 Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony. I have an email here from a young man and Says hi Tony, God bless you. My name is Blank and I just came across you by typing How to get over my baby mama on YouTube your video getting over my ex the mother of my child Was the first video that popped up Your name is Tony and my baby mama's new man's name is Tony So I didn't want to click on your video at first, but I did I listened to everything and What words brother? What words of encouragement from one man to another? It was so awesome to find out your Christian as well since I am too Unfortunately for many years I took my ex for granted and she finally got fed up and got herself another guy Which was a big shock to my life when I found out and caused me to lean back on the Lord I can see now He's working in my life and he has used this horrible situation to wake me up for the better But the road has been emotionally hard for me Just emailing you to say thanks for the words and I will definitely listen to more of your videos Do you recommend any books? I have a five-year-old son with my ex? God bless you, bro And I hope you get to read this email and can feel through my words and hope and motivation The words of hope and motivation you have given me hey, thank you so much This young brother didn't really have you know too many words seeking advice, but I wanted to Just add you in here. Just to let you know I see you a lot of times the men Feel like I don't see him or you overlooked, but I appreciate you sharing this and sending this to me And I will say you know This is an interesting situation that you're in and I'm glad that you are man enough to admit That your woman moving on is what floored you What made you hit rock bottom and sent you back to God? Because that's huge and a lot of women don't understand that Even her being gone still influenced your life Her walking away is what influenced you to become a better man Had she stayed you wouldn't have grown You wouldn't have become a better man because her being with you her presence would have reinforced The environment her presence would have reinforced the it would have sanctioned the environment and reinforced the behavior So you would have remained the same because everything that you were doing to hurt her had she not left You would have told yourself. It's okay. So a lesson here is to all men It's sometimes you got to be willing to let a woman go when she's trying to leave Because her letting you go may actually help you grow and That's what happened and I hope women see this and understand this That yes, it hurts For a woman when you leave a man and You move on with your life and then all of a sudden the man starts to grow. He starts to change He has this epiphany, you know, and he does a 180 in his life and he becomes a new man Well, that happens because you left you stop reinforcing the behavior So what you have to realize is all of us at some time men and women We all are test dummies at some time. We all are someone's test dummy so The woman was the man's test dummy for him to do all of the dirt Do all of the hurt and pain to see if she can withstand that type of pain and pressure and that Type of disrespect She was in that car, you know, like the test dummies been driven into the wall Boom 50 miles an hour then 80 miles an hour then a hundred miles an hour. Boom trying to see What this car and these test dummies who simulate humans can withstand We all are test dummies at some point. And so the lesson here is That we have to realize when a person is a test dummy in our life or when that season is Training camp in our life We have to realize that and be okay with it and be able to say, you know what I went through that To get here. I had to go through that and make those mistakes or suffer what I suffered Be hurt like I was hurt or hurt the person I hurt to get to this place in my life So no, it's not meant for me to go back No, it's not meant for me to have that person again because when I was with that person I learned the language of love. I learned a certain language and not a language of love But a language of a relationship. I learned a certain language of a relationship That is a toxic language a language of abuse or a language of lies a language of manipulation deception Infidelity so I learned those languages in that relationship and if I go back I'm going to revert to That language to my first language when things get comfortable and you get complacent you speak your first language like me I'm speaking my second language right now talking to you. My first language is ebonics When I'm comfortable and I'm just with my family. I'm with my boys Are you know, I'm with my wife and my kids. I'm full Ebonics you wouldn't even understand me because that's what I grew up around as the language I learned So I still sound country and a little ebonic trying to talk proper So imagine how I sound when I'm relaxed Think about languages in relationships. It works the same way if this young man if you go back to your ex it won't be It wouldn't be a year before you back to speaking the same languages You spoke you don't believe that because you believe you change But when you get back to the crack house You get back on crack When you was out living in Malibu You know walking the beach You was able to heal had your accountability partner. You was able to break Kick the habit break the addiction you go back to the dope house. You're gonna be back on dope real soon That's what we got to understand about relationships is that sometimes they run their course and That person was in our life for a season but also for a reason and Then we got to understand that we can't stretch that into a lifetime And we got to leave and become better to live the rest of our lifetime as a better person so There's a message here on both sides To the women understand this That if you've done everything you can do and this man has still not changed for you You're not the woman for him You actually were the woman Who was sent in his life to endure this pain? To make him a better man Not your choice It just happened by default. It's just the way the universe set it up So you got to get the lessons from it Because he also taught you something about men About grown boys. He taught you something about pain about living on lust instead of building on real love He taught you lessons that you got to learn that you got to get in your spirit and say, you know what? Let me leave and not just be a victim of a soul tie Getting beat over the head by this soul tie, but let me leave with a new knowledge and understanding that Everything I saw was preparation For my real husband for my real love So that I could recognize the red flags and to the men what you got to realize is look I was with that woman and I did what I did because truthfully. She's not my wife Yes, she's a great person Yes, she could be my wife if I made her my wife But I didn't see her as my wife and I didn't value her and I didn't respect her so I don't deserve her But what I need to take from this pain and take from this lesson is I need to remember how bad it feels to see the woman that you were with Move on with her life and get with another man. I Need to take this. I need to take this lesson I need to learn from it and the next woman I get That is a real woman that I'm attracted to and that I decided to start something with I need to go in from the beginning Remembering the pain that I felt Watching a woman that I quote unquote love walk away and I need to treat this new woman With a profound respect Now the woman being used and abused right now. She don't want to hear what I'm talking about You do not want to hear what I'm talking about Tony that ain't fair all this pain and all this I don't went through he need to grow up He need to be a man for me. That is not fair. You're trying to say he ought to just leave after I don't went through all this pain Hey, listen to me. I know it does not sound fair Nobody said it would be fair life is not fair Lessons are not fair Is a quote that said life is a twisted teacher. It gives you the test first and then the lesson after The relationship tested you You got to make sure it also teaches you that you get something from it But you have to realize that if you can't be happy and the person has not changed for you They're not for you and you got to be okay moving on even if that means Seeing them end up with somebody else and being the man that you wish you had But at the same time if you accept the reality of the situation and you become a better person Guess what? You are going to go into love And you're going to attract a man That you can help mature and grow in a much shorter time period and this man Changes for you and becomes the man of your dreams. Listen to me. I Know it out of shadow of doubt. I'm the man of my wife's dreams But the reason why is because she went through a bad Relationship a toxic relationship where there was some infidelity. There was some stuff going on and when she left that She was hurting She was broken. She was lost and confused. She wanted love But guess what? She had learned from the games that were played and she was unwilling to fall for those same games again So when I left my toxic relationship for her and I cut my girlfriend off of two years who was really like a fiance I Left her. Can you imagine her pain to hurt? Be like I didn't gave this man two years of my life and he's gonna up and leave But truthfully she didn't want me truthfully. She didn't need me Truthfully deep down. She was happy I was gone because it was so toxic so controlled So guess what? She dealt with the worst So that her next relationship probably became her best because she had them saw the worst that a relationship can provide So now she know what not to put up with and she can produce real love So what my ex-girlfriend went through is the same thing my wife went through So I don't know what happened with my ex-girlfriend But I know what happened with my wife. She got me. I know I tried to be the same man from my past My relationship before my wife as I was when I got with my wife, but my wife shut it down So by shutting that down guess what I became who you see today I became who you listen to today and It's all because we learn from the things we suffer So understand that not every relationship should be stretched into a lifetime Understand that some relationships are only there to teach you the lesson For you to be a test dummy in training camp for a season to get ready for your championship season To get ready for your legacy for your banners to be hung in the rafters With the next person that you meet and fall in love with because now you are stronger and you are wiser Hey, this Tony Gaskins. Thank you so much for submitting your questions That wasn't really a real type of question. Oh, and you asked me did I have any books? Do I recommend any books to you? I have a book called the new guy code and you find on Amazon and my dad wrote a book called the man book To be honest with you for men I've read several books, but in relation to relationships and growing as a man I don't recommend them books. I read kind of more so business what has I'ma I'ma tell you the truth A lot of people don't want to hear this But to become a man There is no better book than the holy Bible my Library is full of books right now. I listen to audiobooks. It's full of books The way of the superior man. No man is an island, you know, I'm listening all these different books thinking grow rich You know how to win and influence People and all of this I'm gonna have to write a book for me and an updated one because the new guy code I wrote it years ago, but no I am the man. I am today By trying to live like Jesus Christ By trying to treat people the way the Bible says he treated people and By trying to live at that level of perfection. That's what got me to this place today I think it was Vince Lombardi that said perfection is not attainable But if you chase it, you will catch excellence along the way So I'm trying to be perfect in my integrity My heart is a man and all of the rules and guidelines that I live by come from the holy Bible So truthfully and honestly, that's the book the book of Proverbs Change my life and in the New Testament After reading Mark Matthew Mark Luke and John Them next chapters of the New Testament leading all the way up to Revelation. I didn't read Revelation but all the chapters between From John up to Revelation change my life Made me an amazing husband Made me an amazing father an amazing friend and it also not to mention Help me earn millions of dollars in business With 11 companies and over 50 streams of income because of that focus and that level of integrity and intensity as a man so a whether you Christian atheist agnostic read that Bible And and take them lessons and it's gonna bless you This Tony Gaskins will talk soon