 Hi everyone and welcome back to our blog from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we look at your concerns, your worries and your questions around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always we have with us Dr. Anrita Madan-Bihal. Anrita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings the psychological perspective to the advice that the Kamasutra has to give. Welcome Anrita. Thank you Seema and welcome to our blog this week. So Anrita today I have a rather unusual question. In recent times I've been getting a lot of questions again a lot of emails mostly from men but also some from women about this idea of pleasure and guilt but in a slightly different way. So right now we're getting a lot of people writing in and saying I can't bring my partner to orgasm. I you know so the men are saying I ejaculate too soon and I can't bring my partner to orgasm. A lot of the women are saying that when we actually make love I'm not able to have an orgasm and it makes my partner feel terrible and what they're basically saying is that when it doesn't end in that so-called perfect orgasm they are feeling very very depressed about it and the language that they're actually using in these emails is quite worrying because it's like I'm depressed I'm a loser the last one said I feel like a loser I'm losing all self-esteem I have no more confidence left in myself and I'm just thinking when did this go so far wrong sex is supposed to be joyous. I mean the whole sexual experience is supposed to be about fun about laughter about happiness about just you know one of those the most pleasurable things that you can do and yet all that's happening is that they they're all focusing on this one point of saying that there should be this final orgasm at the end of penetration and if that doesn't happen that the world has fallen apart. I couldn't agree more with you you know so many times we have you know a lot of men and women come to our clinics and they have these preconceived notions of what sex looks like and they would come and say oh by the third date this should have happened or when we're having sex this should have happened and the ultimate goals tends to be that to be a perfect lover or a good lover you must bring a woman to orgasm or women feel that if they need to be great lovers they must have and the keyword here is a penetrative orgasm which I just you know we've said this before in couple of videos for women to have penetrative orgasm takes you know it is a difficult thing and it is not an easy task and it's it's true you know even if a woman had to masturbate it would be a difficult task and for men they have started taking this pressure on as well it is not easy it takes a lot and so I can just agree with you that if you have if you start having sex with this pressure on your head thinking this is what I have to do I think you've lost the battle even before you started it. Absolutely like you said we've actually said it before so many times I'm not one and sometimes I wonder whether the people you know the people who are writing in because they say that we're really enjoying the vlogs we're getting a lot out of it I'm just wondering how much they're actually listening to because they're still coming back with the same question and I know how many times I have said that the kamasutra says that it is next to impossible for a woman to come to orgasm through penetration that there are very few women who reach orgasm or this idea of orgasm during penetration and the kamasutra says very specifically very specifically you must bring a woman to orgasm at least twice before you penetrate her that way she has had her pleasure there isn't that much pressure on you you can now sit back and enjoy it have the pleasure from this act rather than thinking if I don't do this which somebody somewhere has laid down some rule we don't know who when and where but if we don't match up with that rule we're losers. Yeah and you know and in our last video we spoke a little bit of pressure of porn in some ways and I do want to re-bring it here because this idea that we want to match up to what is being shown you know and unfortunately porn just shows that or penetrative orgasm is what happens and it happens in two seconds and the man enters and a woman comes and it doesn't happen that way and you know we we have to understand that sometimes clitural orgasm might be better for the woman might be easier for the woman maybe she can't have penetrative orgasm research shows us that most women are unable to have penetrative orgasm so if that is not happening then I can't even imagine the pressure men are feeling because if that's what they think is their goal post and the pressure women are facing because they're thinking oh my god it's not happening oh my god it's not happening and he's at it for so long I can't even imagine the pressure that both people have been facing about it. Yeah and I think that what I'd like to add to that is that if you're so concerned about the penetration okay here's the thing if you bring her to orgasm a woman has the ability to have an orgasm by many many different ways and the great thing about women's orgasms are that she doesn't need to wait too long before she has another one so it can happen in fairly quick succession I don't mean one or two minutes but I mean maybe 15-20 minutes you can arouse her again and if you're that concerned that you know she must feel something through penetration before you actually physically penetrate her use your fingers use your fingers to penetrate her maybe make the vagina a little bit more wet make it more excited and then go in because I tell you what if a woman is not going to have an orgasm during penetration if she's not capable of then you staying in there for as long as you want it's not going to suddenly make it happen and actually it can be painful after a while and one of the things we have to realize is for any pleasure any sexual pleasure the mind body and the feelings have to be connected and if our mind is on oh my ultimate thing is that I need to have penetrative orgasm and that's the pressure you're working with you're actually not present in the love making and if you're not present in the love making like you started at the beginning you're actually not enjoying sex you're not feeling pleasure which means trying to have that orgasm is going to become even more difficult I think individuals should take responsibility of their own pleasure so even as a woman she should decide what kind of orgasm she like to have she should communicate it she can help her partner saying this is how I get to penetrative orgasm easily or I rather have a little orgasm but be present enjoy the love making enjoy the sex rather than use it as an exam or a test in which you know successful equals penetrative orgasm for a woman and that you know then it's an exam it's not sex you know and yeah it's like a race to the finish isn't it it's like okay this is what I'm going to do I'm going to get in I'm going to do this and if you haven't had it or I've come too soon hey it's not a race to the finish think of it as a journey as a train journey and imagine that there are lots and lots of stations on the way and you can get off at any station you want so I really really I don't know what it's going to take for us to actually be able to get this point across on the top but I really want people to understand that sex is supposed to be about pleasure it's supposed to be about joy it's supposed to be good now there like just as I said that women cannot always have penetrative orgasms a lot of women can't similarly a lot of men cannot sustain themselves once they have penetrated so if you know that that is what the case is you have so many other things a woman's body is quite an amazing thing really it has so many erogenous zones there are so many possibilities of bringing her to orgasm through so many different ways we keep saying try more foreplay everybody's idea of foreplay is kissing for two minutes and then it's like you know like we've done our foreplay just I mean why it's about time that you understood that if you are going to go into a sexual act and come out of it feeling depressed and low and lacking in self-esteem it's not something you should be doing you need to change the way that you think about it and you know what you were speaking about the station one of the books we read and I thought this author described it the best way he said we should think about sex as a dinner date as going for dinner you know going for dinner to a fancy restaurant and the orgasm being the dessert and the the thing is think about all the meals have you had do you really remember the dessert or do you remember the main course and the starter and the multiple food that you had or whatever and there's so many times that you're so full up with all the food that you've eaten that sometimes most people say oh I'm too full I can't have the dessert and it's about the ambience and it's about you know the pleasure of the company and the other thing and it's really not about that end point and when we explain it to a lot of clients that way they really get it that you know it's not about that one single thing it's about the whole package in some ways and therefore you know don't concentrate on that endpoint think about the package and the second thing I like to say is communicate with your partner like you're saying there are so many points of pleasure have a conversation firstly every partner should think about for themselves what gives them pleasure and then communicate with your partner rather than saying oh I have to be this perfect lover and I have a formula for how to get this done doesn't work that way have a conversation with their partner they will tell you what gives them pleasure and then literally act on it based on the information yeah we've even had a couple of emails from men saying my wife can never come to pleasure and she's not interested in sex and you know and then and I we even had one email from this guy saying and I told her that she needs to try harder and I just thought to myself really so you know you have now also put this on her that okay she has got something wrong with her so it's there's always I mean that seems to be the final kind of result of the sexual act somebody's got something wrong with them I mean how dysfunctional is that thought but you should be thinking okay this is what makes me have an orgasm this is what makes you have an orgasm let's bring the two things together and make it happen for both of us it doesn't have to happen at the same time there is no I mean there isn't like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you know if it doesn't happen at the same time sex can still be really pleasurable it can be even more pleasurable because you can focus on each other's pleasure a little bit more and I think the key that you said is that each partner knows what brings them to orgasm you know and that's really important to notice and look at and in some times and exactly what you're saying you could focus on one partner in one point and focus on the other partner at the others and and I would really give this exercise to people when they think that and look you know remember a time that they had really good sex are they remembering the orgasm or are they remembering the whole act together you know are they remembering the full play are they remembering how they felt when somebody said something or touched them a certain way or something you know so we really make it reductionistic we make it very minimalistic when we only think of penetrative orgasm at the only pleasure point there is lots to enjoy and there is lots you know there's a lot of pleasure there and don't minimize it to one thing so I think basically the advice that Anita and I would like to give on this point and we think that this is a really important subject which is why we're dealing with it that sex should be joyous you should not feel depressed at the end of it and you should certainly not be feeling like a loser and you shouldn't be feeling that your self-esteem is going down because you think that you are not going to somebody else's you're not measuring up to somebody else's standards there are no standards for sex there are no standards for a penetrative orgasm there aren't so get that out of your mind now secondly if you are getting these ideas from watching porn which seems to be the place that most people go to to get their information or to get some ideas etc I can understand people want to go to porn but you have to remember there is nothing real about pornography nothing means nothing means nothing it is completely divorced from reality the orgasms even the the shape of the sexual organs are all white washed they're all photoshopped etc so nothing is real about pornography please do not base your experience or what you should be doing or what you should be feeling based on what you have watched in pornography understand that as a man if you feel that you are absolutely not being able to sustain yourself long enough that you can't hold your your ejaculate back for long enough that you think that you can't bring your partner to orgasm please understand that a woman has many different ways of coming to orgasm don't treat it like a miserable point and make it an unhappy experience for everybody so that you don't want to do it the next time do something different variety is the spice of life we've all heard that there are so many different ways of bringing a woman to orgasm use those different ways the kamasutra says bring her to orgasm at least twice before you penetrate her use the advice of the kamasutra and I think the most important thing as Anvita has said focus on the foreplay think of all the other things that go before the penetration make those fantastic is there anything else you'd like to add to that Anvita you know just repeating what you're saying you know when people come in and say oh I have to do this who decided you have to do where is this manual of this is what love making should look like this is what makes a good lover where is it written remember that every partner is different so if anybody says to you there's a manual that manual cannot work for every partner which means that manual doesn't exist so don't like I really question who decided this rules who said this that there has to be these are the steps this is what should happen and like you said I really want to repeat that for point about pornography we watch it and we think oh it should take 10 seconds for somebody to have penetrated orgasm it is all done in shots it's all fake they have edited that video they have brought it together nobody's actually doing it at the timeline you're looking at it it doesn't work that way so don't see it as reality and trying to replicate it in your relationship yeah it's a multimillion dollar industry they have the best editors in the world and actors and actors absolutely so I think that our key is happiness if you go into something feeling happy you're going to come out of it feeling happy if you're going to sex feeling happy you're going to come out of it feeling happy enjoy it don't worry about a standard that you think somebody else has said trust us when we say that there is no definitive bar or standard everything is individual as Anitha says everybody is different every partner is different communicate with each other and see what might give each other give you pleasure what might give your partner pleasure and most importantly try something different try something different every single day if you want research that if you're going to research sex at all have fun guys really have fun have fun with it so I really hope that you're going to take this advice on board because I think that your mental health is very deeply related to your sexual health and vice versa as always on our video do comment like and subscribe if you have any more questions write them in to info.seema.anand at gmail.com and of course Anrita is always there for private counseling if you need her on anrita madan behel.com we'll see you next week see you next time