 Mae'r boi yn Ysela, mae'n ddod o'r rhain gwneud, rwy'n ddod y ffordd, mae'r boi yn Lleidgell yn Ysela i'r bobl, rwy'n ddod o'r 13 oed, a'r gyfnod yslawni'r cyfnod sy'n gyfnod ymlawni'r cyfnod, a'n dda i ymddorol o'r gyfnod, a'r gyfnod i'r cyfnod i'r cyfnod, a ddim yn ymddorol i'r prif. Mae'r gweithio'r cyfnod i'n milynau, yslawni'r cyfnod, I'r lleidwyr MK Ultra a all y lluniaethau deslyweddau a'r leidwyr ddeudau i gyfer drwg ac esbu'r gyferwyr arno. Felly mae'r lleidwyr bod yma'r rhai sydd rwy'n gwybod i'n gofynu'r rhai sydd a'r lleidwyr yn ystyried o'r fiyth. Mae'r lleidwyr yn gwybod a'r lleidwyr i'w lleidwyr, ac mae'n gofynu'r lleidwyr i'r lleidwyr sydd o'r lleidwyr yn gwybod i'r lleidwyr. Ac Lord have seen the records and everything. I've found out that it was perfectly bloody true. Number one. And today's guest has Steven Smith. I want to say thanks for coming on the show. Thank you very much mate. Listen, a ridger book, The boy in the cellar. It's a heart breaking read, very powerful for a boy who was, kept in the cellar by his mum and dad for 13 years. Went to a psychiatric ward as well, yn eirfer y year over a year, Aston Hall, a then after that you end up involved with priests, so you were abused from the first 17 years of your life because it was very grim and the fact that you've wrote this book and telling your story is unbelievable and very powerful so congratulations. Thank you. How've you been? Great, great, it's been weird but it's been an adventure. A world wind. Yeah, yeah, this last year and a half you wouldn't believe how crazy it's been but hey oh I've done it so here we are, I'm talking to you now, who'd have thought that? Lucky bastards. So I always go back to the start of my guess Stephen, how it all began then when you get kept in the cell for 13 years, do you remember your first memory? Not really first memories, it's like, I tell you what it's like, it's like getting this book knowing it's about me but there's pages missing and then you remember a bit of it, you remember a page and then there's like 10 pages missing and then there's another page and then there's a couple of pages missing and then there's another page, it's like snippets of memory rather than anything. Up until when I got to about maybe seven years old then it starts to get a bit better. What was your first memory then, at seven? First memory at seven was when I went to the hospital to have this arm repaired because my dad had broken it. Up until then there's bits of memories and stuff like from him calling to tell him it was going to release the dog and being beaten up all the time. But you see I say to you now being beaten up but back there to me it actually seemed normal, do you know what I mean? For you, whatever happened to you when you were a kid was normal and for everybody else, whatever happened to you when you were a kid until you start to realise things aren't actually the way they are, you think it's normal and then all of a sudden this thing clicks into your brain that says well actually this isn't normal but it takes a long while for you to realise that what is normal to you isn't normal to everybody else. So in the book your dad broke your arm, I'll not give too much of the book. He broke a lot of fracture of me's skull and did all sorts of stuff. But that was the first time you'd been out the house? No, when I was one I'd had tuberculosis and I'd been in hospital for a year but obviously I don't remember that. When I was two he'd fracture me's skull with a hammer and I was in hospital with a fractured skull for however long but obviously I don't remember that. And there's all sorts of other stuff that we've found in my medical records since that I don't remember, even though it says in my records I was in hospital for X amount of time with this bone broken, that bone broken, I don't remember it. So it's not until later on that I remember stuff like in solid lumps. Yeah cos I think the first thing you went to the hospital at 7, the one you can remember when you started seeing trees and stuff you were mesmerised. Yeah and someone told me a name. Yeah, you're not going to need a name either. You just used to say when he came in cos he used to come down the cellar and he'd bring me books that I had to copy, write him, I had to sit and copy writing stuff out for hours on end, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times. And he just used to come down and call me, he just used to call me a dog and he'd lock me in the outside, tore it down the yard and stuff and say he was releasing the dog and stuff like that. Just mental torture as well as physical. What was your dad like then? Did anyone ever come over to the house or was it just you? I can't remember my mother. She disappeared when I was about 10 years old and I couldn't tell you what she looked like now. Did you ever get answers why you kept in the cellar? No one understands why. I've had loads of people offer me up all sorts of theories. And some people say it's cos he was religious. I don't know. Some people say it was because my mother weren't married when I was born. But again, I don't know. I literally don't know cos they're long dead. And there's no one can make any heads and tails out of it. And I've had loads of people when I was younger, social workers and psychiatrists and doctors. And they all try and quote me reasonable explanations but at the end of the day no one knows. And I'll never know. Because when you were in hospital as well Stephen, the doctor asked you what happened and you were so close to telling them what happened but you changed your story. Was that with fear? Cos I knew what had happened to me when it got me back home. Was it just beating after beating every day? Was there food? Did you have much food? No, not a lot. That's why when it goes on into the book about me escaping from the cellar during the day when they were at work I used to sneak out and I found cos it was like a latch on the door and me being a clever little sod I'd got a pencil and I could push the pencil through and lift the latch from the other side so the door would open. And I used to sneak out and get into the pantry cos I didn't have fridges back then. It was just a pantry with stone shells in it and food was kept in there so I just used to sneak in there and help myself. So when you were 13 you eventually people came and got you to take you away from your house. How did they know that you were there? No idea. No idea. No one has told me, no one has explained anything. They just turned up one day, two social workers and a copper and they took me out and they put me in a blue Ford Anglia and that was it then I was taken off to a place called Ashley Arts. Were you relieved then thinking I'm free or did you not quite understand? No, I think I was in like shock for the first week. Maybe not the first week, the first few days when I got to Ashley Arts and I was surrounded by loads of other kids at Ashley Arts and it took me a while to get used to that idea that I was in there and then Milner turned up with another psychiatrist called Ratcliff. He interviewed me for one for a better word. Had me sit because by then I could draw really well because that's all I got in Michelle that was drawings that I could do. Milner turned up with a chap called Ratcliff and a couple of days, well a week or so later I was taken off to be one of Mr Milner's kids at Astonol Mental Hospital so I went from the fire into the frying pan. Yeah and that's again you're thinking I'm free, I'm going to get help not realise that this place Aston House was drugging news using the experiment. Astonol was run by a chap called Milner, Kenneth Milner. At the time, I mean I didn't know us at the time I've only found us that many years later he used to do a thing called narco-analysis on you and you will take upstairs into a little side room you were fastened, tied up, naked on a mattress on the floor it'd come in, get an injection in the arm wait a few minutes then put a mask over your face and it had like gaws in it and he'd drip ether onto your face and basically it was like you were on a really good acid trip because you were proper stoned and he'd talk to you, ask you questions but you didn't know whether you were coming or going you were absolutely shit-faced, stoned out your mind this is what Soju Amatold does to you I didn't know that then and then sometimes I'd wake up and I'd have my knees tied together and my wrists tied together and I'd be covered in marks all over my legs on the back side where he'd obviously been belting me because when my dad, I was an expert on the marks that belts leave and I could, you know, white line down in the middle already in the side, all that shit so whatever he was doing involved emitting me while I was unconscious in this stoned state and I was there for a year and four months and they were drugging the kids there all of us, some kids even went missing but loads of kids weren't missing loads of kids there were tales that obviously these places kids tell each other tales when you knew there especially and one of the tales was that Milner had made some, because the river Trent flowed through the grounds and Milner had told these kids under the influence of his drugs to go and walk into the river and drown the cells and they had and it worked at me at the time it was a scary tale, but you didn't know if it was true or not and it's only since all this stuff about Milner came to light and I've seen the records and everything that I found out that it was perfectly bloody true So this Milner ran Aston Hall for 30 years so many people came forward as well and told their story but he would use it as the psychotic I'm not right in the head and we'd get away with it but he's also had connections with Jimmy Savill and Aston Hall well I don't know where true all that is but I've been told that Jimmy Savill was one of the people that had dealings with the place there were loads of other folk who used to turn up you didn't know they were it was much like Williams later on folks turned up in suits, wandered around and bogged off but in the meantime Milner got away with doing whatever he wanted to do kids as young as 12 you speak about being friends with a spider that's a micella did that get you through do you think to have still been here just now the spider all I got in the seller was me and my imagination and it's the fact that I paint a lot now and all the rest of it but I've always been this artistic thing creative and one of the shrinks that I saw a few years back said that it was because I got this really creative mind that I managed to invent a will for me to go into and the saving grace for everything that happened to me was the fact that I've got this according to the shrinks I've got a thing called disassociative disorder which means that matter what happens to me I can turn it off you know I just this thing kicks in I can shut down any sense of responsibility or anything just get on and do the thing in front of me and get it out of the way so that's to kind of take you away from the reality the pain and misery you're going through just to take you to a different place and tell yourself that you're okay things are going to be better honestly Stephen your story even sitting here with this dream you've got is unbelievable and I take my heart off to you brother it may be crazy for people to understand but for you speaking out there's going to help so many other people well this is the thing especially blokes I've found I want more blokes to come forward because they think you see someone looks like me coming forward and saying look this shit happened to me and I was only a kid I couldn't do anything about it then they can come forward and say well I'm the same as you I was only a kid and I couldn't do anything about it you speak about one of the words in Aston Hall is it Elm Elm where the screams and people what was that word like it was exactly the same as beach the one I was in except on the outside of it imagine a tennis court size area with a tennis court wire mesh fence all the way around it and a tennis court wire mesh roof over the top of it and out there there'd be all day long 24 hours a day or you could hear from Elm because it was all grown men by then they were all outside screaming non-stop they'd be sat there wanking non-stop some of them would be there naked wandering around some in straight jackets some of them fastened into really big eye back chairs that they used to have screaming it was like a vision of bedlam it was as scary as anything you could possibly imagine for young lads to be faced with that and if you didn't tow the line in beach then the staff would say right well carry on misbehaving you're going to end up in there with them yeah because one of your stories you were fighting well somebody was trying to bill you but you've been through that much shit anyway getting hurt was nothing it just bounced off me so you cracked up and gave him but you were scared to get putting that Elm fucking Elm Street at night so you were in there just for over one year did anybody ever come in and investigate or try and look around I think in all the length of time I was there social workers turned up three times to see me and they'd stay for about half an hour then fuck off did they ever ask you is there anything going on they'd ask you all sorts about what it was like if you liked it and it didn't matter what you told them because whatever it was you told them they weren't going to take any notice they just came filled out the forms say they'd been fucked off do you think they were involved also I'm sure they knew what was going on so that doesn't just end from there from being in the cell for 13 years and then Aston Hall getting abused then you went to what's the name of the St William's school market in New Yorkshire and that was with the priests and then they were abusing you and then renting you out as well to paedophile rings and you called that from the frying pan to I started in the fire, went to the frying pan and then back into the fire into the pit of hell that is the pit of hell again mate for you to still be here and tell your stories I'm speechless there's loads of lies in there that weren't because as the lawyers have told me these to come round to a boat to take statements and stuff walk back at the house then before we built the boat and they tell us tales of lads that were in St William's that were in some of the worst prisons in England and still are some of them would be called murderers some of them they couldn't find they don't know what they'd died gone off somewhere and died never been found yet and all sorts of shit happened from the St William's days and that priest he's still alive, he's imprisoned just now he's imprisoned, he's doing ars end of 30 years for what he did close to I think over 100 people came forward and there's hundreds of us came forward so what was the experience like in there, how old were you then? well I went there I was a little over 14 14 and a half and this was priests with abuse and everybody there no they didn't, as far as I know they didn't but there was loads that they did folks would turn up in the choosier you'd be playing because of like a quad in the middle of the place with an archway that got onto the yard all the buildings all the way around it imagine a really old Victorian like public school basically big arch that you went under to get to it folks would turn up in the big posh cars kids would be playing football and Carragor and his mates would be sitting there and they'd be choosing I like that one and that was that and then sometimes they'd get you at St William's itself and have you there or other times they had a cottage on the north Yorkshire moors in the middle of nowhere and they'd take you up there but the cottage on the Yorkshire moors was next to some cliffs real steep ones and the tale was there that if you didn't do as you were told you got chucked off the cliffs and again there was a story to back it up that Carragor told everybody oh so and so I threw him off the cliffs and he died and there are other stories back at St William's there's a thing there called the departments engineering department, painting department building department and farm builders department had a big garage big door garage and it was full of sand and the tale was that a couple of kids had gone in there and dug the cells like a cave into the sand and it had collapsed on them and killed them both Carragor's tale was that he used to tell everybody was I buried them in that sand and you can join them and kids being kids at these places the tale got passed on to each generation as new kids came into the place to drill fear into the kids to get them to do what they want just basically grooming them from the get go to the drug use in there there was no use it was just violence in St William's so after all that then how did you manage to break free from St William's because one day social worker turned up and said we're sorry to tell you Steve's dad's dead right what do you want me to do about that if it had been there I would have killed him anyway because by that time I was a big tough bloke and I wasn't scared of him at all anymore it seemed far worse than him but he died and then a couple of days later returned up again got me bag of stuff and very important me records and stuff and the music that was really important to me at that point because up until being in St William after all I'd never heard music but one of the nurses there bought me a record player and he bought me three records with it one was a Hortwyn Roadhawks which is part of the band that I'm in now we all explained was a Hortwyn then he bought me Black Sabbath Volume 4 or was it? and he bought me an album called Suck It and See and an album called Gun Race with the Devil and they were the ones that set me off on my love of music because up until then I'd never heard music luckily the bloke like proper music and not otherwise I could have been into bloody abber and all sorts in which case I wouldn't have been sat here talking to you but luckily the man was into proper music so there we go anyway I packed my records up packed my record player up that I'd still got from Mr Brad Regine at me back at Aston Hall that took me back to where I was from then Ena it was and they got me a flat at the back of a pet shop which was the scariest place ever if you ever slept behind it had a flat in a pet shop back in the 70s because back in the 70s you could keep every animal known to man and the pet shops were for all you could hear all night were parrots squeaking and animals squawking and dogs barking and shit like that it was like being at home today you slept in Ellum Street and people were screaming and getting tosser but the noises at dogs and animals just freaked out don't compare to things scampering around and squealing all night I'll tell you so obviously your trust issues and everything must have been shot to fuck to get to then and then having your freedom how was your mindset then did you ever feel like you feel like quitting or giving up or did you feel I never felt like giving up never ever and then to be mind they got me in the flat the social workers got me a job at a place called Smith's flour mill at Langley Mill which was a great big flour mill and I spent about two years there rumping around great big sacks of flour started drinking started with drugs and I spent 10 years being not a very nice person and then I thought I can't keep doing this my son was born so I stopped doing it and I decided I got to change and be a nice person rather than be an angry person because I've been angry for like 10 years I was as angry as fuck and all I did was drink, fight, fuck just a mask and stuff but I think that's I think anybody would give you a free pass for that Stephen because what you went through there's no words to describe what you went through so you're going to be angry you're going to be hating the world and why me but not realising that some people need to go to the darkest places to eventually find the light and then now you've got the light you can help guide others out of darkness well that's the old reason to do all this yeah kind of if some of the blokes look at me and think well if he can come forward then everybody else can do you ever speak to anybody from back in the day Aston House or St William's no since I did the book I've had a couple of messages off some lads from St William's saying that they don't want to come forward but thanks for bringing it out and keeping the fight going and we've now got a lawyer back on the case who's willing to take all these St William's cases back on because it was an independent report in 2018 found nearly 100 kids were drugs stripped and abused and that was only two years ago so it just shows you how long that's been open for how long 60 years, 70 years yeah Aston House was there for many many many years and Milner ran it not only that he worked at other psychiatric hospitals as well and there were other psychiatrists doing just as bad tests and things on kids at other hospitals but Milner used to say to us that we were mental deficients weren't it? mental defectives and therefore we were his property and at his disposal was his argument and he was testing these drugs now because they wanted to find the perfect truth serum that's what he was looking for Sodium Amatol was the one and either and that's what Milner was looking for he'd dedicated his entire life to using different drugs on kids you know I mean I've read reports that say that he used LSD on his as well and stuff like that well having technical LSD I can well believe it because it reminds me of being back then so I know exactly I can compare the two things together and know exactly what he was doing So was he just drugging kids to abuse them or was he actually searching for anything? It was proper researching into looking for a truth serum for the government and people and when you speak to Barbara later on she's going to bring you some paperwork I've seen the paperwork that she's got Barbara is like tenacious as a mad rat she'll not let anything lie and she's dug up all this stuff and it shows the connection between Milner, the American CIA a thing called MKUltra and all these other secret government department stuff where he was testing drugs and sending them reports so they got the perfect truth serum to use on enemy combatants was the term So they're picking innocent kids people who are vulnerable people who are causing trouble are kept in the cell and people think they're crazy so if they do run away or speak out the social workers, the police everybody you should tell them, tell them and tell them till you were blue in the face and not one of them gave a shit you could tell they knew and I swear to God they all knew but they didn't care because whatever our authority or power over them told them that certain people at certain places you don't take any notice of them when did you start opening up about this when did you start saying I need to speak to someone or just speak out because a lot of people bought a load of certain blame themselves probably about 15-20 years ago I had to tell my wife Gail because I have nightmares real real bad nightmares I wake up screaming and she's had to chase me up the street naked because while I'm asleep trying to get me back into the house and she's had to stop me smashing smashing windows and climbing out of bedrooms and pulling the furniture apart and you're in all sorts fair play for sliding by and you know but I had to act because my first wife Lorraine I'd never told she knew I had nightmares obviously but I'd never told her why and we weren't together very long in the end anyway so later on I thought well I'm going to have to tell her because it must be driving her mad every night me working up screaming and smashing off stuff and what have you and I'd got even after we got together I've got no tolerance for people talking down to me I've got no tolerance for people in authority but if anyone does anything that really pisses me off then again I've got no sense of what I shouldn't do to them I mean one night we were in pub and a blo had a pop at me for some identity and I picked him up and threw him over a pool table and got him by ars of his jeans and as he went the ars of his jeans went right the way down and he shot out of his jeans like a fucking cannon and the following day he came up to be there and he got a letter and he signed it and it was a bill for his new jeans some people would pay for options for a lot of jeans now so that must have been but to open up to Gail then you must have knew right okay if I can open up to her then there's a trust the trust is there to not open up to anyone then it's trust issues obviously it must have been difficult for Gail cos she must have been thinking he's a fucking nutcase he is a nutcase but and then I went off and at the time I got a particularly good doctor and I told him some of it and he got me in to see this shrink woman who I mean I'm dead weary of shrinks anyway I mean the first time I had to go and see this Godsefella who's like one of the top shrinks in the country does mass murderers and folks I had to go and see him and he came out and shook her hand and told, what does he say to you I'm a remarkable man and I should have been dead years ago and he doesn't understand why I'm still alive that's what I thought but he explained to her and the other shrinks I always make him explain to her what's wrong with me cos A cos I don't take it seriously I mean the first words to Godsefella look I've got to come and talk to you cos the lawyers have told me I said but I want to tell you now that I won't trust you cos a mad psychiatrist wasn't experimenting on me and tried to kill me and then I had to explain to him and then he knew all about Aston all anyway cos it's like required learning now among shrinks of what Milner was doing to us It's scary that those people in high pubers can get away with such violent and dirty crimes that the scary thing is it's happening now and even more so Somewhere around now it's happening right now in one place cos it's a lot more people are speaking out about it because the mainstream media haven't really got as much power as they did to brainwash people and feed people what they wanted a lot of people now have the freedom of speaking out and bringing hope and inspiration to other people like yourself so that 10 year period Steven when you were free and you were out and you were angry and full of drugs and drink he says when your first son was born is what changed your mindset and going wait a minute I've got some I've got a life here I thought can't keep doing what I'm doing otherwise I'm never going to get to see my kids grow up and that's what I did I just said I've done it all done and I concentrated then on my painting my music and all the other stuff I used to do working all the rest of it and I just start and look after my kids because obviously the stuff that you went through you've had to realise ok if I'm not there for my son potentially that could happen also do you sell your art or anything can you put links for people to look at it or buy it the best place to find it is to go on my facebook page ok what's the name of your facebook page it's just Steven Smith and there's a photo of me on it so you can't miss it because I've got one rule I've stuck to all my life much to her annoyance matter what I paint or I do book covers video sleeves you name it I've painted thousands of bloody things everything that moves I've painted it I never ever charge more than say it's taking me a day to do a painting that painting I'll charge 40 qued and I never change that and I've had art galleries after me art galleries hate me they send me loads of requests don't they why don't you put some of your paintings in our gallery and I say well why because we can sell them for you say well it's not a gallery then is it it's a shop call it a gallery if you want but if you've got a price ticket on it then it's a shop so I refuse to have anything to do with people that do that I'd sooner sell a painting for a few quid knowing that it's going to hang on someone's wall because they love it and they want it then ever put one in an art gallery and that's what I do Do you think the painting saved your life? Oh yeah, yeah, painting and music definitely Fairly pay for you, do you remember the first time you started drawing or painting? Always, that's what I did in my cell and that's all I could do Yeah, just art just kept you going and just visualising that you were outside just believing that one day you would be out I mean a lot of the stuff that was outside I didn't know existed because it's hard to draw a tree if you don't know what a tree is because you don't know the name of it you don't even know it's green it's just a thing and it's not when you learn stuff as you get older and realise that that is a thing is a thing but for me it took a lot longer to learn that a thing was that thing because I didn't know the name of it and I didn't know what it was How did you learn how to read and write? That taught me You used to turn up with books you don't like old school writing books he'd come down he'd have written like a page on one side and I'd have to copy it like dozens and dozens of times and be able to read it and rewrite it and what have you and if I got it wrong then I'd get a good idea and he was saying with maths whatever you're just getting a hide and find so how do you, is there anything now in life that triggers you and brings back a lot of emotion memory for you that you can maybe put you in a downer a certain noise? There's certain smells I can't have near me you know fishermen's friends can't have them anywhere near me because they taste and smell exactly like the ether that Milner used to put on your face they remind me of that now when can't be doing with anybody give me orders or ordering me about or talking down to me or anything like that I just that completely yeah what else have I got that annoys me it sets me off I think we should get you a seat for this one cooking oh yeah I can't have anything near me can't have anything on my face because once at the hospital I'd asked for an attack once and I was in the hospital and it took ten nurses and doctors in there and my daughter screaming at the side of me to hold me down while I was throwing them all around and it was certainly because they wanted to put a mask on my face so yeah obviously but that's natural though that you wouldn't want that to happen we've got a thing now at the hospital on my medical records that says that they've got to and always get my own room now don't they I get taken straight to my own room to stay with me and nurses only come in if there's two of them and stuff like that but nothing I can do about it it's just in there how was it speaking about it how was it writing a book that bring back a lot of emotion for you a lot of misery and pain or did it make you feel good to get it off your chest it made me good to feel good to get it off my chest but it made me for a while I felt really angry that well I say half of them half of the folks in there are dead because I'd still I mean put me in a room we carry going I'd still like to throttle him even though he is eight years old whatever the hell he is now because he got sentenced I was reading it over the last few days he already did that 14 years and this is three times he's been in then the cop has found some more cases of taking him back to court and he gets fined guilty he gets sent back to prison I've never ever had a cop have come up to me and asked me to write a statement about what happened to me at St Williams and there's loads of us that haven't the only statements I've ever written have been for the lawyers and he's never been tried for what he did to me or loads of other lads they just took a few cases each time he's ready to come out you have another crown court day and he goes in there and then they put him back in prison so he's going to rot in hell basically he's going to rot in there if he ever does get out then there's more cases still there but that's a good idea not to try them all at once because then it would only be one sentence but he's 80s anyway so he deserves everything he fucking gets so the book again when you're writing that that's the most vulnerable you could possible be bearing everything on to something that you know everybody else is going to read I've not allowed my sons to read it ever I have three sons and my daughter they wanted to read it and my youngest son New Year's Eve because all my family we all go out together me and my sons we really are a proper close family and we were at New Year's Eve and our Jacob the youngest he was crying and he's only read like the first half dozen pages hasn't he and I had to put my foot down and say look I know you know what's in there but there's nothing good going to come out of them reading about what happened to the dad middle lad he just gets angry and he wants to go finding them but like I said to him they're all old men or they're dead now so there's nothing you can do about it so that took a lot of me thinking about because I knew what effect it would have on me kids and I know what me mates are like because those were me mates they didn't know about any of this they knew some of it some of them did but not all of them and I was sort of worried what their reaction was going to be about all this stuff that happened to me it's a fucking brave thing to do but so far I haven't had one negative comment of anybody ever not one and rightly so which is sort of surprising how did Gail deal with it when you first spoke to her about it she just got used to the idea didn't you there's nothing you can do well because she was always against her the madness came from once everything became because it's such a fantastic story that it was almost like a year all right then it's just him once she spoke to the shrinks you see and because I always made a point of her talking to the shrinks because I ain't got a lot of trouble with what shrinks tell you you know it's all I'm being very mindful about this and very mindful about that you know whilst tapping on the back of the hand we have pen tapping on the back of the hand we have pen is going to fucking cue you after what shrinks tell you is bullshit the best people for folks like me to talk to are folks like me, fuckers that have been there you know all this psychiatric bollocks mumbo jumbo it's crap let them come down, talk to me go on the piss for me for a night have a laugh and then listen to me tell them what they should be doing with their lives and how you don't have to be a fucking slave to what people did to you when you were a kid when you were a kid you got no response you can't stop what's going to happen to you you've got no say in it they're going to rag you out they're going to do whatever they fucking want to you fucking decide make a decision say it I'm not going to go down that road that I went down with them fuckers I'm going to stand up for myself and that's what bloke's like you need to come forward and fucking say it I think a lot of people though they're scared like we spoke earlier I think a lot of people and it's scary to think that they blame themselves the question that was on the right was on the wrong so for anybody that's gone maybe through this listen to Stephen's story read his book and you can find the inspiration to come forward and expose people whatever happened to you when you're young you've got no fucking choice in it there's nothing you can do sure to killing yourself which just means they've won and it's like if I was in any way any way bar me now or screwed up by what they did to me then Carriga sat in his cell has got another victory over me even from all them years ago he's got yet another victory and I'm not going to give him that a millner in hell or wherever he is looking down if I think that he's affected me for all my life and screwed me up then he's got another victory they had their victories up until I was 17 no more Yr band, you're in a successful band you travel all over with the music like you spoke earlier it's potentially saved your life as well as the art, how did your band come about I've always had I love the music and stuff right from when I got given these records and I thought one day I'm going to be in Auckland that was my favourite band I've known I've known Auckland all my life obviously well since then and there I've played pretty much every ex-member at Auckland in my band now is deadfred who was in Auckland for years and those other folks coming guesswiers who were in Auckland for years so I've done that I had back then I've done it it's amazing that you have done it to grow the confidence as well to be standing on stages and singing in front of people because there's people who have been brought up in a great life who shit themselves to go on stage I've seen some really famous people backstage throwing up, haven't we? and they're like that because you've been in regs I just march straight on and get on with it I don't get a wang at a festival and famous it's the first time the only time I've ever done this there was a woman big woman she was Scottish strangely enough and she's got a wagon full of women's clothes so I went and got dressed as a woman I've got loads of photos I've put a 2-2 on a basket and it's still got me other hat on and these great big boots and none of the band knew I was going to do it and then there was a dark ledge onto the stage and it's all these people all waiting there and I was only going on to do 2 songs we are the rest of the band are playing away and we were doing I just want to be your dog by the Stooges and I marched onto the stage dressed as this woman grew up on the microphone and started singing the rest of the band shit themselves didn't know what they were doing and the audience went absolutely wild didn't they? and to this day I still get messages saying don't play a new festival people say are you going to do your woman thing because I made such an attractive woman I think it was the beard that did it so I've got no fear it's almost impossible to embarrass me it's just a powerful thing because you've used everything to your advantage it's a tough thing to do so going forward for the shoot everything you went through and you're funny clearly a fucking nutcase but yeah I'm going to go on this Stooges they're in mad but there you go for everything you went through and to releasing the book what are the things you got in the pipeline Stephen? I've got well as it happens while I'm in here talking to you right now the rest of my band are in the recording studio recording our new CD album for this year I'm supposed to be there singing it on the grounds I wrote the songs but I've had to come here and do this with you so now they've had to book an extra fucking day in the recording studio for £300 I'll make sure I put more on your songs where can people get your music or watch your music? we've got our own facebook page Captain Star Fighter and the Lockheeds and you can find us on there easy peasy but we play all over the place one festival after another and stuff you enjoy it then your passion brilliant I love it any talks of maybe turning this into a film? supposedly there's some guy from foreign parts America that's a... nope she's saying nothing she's saying nothing what is he? screenwriter yeah he's taking an interest in it but I don't know why all that works so I don't get involved that's her department over there it's weird though because the boy in a sailor I'm reading that I don't know why but I think of America when I read this it's like you don't really hear this in the UK one of the questions someone asked me they were on about someone in Belgium or Germany or somewhere they kept members of his family so I think there's a few of them I've never in fact I've never read anything like this from the UK so it's been an eventful brother and it's been an honour to sit here and share your story with me because I know you're a busy man now just to finish up if you get any advice for anybody who's maybe confused or struggling maybe getting abused or confused any advice you would have for them? tell people about it tell the people you love about it and don't hide it come out and stand there and say fuck you lot you're not screwing me up forever that's what people need to do brilliant Steven listen, you're an inspiration it's been an honour to meet this brother thank you and God bless we'll put all the links in the description for the books, Steven's Music, Facebook pages so get involved man and get the book definitely because it's a powerful read so thank you again brother cheers