 Good afternoon. On behalf of our sponsor, you know, we're one of the few remaining radio shows that's lucky enough to have a sponsor. So if you enjoy yourself during the next half hour, you can do us all a big favor, if you would. And that is, sometime this week, stop by your neighborhood RCA Victor dealer and pick up a 27-inch television set or a record shop or something. Because we'd like to be working up here next year at the same time. Incidentally, this is the start of our third year for RCA, and of course, as you folks know, now Phil is out on his own. And one more thing I'd like to tell you, this year we're changing our time. It's going to be a big lineup on Friday night. Bob Hope, followed by our show. Remember, when you hear the show, the tune in Friday night for Hope and Harris. So let's get Phil off to a big start on his new time, back with Bob Hope. So let's give a big welcome to Mr. Phil Harris. You need to have me come out here all by myself. You're all applauding. You've got some smiles on your faces. And I just want to tell you I love you for it because I need it. I've been with Jack many for 16 years and they don't want to connect it with that job. There's nothing you can do to help me earn a lot of living. The time is now. And also, fast talking, I'm married out of state, told me she had money, but I'll be damned if I can find it. It was every word. We don't have a good show for you. And I'm very happy with the script. I'm very happy that we have such a lovely crowd here. And I want to introduce some of the people. But first, I'm very happy to be a service man in the audience. I want you guys to know that you're always welcome to my show and especially you, Salers, because during the last war I was in the Navy myself. I fought the Battle of Kathleen. The most hateful officer in my career. In the Navy, what do you get kicked out of this, you guys in the Navy? Of selecting their enlisted men when I went in the Navy according to what they've done in private life. For instance, I went in with a couple of bunnies of mine. Went up to the street cleaner and they put him on a mine sweeper. And this other guy was a construction guy. He tore down buildings and everything. They put him on a destroyer. How I ever wound up on a ferry boat, huh? The guy says three, the guy went out, he don't come back. Comes in the next stage, Mr. Barber, how many ahead of him? The Barber says three, the guy goes out again, he don't come back. Now the Barber's going crazy. He don't know what to do. So he said to Boothlack, he says, look, every day a guy comes in, what's wrong with your head? I tell him he goes out, he don't come back. If he does it tomorrow, follow him. I want to know. The next day the guy came in, the Barber says how many ahead of him? The Barber says three, the guy went out to Boothlack, followed him, came back, about 20 minutes. The Barber says, where'd he go? Where'd he go? The Boothlack says to your house. But he said he got awfully monotonous because people kept coming up whispering in his nose. Now, boom, he hit, there's a big crowd around. He's up fresh himself off, the fellow walks up to him, what happened? He says, damn fine, oh, I just got here. Whatever little success we've attained, it's not due to any one or two people, it's our organization. And we're very fortunate at having a very confident organization. For instance, every one that you see sitting up on that stand does an outstanding job on his or her particular instrument. These are the things that I know that you don't know. We're very happy about him. As much as we think that he's one of our up-and-coming geniuses, or if the music benefit is concerned, and I'm not kidding, now I'm on the level. Already he's had two things already played in the Hollywood Bowl. He's been nominated six times for the Academy Award. Last year, he was nominated again, and just like the few votes of winning it for all of the beautiful ranging and directing and the music that you heard in that wonderful picture, the Hans Christian Andersen story. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet who's fallen. Because without her, I don't think the program would be possible. I just want to go into a big eulogy. I just want to tell you that she's not only the most beautiful girl in the world, but this kid's got talent, too. Alice Faye! A couple of the little girls that play the part of Alice and Phyllis, and they, too, are two of the outstanding little actresses in our business. They've been with us ever since we started. We've watched them grow up. They're wonderful and just as clever as the dickens. Jeanine Roos and Anne Whitfield. They don't come too young for me. I mean, you know you've got all of me. It's new follow-up to our audience today. We're very happy with him. The only thing I'm worried about is his little two hands. That's the only thing, Anne Young. He's a marvelous actor, and I know you've seen a lot of his pictures lately on television. He's our new William, plays the part of Alice's brother, a wonderful performer, and a wonderful guy, John Hubbard, ladies and gentlemen. He seals our show every week, and we're very happy about it because we not only love him, but he is just chock-full of talent, plays the part of Judy Fabruzio, the grocery boy, Walter Tetter. The course of the program wouldn't be complete without those four guys, and any time you see them build around the country, I want you to go see them. Take my word for it. It's the greatest act you've ever seen. Jackson's had them for many years on his cute commercials. We've had them ever since we started. We love them, the four sportsmen, ladies and gentlemen. King Arthur had his shining nights. Cleopatra had her day. But you, you lucky people, you've got Harris and RCA. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television presents the Bill Harris Alice Fay show. Alice Fay show, transcribed by Ed James and Phil Shuken, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Jeanine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight's little epic is entitled The Courtship of Elliot Lewis, or a drummer gets stuck with any old girl, but a guitarist can take his pick. The stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Fay, vacations like everything else must come to an end. Once again, it's breakfast time in the Harris household, and we find the Harris' Alice and Phil in vastly different moods. Alice is grumbling over a red-hot stove, but Phil is smiling and gay as he trips lightly down the stairs, a smile on his lips, and a song in his boyish heart. Boyish. Pretend you're normal when you wait, so far my bands had no complaints, just call for Harris if you're all alone, and find you own some cocktails for two. Alice, honey. Hi. Boy, that was some vacation we had, wasn't it? Vacation. I spent three months as a combination bellhop and bottle opener for you and that Elliot Lewis. Some vacation. Oh, now, wait a minute, honey, it wasn't that bad. I remember one day we didn't see Elliot for almost a whole hour. Sure. But we had to hide in a cave. Just forget about Elliot, honey, don't worry about him. Hey, what do you got for breakfast? Well, you have your choice between three-minute eggshells and some southern fried coffee grounds. Guys, that's something. Fried coffee grounds? That's all that's left, Clyde. Elliot got here first. You mean he was here for breakfast? His breakfast and everybody else's. Well, where's the lovable locus now? In the fruit bowl, diving for pears. Well, where's the paper, honey? Elliot ate it. Now, wait a minute, Alice, that's silly. He might have ate the sport page, but not the whole paper. Oh, this is getting serious, Phil. We've got to get rid of him. Look, Alice, I can't throw Elliot out into the street like an old arrangement of tiger rag. He's my pal, and as long as I got a home, he's welcome. Nobody's going to throw him up. All right. Then you pay for the food he eats. You mean out of my allowance? Out of your allowance. That deadbeat's got to go. Why don't he dig up his own meal ticket like I did? Honey, that's it. Let's find a wife for Elliot. Oh, why, honey? How crazy can you get? Who's going to stand for a guy with baggy pants and a wrinkled shirt and a three-day growth of beard and a... Hey, you know, he'd make a good husband. That's what I said. And it'll be good for Elliot's pride. He won't have to mooch off of no strangers. He can have a house of his own he can mooch in. And besides that... Nah, it ain't going to work. Why not, honey? Honey, we can show him how much he's missing. We'll show him how happy we are with one another. With our children. And our home. Darling, darling, we'll show him the true meaning of love and contentment. Alice. Yes, Phil? Will you marry me? I've got a license to prove I did. Now, look, you go to work on Elliot and sell him a bill of goods. Okay, baby, I'll call him. No, no, no, you don't have to. I'll just light the stove. Hey, Alice, what's cooking? Oh, I see what you mean. Oh, hi, Curly. You got up, huh? No, but I ought to be up any minute now. Why don't you and Elliot have a nice talk while I fix some more breakfast? Yeah, honey, we'll do that. Come on, Elliot, sit down. We'll have a nice talk, okay? Okay. What do you want to have a nice talk about, Curly? Oh, I don't know. Oh, I just thought that... What about girls? That's a nice thing to talk about. Well, I... Go ahead. You start. All right. Ain't that Alice a living doll? Don't she look pretty bending over that stove? Yeah. What a stove. Hey, Elliot, wouldn't you like to have somebody cook and breakfast for you every morning? I've got somebody. You have? Sure. Alice. I mean somebody else, you dope. What are you trying to do, Curly? Get rid of Alice? Of course not. Now, what's the pitch? Look, Elliot, I'm trying to tell you, marriage is a wonderful thing. Now, if a fellow is going to get married, I say the only thing to get married to is a wife. You've got something there, Curly. I don't know what you've got, but you've got something. Elliot, let's sit down. We're sitting down. Well, let's stand up. Well, I'm comfortable this way. Keep talking, Curly. You intrigue me. Look, Elliot, living the kind of life you do is no good. It ain't? No, it's awful. Now, what do you do every day? You get up any time you feel like it. You go to bed any time you feel like it. If you want to go out with a babe, you go. You've got no worries, no responsibilities, no... What's my, Curly? How'd you ever get into a mess like that? Just lucky, I guess. Look, Elliot, now, what can you do in a pool room that you can't do right here in this house? Shoot some pool? Don't care if I do. Why don't we pick up a couple of guys? Wait! Now, where was I? What was I saying? I ought to get married. Oh, yeah, yeah. Look, just think of it, Elliot. A little house all your own. Your own fireplace. Your own television set with a building bar. And then you come home at night and there's somebody waiting for you. Arms outstretched. Lips outstretched. What am I marrying? Are you bangy? Elliot, will you please shut up? I'm sorry. Go ahead. Okay. Now, don't forget, Elliot, you and your wife won't always be two because soon you'll be three or maybe four. And one day there'll be the patter of little feet. No bodies, huh? That's right. No bodies. Just feet. I was only asking you. I'm only telling you. Well, you don't have to get mad. I ain't mad. Sparks always come out of my ears like this. Okay. Go ahead with the feet bit. I'm trying to tell you, Elliot, you'll hear the patter of little feet. You'll come down to breakfast in your own little kitchen with your own little wife and with her own little hair wrapped up in her own little curlers and her own little face covered with it. Maybe we'd better skip that part. It sounds fascinating. But Elliot, it's a whole brand new kind of life. Don't you realize it's peaceful and calm and quiet? You sit down every morning with the sun shining in the window and the birds singing in the trees and your wonderful family gathered all around you. There's a feeling of peace and contentment. Everything's quiet and calm. Hiya, Mom, Pop. Hi, Uncle Elliot. Who was I? Quiet and calm. Like I said, Elliot, everything's peaceful and calm. And you get a feeling like you've never had before. Hi, everybody. She's playing football. Dad. Who was that? The kid from left field? Alice, it's like I said at the beginning. This thing is hopeless. Good morning, everyone. Oh, good morning, Willie. Well, if it isn't Mrs. Faye's revenge. Good morning, Elliot and Phillip. Wonderful day, isn't it? I liked it. Until you came pussy-footin' then. Oh, hell. Well, why can't he just fall down the stairs like Alice and Phyllis and everybody else? Sneaks up in back of you like Indian underwear. Phillip, I know exactly how you feel toward me. And even though I warned Alice before your marriage as to your low character and limited mentality, I must say in all fairness that my opinion of you has never changed. Well, at least, wait a minute. Now, give me that whole thing again from the beginning. Never, never, never mind, Phil. William has to have his breakfast. No, breakfast today, Pat. Just sign these checks and I'll get along to the office. Why does she have to sign the checks before breakfast? Well, there are just a few for the gas and the phone and your allowance. Go ahead, honey. You better sign them checks as you begin. Give me a pen. Hey, Curly, you mean Alice signs the check for your allowance? Yeah. I don't mind except when Willie takes them off her income. Tax is a bad debt. That burns me up. Alice pays the bills and gives you an allowance too, huh? The only reason we use Alice's money is to air out the vault. It keeps the big bills from mill doing. An allowance? William, no. Well, that's fine, Alice. Thank you very much. You're welcome, Willie. A real, live allowance. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, dear. Hey, wait a second, Elliott. Listen to this. I didn't hear nothing. That's what I mean. He goes out like that every time to think. Hey, you know, Curly, I've been thinking about what you said. You know about peace and quiet and the rest of that stuff. I sure have been missing a lot, ain't I? Why, Elliott? A home and a fireplace and kids running around the house like a picket fence. Sounds pretty good. See what I told you, Alice? I told you I'd sell it. Okay, Elliott, now all we got to do is to dig you up a white. What do you got in mind? Well, she ought to be a girl. I'm with you 100% proof. A girl. Any particular kind? I see a girl, Curly, you know what I mean? A real feminine type of girl with a checkbook. That's all, huh? I got a pen. Oh, well, this is ridiculous. Anybody? You can't just marry a checkbook? Why not, Curly did. I didn't either. And you quit saying stuff like that or say, help me, I'm gonna slug you. I'll testify against him, Miss Fay. I see the book. I didn't do no such thing. You pleaded and pleaded. Cut it out now, will you? Therefore, gentlemen of the jury, I... I'm being framed. I'll tell you I want a lawyer. Oh, Phil, stop it. And you too, Julius. She, Miss Fay, I was only trying to protect you. What are you doing here so early anyway? You ain't supposed to deliver them groceries for another hour. Oh, I'll take this come at the town. And boy, is she loaded. Curly, I'm way ahead of you. Hey, Julius, buddy. Keep away from me. I'm warning you. Now, wait a minute, Julius. Now, when you say your aunt is loaded, are you referring to her financial or liquid condition? A brewery and money? This is the greatest parlay of all time. The patter of little feet running through the mash barrel. Floating and bourboning. Annuities over the rocks. Nothing, Julius. Say, how would you and your aunt like to have dinner with us tonight, huh? Miss Fay, you'll insignificant meet the dinner. Now bring the brewery. I mean your aunt. How'd we sit at the same table with lovely, adorable Miss Fay? Yeah, yeah. I'll be drinking soup that her precious lips puckered for cool off. Yeah, Julius. I'll be eating a flounder she filleted with her own little hands. Julius. I'll be eating a souffle she souffled just for me. That takes care of that. She'll be here for dinner, Elliot. Yeah, but what are we doing? Tilt dinner. That's easy. We'll play an RCA Victor record. You mean until tonight? Look, Elliot, when RCA Victor makes a 45 extended play record, they don't fool around. They really extend it. It extends from breakfast clear through to dinner. I'll show you. Put it on, honey. All right. Here it goes. Bye, bye, babe, bye, bye. Sorry, we must fly. Bye, baby. Remember you're my baby. When they give you just a show, I will write and declare that I... but I'll stay on the square. It'll be lonely, but even though I'm lonely, there'll be no us with my baby by and by. Baby by and by. Remember you're my baby. I get a chair and a whip. Elliot, she ain't gonna be that bad. She's Julius's aunt, ain't she? So what? Now, Elliot, will you please put on the whip? But, Curly, the chair will be enough. Hey, you say so. Besides, there's gonna be two of us and only one of her. How do you know? I'm guessing. I'll go ahead. Open the door. Hey, Curly. Open the door, Elliot. Curly, my whole life is flashing before my eyes. Well, when you get to the part where your arm is long enough, open the door. But, Curly... Move over. Will you? I'll open the door myself. Okay. Go ahead, Curly. I'm ready to meet my fate. Good evening. I'm... Hello, boys. I'm Julius's aunt. You can close the door now. I'm in. Close the door, Curly. She might get out. It's a night for closing them doors. It's a beauty. What's your friend doing with a chair? He's, uh... Oh! He always carries a chair around like this. Would you like to sit down, Julius's aunt? You can call me Clara. Gee, that's a beautiful name. Clara. I used to know her Clara. Well, at least she was a cigar. She didn't have a wrapper like yours. By the way, where's Julius? Didn't he come? Oh, yes. He's, uh... Parking the car. He's what? Parking the truck. Quite a bit alike, you know. I think this is the last time we're going to be on, so we might as well just carry this home. Let me see. Where were we? But where were you? Parking the truck, huh? Well, we'd better go out and see him, huh, Elliot? Well, I want to see that little creep boy. Will you stop? Okay, don't touch them, Clara. Look, honey, why don't you go into the living room and make yourself comfortable, and me and Elliot have got some business with Julius, huh? Come on, uh, lover. Why don't you say so? Don't go too far, boys. I'll be waiting for you. We'll be back in a minute. I can't believe it. Money and a brewery and... what a built... What about Julius? I like Clara's built better. Don't you realize now, if we don't keep Julius out of here, he's liable to clear the whole deal? He wouldn't. Why wouldn't he? I guess he would. What do we do, Curley? Don't worry about him. I got him all fixed. Yeah? Come on. Right. You think he'd fit in the mailbox? Now we've got the business. Let's get going. Where? Are you kidding? No. Where? Your little bride. She's sitting in the living room. Hey, Curley. What if she says no? She can't say no. Alice would kill me. But, Curley... Hold it, Rob. Now, come on. Just let me do the talking. Just lay there. Yeah. Um... Hey, Claire. How's every little thing? You have a charming place, Mr. Harris. Just charm. A place? If you call this a place, it's ain't nothing. You ought to see Elliot's die. A deduct. I mean, where Elliot lives. Right, Elliot? Right. He's got a place that's really a place, Claire. Hot and cold running door knobs. Wall to wall floors. And on a clear day, Catalina can see him. Right? Right. Clara? Yes, Elliot. What's next? Wait a minute. Elliot, come over here a minute. I want to talk to you. Excuse us just a minute. Will you, Clara? Will you crave for something? What do you want to do? Clear the whole deal? Why? What do I do? You can't jump at these things. You got to lead up to them. Kind of gradual. That's just what I did. Well, go slower. Talk about something else first. Okay. Yes, Elliot. What do you think of the Brooklyn Dodgers? Oh, I think they're wonderful. What's next? Elliot. Still too fast? Certainly it's too fast. You know something, Clara? Hey, wait a minute. Didn't you ever hear of Doors? Hand off his mouth, Elliot. Okay. I'll be a little... You mean all night? He'll run down. Okay. He'll have you... Are you finished? Sorry. Look, Julius, you got us all wrong. We want to be your friends. Yeah, I... He wants to be more than a friend to you, kid. He wants to be your uncle. He wants to be my uncle? Him? What's the matter with that? He's in love, Julius. He worships the very hops your aunt walks on. And he'll make her a good husband, wouldn't you, Elliot? I would devote my entire allowance to making her happy. See? Well, maybe I was wrong. There you are, Elliot. Julius is a good kid at heart. Yeah. Maybe we can make a deal. How about 50-50? 50-50? Julius, do you mean to say you'd take 50% of your Uncle Elliot's allowance? You'd stoop to a low, miserable, conniving trick like that? Would you? You know, when you get right down to it, Elliot, it ain't a bad deal. Well, okay, Curly, if you say so. No. This kid's got no soul. Well, do I get it or do I? As you grow older, you'll learn that the love of money is the root of all evil. We'll be relatives, you and I, bound by the blessed ties of matrimony. Would you sully that kinship by this low display of avarice, this mean attempted extortion? I'll take your gold alks tooth in your fucking pen. Julius, how can you be so mean? I take shocks. Give me the alks tooth, Elliot. But it was my mother. She don't need it. Let her gum her way. Okay. Here you little crumb. Wear it in bad health. Okay, Elliot, get going. Clara's waiting. Hey, I'm going to sweep her off her feet. I'll make that John Alden character look like a bum. Good luck. There is your doll. A living doll. What's so funny, Mr. Harris? Hey, Julius, you got to hand it to me. I put it over like a dream. Elliot's going to get married and then I can mooch my breakfast in his house. Oh, Harris, you're a genius. A living genius. Oh, Harris, you're a dead duck. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Your mealtime problem, like that of most homemakers, is to come up with new menus for your family. To take the hum drum routine out of three meals every day. An RCA, a state, gas or electric range will solve your problem. See how the new RCA estate coaxes exciting new flavors from familiar food with new modern cooking methods. Before you buy, see all the years ahead features of the RCA estate range. It grills, bakes, barbecues and does it all at the same time. Look up your RCA estate dealer in the yellow pages of your phone book. Let him show you these new RCA estate ranges, gas or electric. This is Phil again. It's sure nice being back with you folks again. Oh, by the way, here's a little dope on our new time. From now on, Fridays is the H and H night on NBC with our show following that great guy, Bob Hope. So tell everybody you meet that from now on, where there's hope, there's Harris. On Friday nights. Honey, say good night. Good night, everybody. Stop patting your part. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed was Jacqueline Fontaine. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. NBC Radio Network production.