 It is the 29th of July 2021 as always. It is a pleasure being with you each and every Thursday. This is Power Talk. My name is Ram Magukko. Welcome. This is Y254. We are coming to you live from the broadcasting house here in Nairobi, Kenya. We are also live on our website at www.kbc.co.ke4 slash Y254. Ensure that you engage with us on our social media platforms. Remember, this conversation today is all about you and your relationships. The conversation is about how to communicate with your partner. And this is what normally ails most people, communication. How do you communicate with your partner during conflict? How is communication at the beginning of the relationships? It is at that time that people take long hours over the phone. They call each other, they text each other, the good morning messages are so much. But at some point the good morning messages reduce and sometimes they don't even get sent to you. What is the problem? How do you communicate with your partner during conflict? How do you communicate with your partner when you want to make decisions pertaining you and your life? What about family? What about relationships? What about relatives? How best can relatives affect your communication with your partner? How is it that you should handle this in the best way you afford? Well, this conversation is about you and your relationship, especially with that person that you claim to be your one and only, your rib. How do you communicate with them? Well, 12% in this conversation, I'm joined next to me by Magdalene Milimu. She is an actress and a filmmaker. Karbisa na Magdalene? Anisa Magdalene? Sorry, I have friends who are called Magdalene. No, it's okay. It's allowed. Karibu sana. Thank you for wanting time. Thank you. To my extreme left, I am joined by none other than Edwin Tiago. He is a pastor and a motivational speaker. Karibu sana Edwin. Asanti. Nadjo been away since 21. Ishua. Yes, he was 20 years ago. Ha ha ha. Ijapitam niya kwa mingi. Ifa pita, but Karibu sana. Thanks for wanting time. Asanti sana. The hashtag as always is a power talk show on Twitter. The hashtag is brought to you on Twitter at Ram Aguco and at Y254 channel, engage with us. Head over to Facebook, we have also posted a question on our Facebook platform, head over there Y254, drop in your comment at the comment section below and we shall be able to sample your feedback as you continue with this conversation. Now, we also went on the streets, we asked our viewers to send in videos of themselves to tell us what they think about this conversation and they did that so we shall be able to sample a few of those videos later on so ensure that you participate in this conversation, how to communicate with your partner, what are the do's and the don'ts. Let's say I am considering one and I am not an ego. See you later, ladies and gentlemen. But let me say this. In communication, they say communication is the best tool and that is what builds relationships and communication is what normally affects many relationships. You guys know very well that some of the reasons why many relationships are not broken, many people got into divorces because of lack of communication. How best should you look into it so that you communicate well with your partner, just in general as you start? Mainly I would like to say that communication is everything in a relationship. Everything begins with communication and it ends with communication. In most of the cases we have been told it is not what you say, it is how you say it. I believe many of us have encountered that statement in one way or another. Many a times there is the intended meaning and the implied meaning. Are you implying or have you intended? So in communication, when you want to speak, when you want to send a message, when you want to pass a signal, no, it is not what you say. It is how you say it? It is how you say it. And is this why and let me come to you Magdalene, because this is where I will pin some ladies here. They don't see what they feel. You ask what's wrong, are you okay? I'm fine. Are you sure you're okay? But you see the face, the facial expression tells you that things are not well. But ladies say no to me yes, they say yes to me no. How best should we understand, help me understand this? First of all when we're talking about communication, there's the verbal communication and then there's the nonverbal communication that you should understand that even when I don't say it, you will see how I'm behaving and you'll know whether there's a problem here. Men don't know. You should because now we're talking about a romantic relationship. You love me, I love you. Especially when it comes to marriage for instance, you've been with me for a while. You know how I react towards some things. There's some type of way I'll behave and you'll know this woman is hungry, she needs food. This woman, there's something wrong I've done. And that is what we men mostly expect from men. I know it's not the best attribute of a woman. Like we would want people to know what we're thinking like you're telepathic or something. Definitely. But yes, there's the nonverbal communication that people do not take much interest in. There's how you tell me things and how you show me things but then there's how I behave in silence. I mean when there's love, there has to be this connection. But this is the problem here because the guy just doesn't know. In fact you're going through your day and you expect things to be okay, you find a very quiet woman. She's so quiet, she's not talking to you. You say, what's wrong? Nothing. Are you okay? Yes. But you can clearly see through the nonverbal communication that she's not okay but she's not saying it. Yes. Is that a cause of problems? I think that is like the flip side of women as far as communication is concerned. The fact that we are the advocates of communication but yet we do not execute it as much as it should be. I think that's something that we should improve but sometimes how would you explain? This is a 30-year-old man. He knows he's supposed to do this, do that. He's missing out on those responsibilities and he expects to come home and find me smiling and being okay with everything. I know I understand that I am supposed to talk things out. I'm supposed to say, you know babe you didn't do this and I didn't like it. But then sometimes usually it's like you know what is expected of you. Why don't you do what is expected of you? There will be less of me being mad and angry. I believe in any relationship assumption is the greatest undoing. Do not assume that someone knows. Do not assume that they should think in themselves that it could have been like this. Expression is the best way. I've always said when you are angry let people know you are angry. When you are happy let people know you are happy. And life becomes very simple because when you assume if it is a man he keeps on doing the same things. He keeps on... But then you should understand it's easier for men to be very clear because mostly the way we behave as human beings it's mostly how the hormones that run inside of us I think the men only have one hormone just to stare on. It's really figured out. We have so many hormones they are fighting for space they are fighting for attention it's really hard to be a woman. It's not easy to figure out what a woman wants. You are saying it's hard to be a woman. I'm not making excuses but then it's not easy. It's not easy to communicate. No but the point is there's so many hormones taking there's so much going on in a woman's body that sometimes just it's a little complicated how women and I think that's what makes them beautiful the fact that it's not easy to figure them out for a man it's easy a man you have to figure just to stare on that's just his ego and once you find a way to walk around the ego and everything massage it or bruise it it's figured out for men it's not the same for men. And I like our viewers from home tell us what you think about it is it easy to communicate with women and for the women is it easy to communicate with the man do you find it easy to communicate with the man? I think it's easy but we coming from them the problem with men is them opening up but it is easy to get to them them opening up is the problem like sometimes a man can have something that's his heart there's something that's not going on right in his life and he wouldn't like come out because you know ego because yes we cannot talk about a man without talking about ego but communicating with a man it is easy because when I massage his ego then the man brings out the best of himself when I bruise it you get the worst of him exactly tell us what you think about it that's like his part of show at Ram Aguko and at Y254 channel that's on Twitter quite over to Facebook and give us your thoughts is it easy to communicate with your other with the opposite partner with the opposite sex with the woman, with the man how do you find it communicate with them enjoy that you participate with us on those particular social media platforms and we shall be able to sample your feedback is what is the problem with the women that they just don't know what to say when to say it or how to say it what is the problem with the men that they keep quiet even though they are hurting when I say ma kwa man ome Tango let me come to you on that why can't men just say what hurts them it is difficult because many a times men would want to be a solution they would not want to be a problem they would want to be a solution and that is why you'll find that they would not easily express what they are going through especially if it is something that can bring down their ego just as Mageline has said he will not speak about it he will not communicate about it and if he is to communicate he will do it some time later when he feels that there is a solution coming there is something there is a green light they will be quick to communicate about it but mostly they'll keep to themselves they'll just be silent isn't that a problem isn't that a recipe of problems where you keep quiet you don't say what ails you yes you want to be a solution you want to be the person who offers the solution but doesn't that in itself become a problem I think the way people communicate as adults is mostly based on how they were raised you know as a child if you were born in a family where as a boy if anything happened you were told you are a man, men don't cry men don't do this then it's really hard for that man as an adult to express emotions as should be but if you are raised in a home of being raised in a home of love and a home of survival it's a little different when you grow up as an adult we are a product of nature the way we were raised that's what matters for both men and women if I was raised in an environment I was able to express myself if things didn't go my way or things didn't go as expected I would be able to sit someone down and tell them there's a way you talked to me mam I didn't like it then I will grow up to be an effective communicator so it trickles down to how we were raised and that's why mostly here in Africa we find men so difficult to understand and talk to because in Africa the way men are raised they are raised to be mini warriors when you are a little boy you are told you are a man men don't do this a man can't even express himself or talk things out because when he was born that's so deep seated unless we change how we raise our children then we will have the same cycle and the same conversations over and over I wish parents could join us in this conversation especially parents how do you raise your child to communicate well when they feel pain how should they communicate when they are happy when they are stressed or sad when they are excited or joyful how should they communicate that is it a parental problem and now it's having a ripple effect in our relationships and in marriages partly it is I say partly because there comes to a level in life where you have to take responsibility by yourself there are many things within us which we are yet to discover I believe even many many adults have not discovered themselves fully up to where we are so I will say it is partly parental but by reason it is foundational I believe it is something that can be corrected at a child's tender age as they are coming up just as Magda has said that as they are coming up they are told how they need to express themselves when you are offended how do you get to communicate you are offense because I believe that is where a problem comes in in most of the relationships not really excitement, achievement and what have you but when it comes to offence that is where there is a problem in communication when you are offended how do you communicate that offence how do you speak and let the other party know that you are offended but now you find an adult unasema kitu someone tells you kwa manoma you are being petty should we have such kind of sentiments in our relationships what appeals to you may not be appealing to me you understand what is weightier to you may not be weightier it is about understanding one the personality that someone has it is good to know someone's personality because to you what is petty might not be petty to me men tell women you are being petty they say you are nagging is it right? no no I am smiling actually it is not right I am expressing myself however pathetic I express myself everything that is important to me should be important to you we are one we are in this relationship so if it hurts me it should carry the same weight to you which sometimes does not that is actually the whole problem because I cannot blame this on temperaments I cannot blame this on personality this is just a man thing I don't know it's just generally the men are the problem I am not pointing fingers saying it's a problem probably that's how they were that's who they are that's what their DNA entails that's what it is being a man but most of the times men are able to brush off issues so easily for a woman everything is important everything to the last detail it is important sometimes we expect the same from you which most times doesn't happen the way we expect and that's where we have conflict because I would look at something and feel what you are doing ram over here it's not right but then you are like it's okay it's just this most of the issues that come in a relationship like how you squeeze toothpaste for instance it will matter to me I will be bothered but for a man it's just toothpaste but for a woman it's really hard to overlook there's a way you want things to be done exactly when I say manga the devil is in the details women love details and men mostly overlook details it takes a lot of maturity from the side of a woman to also learn that he's a man let me cut him some slack it takes a lot of maturity and it takes time for people to get to that place so who should understand in this scenario here you're saying it takes a lot of maturity for women to really understand the man but at the same time that man are just created you said it is there in the DNA so who is it that should pull up their socks who is it that should be flexible enough to understand the other both it will always be both effort should be two way the relationship is not for one person we are in this together we are working on this together you have to understand my weaknesses and compliment then I have to understand yours have you ever told a woman that she is nagi yes no man has no man has never said that no man has never said that but it depends on what we mean by nagi you understand priorities when you come to any relationships when you are studying your partner though it is not advisable because they say you can study and graduate get to know what are the likes of this person what are the dislikes then from that you can coin and come up with the best effective way to communicate to them for instance there are people who do not want to be given things in stages and they want to communicate at the same time but they want to know but give me time a woman will communicate to you detail by detail they want to communicate at a certain point and you feel as a man I should have been told everything at the same time definitely you will find that nagi you want them to be direct but they are not just go straight to the point straight to the point anata ka ndo uko ndo uko for instance you've done something you were not told immediately this was wrong I did not like when you did this you will be told after two weeks that you know you did ABC another time maybe you've forgotten I think I think that cuts across both sides I think if you are not an effective communicator you are not I like what he is saying about the fact that men want to be told everything at once I will give a very kawaiida example you send a guy five texts you know men generally will pick the one they feel like answering and answer that just one exactly that is just how men are because that's something that men do and it really takes women off that I told you everything I poured my heart out and then you picked the most effective thing the one that works for you and you ignored the rest yet to me everything that I said was important yet everything was valuable and you feel like you are not being heard exactly and also another thing about communication I can say in a relationship you have to talk like this you have to do this but then this is how I want to be loved it's not the same way person B will want to be loved so the same way another person will want to be loved I think it's important that you understand the one you are with understand their love languages how does this person want to be loved because you know when you love someone they will be aware you will talk that's why I usually say during the beginning of the relationship when everything is fire there's usually no problems about communication there's so much because a lot of love is involved and you're loving me right now let's talk about that aspect of communication in terms of phone communication phone calls, texts at the beginning at the initial stages of a relationship it's all fiery Romeo and Juliet a lot of end of things happening I promise you some names Cupid arrows songs that are dedicated you listen to those R&B and those reggae songs and then you're like wow I am in love, I am in needs back then we used to call them the dicks I don't know how it's how they normally say it now but you talk over the phone for hours and hours you chat storewona you chat you chat from morning till evening but at some point the charts reduce the good morning messages and the longer sent tomorrow I will say they have 500 texts but it's not enough it's not enough but at some point you still have those 500 texts you don't call you don't text could there be a reason as to why relationships are fiery at the beginning in terms of communication but as they proceed or progress over time that communication level reduces Ram relationship is a journey when I say relationship is a journey just relate there was a time you were in the rural areas and you were told now you are coming to the city that evening our things compared as to now when you become a commoner in the city and it doesn't matter to you anymore you are not anxious and Robi has done you things it has caught you someone once said that you cannot continue campaigning after winning an election after winning an election but what we need to do it is to know what's past that spirit in you you can continuously communicate without being bored what is it they say familiarity brings what it brings contempt so at the beginning of the relationship there is something that you are yearning for and now you have gotten it though it is not good to have that attitude that now because I have this person together with me I have what I want it stops there you need to know how to spy it each and every moment because I began by saying that communication is the backbone of any relationship if there is no communication be aware there is no relationship I think it's also important for us to understand that just because we are having so many words being spoken it's not necessarily the case I might say so many things but I haven't told you how my day was I haven't told you the highlight of my day I haven't told you what I want to do tomorrow we've just been speaking and we've just been saying a lot of nonsense you know and I think there's just talking and then there's effective you know it's purposeful what I'm telling you there's a lot of meaning to it it is intentional exactly that's the word in the beginning of a relationship there's a lot of there's a lot of excitement like he said Nand Nand and Nairobi so there's a lot of excitement you've just met this person that equals your fancy this person is amazing in every possible way you've not yet begun to realize the flip side of this person you're only seeing the good side because we are both trying to make sure that the other person is excited and interested and impressed but then in the multitude of words there's a lot of nonsense that's spoken there's a 500 messages there's a lot of nonsense a lot of promises oh our first born will be called this oh we will have 17 children oh we will do this yes people I like this name so there's a lot of nonsense that happens which is good but it is a stage in a relationship but then relationships come with stages there's the place where we just met and we're in the talking stage and then there's the place that we are committed maybe he asks you to marry to marry him but there are different things we will talk about in that level now when we get to that place our conversations which won't be mostly oh you know our kids will be called this no you know when am I coming to see you people that is communication when you come this is what you're supposed to do when am I bringing dowry when am I seeing your father in our culture this is what happens and then from that the relationship progresses to marriage when we come to marriage now we won't have time to talk about to talk the whole day because now you're coming home in the evening to see me but at least during the day have you spoken to me have you told me that the day is good so far have you told me when you're coming back please come with this have you spoken during the day because now you've married me you no longer feel the need to send a text to tell me have a lovely lunch enjoy your lunch enjoy your day I think the communication changes gradually as the relationship progresses but you see that is where where things get tough here you get so used to each other and then you no longer feel like saying good morning and that's one question that I like to ask the men outside there is it important to send that morning text is it important to send that text in the middle of the day just to say baby I love you is it important to ask how was your day what have you taken for lunch even though you're going to see each other in the evening til it is important it informs you that this is not just anybody else this is somebody who is in your life in marriage when people get married they say for better for us you understand though there are many who would want to omit that part or for us this is someone who is in your life so every bit and every detail of your life matters to them just before they came in to settle permanently yeah they need to feel that you still matter to them outside there they know you meet people but they want to they would want you to know or you would want them to know that they remain to be a priority and the most important part of your life so definitely it is important to send that text which is important for you to affirm to them she has spoken about the love languages to affirm to them that you are what is ringing in thank you let me ask Magdalene here if they don't send a money text is it bad well there's a way women love being loved when we go back to the love languages when you ask any woman what her love languages is she will definitely mention words of affirmation we love attention I love being reminded that you still value me but a man feels like you are already engaged you are already in a serious relationship with him he doesn't feel obliged to send that morning text he just feels like texting you when he is done maybe during the lunch hours that's when he will want to call you that's how a man is yeah it's bad why are you saying that's how a man is that's not how a man is supposed to be I mean there's no excuse for this show your woman that she is a priority to you show her over and over and over again you see when a woman is loved right this issues about nagging and everything you won't see them because it already affirms that whenever you are just send a text during the day to remind me wherever you are you are thinking about me it goes both ways we are talking about some foundation that needs to be laid should there be that agreement that this is how we should be talking this is how frequent it will be regardless of the different work plans it is important Ram that anytime you are getting into a communication into a relationship let the dynamics of communication be set clear I have gotten complaints from people many times one party is complaining that the other party is not communicating personally I also had that problem that I am in a relationship and I find it difficult to communicate probably via text when someone has sent me a text you are a victim I am not good in texting I am not very very good in texting I would rather make a phone call than text it is important for my partner to understand that but in this scenario your partner says you have to change for me I need to change you that is how you used to be but now you are dating me and that woman needs you to change the question is as a man why can't you change for her that is why I have said you agree on the dynamics of communication I think relationships are based on compromise I can't come and say it's either black or white for me no shades of gray there is no way you have to text me no I think it's really important let's head over to Facebook and see what people are saying online the Facebook platform is Y254 and show that you send us your comments as we continue with this conversation the hashtag is this is this is what if you are the type of girl who was born among boys so you tend to be a tomboy and he is the opposite I understand communication is everything but at times I try explaining to him something he is not understanding I prefer silence I take my time then later I want you to answer that question Magalene about Kali Bisi what if you are the type of girl who was born among boys so you tend to be a tomboy and he is the opposite it is important that you you know yourself self realization is important by the fact you are born among boys you are born among girls it does not determine whom you become when you have realized yourself you can cut your niche and the way you are supposed to communicate not the factor which is which is which is decided by where you are born or who are among whom are you born but I think it is very important to also consider the environment in which this person was raised because there is a difference between dating for example a mamas boy and a boy who was just raised with a mam but he wasn't necessarily a mamas boy the way you communicate with the mamas boy is very different with the way you are going to communicate to this other person when you date a last born there is usually a problem that this person is used to being given this extra attention you don't shout at me I like things easy it's not the same as dating a first born regardless of how much we are responsible for how we behave as adults it affects how we behave as adults we cannot overlook that conversation now there are some things I want us to touch on here as you are talking about communication things not to say things to avoid doing as you try to communicate let's talk about conflict how best should you communicate with your partner during conflict there is some couples normally end up saying let's give each other a break is that a solution and I saw this online where someone was saying that aspect of saying let's take a break is a scam big scam it's a rap it's a rap let me go because you picked this person because you like this person other people are also capable of liking this person you know so why are you giving the devil an opportunity to dine with you why are you telling him you go and sleep wake up tomorrow continue this conversation when you're fresh which break if we are in a relationship together we are in this together if you get tired take glucose go and sleep take a power nap come back let's continue having this conversation in conflict what should you just avoid doing how should you communicate with your partner I think it's very important for us to understand we cannot be ostrich we cannot take the ostrich tendency of handling conflict yes hiding under the sand we cannot also be a kettle that waits until you've reached me to the brim now this is the time I'm supposed to explode handle issues as they come I think that is one thing we really need to understand and that is why most relationships get to that place where you've been doing this to me over and over and the person doesn't even know they didn't even have a clue that they were hurting you when they did that thing because you've been having so much pent up emotions and mostly this is a thing with men I will do something and then you will ignore it or probably you will be like I don't want issues I just want to sleep but the more I keep on doing the same thing the more I bruise your ego the more I hurt you by the time you're exploding out it's too much and the way you're exploding it would end up being something like abuse in some cases it could be abuse it could bottle up and explode but it goes to something like divorce and you see that is something I don't know Timo if you still have that feedback by Sinta Waidera the one that I just looked up where she said that I understand communication is everything but at times I try and this is where it is I try explaining something to him he is not understanding I prefer silence you see I prefer silence I take my time then later we talk about it is that hazardous it depends with the kind of person we have always been told not to react when we are hungry and when we are so much excited there are two extremes of the emotions and any relationship that is based on feeling this is what I have always said any relationship that is based on feeling it trades on a dangerous ground it is love of feeling it is more than a feeling love is more than a feeling you understand they say if you fall into you will also fall out out of but if you grow in it then definitely there is something which will come out of it so in any given relationship you need to understand the other partner well when they are hungry how do they react when they are calm when they are excited how do they react because any time offenses come I am a pastor I get offended even though you are a pastor you will be offended your mother will offend you your brother will offend you your husband your wife so offense is something which is there at one point you will be offended but how do you get to communicate so offense if you feel that when you attack that matter when you are still angry you will cause more harm than good then you take that decision of being calm then later on you can address it and if you are just a genuine person if you love someone genuinely that anger will not last for a very very long time it will not go for a week for two weeks one month what if it does you guys get into a very bad fight that things that you keep on arguing every now and again every now and again is just argument after argument after argument and no one wants to talk about it it's just fights, shouting and at some point even want to say I need a divorce, I want a break when it gets to that point then you need to find help you need to bring in a party that can mitigate between you two people because in a relationship you find there is somebody who is hyper than another there is somebody who communicates more than another but now if you find yourself in a situation where both of you muki zungumza kilam tu akoju that one now you need to find help you need to get assistance from somebody who can tame one of you or who can tame the both of you to calm down so that you can listen to each other because each silence the best when your partner is mad I would really agree with Pasta Tego the way I handle anger if I have made you angry if I am the reason why you are mad then I should let you calm I shouldn't come and aggravate the anger I shouldn't come and start justifying my actions that's why I said we need to consider how mature you are before you get into a relationship in fights everyone always feels like they are right it's true but then it is maturity also to acknowledge that what I did was wrong and it is important for you to calm down and then give that person if they need space give them a little space then come back and apologize how I also express myself in a conflict and make things worse or I can decide to calm down and calmly talk about issues you've been in fights before and there are those fights that you felt you were right tell me about that you felt like you were right and this is not easy how do you say that you want to communicate with your partner in an argument where you feel you were right and they are wrong and you can't meet in the middle you see that's why there's something that we usually miss when a relationship is progressing and we usually miss the fact that we need an accountability partner a third party like he's mentioned normally we usually say it's between the two of us the rest of the world doesn't matter that's against the world which in most cases is not right we will fight that's how our relationship is I come with my own temperament you come with yours and there's a place we will cross that is how we need now an accountability person a mentor from either one of you someone that you can trust someone that is wise preferably someone that is married over the years has seen it all someone not married longer than you have been exactly and that is a thing that we usually miss when we are getting into relationships we are like it's just us and it is at that point that people get into even more trouble because that accountability partner one of you feels as though no that guy will just side you he will just be on your side or that accountability partner is the one who will take your issues to other people he should be someone you trust one she said he should be someone you trust then it should not be someone who takes sides at times when you go to handle circumstances you need to be very partial even if I'm very close to you Ram and I'm handling an issue between you and your partner I might even to save the situation I'd rather side more with your partner first of all to win her trust by the time you are coming to levelize things we are okay we can speak them openly we can handle them the way they are I want to take a short break and after that we will pick more on yet another aspect of communication but is it possible that food can improve communication after this break can food improve your communication one day I make a sticker that man is pissed off what if he cook his favorite meal ashibe kwanza can not help improve communication that should break we will be back in a bit this is power talk why 254 imagine thank you very much for keeping it why in the morning this is power talk this is power talk sorry I am used to why in the morning this is power talk remember we are live on our website at www.kbc.co.ke4 slash why 254 and sure that you engage with us even on our facebook platform why 254 is where you can find us we have a comment section below we have made many posts there and sure that you go ahead over there on the post and leave your comment let me just sample a few this is Eric Sheru and Asama is watching from Muranga Shoei Kupua Sana Rigan Olo manual that gives clear cut ways of how to communicate the bottom line is to the bottom line to effective communication is first understanding one another on personal likes dislikes, moods feelings and preferences that is Rigan do we have more so we shall sample more of your feedback let me just read there is something I am coming to you Tiago on the issue of conflict and there is this is a little on me I was saying it be first silence I want to give you time to respond to that particular issue on conflict before we move on when it comes to conflict it depends on what has brought about the conflict is it a criticism is it a mistake that has been made that will determine on how you are going to approach the matter on the issue and it comes upon to when there is something that Madeline mentioned that someone feels they are right or both people in a relationship feel they are right in time of conflict you might be right but you being right does not solve the problem you are having in the relationship it is always good to give a leeway and to know how is it that I can you can win an argument and lose a friend most people normally do they want to win the argument in fact some even say but the fact that I am wrong does not mean you are right do you even say that yes because they are different perspective Madeline say there is my perspective there is your perspective and there is someone else who can see a different perspective depending on where you are standing that is where we spoke about bringing in a third party that will be non-partisan and pick out on the detail that makes the conflict to arise or even to be more there is a kandiba I do not know if kandiba na sama what if I am the only one who communicates does it mean I am paranoid there is the way I love things happening maybe there is a way I love things happening I think that now is a conversation in love languages there is a way I love things happening there is a way I love being I love things happening on my end there is the words of affirmation there is gifting there is spending quality time there is what else there is touch there is five love languages and there is a way I like things being done if you bring me a gift and all I wanted was to spend quality time then you are loving me but you are not loving me the way I want to be loved now kandiba is asking let me just use the word kandi kandi is asking does it mean she is paranoid because she is the one who communicates initially had mentioned that communication is two way effort it cannot be an individual effort you have to bring in effort I have to bring in my egame not withstanding it shouldn't be a competition it shouldn't be who communicates more than the other communication must happen not withstanding that's where we get it wrong because now I feel like when I don't talk he won't even talk but then the guy is like she is always talking so I let her do the talking which I think is very wrong as far as communication and relationships are concerned I think that's a very wrong way there's a comment here by Zadok and he says communication is key but the other gender females thinks it's only the man's responsibility to take the wheel then when you go silent they came up again claiming when you are not talking to them and eventually talking to someone else I prefer silence then once I'm cool we can settle things still the issue of communication and I say ok na maza and I don't mind but how long have you been silent for I mean it makes sense if you've been silent for three hours I would understand that but you're silent for 48 hours why are you silent for 48 hours like get over it let's go past this is it ok as a woman that sometimes will take the wheel yes but then there's the issue of submission it's a whole bowl of communication can you allow the woman to take the wheel I can if it will be for the good of the relationship why not in communication we have the who, the how the when, the what, the why if you understand all those factors then your communication will be very very effective there is something if you answer to it immediately when you are asked you will spoil instead of you mending you will be spoiling you understand wisdom is knowing what to say when to say and where to say and how to say it that is wisdom because there are things you are not to answer for instance I I was speaking in a men's conference and I was telling them when a woman tells you you are foolish you don't reply you don't talk back and say you are also foolish no if you have 2,000 shillings ram or 3,000 go to a supermarket do shopping come and put it there on the table and let her look at your foolishness as that you don't respond back when a woman tells a man you are foolish nya maza nya maza don't reply how she will behave your brother has talked about the other gender you need to understand the dynamics of the other gender of communication don't answer back there are things you don't just answer back so when she insults you by her chocolates but why are you insulting them in the first place I think that's where the problem is why am I getting a through pass yaku kutusi do later shopping I know I am a woman and I shouldn't be like whatever you are saying is right but is there a way I can say you are foolish without saying you are foolish is there a nicer way it doesn't necessarily have to be I don't have to bruise your ego to prove a point I don't have to compare you with another man to prove a point let's talk of this food I mentioned that earlier can food solve a problem it's even in the bible it's even biblical food has solved so many problems in the bible it has caused even many problems they still have faced food cause problems there depends even prophet Elijah when he was angry and he was like king Ahab wants to kill me so I no longer want to be a prophet god he brought a bad with food and when he ate he was okay because we are humans at the end of the day sometimes especially when you know you are on the wrong side and this person is quite angry or maybe I want things to be done my way and I want to draw you to my side you know as a woman that is where we bring in our influence as women which we do have it's our femininity it's in us if you can be able to come home and I want you to do something that I know if I just mention it you will say no and you will be very adamant it won't be manipulation per se but it will be a wiser way of handling the issue you come home I prepare you your favorite meal ask you how your day was treat you slightly better than I usually do on a daily basis and then when you when you are okay kabisa when you are relaxed and you feel so good and then I can bring the issue it will be hard for the guy to say no people will term it as manipulation but I think it is wisdom would you suggest to the women women outside there that when you are in a fight sometimes just cooking some food especially when you know you are wrong because most of the times we usually know what we have done is wrong women normally know we react basically out of a lot of emotion but then when you sit down later and you are like why did I say that he had a point actually but then now the problem is accepting that what I did was wrong and then telling you by what you said you are right I am starting to find reason with you that is the hardest part that is where now these other things come in handy cooking make him feel good at least so that is for women for men what should you do to improve communication especially during conflict during conflict to improve communication is you begin by first of all conflict and ask yourself what did I contribute to this conflict how did I add fuel to the fire even if you feel like you are right even if you feel like you are right there is something you contributed because a conflict does not just spur up it is a combination of moments circumstances situations conflict comes up so ask yourself what did I contribute to this conflict earlier on you said that as a man when she insults you keep quiet there are other things that men should apply in their relationships to help it is just a matter of understanding your partner well because there is something you can say it becomes more offensive you thought it would be corrective but it becomes more more offensive don't comment at that time when she cooks for you you keep quiet when she cooks you know she is doing her part you know she is doing her part kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kyuku kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa ay de tini kwa kwa kwa kim영atu kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kitubi gayi Wila, pan те a Click Pastiswi hiapse kuna boichald ana teseka I think there's a difference We should learn to know the difference Right here, this is a normal argument And the relationship is okay And then this is a toxic relationship I think we need to understand the difference There's a line you'll cross And it'll stop being a kawada relationship How do we handle conflicts and everything And things like that How often do we have conflict It's one thing telling me you're sorry And it's another correcting yourself And not doing the same thing again If you keep on doing the same thing over and over It becomes toxic We can't be talking about the same thing over and over Now, let's give yet more examples In communication At the end of the day you are two individuals You have your own desires You have your own plans You have your own goals And so does your partner You are just two separate individuals Coming from two different families Now, these two individuals As a person You want to make a decision that concerns your life How best should you communicate with your partner In that decision concerning your life Are you allowed to make your choices The way you want Or should you tell your partner Every decision you're making Is there a line here That separates your life with your partner Or are all decisions made Meant to be made together It depends on the stage of the relationship Exactly If you are For instance dating You are courting Or you are married It will depend on what stage the relationship is in Maybe you can touch on which stage What applies to what stage When you are married Everything you are to do Your partner has to know They have to know Because even in church when we celebrate Marriages Or when we join marriages They say that you are no longer two You have become one That one will be very very wrong It will not make the relationship to be healthy To the details To the niti grittis I believe my wife is watching at home She always has a problem with me That there is a visitor coming home And in one way or another I forgot to send a signal That today we'll be having a visitor I'm sorry mama wa toto Anytime I've done that I'm sorry Nani ametuma paivi Samo full ametuma kometa You remember Samo A great friend of mine Samo nasimati communication becomes easy When you share common interests Learn each other's interests And have an idea In that same area Agreed I think how we start relationships That's where the problem begins Because I'm probably looking for someone That's taller than me Older than me Maybe has a beard And that is not what I should be looking for Because what kind of relationship do I want? Long term If it's long term What is the role of a woman When she's married to a man She's a helper What am I coming to help? I need to understand what your purpose in life is So that I'm not caught up with I'm surprised You're telling me you want to be this I had no idea you wanted to be a pastor What do you mean you're quitting your job to be a pastor? You know things like that For instance I didn't know you wanted to quit your job To be a business person You didn't tell me about this These are conversations that you should have At the beginning of the relationship And now you are in a relationship And you want to make a decision for yourself For you Maybe for some man And I'm sure you want to know A man wants to take a vasectomy You make that decision on your own A man wants to buy some piece of land somewhere You make that decision on your own Maybe you want to go And sell a particular plot Or get a title deed somewhere Or you want to take a particular loan And you make that decision on your own You must consult Here consultation becomes key Because now you are on your own years But now the life you are living Does not concern you alone It affects other people Even if it means That it will not touch On the rest directly In one way or another you must consult Because anytime you make that decision Later on We have had, you've mentioned alone We've had people failing to pay loans Auctioneers coming to auction Everything that you are having You did not know your partner had a loan You did not know your partner had a loan So it is very much important to consult At any level I've said there are different levels There are those who are courting There are those who are dating There are those who are married You understand When you are still dating You can make your own decisions Because you are not married But depending on where the relationship is going At some point you begin to know What happened in someone's life When they begin to consult you On the decisions they are about to make For instance You are planning to get married And someone is travelling abroad For quite some time A very long time Let's say they have had a 5-year contract A 6-year contract A 7-year contract Yet you wanted to move On with life Yes So definitely You have to consult It does not consult Concern you alone It concerns both of you And you see He wants to be a pastor He wants to leave that business To become a pastor My relationship with God is My relationship with God Which is not right It's very important There are things that we normally overlook I'm talking about long term relationships Not these little things That people have Yeah Very serious relationship Yes It is for serious relationship With the intention of marriage If I'm getting into a relationship With the intention of marriage I need to understand his purpose I need to understand Will I be able to When I'm getting into a relationship With this guy I need to understand his 5-year plan His 10-year plan What do you want in life And then I can be able to sit On my When I'm alone I think I can be able to be a helper In that area I think I can be able to handle this If you can't go Another person will be a helper Let's say your partner You just To give an example You are the way you are But now your partner Decides that today I'm going to church And I'm getting born again And you know It's happening in church In that moment And they get born again Or they leave the house And then wherever they are They get converted to a particular religion Let's say they become a Christian No, they become an Islam So when they come back in the evening They give you that information I think it also depends With the stage of the relationship If we are dating Then I can be able to decide If that is what I want for myself Is this the life I want to live I'm thinking about the children We will have together If I am a staunch Christian A believer I go to church every Sunday And you go out there And you decide to convert to Islamic And then I'm going to You know I'm going to think about the long term Do you also want to convert? If not, then I can go But if it is marriage It's different altogether It's handled differently I think biblically If you are both married as sinners And one person gives their life to Christ It is okay It is allowed But if in a relationship We are just dating And then I go I give my life to Christ And you are yet a sinner The Bible is very clear About being unequally yoked It's a different thing altogether Yes Tiago Someone decides to Make a decision During the day Your office is watching here But sayizi Your pastor To talk to someone You meet someone Someone who wants to convert To convert Maybe Judaism Islamism Hinduism And then you can get converted You go home A different person The way you came in Definitely there is something It will affect In your relationship In life there are small decisions And there are major decisions Which you can make As an individual The matter of religion Is not a small decision The matter of faith Is not a small decision It is something That you can just Wake up in the morning And you make a decision Including joining a church Yeah Yeah When you're married You cannot just wake up one morning And you come and tell your husband Your wife I've decided to do what To change church She has mentioned And she has said The Bible says categorically Do not be equally yoked With unbelievers I would like to expound on that a bit When you are dating And both of you Are having your own separate lives Yeah And it happens that one gets converted You are not married You can even leave the girlfriend With an unbeliever And find a one who is a believer If you're married You cannot If you're already married You cannot do that You see Because it is a major decision But before marriage There is that flexibility You have that freedom You can make that decision But to leave them Or not to When you are married It is not a decision That you can just wake up in me There is a I'm hearing someone Has a question Online Ebu Timo In letter to Yone Okay This is Ka Artele And she says My partner is telling me That she is pregnant for me But I have a strong feeling The pregnancy is not mine What should I do Or even though this is Not in regards to communication Someone has asked for help And they are right on top We are willing to help you In your relationships Tego Yes Jibiswali Why is he in a relationship That she is unsure About because Anasema the girlfriend is pregnant You can just read the question again Timo bring it up again Anasema Yivi Please help me My partner is telling me That she is pregnant for me This is a man She is pregnant for me But I have a strong feeling The pregnancy is not mine It means he is in a relationship Which he is not sure Because if she is pregnant For him There are many ways to establish Whether he is responsible For that pregnancy One time is a reveal Yeah Time is a reveal It will reveal He knows the time They were together And all that The other ways to wait for the baby To be born They go for a DNA test But the greatest undoing for him It is to be in a relationship That he is not sure Whether that lady Is for him And for him alone So should he continue With that relationship And sit through till birth They should talk and agree on some things What makes him feel that That pregnancy is not his He is not responsible for the pregnancy Magda I think men take advantage of that Things so much This is not even a conversation That we should be having You had unprotected sex What did you expect? Help brother No, what did you expect? When I start feeling like You decide Deny And that denying thing Is a man thing We are usually called Daughters of Jezebel I am telling you this other men There are sons of Sons of Pharao Yes Sons of Pharao They deny Pharao let my people go No, I did not do this That is a thing that men do And we are looking at this From his perspective The girl has given reason for not being trusted But then it might also be a strategy From the guy to avoid responsibility But what if he has good reasons? If he has good reasons I think technology has allowed For DNA test Even when the child is still in the womb So they can actually sit down And have an agreement If the girl is capable of handling The pregnancy on her own Then probably she can handle The pregnancy on her own Until they can prove that the child is his If not, the guy can take responsibility And then maybe they can agree That when we realize the child isn't mine Which I do not advocate for Then you will give me everything that I have spent But it's something that I do not advocate for So how do you tell your partner you're pregnant When it's not the right time And based on this conversation I don't think this guy is married to her Of course he said girlfriend not wife But if you're having That kind of level of intimacy Relationship If you're having intercourse Then you should also have the conversation On birth control If you do not want an expected pregnancy So it is all about how to communicate With your partner I want us to finish this conversation I'm giving you all 30 seconds To just wrap this all up Time is not on our side To make sure I'm muda So within 30 seconds How do you communicate with your partner To wrap this conversation in a very good knot For those who are watching you Okay you're watching from home obviously As I said when we began the show Communication is very essential In any relationship And when you are in a relationship Be intentional Intend, don't imply Don't assume Say what you mean And mean what you say That is all I can say Thank you Magdalene what's our take home for today After everything is said and done Understand the person that you're with How they want to be communicated to And do it effectively No. 2 Do not assume People know things Say it all Speak it all out Do not assume that the other party knows How you feel Or what you expect And everything Talk everything out Everything is important Do not bottle things in Wa wa wa Nani Timo kuna komendrapi mikuja We are asking for help I am a man But I don't feel in love with her anymore I want to help her Help her brother here That is what I said Love is not something you fall into And you fall out of Discover a purpose in someone's life As she said And grow in that purpose Because whatever you feel today Is not what you will be feeling tomorrow So love is more than a feeling It is not just a feeling It is more than a feeling M'iki maakura ya. M'iki maakura. M accashawe ya mawa kwa kutua si ukuwa mawa kamaiki... ...umihoma kwa hai mawa kwa havesi. Naka mifu, kwa mawa kifu ukuwa mawa kuwa... ...name kufa kini kamaiki... ... needsa kufa kwa mawa kuwa kwa kata... ...ikunaya kwa maraatera kwa mawa kutua... ...mamaiki kwa mawe kwa mawa... ...muta kwa myo kwa mifua... ...umigui kwa mwagua. Jayden, nina kwakuwe kwenya. Mugarragan, Kandi, Zadok, Jack, Wajthera, Olo Rigan. Thank you so much everyone for your participation in this conversation today. I was joined by or with Magdalene and Tiago, Edwin Tiago. And Magdalene, thank you so much for being part of this conversation. It was all about how to communicate with your partner. I hope you've learned something. I sure have. Ladies and gentlemen, Asante Nisana. That brings us to the end of this conversation today. Remember, tonight we have a repeat of this show. Powatok is coming again tonight as from 10 pm. A very big thank you. Thank you very much for being part of this show. On behalf of everyone who ensure this show was a success. May God bless you and may God bless the work of your hands. My name is Ram Magukko. This is Powatok.