 There are certain types of men that love to be chased. Now, unlike popular opinion, it's not Leo men, and I think someone said that recently, because I happen to be a Leo, but it has nothing to do with your astrology sign. The type of men who love to be chased, there's basically two types of men that actually love to be chased. These men are typically users, people that will use you. These are oftentimes the love bombers, those that are in it for the short run. They have their own desires in place, okay? That's the first type. The second type are broken men. That's right, men who are broken, men who are dysfunctional, men who don't have the capacity to actually be fully engaged into a relationship. So today, we're gonna talk about the men that actually are most likely the ones you seek, those emotionally healthy men, and they don't like to be chased. However, they do like women who make effort. And in a few minutes, we're gonna talk about the type of effort emotionally healthy men appreciate in a relationship. Now, why is it important to talk about the users and the broken men? Well, roughly, in my opinion, roughly about 80% of the single population that is in the demographics of over 45 are most likely men who are what I call users or spenders. And if you're not familiar with my chart on users, let me just bring this up for everyone. By the way, please forgive the glare. But these are the three types of people actively dating. The users, they seek short-term gain. They're the love bombers, the players, the gold diggers and entitled people. These are selfish people only caring for themselves. And the spenders, those are people that seek companionship, they seek connection, they seek sex, but they have no direction. They're uncertain, they're fearful, unhealthy and have a dysfunctional life. And while most of you would prefer to date the grower and the builder, which probably only represents about 20% of the population, these are the men and women that seek a long-term commitment. They're emotionally grown up, they have good relationship skills and they have their act together. See, the men who are broken, the men who are emotionally wounded, the men who have had significant unhealed trauma in their life, let me rewind that, not significant unhealed trauma, they just have unhealed trauma in their life. And by the way, when we talk about trauma, it doesn't have to be something overly dramatic that happened in their childhood. It doesn't have to necessarily always associate with abuse or something physical or emotional. It could be a simple abandonment that might have happened for one hour and yet that one event to a child could have lasting ramifications as they turn into adults. Now here's the challenge with folks in midlife. See, those of us in midlife, a big percentage of us are divorced. Roughly in my anecdotal perception is roughly 75% of people who are over 45 years old who are in the, excuse me, in the single marketplace are divorced and divorce comes with it actually an emotionally traumatic event for most everyone. Because through a divorce year, there's an unraveling of the tapestry of one's old life. And for many people, they seek outside connection to fill them up because they haven't filled them up in their own space. And this is why there's a significant percentage of men and women who are for lack of a better word broken. And I don't mean this to be disparaging to this person or these people, it's just that they're emotionally wounded. They're emotionally wounded. And if someone is emotionally wounded, it makes it very difficult for them to lean into a healthy, happy relationship. This is why these people prefer to be chased. Have you experienced a man who's desired to be chased or let me reframe that. Have you ever been in a dynamic where you actually chased a person? You made far more effort than they did. If you've ever found yourself in one of those situations, most likely the person was what I said earlier, a user or most likely they were broken in some way. This is why I'm a big advocate for human beings doing personal development, self-help spiritual work. This is why I wrote a book about it called What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book and all the books I recommend. Why do I recommend so many books? Because for less than $15 to $20, you can learn a lot about yourself. You can learn why you choose the people you do. If you're not familiar with the work of, there's three books I wanna talk about right now. This is hugely important to understand the concept of broken. Okay, if you're not familiar with the work of Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, they wrote the book Attach so you can understand attachment style. If you've read the book Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, this talks about the Amago, I-M-A-G-O. And if you read the book Wired for Dating by Stan Tatkin or Wired for Love, this talks about the reason why we choose the certain people that we've chosen in our life. In many cases, we are trying to heal from a childhood wound, and yet we choose, for lack of a better word, the wrong person for us over and over and over again because we need some level of healing inside of ourselves. I am very, I am quite, okay, let me reframe that. It is my opinion that we are swimming in a sea of emotional dysfunctionality. I truly believe the number one emotional health issue most every human is faced with is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. I truly believe, now sometimes the outwardly most confident man or woman out there actually could be hiding some deep pain inside of them. And they mask it in many cases with their outside life by having expensive cars, expensive jewelry, expensive clothes, this is just in some cases, not always, but there's a deep wound that needs to be filled through material things. That's why when you see someone who has material wealth, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're quite happy inside, especially if people have a consumption for material things. And I'm just using this as one example of many because many people are suffering on the inside, as I said before, of not feeling good enough, not feeling lovable, not feeling likable. And so when we're in the dating marketplace, it's quite important to basically be your own detective as Stan Tackin talks about in his book, Dr. Stan Tackin talks about in the book, Wired for Love, he says, you have to be your own Sherlock. In other words, you have to be Sherlock Holmes. You literally, to some degree, you have to be your own advocate. I recently was a guest on a podcast and I talked about how, listen, I'm your big brother. If I could be there for you on a first date, I'd have the shotgun in hand pointed at the guy's face and I'd say, what's your intentions with my little sister? See, you have to be your own advocate or more importantly, you have to be your own matchmaker. Think about this for a moment. Let's say you hired a high-end matchmaker. What you'd want them to do, although they don't always do this, but what you'd want them to do is have a list of all the things that are critically important to you. And what you'd want to do is for them to, if they're going to introduce you to someone, is to vet this person to see if they aligned with your values, to see if this person is aligned in your lifestyle, to see if this person is actually an emotional grownup. You would want them to actually do some sort of personality test for this other person. You'd want to have them find out about this person's past relationships to find out why it might have failed in their life. This is what you'd want a matchmaker to do. And yet quite frankly, all matchmakers do for the most part is they take, whomever they have in their database, put two people together and they hope that magic fairy dust will solve the problem. And what I mean to say is that attraction will lead them to something serious. Well, it's quite evident to me, and most every one of you that follow my channel, is emotional maturity is probably one of the fundamental pieces missing, or let me reframe that, emotional maturity and relationship skills are some of the fundamental issues we're dealing with this. This is why if you've seen my chart on emotional maturity, and by the way, my previous chart was not a fact merely an opinion, but I believe that emotional maturity and relationship skills, I think roughly 20% of the population has some level of clinical issues. And while I believe maybe 20% have good skills or are emotionally mature, roughly 60% have some true dysfunctionality. Hey, listen, I'm not perfect at this. I'm still a work in progress. So I'm not even sure I'm in that healthy space. I'm saying this because the journey of life is one of growth, one of love, one of expansion, or at least that's my perception of the journey of life. So in this particular case, when it comes to the idea if you found yourself ever chasing a man, ask yourself, was he a user or was he dysfunctional or broken? See, because healthy men want women who make effort. And I'm gonna dive into this effort for a moment. So let me give you an example of some ways of emotionally healthy men appreciate effort. And let's start with something that many of you seem to feel reluctant to do because you're afraid it'll scare a guy away, but that's simply to ask a question. I know in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery, one of our members is very good at asking questions of men in the early stages because she's curious, she asks curious questions. And she finds that a certain group of men don't respond to the questions. Well, and she's like, well, how can I get him to answer a question? I'm like, you don't wanna speak to the guy who isn't willing to answer a question. If he can't answer a question that you might have that's a curious question and then offer up a question to you, he's most likely a broken man or a user to some degree because an emotionally healthy man will appreciate any sort of question you might have of him because what is dating? Dating is a fact-finding mission. Dating is the period of time where you're trying to get to know someone. But Jonathan, I'm just told to sit back in my feminine energy and let the man do leading. I know I'm not supposed to chase. Look at sitting back in your feminine energy, waiting for a guy to lead, let's face it. Men are rather clueless. Most of them are winging it. If you leave it up to them, you'll become old and gray. And to encourage you to recognize that you are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, not some man, you are in charge of your destiny. And this is why asking a curious question, if he doesn't respond, your respond is N-E-X-T, next. Okay, now I'm a big proponent if a man is taking you out on a couple of dates, then you do the same. Reciprocity is an important quality within a healthy relationship. So if he's taking you out a couple of times, hey, say, hey, Tim, you know what? I really appreciated, you took me out the last couple of times. I'd like to show you my appreciation and take you out and make the plan and make it happen. See, healthy reciprocity is a foundation for a healthy relationship. And when you're making effort, if he's made effort, you make effort. If you make effort, he should make effort. It should feel like a seesaw of effort between the two of you. And by the way, let me go back to asking questions because I just saw this. Asking a question is not chasing someone. Folks, you have to recognize, getting to know someone you can't rely on them, feeding all of your answers to your questions, you have to ask him questions. And if a guy is turned off by questions, he's either a control freak, he's a user, or he's a deeply broken guy. Do you really want to invest in one of those types of men? I hope not. Emotionally healthy men appreciate being able to share part of themselves to another human being through the curious questions you have. Just remember, if you speak from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. If some guy is turned off by your heart, think about that for a moment. Do you want this man? Please let me know, do you want this man if he's turned off by your heart? I'm a big proponent of women initiating random text messages when you're engaging in the early stages of connecting or in a relationship, a random text, I'm thinking of you, you're on my mind. Or offer a compliment, something like even say, hey, handsome. Something simple, I believe in random text messages, so much game playing is going on in today's dating marketplace and you're all told to not communicate and no contact and play these games. Let me just say something, folks. This does work temporarily when you create a temporary set of anxiety. Let me refrain that. When you create a momentary period of anxiety, it temporarily gets them attached to you, but that doesn't work in the long run. Game playing doesn't work in the long run. What works in the long run is when two people are devoted to being generous with one another so that they can appreciate one another when two people are devoted to being givers and you're with two people that can appreciate the giving, that's the recipe for a healthy, happy, long-term relationship, one of many things that's the recipe. Now, I'm a big proponent, ladies, is asking a man advice about something in your life. We love to be your hero and when you can ask something, that's maybe something going on in your life. I shared this story before. I haven't shared it in a long time, but I remember I had a second date with a woman and I went to go pick her up at her house. We were in the kitchen, had a quick drink before we were leaving to a restaurant. And in that moment, she was re... She was gonna be retiling the kitchen floor and she had three tiles out. And she said, Jonathan, you seem like a person has good taste. Which one do you like? And she asked my opinion. And you know what I appreciate the most is whether she took the advice or not that she asked my opinion. We met, and now by the way, if you ask for advice, especially something in his area of expertise, oh, this is a recipe for actually bonding with a man because men do like to be your hero, particularly in an area that might be his area of expertise. I love it when my female friends reach out to me and ask for dating advice. I feel like I'm their hero. These are my friends. Whatever your area of expertise, or whatever the area of expertise he's has, did I do a tongue tie there, a twist? Anyway, ask for his advice. Couple other things. Invite him to do something new that he's never done before. Maybe it's hiking, maybe it's yoga, maybe it's a music festival, maybe it's the Getty Museum for those that live in Los Angeles. Invite him to do something he's never done before. That's a great way to connect making effort. And again, let me be clear. This should be a two lane street. Both men and women should mutually be making effort. That's why it's not called chasing. It's called making effort. And if he's into sports, get into the sports he's done. You know, I just wanna say this. Effort is a two lane street. It's two lane street. Broken people users, they hyper focus on the entertainment of the relationship as being the resource within the relationship. It's not in the doing and helping of each other. It is in the entertaining of each other. And most broken people will get bored after a while or they'll take full advantage of you. And they're not going to last the distance. Emotionally healthy people, emotionally healthy men. They wanna try new things. They wanna grow with you. They want you to make effort in the relationship and making effort isn't chasing. It isn't chasing. Be clear on that. But when you make effort to a broken man, he's most likely not making much effort. When you're making effort with a user, he might temporarily make effort, but he'll take advantage of you in the long run. And if you need some support, trying to figure out the type of man you're with, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is to help you decipher those users, those spenders and those growers. And thankfully my clients are all seem to be dating grower and builders. And each week it seems like I get a call. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and they know the difference. And hopefully I can help you as well. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is. I'd like you to post a comment below. If this did resonate with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. All right, if you know my format, it's time for Q&A. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the money's from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. He's my son who passed away a few years ago in his honor. I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love. So again, if you've got a question for me, let's try to get $50 tonight, $50 to go to the Connor Asley fund to donate to some really good causes. Use that little, and if you're watching the replay, hit that super thanks button as well. So if we have questions, write the word question and post the question there after and it looks like we've got a few people that say, yes, it's resonating with me. Sherry says it's resonating with me and Diana says, amen, Jonathan. All right, if you have a question, let's see what we've got here. I'd love to hear what you have to say or what things you'd like to know. Let's see. Oh, Alice says, I think fund-date offering ideas for fund-date create dimensions to experience of getting to know one another or someone. I agree, I'm a big proponent of that. Sherry wants to know, McCoy, will you ever meet LOL? Why do men want these long distance situationships? You know, long distance relationships are a rather unique dynamic in our world today and it offers up a number of different experiences. First and foremost, it offers you to connect with someone whom you might not meet in your daily life. So if you've connected with someone and there happens to be distance, you're connecting with someone you wouldn't otherwise meet in your daily life. Now for many people, the minute they have someone of interest and they happen to be long distance, they spend a significant amount of time on their devices. They're mostly texting one another. And what happens with text messaging, it builds up a false sense of intimacy, number one. So what's beginning first is a false sense of intimacy. And usually there's a lot of sexual tension that's been built up. So by the time two people meet, they usually engage in some physical intimacy. Basically they're having sex, okay? And then it's oftentimes in the course of a bubble. So it's like a mini vacation. And usually by the time one person leaves, this mini vacation is over and then it relies on a lot of text messaging. And what also happens is when people are engaging long distance, it allows them to engage with multiple people at the same time. That's another possibility that can happen. Or you have an instant exit clause. You can say, you know what? I really don't wanna do long distance. It fascinates me. But I would roughly to say 90% of people, that a man in particular that enter into a long distance dating dynamic, use the distance as their excuse once they've gotten laid. So it's a great opportunity to create some false sense of intimacy. You then have physical intimacy when you meet and then you basically could abandon that person because you don't wanna engage in long distance. This is typically the case. Now, women will oftentimes do the traveling. I think women tend to be more desperate in these cases and they see it as a, this is just a per judgment on my part. And women get a little bit desperate, but they also see it as a mini vacation. And in this particular case, they make up some rationalization for the mini vacation. And then they find themselves back in the dating marketplace because the person has said, I'm not interested in long distance. Okay, that's just my two cents on that one. All right, we had another question come in, bear with me. Tammy has a question. What if he is token? What if he is token? Is there any hope for them past relationship damage? I believe if the letter T isn't near the B, what if he is broken? A person, unless they're on a journey of healing, you're not gonna heal him. If he had past relationship damage, he should heal that before he enters, or let me reframe that. Choose a man who's healed his wounds from his past versus someone who's broken and is doing nothing to heal. That's my invitation for you, Tammy, okay? Okay. Okay, Jennifer piggybacked something I just said. I met a man who wanted long distance relationship. He was definitely emotionally unavailable and didn't want someone close. Yes, a lot of people, it's safer to do long distance because you can keep distance from them. Bump, bump, bump. You can keep your distance from someone. Sherry wants to piggyback and says, Jonathan, that makes sense about multiple people in an exit clause. Yes. All right, Judith has a question. Why would a man never want to talk on the phone? Only text, hundreds a day. I've been in this house. I know he lives alone, not dating other women. Thank you. Why would a man never want to talk on the phone? Because it requires, being on the phone requires different energy than text messaging. Text messaging is the weakest form of communication. It allows you to respond when you choose to respond and it can go on for hours and hours at a time whereas, could you imagine a telephone call where you're talking for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours at a time? See, text messaging is quick, short communication and you can go off doing whatever you want to do. You can be watching TV doing this. You could be watching a football game. You could be masturbating while you're doing this. You could be cooking while you're doing it. But it's very weak form of communication and that's why a lot of people do that. All right, Dizzy. I don't know how to pronounce your name, Miss Quinn. Should I wait for a guy who asked if I'm willing to wait six months for him? It was a hypothetical question, but I pulled back on expressing my interest in seeing him. Why did he ask for six months? What is going on in his life? Why this arbitrary number? What is going to change in the six months? And by the way, folks, you guys know I lost a child. There's a picture of Connor right there. You know, if someone said, wait six months before you're gonna see him again before he died. If I said, hey, Connor, I need six months before I'd see you again. And he died during that six months. I've been really fucked. Folks, every day is precious. You don't have to wait for someone for them to figure themselves out. And I only use the example of my son is every day something can change. Why do you wanna tie up your life for someone unless they have a very valid reason, but keep dating. You might meet the love of your life four and a half months from now. Why give him space in your heart? Why give him space in your heart? That's just my opinion. Hey, Cece is in the house. Okay, let's go. I hope that helped, by the way. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Cece, $10 super sticker. Thank you so much. Do you think there's a point in time some should give up on dating? A therapist told me she's counseled many divorced people that will likely be single forever. Well, let's define what is dating. Is it making effort on the dating apps? Is it saying yes to a date? Look at if some great guy asked you on a date, why would you say no? Okay, that does that mean you make effort? If you wanna be asked on a date, you have to be seen. I'm a believer of pre-qualifying a person so thoroughly that every time you go on a date, you have a 90% chance of this turning into a relationship. This is what I work with in my clients. See, my clients have a great success ratio because they're not dating. They're attracting a true life partner in their life. I don't believe you should. Now, so yes, we should give up on dating. We should practice attraction and only choosing people that actually want a relationship so you have a greater chance for success. CC, that's my opinion on that. Hope that helps, okay? So thank you for that. And thank you for the $10 Super Sticker. We really appreciate that. All right. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Debbie Weeks is in the house and she says my boyfriend, I talk very cordially two weeks ago. Afterward, he had medical issues. I cannot get him to respond. His Facebook page deleted, daughter won't respond. I found not serious. Why not talk? Wow. I can't imagine what happened in his life but I'm gonna guess he's met somebody else and he's trying to write you out of his life or he got freaked out by you in some way and he is deleting you from his life. If somebody's deleted from your life, there's an old saying, rejection is God's protection. Be grateful that this person is a douche bag because he's doing you a favor by exiting your life. All right. Thank you again for your question. I'm sending you a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. What are good questions to ask on a first date? I'd wanna know what some per, if you're meeting through a dating app, if you're meeting through a dating app, find out first, what does commitment look like for you? What does commitment mean to you? What does a relationship look like for you? Find out if this person wants a relationship. Those would be three really huge questions I'd want answered early on to make sure you're on the same page. I'd even want those questions answered before meeting for the first time. You know, my son had a date the other day. They communicated via text through a dating app called Hinge. They had a date. By the way, he told me he was very, it was like, he was like, within the first few minutes, he was like, God, I wished I talked around the phone first because we had no verbal chemistry with one another. And he had to basically, these are my words, endure an hour of being polite. But I'm like, Colin, you should do a FaceTime before you meet someone. Your time is too precious. Do a FaceTime, ask a few questions. But daddy, every other dating coach, he doesn't do this, by the way. But Jonathan, every dating coach tells you not to ask questions, not do this stuff. Folks, our life is precious. Don't waste your time with someone who's not on the same page. And just remember, we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. The sooner you pre-qualify someone, the better. All right. All right, let's keep going. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Do you have a question? Tammy wants to say rejection is God's protection, exact God's way of protecting you. Jonathan is very attuned. He totally gets it. Well, I think so. McCoy says, I ask questions, that's my way. I'm curious anyway. I ask questions all the time. Do you know what disappoints me, ladies? I've had what feels like 10 million dates, and that's not the number. You know, I'm in a unique profession. Do you know how infrequently women have asked me about my profession and have been actually genuinely curious about it? Being, I think one of my disappointments in my past experiences is how women have been so maybe conditioned or been afraid to ask questions. I thrive on someone wanting to get to know me. I thrive on that. And yet it's so infrequent that I've even been with someone who's been curious about my life. You know, just an observation I have. So I just share that with everyone. All right. If you have a question, speaking of questions, write the word question and post the question there after or you can purchase the super sticker, super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box and just remember, we donate that money. So thank you. We need $40 more to get to our number of $50 tonight. Kathy says, it must be hard to pick a woman in your field. You know, I think, you know, it's like a unique recipe for a relationship to truly work out. I do believe that first and foremost, we pay attention to our physical attraction to another human being. That's certainly the thing we see first. And then I recognize the importance of having similar values, handling a similar vision in life, having a similar desire for, at least in my case, growth. Next is lifestyles that are blendable with one another. This is where most midlife people struggle is in the blending of lives with one another. And women oftentimes pretzel themselves to fit into a man's life. And that's a recipe for disaster as well. And lastly, we're swimming in such a sea of dysfunctionality. Most humans don't have good relationship skills. They don't have good listening skills. They don't have good communicating skills and the fascinating piece in all of this is everybody thinks they're the exception. They think everybody else is the problem. No, we are the challenge in our lives. We are the blocks. So is it hard? It's only hard if you make it hard. That's my perception anyway. And the magic entertainer says, I would date you. Well, thank you for that. I appreciate that. All right. Alice says, I totally agree with you. I think this is the point in our lives. We have to weed out the non-candidates before we put ourselves in front of a stranger. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. Gigi has a question. When can a woman start random texts? I don't wanna seem desperate. We just connected yesterday meeting his invitation when he returns from Florida next week. He's new to online dating. Well, you don't have to, he's not new to being a human. Online dating has nothing to do with it. When send the text, you know, I mean, I think if first, I have a rule of thumb, for every three times he messages you, you message him once or twice. Let him make a little bit more effort than you. I just want you to think of, he's making effort 55 to 60% of the time and you're making effort 40, 45% of the time. Okay, think of it in those terms. Is he's made effort once or twice you make effort and then he should make effort and then you should make effort and then it should be a seesaw after that. Try that Gigi and see if it works. Hey, we got Gigi in the house that just gave us a $19.99 super sticker. Guess what? We're $20 away from getting to our $50 goal. Susan wants to remind us it's raining men and they all want me, my mantra. How about it's raining good men, it's raining good men, it's raining good men. Oh wait, for me, it's raining good women, it's raining good women, it's raining good women. Sherry wants to remind us that someone can be attractive however, not aligned exactly, not emotionally mature. Their lifestyles might be a bit dysfunctional. Magic says anyone can get a date, it's so difficult but not impossible to meet the right person. First off, I'm gonna say something that's not gonna be popular. I'm gonna say that the population of the singles in the age group of 50 and 60 is growing dramatically over the next 10 years. I think a significant percentage of those people will not find a suitable mate in their life. Now a big percentage of those people that won't find a mate, they're broken. Men and women alike broken and they have broken relationships. They won't have a health, juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. I think individuals that do personal development, self-help and spiritual work have the greatest chance for success. When they're not attached to the outcome, when they've done a significant amount of healing, those people have the greatest amount of success. There I said it. Hey, Doug is in the house. Hey, we got a guy in the house. What's he say? I like that. It's only hard if you make it hard. It can be so easy. It is. Apps are fucking loopy. Hard is only a construct if you choose to see it difficult. The antidote to hard. Well, you don't want to have an antidote to hard on, but the antidote to that is gratitude. It's an attitude of gratitude. I was listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza this morning. He talked about the importance of gratitude. In fact, there was a podcast. A client of mine sent me this morning. Let me find it for you all really quickly. Debbie was kind enough to share this with me. But the podcast was called Gratitude and how this is Joe Dispenza. What's the title of this? It just looked up Joe Dispenza and gratitude. Highly recommend that. Someone write that in the chat box. Joe Dispenza and gratitude. All right. Hey, who wants to join the hot seat right now? Or is anyone brave enough to join me live? I just put a link there below. I want to give Scarlett some props. He just gave us a $4.99 super sticker. Folks, let's give Scarlett some props. We are $15 away, $15 away from hitting that goal. Maybe we should up that goal to 100. Jennifer's in the house and she says, do you think people stay in unhappy relationship due to fear of being alone? I have a childhood friend in a 20-year marriage and looks depressed all the time. Absolutely. People stay in miserable relationships for fear of being alone. The sad part is we all, someone dies first. In her case, it might be a blessing. Oh, that's so disingenuous there. Yeah, people stay in miserable relationships because better to have something mediocre than to be single for a lot of people. Okay. Let's keep going here. Lee's in the house. I've been dating a really great guy, but sometimes I need a day or two alone. How do I say that nicely without hurting his feelings? Hey, I need a couple of days on my own to recharge my batteries. You know, you could use the Oreo cookie method. Hey, Tim, I just want you to know how much I appreciate our relationship. And I love the time that we're together to connect. I also recognize that there are times I need for myself. And this has no relationship or bearing on how I feel about you as a person. I genuinely care about you. But there are just some times I want some alone time. And I'm sure you might feel the same way. It's okay if we make an agreement with one another that we, you know, once or twice a week we have some alone time. And we can certainly connect via text messaging or, you know, check in in the morning or check in at night. But I know I need some alone time on occasion and I'm sure you do as well. Does that work for you? A grown up person will appreciate that. A broken person will absolutely freak out. A control freak, a user will freak out. You'll get a lot, by the way, asking a request and seeing how we respond gives you insight into the health of this relationship in the future. That would be a simple way to approach that. Ms. Quinn says, is it possible for two people who came from a broken family unit to have a successful life in partnership? How do you tell both you and your partner are healed? First off, absolutely. How do you tell they're healed? I've always noticed, do they get triggered frequently by, do they get triggered frequently and do they not know how to regulate their emotions? Do they have a charge based on their life? Do they repeat incessantly talking about their past life or maybe a past relationship? Those are just some of the ways I've observed people haven't truly healed because they're triggered all the time. They don't know how to regulate their emotions. They visit the past all the time. Those are just some ways that a person most likely isn't healed. And you might want to just go back and rewind this and write that down, okay? Scarlett wants to thank me for helping her identify the nice girl traits. Well, I'm happy that helped you. All right, thank you. Leaves wants to remind us, Dr. Joe Dispenza was on Lewis Howe, the School of Greatness again recently. Yes, I've seen one of his older videos. I liked that video, but Joe Dispenza has his own channel. Google, type into YouTube, Dr. Joe Dispenza and Gratitude. He talks about the vibrational frequency that when we're in a state of gratitude, we become a magnetic attractor for more of what our heart truly desires. But if our heart is broken, we'll attract more of that. And it's hard to be in a state of gratitude when we're feeling sadness in our hearts. Jennifer says, thank you for answering my question. You're very welcome. Lexi says, how do you find out if they want to marry on the first few dates? I want more than a commitment but not marriage. How do I ask that? What are you seeking in a relationship from a long-term perspective? What are you seeking? What kind of relationship are you seeking? Folks, I'm very clear I'd like to get remarried or definitely at the minimum, a spiritual marriage or live together with someone. At least to me, that's the closest thing. I know a lot of people in midlife are reluctant to merge their assets with another person. I get the concern about that. But in my opinion, what's the point? I don't want to have a girlfriend that I have to go drive to her house with a bag of clothes. I want someone where, I mean, maybe for the first year, I was traveling back and forth, but at some point I liked living with someone. I think to me, that's, look at my mom and dad, for the last 20 years of their life, they sat at the Barker Lounger. They talked all day watching TV and they took trips together. They were with each other every single minute of the day. Went to doctor's visits together. They went and visited their grandchildren together. They did everything together. When I get to a certain age, I just want to hang out with my partner. That's the whole fucking point. I'm not dating to get laid. I'm not dating for a short-term mating strategy. I have a long-term mating strategy and I invite you all to have a long-term mating strategy in mind. That's my invitation for you all anyway. You're very welcome, Ms. Gwen, for me answering your questions. I wish I could super chat, but it's not available in my country. Oh, okay. Let's see. Melanie asks, what about not discussing past bad relationships? Well, I'm going to be candid with you. The past somehow gives us insight into a person. There are choices in their past. Would you go? Let me ask you something. If you were going to be paying someone a quarter million dollars to work for your company, would you want to know about their past employment? Would you want to maybe check references? By the way, we would do this in a professional capacity. Why wouldn't we do this in our personal capacity that has greater consequences? Our emotional well-being has greater consequences than dollars in a checking account, okay? And yet we will check someone's resume, we'll do background check form, but we won't do this in our personal life. Is this fucking insane? We should absolutely find out as much as we can about this person, particularly their past relationships because that gives you insight into how they operate. And anyone who says differently is cuckoo in my mind. I'm not saying you're cuckoo, Melanie, but I believe people are that believe otherwise. Oh, and those who believe otherwise dismiss, they actually usually have something to hide. Someone who's afraid to speak about their past, usually, usually speaking, generally speaking, have something to hide. And believe me, it always comes out in future relationships. Whatever didn't work in the last one goes unhealed. It'll happen again in the next relationship. Susan says, do you think keeping a spicy sex life requires mystery, suspense, edginess, or more transparency and talk? All of the above, I think it's rather, we humans can get kind of complacent with our sex lives, but I know a couple who, they've been married 55 years, they still have sex once a week, even after 55 years. Well, they were very experimental in their early stage of their life. They experimented with a lot of stuff, I can't say publicly, but I would say that they make a conscious effort to make love once a week, and they're now in their late 70s. And maybe it's once a month now at this point, I think actually one is 80 and the other one's 79. So yes, I think all of the above, Susan, great question. Jennifer says, I want to get married and say this to the universe. Absa fucking Lutely, I want to get married, I want my match, I'm, I want my match. That's it, match.com, I want my match. Kathy McVadden says, I definitely won't do long distance relationship again. Long distance relationship can only work with people who have flexible lifestyles, they have resources, they have a commitment or a plan, they have a plan of taking the distance from short, from long to short, and they're emotional grownups. And you've got a better chance of finding a dysfunctional person who wants a long distance relationship. I mean, it's the exception, not the rule, long distance dating rarely works. And usually the person who moves is making somewhat of a sacrifice and they might find themselves not happy where they move to. That's another thing you got to consider. It's all fun and games when it's a vacation, but when it becomes real, they just might not like where they move to. And I know that story very well. All right, let's keep going. Doug says, you're such a smart guy, Jonathan, to use a modern analogy, you're a bit like primetime in that you have a knack for keeping it real and people can relate. You know, it's funny, I was just having this conversation with someone. So folks, I want to be candid with you. I struggle sometimes with being, I feel as though I'm a pessimist when I'm drawing attention to all the potholes in front of you. And I realize that sometimes these potholes in front of us all is so daunting that we just don't want to make the cross, the trek, the path to finding a mate, to attracting a mate, to drawing that into our life. And I was speaking to a dear friend of mine and she said, Jonathan, yes, your mission in life is to create consciousness around dating, mating, and relating. That's your gift, is to draw consciousness, okay? And through that, I point out the potholes in a very humorous kind of way, a kind of a flamboyant, dramatic way, that's what I do on my channel. But what I realize is those that work with me, and by the way, if you want some support, check out the link to a discovery call with me. There's a link in the description below. Those who work with me, I teach them to drive around the potholes. That's my gift when I work privately with a client. My public persona, talk about the potholes. My private persona, learn how to weave in and out of the potholes to find your person. So, Doug, thank you for that kind comment. I really appreciate it. Leaves wants to remind us all of something I've said over and over again. We invest more time researching shoes, appliances, and vehicles than we do our life. And you know the sad piece leaves? People will give their bodies to another human being with little or no trust. Think about sex on a first date. You have no idea if this person has a venereal disease, if they have a capacity to, if they, you know, if they could get pregnant. I mean, there's so many things, and a lot of times in mid-life, people don't use condoms. So there's so much potential for risk. We will do more research for an appliance, even a fucking Yelp review on a restaurant than you will with a person in your life. And people are fearful of asking deeper questions. Let me tell you, grown-ups love grown-up questions. Only broken people and users reject questions. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. Dorisa says, you're just sharing your experience to help others. It's not pessimism. It's real. Thank you so much. All right. Here comes the dialogue. I hope Jonathan could cover. I don't see a dialogue. You know, folks, I'm actually getting kind of parched. I think this would be a great place to wrap up for tonight. By the way, if you have something to share, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If this resonated with you, write down, Jonathan, this resonated with me. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Please tell friends about it and hit that notification bell if you want to be notified for more. All right. I'm going to wrap up this video, as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love, because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thank you, McCoy and Leaves and Scarlett and June and Diana and Sherry, and Doug and Melanie and the Magic Entertainer and Susan. Everyone, big hugs to you all. Have a fab evening. Be well. Bye now.