 And during the break too I had someone come up to me and mention about the movie last night or the Star Trek episode it was quite intense and I think those kind of movies or episodes are they really do kind of bring the ego out of its hiding place because it's so used to hiding in the dark shadows but when we have something so direct that pretty much shows a whole big picture in one showing then a lot of times the ego gets stirred up and it could bring up some very intense emotions so I wanted to start with that. If there's still some questions we were talking this morning that there's a lot that happened at the end of that with Captain Janeway you know coming being very direct with the ego but also it was a sense of her being in safety not being in stasis not being sleeping not being at the mercy of the ego which all the characters that went in there with the clown character you know he says I know everything and I know all your all their fears their securities their memories and would use those fearful memories to scare them to keep them whenever they try to think of escaping and so that's quite a strong parallel with what we're dealing with in our lives and working with the course that the course is very direct and these kind of movies or episodes are very direct and then it's very common in retreats for some volatile emotions to come up because they've been pushed down and this is a way of saying it's time for healing time to let those up in a safe context and that's the most important thing so if there are any follow-up questions around the end of that movie or any kind of questions or clarifications that are required I'd like to address them yeah it was called a hologram so it looked real it looked three-dimensional I think I was using the metaphor back in the time of Jesus where seemed like there was this man with a robe and long hair that was walking around on planet Earth and then even after the crucifixion when the body was was put in the tomb and then the seal was broken and the stone was rolled away and then Jesus came back and made more appearances there's a book called the Oransha book where I believe there was a number of appearances where Jesus came back and did teaching and speaking and in that book it said he didn't have a regular body he had a Oransha body it was called where it looked human it looked completely human but it didn't have any heart pumping and any blood going through it it was put together by the angels as a teaching device when he made his appearances before he as the Bible said ascended back to God's Father so that you can say the same with Captain Janeway that she her mind wasn't in stasis so she wasn't asleep and she was programmed to respond to the clown character the ego character but she was in no danger because she wasn't sleeping she was she was over our Holy Spirit representation in that movie of what how the ego finally was transcended by the spirits by the by the spirit using a device but not not really on this on the system on the system but not in stasis so that's that's what that was at the very end it was an appearance of Captain Janeway yes well it's always interesting with nightmares to just to kind of pay attention to the feelings because the fear is always coming from a fearful interpretation and really that's what we're working with the Holy Spirit on is help purifying our interpretations because we don't really interact with this world directly it's more like there's all these images and then the ego's given them a meaning and so there's like a filter or an interpretation that that is where the struggle comes in so the Holy Spirit is helping us purify the filter by which we're viewing the world and then you get more and more to a point where you don't buy into the thoughts and then you notice your experiences in the world change for example when I was much younger my parents would take me to an amusement park with roller coaster rides and I was always afraid of the roller coaster rides they went so fast and they you know your body just got rolled around so so I avoided the roller coaster rides and then I think when I was probably in my 20s I thought well it's time for me to face my fear of roller coasters so I got on it and my heart was pounding and my body was thrown all over the place and so that was a pretty intense experience and then I remember working with the chorus for many years and a friend from Cedar Point, Ohio invited me to this amusement park after I'd worked with the chorus for many many years and she was there her daughter was there and I went on all these roller coaster rides and the body was turned in every which way and upside down and hanging and all this and I noticed it did bother me at all I was just like I'm doing the right my mind had had kind of let go and then I went into this it was kind of a cinema where where it's very tall like three stories high and you go into this room and they project this big screen of like being on the back of a fire engine ladder and sweeping around hang gliding and all these things and they had metal bars there when they showed you walk in and stand there and I said what is the metal bars for well when they start showing the film people were grabbing each other and falling to the floor and holding on to the metal bar because their perceptions were that they were being swung around all over the place and I just noticed that I was just standing there and people were grabbing on to my leg and holding on to the bar like this even though the floor wasn't moving nothing was ever just showing how how it's our perceptions that throw us off balance it's our interpretations so I was quite impressed I thought wow the voice is working because you don't really know how much is working until you're put in situations where this is sharp sound or something a snake comes out or a big spider drops down from the floor something that you might have reacted to before and you notice you're not reacting you're just kind of watching and that's part of what the mind trainings about to become more in your experience with the Holy Spirit attached from the world so you can be the observer you can just watch the dream without reacting and responding to it so yeah I would say that episode yesterday was quite an intense episode it's not in common so people have said wow that clown character was freaky and bizarre and it did stir up some unconscious fears and occasionally it could stir up a nightmare or whatever in the sense of but what we have to look at the whole context that's part of the reason why Helen and I saying little ego was to try to give you a context to remember that that it depends on your mind for its existence you're not really dependent on it and it would want you to be afraid of it but the more we work with the spirit we get more confident in seeing you can't fool me you know like the song said you have no existence you know it ultimately gets purged and overcome that way yeah so just I just want to hear it again for you something like that so that's like the end of the Star Trek episode the Holy Spirit comes in fearless the Holy Spirit is awake and facing the fear so once my job then I see the fears but I also have to face the fears I have to be aware coming being aware of it yeah so what's my job how does it work the best way well your job is just ahead of willingness to not hide and protect the the dark feelings or the dark thoughts and beliefs anymore in other words it's by having defense mechanisms and protecting them that they stay hidden and when they stay hidden then you still feel like the mercy Carl Jung was a very famous psychologist we talked about the shadow it's that unconscious set of beliefs that it can be daunting when you start to get on spiritual journey and you start to face these unconscious thoughts and beliefs it can be overwhelming I know when I was I was not involved in a relationship during high school I was not involved in a relationship in my early 20s in my mid 20s until I think I was 27 years old when I was in my first relationship and I was also in graduate school so I kind of went into ego overwhelm when during the relationship all these unconscious feelings came flushing out and with the seeming pressure of graduate school papers and exams and presentations and like floods of things coming on when I first started working at the course I had so much emotional darkness that came up and it was so intense that I just thought how do people do this how how can people have jobs and careers how do people have relationships and go on a spiritual journey of awakening I don't I don't get it I mean I had been so denied and repressed that when it came up and I thought oh in graduate school on top of it you know like yeah thank you Holy Spirit you know why not just throw the whole throw it all on me at once I just wanted to like stand in my covers and not go out because I thought I'm gonna get triggered all day from this stuff and then and then the first relationship that the Holy Spirit sent me the woman was was a fundamentalist Christian there's the Calvinist past coming back and it's like thank you okay you really want to flush this up in a hurry you know so with her and churches and her parents and heaven and hell fire and damn nation and oh god you know and then graduate school on top oh come on come on how do you expect me to do this so it was very intense and and generally that's what happens when you start working with the course the more that you build your confidence and invite the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit is like going to say well hey we have to we have to not protect those dark thoughts of beliefs that's the only thing you have to be willing to do is not protect them not stuff them back down and not distract away from them let them come up into awareness it would be like if you were like a dentist and you know you had a tooth with a cavity or an abscess or where where disease had seemed to go down into the root if you needed like a root canal you know a root canal is it's a it's a delicate kind of thing where you have to go all the way down into the roots of the tooth because of the decay is going on and you might say this is the same with our mind that as long as we have this unconscious belief system this down there we have to get it to decay that's underneath there's no point in trying to keep fix arrange and rearrange the characters on the surface and arrange the effects when there's at the level of mind at the level of causation is where the issues are that's where the beliefs are that's where the attack thoughts are it's not the people the ego would have us run away from certain people or trying to get certain people out of our lives and so on and so forth but but to really face those those emotions those thoughts and those beliefs it's so important in fact some of the books that I have one of them's in awakening through Course in Miracle we have this instrument for peace which which is a worksheet designed to help you go through with your emotions it's in one of the works right there facing your your emotions your perceptions your emotions your thoughts and then ultimately your beliefs to help you get down to the root because the ego itself is a belief and it sponsors this belief in linear time and as long as the mind is addicted to this time belief it's afraid of eternity because eternity and time can't really coexist one's real and one isn't and so when the mind is trying to play both sides or believe in both it's very uneasy it's very intense in the mind so over the years I've just worked with things like music and movies and things that inspired me and then when people have said well what's the fastest way to salvation or enlightenment I said well relationships and silence I mean if you have a combination if you've got a meditation practice and you have relationships going on then that's going to be the fast crack because the ego is going to get flushed way out of its it's like flushing hornets out of a hornet's nest you know you you stick to stick in there you move it around and then all these hornets come flying out that's kind of what happens when you use a combination of of silence and relationships because the ego hates silence that's why a lot of times when people go off in the monastery's convents or yoga practices meditation practices you know it's stirred up the ego doesn't like silence and then relationships there's so much mirroring that goes on that it's like having a very close mirror right in front of you just mirroring everything back it could be with interpersonal relationships the parent-child relationships you know oftentimes even with with employees or employers and bosses authority figures you know it's a lot of anger and rage just comes up in those kind of context because there's so much mirroring going on so I think that was another aspect of the Star Trek episode is the whole idea of of going into this artificial world and seeing the dynamics they're all wearing masks they're always dancing and partying but it's kind of like partying out of out of guilt they're afraid they're afraid to to escape they're afraid to to live so they're trying to make happy pretend happy but they're all wearing masks and I just found it a particularly good metaphor for for Planet Earth when I saw those characters dancing around and we're looking for someone you know they're they're in another town and the woman the woman says there are no other towns like this is what we're dealing with here is there's just gameplay a lot of gameplay going on and a lot of false partying we have to cut through okay so any other myself this morning how can I get that how can I do something so just looking at this dream and then ask the Holy Spirit or just letting it be yeah as you call forth these emotions to come up into awareness really the prayer is to join with the Holy Spirit help me see this differently you know ask for guidance and help on that and know that for the first aspect of forgiveness there'll be a lot of uncovering and exposing that's just the way it's going to go it will get it will go beyond you will go more to consistently aligning with the Holy Spirit and when you do that you're able to overlook the error it says in the Course the Holy Spirit overlooks the defiled altar and looks to the light of the Atonement so that's ultimately where you come closer to Christ's vision when you get more and more practice at looking with the Holy Spirit and overlooking the error overlooking the defiled altar so you might say though that it still comes down to a willingness to not hide and protect because if you're not willing to hide and protect then they are going to disappear they will vanish the skeptic jaymai said eventually he does vanish and then you go goes draft because it's game over to use a game analogy game over when there's there's no protecting and hiding so ultimately you want relationships where you can just see what's on your mind you can you can feel a safety and a security there and why why relationships because if you can do it with with another human being so to speak then you can do it with the Holy Spirit it's just doing with another human being is a symbol of your willingness to not hide and protect because from the egos my training and the egos training we have we've been scared to expose these thoughts and beliefs for fear that we'll lose our relationships if I expose this then they'll either use it against me it'll come back behind me and or it'll be used to sabotage and expose the relationship and there's such a fear of losing a relationship that the mind puts a lid on the darker emotions and seals it tight like no I will never go there I'll never look at that but then no healing occurs if the if the mind is so sealed so anything that you can do that kind of allows it up usually with a trusted friend or a partner that you really love and trust then that helps letting those thoughts up and then really you're letting them up to the Holy Spirit and as soon as they come to the Holy Spirit they're gone something the Holy Spirit has to wrestle the ego or something it's like as soon as the darkness comes to the light they're gone immediately they vanish immediately so that's why it's so important not to hide and protect them and to slowly develop trust and faith that you can do this I can I can let these up this is helpful and that's why we started this practice with these expression sessions it's expression sessions the Holy Spirit is just smiling on grace now we can really get to the core of healing the ego is going to be going no this is risky business this is this is like laying down sticks of dynamite all around and hoping you don't step on one and set off a booby trap or something like this uh the ego likes to just keep things smooth over and pushed down out of awareness so this kind of communication is just precious and it does take a while to get used to it because I had this but this morning it was totally changed I said it also in my group because I could see the benefit of it it's just just like I changed my mind and the whole thing was changed and in the group also many things came up and it was like it was me and it was such a good group and I was so happy the whole thing is this yeah it's true this I experienced this all the time first this I was sitting in the boat absolutely the movie you know I don't know and then yeah yeah so I'm pretty happy yes very actually I have a question about indigenous people maybe Aboriginal for instance I feel very connected to the culture but also sort of in needs in Brazil so I'm very I feel very connected sometimes when I'm seeing it's like all all cultures come out of my voice you know it goes very far and I have this idea in my mind that there are still people on the planet that really live in the harmony and live in the spirit and live in the devotion of everything that is around them and I was just wondering what are your thoughts about that so I do I project my happy dream of those things or do I in those moments because I also very strong dreams do I in those moments connect with something or is it also all my projection it's just how does all of that come together yeah yeah I would say that yeah for you the indigenous people are our witness of spirit and there's there's indigenous people that like the Indians in in Brazil the Indians in Canada the United States the Aborigines Aborigines down in Australia they the Jesus is telling us that this world is backwards and upside down so everything throughout history that has been under the name of civilization the industrial revolution bigger guns bigger weapons one of my favorite Star Trek movies we watched the Star Trek episode but there's actually full full length Star Trek movies two hour movies and one of them I think it's called insurrection I believe it is and and it's Captain Picard and and they they come to this planet to help these people they think they're primitive and so the enterprise they land there and they're there to help protect them from invading forces and they seem to be primitive they're you know children playing and and they're growing crops and so on and so forth and they assume that these people don't have technology they just assume it by the way they're looking actually they they have work drive capabilities they have some of the highest technological abilities they choose not to use them in fact at one point the woman tells Captain Picard where is there to go when he's all excited about work drive and exploring girl she says where is there to go you know that's her answer and he's a bit suspicious then at one point she goes deep into a mystical experience like the whole instant and slows down all of time and space and and he goes in with her into this experience of deep love and it totally contradicts everything that he believes about being a captain and and civilization and power and all the things that he thinks are important as part of you know Starfleet they're all wiped out in these experiences so it's I think the same thing with with the aboriginals and with a lot of the natives they they are the advanced ones actually they are at the top of advancement and the ones that are supposedly this advanced civilization are very backward it's all flipped around and we also see with the children that are being born because you know in our generations we're seeing star children being born and we're seeing children that that are demonstrating advanced psychic capabilities disinterest in ambition disinterest in society trying to to sit in or trying to advance and achieve their they're actually witnesses of the spirit too they're like teachers but the world categorizes them as you know learning deficits and attention deficit it's just got a bunch of diagnosis for these like indigo children that are showing up in fact there's a great movie in our movie watchers guide to enlightenment called Lucy and at the end I was at the theater I watched Lucy this spectacular movie I I was watching the credits roll and the credits roll and listening to the songs I like to always stay in the theater and listen and I waited in there I told everybody was with me no let's wait something's coming they said it's over David it's over it's the credits oh wait so here comes all the credits credits and then then the song comes on God's whisper and I hear God's whisper I am the savior we are indigo and the whole song is from the indigos which is great because the whole movie is really about the indigos and advancing in consciousness and not in material means or not as advancing in learning or the ways of the world but in spiritual consciousness so yeah I think that's beautiful that you're you feel that connection you're putting yourself in a position where you can sing sing it through and in a lot of the indigenous people you know the elders and the tribes there's been singing and dancing and all kinds of mechanisms in place that are very helpful for spiritual awakening and just to modern day civilization they seem like just a bunch of rituals it's different because yesterday I felt uh to be a little bit away from the electricity that's why I wanted to go to the woods and I was touching some trees and just breathing with some trees and and I have a strong feeling of of going back deep in the garden with no electricity and if I now shower I start to spontaneously sing for the water to thank the water so I'm really living the happy dream but I'm also thinking my my apartment and I I wrote outside of my wall that nobody can see I am spirit I am spirit so it's like uh and then I was imagining maybe someone comes and live there in 30 years when I'm dead or later then you find stone and you and you see written on it I am spirit that might be so much fun you know so uh I'm trying to yeah to translate this deeply belonging of living in the jungle which now is not possible at the moment but still I'm imagining I'm already there and so many voices come through me and so many wisdom and and being thankful for for all the materials in my life I have been in a relationship with a man from Argentina for eight years and I was complaining about my loneliness it was like eight nine years ago and he opened my eyes in saying like but everything that we see here you know like this this podium this this material it is made by thousands of people thousands of spirit cooperating together so whenever you're in your house you feel lonely just start counting objects and imagine the truck driver the one who made it the one who sold it the one who packed it the one who cleaned it the one who invented it so even in the material world you can all the time feel the connection of spirit and then probably I prefer not to feel that connection in the nature but he opened my eyes to see that even in that cement in the city is the same that the same invisible net is there to tap into so but I love that in the avatar of the tree and how all the trees under the ground are collected I just want to stay with the blue guys there I think that's beautiful that's some of the the largest I think they said the largest organism on the planet is a is a grove of trees the root system is all connected and it's literally one organism but it's massive most people don't think of trees as the largest organism on the planet but it's that interconnectivity that's there and all the energy that's there and so it's good I think it's good to practice like with whatever comes your way I can see where this relationship has been like heart expanding and mind opening and that's really the prayer of the heart you know the ego wants us to use relationships to stay asleep just to find artificial agreements and artificial pursuits and interests to say together and then the real prayer of the heart is help me open up help me expand anything that will expand perception expand awareness is is extremely helpful and then you feel this gratitude like so much gratitude for that yes yes expression sessions in groups is there maybe is there maybe also time to uh to be prepared to practice uh I would like that to to take home as well it's easy to continue that way to practice somebody else okay well that's I don't remember all the guidelines so I would like to practice that again that's a request I think for this afternoon this is our last kind of three afternoon and so tomorrow we close at five so we'll probably have some type of a closing uh in the afternoon tomorrow but I think this afternoon is pretty wide open there's been some interest in taking some bikes to the sea you know to the the sand the sea the beach there has been an interest where was talk we talked about the Odenza and we talked about maybe an experiential session more like an angel bath but but certainly what you're describing I call it diet work whereas you just have two people sitting diet it's just it's two people coming together to to do this open heart opening experiences it's very very helpful so maybe as we wind down today we can just kind of at the end of this session we'll just kind of get a show of hands of who's interested in what because everything's available we're tailoring this to what you want so because there's a group of people that want diet work yeah that's another for this and already waiting for this one on the stage okay okay so perhaps tomorrow morning perhaps some diet do a full diet group with the whole group and maybe when it's not possible I would like to speak to one of you with the direction so I can practice it anyway okay thank you very good okay we'll open it up to if anybody wants to come up hello is it on you give me a little one of the reasons why me that's because I was very afraid to come up that's one of the reasons beautiful okay that's the first thing you can accomplish right away last year I was one day with you in Amersold and I was really excited to meet you sometime I experienced my feelings like I create this world every second two worlds like like the course of the true world and that's what I see with my body you know they're the same time they're here the words but you know yeah it's right in this moment they're right here they're so close it's so close let's say yeah yeah yeah yeah thank you yeah it's it's so beautiful to think that that I remember when I was reading the course and and I saw the phrase the maker of the world but the maker part was capitalized and and I said what's that the capital maker and that's the Holy Spirit so the Holy Spirit has has given us the real world and given us the happy dream and I don't know about a lot of you but I was raised with the bible and and I think one of the most common the most common known phrases in the bible was that God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that who so ever believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life and in a course of miracles Jesus says it's pretty good it's close I love how you know it's like come on it's the most popular saying in the bible only Jesus could say close and he says it should be he gave it to his only begotten son God so loved the world that he gave it to his only begotten son that who so ever believe in him shall never perish but so have eternal life he's talking about the happy dream he's talking about the real world God gave us a happy world in answer to the ego's insane request for a world of separation and conflict and division God so loved the world he gave you the happy world he gave you the happy dream and and who so ever forgives or who so ever accepts the atonement will see this happy world uh how beautiful and what I like about the course is it takes all these bible phrases even some of the ones that I I used to say oh my god it's the worst how can you how can you deal with that Jesus you know uh there was a line in the bible that said uh vengeance is mine saith the Lord I thought oh man how do you deal with that one Jesus says oh it's easily reinterpreted if you think of the Holy Spirit saying to your mind vengeance is mine give it give it back to me saith the Lord in other words that that concept does not belong in your holy mind give it to me watch how I shine it away vengeance is mine saith the Lord translation for vengeance they want to know I don't know there we go thank you Calvin but that's that's it that can be re-translated then we can anything can be re-translated right isn't that beautiful yes yeah I love it that God loves us so much that everything is open to re-translation I don't have said anything but now it's coming up you know I was always atheist take me so long take me some time to to love God and Jesus that's thank you for that that's wonderful there was still there was something but I'm so I love God I love Jesus I love I love human being I love I love love yeah yeah I feel it I feel it it's so precious we have uh in the United States we have a insolic city uh it's the Mormon church and the Mormon missionaries that go all over the world and so I like to go to temple square where there's hundreds of them walking all over the place and to meet them and I met one young missionary she came up to me and she goes I'm I'm in love with Jesus I said I know exactly what you mean and we we have such fun together you know joining because it's we can join in the presence of that love and we don't have to try to pick apart theologies and you know all those old things it's too complicated yes yes thank you thank you yeah yesterday when um you said about coming up here that was an option I felt just right away it was a yes but then my um ego kicked in and said you are not going up there and the fear just like pumping through my body so I said um yeah I don't even know why I need to come up here so I said if I'm gonna come up here you're gonna have to make it easy for me so the best thing would be if I could sit in the front row because there'd be no blocks and if there's people then I might get frightened of coming up and when I walked into the room I was told this chair is for you over there so I knew I love that how it works clearing away the pathway whatever we need so I knew you've got to get your ass up there and it's um this total fear of being exposed and I knew that this was going to be recorded and that was the part of it it's like while this is going out you do not want to be heard this fear of just stay out of the way as much as possible and so really I'm just facing that fear I think from last night it was just having the courage to to keep stepping forward and to keep doing that so as I'm here it's starting to just dissipate wow that's it that's a testimony to just do not hiding it and then just eases away it's only the protecting that makes it seem strong and it's only the sometimes the anticipation that is a time thing that makes it seem like such a big block and then when we move forward with what we're prompted to do or guided it's just like very easy soft yeah and sometimes we have to do that over and over hundreds of times we may say okay I'm a slow learner but I'll do it I'll try we just keeps happening happening yeah yeah that's what it feels like it feels like I have these ideas about myself like you're unworthy why do you want to go up there who know how do you think you are to take up the space and so these kind of like messages come in but I'm not prepared to listen to them anymore and it takes a lot just to keep just to keep going as you said it just starts to ease and I know that that eases me so I can't hold back anymore and this was just the opportunity not to hold back anymore I have to say too you you came all the way across from England to to Utah and when you showed up there at Camus it happens to us periodically but every once in a while someone is sent to us by Jesus that just is so open and so transparent and you came with such openness and such transparency that it just ignited a spark in the community with you coming and and also you had such a willingness and an eagerness you know like a puppy dog eagerness like a little tail wagging like I'm here I'm here for expression sessions I'm here to take advantage of every single second and that that sparks everyone that sparks everyone even people that have been there living there for years you know they all felt it like like fear dropped Kenneth and it just stirred things up because you were like saying well no private thoughts okay here let's go and full steam ahead you know so you know sometimes you don't even see I think the blessing that that's you bring you bring a huge blessing and sometimes ego will try to make you try to forget that it always does that we had with these amazing heart openings and miracle experiences that it tries to do the amnesia thing like in the movie dark city sleep just wants to sleep go back to sleep forget forget and yet I think honestly if we all looked at it we could say honestly we've had some amazing miracles in our life and the egos just try to brush them under the rug and dismiss them but sometimes I think that's why it's good to do like photo albums and collages and things like that because it's we we go through those we and those memories come rushing back I've had this thing where over the years I'd love to take a during a closing circle I'll take my iPhone my camera around the circle and all these beaming glowing faces at the end of the retreat and people tell me that when I put those on Facebook they just get high watching them they're just like whoa all those faces and all that joy beaming just after we've gone through this experience and we do need reminders we need we need lots of reminders that's that's part of how it goes on this journey and that's part of our gift that we offer so when I look at you that's what I see I see you you brought a big gift and it seems like every few years we had a strawberry festival too we had a man who came down uh it was part of this big circle down there a few years ago and and he was the same way he just he was so like a puppy dog showing up let's practice this no private thoughts and and no people pleasing and and again everybody was really refreshed everybody was like oh yeah that's a reminder of the of the why we're all here you know we're doing this together so thank you I want to thank you for your willingness and once again today we're going to try to stop you and say yesterday no way are you going there oh yes oh yes yeah thank you David it's like the last time what we met and I said like I wanted must speak to Lisa and I wanted to meet meet with you before I left when I came and saw you like the whole thing just started shaking as I was looking at you and you were just talking to me I can't remember the whole conversation but you just said to me oh and I was leaving expect miracles and when I walked out that door for like a whole month it was just absolutely mental and there was I was doing nothing but every encounter was just loving and people were I didn't have to do anything and it was just all happening constantly the whole time and so I am so so grateful and to you and what you demonstrate and to me like I find it very very difficult to trust but I do trust you about trusting and guidance I know that this can be tailored to every unique situation and I seem to experience a kind of I put it in an involuntarily from which there is no return spent last three and a half years unwinding not through the course the first few years I came from a job I had the chance to choose my freedom from being in a job that I didn't like at all I didn't waste a moment to choose and jump into the deep not knowing what was coming then the first one and a half years there was only one mantra I have to do something I have to do something because I have to take care of me if I don't do it who will but by the idea of searching for another job I felt sick I couldn't put it up I did the least thing I eat what which was mandatory to get some support from government here in Holland when that was over and in meantime I tried some things to start a practice I spend many time and money for that for living from my heart but being in practice to support people in finding who we truly are I even flew to the United States oh hi California for a three-day retreat on that many people got an answer what they had to do and I got a very clear answer it was be my love but I got angry because what do you mean be my love I need to do something because I need I have to take care of me I cannot live off me be your love come on and there's two years ago now and somehow although I feel fear there seems to be kind of awareness around me I cannot describe it so clearly that I feel paralyzed to do anything that represents a kind of activity into the world and I instructed how the spirit you have to guide me specifically with an impulse or a knowing or deep feeling if I have to do something to apply for social welfare whatever I need to know it if I do not get any clear impulse whatever I won't do a thing and in my experience it has not come and now the trust is really really there that I have to because I mentioned it at the beginning of the retreat this month a few bills will not get paid my mortgage will not get paid this month so my question on my little doubtful thing is could it be that I am although I feel fear every now and then but also a kind of rejoicing about this situation which normally would scare the hell out of me three years ago for example or even a year ago could it be that the guidance is somehow forced upon me in a way in spite of my little self there seems to be a kind of push that I seem paralyzed to do whatever would be logical or necessary or whatever to maintain a living or to make a living so this is my my wondering if I'm listening correctly or am I mixing things up here okay well thank you for pouring that out I mentioned yesterday there's a booklet that Jesus dictated to Helen Shuckman called the Song of Prayer and in the Song of Prayer Jesus has the most astounding line it's the most astounding line I remember when I first read it I just I had to stop and it stopped me in my tracks because the whole pamphlet is on prayer and the sentence starts the secret of true prayer so I knew that this is going to be extremely important whatever he was going to say he starts it off in the Song of Prayer the secret of true prayer is to forget the things you think you need that contradicts everything that any one of us has ever been programmed with that one line goes opposite of everything but he goes on to explain that line he says when you let it go when you forget it you let it go to the Holy Spirit in other words the things that you think you need part of that past conditioning programming and part of being human actually it's a very practical part of being human when you let it go to the Holy Spirit it is your offering it is your gift to the Holy Spirit so that really turns things around if if my beliefs and my needs that I've struggled with and been so challenged by tormented even though I'll say tormented by can be offered as gifts to the Holy Spirit that the Holy Spirit will receive them as gifts that is taking one giant leap into trust I mean that to me when I read that I went whoa that's a step into faith and for me that seemed to be a stretch of five years where I had to just put that into play where I I didn't seem to have a place to live I didn't seem to have any kind of regular income I didn't have any kind of organizational support I had no savings and nothing in the way of visible support as the ego would judge it and yet I was told to travel which at the time I mean I had thoughts that this is very impractical if I had some support coming in or if I had savings and travel would be a practical thing but this I had judgments that Jesus was being very impractical and he kept to show me he said no no I actually this is essential for what will come in your life as a miracle worker as he there's a part in the course also that it's been nicknamed the promise just like the bible has its passages but the promise passage of the course it's like Jesus is saying in case you missed my lilies of the field speech 2000 years ago which was quite poetic poetic he says once you have accepted his plan as the one function you would fulfill there will be nothing else the holy spirit will not arrange for you without your effort he will go before you making straight your path and leaving in your way no stones to trip on and no obstacles to bar your way and he goes on because that enough knows more not one seeming difficulty but will melt away before you reach it you need take thought for nothing except the only function you would fulfill now that song of prayer sentence the secret of true prayers to forget the things you think you need and that promise section if you put them together you put throw in some lilies of the field it's pretty clear that he's saying I'm in charge of the plan and I will take care of you as you perceive yourself for as long as you perceive you have needs I will meet those needs the thing is our past conditioning we see only a limited number of ways that that can occur you know we don't see the miracle we we say well it's gonna have to come there there there there I'm in I'm messed up if it doesn't come from one of those areas and the ego my of course is talking to me well you are getting into that now so the stone is still not unturned in a way my ego is complaining now Holy Spirit if you are there for me am I doing something wrong because or is it for me to trust still in this happening now seem seemingly seemingly disaster or whatever do you want me to trust in this because it's easy when it's already fixed before money is running out and then it's already replaced it's easy to trust but now it comes down to do I still trust as the situation seems to unfold and I don't know what is ahead and I so my but because I do not hear it the way you do the Holy Spirit is not guiding me so so specifically it's more about this feeling that I have inside I notice the peace inside me not panicking and the somehow awareness of being in this kind of breathing channel there's no way back it's all kind of vague vague yeah well it's good to come back to the idea that that it's the Holy Spirit's function to convince the mind in other words once we start to take on we feel like it's our responsibility to convince ourselves or be convinced and it's like usurping is taking the Holy Spirit's function that's part of why when I came here that I had Jenny and Francis and Helen come along because they have been right where you're talking about and it's taken a little bit different forms in each case but but it's the same sense of developing the trust in other words the trust can only be strengthened when it seems like you're you're reaching a point where you you're looking around and you're saying where's my support and then up underneath you comes strong support and I know that I've shared it for years and Francis and her talks and Jenny and Helen and Fox it's been a huge part of sharing the parallels of one thing coming up after another whether it's a road trip whether it's involving like Jenny with her her son Victor or debts that she's had uh with Francis you know she had her own business and and houses and and all the things that the world says are those symbols of safety and security and yet the call came in very strong was to let them go let go of those symbols and then again let the spirit of love come up underneath it's almost like inviting the spirit to saying show me show me the way coming as a little child you know little children are amazing to watch because they put their hand up at time and they they're asking to be led but they they have their hand up and developing the ego and developing all this conditioning and programming it's it's really developing this sense of I personally need to take care of myself we know in this world that there's one extreme of of being dependent and feeling dependent on another person on parents on the government on social handouts on something and it doesn't feel good to feel dependent on something that you perceive as outside yourself because there's a fear that that will go to the hand that is offering it will be withdrawn and there'll be desolation there'll be you know great need and destruction and so on and so and then the flip side which is not always seemed to be the ego is this belief that I personally have the skills and abilities to take care of myself this is heavily reinforced as as mature functioning adult citizen you know that's what the role is and when you play that out you get a lot of kudos a lot of praises oh something very well you can hear parents oh my child went to university for these years and has these degrees now they're practicing in this enormous house lots of children lots of children educate them two or three degrees I know it's track phd's and you know this and this there's a lot of pride but the pride is in the autonomy of being able to personally take care of the self and that's heavily reinforced as good good good great super and yet when you go on a spiritual journey mother Teresa had to let go of it st. Francis had to let go of it st. Teresa the little flower had to let go of it if you go back through history the ones that have gone more to the communion experience east and west yoga nanda Ramana Maharshi you could go pick your saint pick your avatar everyone has had to go of letting go of this control mechanism of I know enough from my past learning to take care of myself thank you God very much but I got I'm succeeding and then that that construct of the man it grows older with time and then it's got to face things the ravages of time like a body breaking down you know body starts to break down I've got good health insurance Jesus stay away the best health insurance I can hire the best radiologist for cancer and I've got I've got a life insurance policy I'm not gonna let down my survivors I've got a life insurance policy it's a big one don't think I'll feel any guilt when I die because my survivors are gonna live a great life on my my life insurance policy well if you stop for a minute wait a minute what is health insurance but a bet that you will get sick you're plunking down money every month or every so often with a bet that you will get sick the only way that you collect on the bed if you get sick otherwise you're just paying for everybody else but no you have to get sick if you collect on the bed if you don't get sick you lose the bet and all the other ones that got sick they get the benefits it's crazy and that's just for health insurance that was life insurance that's a bet that you're gonna die and you don't collect on the bed unless you got to collect to win the bet that's insane that's absolutely insane it's absurd it's absurd the laws of this world it's backwards and upside down and so if we come to the point we say ah that's where the fear is coming up is the ego is still wanting to assert its pride and autonomy and i can do this better than you can god except the mind that thinks it's separate and autonomous is like a closed situation it's not going to move at all and without help it needs needs divine intervention it needs help in the in the most sincere way and so you know to me that's part of why i've come with with francis and jenny and helen because they've had to face exactly what you're talking about in their own forms in their own ways and it's it's put trust to the test it's definitely put trust to the test because if it's never tested and you just think if my money runs out if my savings run out then i could sell this this this but if and then what if you know it's like the ego is always like working away to see how can i stay ahead of the game but it's perpetuating the game by trying to stay ahead of the game you know people say that how much life insurance is enough how much health insurance is enough how much savings is enough you know these kind of questions the ego likes because it's got you there are even support groups where where millionaires have come to the support group because they have such a fear of losing their wealth it's absurd for millionaires to come to support groups and and speak up you know and share their fears about losing their wealth they got invested here here but the market's unstable francis had one of her business was a financial planner and so i said to francis one time what do you think about the stock market she says it's totally crazy it's totally insane if that's coming from a financial planner then we can start to go why where am i investing my time my effort my my money that's a good question what am i putting it towards how will this help my peace of mind that's a good question but once we start to get into the game of scarcity and trying to cover your bases and everything just seems to get more and more stressful as we go round and around that's interesting what you're mentioning now because i'm here i could pay this stay here because my mother offered it to me and then i could not decline because i felt the the urgency for me but then she also got sad because she knows about my situation and she can come along with me although she's 90 years old and physically getting less but her mind can be very sharp and it was yeah it's nice to tell how spirit might work because i was doubting whether i or not i should go because my money was running out already gone more or less and then she said well you know where to find my wallet to pay for it and then i said well mom i need to know 100 sure that i have to go otherwise i would not spend the money and i was doubting doubting doubting a few weeks weeks later i told her well i'm still not sure if i have to go or not and then she replied in a way that's not her way she said you have to go you should not miss this opportunity you need to go there and her only her own way of speaking is well david is coming so close don't you think it would be good for you to go there you know it's maybe it's better but now you have to go okay so i knew this was a very clear sign from the only spirit there is no choice you have to so then i was convinced and crying as okay that's clear and and then she offered a few weeks later she felt sad because she saw my position of running out of this money and she said well i feel so bad because i have it in store and you can use my money because then you will remain out of trouble and don't you think it's better that when i have it and i'm old it's not so much but i could go on for a few more months shall i don't you think you should take it for me and then i then i could feel clearly now i should not do that because this is a repair temporary repair but it's also one i'd still this postponement of trusting that some kind of solution will come up i don't think that this is the solution that that is it could be a solution sent from holy spirit to get me going for a while she was she was even wondering if she was used she was used she was wondering she told me well is it not that i'm used to now holy spirit is using me to tell to give you this offer and but i declined i declined yeah part of part of what it does too is is it starts to bring us to to go more inward like mary was talking about the aboriginals and the native indians and everything part of their process is has always been looking within and examining the mind because we've come from a position where the definition of a need and the definition of a want gets blurred the ego can just go on and on i need i need i want i want i want more i want more i want more that's that's basically a synonym for the ego is more uh jesus says in the beyond all idle section what is an idol do you think you know an idol is for something more it does not matter more of what so we could rename the ego more give me give me give me give me more more more it's like a bottomless pit it just it's sacrifice it's scarcity it's needing and wanting and then when we look at needs at times that's where the spirit's coming in to say as you perceive yourself let me help meet your needs because we have to build trust and eliminate fear and so that's where the trust comes in of like of offering up the prayer and not being a judge of the form in which the need is is met that's where the pride comes in is when the pride rears up sometimes and says like i couldn't do this i couldn't do that you know and then we have people like of the aborigines and so forth that that seem to live out in nature and it reminds us more and more their lives are more like the sparrows or the bird keep your eye on the sparrow the lilies of the field look at the the birds of the air you know they how they survive and in st francis was always looking at nature and the birds seeing they needed a few berries a day and they were off singing all day long sing sing sing sing a couple berries sing sing sing you know they're not thinking about life insurance health insurance how am i gonna repair my house and wow the eating you know there's a couple berries and off singing all day long you know that st francis was good to point that out like look at them look at the birds look at the birds uh some of the people okay they're practical i like that very okay um