 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's eight o'clock, past fellow. We're only here for PDQ gasoline, here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show. Well, they're new-thinking discoveries Susan Miller and Maddie Malnick-Harkins are on yours truly, Michael Roy. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are. I couldn't help it, Abbott. I jumped in my car, drove down a long beach, over to San Ana, up to Las Vegas, down through the mountains, and here I am. Well, why didn't you come straight here? Abbott, did you ever try to drive through Los Angeles? Who was that girl I saw you talking to outside the studio? Oh, she's a French war bride. She just came from France to join her husband. She has quintuplets. Right, Jim? No. My private first-class Carl Schwartz of Madison, New York. Costello, you're the world's biggest idiot. You're the only saying that because everybody else does. All right! Detective Roy. Let's see what you know about crime detection. Now, I'm a beautiful woman spy. I was an international figure in the last world war. I have soft blonde hair, shapely legs, and a seductive feet. Now, what's my name? Who cares? What's your phone number? No! Oh, yeah? Uncle Mike is smart. He's got a new job up on top of Lookout Mountain. Job on Lookout Mountain? What does he do? Well, he sits here all day. And when another mountain comes along, he yells, Lookout! Lookout! I'll never know what your aunt may ever saw in him. Oh, it was wonderful, Abbott. When Uncle Mike proposed Aunt May, you should have seen him. He got up on one knee. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean he got down on one knee? No, up. He was in a slone at the time. He is collecting antiques as a hobby. He's got a wheel off a Roman chariot, an axle from an old ox cart, a cashier from a covered wagon, and the first motor from a Stanley steamer. So where does he keep all this stuff? Keep it. He drives it. Oh, no! Wait, Scott. Now, wait. Relax and listen a minute. My friend here has got something interesting to say. Once a month on every oil-executive desk is a scientific analysis of many things the findings of an independent testing laboratory are reported to all the industry. And any petroleum engineer would have to admit that this PDQ gasoline looks mighty-mighty good in the hard-lighted scientific analysis. We get a kick out of this PDQ because it reminds the big boys that when we talk seriously of PDQ quality, PDQ power, PDQ speed, we're giving you straight facts, not just making up pretty words. PDQ makes its own gas at its own PDQ refinery. Shockwave, and have our own oil well. And so our gasoline is our own product. And the PDQ gasoline you use in your car is the first and finest product we make. What this means in extra mileage, more power, and quick performance in your car is something that will please you mightily. So shall we plan on filling you up next time with PDQ? While you ponder this, here's the Abbott and Costello gas station gang stays for one musical minute. Will this house really easy? Yes, but her mother didn't think me very nice. She wanted me to help her do the housework. She did? Yep, she said, step into the kitchen and I'll mop up the floor with you. What did you do? I stuck my tongue out at her. That's not nice. I couldn't help it. I always do that when she's choking me. Maybe you continually run after Susan. Before I was married, I didn't run after my wife. Abbott, a mouse trap doesn't run after a mouse, but it catches them just as they are. I forget it, Costello. This year, why don't you get married and settled out? Well, I did ask Susan Miller to marry me, and she said she wouldn't in a certain place. In a certain place? Yes, I never heard of it. It's called in a pig's eye. Must be near Pissamale Beach. Now, you let Susan push you around. You let everybody push you around. Why don't you stand up to people and tell them what you think? I do. I stood up to Truman. What happened? Nothing, she went right on singing. Don't let me down. Please don't let me down. You just can't let me down. Who are you? Oh, just an old short skit. I have a nephew, folks. Oh, now quit picking on him, Costello. Why don't you be nice to him? Yes. I'll invite him over to my house tonight and open up a guest guest. Now, look. He's got a help to us, Costello. He's a good actor. In our new picture, the news hangs high. He played a bit. In our last picture, he played a bit? Yes. He's a two-bit actor. All right, now listen. I need to interrupt him. He's back again. What do you want? Mr. Costello, you're one of the funniest comedians and one of the finest stars in the entire motion picture industry. Oh, Norman. You're just saying that. No, I'm not. I'm reading it. Abbott, I'd like to take him for a long walk on a short pier. No, wait. You're just jealous because he's a better actor than you. Is that so? I'll have you know that I played with Lauren McCall in Dark Passage. I saw that picture. And I didn't see you with Lauren McCall. Well, who do you think turned out delight in the passage? Stop. The director didn't think so much of you with Eagle Lion. He did so. I heard him say that my performance was very educational. He said your performance was educational? Well, not exactly. But when he saw me on the screen in New Saints High, he said, well, this ought to teach us a lesson. How did you have to get in pictures anyway? Mr. Devon says I was a little boy. I want to be a dramatic actor. You know, Abbott, I started off in life as a little boy. Everybody starts off in life as a little boy. My sister didn't. Hello, boys. Hello. It's Susan Miller. Susan. Isn't that a pretty dress you're wearing? It's nothing. It's just an old mother haberd. Well, don't look now, but your cupboard is there. I am. Can't tell her that's no way to talk to Susan. Be sweet to her. Say something nice. Susan, you are the very quintessence of feminine puke with you. And your devastating beauty overshadows any other beauty. And so be it. My very soul. My very soul. My very soul. My very soul. My very soul. My very soul was skin-to-leaning palpitations, ostentatious rapidations. Oh C lamella, when you know me better, you ought to take that all back. Oh no, I won't have a couple of times to get it out. Don't any attention to H-I-M. Let's you and I go out on a D-A-T-E. How about T-O-N-I-G-H-T? Now, wait a minute, that ain't fair. You're using words with letters in them. Susan, you're supposed to be my girl. It's no need to pursue me, Castello. I want a man who has lived. Well, I've lived. I mean, recently. Very funny. Keep it up, Susan, and you'll be back in a child's window flipping pens. Don't you know that women only use men as tools? Do you use men for tools? Certainly. Yeah, well... Let me know, Susan, if you ever need a vice. If you take the third, I'll go out and sit in the audience. I'm gonna get off a joke here once in a while, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Better get off that one before it hatches. Susan, if I were a single man, I'd ask you to marry me. Well, that would be wonderful, bud. And if we had children, you'd be the father. Yes, but... I don't know. Well, that would be wonderful, bud. And if we had children, you'd be the father. Yes, the man is always the father. And the woman is always the mother. If it was any different, you'd be on People Are Funny. Don't mind him, Susan. He's decided to be a big dramatic actor. Oh, a big dramatic actor. Well, you're so fast, dear. Well, Castello, I might be able to get you a pardon in your picture, the Iceman cover. They need a nature like me to be the leading man. No, they need a drip like you to empty the pan under the icebox. There's only one thing wrong with Susan. She don't believe in give and take. What do you mean? She don't believe I've got anything to give and she wouldn't take it anyway. I'm sorry when I'm a big dramatic actor. So you insist on being a dramatic actor, eh? Yes. Well, let's see how you'd play a dramatic scene with a girl. Now, let's pretend that I'm the first girl you ever met in your life. I sure start out with a dog. What kind of a girl am I? Am I pretty? Well, what difference does it make? I don't care if you're bull-egged cross-eyed just as long as you're a girl. Oh, you men are all alike. All right. You're the 23-year-old girl and you're living on the floor playing with your dog. How do you like that? I'm a girl, 23 years old, and I'm playing with my feet. Oh, come on. Now, remember, you're the girl and I'm coming in to call on you. Here I come. Why don't you answer the door? I'm just showing you that I'm hard to get. So, I'm coming in anyway. Sir, what are you screaming for? Oh, my, I'm taking a bath. You're taking a bath? Yes, and I'm having dinner. You eat? You eat dinner in the bathtub? Sure, save time. I can wash myself and the dishes both together. I'm through. Oh, no, Abbott, please. Please, give me one more chance. Well, all right. Now, here I come again. I'm going to teach you how to play a dramatic love scene with a girl. Now, come into my arms. No, no, Abbott. That fellow stopped pushing me. Do you hear? Ah! Be out the window. I had to, Abbott. I thought I heard my husband come. Ah! Blick of an eyelash, folks, after a few comments on this subject. And now, ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please, at this phase of the exhibition, pour within the confines of these walls you're about to hear for perhaps the first time, a revolutionary new idea in motoring. Over the broad highways of this great nation, we, a PDQ, which I have the honor to represent, are determined that word shall spread among the alert, the intelligence, the leaders. Please, move in a little closer here. Of a great new discovery in California, not gold, not gravel, not sunshine, but, and this is a historic moment, the clean windshield. The clean, bright, unfullied, pockling windshield courtesy of your neighborhood PDQ dealer. I tell you, friends, that somewhere tonight on this broad land, the rain is falling. The mud, the dirt, the grime, the tawdry byproducts of our civilization are clouding windshields of every make and model, paid for or not. Better check the oil, too, Lou. And if you, and you, and you will join me in a vast, driving, unbeatable, forward-moving parade of determined American men and women in your neighborhood PDQ station to get your windshield wiped, this will be a happier world. I think that's all I was carrying on. Hello, Robin, lyrics approved by the Hollywood Chamber of Commons. It's June in January. Here's one of my big successes. The man who came to dinner would put the sugar in the coffee. That was a stirring performance. I played Napoleon. My greatest scene was when I was Napoleon and I lost the battle of the... The battle of the... Waterloo? No, thanks, but I'm not thirsty. If yes, that's a great actor. Why aren't you in demand at the studios? I am. Universal Studios is calling me every day. Oh, why don't you go there? I don't like what they're calling me. That's how the great actors have a blatant touch. Why, when I kiss the girl on the stage, I touch her hands. That's the average touch. I speak lines with my back to the audience. That's the average touch. Would you loan me $10? Why? That's the Costello touch. Ah! You should study the great actors. Go to the theaters more often. I go every night at it. I take a bag of gum drops and sit in the balcony. Well, I take chocolates and sit in the box. Don't that squash the chocolates? No, never mind. Never mind that Costello. There's a lot of money in dramatic acting. Do you really think you could do it? It's a cinch. Then actors don't know what they're doing. Last night I saw Pitalori do a scene. It went like this. If you get the information, Mr. Myers, you didn't get the information, Mr. Myers, but you were supposed to get the information, Mr. Myers. There's a guy getting $3,000 a week and he came and get the information. Right, Costello. I'll be a regular fellow. If you want to be a dramatic actor, you'll need an agent. I'll take you to the best agent in town. Come on. Let me be with you in a moment. Thank you. Do you know this guy? Is he really a good agent? Well, he carries a lot of weight. He gets steamed up. He pushes his way into the studio. He's flattening the opposition and paves the way for you. I call that an agent. I call that a steamroller. Let me do it. He's a great agent. He's got his foot in the door at MGM. His finger in the playa peremon. His ear to the ground, the eagle eye, and he keeps one eye on universal art. If he's going to handle me, he's got to do one thing. What's that? Pull himself together. Are you a gentleman now? All righty. I'll be with you in a moment, gentlemen. I'm talking to a client on the phone. All right? You're tired of playing the same parts all the time? But you're not a romantic lead. I'm sorry, but you'll have to just keep playing the same kind of part. Goodbye. Uh, who was that? Trigger. He's tired of playing the part of a horse. I'd drop him as a client, but he owes me $500. I loaned him for gambling. Trigger, the horse gambles? Sure. I see him at the track every day. He bets on the jockey. Mr. Whitney, Custello wants to be a dramatic actor. Custello, have you had any acting experience? Well, once I was with a traveling troupe, a road company. Did you spend much time on the road? I was on a road so much I had a white line down the middle of my back. Of course, then, Custello. Mr. Whitney, could you get Custello a dramatic part in pictures? Well, let's see. They need an actor to fight Humphrey Bogart in his new picture. How much salary would you want for that, Custello? $10,000. Here's another job you'd have to hold up a stagecoach. How much would you want for that? $10,000. Here's another job you'd have to make love to Ann Sheridan. She smuggles you with kisses. How much would you want for that job? Would $3 be asking too much? Custello, if I get you a job in pictures, you'll have to develop finesse. You'll have to act with poise. I've got to act with poise? Certainly. Why can't I act with girls? Custello, you do act with girls, but you act with poise. How can I act with girls if I want to act with poise? Custello, whenever you act with girls, they expect you to act with poise. Not the girls I go out with. You don't understand. We're talking about poise. Poise is important. Suppose you arrived to dance with a girl in a picture. You would dance with poise. Now he's got me dancing with poise. All fellas do not dance with poise, but they should. If they do, it'll close down the palladium. Custello, you're a little mixed up. Forget about poise. Let's put it this way. I want you to look well. Be deaf and ass. Wear your clothes with grace. Oh, you want me to think? And could I have that again? Look, he wants you to wear your clothes with grace. Now, ain't that a pretty picture? Grace and me walking down the street in my clothes. I can hardly get into this suit myself. Forget about Grace, Custello. I'm concerned with your appearance. I insist that you dress Natalie. I'll be glad to. Where does Natalie live? Natalie doesn't live anywhere. Natalie is not a girl. Must be one of those boys we were talking about. Darling, look at me. We're talking about appearance. Every actor in pictures dresses Natalie. Addict, do you dress Natalie? Certainly. Where did your wife find out about this? Mr. Custello, we're not discussing a woman. We're discussing clothes. Now, before I take you to the studio for a job, I want you to go to a good men's shop and get some decent attire. Good. I'll go right away. And what should I get? A tire. Something to wear. A tire. You want me to wear a tire? Certainly. How do you like that? Now, he's got me walking down the street dressed in a tire. What are you talking about, Custello? Wear a rabbit. I didn't mind it when you told me that I have to dance with boys. And I did not check when you asked me to wear my clothes with grace. And then you made me get grace out of my clothes and put them on Natalie. But when you asked me to wear a tire so that I will have to go to a sewing station every time I want to get dressed, I don't like that. You have not only imputed on my good name, but you have passed continually on the good name of the two pants suitmakers of America and besmirched the dignity of the Amalgamated Confederation of Needleworkers, and you have degraded the capacity of Los Angeles style cutters of the U.S.A. and St. Petersburg. Studios to get a job. I brought over my new clients. They're loaded with C&P. Who are they, D.W.? A&C. A&C. P.U. You see, A.K., Custello is anxious to play a dramatic part in pictures. Well, I'm making a picture called the life of Sidney Greenstreet. Custello, you might play the part of Sidney Greenstreet. You both have the same shape. Hey, I spoke to Sidney Greenstreet on the phone last night. Long kisses. Person to person? No, stomach to stomach. Hey, Custello, have you ever had any experience as a screen lover? Well, in my last picture, I hugged and kissed Ingrid Bergman. She was very happy. Ingrid Bergman was not in our last picture, Lou. That's why she was so happy. Just about on the sound stage, Custello, and I'll give you a screen test. What's that? We are shooting a picture. I'm going to take my brother to see that picture. Oh, but the picture won't be out for six months. Neither will my brother. Now, if you want to make money in pictures, Custello, you've got to have polish. Every star needs polish. Our stars can't get enough polish. Now, do you know how to make money in pictures? Sure. Sell polish to the stars. Custello, by polish, he means work. Hard work. Take Clark Gable. When he makes love to a heavy Lamar, it becomes work. Just like selling newspapers. Any questions? I wonder if Gable will sell me his newsstand. Ready for your test, now, Custello. Now, remember, you are supposed to be Sydney Greenstreet. Now, give it everything you've got. Life. Come to my arms. Alivea. At last, we are alone. Alivea. I'm over here. Alivea. Kiss me. Taking love to my girl. I've known about this all. With stuff like that, you'll catch me every time. Go to the projection room and run the test. Doesn't Custello remind you of Sydney Greenstreet? That's it. What an idea. It's wonderful. You mean I get the job? No. Send for Sydney Greenstreet. I think of ideas like the life of Sydney Greenstreet, starring Sydney Greenstreet. Abbot, get me out of here. Don't go away, folks. Our stars will be back. But first, they'd like you to listen to this. Let's roll out the old PDQ welcome mat for a few new typical dealers. Guys who have recently joined the PDQ team of independent dealers. There's R.Z. and R.W. Hardeen down in Long Beach. M.C. Miller and Chino. Theodore H. Smith out in Banning. Charles R. Stevens in Pomona. And Irving Fontaine in Melvin, Suvara up in San Jose. Then, too, there's Albert J. Wyatt, Santa Monica. And Richard L. Birkmeyer of San Bernardino. All new PDQ dealers. Typical of the many, many automotive experts who are men in business for themselves. Substantial citizens of their own communities who, by their very act of selecting PDQ gasoline and other PDQ products to sell when they could be selling more than any brand have put their expert stamp of approval on the quality, the reputation, and the acceptance of PDQ automotive products. I can only get acquainted with the PDQ dealer in your neighborhood. You will find he has a sincere interest and a know-how to take much better care of your cost. And now the PDQ gas station gang pillar up Abbott and check the oil castello. The final word. I'll take it Abbott. Hello? Yes? Is that so? That's terrible. Goodbye. The man of Castello. Oh, Mike Custon Peter went to the licensed bureau at the city hall for a marriage license. He got shoved into the wrong line. What Abbott? He is now Cochrane Spaniel 176543. Oh, good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Hope to get to wish my son a morning for our new kiddie show. Goodbye. Hi, everybody, I'm Patterson. Tonight at this time for another great Abbott and Castello show. Produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Banda and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick Orchestra. This is my...