 It's hard to deviate from what you know how to do, which is be a positive, bright person to let yourself really not be okay and expect people to stay for it. Ooh, that's a lot of coffee, hold on. I'll steam clean it later. Hello there, my beautiful, lovely internet friends. Welcome back to Today's Berry, impromptu video. I felt compelled to speak about this subject and by the title you may guess that it is a pretty heavy one. I'll put a couple of disclaimers down below. If you wanna continue to watch this video, fantastic. If you're not in the place for that, fantastic. Earlier this week, the news hit that Twitch, Steven, Twitch boss, passed away. He lost his life to suicide. And this is not someone I was personally familiar with, but certainly knew some of their work from social media. I watched their videos and their dances and the amount of absolute joy and energy and just bright light that this person exuded for years for so many people is impressive, it's beautiful. There are some videos that I watched and you just look at him and the way that he moves and the way he interacts with people and you're like, that is a person being a human being, like being exactly who they were meant to be and it is beautiful to watch. And then I saw post after post from people that I follow who personally knew him and the personal impact, the fact that he was really an incredible human being had such an amazing influence and impact and energy for so many people. And heartbreakingly, this person who is in so many ways, the pinnacle of light was dealing with a lot of darkness and lost his life. I wanna make a couple of things really clear as I jump into this video. Number one, I am not speculating or commenting or anything on what was going on in his life or his mind because I don't know if that's not my place, I would never do that. Number two, I'm gonna speak really candidly about my experience with darkness and mental health and suicidal ideation. I need you to know that I am okay. This is stuff that I am talking about with the people that I need to be talking about it with. I am taking the steps that I need to take to make it. But I wanted to talk about why happy people kill themselves because here's the thing. I know from many, many messages that I've received in comments that I am seen in a somewhat similar light, obviously not to the same extent or level, but I am told all of the time what a beautiful person I am, the light and brightness and energy that I bring, people see me in such a positive light and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I know that I have a personality that is infectious to a lot of people and that can speak to a lot of people. I know that I can have a very substantial impact on my community, my little piece of the world. And I think that most people who know me casually or even to a slightly deeper level would tell you that, yes, I struggle. I'm honest about my mental health. I almost put that in quotes. You'll understand why later. But I'm resilient and I'm pushing through and I'm making it and great. But I think one of the curses of having a very bright personality that people like, when you are also feeling the weight and the pull of a lot of very, very icky, heavy darkness, it gets confusing being that person. Over the last many months in particular, this has been one of the worst periods in my life where I kind of dealt with new mental health stuff that I didn't really know was there before. There's been a lot of darkness. There have been more days than I am comfortable saying where I genuinely wasn't really sure if I was gonna make it to the next day. And sometimes the more that I see the positive impact that I have, the harder it becomes to stay alive because of one very important thing. As I have been alone for the first time in my life, I got divorced this year. I went through a lot of relationship across the board friendship kind of changes. And as I have sat with myself, I have become very aware of the fact that loving me as me is not something that I know how to do very well. And it's really easy to hide from yourself. I'm not even talking about other people, but to like hide from yourself that reality when you can bring so much joy to other people. It's a coping mechanism. And to some extent, I think that you kind of double down on the making other people happy thing because that's achievable, that's doable, that's, you can put your hands around that. But like the making yourself happy thing or the loving yourself thing or the bringing that same joy to your own heart you feel so utterly incapable of instead of looking at that void which feels like way too much to look at. You know, you just keep trying to give other people the thing that you actually need from yourself. Quick side note here, I wanna talk about the moment that I had this realization because I never thought I don't love myself. Maybe when I was like 12 or 13 going through like initial teenage angst. I had the very unique experience of someone seeing me very clearly and having the courage to express what they saw in an unfiltered way. It's actually Halloween night. I was grabbing a drink with kind of a new friend. We'd been talking for a couple of months and I was expressing like some of the struggles that I was going through and he talked about like loving yourself. And I was like, well, no, I mean like, of course I love myself, you know and he kind of stopped me and was like, no, Joe, you don't people who love themselves don't do these things that you have been doing. And you know, like maybe when you know something or people have told you it a hundred times but it doesn't click until it clicks. In that moment, it fucking clicked for me. I started sobbing at the bar, potentially embarrassing but at that moment I really didn't care because he saw something in me and saw the behaviors that I'd been participating in some of which were very, very self-destructive at that time and was able to accurately convey to me something that rang so very uncomfortably true. The more good things that have come my way the more good experiences and relationships. It has made me uncomfortably aware of the fact that I do not actually think I am deserving of any of those things. So when they are given to me, it feels wrong. It feels insincere. It feels like I shouldn't accept it. It feels like people don't know who I really am because why would they see me in this positive way? And also when you have that personality type where you've developed the skills to bring a lot of joy to people it becomes really hard to convey the depth of how not okay you are. When A, it is your go-to coping skillset to make other people happy and B, when people see you as full of so much light so like, yeah, you might be struggling but we all know you're gonna be okay. Problem is that isn't always the case. And I say that specifically to say that this is a struggle that I have had. I don't know how to let sometimes even people who are very close to me in on anything other than the kind of scripted paragraph version of like, yeah, it's been really hard. I'm really struggling, you know. I don't know how to do this yet but I'm here, okay, now let's talk about whatever else, you know, it's like a coping mechanism to like put it out there but then also to shift it back on other people, shift the focus back to more positive things or laughter or smiles or joy. And that is a me problem that has done an other people problem because I haven't yet learned how to like really fall apart and let people hold me because that requires a lot of trust, a lot of vulnerability and a lot of discomfort. It's hard to deviate from what you know how to do which is be a positive, right person to like let yourself really not be okay and expect people to stay for it. And like as I say all of this, there's people who will probably be watching this video who are my friends, who I know, who I love, who I know would do so much for me if I let them but I don't know how to let them yet. I don't know how to accept that. I don't know how to sustainably let someone meet me where I am without trying to put myself back together so it's less uncomfortable for everybody. And these are all learned behaviors. We all have our survival tactics and how we survive in the world and the ways that we have evolved to make life work. And I think one of my primary ones is functioning in a way that is very beneficial to those who see me which I love doing, which is not inauthentic but it is not sufficient to just rely on that. Like there has to be more. There has to be more for you. Here's the thing. I think any reason to stay alive is a solid one. Do that. If you are struggling and anything feels like something to hold on to, hold the hell onto it. Oftentimes that can be other people, people we love not wanting to cause them harm or heartache. Sometimes that's holding onto the future or what it could be. Sometimes it's dumb things like wanting to watch the end of a TV show that hasn't finished yet, all valid, all good. But there are some times for me when all of that just ceases to matter. Like I cannot stay alive for other people any longer which brings me to the very uncomfortable reality that I have to find a reason for me because at the end of the day, that's all I've got. I cannot only stay alive because I make other people happy. I cannot only stay alive to save other people from harm. I need to find a way to keep me here for me also. And I haven't totally put my finger on what that is just yet. I will find my way through this. I know that I will. I just don't have a friggin' clue how yet which is the key and operating word that I wanna get tattooed on me in really big letters just so I remember in those dark moments that you don't have it yet. You haven't figured it out yet. You aren't okay yet, but it's going to get there. And I trust that, especially in the moments when it sounds really dumb, especially in the moments when I'm like, you're full of shit, yet it's stupid. It's never gonna be okay, especially in those moments. I hold on to the fact that I know depression is a really effective liar. It's really good at messing my brain up and twisting how I see the world. But finding a reason that is internal when you are in a lot of pain to hang on for you is one of the most challenging things. I think another element of this is success. So I have been incredibly lucky to experience a lot of success over the past couple of years, especially when it comes to what I do professionally, what I do here on social media. Some of the craziest things that I could think of have come true. And again, kind of talking about the larger issue of people who are very successful or rich or famous or whatever it is, but just experience amazing things and have success. Like how could they not wanna live anymore? It doesn't make sense from the outside, but living within it and having experienced the stupid liar that darkness is, the more you experience success and amazing things. And if you, A, don't feel like you deserve them, but B, realize that they are not as fulfilling as you expected them to be, that also starts to get pretty scary because sometimes the reason to keep going is like, I wanna achieve that goal. I wanna see that thing. I wanna meet that person. I wanna do this thing for me or for other people. And then you get there and you realize you still feel like shit. There's like a very temporary, wow, that was cool. And then you're back to your baseline where at the end of the day, you are stuck with yourself and no one else in those moments. And one of the big red flags for me when it comes to my mental health is when I lose the ability to picture a future where I am okay, where this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and numbness and just, I don't even have words for it, very harmful thoughts. I literally can't imagine a life where I don't feel that all the time. So I start thinking, okay, what do I wanna do? What's the most amazing thing that could happen? Okay, if that came true, I would still feel like this. So what is the point? Why would I work towards anything when it's all empty? And as I say that out loud, I know that's not true, yet it feels it because I am not in a great mental place. And I know enough about my brain to know that when I cease to be able to imagine positive things for myself, big indication that I need to make sure I have pieces in my life in place to save me for myself, which is exactly what I am doing and have done until I want to save me for myself again and my brain clears and I am able to do a better job of keeping me here in a healthy way. But when that starts feeling a little bit meaningless, that's when I know I have to really start doing some uncomfortable work, trying to look at the fact that I don't know how to be okay for me, not for other people. I'm good at that. I'm really good at being okay for other people. I don't know how to be okay for me. I don't know how to want to take care of myself yet. And it's kind of embarrassing to be like, I kind of realized that I don't love myself. I feel like I should. I feel like I have a lot of reasons that I could, but there's also a lot of trauma and a lot of darkness and a lot of stuff that gets complicated in my head. And I realized that I don't know how to do this yet. I don't know how to want to stick around for me yet. I don't know how to accept good things yet. I don't know how to have these incredible experiences and not feel worse after sometimes. I am having one of the hardest times that I've ever had. The rate at which I go from, I am fantastic. I am doing so good. God, this was a great day to like 30 minutes later, really not knowing what I might actually do from such a dark, overwhelmed place. It's terrifying. And this is again, something that I am in a lot of counseling and have support for. It is so utterly heartbreaking when we lose anybody to mental health struggles. And I think on a societal level, it's a special level of heartbreaking when that person is someone who has brought so much to the world, who has brought so much joy and light. I don't know if this is all very weird to talk about or not, but I wanted to put this together in video form for a variety of reasons. Hopefully for me that I'll look back on this video, however long from now and be like, that was a really hard time. And you grew from that. That was a really hard time and you figured out a reason to stick around for you. That was a really hard time, but you did it and I'm proud of you. I'm choosing to believe that moment will come and choosing to believe I will find a way to get there, even if it feels like a joke right now. Because I know I can, I know I will. I just don't know how yet. You know, I think I'm gonna call up my tattoo artist and like get yet tattooed on me somewhere like today. I'm getting a lot of tattoos lately, guys. Is it the best coping skill? Maybe. Like if there's something that's gonna keep me here, even if it's dumb, I'm gonna do that right now because nothing means anything if I'm not here. And so I'm trying to find those healthier coping skills. That was a weird tangent anyways. I think I'm gonna call my tattoo artist and get tattooed today. If you've made it this far, I appreciate you sitting with me and listening. I think a lot of what I've spoken about is so not unique to me. I think it is very universal. Hopefully not actually universal. Like I don't think everyone feels this way, but I know I'm not alone in it, though I certainly often feel that way. And so to those who relate to this, I'm here with you. You're not alone. I'm not either. And if you just listen to listen, I also really appreciate that because it's a very loving thing to do. So thank you. I'm gonna go ahead and unceremoniously close out this video. I feel like I need to repeat again because I've talked really bluntly about some things in this video that this is not a video meant to cause concern. This has been going on for quite some time. And I know I will be okay. I just don't know how to get there yet. There's a way through darkness for all of us. And if you're in the midst of it, I wish you Godspeed and finding your way to the other side as I work my way there as well. I love you guys and thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.