 Section 1 of Dear Mabel This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Rob Conkel Dear Mabel, Love Letters of a Rookie by Edward Streeter Dear Mabel, I guess you thought I was dead. You'll never know how near you was to write. We got the tense up at last though, so I got a minute to write. I guess they chose these camps by mail order. The only place they're flat is on the map, where our tenses would make a good place for a Rocky Mountain goat if he didn't break his neck. The first day the captain came out and said, picture tense here. Then he went to look for someone else quick before anybody could ask him how. I wish I was a captain. I guess he thought we were Alpine chasers, and Mabel. But you probably don't know what those are. Honest, Mabel, if I'd put in the work I'd done last week on the Panama Canal, it would've been working long before it was. Of course, there was a lot of fellows there with me, but it seemed like all they did was stand around and hand me shovels when I wore them out. The captain appreciates me, though. The other day he watched me work a while, and then he says, Smith. He calls me Smith now. We've got very friendly since I've been nice to him. I noticed none of the other fellows had much to say to him. I kinda felt sorry for him. He's a human being, even if he is a captain, Mabel. So every time I saw him, I used to stop him and talk to him. Democratic. That's me all over, Mabel. Smith, he says. If they was all like you, round here, war would be hell. No joke. By which he meant that we would make it hot for the bosses. I've been feeling awful sorry for you, Mabel. What with missing me and your father's liver gone back on him? Again, things must've been awful lonesome for you. It isn't as if you was a girl what had a lot of fellows hanging around all the time. Not that you couldn't have them, Mabel. But you don't, and there's no use in making no bones about it. If it had it been for me, I guess things would've been pretty stupid, though. I don't begrudge you a cent. You know how I am with my money. I guess you ought to know anyway, Aunt Mabel. Never talk of money matters in connection with a woman. That's me all over. Now I got started and found a fountain pen at the YMCA. Given away paper like it does, I'm gonna write you regular. They said they are gonna charge three cents for a letter pretty soon. That ain't gonna stop me, though, Mabel. There ain't no power in heaven or earth, as the poets say. As can come between you and me, Mabel. You might send a few three-cent stamps when you write. That is, if your father's able to work yet. And willing, I should add. Of course it ain't nothing to me, but I'd keep these letters what you get from me as a record of the war. Someday you can read them to your grandchildren and say, Your grandfather Bill did all these things. Ain't I the worst, Mabel? Serious, though, I haven't found none so far what has thought of doing this except the newspapers. I guess I'll get a lot of inside stuff that they'll never see. So this may be the only one of its kind, but it doesn't matter to me what you do with them, Mabel. Later, I'll tell you all about everything, but I guess you won't understand much, because it's technical. Lots of fellows are getting knitted things and candy and stuff right along. Don't pay no attention to that, though, or take it for a hint, because it ain't. I just say it as a matter of record. Independent, if nothing. That's me all over. Yours till the war ends, Bill. Dear Mabel, having nothing to better to do, I take up my pen to write. We have been here now three weeks. As far as I'm concerned, I'm all ready to go. I told the captain that I was ready any time. He said yes, but that we'd have to wait for the slow ones, because they were all going together. I says, was I to go out to drill with the rest? He says yes, more for the example than anything else. It's kind of maddening to be hanging around here when I might be over there helping the Sammies put a stop to this thing. In the meantime, I've been doing some guard duty. Seems like I've been doing it every night, but I know what they're up against, and I don't say nothing. Guard duty is something like extemporaneous speaking. You got to know everything you're going to say before you start. It's very technical. For instance, you walk a post, but there ain't no post. And you mount guard, but you don't really mount nothing. And you turn out the guard, but you don't really turn them out. They come out themselves. Just the other night, I was walking along thinking of you, Mabel, and my feet, which was hurting. It made me awful lonesome. An officer come up and he says, why don't you draw your pistol when you hear someone coming? And I says, I don't wait till the sheep is stole. I drew it this afternoon from the supply sergeant. And I showed it to him, tucked inside my shirt, where none can get it away from me without some tussle. You bet, Mabel. But it seems that you got to keep on drawing it all the time. Then later I hear footsteps. I was expecting the relief, so I was right on the job. And a man come up and I poke my pistol right in his face. He says, halt. Who goes there? And he says, officer of the day. And being disappointed as who wouldn't be, I says, oh, hell, I thought it was the relief. And he objected to that. The relief, Mabel, but what's the use? You want to understand it. There's some mistake up north, Mabel, about the way we're built, Mabel. It's kind of depressing to think that you could forget about it so quick. Everyone's getting sweaters without sleeves and gloves without fingers. We still got everything we started with, Mabel. Why not socks without feet and pants without legs? If you're making these things for after the war, I think you're anticipating little. Besides, it's depressing for the fellows to be reminded all the time. It's like giving a fellow a life membership to the old soldier's home to cheer him up when he sails. I was saying the other day that if the fellows at Washington ever get onto this, they'll be issuing soulless shoes and shirtless sleeves. It's getting awful cold. No wonder this is a healthy place. All the germs is froze. I guess their idea of the hardening process is to freeze a fellow's stiff. The captain said the other day we were getting intensive training. That's all right, but I'd kind of like to see those steam-heated barracks. You've read about those fellows that go swimming in the ice and winter. I guess they like our shower baths. They say cleanliness is the legs to godliness, Mabel. I say it's next to impossible. I started this letter almost a week ago. I just found it in my baking can. They call it a baking can, but it's too small to bake nothing. I keep my soap in it. I got some news for you. The regiment is to be dismantled. The captain called me over this morning and asked me where I'd like to be transferred. I said home if it was the same to him, so they're going to send me to the artillery. This is very dangerous and useful limb of the service, Mabel. I don't know my address. Just write me care of the general. I got the red muffler that your mother sent me, giving my love just the same. Yours relentlessly. Bill. Dear Mabel, I haven't wrote for some time I had such sore feet lately. When they broke up our regiment and sent me over to the artillery, I thought I was going to quit using my feet. That was just another rumor. Thanks for the box of stuff you sent me. I guess the breakman must have used it for a chair all the way. It was pretty well bailed, but that don't matter. And thanks for the fudge, too. That was fudge, wasn't it, Mabel? And the socks. They don't fit, but I can use them for something. A good soldier never throws nothing away. And thank your mother for the half-pair of gloves you sent me. I put them away. Maybe sometime she'll get a chance to knit the other half. Or, if I ever get all my fingers shot off, they'll come in very handy. The artillery is a little different from the infantry. They make us work harder. At least there's more work on the schedule. I know now what they mean when they say the artillery is active on the western front. They got a drill over here called the standing gun drill. The name's misleading. I guess it was invented by a troop of Jap acrobatics. They make you get up and sit on the gun. Before you can get settled comfortable, they make you get down again. It looks like they didn't know just what they did want you to do. I don't like the sergeant. I don't like any sergeant, but this one particular. The first day out, he kept saying, Prepare to mount. And then, mount. Finally I went to him and told him that as far as I was concerned, he could cut that stuff, for I was always prepared to do what I was told even though it was the middle of the night. He said, fine, then I was probably prepared to scrub pans all day Sunday. I don't care much for horses. I think they feel the same way about me. Most of them are so big that the only thing they're good for is the view of the camp you get when you climb up. There are what they call horse decombats in French. My horse died the other day. I guess it wasn't much effort for him. If it had been, he wouldn't have done it. They got a book they called Drill Regulations Field and Light. That's about as sensible as it is all the way through. Frenches, they say that when the command fraction is given, one man jumps for the wheel, and another springs for the trail, and another leaps for the muzzle. I guess the fellow that wrote the regulations thought we was a bunch of grasshoppers. Well, I've got to quit now and write a bunch of other girls. Thanks again for the box, although it was busted that it wasn't much good, but that don't matter. Yours till you hear otherwise. Bill. Dear Mabel Dear Mabel, today's Thanksgiving. I'm thankful things ain't no worse than Max Glucos what lives on the next cot, says they couldn't be. Cherry and bright to the last. That's me all over, Mabel. Every man gets a ten ounces of turkey on Thanksgiving. I'll do himself, Mabel. The sergeant says the committee on hay and beans on Washington decides that. Mine's inside. I'm most a fool for expression, as the poets say. We had a great dinner, soup and turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce and pie and smashed potatoes. All in one plate. I wish you could have heard how the fellows enjoyed it, Mabel. I know now why they call the turkeys goblers. Thanksgiving is a holiday. All a fellow has to do on a holiday in the artillery is to feed the horses and give them a drink and smooth them out and take them for a walk and then feed them and smooth them out and feed them and give them a drink. It makes a fellow feel like giving back a dollar out of his pay at the end of the month. The horses has a softness of any one, Mabel. They don't even have to get up for breakfast in the morning. We bring it to them in a little bag filled with cereal. You tie this on their face. I guess they ain't never been fed before the war broke out. When they see you coming, they start jumping around like starving sailors. I don't guess they like cereal. I wouldn't either three times a day. I thought they'd give them something different Thanksgiving, but not a chance. They're always hoping it'll be something else, I guess. When they see the same old thing, they get sore and try to step on their feet. The sergeants stand way back and say, Go on in, they won't hurt ya. And then when they land on your corn, they say, That's too bad, you need to do it right. I don't like sergeants any better than horses. And I don't know, as I'm gonna like the captain much better either. The other day I got laughing while I was standing in line, just laughing to myself, not disturbing nobody. The captain turns around and says, Smith, are you laughing at me? I says no sir, and he says, Well, what else was there to laugh at? That's the kind of fellow he is. I didn't sass him back or nothing, Mabel. Just looked at him and made him feel cheap. I saw him again in the afternoon. Of course, I didn't salute. He says, What do you mean by not saluting? I told him, I thought he was mad. I'm glad I'm not his wife, Mabel. You never know how to take a fellow like that. If I hadn't known they needed me, I'd have given him two weeks notice on the spot. Duty before pleasure, though. That's me all over. We took the guns out to drill the other day, and the captain was talking about indirect firing. That's the way he is. Nothing straightforward about him. I asked the sergeant about it. He said indirect firing was where he shoot at one thing and aimed at another. I hate to butt in, Mabel, but it didn't seem right. I says I seen the Indian girl in the circus shoot the spots out of a cart over her shoulder, but wouldn't it be more sensible to cut off the trick stuff till we was more used to the thing? You can't argue with sergeants, though. The day after tomorrow is inspection. They do it every Saturday. There's another thing I'm thankful for. There's only one Saturday a week. We pull everything out and pile it on our cots, then the captain and the sergeant comes in. Every time it's the same. He says, that's very dirty, Smith. Where's your other shirt? And I say, I ain't got none, sir. And he says, sergeant, make a note of that. And then the sergeant writes something in a little book. Next time just the same. The captain says, where's my shirt? The sergeant makes a note. I guess there's something to drill regulations, even with a shirt yet. Well, Mabel, I'm getting hungry again now. I guess I'll have to stop and buy a couple of pies. We don't get nothing to eat for an hour yet. Yours till the ice cracks in the pale. Bill. P.S. I had to borrow a stamp for this letter. I went downtown yesterday and spent my last cent on a money belt. It's a good one, though. Dear Mabel, raining today. No drill, so I'm going to write you. If I don't get no exercise, I go all to pieces. I'm back from the artillery into the infantry. Captain and I had different ideas about Renithine. One of us had to leave. He'd been there the longest I left. Hot-headed. That's me all over, Mabel. We're doing bayonet drill now. I can't say nothing about it. It's not for women's ears. We have one place where we hit the hunt in the nose and rip all the decorations off in his uniform in one stroke. And there's another one where you give him a shave and a round haircut and end by knocking his hat over his eyes. And the whipper zip come over with a lot of bums and do the dirty work. I and the rest of the fellows go ahead and take another trench. I haven't been able to find out yet where we take it. It's all worked out scientific. The fellow who doped it out had some bean. The principle of the thing is to get the other fellow and not let him get you. If the alleys bad doped out some scheme like this, the war would have been over now. There wouldn't have been no huns left. It takes us Uncle Sammy's and Mabel. They're getting up to thrift campaign now, Mabel. First they sell us enough Liberty Bonds to buy our brand new army and let us go home. Then they cram a lot of insurance at you what won't never do you no good after you're killed. Then I guess they found that someone still had a couple of dollars left so they made us send that back home. Now they're getting up a thrift campaign, Mabel. They don't want us to spend our money foolish so as we can buy the senior building or a fort or something like that when the war is over. Someone say that we was the highest paid army in the world. Besides all this money we get our bed and board. I guess they don't know that in the army bed and board mean the same thing, Mabel. Still the same old bill. They're always inspecting us. I feel like a piece of brides' beef. They never inspect a man all the way through. I guess the inspectors get paid by the day during the duration of the inspection. One day it's our teeth and another are our heart and another are our lungs. The other day we was all lined up in the company straight and the sergeant says inspection arms. I lays down my gun and rolls up my sleeves just to show you how technical the army is. He didn't want to see my arms at all but my gun. How's the fella going to tell, Mabel? I went up for thirds at breakfast the other morning as usual the cook said you seem to like coffee. Right the way without stopping to think or nothing I says back, yes that's the reason I'm willing to drink so much hot water to get some. And Mabel went to a dance dinner night and met some swell girls. I made them all laugh. I says I guess I got the instincts of a soldier alright the minute I smell powder my toes. I haven't been very well lately I guess I'll cut out eating at meals spoils my appetite for the rest of the day I know you'll be glad to know my feet ain't hurt so much. Remember me to the hired girl and your mother yours through the winter Bill. Cher Mabel, that's French I didn't expect you to know what it means though the YMCA are learning me French now I only had three lessons so far but I can talk it pretty good I can kind of trick stuff like that the only difference between French and English is that they're pretty near alike but the French don't pronounce their words right when I use French words I'll underline them that'll give you some idea of the language when we get VOILA as the French say for over there it'll come handy to be able to sit down and have a dozy doze with them poilus that means to the rag in English a poilus Mabel is a French peasant girl and they say that they are very bell they don't mispronounce things and get sore till you know you pronounce that like bell and push button it means good lookers they're crazy bout us fellas they call us sammies they named one of their rivers for us you have heard of the battle of the Sammy but I don't suppose you have they have been learning us a lot about gas at a tax lately they're not the kind your father has these are more like the open places on the street and 6th Avenue only in their army when anything like this happens they give you a gas mask it's like a cracked ice bag with windows in it and in the front they got a cigarette holder I always heard how the French was cigarette fiends I guess they got it so bad they put it in the holder so they could smoke during a gas attack I'm going to put on my mask and have my picture taken and cabinet that's nothing to do with furniture Mabel it's the French for what it's going to look like when it's done the gas fellow said the other day that gas was perfectly safe because you could always tell when it was coming you could hear it escape or see it you could smell it the only trouble was he said that when the gas started the machine guns made so much noise you couldn't hear it and it always came at night so you couldn't see it and when you smelled it it was most late to bother anyhow I've been thinking that over seems to me there's a joker in the contract somewhere ask your father to read it over and see if it sounds droite that's French for right to him better still ask Higgins the grocer to give it the ones over he's got a grand tete it's getting frappier and frappier down here meaning colder and colder it got so cold that I put on those socks that you needed me I guess I won't anymore though I guess my feet are going to look like corduroy the rest of my life you'll understand no hard feeling I know you know how delicate my feet is and how I can't afford to pronounce a hazard with them thank your mother for the flannel pajamas I wear them every night over my uniform I got to quit now and read some picture postcards that some girls sent me good night or as the French say robe de noite end of section 2 section 3 of Dear Mabel by Edward Streeter this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Dear Mabel by Edward Streeter section 3 Dear Mabel I haven't wrote for some time because I've been made an officer a corporal I admit I deserved it I didn't apply for it or nothing though they just come and told me being corporal means I don't have nothing more to do with details and at the same time I got more details than ever that's the sort of joke that us military men understand you couldn't get it probably Mabel it's technical yesterday being Sunday me and a couple of other officers borrowed a couple of meals from the stable sergeant and went for a ride we saw a cabin that they said the moon shiners up but it was broad daylight so you couldn't tell of course it's still cold I wish they'd hurry up and issue those gas masks they'd come in handy these cold nights the sergeant told me that I was going to do interior guard tonight I guess I'm lucky to get indoor work this weather you never saw such a place for rumors these are army rumors they haven't got nothing to do with the kind your mother used to take in we hear that we're going next week and that we're not going at all to go stockyards then we hear that all the mounted men are going to be dismounted and all the dismounted men are going to be mounted and that the rest of us are going to be made cooks and we hear that all non-coms are going to be abolished it's awful hard to tell what is going on I got your Thanksgiving box two days ago it was only 10 days late I guess the post office must have made some mistake things is usually later than that it was in good shape except that the insides had been squozed out of the mince pie and somebody had set a trunk on the turkey of course I divided it up with my squad big hearted that's me all over I'm awful popular with my men they often say they wish I'd be made a major or something my men ate up all the stuff all I saved for myself was the white meat and half a mince pie it certainly tastes good in the field of course we ain't in nobody's field that's a military expression I can't explain it now and post a guard at the same time I'll post this letter to you that's a joke Mabel I'm sorry this letter can't be longer but as a man rises in the army he gets less and less time to himself olive oil yours faithlessly Bill Montcherry Mabel that's the way the French begin their love letters it's perfectly proper I would have hurt you sooner but me and my fountain pen's been froze for a week before instead of here it got us out of drill for a couple of days that's something I guess I'd rather freeze than drill it's awful when they make you do both though two of my men has gone home on furloughs me being corporal I took all their blankets the men didn't like it but I got a squad of men to look out for and my first duty is to keep fit duty first that's me all over I got so many blankets now that I got to put a bookmark in the place I get in at night or I'd never find it again we spend most of our time trying to find something to burn up in the Sibley Stoves a Sibley Stove Mabel is a piece of stove pipe built like the leg of a sailor's trousers old man Sibley must have had a fine mind to think it out all by himself they say he got a paddock on it I guess that must have been a slack winner in Washington the government gives us our wood but I guess that the man who decided how much it was going to give us had an office in the Sandwich Islands I says the other day if they dip our allowance into phosphorus we'd at least have matches, eh Mabel I'm the same old Bill Mabel cracking jokes and keeping everybody laughing when things is blackest I was scouting round for wood today and burned up those military hairbrushes your mother gave me when we came away I told her they'd come in mighty handy someday they say a fellow tried to take a shower the other day before he could get out it froze round him like that fellow in the Bible who turned into a pillow of salt he'd break the whole thing off in the pipe with him inside it and stand it in front of the stove when it melted he finished his shower and said he felt fine that's how hard we're getting Mabel I bought a book on minor tactics the other day that's not about underage tax that live on ticks as you might suppose Mabel it's the science of moving bodies and men from one place to another I thought it might tell if some way of getting a squad out of bed in the morning but it doesn't all the important stuff like that is camouflage to get onto it camouflage is not a new kind of cheese Mabel it's a military term camouflage is French for a cauliflower which is a disguised cabbage it is the same thing as putting powder on your face instead of washing it you deceive the Germans with it for instance you paint a horse black and white stripes and a German comes along he thinks it's a picket fence and goes right by or you paint yourself like a tree and the Germans come and drink beer around you and tell military secrets Mabel I guess it won't be a very merry Christmas without me there cheer up in case I'm going to think of you whenever I get time all day long I'm pretty busy nowadays I got to watch the men work keeps a fellow on the jump all the time I like it though Mabel that's me all over isn't it don't send me nothing for Christmas Mabel I bought something for you but I'm not going to tell you cause it's a surprise all that I can say is that it cost me $4.87 which is more than I could afford and it's worth a lot more but you know how I am with money I spend drift so don't send me anything please although I need an electric flashlight some cigarettes, candy and one of them socks that you wear on your head I'll spend my last cent on anyone I like but I don't want to be under no obligations independent that's me all over you might read this part to your mother I don't want nothing from her either write as soon as playing Mabel cause I don't get much chance to study yours till the south is warm Bill your mother's present cost me $3.77 jolly damp don't get that confused with tinker's damp Mabel tinker's damp is technical and ain't even French I wish you knew more about these foreign languages I always heard a fellow could express himself better than French than anything else that's because nobody can understand him and he can say anything he wants the Christmas holidays is over I spent mine doing kitchen police the only thing what peeled for me Christmas morning was potatoes and the only thing what run out was dishcloths but I guess you ain't familiar enough with the poets to get that Mabel it shows that can be funny and bright though even under adversary conditions kitchen police don't explain what I do very well I don't walk a beat or carry a club or arrest nobody or nothing I just well I wish that hired girl of yours could come down and do kitchen police for a couple of days she wouldn't be quitting as regular as she does we celebrated Christmas by sleeping till a quarter to seven instead of half past six only they forgot to tell the fellow what blows the horn and he blew it at half past six anyway imagine if anybody home had told me I could sleep till a quarter of seven Christmas morning I guess you knew what I had told them Mabel there's a fellow in town what says they'll send flowers anywhere you want by telegraph then I figured it was a silly idea in the first place they'd get smashed on the way and then you can't get enough flowers in one of them little envelopes to make one good smell nothing if not right that's me all over Mabel I had dinner in town with Max Glucose's mother he's a fellow in our tent she is a nice enough old lady but she ain't military Mabel we was walking down the street before dinner and saluting officers so fast it looked like we were scratching our foreheads and every time we saluted she bowed I didn't say nothing because after all she was paying for the dinner later on though she says I think it's fine you boys has made so many friends among the officers because I think they're such nice men can you beat it Mabel and when she went home she sent Max an officer sack cord because she said she didn't think it would fade as quick as that old blue thing he was wearing I like to forgot to thank you for the Christmas presents you and your mother sent me I'm glad you minded what I said about not wanting nothing although I'd set you to presents what was more than I could afford $4.87 as I said to Joe Loomis who was in the tent when your presents came it ain't what the thing cost or whether you could ever use it for anything it's the thought sentiment before a pleasure that's me all over Mabel thanks for the red sweater Mabel we ain't allowed to use them but you don't want to feel bad about that because I got lots of others and didn't need it anyway and tell your mother thanks for the preserves and cake that's what they was it must have packed them between a steam roller and a donkey engine from the looks Joe Loomis picked out most of the glass and tried some he'd eat anything that fellow Mabel he said it must have been pretty good when it started tell that to your mother I know it will please her I got so many presents from other girls in the like that it's kinda hard to remember if you sent me anything else if you did just tell me in your next letter and I'll thank you when I write again I guess you'll like them you ought to at the price as I said to the girl what sold them when she says she didn't have nothing cheaper nothing's too good for where they're going isn't that typical of me Mabel well Mabel perhaps next year I'll send you a Dutch helmet maybe I ain't no use wishing you a happy new year because I know how it'll be with me away in your father what he is yours regardless Bill End of section 3 Dear Mabel this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings from the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Dear Mabel by Edward Strieger section 4 Mon Croquet that's not the kind with the evening dress toothpick in the top Mabel a croquet is a French society woman study these letters of mine and see how I use the words you ought to be able to pick up enough friends well Mabel new years are behind us again once more I made a lot of revolutions it's no use saying there wasn't nothing for me to change you're prejudiced I can see faults where others can't underneath a pleasant exterior I have made of sterner stuff as the poets say I have gave up frivolity with the exception of going into town once in a while to take a bath I'm strong for the sanity stuff under any conditions I'm making a study of war I'm going to tell you a secret I'm working on a plan to end the war I got thinking as I will and it struck me that no one had gone into this at all they're all figuring how to go on with it but none of them how to quit it don't say nothing till I get it worked out I guess you always knew you'd hear from me when I got going Mabel I also resolve not to put off till tomorrow what I can do today old motto for instance if I can get out of a fatigue what's the use of waiting till tomorrow the same with sleeping and resting I cut out cigarettes too I was getting to be a fiend got so I had to light one whenever I got thinking I was using up most a package a day nervous and high strung that's me all over Mabel I smoke cigars and a pipe instead a fellow with an act of mind has got to have something you remember what the fellow what trained the high school show said when he saw me act temperature of course it's harder to borrow pipe tobacco and cigars but I'm trying to show the fellows how bad cigarettes is pretty soon I'll be all okay again I got that watch your father sent me for a new year's present tell him thanks very much and not to feel bad because he forgot to send me a Christmas present because this wipes out the debt entirely he said it was a military watch in the latest thing out I guess they called a military watch because it works two hours and stops four it's the latest thing around here if I answered call by that watch I'd be following in for a retreat around taps it's so slow it can't stop quick I got the blacksmith over at the headquarters company working on it now he's an awful good man he was a plumber in civilian life that's why they made him a blacksmith when he joined the army he says he's gonna fix it so I'll never be bothered with it again I got asked to a dinner new year's night I sat next to a colonel's wife she was kind of embarrassing at first I put her easy though I says who's that funny looking old bird sitting across the room with a head like an egg he's very chick isn't he that's a french joke Mabel she says that's my husband as soon as I stopped laughing I started writing and told her the history of every man in the company beginning with the A's you know me when I get started I didn't give her no chance to get embarrassed when she started to say something right on talking to shore that being a colonel's wife she wasn't expected to make no effort I made good Mabel I guess you know I would after dinner I heard her ask somebody who invited me and she said something like he'd ought to be known better never miss a chance that's me all over it may mean promotion or anything it may be that she'll have me sent to Fort Silly to learn something you can't tell I can't think of anything more that you would understand don't show these letters to no one there is too many spies around I suppose you are awful lonesome without me I don't get much time to be lonesome what with drilling and going out somewhere as soon as things get shook down a bit I hope to get more time to miss you how's your father's liver I'll revere Bill mine a me sounds like a scouring powder doesn't it Mabel as a matter of fact it's the way the orange lady talks to a fellow she's awful fond of I'm not an officer anymore I was just going to resign anyways the captain's been watching me rise and he didn't like it he knew I knew more than him as well as me always asking me questions I'd always tell him because I knew he had a wife and children in Jersey City and so I was sorry for him soft that's me all over but the other day when I was on guard Mabel, what's the general orders I said to the captain if you don't know them now you never will and I wouldn't be doing no service to my country if I told you cold the civil Mabel you know how I can be the captain just felt cheap and walked away I kind of felt sorry for him I almost told him so once or twice then I went on guard again I go on guard a lot the men like me to be corporal of the guard because when the relief goes out I take their blankets and go right to sleep instead of standing outside and watching them freeze men hate to be watched while they're freezing but I happen to be outside for some reason going to dinner I guess and I saw the colonel coming I says turn out the guard no one really turns about Mabel to come out themselves the colonel sees who it is and waves and says never mind the guard corporal so I thanks him and he goes back to the company and goes to bed as soon as the captain sees that the colonel is saving me up for over there he gets sore his plan has been to kill me before we left here he said he was going to reduce me that's not the same way your father reduces when he cuts out beer with his meals and sits in a Turkish all day I never said you will or you won't just waited till he got outside and thumbed my nose at him I spirited that's me all over an English officer came over the other day and told us all about the war he didn't quite finish it because he only had three quarters of an hour there was quite a few things I didn't know even at that he said that the heavy artillery was commanded by the CCODA and the light artillery by the COA and there's a special NCO who has nothing to do but look after the SAA just imagine Mabel I wish I had studied chemistry more when I was in school but make things a lot easier for me now then he said that a man always got into his OO to observe the action of the 75s these English are always great for dress and that formal stuff I'm glad they're telling us this before we go over it would have been awful embarrassing to have tried to observe the action of the 75s in my BVDs I asked him if they had any trouble with the BPOEs when he left he said cheerio without winking a hair I said BIVO same old Bill they said that my name was on a list to go to school and learn all about Lysin I said there wasn't much use in there doing that because I was pretty well up on that stuff at home I said I had a reputation for a devil with a woman nobody knows better than you Mabel I guess that's a little over your head though Mabel I try to be as simple as I can if I'm not just tell me I'm writing this letter with my shoes off I hope you'll excuse my being so informal but I'm having the old trouble with my feet they'd never been right since that winter I taught you to dance I went to the doctor with them and he said to keep off of them as much as I could so they put me to work scrubbing the mess shack on my hands and knees I bet if a fella had both legs shot off they'd prop you up against the wall and put your peeling onions I got to quit now they got a thing they call a treat they have every night I always like to be there just to show the captain I'm behind him regardless I'm sending you my picture in a uniform pointing to an American flag it's kind of symbolical the man said if you know what that is I thought you'd like to put it on the mantel in a conspicuous place so as to have something to be proud of when your girlfriend comes in to talk I'd ask you for your picture only I haven't got much room for that kind of thing down here yours exclusively Bill Dear Mabel everyone around here is going to school now so they can be specialists not the kind your mother grows to Mabel a specialist only does one thing I've been doing everything around here ever since I came I was getting sick of it I went to the top sergeant and says I guess I'd like to be a specialist too he said alright he'd make me a food specialist said I have to go into it pretty deep I've been into it up to my elbows in the kitchen ever since never trust sergeants least of all top sergeants if it keeps on like this there won't be nobody to do the actual fighting but me Mabel it's too much responsibility for one man suppose I was to get sick or something and then a bunch of fellows went away to learn to be officers that kind of struck my fancy at being about the only thing I had it done around here I went to the captain and told him I thought I'd like to go and then he added something he said a company was built up something like a man there was the brain which was the officers and then some was the muscle and some was the bone he said I seemed to be pretty well fitted for my part by nature so he wouldn't change me I've always been strong ever since I was a kid Mabel I wrote a poem I sent it to the division paper they wouldn't print it because they said it was so real that it might depress the men I guessed it was right to the fellows in the tent and it seemed to depress them awful I'm writing it to you it's about the war you'll probably notice that yourself if you read it careful here it is here the thunder of the guns smashing down the german hunts and the sticky pools of gory blood soaking up the oozy side the rushing roaring shrieking boom of bullets crashing through the gloom listen to those great bumps rust listen to the shrieking moaning swearing yelling grunting groaning that comes to us across the trenches all mixed up with gruesome stenches biffin from their hellish layer the shrieks of germans rent the air bloody limbs lie on the ground bits of hun go flying round bang and through the cannons roars plainly heard the splashing gore but this cannot go on for long because Uncle Sam is coming strong and when we charge the german line we'll chuck the damn thing in the line and blood and slaughter, rape and gore and Bella French will reign no more ain't that terrible Mabel I read it to one fellow and he said it made him absolutely sick he said he did it see how I could write it without getting sick myself just between me and you Mabel I did come pretty near being once or twice when I was writing it most of that's all confidential but I don't care if you read it to some of your friends just to give them a good idea of what war is some of the things ain't very nice of course if you're writing big stuff though you got to put in everything that comes into your head or else you'll lose the punch I think the end's the best a lot of fellows have said that we ought to have more of that it gets the slackers the Rhine is a german river where they make wine near Berlin Mabel you keep mentioning a fellow named Brogdon to your letters now I ain't got a spark of jealousy in my nature big that's me all over Mabel but I warn you frankly if I ever catch one of these alien enemies winding up near Victrola I'll kick them out of the house that's only fair it isn't that I care a snap there's plenty of girls waiting for me it's just the principle of the thing don't think for a minute that I care I just mentioned it because I couldn't think of nothing else to say yours till you hear otherwise bill end of section 4 section 5 of Dear Mabel this is a LibriVox recording this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Dear Mabel by Edward Streeter section 5 you say that like it means apple of my eye I never saw an apple and nobody's eye Mabel but I guess that's some french custom great news Mabel a fellow that's got a friend in the audience department in Washington just told me the war is going to end about the 15th of February don't say nothing to nobody about it it might look as if I was getting mixed up in politics I put in for a furlough on the fifth though then I won't have to come back Mabel I'll bet you're glad it's great to think of getting to a place where you can't see through the walls and there ain't three inches of mud on the floor and think of not having to tie the doors together when you come in or crawl underneath them on your hands and knees and not having to put everything you own in the world under the bed but I guess you don't care as much about those things as I will this would be a good training camp for arctic explorers I bet the fellow that picks out the camps either owns a cold storage plant in civil life or else they do it by mail order it got so cold the other night the silver and the thermometer disappeared it ain't been seen since we got a comical guy in the tent Bill Huggins me and him's a pair keep everybody laughing all the time Bill Huggins hot about as well as me every night he fills a sibling's stove so full of wood that he has to hammer the last piece in he gets so hot that it jumps up and down like a mad monkey that's the way siblings do when they get awful hot we're not bothered by that much though we got another guy that's a fresh air fiend his name is Angus McKenzie he's Scotch he's so close himself that he has to have lots of air or he'd smother every night he pulls up the side of the tent by his bed no one likes fresh air in its place better than me maple but when it's as fresh as this air is its place is outside I wake up in the night rolled into a ball like a porcupine these things in the middle of my back like his stickers if I don't move I get cramps if I do I freeze all around the place where I'm laying is as warm as a park bench in winter sometimes I forget and push my feet down that's awful I hurt the horn and stuck my head out of the blankets it was Angus with his head and one arm outside snoring can you beat that? I bet he swims in the ice all winter home and has his picture in the Sunday paper I froze my ear before I could get my head back that's the kind of fellow he is it's awful cold in the morning they pull three calls the first is just for the slow guys I can make it nice from the march if I don't take too many clothes off that's no temptation he jumps up just before assembly makes a lot of fuss like he's getting dressed he don't fool nobody the only thing he takes off at night is his hat some say that falls off when he gets into bed Angus gets up every morning in his BVD's I think his skin is fur lined you can hear him smashing the ice in the pale with a hairbrush outside then you can tell his washing by the noise he makes like a busted steam pipe then he comes smashing into the tent leaving the door open wipes the ice off in his face with somebody else's towel gosh that's great I hate that kind of fellow Bill Huggins cleaned the stove with his towel last week so as everything would be neat for inspection Angus got hold of it in the dark next morning she'd have to laugh Mabel I got the little tin mirror you sent Mabel it's unbreakable alright Bill Huggins got so mad at it he tried to break it and couldn't the first time I looked in I got an awful start I thought I was starving I look like one of them pictures of hungry Indians I show you just before they passed the plate Bill Huggins swiped it later and says why didn't somebody tell him he was getting so fat cause he couldn't go home on a furlough like that he didn't eat nothing for three meals and he looked at himself with the mirror turning the other way it's like one of those Coney Island places where a fellow can go in and laugh at himself for a dime next time 71 that will break I got to quit now and buy a couple of pies before I go to bed I don't sleep good unless I have a little something in my stomach don't say nothing about what I told you in the beginning until the 15th of February then yours faithfully Bill dear Mabel the captain ain't gonna give me my furlough says there's an order out against it someone's got it in for me Mabel I bought a woolly coat awful cheap from Bill Huggins right away there's an order against him Angus Mackenzie sold me a pair of leather leggings for less than he paid for them some bargain from Angus the next day they issue an order that you can't wear them now they hear me I want to go home and put out an order out against it if they'd only come right out and say Bill Smith we're gonna get you sneaky that's what I call it Mabel I have half of mine to transfer back to the artillery if I transfer much they'll be charging me extra fare Mabel only for me and the captain not being able to agree I never have left I understand he's been awful sorry since all you have to do with artillery is to put a bullet in the gun it does the rest in the infantry you gotta go up and do all the dirty work yourself besides I'm getting near of these infantry fellows they're always talking about what we're gonna do to the Germans blowing them to pieces and slicing them up and throwing them all around the lot I got thinking what if the Germans was learning their men to do the same thing they never seem to figure on these things and the bayonets Mabel they ain't safe when you get a lot of fellows in a trench they're bayonets sticking every which way someone's gonna get hurt sure I got those cigars your father sent me thank him and tell him if he ever gets taken like that again not to send such a large box but well you explain it to him Mabel you can do that sort of thing much better than I can outspoken that's me all over Mabel why is it that no matter how fussy a fellow was when he wore a vest as soon as he begins to call a coat a blouse no one thinks he knows what's what if you got any old magazines what was old before the war started send them to the soldiers they won't know the difference some woman sent our regiment the Baptist review for three years back that ain't right Mabel they'd give you candy that comes by the bale then they come around and watch you eat it I bet if you walked into their place and watched them eat they'd raise an awful holler they'd make speeches to you that you'd get your money back without asking up north they'd give you free movies that's so old that look as if they was taken in the rain it seems like feeding the hippo at the zoo Mabel don't matter so much as long as there's lots of it I'm going into town tonight with a bunch to eat a swell dinner on a china plate all but Angus McKenzie he eats all his dinners on me I'm awful sick of eating out of a tin frying pan when you put the food in it folds up like a jack knife going the wrong way takes months to make a good mess kid eater we get our mess from some fellows what stands behind a counter one of them provides a coffee he does it by putting half in your cup and half on your thumb the other fellow has big spoons I guess they are old lacrosse players a big wad of food hits your plate splash and knocks it squeegee the other fellow hits the plate and knocks it the other way when you get it all it's running out of one dish up your sleeve and out of the other back into the food pans army food always runs cooks love loose scrub they're awful stupid if there's anything solid you get it in the pan you get the rim on it then they pour the soup on your cover when you sit down half of what you got left spills out on the table it isn't so bad now because everything freezes about as soon as it hits you ought to see us eat breakfast Mabel we got so many overcoats and things on that a fellow don't get no elbow action some fellows eats with their wool gloves that ain't a good scheme though it makes things taste like eating peaches with their skins on the fellow that invented our eating tables to bend a supply sergeant once all the seats is nailed to the table when you get a spoonful of loose food up some fellow puts his foot in your lap and leaves a couple pounds of mud there I just brush it off though on the next fellow never complain that's me all over well Mabel I've got to shine my shoes now and go eat off in china plates with a nigger waiter I don't eat with a nigger waiter Mabel it's awful hard to explain things to you sometimes so now I will close hoping you are the same Bill dear Mabel I've been thinking of you a lot during the last week Mabel having nothing else to do I've been in a hospital with bronxitis I guess I caught it from Joe Loomis he comes from there I'd have wrote you in bed but I dropped my fountain pen on the floor and bent it I'm all right now I got some good news for you Mabel the cook says we only drew 10 days supply of food last time he says he guesses when we ate that up we'll go to France he's got a bet on that if the alleys don't buck up and win the Germans is coming out ahead Max Glucos a fellow in the tent is referee we're eating as fast as we can perhaps we can eat it all in less than 10 days so maybe we'll be gone Mabel before I write you from here again there's a French sergeant comes around once in a while and says the war is going to be over quick he ought to know because he's been over there and seen the whole thing he smokes cigarettes something awful and don't say much because the poor cuss can't talk much English it must be awful not to talk English think of not being able to say nothing all your life without waving your arms around and then looking it up in a dictionary I feel so sorry for those fellows that I'm studying French a lot harder so they'll have something to talk to when we get over there I'm reading a book now that's all in French no English in it anywhere Mabel a fellow told me that was the only way to talk it good I don't understand it very well so far the only way I know it's French is by the pictures someday I'm going to find out what the name is then I'm going to get the English of it those are some pictures ain't I fierce Mabel I guess that's why I get on with women so well I gave up reading it out loud because the fellow said it made them think they was in Paris so as much they got restless I can't speak no better yet I guess that comes all at once at the end of the book as soon as we got the hot showers all fixed up the pipes busted so the other day the captain walked us all into town to take a bath I didn't need one much I used my head more in most of them last fall when it was warm I took as many as two a week and got way ahead of the game I went along though more for the walk than anything I saw the captain didn't make no move to take a bath himself I thought he might be shy he don't mix very well with the fellows I fell sorry for him everyone else was laughing and throwing things with him standing off and none throwing a thing at him I went up and says ain't you gonna take a bath this winter too captain just jolly Mabel that all I says you don't want to mind the butch they don't care a bit they're as dirty as you are anyway probably more and I bet they were Mabel because I ain't seen the captain do a stroke of work since we came here just stands around giving orders I says if none won't lend you a towel you can use mine I was gonna have it washed anyway he got awful red and embarrassed Mabel I thought he was gonna choke he's awful queer just like the other morning he calls me over and says smith my orderly sick you can shine my boots this morning he said it like I've been begging him to for a month and then he says smith you can light the fire in my stove he had me thinking he was doing me favors he said I might put some oil on his boots if I wish I says that would be a great treat and I wish he wouldn't be so kind or the fellows would think he's playing favorites I guess he didn't hear me Mabel because he'd just gone out I said it anyway I didn't care if he was there spunky that's me all over I couldn't find no oil for his boots anyway Mabel so I poured some out of his lamp and then I don't think that suited him queer fellow the captain I keep hearing more about this fellow Broggins I suppose he belongs to the home guards and wears his uniforms around in the evening I suppose he has an American flag on his writing paper it don't mean nothing in my life I ain't going to put up no arguments or get nasty like most fellows would dignity that's me all over Mabel let me tell you though if I ever come home and find him shining his elbows on the top of your baby grand I'll kick him down the front steps if I only have one leg to do it with I'm writing this in the YMCA in the afternoon because I'm going on guard tonight I don't see why they don't make it a permanent detail and be done with it someone said the top sergeant's a man of one idea I guess I'm the idea I didn't go out to drill this afternoon I didn't say nothing to sergeant though because sergeants have an idea that if they don't get a lot of fellows to go out to drill with them they don't look popular I got to go new so as to get in my tent before they come from drill as ever on guard Bill end of section 5 section 6 of Dear Mabel this is the LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings during the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Dear Mabel by Edward Streeter section 6 Dear Mabel I would have wrote sooner but I've had such a cold I couldn't say nothing for most a week well Mabel we ate all the food like the cook said but we ain't in France yet I guess he ain't got as many brains as he said he had everyone is sore at him because we didn't kick at none of his food for more than a week thinking that when we'd ate it all we'd go away he thinks it's funny and says do you guys think this war is a coke's tour? I hate fellows what tries to get out of things by being smart everything's covered with mud including me I seem to attract mud like I was a maggot Mabel yesterday I spent all the afternoon shining up for the guard so as to be the colonels orderly then I step out of the tent and fluey the sergeant says Smith don't you know enough not to go on guard looking like that I even got mud in my hair MaxLukos says when he combs his it's like raking out a garden from what I've seen of him though I don't see how he found out it's pouring rain and awful cold it's so cold that the toothpaste rolls right off in your brush in the morning the captain has a cold in his nose he says he won't take the man out in such bad weather as today take nothing against him Mabel but I hope he has a cold all winter there's a hole in the tent over my cot where the water comes through on me I put a slicker over me last night the water made puddles in it then when I turned over they spilt out into my shoes this had me guessing Mabel so finally I put on MaxLukos's shoes there instead of mine Angus McKenzie had so many holes over his cot that it looked like one of those safety fire sprinklers he got up last night and rigged his shelter so as half the water hit it and run down into the next cot he's a bright fellow Angus even if he is a foreigner the other day he had some medicine for it cold it says on the bottle that I was 17% alcohol he drank the whole thing right down so as nobody couldn't get a hold of him I mean I'm awful sick but he says that's because he is used to it for such a long time me and him is going down next week to put in a stock of tonics it's awful hard to write letters Mabel somebody's always falling over your feet or dragging something white over the paper if you've got a cot near the door like mine is and when you get going finally at about the fourth try some sergeant always comes in with a list to check up something sometimes I go over to the YMCA Mabel but as soon as you get right in a bald headed fellow jumps up and says now fellows will all sing all the fellows watch writing looks up and says ah one thing and another I don't know who the bald headed fellow is they got one in every YMCA they all look about alike I guess it's a regular issue there's always a bunch of fellows who don't seem to know why they came they all start singing so I come home and go to bed independent that's me all over Mabel most of the taxis are swallowed up in the mud there's only two or three running now only the big strong fellows can get to town the cook says it's the old theory of the arrival of the fittest but I guess you don't know nothing about science Mabel when I go to town I wrap my blouse in a newspaper if they know you're going they give you a list of things to get that looks like a Chinese message to congress the time you go to come home you got so many bundles you look like one of those fellows in the funny papers everyone stands in the square looking for a hat rack waiting for the three taxis to come along when they see one they rush it like they do in the movies when the millionaires cars run over the poor fellows kids if going over the top is any worse than getting under the top of one of them things with 50 bundles and as many fellows then Sherman didn't know many swear words at Mabel but that's history I guess you wouldn't understand and then when you get home without a bath or a haircut or the movies or nothing and you forget to get that shaving soap for yourself and spend all your money they say thanks Bill put it over here can you change a ten dollar bill there ought to be a law against making money in such big numbers I'm glad you've taken up singing lessons again you ought to take a lot of them I got a favor to ask I don't do that often proud that's me all over but if that fellow Broganski's sputting around scene for Mabel it ain't asking much with me down here defending you although I don't see why I had to come down here to do it yours internally Bill dear Mabel this is the last time I will ever take my pan in hand for you all is over I'm honest I felt it coming for some time Mabel today I'm on some letters that I got from girls I've worn from a girl what knows you well she told me all about this fellow Broganski she says you take him around with you everywhere that's the kind of fellow I thought he was Mabel but I'm surprised at you she says you're awful fond of him and he's so cute I ain't cute and ain't never pretended to be a man's man that's me all over Mabel she says she went up to your house the other night and he was sitting in your lap sticking his tongue out out of my picture on the mantelpiece after that Mabel there's nothing to say so I repeat all is over I'm honest I'm returning today by Parcel's post the red sweater and the gloves that has no fingers and the socks that you wear over your head and the picture most of the stuff I've been used much the picture has some mud on it because I had to keep it in the bottom of my barrack bag and my shoes came next the socks I can't send back because I sold them to Joe Glucose and you wouldn't want them now the stuff that you sent me to eat I haven't kept I guess you wouldn't want that anyway Mabel the stuff that your mother sent me I'm gonna keep she wasn't my girl and she didn't have to send all that stuff if she didn't want to as for all the things I've given you Mabel I don't want them no more I ain't even gonna mention all the money I've spent on you for movies and sodas and the lord knows what not I ain't the kind of fellow to throw that up to a fellow or even mention it in no ways I kept track of it though in a little book it comes with $28.27 and some odd cents and I ain't not going to hold it up against you that I've been saving in the bank for most two years so as to have a little something toward that house with the green blinds and then I got something like $87.22 in the bank you can't believe what that eagle beak in the cage writes in your book all wasted you might say when you think of the fun I might have had with it in the last two years those things will just forget you seem to have already in that season's pass I got for you for the happy hour so you could keep in touch with things while I was away keep that and take braggans otherwise I gotta hunch you ain't going to the movies as much as you used to I guess this will hit your father and mother pretty hard they got nobody to blame but yourself on the other hand it's going to please some girls that I know so it's a poor wind that don't blow nobody round as the poets say I guess you won't hear much about the poets anymore Mabel all you'll hear about is the Braggans I hate a man what talks about himself I suppose he has joined the home defense are you going to have a military wedding Mabel I'm kind of sorry for your father if you have his liver on your hands don't blame me you know the doctor said any kind of shock I'm off a mile and now Mabel I'm closing for the last time and won't be no use running to the door when you hear the postman no more cause he won't have nothing but the gas bill from now on the only way you'll hear from me is in the papers perhaps when we get over there now I'm going to ask you a favor Mabel for old times sake take the picture I had taken pointed to the American flag and burn it up you can't have that to show your friends no more and I ain't going to have no flat foot making faces at it I selfish Mabel but a girl can't make a cake and eat it too as the old saying is give my best to your father and mother tell them I sympathize with them in their loss it's no use writing anymore cause I'm firm as the rock of gibber altar concrete that's me all over Mabel as ever here's no longer bill western union telegram received at falapolis new york miss Mabel gimp 106 main street falapolis new york how was I to know Brogdon's was a dog you can send back all your stuff and make me some more if you want to this telegram is costing me 9 cents a word so I can't say no more thrifty that's me all over Mabel bill end of section 6 end of dear Mabel by edwards feeder