 The Craft Foods Company presents the Great Guildersleeve. Hee hee hee hee. It's the Great Guildersleeve starring Harold Perry, brought to you by the Craft Foods Company, makers of parquet margarine and a complete line of famous quality food products. Now let's join the Great Guildersleeve. But first let's decide which Guildersleeve we want to join. For Guildersleeve is a man of many sides. Shall it be Guildersleeve, the man of action? Oop. Or Guildersleeve, the guardian and protector of his niece and nephew. Leroy, stick in your short tail. Or Guildersleeve, the great lover. Let us drop in on still another Guildersleeve. The Guildersleeve the world knows as Summerfield's water commissioner, the big shot in his private office in the city hall. Guildersleeve the executive. I wonder what time it is. Quarter five? Must be later than that. Oh, Bessie. Bessie. That Bessie I'm going to have to let her go. Bessie. That I did, Bessie. What time is it by the clock out there? By the clock? Certainly feels later. Have you taken care of these things, Mr. Guildersleeve? I'd like to care up your desk a little. Yes, it's a mess. How do you expect me to get any work done, Bessie, when you leave papers all over my desk? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Guildersleeve. You told me to leave all those folders on annual rainfall so you could use them in your budget report. Oh, rainfall folders. Oh, that's what these are. What's all this pile here? Oh, those are the monthly finance reports for 1945. You asked for them last week. No wonder what for. Yes, sir. I wondered myself. Well, take them away till I think of it. Yes, sir. What's all this stuff over here? Oh, that's your immediate pile, Mr. Guildersleeve. Immediate? Getting a little behind on that, aren't we? Yes, sir. Well, no time like the present, Bessie. Let's just wade through this pile and clean it up. Now? Yes, now. Put that other stuff in the files and then bring your book. Yes, sir. Let's see here. State Association of Water Commissioner. Dear Mr. Guildersleeve, we're making a survey to determine the average power input of municipal pumps in this state. If you could get these figures from your engineers sometime in the next few days and forward them to us promptly, we'll be greatly obliged yours truly. Bessie. Bessie. Oh, you're here. Call Charlie Anderson out at the reservoir, please. Yes, sir. Take this, Bessie, while you're waiting. State Association of Water Commissioners. Dear sirs, in reply to yours of August 10th. Mr. Guildersleeve, calling. Thank you, Bessie. Hello, Charlie. How's it going? You'll never mind how it's going. I want you to give me some figures. What's the power input on our pump out there? No, Charlie, that's no attitude. You mean you don't know? Then figure it out and call me back. It's not a waste of time. It's very important. And if you, hello. Hello? Hello. He hung up. All right, George, if I knew where to find another engineer. But I don't. What have you got there, Bessie? In reply to yours of August 10th. August 10th? Well, the survey must be over by now. Throw that away, Bessie. We'll tackle something else. Yes, sir. Let's see. What's this one? Mrs. Joel Toddbinder. I can't believe I used the amount of water for which you have billed me during the month of September. Kindly explain. Oh, there's four or five letters like that. There are? What do these people think we do? Make up meter readings out of our heads? Take this. Dear Mrs. Toddbinder. Several of these. Several of these, you say, Bessie? Yes, sir. And we ought to have a form answer for it. I'll make up a form letter and you can send it to all these people. Yes, sir. But I'll do it tomorrow. Anything else that's pressing? Well, the whole file requires immediate answers, Mr. Gilda Sweeney. Well, we made a good start on it, Bessie. I doubt if we could finish it tonight anyway. Suppose we get out as bright and early tomorrow morning. Yes, sir. What time is it now, Bessie? My watch says a quarter to five. It was a quarter to five, 10 or 15 minutes ago. Time to close up, Bessie. If you say so, Mr. Gilda Sweeney. I do say so. But bright and early tomorrow, Bessie. Bright and early tomorrow. I told you, time and time again, if you want to eat, you come to me right after school and I'll fix you something. You can't come in here just before supper and fill up your stomach. I'm not even hungry. Well, you better be hungry when you sit down at the table. I got us a roast of beef tonight with our brand new November points. Yeah. What's the matter with you, Leroy? Don't you feel good? Yeah, I feel okay. I got another bad report card today. Oh, that's what's praying on your mind. I thought you'd been my quiet this afternoon. I'm afraid Uncle hit the roof. Oh, he won't hurt you. He sure was mad last time. I'm scared to show it to him. Make a clean breast of it, Leroy. That's the only way. Just say I've done it and I'm sorry. Yeah? Yeah, that's the way I do every time I bust a cup. Yes, sir, everything open and aboveboard. Hand it that way, nobody ever gets anything on birdie. Well, I tried hiding it last time. What happened? She... In your system this time, what could I lose? That's probably your uncle now, Leroy. Yeah. Go on, son, get it over with. The sooner you show it to him, the sooner it's all over. That's what I'm afraid of. Go on, he won't hurt you. Well, anyway, isn't it nice that Uncle's home tonight? Thank you, my dear. There's something I want to talk to you about, Uncle. All right, Leroy, just as soon as I wash my hands. Okay. Yes, doesn't it? Yes, it does. I suppose so. I wish they go back to the old way. It's better for people's eyes, don't you think so? Possibly. They might save you. Leroy, it will not be necessary for you to supervise my washing. Well, I don't intend to supervise it. Stay out. I haven't even opened it. Well, a treat. Thank you very much. Something you wanted to ask me was there, my boy? Report card today, and it's pretty bad. Oh, let me see it. Come here, Leroy. Let me see the card. Yes, sir. Hmm. Report card today. Huh? I got my report card today, and I did swell and everything. Shut up, Leroy. There must be some explanation for this, Leroy. It's just my fault, Uncle. That's all. I'm not blaming anybody but myself. That's no explanation. I never had any trouble when I was in the B-7. All that stuff is easy. Marjorie, I think you'd better leave this to me. Yeah. Well, all I know is anybody that tries can learn that stuff in their sleep. In his sleep, and I will handle this, please. Leroy, this is, well, it's very serious. I know it, Uncle. I sure hope I can do better next month. Yes. Well, I'm sure that you... I just have to work harder than ever. That's all. Are you kidding? Yeah. Now, Marjorie, let's not assume Leroy is insincere. I believe your brother is ready to turn over a new leaf. I think we should help him. That's right. If you buckle down and work hard, my boy, you can show improvement. You're not stupid. I should say not. Only all the stuff is so hard. It's over my head. It's not really, my boy. Not if you understand it. Perhaps I can explain some of it to you. Could you, Uncle? Help you every night of the week, if you want. Gee, that'll be super, because I really got a load. Monday night, I have to do English, and Tuesday night is my arithmetic night, and Wednesday is history. Don't tell me anymore, Leroy. You'll talk me out of it. This looks like one of my bad weeks. The Great Guilder's Sleeve will be back in just a moment. The other day, while I was waiting my turn at the grocery store refrigerator, I saw a lady trying to decide which spread to buy. Naturally, since my job is to sell parquet, I thought I'd give it a little boost. So I said, have you ever tried parquet margarine? I've heard of it often. Is it really as good as people say? Yes, ma'am. I know lots of people think parquet is fine. Fresh flavor is the best they've ever tried. Well, that's what I'm looking for. A spread for bread and toast that really tastes good. And I know that you're also interested in good nutrition. Now, in the package here, you'll notice that parquet is made from rich in energy vegetable oils from the farm, and that it's fortified with important vitamin A. And you can plainly see from the price tag that parquet margarine is only about half the price of costly spreads. Now, I'm just repeating to you folks what I told the lady, and I'm happy to say that I helped make a sale. So next time you do your shopping, I hope you decide to buy delicious economical parquet, the spread preferred by millions because it tastes so good. That's P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet margarine, made by Kraft. Now let's get back to our story when Gildersleeve has been getting along with the education of his nephew. To tell the truth, he hasn't really got around to it. Monday night... Well, Monday, something came up. Tuesday night... Tuesday night I ran into a friend. Wednesday night... Well, Wednesday was something else. Now, it's Thursday, and even Leroy is getting on easy. Look, Uncle, let's face it, I've got to write a composition about the Missouri Compromise and I've got to have it in tomorrow. Founded Leroy, haven't you done that yet? No, and that's not all. I've got about nine million problems in arithmetic and I'm apt to draw on a whole lot of spelling. Why do you let it pile up this way? Why do you keep putting it off? I was waiting for you to help me like you promised. Excuses, all I get is excuses. You did say you'd help him, Uncle Mord. Thanks, Mordge. When I need to be reminded of my promises, my dear, I'll ask for it. Well, holler, I'll be up in my room. You... That girl... is such a thing as being too smart. I wish she'd get a low-report card just once. Well, Leroy, come on, let's see what seems to be the trouble here. What's your most difficult subject? History. What don't you understand about it? I don't get it, that's all. I can't learn it. Never say can't, my boy. Well, I can. Nonsense. History can be a very interesting subject. If you approach it properly... Well, how do you approach it? I'm learning it. Just learn it, that's all. But I can't. Don't keep saying that. Of course you can learn it. I learned it, you can learn it. Now, for instance, you've got to write a composition about the Louisiana Purchase. Very well. The Missouri Compromise. All right, the Missouri Compromise, it's the same thing. Are you kidding? Well, that is, I mean they're related. Everything in history is related, my boy. That's the important thing in history, to learn the relation of things. Now, for example, Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. Remember that, Leroy, that's mighty important. But it was Rogers and Clark who discovered the Northwest Territory. I don't get the relation. Well, you're a little young, I guess. Yeah, let's get out of this composition of yours now. What was it to be? The Missouri Compromise. Oh, yes, that. What was the Missouri Compromise, Uncle? Well, it took place in Missouri, my boy. Natch, but what was it? It took place some years ago, as I remember. I forget the exact date. I know the date, 1820. Oh, what was it? The Missouri Compromise? Well, it was a sort of a compromise. That is to say, it was, well, just what it says, the Missouri Compromise. Everybody knows what the Missouri Compromise was. Uncle, will you tell me one thing? What? What good is history anyway? Well, history is a lot of good. If you learn it now, it'll help you in later life. How? Well, that depends. It depends on what you do in later life. Yes. Have you given any thought to that, my boy? What do you plan to be when you grow up? How should I know? Confounded, Leroy. You see, that's what's a matter with you. You have no purpose, no sense of responsibility, no plan in life. You just live from day to day. Kid! If you're old enough to stay up till 9.30 at night, you're old enough to be responsible. You've got to organize yourself, my boy. Start making sense. Doorbell! I'll get it! There you go. Right while I'm trying to talk to you. Your uncle's manning to go to the meeting, do you know? I don't know, but he's right in here if you want to talk to him. Oh, hello, Horace. Evening, Gilday. Going to school board meeting? I can't. I promised to help Leroy with his homework tonight. Oh, I'm sure Leroy won't mind. I never break a promise to a child, judge. That's something I make a point out. Ha! Leroy, go to your room. You can't work down here anyway with people dropping in all the time. Pardon me? Oh, no offense, judge. Stick around. Leroy, you go upstairs and get started on that composition. I'll come up later and see how you're doing. But you still haven't compromised. Why should I? It's all in the encyclopedia. Go look it up. That's what education is for, my boy, to teach you to look things up. That's what the encyclopedia is for, to look things up in. Don't bother me anymore with a Missouri compromise. You guys go upstairs and get to work. I'm going to do about him, Horace. No power of concentration. Puts everything off, completely disorganized. Oh, I don't know. I was talking to him just now. Absolutely no sense of responsibility, no thought for the future. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up. He doesn't know. The boy has no life plan. What's your life plan, Gildy? Huh? I say, what's your life plan? What do you mean? Well, what thought have you given to the future? Are you going to be a small town water commissioner all your life? The office of water commissioner, Horace, is not one to be sneezed at. Hmm. Big frog and a little puddle. That's all you are, Gildy. I resent that. I don't know where you get off to talk about Leroy. You're not even a very good water commissioner. Horace. Well, be honest with yourself, Gildy. Are you? You aren't there half the time. You shilly shally, you put things off? There's no saying you know, Gildy. The destination is the thief of time. I know, I know. Well, it's true. You've been in that office three years now. What have you done? And what did you do before that? And what are you going to do in the future? I don't know, Horace. I just don't know. I'm saying this is your friend, Throckmorton. You are my friend, Horace, and I hope I'm yours. I've always so considered you. But what you've got to realize, old friend, I'm only saying this for your own good. I know that. What you've got to realize is you've been in that office on a political fluke. And you could be bounced out tomorrow. Horace, you haven't heard anything. No. But if they ever got on to you, if anybody ever found out how little you really know about it, why, you don't know anything about the water department. You're just a glad hander. That's all just a small-town politician. You don't know beans about hydraulics or anything else. And you've never taken the trouble to learn. You've just been so dog-gone lazy. Horace, don't! Now, it's true. All these things you accuse Leroy of, he's just a chip of the old block. You're right. I've been a bad uncle. Well, I wouldn't go as far as that. I have. I've set him a bad example. Oh, it isn't that so much guilty. But what provisions have you made for the future? Suppose you were to get the can tied to you. Done. Have you made any plans? Have you saved up any money? I don't even need to ask. I'm no good. I'm not worrying about you. Somehow. But what about Marjorie and Leroy? Those two sweet children. I'm no good, Horace. I'm just no good. I have nothing to do with me. No, no, old friend. That's not the way to take it. I'm a failure. A big, fat failure. Well, be that as it may, and I'm not altogether denying it. The thing to do is not to give in to it. What do you mean? Advise me, Horace. Well, you want to be a success in life? You want to be a good water commissioner? Make yourself one. But how? Work. Study. Improve yourself. Who would have bet early? Get up early? I will. I'll go to bed at nine o'clock. Study engineering. Learn hydraulics. Learn... But how? I'm no chicken, you know. Why, any good correspondent school must have a course in hydraulics. Right to the... I'll do it. I'll write to him this very night, Horace. Oh, Judge. I don't know what to say to you, but... Thanks, old friend. Thanks a million. About the majority. Compromise. Don't bother me with your problems now, my boy. I have problems of my own. Well, for a cat's sake. Bertie, Marjorie, where's last Sunday's paper? Last Sunday? Yes. Why is it that Sunday paper always has to be thrown out before I can get a chance to read it? This is Thursday, Uncle Morris. Yes. I never throw out nothing, Mr. Gilseed. I put all the papers in the woodcloth at bed just as always. First I ever heard of it. We'll never mind, Bertie. I'll... Hey! Here it is in the woodcloth. What's the use of the woodcloth? If you're looking for the funniest buying a chance, they might just possibly be up in my room. No, I'm looking for the book section. Here. I saw it in here. I know I saw it in here. Ah, the Alexander Hamilton Institute. Now, clear out, everybody, please. I've got to write a letter. Marjorie, get that junk off the desk, will you? Come along, Lee Roy. I never heard such a fuss about writing a letter. Who's he writing to, President Truman? No, Alexander Hamilton. Oh, no. Who's that? A minute I sit down, I've got to get up and answer this. Well... I just dropped over to see if there was any gentleman who would care to invite a lady to the movies. Gee, I'd like to, Leela. They're showing romance in the rain. Oh, well, I'd love to go, Leela. The only thing is, in the first place, I've already seen the picture. Oh, did you see it alone? No, I saw it with somebody. Oh, how did you like the picture, Throckmorton? Well, tell the truth, I thought it was a little shallow, Leela. Oh, you went with Miss Goodwin? Yes. Well... Well, you wouldn't mind seeing it again, I'm sure. I always think what you get out of a picture depends so much on who you see it with, don't you? You bet. I'd love to go, Leela, but you see, I've got to write this letter, and I promised myself I'd get it off this evening. Oh, an old letter. Well, it's kind of important to me. You see, it's kind of a test, Leela, of myself, I mean. I promised myself that for once I'd do something and stick to it. You know, Throckmorton, I don't think you'll like me anymore. Oh, but I do, Leela. Really, but you just don't understand. Well, not if I practically throw myself at you and you tell me you have to stay home and write a letter to somebody else. But Leela, I...Gee, I'd like to, but... Leela, tell me something. Yes. You think I'm a failure? Why, certainly not. Do you think I'm nothing but a glad-hander and a small-time politician? Gracious. You could ever think a thing like that. Well, that's all I want to know. Let's go to the movies. What are you gonna do to me? Hello, PB. Out for a little constitutional, you two? No. We've just come from the movies. Oh. Mrs. Ransom thought she'd like a hot chocolate. It's so cold out. It's just a little chilly. I'll just warm it up a little. I better won't take a minute. Something for you, Mr. Jelly-Cree? No, thanks, PB. Nothing. Well, it's not like you, Throckmorton, you sure? And, PB, if you should see Judge Hooker, I'd be grateful if you didn't mention to him that you saw me this evening or that I went to the movies. Just as you say, Mr. Jelly-Cree. What's Throckmorton? What possible difference could it make to Horace? Oh, none. I just rather he didn't know. That's all. What's wrong, honey? You haven't seen him like yourself tonight. Nothing. You haven't seen him like yourself all evening, except when you fell asleep there. And that was only for a minute. Well, I feel I've been a bad boy this evening. That's all. Why ever should you? Because, later. There were some things I promised myself I was going to do. I was going to help Leroy, and I didn't. And I was going to write to some people. The Alexander Hamilton Institute. There you are, Mrs. Ransom. Oh, thank you, Mr. Peabies. Come out, watch out. And so you folks went to the movies, eh? How was the picture? Oh, just wonderful. So-so. I don't get to go to many movies myself. Mrs. Peabies likes to go occasionally, but I have to work late here. Peabie, you don't know how lucky you are. I don't know. I wouldn't say that. Yes, you are, Peabie. You're one of the luckiest men I know. You know what you want out of life, and you get it. You're a real success. Well, much blind has been out. And another thing where you're lucky, you're married. I could answer that, too. Certainly, you don't have a lot of temptations to keep you from doing what you should be doing. Well, I wouldn't necessarily say that, either. It's wrong, Morton. I just don't understand what you're talking about. You wouldn't understand if I told you, Leroy. This has to do with life. Oh? Ah, drink your chocolate. Men are so strange sometimes. Eh, what I mean to say, Peabie, is, well, confounded, that you are working till 11 o'clock at night. You stick to things. You get them done. You have willpower. Well, Mr. Governor, I'll tell you a little about that. You might not think it, but it used to be I had a lot of trouble with my willpower. In fact, I was this way or that about things. This couldn't seem to make up my mind. Then one summer, Mrs. Peabie and I took a little trip. Well, what's that got to do with the willpower? Well, I'm coming to that. We took a trip to Chautauqua, you know. They have a sort of a camp meeting there with lectures and so on. And as one fella, he's Crunt Talker. Big tall fella, I remember with black hair and a gold tooth. His lecture was about willpower. Well, what do you have to say about it? Well, it was his theory that if you believe you can do a thing, you can do it. That's what he said. If you believe it hard enough, you can do it. You got in there. Hmm, maybe. I'll never forget that fella. He stood up there and sort of flung his arms around when he talked and his eyes were black and he seemed to bore right through you. Yeah? I remember the words he said when he was winding up. He banged on the desk and he shouted, I am the captain of my faith and my unconquerable soul. He looked at me when he said it. And from then on, your willpower was okay? Well, not exactly. I always suspected that Mrs. Peabie thought the fella was looking at her. Because if there was ever a woman with an unconquerable soul, keeps me on the beam, though. Yeah, but it's Mrs. Peabie's willpower. Do you think I'd be down here working till 11 o'clock at night if I had my way about it? Why, you know better than the rest of us, Peabie. You say what? By George, you're all right. Have a hot chocolate on me. You feeling better now, chocolate? Oh, great. Do you want to know something, Peabie? That hooker, the sanctimonious old ghost he's the biggest baker in this town. Well, now I... You may be right. Come along, Leela. Good night, Peabie. The Great Builder's Sleeve will be with us again in just a few moments. One of the pleasant ways I like to spend an evening at home is to relax in a big, easy chair with a good book to read and a big bowl full of popcorn to eat. Now, if anyone in your family likes popcorn as much as I do, here's a simple recipe you'll surely want to try. While the kernels of corn are popping away, melt some flavor-fresh parquet margarine and a saucepan. Pour the popcorn into a big bowl, season with salt, and then drench with melted parquet. Good. Man, there's a way to really enjoy popcorn thanks to parquet's fine, fresh flavor. And, of course, I expect you all know that parquet is a favorite spread for bread. Preferred by millions because it tastes so good. So for a flavor that's still unmatched by delicious economical parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y, parquet margarine, made by Kraft. Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen. My little niece, Marjorie, wants to say something. Well, it's about the Junior Red Cross. That's the American Red Cross for students in high school. Yes, fine organization. Well, the Junior Red Cross does a lot of important work. During the war, we contributed millions of useful things the soldiers asked for. And now we're working to collect clothes for the orphaned children in Greece and school equipment for Yugoslav and Polish children. We really do lots of good things. Don't you think all school children should join it? I do indeed, my dear. I think you presented it very nicely, too. And I hope all the children listening will join the Junior Red Cross. Good night, everybody. Goodbye. The Great Guilder Sleeve is played by Harold Perry. It is written by John Whedon and Sam Moore. The music is by Jack Meakin. This is John Lang speaking for the Kraft Foods Company and inviting you to listen in again next week for the further adventures of The Great Guilder Sleeve. Thank you for your national broadcast.