border. Spain, oh, but your majesty, put your hands up again. I'll have your head. Spain, oh, no, no, Mimi. Did you say something, Louie, dear? Me? Say something? Stay right where you are. I'll be back. This shan's darling, leaving for Spain tonight. Oh, this is awful. It's no use, Pompadour. You heard the king's orders. You better leave my apartment. The king? Your majesty, why? I beg your pardon, sir. Oh, your grace, you've got to take me with you to Spain. Oh, it's not the king. It's only... Don't care. What are you doing in the king's role? Not very well. Look, please take me to Spain. I got to see a man about an olive. Out of the question. But Mimi's going to Spain, so I've got to go, too. I'll be your lackey. I'll even be your lackey's lackey. Where are you, sir? That boy. It's Louie, the king. Pompadour, if our heads if he finds us here together. As you run these, I'll even mend the runs in your stockings. Where can I go? Where can I hide? I'll cut your hair. I'll shave you. I'll scratch your back. I'll scratch your back, too. Out of the other room. Out of the bed. Just hide. What happened? The sponsor show up? That's for you both here, out of those roads. Send them under the couch. And you will take me to Spain, won't you? Poor Mimi. It was all my fault. Look at my razor and start shaving me. Oh, here you are, Deshaun. If you're ready, we can... What? Shaving? You would just shave a couple of hours ago. Oh, yes, sir. But when I got through, I made a mistake. I dusted this tin with Vigoril. You? I thought I told you to get out. Oh, I'm leaving. I'll be out of here before you can say Madam Pompadour. Madam Pompadour? What makes you think of her, Barbara? Yes, and what's this on the floor? A handkerchief? Familiar scent, Deshaun. And the lace. So delicate. Could it belong to anyone we know? I have no idea, sir. Oh, it's mine, Your Majesty. I always carry two. One for show and one for blow. Delightful scent, isn't it? I wouldn't give two cents for those other scents. This comes all the way from France. This is France. Yes, small world. Deshaun, I believe Madam Pompadour is hiding in the supports. Fire, to entertain such thought, is madness. Nevertheless, I intend to search the Queen. Oh, for heaven's sake. Yes, my dear. All right, Louis. Start talking. Unless you intend to make more of a fool of me than you have already. What nonsense is this? It's nonsense for the Queen of France to come upon the King of France petting and kissing a little scullery maid. A chambermaid. Right, right. Chambermaid. Furthermore, how did you know? I saw the picture. I mean, I... You know how those things whip around the palace in one keyhole and out the other? What chambermaid? I haven't seen any chambermaid. Oh, then I suppose it was someone else in your room wearing your robe, your mask, and your ring. What ring? Your turquoise ring. The one that looks like... Why? That looks like that one that the barb is wearing. Oh, yeah, it does look like yours doesn't it, Sire? We must go to the same hot shop. Looks like mine. It is mine. So, knew she wasn't a scullery maid, eh? Oh, mercy, Your Majesty. Mercy. Why did you do it, Nave? To save her, Sire. Mimi. Save her? Save her from what? From you, Sire. There, you see? You lying scoundrel. God, God. Yes, yes, yes. Please, this barber. Take him to the guilty. Oh, no, no. Cut off his head in the morning. That's too bad, Bocare. Well, be easy finding another barber like you. When you get to Spain, your grace, look up Mimi, huh? Tell Mimi I'm sorry. Mimi? Who's Mimi? Oh, the little girl who'd like to be like Madame Papador. Mimi! Cut off his head tonight. Oh, woe is me, and right when I bought myself a new bottle of wire root. Do you like yourself, Bocare? I could have you moved to a larger one, but after all, in a few minutes, you'll be dead. So... Hey, hey, that, that noise. What's that? Oh, they're just testing the guillotine. Executioner's trying to correct his sleight. What a way to die. What difference does it make? You said you wanted to die anyway. Yeah, but for love. For meaning, like a man, not like a salami. Courage. The God comes for you now. Come on, Bocare. Hey, can't we put this off for a while? I think I'm getting a sore throat. That'll be all, God. You may leave. Yes, Your Grace. You, you shun! No, Monsieur Rene. You may leave also. Of course, Your Grace. I can't, Rene. Watch, I sold him a ticket for this. Not a word, Bocare. If you don't want to die, do exactly as I say. Huh? We're changing clothes, you and I. Oh, I couldn't give you mine right after I sold him these well-known shoulders. Louis is sending me to Spain tonight, pumping me off for all I know of the obvious woman in the world, the king of Spain's daughter. Well, I won't do it. So you're gonna let him chop off your head instead of mine? Of course not, you idiot. We're both going to Spain. But you'll be the Duke de Chondre and I'll be your lackey. Stop asking questions and get into my clothes. Oh, this is the prime minister. Bocare is going to Spain with us. All right, driver, to the Spanish border. Sir Charles, what on earth is this fool doing in your clothes? I demand to know the meaning of this masquerade. You'll discover that in good time, Monsieur. And so will you, Bocare. And they don't have guillotines in Spain, do they, Barber? No, just the rack and the steak. The rack and the steak, huh? You mean they stretch out and barbecue you? That's right. And if I stay in France, I get the guillotine? That's right. Fine menu, steak or chops. John Paul Field will return in a moment with Monsieur Bocare. One of the great things about our way of government is that if one part starts getting too powerful or begins to use its power wrongly, another part can say, hold it, man. That's putting it bluntly. But it is an idea of one way Congress works. In the legislature, there are rules for procedure and rules to keep the rules from being abused, like the way the filibuster and cloture rules apply to Congress. The filibuster is the exercise of the privilege of unlimited debate. That means once he has the floor, a senator or representative may speak for as long as he cares to. If this occurs, others who wish to vote on the bill may invoke cloture, which ends all debate, so voting may begin. Cloture is possible with a two-thirds vote. It's like saying, we've heard enough talk, now let's see what the majority wants. Then democracy really begins to work. We return you now to William Kealy. Act two of Monsieur Bocaire, starring Bob Hope in the title role and Joan Caulfield as Mimi. Determined not to marry the Spanish princess at least until he's seen what she's like, the Duke de Chandra has snatched our hero from the jaws of the guillotine, dressed him in his own finery and deposited him in the coach down for Spain. Meanwhile at the border, the treacherous Spanish general, Francisco, meets with his accomplices. So gentlemen, the King of France has chosen the illustrious Duke de Chandra to marry our lovely Princess Maria. Where is Maria? She has already left the convict in Switzerland, General. She travels in Cognita with her duena. By now, their coach is well across France. And what a desire it would be were the princess to die on French soil. I think what you mean, Your Honor. Maria is responsible. And what answer but one could our stupid King Philip give? You mean war, exactly. And in time of war, a man of courage might even seize the throne of Spain. General, Maria will never reach Spain. Dad, I wonder where her coach might be right now. By nightfall, Maria should be in Bayonne. Bayonne, eh? Well, it shall be your purpose to see that she never reaches Bayonne. So young and lovely must die. Of all things to happen to us, De Chandra, broken harness, six miles from Bayonne and our coach breaks down. How long before we can proceed, Coachman? So excellency, I hope. And on top of this ridiculous masquerade. De Chandra, I insist that you get out of vocales closed immediately. Hey, hey, look down the road. There's a coach coming. I'll stop. They wouldn't even stop and help us. I guess I should have shown them a little more leg. Look here, did you see what I saw inside the coach? Yeah, women, two of them. Well, what are we waiting for? I'll take the young ones. Oh, what an angel, what a vision. I think the one with the mustache likes you. She may be a little old, but driver, I need one of our horses. Make it two while you're at it, driver. De Chandra, you're supposed to be a bridegroom. I'll route to your marriage. Yes, to a woman I've never even seen. Well, he knows she may be a big fat flabby, a rather attractive type of woman. Oh, shut up. And I'll further remind you, De Chandra, that I am being held responsible for the success of the... Look, that coach is stopping down there. They're being attacked. Bandits. Combo care. Use your head, man. We can afford no risk. Yeah, that's right, no risk. You speak of risk to the Duke De Chandra. But there are six of them. Yeah, six of them. Three for each of you. Hurry, fellas. Six or six hundred. What does it matter? Yeah, what does it matter? What's the case? Me? You're a man. You've got blood in your veins. Yeah, and I want to keep it there. It's a squirty kind. Boom. Get in there and hold your end up. It's too big a target. I said help it. Here, take my sword. Oh, well. Save one for me. A little one. You can have all the others. I'm not selfish. On guard. Touche. I'm coming. I'm coming. Touche, on guard. Well, Duke, did we get them all? All but one. I'm sorry you got away. Come back and fight, you coward. That's too bad. He was the finest swordsman of the lot. Keep going, you coward. Lucky for him. He got away when he did. You are quite safe now, ladies. Oh, how can we thank you? Oh, believe me, it was nothing at all. His grace is right. Nothing at all. My grace? My grace? Oh, my gracious. Yes, yes, yes. Well done, my good man. Well done. Remind me to reward you with a handsome leaf with a goat's skin full of goats or something. Thank you, your grace. Oh, thank nothing of it. Remember, we're living on barred head anyway. Well, I must run along now and sharpen my sword. You can never tell when we meet more of these cats. Don't be long, my good man. Oh, your grace. Oh, you forget the prime minister. I'll go back and prime him. See you later. Anna Moselle, I fear your driver was killed by the bandits. Would you grant me the privilege of driving you to your destination? Oh, you're most kind. Maria! Well, Donna Clare, we must get to Madrid. And this gentleman is being most considered. Obviously, the gentleman is a lassie. But if his master will permit... I think I might persuade him. I'll return at once, madame. Bidid, I absolutely forbiddage your grace. Sorry, darmon, but I'm driving the ladies. I'll meet you at the tavern at the Spanish border. But they'll have a welcoming party there to greet us. They'll expect to meet the Duke de Chardin. I said I'd be there. Yeah, we'll be there. Let's go, your grace. Not you. Selfish. Come back, de Chardin. Stop him. Don't care. Stop him. I'm mad at him. Do you realize what this means? Supposing he arrives late at the border. Supposing he... he... Hmm. Hmm. Well, what are you staring at me for? Hmm. Hey, what's going on behind that hmm? It might work at that. What might work at what? Your grace? Oh, no, you don't. Not me. Oh, no. I just came along for the ride and to find Mimi. You must. Not me. I'm not going around impersonating any dukes. He fights duels. The fella can get hacked up that way. But, your grace, surely you've heard what a prize he's considered among the ladies. Yeah, but you... Hey, that's right. Women. Hundreds of them thrown themselves at me. Pawned me, mollied me. Oh, no, you don't. She almost had me so sorry. You'll have to use the old Duke. Very well, then. Well, now your toils just have to send you back to Paris. Now your talk and the guillotine. Now you... You're talking to the new Duke. True, General Frantisco, that demon from the other coach slashed our men to ribbons. And the Prince of Maria was permitted to continue on her way, eh? Well, it takes two to make a marriage callous. That Victor Chandra arrived here this afternoon. Would it not be a most unhappy circumstance if his grace should meet with a fatal accident? Hmm, it might not be easy. They say he's the finest swordsman in France. Well, now hardly the finest he is without his sword. And I think it... Hey, Carlos, what is that disturbance down in the courtyard? Who's that girl with the guards down there? Girl? I'll open the window. Come along, now. We have no passport. You cannot remain in Spain. Oh, please, I must say, if you send me back, it means my death. It's been ordered by the Queen herself. Guard! Yes, General? That girl, send her to me at once. You said your name is Mimi, my dear? Yes, General. Well, don't worry, you may remain in Spain. Oh, how can I thank you, General? You've been so kind and so understanding. Perhaps you may be able to return the favor. When my men favor respects to the Victor Chandra, the reception tonight, if his sword is unavailable... He's to be attacked, the Duke? Oh, my dear child, a simple adduction. Just to delay the wedding for a little while. But a delay might mean more. What ugly thoughts for such a charming head. How much pleasanter if you'd dwelt on other things like a reward? A chateau in Barcelona, for instance. Oh, I understand your excellency. I'll get his sword. Well, judging from that crowd, the Duke has just crossed our border. Open the window, my dear. Ah! Thank you. Oh, you lovely passenger. Control yourselves. I know it's hard, but try. Trushing, keep up. Just look at him. I-I can't believe it. Do you realize who that is? Why, the Victor Chandra, of course. And the French Prime Minister. Oh, oh, yes, yes, of course. Then what is it you can't believe, little Mimi? Oh, that I'm going to have a chateau. Don't worry, my dear. I won't forget. The furry bouquets finish shaving me. Say, why am I shaving you? I'm the one they're waiting for downstairs. Did you see all that femininity? Acres and acres of it. Boy, just like a sea of grass. Remind me to sharpen my lawn more. They happen to be waiting to greet the Victor Chandra. Uh, why isn't he here? Hey, maybe that's him now. Here, come in. It's Excellency the Commanding General of the Spanish Army. Don Francisco Miguel Pedro Alfamila de los Monterres de Conchica, de la Torra de la Vega de los Aparecitos, de Castilla de los Rios, García González de la Comuna de Andrade. Sounds like a California bus schedule. Just a moment, please. He's the most powerful man in Spain. We've got to see him. Tell his Excellency to come in, please. General Francisco. Oh, your grace. We greet you in the name of Spain. Are you full, now? What a fantasy. Imagine him coaxing me to take bows. I trust your grace at a pleasant fit. Oh, not bad. Not bad. We had to get an interpreter to read the Burmishave signs to us, but it wasn't bad. He's a great Israeli most fatigued general. Yeah, and I'm a little tired, too. I've taken the liberty of forduring dinner. Exciting dishes to tempt the palate. Oh, is he coming too? Well, I really am not exactly hungry. There are wines to stimulate the senses. I'm not thirsty. And after dinner, ha-ha-ha, something to please your grace's discerning eyes. Well, let's start with a dessert, huh? Shall we go? You're one of the wine girls, and that arranged to meet a Duke alone. Sue's possible. Oh, yes, General. But where? His room's to be the best place. Get his sword away from him. My men will do the rest. Hurry up. And your grace? Mimi. Mimi, what are you doing here? It goes someplace where we can talk. Oh, make some excuse. I'll meet you in your room in five minutes. Mimi. You said something, your grace? For me? No, just passing the old pipe, General. Mimi, Mimi, Mimi. Moo, moo, moo, moo. Excuse me, folks. I forgot my tums. I'll be right back. You hear, Homer? Mimi, gosh, it's good to see you. Gee, I thought you'd be angry with me. Angry? Well, you know, I kind of got you kicked out of France and everything. Ah, but you didn't mean to, did you? Homer, what are you doing? Oh, just what they do on a rainy night in Rio. You got the card? Oh, now stop, Homer. Hey, and tell me, what are you doing in the Duke's clothes? I'm stretching them. I'm just taking his place for a while. Nobody here knows what the Duke's looks like, so I'm just, well, you know the Duke. Sure she loves them? Well, thanks. Don't mind if I do. Oh. Two above all others to impersonate the irresistible Dishonk. Well, one just can't hide quality and breeding. Yeah, when you got it, you got it. Oh, you're so right. You're regal forehead. Runs in the family. The Hapsburg chin. Got it from my mother. The bourbon nose. Got that from my father, drank like a fish. Oh, Mimi, let's forget the past and settle down together right here in Spain. Ah, just the two of us alone in a sweet little cottage. Yes, Mimi, and perhaps in a year or so. There'll be a little whale in the nursery. Personally, I'd rather have children, but... Have a jeweler. Oh. Homer. Huh? Homer, I wish you'd take off that old sword. Why, sure, honey. You got a letter you want to open? I'll take the sword, Homer. Oh, careful. It's pretty sharp. Good. Now, stand where you are. You feather-brained powder duster before I run you through. Oh, I'll teach you to get people banished from France. Well, Mimi, I don't get it. No, don't worry. You will. All right, gentlemen. Come in. The room, General. Here. Here's his sword. Well done, Mimi. But this time, our gallant friend is no more. What do you mean? I thought you said he was to be abducted. Oh, you're so naive, Mimi. Come. Let's go to his room. Once I've seen his remains, and I'm certainly his bed. I can't... Dukie, I'm glad you got here. You're better than DDT. Boy, those guys were rough. Wonder what magazine they were selling. Hey, what happened to those other two men? Where'd they go? Out to the balcony and down to the ground. Not gonna let them get away, are you? Certainly not. Back, Howard. Back, you swine. Stand your ground. Oh, he's great. I wonder how he'd make out with Sinatra. Pluttered, we'll need the larger vacuum cleaner. Swordsman. Dead. Yeah, they're dead. There would have been more, but I had a dull blade. Poor amateurs. Oh, that this would occur with you under my protection. This ain't no more, my good man. The book is closed. You... You will return to the feast downstairs. Oh, but Matt... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I didn't know they meant to kill you, Homer. I give you my word. You're a word, a sweet little cottage with a garden full of daisies and me under them. Oh, you must believe me. You must. Stop hugging and chalking me. Oh, but... What do you mean? You must listen. Your life is in danger. Danger. You speak to me of danger. I say poof to danger. Double poof. Very well, Homer. It's goodbye then. You must have stabbed me. I hear air escaping. What's the do? Well, did you get those other two, your grace? No, they disappeared, confounded. How do you like that? Five guys trying to make a pincushion out of me. Get out of my clothes, your grace. I've had enough of this. Oh, but you're highness. Don't you're highness. Me, you're highness. I want to be your lowness again. Oh, but that... But that girl will care. You mean Mimi? Why, she's nothing. Talking of Mimi. I speak of the girl whose coach I drove. I must see her again. Not as the duke, but as the humble, likey with whom she's fallen in love. Duke, someone's been spiking your hemo. Take this, General Francisco. He told me that you... Calm down, Darmon. Oh, your grace, oh, thank heaven you've returned. Yeah, but only for a moment. I'm on my way to Madrid. Madrid? I must see her once more. If only to say good-bye. No, no, no, no. You can't change your clothes immediately. Darmon, you're not being very bright. Would you have your bridegroom killed? These men on the floor, they weren't after Bocair, they were after me. That's why I'm getting out of these clothes. Oh, I never expected this of a clever fellow like you, Bocair. What did I do? A man with a chance to outwit the sharpest minds in Spain. Me? How? Well, one of us is a Duke and one of us is a barber, right? Right. But the Spaniards don't know which is which. If they kill me, what have they got? A dead Duke. Exactly. But if we let them kill you instead, nothing but a barber. I knew you'd see it. We stayed away we are. Good man. See you in Madrid. I hope. Okay. The Duke's a pretty sharp fellow to figure out a thing like this. Now all they can do to do is kill a crummy little barber. A barber. A barber. That's me. I knew that you... He should drop dead. Bring you act three of Miss Able Care starring Bob Hope and Joan Caulfield in a moment. Men, we're offering you an opportunity to study the various operations and applications of the Mannheim Slide Rule. Well, perhaps this offer wouldn't appeal to the average clerk, journalist or administrative specialist. But to the man engaged in technical or scientific work, it would mean something. If he were not already familiar with the Mannheim Slide Rule, he would be interested. He'd want to know how he could take advantage of the offer. He'd know that a working knowledge of the Slide Rule would be of considerable help to him and his job. He'd learn that the person to see is his education officer who would tell him that the course and the application of the Mannheim Type Slide Rule is offered by Yusufi. He'd fill out an application to enroll in the course and take the first step toward power through knowledge with Yusufi. Yes, he'd do that. If he were smart. Back now to your producer, William Keely. Here's our third act starring Bob Hope as Monsieur Bocair and Joan Crawfield as Mimi. The Duke de Chambre, Home of Bocair is now in the palace at Madrid, where tomorrow the real Duke is supposed to marry Princess Maria. But the real Duke having fallen in love has no intention of marrying any princess. Furthermore, the unpleasant General Francisco continues to plot the early death of the gallant de Chambre. And if this isn't enough, Homer's girlfriend Mimi appears to be very much on the side of Francisco. Besides, well, let's simplify matters and just say Bocair's in one awful mess. Bocair, I can't find the Duke de Chambre anywhere. What makes a man forsake the honor of his country for a woman will power. Now, now it's time for his presentation to the king. Well, don't look at me. You, you don't think I'd present you to the king? Yes, I do. Well, we meet again, my friend. Oh, good to see you. Oh, praise heaven. Say, haven't you heard about doors every time I see you're coming in a window? Oh, but she's disappeared. My lady of the loach. I've scoured the whole of Madrid in her trace. Oh, forget her, sir. Forget your lady of the loach. Forget her. I don't see with anybody that's sad in a loach. Believe me. Now, it's just you're a coach. I don't have. Believe me, Dukie. Believe me, Dukie, she's grand. I tell you, just forget her. She's, she's, it's right here. She's just, um, forget her, dude. Forget her. She's washing your things. I know. Let me tell you something. Forget her. She's just another hank, a hair, a smile, a piece of lace, a dimple. I tell you, sir, women are all alike. Sensational. Please, your grace, the king of Spain. Wait a moment. Beyond the balcony there. A garden over the wall. Come on, look. It is she. Oh, not again. My lady. Duke, Duke. No, no, no. Not again. Don't worry, come on. I'll be back. Oh, it's no use book here. I, I can't keep the king waiting any longer. Go after the Duke. Bring him back at all costs. I'll go down and try to delay the proceedings. Yeah, you delay the proceedings. I'll see you in a month or so. I'll give you 10 minutes. No, no, after him. Go on. Climb down the balcony. Boy, I never thought I'd have a chance like this. Meet me later, Willi. I'm getting so far away from here they'll have to use on that sword. Don't know why it worked that way. Now to find the Duke. You're Grace. Oh, hiya, General. Just thought I'd drop in for a minute. The Major Donovan allows the arrival of his grace. You know where the powder room is, General? I'd like to take a power. Excuse me. I must go see the king. He's Grace, the Duke you shone. Book here. I thought you were looking for the Duke. Yeah, well, so long. If you leave now, you'll be cut to bits. If I stay bigger chunks, you have no choice, huh? Now walk down the aisle to the king. The aisle? And be aloof. And be aloof? Look forward. Uh-huh. Distainful. Yes. A little more on the right nostril. How's this? Better. Better? Mm-hmm. A little more? Uh-huh. Not too much. You'll blow your hat off. Yeah. Here he comes, Your Majesty. That? That is what Francis sent to the general. Yes, Sire. Oh, for heaven's sake. What's the matter with his nose? Perhaps his mother was frightened by Bob Hope, Sire. How, my dear Deshaun, so this is the fabulous Duke, the man whose cold seal and warm heart have captivated the continent. The whole country, Your Honor, sir. I was the lady in the loach. That's right, Your Honor. I mean your Majesty, huh? Right, Your Honor. Your prowess with a sword, tell me. How do you do it? Oh, it's nothing on God, petty and thrust, and two dozen roses to the will. And, uh, those stories of women waiting for your kisses in every corner of France. How do you do that? Oh, I got a fast horse. And now, Your Grace, in honor of France, the minuet. Thanks, but I'm not hungry. Countess. Sire. Your Grace, the Countess will serve as your first partner. Do you object to the arrangement? Object? It's the nicest arrangement I've seen all day. Prove of what you've seen thus far in Spain? My grace is beginning to, dear. It's strange that you, a Frenchman, do our Spanish dances so well. Oh, not at all. I take from Desi Arnais. But such grace, Your Grace. You're like a feather. I always am next to such a pigeon. At the next measure, we start changing partners. I hope you'll find the other ladies to your liking. They're girls, aren't they? I dance for the next. Did you see that? The duke just winked at me. A little harmless flirtation. And my alfredo will have that ambassador's ship. And alfredo? Well, what about my husband? And what about mine? We shall see. Honey, or would you rather sit this one out? Would you? No, I'm tired. Let's dance. Oh, I'd love to, Your Grace. Because I must talk to you alone. But how about later? Well, why not? At eleven then, at your room? At my room? Of course. I may take out papers down here permanently. What was that you said, Baroness? You must see me tonight? Oh, it is so vital to my happiness, Your Grace. Well, just let me check my schedule here. Marquis at eleven, Countess at eleven twenty, the Duchess at eleven thirty-five. Well, suppose I squeeze you in at, say, midnight? Oh, it's the witching hour. Yes, you can park your broom in the hall and come right in. Mimi? Oh, Homer, I must speak to you alone. Sorry, you'll have to buy a raffle, take it like the rest. Homer, you're in danger. This is the kind of danger I like. Whatever you do, don't touch the wine at the banquet tonight. General Francisco is going to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got any extra sen-sen? Oh, listen to me. Run along, girl. You're beginning to bore me. Well, Your Grace, I simply must see you tonight. Sorry, honey. Book solid. Leave your name, and I'll give you the first cancellation. Next? Who's next? Oh, what a racket. Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the beloved sovereigns of our two great nations, Philip of Spain and Louis of France. What's the matter, Your Grace? Not toasting your king? Well, I don't think I'd better have any wine. I have to drive. Just make mine a short-line cola. Drink it, or you insult our king. Oh, well. Hey, what's in this wine? I'd better stir it up a little. Yikes, the spoon dissolved. That wine comes to the king's own cellar. Well, maybe he's been playing with his chemistry set down there. This Mickey doesn't need fins. It's jet-propelled. What's the matter, my boys? And who wronged you? Oh, King Philip. Oh, I just remembered. I have a horse outside. I'm double parked. Well, it's been fun. Oh, Mimi, you were right. I've been a fool. Oh, and so have I. Mimi, we've got to get out of here. I will never make it together. You go on alone. And leave you never. Oh, but you must. I said never. But they'll cut you to pieces. I'll send for you. Oh, Mimi, I know I'm not good enough for you, just a coward with seven up in my blood, but when I'm near you, it starts to boil and bubble, and every bubble starts to bubble, and every bubble's bubble-bubbles. I feel like a lovesick pressure cooker. Honest, Mimi, I'm frizzing all over with love for you. I know it, darling. I frizz a little myself. There he is. Carlos. Pedro. Quickly, Homer, run for your life. I've come to report, General. Well? That Duke has been returned quite unharmed to his room. Good. We must still find a way to dispose of him tonight. Oh, one other matter, sir. Our men have just captured a stranger, found not 10 minutes ago in the garden with Princess Maria. What? Who is he? He refused us to say. Dressed like a lackey, he is all the manners of a French nobleman. French nobleman, eh? Carlos, take me to this stranger at once. On your feet, Frenchman. So, you dare visit a garden of our Princess Maria? Princess Maria? What did you say? How dare you molest her? Princess. You mean that girl? You mean she is the Princess of Spain? Are you sure your His Majesty won't consider this a laughing matter? Take me to the king at once. Why? Because I am the Duke de Chande. This ring on my finger will identify me. And who is that idiot masquerading as you? Why, that's my barber. You think I almost let him marry my princess? Come, sir, take me out of here. Oh, no, I don't think so, my friend. Your barber shall marry the Princess Maria. Now look, this has gone far enough. Oh, our poor king will be vastly upset. It may even lead to a war. I demand you let me out of here. Certainly your grace, certainly. Right after the wedding. Hey, what's going on, Darman? What are those bells? They told the hour of marriage. Oh, I thought the phone strike was over. I guess they're just local bells, aren't they? He fails to appear, then honor is dead, virtue is dead, gallon three is dead. And with us, that makes a fivesome. Oh, hey, Kevin, maybe it's he now. Yeah, maybe it's him. It ain't he, it's him. What's this, your grace? Not ready yet for your wedding? Oh, well, I... There's been a slight delay, General Francisco. You mean, uh, the peculiar incident last night? Oh, no, no, no, we just... What incident? Just some scoundrel shouted to the high heaven that he was a ducashandra. Yeah, yeah, well, what did you do with him? What did you supposedly do with that lackey impersonating royalty? I asked you first. Stand him up against the wall, my men raise their rifles, and bing. Bing, what a revolting thought. How about getting dressed for your wedding? Oh, it's gonna be formal, huh? You're very little time. Where is he, General? The bridegroom. In his room there. Why have you come here, Carlos, and with Mimi? To tell you that King Louis of France has suddenly arrived for the wedding. Louis? What a stroke of luck. You men know what to do? The moment of Barbara Marys Maria, we produced the real ducashandra. Excellent. What do you mean, the real ducashandra? Mimi, my dear, we happen to have the real ducashandra locked in a dungeon. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Now, downstairs, both of you. Are you ready, Maria? The wedding guests are all assembled. As ready as I'll ever be, Father. The duke has just ended, and King Louis of France has joined us unexpectedly. Father? Father, who's that ninsing idiot over there? Why, y'all, you're betrothed, my dear. The ducashandra. Oh, Father, don't you think that's carrying a patriotism a little too far? Well, I guess you've got a point at that, but it's too late to worry about it now. You're our Maria. King Louis, please, I can't marry the princess. Didn't you recognize me before? Of course I recognized you, but I couldn't let anyone know it. What's happened? Where's the shawnd? Oh, never mind. We can't do anything now. You've got to marry her. It's our next. But I love Mimi. Shut up. Mimi? Who's Mimi? You remember Mimi, Papadora? Oh, yes, of course, Mimi. Uh, client, here's that general again. Tell me, Your Majesty, is bouquets really a good barber? Good. Best barber I ever had. Bouquet, I haven't had a good shave since you... Oh, no, no. What have I said? Exactly what I hoped you'd say, Sire. Thank you for confirming information. Well, the Princess Maria makes her appearance. Shall we proceed? No, we won't. I got a mind on my own, and I say... Well, if you put it that way... That's better. Princess Maria, your grace. Come, gentlemen, let them have the next moment alone. Princess Maria. Well? You? You're the girl that... the coach, the Duke. What are you doing here? I believe I'm to be your bride. You are? Oh, that's too bad. I don't think they'll death do us part. Yeah, they're working on that. The Chief Justice has just entered. Well, I suggest you take them to the altar. And let's get this over with as quickly as possible. Princess Maria, your grace. Join hands, please. We are assembled on this solemn occasion... General Francisco! General! What is it? He's escaped. The Duke, your son, has escaped. You're sure? Positive. That girl, Mimi, got the keys and... You must act at once. Wait! Hold! Stop the wedding! Sire! I accuse this Louis of frowns of deliberately trying to... palm off on the princes of Spain. Not a prince of the blood. Not the Duke de Chandra. But Monsieur Bocair, a common barber. A buck of shame when he calls me common. Propulsion for commandment. Yeah, you bet he does. Just for that I'm not going to marry anybody. Oh, nothing personal, honey. Come on, King Louis, let's go. I repeat! This man is a common barber. And with my glove, I challenge him to a duel. You accept his challenge. Make it hot towels at 50 paces and I'll be interested. Slap him back! Go on! Slap me! Like this! You're sure lucky I haven't got a sword. Perhaps you will accept mine, Monsieur. You keep out of this. General Francisco, I don't believe a word you've said. For months I've been aware of your plots against me in the peace of our country. And it lasts you have gone too far. Deshaun, you'll be doing Spain a great service. You'll put an end to this conduit with a Spanish sword. Here, I give you my own. You're sure you want me to do this? After all, it's going to be awfully one-sided. He deserves to die. I'm God, very fast, and it's two dozen roses to the window. Yeah, but the choice-long stem ones, they're out of season. Let's wait till spring, huh? A guard! Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hey, wait, wait! Cut that out! A guard! Foul! A guard! Deshaun! Get him Deshaun! Out to him! A pleasure sire! Oh, it's about time you got here, your grace. Well, now that I've worn him down, he's all yours. Anyway, whom did you just call Deshaun? Why, the real Duke of course. The man I sent to marry your daughter. That's it, Deshaun! Teach him a lesson, my boy! Show him our good strength. Hiya, honey. Don't stand there. Come on, we've got to get out of here. Darling, you're leaving the Palace of Coward. Why not? That's the way I came in. Are you all right? Are you hurt? I don't know. We'll take inventory later. Oh, don't worry, Homer. I have a carriage waiting outside. Yeah, but where are we going? Oh, I don't know. We can't stay here and we can't go back to France. Now, don't worry. We'll find a place. It'll be some country where you can die of old age. And so the real Duke Deshaun vanquished the wicked general and married his own true love, Princess Maria. General Francisco was banished and there was peace between France and Spain. But what's happened to our hero, Boccaire and Mimi? Well, let's cross the Atlantic. The year 1776, the place Philadelphia, where in a side street a sign reads, Homer Boccaire, barber. The only four-chair shop in the colonies. Who's next, please? Oh, I guess you are, Mr. Washington. Good morning, Boccaire. Morning, sir, the usual. If you please. I can't tell you what it means, Boccaire. A four-chair shop right here in Philadelphia. Tell me, how did you happen to come to America anyway? Well, I have to, General. I'm thinking of buying some stock in the Indians. Say, you're all dressed up today, sir. Sir, you're all dressed up. Something special going on? Oh, Jefferson and the boys have cooked up some sort of declaration of independence or something. Oh, what are those? And I ought to drop over and sign it. Chance to use my new quill. New quill? Yes, here, take a look. Ben Franklin invented it. Claims it writes underwater. Let me see that. The 76 special. Yeah. Park is sure going to be sore. All he's got is a fifty-one. I've been helping Martha with the fudger. Oh, by the way, you might... That's my line, if you don't mind. Don't come to that point. By the way, you might have Mrs. Boccaire. Can I cure my nails, please? Been helping Martha with the fudge, eh? He just wigs fast, doesn't he? That's a meanie. Oh, yes, there you are. Oh, there you are, Homer. Thanks, honey. But look who's under the lather. Mr. Washington. Well, how are you today? Splendid today, thank you. Uh, manicure? If you please. Now, you have been neglecting them, haven't you? You can throw the fudge line in there again if you want to. Washington was quite an ad libra, you know. Okay, I've been thinking, you know, all this, this could happen only in America. But what's that? Oh, that's something that could happen anywhere. Thank you, thank you. Say thanks, Bill, for teaming me with my favorite brunette, Joan. Uh, where are your eyes, Bob? I'm a blonde. Yeah, but my favorite brunette, that's the title of my German picture. Pretty sneaky, huh? Incidentally, Bob, you know those 14 favorite brunettes you brought to Hollywood to, uh, plug the picture? Please, Bill, not plug. I hate the word. Well, we might as well be honest. Yeah, but plug always makes me think of Crosby. Yes, why didn't you go down to meet them, Bob? Oh, I was, but you know, Bill, people like myself hate to get mauled. People like yourself? Yeah, but it's for me personally, the maul, the merrier. You know, the funny fellow, that one. You know, they say there are seven women to every man in the United States, Bob. How do you rate 14 of them? I don't ask questions, I just have fun. Come on, Bill. Good night, and thanks, Bob. This is William Keely, saying good night to you from Hollywood. Television service.