 So today's video is more of a personal one. I'm reflecting on my personal journey through recovery for anorexia and thinking about what I've learned along the way. I feel I can do this now from a position of relative strength. I have been a healthy weight for about 18 months and things feel pretty good. So yeah, I feel able to reflect and hopefully some of this will be of interest or helpful. I often get asked to share a bit more about my personal journey. So here it goes. Number one is that for me, the key to sustainable recovery was actually getting the right diagnoses. So I had two diagnoses that really helped me during my last hospital stay. One of those was a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder and the other was a diagnosis of autism. And those diagnoses meant that my treatment was radically revised and that I was able to really make progress. So for a long time I've been yo-yoing in and out of relative wellness and very, very unwell with my weight. And we couldn't really get to grips with exactly what was kind of causing that. The post-traumatic stress disorder diagnosis meant that I realized I had to learn to manage to live with my past if I was going to manage to live in the present. I had to get to a point of relative mental and physical strength in order to be able to begin that process of dealing with that. And that was tough, but it has made a huge difference. Now I've been able to get there. The autism meant that in a very practical sense my treatment changed overnight very radically. We began to really understand a lot of the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, attitudes that I had towards food and weight, which didn't really make sense, didn't fit into the typical anorexic kind of mindset. And it was very difficult, therefore, to treat because we couldn't really understand it. And the autism diagnosis really helped to, yeah, uncomplicate a lot of that stuff. It also meant that simple things like I was being made to attend group therapy, which for me was actively quite harmful and very, very difficult to manage. And as soon as I had the autism diagnosis, then it was understood, okay, that's gonna be really tough. You don't need to do that anymore. So it made a real difference, yeah. And the other thing is that in terms of managing day to day now, it also meant that I have learned a lot more about what I can and can't do, what my limits are and how to manage those in a proactive and positive way. So I struggle a lot less with kind of overwhelm and burnout and that kind of thing now. So I don't crash in the way that I used to. I maybe could do another video sometime about the autism stuff. I find it quite hard to own that diagnosis because I'm so high functioning. And one of the things that people so often say about it is you'd never know. And yeah, that's great. You have no idea how hard work it is to be at a point where you'd never know and how hard just normal is for people like me. And the bit you don't see is kind of all of the kind of stuff that goes around that, how we manage to do normal each day. Anyway, yeah, we could do another video about that if you were interested, leave it in a comment. Number two is that I've learned that I can't be the person to judge how other people are gonna judge me. I have to let other people do that for themselves. So for the longest time, I was super secretive about my self-harm and my eating disorder and my anxiety and depression because I felt really ashamed of those things, particularly because I was an authority in these areas. I'd literally written the book on this stuff and yet I couldn't look after myself, it felt like. And so I kind of figured I would lose all credibility if I was open and honest about what was going on. I remember particularly vividly speaking one time to this room full of like 300 psychiatrists and I was updating them on the latest approaches to eating disorders. And they wanted me to stay for lunch because they wanted to chat over lunch. And I was literally like, I cannot do that. I cannot be around that food people and I know. And that was a point of which I was kind of in denial about what was going on with myself. But I do remember afterwards reflecting on, yeah, how ashamed I felt. But what I found is that being open and honest about this stuff, people have been so kind, so generous. And actually it has, if anything, enhanced some of my credibility because I talk about things not only from a professional point of view, but from the point of view of someone with living experience of these issues too. And actually sometimes I have to remind people that when I'm sharing my story, it's just one story. And all the rest of the stuff I share is based on lots and lots of research and interaction with many people. And so not to give too much credibility to my own story, if that makes sense. So yeah, people have not judged me as harshly as I feared they might. In fact, quite the opposite. So yeah, I'll need to allow people to make their own judgments. I'd have to say there's been a few notable exceptions to that, but those people who do not want to accept me as I am for who I am, I actually feel better having them out of my life. And that sounds really harsh, but it's a truth. Number three was that I have learned that I need to allow myself to feel. So for a very long time, it was very, very emotionally blunted. It was a coping mechanism because I have had a series of traumas in the past that were really difficult to manage with. And not allowing myself to feel meant that the impact of those was lessened. However, as I've gone through the process of beginning to understand and manage my trauma, and I began to allow myself to feel, I also found there were all sorts of other feelings I was missing out on. So kind of things like kindness from others and love and friendship, I've began to feel those in a whole different way than I ever did before. And that's been kind of overwhelming, but really, really lovely too. Like the love that I feel for my close friends, for my husband, for my children has kind of taken on a whole new sort of meaning really than it's ever had before in this last year or so. Number four, I have learned how important it is to learn to ask for help. I have historically been rubbish at that and it has meant often that I've crashed or that I failed to reach out to people who could help me and would willingly do so if only I would have asked. Because I felt ashamed or shy or that I wasn't deserving of that help. But you know what, I have amazing people in my life and if I ask for their help, they will gladly give it. Whether that is my followers on Twitter or it's my husband or it's my friend Joe on the end of the phone, whoever it might be, I have found if I ask for help, it will gladly be given. And that can be simple things. So sometimes it's me saying to my husband, I'm having a bit of a tricky day, any chance you can have lunch with me, he'll do it gladly, but he doesn't know to do it unless I ask. So asking for help has been a really, really big one. And if you're struggling with your own mental health and you're not good at asking for help, I would challenge you to try really, really hard to work on that. Because in terms of maintaining recovery, for me it's really key. Recognising when things are beginning to go like a little bit wrong and go help, I need some help. Here's how you can help me is a really important way forwards. Number five of things I've learnt is that there will be good days and there will be bad days. So I think I always had this blissful view of recovery as being there's perfect today and everything would be fine all the time, but that's just not realistic, that's not how it is. And so like, first of all, I've had to understand that, hey, there are good times, there are happy times and things don't have to be in this like, amazing state of awesomeness for you to have joy in the moment. So I've learned to find kind of joy in every day and also to like proactively try and create moments of joy and enjoy the small things and live in the moment with my kids, with my family, with my friends and that kind of thing. But also I have learnt that there will be tough days and that's okay, that's a reality, that's life really. And that some days will be really hard and that on those days I need to ask for help and sometimes it's just about hunkering down, staying safe and waiting for the next day because generally for me now, these things will pass as long as I'm kind to myself and I give myself space and time to get better. So yeah, there are good days and bad days and coming to realisation that that's just a fact and that probably will always be the case has been really important. Otherwise what had tended to happen in the past is as soon as I had a slightly tough day, then I kind of figured out it's back to square one. It's not the case, it's just this and you know what, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay. So there you go, five things I've learnt during the process of recovery. It's still an ongoing process, there's loads more to learn and yeah, maybe I'll update you another time. It'd be good to know what you've learnt during your kind of journey if you're going through a process of recovery or something like that too. So maybe leave a comment or link me to your videos if you've done something similar. It'd be great to hear your experiences too. I hope this was helpful or at least a little bit thought provoking. Okay, bye.