 with E.L.S. The Abaddon Castello Program, starring but Abaddon Lou Costello. Brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco. The Abaddon Castello Program with the music of Carl Hoff and his orchestra are singing stars Amy Arnell and Bob Matthews, and spotlighting that chunky chubby little cherub, who went caught putting a bicycle pump in his Uncle Artie 7's coat because he heard him say he had a date for the flat tire. Calmly said, that's how last week Mrs. Niles gave us a job working here in her apartment hotel. Now, when are you going to start doing some work around here? Oh, I am working at it. What do you mean? Hey, is this tray? Yes. It's breakfast for the new town here in 202. Yeah. Here's your breakfast. What's the idea of throwing that tray of food through the ransom? Mrs. Niles says when anybody rents a room, we throw into a breakfast. No, no, no, you don't. Nothing of the kind. That's four trays I threw in. Well, you'll stop it. Mrs. Niles, man, that they have breakfast on her. They have breakfast on her? Yes, every morning, all the tenants have tomato juice, poached eggs, and syrup, and pancakes on Mrs. Niles. Gee, by lunchtime, she must be a fine-looking man. No. Will you get busy and do some work around this hotel? OK, but I'll get the right to work. All right. Call for Eddie Lamar. Call for Eddie Lamar. No, no, no, just a minute, Castella. Nobody wants Eddie Lamar. Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He got a yo-yo for Christmas. I am. Castella. Castella, the woman in the 204 wanted some ice water. Did you take it up to her? No, we were all out of ice water, so I took up an onion. You took her an onion? Yeah, that will make her ice water. But why, Castella, that was a pretty weak joke. I should have used two onions and made it stronger. Castella, you're wrecking this hotel. What's the idea of putting five men in room 21? You know there's nothing in that room but a dresser. Yeah, that's where they're sleeping in a dresser. You mean five men are going to sleep in drawers? No, one guy had a nice shirt. Well, you shouldn't have put those five men in one room. Yeah, but the place was crowded. You know last night I had to take the door up the hinges later across the chairs and sleep on it? How was it? Well, it was a little drafty around the keyhole. I out. Hey, it's really crowded over here in Hollywood, Abbott. You know that statue of Abraham Lincoln sitting in the chair across the street? Yes. I looked out there this morning. Lincoln was sharing the chair with Robert E. Lee. Look, when you stop this silliness, now you do need writers. Castella. And clean up this lobby. Grab that vacuum and start cleaning that rug. Oh, I love vacuum. Well, go ahead. Castello, Castello. Castello, look out. Castello for Mrs. Nile. Cat lying there on the rug. Yes. Hey, what happened? The vacuum inhaled up the cat. Look out, who? Yeah, yeah. Now what happened? I got the dog, too. Don't stand there, reverse the motor, and blow that cat and dog out of the vacuum. No, don't point it at me. Point it out the window. Point it out the window? Out the window. Oh, you idiot. Hello, speaking. This is the man in 310. Will you send me up an umbrella? An umbrella? Yeah, it's raining cat and dog. Castello, Castello, see what that man wanted to say. How do you do, sir? I'd like to read a room. Is this a modern hotel? Oh, yeah, we have all modern conveniences, including hot and cold running. Hot and cold running? Running what? I don't know. We haven't been able to catch any yet. Well, thanks for warning me. Here's a nilly for you. Hey, Lily, what will I do with it? You've got a pot for it, shorty. I'd like to invite that guy to sit on my barbed wire fence. And now look, Castello, what's the idea of letting that man get out of here? With a terrible housing shortage, we shouldn't have an empty room. Look, we'll see what kind of a hotel place you walk, all right? OK, OK. Now, look, you stay behind the desk. And I'll pretend I'm looking for a room. Now, here I come. Don't forget, I'm a customer. You're a customer. All right, now, pardon me. Good morning, Clark. Good morning. Could you give me a room? Why, certainly. Could you give me a bath, too? No, you'll have to wash yourself. There you go, getting crushed with a customer. No, you got crushed with me. What's the idea of asking me to give you a bath? You didn't ask me to give me a bath? I know how to wash myself. You do, eh? Then tell me something, Mabek. You wash yourself with your right hand or your left hand? With my right hand. Now, ain't that funny? Now, you soap. Well, you stop it. Well, please stop it, Lou. Get serious. I'm going to give you one more chance. Now, get it right this time. Now, here I come. OK. Good morning, Clark. Could you let me have a nice room? Yes, I can. And it has a lovely shower. I don't want a shower. I'd rather have an old-fashioned tub in my room. Bring her in. Your wife is welcome in. I am. Well, get from behind that desk, you dope. I'll show you how a real hotel, Clark, conducts himself. Now, here. Now, you be a man looking for a room. OK, here I come. All right, you're the customer. Yeah. Good morning. Would you like a room? Yes, we would. Wouldn't we, dear? Yes. We want the finest room in the whole town. Read them in a, Castella. What are you doing? I'm a married couple. I'm playing both parts. Dear, this is Mr. Abbott, the clerk. My, he's stupid looking, isn't he? Now, cut that out. Cut it out, Castella. I didn't say anything. She said it. Now, cut that out. You're not married. Young man. Castella, will you cut it out? You know you're not married. No, I'm not. I guess I'll tell you, dummy. What about the room? We will need it now. My wife just left me. Here's what happened. Three leading independent research organizations put a direct question to 113,000 doctors. Physicians, surgeons, neurologists, nose and throat specialists, Park Avenue doctors, and country practitioners. Every type of doctor everywhere. The question was, which cigarette do you yourself smoke, doctor? The brand most named was Camel. Why not check Camel's cool throat welcome mildness and rich, full flavor on your own T-zone? That's T for taste and T for throat. Your own T-zone may tell you why this is so. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camel's than any other cigarette. Yes, Mrs. Niles? Mr. Abbott, I gave you and Castella a room in this apartment hotel on condition that you two do some work around this place. Oh, we are working, Mrs. Niles. In fact, Castella's up on the seventh floor, washing the windows. Castella, what are you doing? Hey, we're standing on a window ledge. Washing the windows. Well, what happened? I stepped back to admire my work. I don't know how to get this lobby cleaned up. Oh, I wish I could stay here and keep an eye on you. But I have to go to the beauty parlor to have my hair cut. Well, if you want to stay here, I'll take your hair over for you. That's enough, Castella. Get to work. Castella, I want you to stop in selling Mrs. Niles. You understand? Yes, sir. Hey, hey, look, Castella. Bestie May Muccio just drove up in front. See if you can help her out. Hello, Mr. Muccio. Can I help you with your things? Oh, thank you. I'm very weary. I was over to the Hollywood Country Club playing a game of golf. Did you say golf? Ah, sure, Robbie. You know what golf is. That's where you ruck around with a hoodie and a big booger clues. How was your game today, Mrs. Muccio? Well, I did excellent with my brothy. But I just couldn't handle my moshies. How did you do with your pooter? Get up to my boudoir and take my afternoon nap. Yes, you do look a little shloopy. It's a new much as grassy as to you. And you're far as much faster you, too. Hello, Clark, this the man in 404. I'd like to leave a six o'clock call. Well, all out of six o'clock calls? Well, then call me twice or three. I'm up three times or two. I'll get him mixed up. Hey, look at those, Castella. Here comes a couple. OK. Take their luggage. Right. How do you do? How do you do? We'd like to get a room. We're Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Ah, I'm glad at that. We've been having an awful lot of Joneses lately. Quiet, Castella. You see, we're newlyweds. Aren't we, Rodney? Yes, Genevieve. See about you, Rodney, I love to run my fingers through your curly hair. Trust me on his chest. Look, Clark. Uh, Clark. Please, Clark, the people in the lobby are laughing. Clark, we'd like to have a roomsy-womsy for me and my ify-wify. Wouldn't we, lovey-dovey? Yes, you westy, hubby-wovey. Well, shine your nancy-wancy on the bookie-whoopie. Hey, remind, Castella, show Mr. and Mrs. Smith to room 200. Yes, bellboy. I'll take my suitcase and you grab my wife's trunk. Right. See that Mr. and Mrs. Smith are comfortable and report back to the desk right away. Follow me. Here is your room. Thank you, young man. Here's a dime for your trouble. Good day. Good day. Thank you. Ah, Genevieve. Ah, Rodney. Here we are, alone together. Well? Would you like a big picture of ice water? No. Good day. Good day. Ah, Genevieve. Ah, Rodney. At last we're alone. All day I've been waiting for just one little kid. Well, what is it now? How about a small picture of ice water? No, no. Good day. Good day. I think he's gone now. You'll have to talk a lot of ice in here. I'm shoving you. I'm shoving you. OK. You never touch any hunk to ask. Now get out and stay up. Thank you, Rodney. Oh, Genevieve, come here to me. All day I've waited to fold you in my arms and tell you how lovely you are. Oh, my own little bride. Oh, Rodney, you're the most wonderful man I've ever met. You're my own darling, darling husband. Well, what is it? I have a color for you. Take it back to the lobby, you dope. I'll get it later. Yes, sir. If that idiot knocks on this door again, so help me. I'll open the door and tear him to pieces. Oh, the silly boy's gone. I hope he is, dear. You fat-headed idiot. You're driving me to destruction. What in heaven's name do you want now? And you? Tomorrow is February 15, and we salute the birthdate of a great man, a great humanitarian, and a great doctor, Silas Weir Mitchell. His work in nerve symptomatology, therapy, and nerve surgery is known to practically every man of medicine. So this tribute to him and to the men who have followed him, hewing further, ever further, into the wilderness of the unknown paths of knowledge Dr. Mitchell first blazed. The makers of camels cannot help but be proud that a recent nationwide survey of 113,000 doctors by three leading research organizations showed that more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Which cigarette do you yourself smoke, doctor? Was the question asked. The brand most named was Camel. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. All off of the camel orchestra join lovely Amy Arnell with a hit from the bells of St. Mary. Aren't you glad you're you? Every time you're near a rose, aren't you glad you've got a nose? And if the dawn is fresh with dew, aren't you glad you're you? When a metal arc appears, aren't you glad you've got a nose? And if your heart is singing you, aren't you glad you can see a summer sky? Or touch a friendly hand, or taste an apple pie? Heart in the grammar, but eat like friends. And when you wake up each morning, aren't you glad that you were born? And think what you've got the whole day through. Aren't you glad you're you? Camel, but it is. Oh, OK. Come on, Castell. I get up and take your shower. I'm not going to take any more showers. I don't like that stalled shower. What's the matter with that stalled shower? You'll just open the door once. Hey, wait a minute. What's that horse doing in the bathroom? It must be a plug for the bathtub. Hi. Let's get down to the desk in the lobby and get to work. Come on. Hey, Abbott. I wish we didn't have to work today. I wish it was summer and I was going down to the beach. Remember when I took Ruby pool cue down at a beach last summer? Yeah. What fun I had burying her in the sand. Yeah. Gee, I'd like to sit down there again this summer. What for? It's time to dig her up. All right. Hey, look, Castell, it's her old friend, Scotty Brown. Would you like a room, Scotty? No, I just came over to use your shower bath. Oh, that would be 50 cents for the bath towel. Oh, I don't need a towel, Lottie. I brought along a box of carpet tax. Carpet tax? Aye. I spread them on the floor and they make me jump up and down and it drives me off every time. Well, then I'll have to charge you a nickel for a bath towel. Oh, I won't need that either, buddy. I had to fight with my wife and work myself into a lather. Castell, you should have charged him for the water. Oh, he wouldn't use that either. He's got water underneath. Hey, that's the switchboard, Castell. Answer it. OK. Hello, room service. Oh, God. Castell, what's the matter? What about the bees? What about the bees? There's a swarm of bees in Mrs. Niles' room. Good heavens. What are you going to do about it? Nothing. The bees will just have to defend themselves. Are you idiot? Those bees will sing into death. Come on. We've got to get up there. OK, Mrs. Niles. What do you want? There's bees in Mrs. Niles' room. So what? I've got beetles and bats in my room. Who was that? Ray Malan. A young man, do you know what to do for a bee sting? No, I don't. Well, first you pull the stinger out, then you wash with antiseptic, spread some mud on the sting, wrap it in gauze, lie down, and keep quiet. Wait a minute. You asked me. I asked you what? What do you do for a bee sting? Well, first you put out the stinger, wash it, and get the best of mud out of it. Look at me. The bees put all those bumps on my head. Don't worry, Mr. Niles. Now you won't have to wear your high heels. You're too much a scholar. Castell, put your ear to the door and see if the bees are still in Mrs. Niles' room. See if you can hear them buzzing. Yes, Abbott. Go ahead. I can hear them buzzing. Then the bees must be in there yet. I wouldn't be too sure about that. But you heard the buzzing, didn't you? Yeah, but I hear that all the time. I. I. It's Bessie. It's Bessie Mae Muccio. Miss Muccio, are the bees in your room, too? Yes. They flew in the window of my boot wall while I was putting on my stokings. Stokings? Yes, Abbott. Stokings. That's those me-loon things the girls were on their locks. Leaves. Leaves. Just look where one of those naughty bees stung me on my knees. Ah, those bees sure hang around some classy joints. Yeah. Well, don't stand there, Castella. Get in that room and chase the bees out. Why don't you go in, Abbott? Well, I'm allergic to bees. I can't even stand to eat bees, honey. Nobody asked you to eat bees, darling. I. Look, you idiot. Who's going in there and chase those bees out? Castella, all you have to do is go in there and lure the queen bee out the window, and the rest of them will follow. Yeah, but I don't know a queen bee from any other bee. You don't? No, why should I? That's something that would only interest another bee. Castella, are you going to act like a coward in front of all these people? I'll get in that room and chase the bees out. OK. Go ahead. Oh, boy. Look at all the bees in here. You can hardly count them all. That's true. Four, eight, nine, 10, 25, 26, 27, 28. Oh. That was bee 29. Keep dead. Goose got me. Was it bad in there, Castella? Bad? I saw a couple of mice under the bed, digging foxholes. Castella, Castella, quick. Get that bee off me. Grab something and swat it. Here goes. Oh. Not with us lamp you idiot. The bees are dead. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Whoever heard of a bee, a talking bee. Well, you've heard of a throwing bee. What? Oh, there's a queen bee. She's lying on that chair. I'll get her this time. Oh, oh, ow. What are you yelling for? I'm sitting on a bee. Is she string or me? Well, if she's string, you want to get up. I'm hurting her as much as she's hurting me. Hey, what's that? Good night. Here comes the rest of the bees back through the window. They're coming back to the. What? What happened? We'll be back for camel cigarettes in just a moment. And now, tonight's salute to the men in the armed forces who won through to victory. Tonight, we hail the men of the 86th Black Hawk Division, heroes of Dark Hall, Ingolstadt, and southern Germany. Since the beginning of the war, we have sent over 150 million free cigarettes to our fighting men overseas. But now, with demobilization and progress, free camels are sent to surface men's hospitals instead. Tonight, the camels go to United States Naval Hospital, Maryland, California, U.S. Army Camp Edwards Convalescent Hospital, Massachusetts, U.S. Marine Hospital, Mobile Alabama, and Veterans Hospital, Waukesha, Wisconsin, in your honor, men of the 86th Black Hawk Division. Cast go out to the United States twice a week, or rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. Now, here are Bud Abbott and Lou Cosbello with the final word. Well, we had fun with the bees tonight, didn't we, Lou, eh? Yes, Abbott. And the audience was swell, too. You know, folks, children under 14 years of age are not allowed at these broadcasts. So I'm going to give everybody here a record of our show so that they can take it home and play it for the kids. No, no, not that. You want to play it with my kids? No! No! No! No! No! What are you running for? Are you afraid I'll outsmart you again? Listen, Fatso, I can stick you every time. Tell me, what's the difference between a jeweler, a prison guard, and a washboard? I don't know. What is the difference between a jeweler, a prison guard, and a washboard? A jeweler sells watches. A prison guard watches sells. Now, what's the washboard for? That's for a big tub like you are. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. You're tuned in next week for another great Ambulance Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, try Camels in your T-Zones. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a T. C-A-M-E-L-S-E. Pipe smokers, what's the world's most popular pipe tobacco? Prince Albert, of course. Prince Albert for choice, mellow, flavorful tobacco, crimp cut for slow, cool burning, and specially treated to take out tongue bite and sting. Switch to Prince Albert for more smoking pleasure. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opry, Coast to Coast on NBC. Be sure to listen to this very same time next week for the Ambulance Costello show for Camel Cigarette. This is Ken Nile, doing Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.