 Proudly we hail. Hello from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. This is C.P. McGregor speaking and welcoming you to another performance of Proudly We Hail, a program presented by your War Department. Through the courtesy of the Hollywood Coordinating Committee, we welcome Mr. Alan Jocelyn, as the star of our play, Authors Are Such Dopes, written by Tom Petty with music by Eddie Skravanik. Hugh Settit's first novel is Selling Like Hot Cakes. But so far as the public's concerned, the book is by Don Torrance, the pen name chosen by Hugh's publisher, Mr. Feingold. And here he is. All right, take a memo, Miss Clotch. Sit here. Okay. Comfortable? Okay. Quote, I want every employee of the Planet Publishing Company to put their shoulders to the wheel and do a lot of constructive thinking about bitter tears by Don Torrance. I want you to hit the line of fighting. I want you to take the bit in your teeth and put your nose to the grindstone. With a lot of sincere promotion ideas for bitter tears, I've just ordered another 500,000 copies printed. Unquote. Now, you see that every department head gets a copy of that. That's all, Miss Clotch. You can get off my lap now. Okay. All right. Oh, I'll see that author now if he's still out there. Oh, come right in, Mr. Torrance. Have a seat. You have to keep on calling me Torrance. Oh, now, now, my boy. Let's don't have any more arguments about that silly name of yours. I'm not finding a sincere pen name for you. Okay. Don Torrance wrote bitter tears, but remember to make out the royalty checks to Hugh Settit, H-U-G-H-S-E-D-D-I-T. You said it. Now, you got me saying it. No, my boy. You better have your name legally changed. You know, a friend of mine named Smelt had his name changed to Lincoln, Washington, Jr. and got rid of two generations of Smelt's at the same time. All right. I'll think it over. After all, a herring by any other name would smell as sweet. Oh, never mind about that. Now, I had you come in here today before, but I'm busy on another book. I want to do something serious this time, something worthy of the name of Settit. Oh, please, don't joke with me. I'm a busy man working day and night to make you rich. But I'm not joking. Well, neither am I. Now, it's in your contract that you speak to these women's clubs and you help sell the book. All right, Sam, I agree. When do I start? Wisecracks all the time, wisecracks. Tonight you take the train to Hill City. You will be the guest of Mrs. J. Stanley Updike and you will speak to her club. And I'm to speak about bitter tears. Certainly. Everything is arranged. Next week you will speak in another city. And the next and the next. I'll go, but sometimes for crying out loud I wonder why I ever wrote bitter tears. It doesn't look like what I expected, but it's the only stranger to get off the train at Hill City. I'll take a chance. Oh, pardon me. Were you expecting someone to meet you? Well, yes. I rather expected to encounter Mrs. J. Stanley Updike. Well, you came pretty close. You're now encountering Mrs. Sally Updike. I hope you're a good driver. As a matter of fact, I am. I took first honors in my class in college for one-arm driving. How did you? I don't believe they told mother she was getting a college man. I'm afraid Mr. Feingold's slipping. Oh, you know, I think I'm going to enjoy this assignment. Well, you move in fast. Don't you think we should decide about you first? Possibly. Is this your car? Yes, but you'll be driving mothers most of the time. It's a bit more sedate. All right, let's go. It's pretty well. Keep an eye open for speed cops. Will you? I'm going to let her out a bit. You'll do nothing of the sort. Do I just call you James or do you have a name? What? You mean you don't know my name? Of course I don't know your name, but I'm sure you must have one. Well, certainly I have a name. You said it. I said what? You said it. That's my name. Oh, no. It couldn't be. I'm afraid it is. I guess I'm stuck with it. You said it. Never mind. Mother will give you a new one. What is this? A conspiracy? Everyone trying to change my name? I'll... Sure. I know what you'll do. You'll pull into that driveway on the left. This is where you work, you said it. Well, nice cozy little 20 room dump you've got, Miss Updike. Oh, we're glad you like it. You can put the car in the garage. I think I'll leave it parked right here. I never did like bossy women. Well, I've never known a chauffeur with worse manners. You think I'm a chauffeur? Me, a chauffeur? Oh, I'm beginning to wonder. Is that you, Stanley? Oh, yes, Mother. I have your new chauffeur here, but I think we'd better send him back to the agency. No, since we need him. The agency recommended him very highly. Madam. Madam, will you please quit circling around me like an Indian in a war dance? Mm-hmm. You'll do. I'll have to order new uniforms. You're far too large to wear Henry's old ones. All right, all right. Get the limousine out. I want you to drive me to the station. Sir, did you hear from Don Torrance? Yes, the telegram said he'd be in this morning. I suppose I'll have to meet every train. What is your name, young man? What? Oh, uh, just call me James. We pause briefly from our story. Authors are such dopes, starring Alan Jocelyn to bring you an important message from your war department. Imagine that you're at your local airport watching a nearby army jet-propelled plane. Suddenly, with incredible speed, the plane takes off and in an instant disappears. Then you hear the roar the engine made as the plane left the ground, out of sight before you even heard a take-off. That's speed. Is this just a tall story, some fantastic machine of a distant future? No, indeed. Already, the army has planes that fly faster than the speed of sound. Already, the army has developed radio-controlled rockets that can fly seven times as fast. Aviation is just one of many fields in which our new, regular army is daily making new discoveries. Army technicians are doing research and development in such fields as photography, engineering, medicine, radar, and others of a scientific nature. If you're a physically fit young man between 17 and 34, there's a worthwhile career waiting for you in the army. Your local army recruiting station will be glad to tell you about it today. Act two of Authors Are Such Dopes, starring Alan Jocelyn as Hugh Settit. Well, it's almost time for Mrs. Updike's club meeting, and the famous Mr. Don Torrance is still among the missing. But here comes Hugh. Maybe he'll admit his identity. Sorry to disturb you again, madam, but I've been to every hotel in Hill City. Your author must have taken a powder. Taken a powder? You mean he's ill? He means Mr. Torrance has run away, mother. Or if that word slingers in town, he's traveling if I may coin a phrase. In cog? Say, you sound like a character out of bitter tears, Hugh Settit. Darling, I wish you wouldn't use those awful slang expressions. Oh, dear me, and I did so want Don Torrance as my guest. I've told everyone he would be with me and they're dying with envy. Now they laugh right in my face. Perhaps I'd better take another look around town. Perhaps you had. I have an idea I can find this fellow, Torrance, but you'll have to help me. Go with him, Sally. I know how I'm ever going to face Lena Klotzmeier. She had a poet as her guest last week. Well, you just walk right in and tell all of them that Don Torrance has been delayed, but he's expected at any minute. Well, suppose he doesn't come? What if you can't find him? Don't worry, Mrs. Uptight. Don Torrance will be there, or I'll produce a reasonable facsimile thereof. That'll be all, waiter. Thank you, sir. All right. Here I am in the palace hotel with my chauffeur. I think you'd better start explaining, Mr. Torrance. Oh, so you do know who I am? I've known ever since you parked my car in front of the house. Then why did you introduce me to your mother as the new chauffeur? I wanted to teach you a lesson for trying to fool me at the station with that corny name. But my name is Hugh Settlet. Don Torrance is a pen name selected by my publisher. I never can remember to use it at the right time. Why didn't you tell mother who you really are? Oh, I don't know. I had an idea it might be fun playing chauffeur with you around. Oh, you did? Yes, and it has been. Only your mother takes this club thing pretty seriously. I think it would break her heart to say nothing of her pride to show up at the club empty-handed. Oh, I'm not going to disappoint her. I'm going over there right now. But she won't accept you as Don Torrance. Have you forgotten? You're her new chauffeur. Well, you'll go with me. We'll break right in. You'll introduce me as the author of Bitter Tears, and I'll take over from there. All right, Don. But this one's on you. Do you have to call me Don? Forget who you are. Maybe you're right. Anyhow, I kind of like the way you say Don. Here we are. It's your move, Don. Go ahead, Sally. I'm right behind you. You better be. Quickly tell them who I am. Ladies, I bring you Don Torrance, the author of Bitter Tears. He's all yours, mother. Hello, Mrs. Updike. What, you? Good afternoon, ladies. I'm so sorry. But I'm afraid I don't understand. There, there. I'll get right into my lecture, Mrs. Updike. After all, I am unpardonably late. You said it. Mother! Such language! I was never so glad to get home in my life. My chauffeur walking right into the club meeting and impersonating Don Torrance. I won't permit him to accept all those invitations for my friends. Mother, will you please calm down and listen? He is Don Torrance. He did write Bitter Tears. He's my chauffeur, and I invited my friends to a dinner party for my chauffeur. Are we going to convince her? Well, I'll have a talk with her later. Let her go to her room and rest. Maybe she'd rather have a good chauffeur than an author around. Why can't she have both? Why not? I'm in love with the job. Is it the job, Don? The job and, of course, my, my employers. Employers? You sort of like to narrow things down, don't you? What do you think? I'll show you what I think. You and I are going to have to do a lot of thinking. Right now I could write a book about this sort of thinking. And I could help. But there's one thing you're going to have to do. I know. I'm going to have to persuade you to change your name. That's good son thinking. But you're going to have to change yours first. You set it. We'll, we'll do it together. This is C.P. McGregor speaking. I hope you've enjoyed our proudly we hailed story starring Alan Jocelyn. Before leaving you, Don Forbes has an important message for all of us. The atomic bomb has proved that atomic power can be used in small quantities to do large amounts of work. This new power is a development of the United States Army. Although first employed for a military purpose, this new form of energy has unlimited possibilities for civilian use. Skilled men are needed to handle the new apparatus and equipment of this age. The regular army is composed of such men. They are educated to a special mechanical trader job for their part in the Army's program. Atomic energy is but one phase of this program of scientific experimentation. Others are supersonics, the complex problems of speeds faster than that of sound. Radar, the location of material objects through the reflection of radio waves. Jet propulsion, medicine, engineering, communication, photography. These are some of the fields in which army technicians are making scientific advances. Over a six-week period concluded by the AAF conference June 3rd through 5th, Air Force technicians set 20 new world records in aviation. This is a result of army research and development in the field. Besides providing for national defense, our army has an important part in further scientific progress. A soldier is more than just a man in uniform. He is specially trained and educated in one or more fields of knowledge. He is an expert in his line and a part of an organization engaged in scientific work. In peace as in war, the army serves mankind. There are few careers of such a beneficial nature open to intelligent young men between 17 and 34. You are urged to go to your nearest army recruiting station now and find out about the unusual opportunities in a regular army career. Thank you, Alan Jocelyn, for your wonderful performance on our program. Proudly, we hail will come to you again over this station next week. Listen in.