 This is our woman setter the executive director of whole brooks and corporate and this is our very first episode of Crying out loud here in Augusta, Maine, and we're actually here to introduce you to a friend of mine That I've actually met on house friend of mine. He's a wonderful story, and I'm gonna let him introduce himself Matter of fact, he's gonna be coming right on right now. I have to see my brother So yeah, my name is Cailan. I'm currently right now. I reside over at the Silverhouse Right down the street from your office here, which I've been blessed to be able to have that opportunity I Was holding out a job at Damon's for a while working in the recycling redemption area and doing also cash register and I did that for a few years anyway had a good positive routine going every way and then Now thinking about it I think it was something in the relationship where it just you know it got something bothered me And I couldn't let it go you know I mean and it just ate at me ate at me And I wouldn't let it go and so Started using again to cover that up to numb it out And then you know it just it's that bad that bad mentality that lifestyle and it's just you know Using the drugs every day it numbs you so it slows you off where you should be and I think that's what was going on I was living in that drug stupor, you know just trying to fool myself into thinking you're okay Just and block it out and just you know keep on trucking so Isolation you stay I actually yourself when you get in those areas, um I can I've noticed I can isolate myself Um, I think there's a good isolation and there can be a bad Yes, I do have a tendency Like I said, it was just when you have those bad traumas or memories that can be a barrier in itself Sometimes to take that next step because you're fearful. Well, I put all this effort all this time And then I get burned again, you know, I can't deal with that I'm not I can't go through that again that can be a big barrier And I think sometimes I was some of the barriers that would stop me from trying to progress with my life Because you've already seen yourself as a failure when you haven't even tried, you know, so I see you come alive When you with people connect that's why I was asking the opposite of Addiction is connection. Yes. So it's like every time we were at the center. I see you cooking I see you Communicating with somebody smile on your face. So I see you helping healing people smile on your face You seem like a healer as well. Yes, I remember you say that because like with me even though I'm an inshiver I'm a wicked bad inshiver. I rather do myself I don't help being around people and I was like that but I glow when I'm on the right I'm doing the right thing. I'm not doing negative stuff. I'm not up there trying to hustle a little Meet up somebody or off somebody on I But when I'm doing positive stuff, and I see smiles on faces I see peace getting brought over somewhere. I see that like spark in the eye and someone's eye and come alive That brings this peace over me That's what makes me happy and I'm glad you brought that up because like if I can Where I'm at right now is is I feel like it's if I can Just make the tiniest little bit difference of positivity in someone's life Whether it's if I think it's a small stupid thing that might be the biggest thing in the world to that person You know, we all have things that we perceive in different ways But that's what makes me feel good because that's what I wanted when I was out here struggling hurting And I had nowhere to turn nowhere to look no no smiling faces No, you know, no love being you know set my way It's it's hard and the little sack of luck and you don't know could Could spark something you turn so much day around, you know, it's it's that little everything we do I honestly feel has it has a For every action there is a reaction Okay, hold on um Start with this song. What do you first me me? Oh? Boy, when did I first meet you? I? Would say that's probably when I was Staying at the warming center. I would say around that time So on the woman said how did you come to find yourself at the moment, so? Well that that instance was I was living out with a friend of mine out in the whitefield Which is pretty close to here in the streets of Augusta and I was staying in a camper with him It was me and him and he had that little camper on his parents property Anyway, it came to the point where the camper wasn't going to be any longer livable It's one of our units was staying for so long, but I found Myself not really having a place or a place that I knew what that I needed to be able to to live To go so I I found the woman's in it Prior to the woman's center My thoughts a little about okay was that Look at you too Boy, that's a lot of a lot of things are incorporated in I Would say I have a beautiful daughter. She's eight years old her name. Her name is Chloe Yeah Her mother Ashley we had a five-year relationship where she was born of course and There was a lot of drugs and a lot of Let me let me back that up a little bit She's always struggled with that aspect in her life I don't know exactly what the reasons are for her But I kind of was like sucked into it just because it's around my environment or whatnot And I've always kind of had a little issue with struggling with drugs throughout my whole life as well You know, it was kind of like surges I you know, I go into it and then I snap out of it and I go back into it and snap out of it But because of the the trauma from that relationship and just a lot of fears It just it went bad we split our ways and I realized now that it was the best thing for all of us I couldn't see that at the time, you know Because we always want to hold on the things that we that we feel like that we are old would or you know Some things that are important to us and we all do that we want to grab on to something and I'll let go But that's basically what happened that led me to go into the center there because I had put my whole life into that relationship So I never didn't have many other Outlets outside of that, you know, so I you know, it was pretty much that was it And I focused on just that one thing. So when it was gone, I had nothing nothing So that's pretty much how I ended up with the lens I I've traveled a little bit. I haven't been to the West Coast yet, but I was born in Korea in South Korea Yes, so I was adopted when I was three years old. So I had a very young age You know, there's a lot of a lot of trauma going on there I didn't even know who my real birth parents were so I was adopted at three my my adopted parents Sandy and Ray They adopted me and then at the age of 15, they ended up getting a divorce So that split the whole family up which was kind of even more trauma on top of the trauma It was already there from being abandoned and adopted at three years old. Not even knowing my real birth parents My adopted father Ray. He's a minister or he was I should say so life He was in the Navy for that as well. And so when they But they ended up he ended up having an affair with one of the women of the church So that split the family apart and I was at a very vulnerable age at 15 So when that happened, I really didn't know what to make of it. You know here They adopted me took me in pretty much saved my life And then that happened so I didn't know what the thing You know, they got divorced that he cheated and he was supposed to be in a minister You know, it didn't look good. So I didn't really know what to think about all that. It wasn't good I'll say that at the time I couldn't see it for what it is But so that trauma on top of that I think was a foundation for me to struggle You know because I've been on the street since pretty much. I was 16 years old after I went and stayed with my Doctor mom Sandy she ended up kicking me out because I was too wild not going to school Do care about school ended up dropping out smoking pot You know staying out all night having a worried, you know What was it like living on the streets? It's rough. It's rough man You know you At that time growing up as a teenager, you know, I had no role models I had nobody to show me how to be or how to do so you so you get You get you know, you get to that savage mode because you're you have only have you when you're out down the street And you don't know how to do things right or wrong You just you're kind of just doing what you do and you're trying to learn from that you fail You learn, you know, so it can be rough. It can be rough It's tough. So I'm coming back up here when I am when I met him He was actually serving the community well stuck in the community and this recidivism of being on the streets You know, I myself had just recently started a company with a group of friends and we've been out trying to help the Unhoused community and this guy was I didn't even know he's unhoused I had really you know, I didn't even know you unhoused me He was just so humble all the time and just like helping everybody I'm like, who the hell is this guy and I watched you I watched you from afar cuz I usually crew Organized I watched them do the work and I sat back and then I came in and I asked them Would you like to start organizing with the mobile you with us and I'm out for the sound he's been helping out seven cents, you know So I met you at the arc. Yes I mean, oh your experience on you know homeless and just like Having only so many resources. Yeah, so that's yeah, so like yeah And that's I'm glad you asked me that because that's very rough as well when you're out here on the streets by yourself You know, it's kind of a learning process. It's like everything and the art The arc was a great thing for me because it was an outlet where I was able to even though I'm struggling with my own issues and traumas that I'm trying to you know, resolve and work around I knew that part of the part of the healing process for me was to be able to give back and help others Through these times that I wish I would have had someone to be able to talk to and help guide me And so the arc was a beautiful thing for me because it was an outlet for me to be able to kind of volunteer my time and You know, I didn't have a whole lot of like monetary, you know money, but that's not there's other things besides that, you know when you can actually you know provide actual love and Just understanding to people, you know, they just want to be felt and heard and you know validated, you know And we all have our different ways that you know, we you know accept that or what not It was a beautiful thing. The arc was a beautiful thing for me because it was able to I could humble myself to the point where okay It's it's bigger than me and You know because a lot of my life when especially when you're 16 on the streets, you become a selfish human being Yeah, that's all you know, that's all you learn because you're just surviving So we're doing if you know question, that's the number one right, you know, that's all to me I mean, I found a community a tribe at the arc, you know, we were all running the arc He was amongst the community that would come in and take ownership of the arc Unhoused people once when they started taking ownership of a space It was like it was beautiful to watch everybody was like making their own cleaning up after themselves You know by term, I left everything was clean. It's small. It was like Moffton. Everybody was doing their jobs. No, there's no Miss miss vocal use or anything, but I I love that about you. That's why I want to come I was like, yeah, this guy's hoping and that's a year. I love to serve for me with service work on this I didn't know what I Always I lived a different life wasn't so much me being a recovery drugs is crime You know lifestyle, you know be on the streets. I was homeless my mom died on on the streets as well I was in prison. I couldn't do nothing about it Well, you know some of the people the most homeless people I meet other people that have nothing at all They have nothing at all. It can be very true And you know, I don't know what I was a little student so and I met you guys and you guys are homeless in Staining in the warmest and we'll say it is winter time. Oh, I know I mean, let's talk about that. I mean, how do you guys say how do how do people survive in? 20 below zero weather Yeah, it can be brutal like I said, um at this the Warming Center they had you know the 7 to 7 7 p.m. They'd open the doors and Let you pretty much, you know, you spend the night there and then 7 o'clock the next morning is when you know Everybody gets pushed out and then they lock the door. So That's a challenge in itself is for you know, people that don't have a place to call home You know, you know, where are they gonna go? What are they gonna do? Especially if they're trying to stay sober especially if you're trying to do the right thing You know because it's it's hard when you don't have an environment where you feel safe to be able to explore These new things that you're trying to incorporate in your life, you know So it is it's a challenge and but that's what the arc was able to provide for me, you know And in my perspective, it's something is what you make out of that, you know You know, so it's funny that you mentioned how you mentioned earlier because I told someone just the other day You know, right now that is the very least possessions like materialistic items that I have But I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Yes And I don't even really know I mean I could explain it I just don't want to go there right now because there's a lot there's a lot to that But it's very true, you know when I had money I had vehicles, you know I had people trying to you know Be my friend because of the things I had and you know, maybe I knew it at the time And I probably did but I didn't care, you know, but now now that my pro my priorities are different It's it's a whole new world. It's just a whole new world like it's almost like being reborn So you see us using the warmest That you didn't know the recovery. I was a press star. Yeah, that's fresh out fresh out. That's pretty cool. He's operational. Yeah What's it like in there? Good guy brain trouble. Um, it's I think it's been a very good experience for me lately Like just like anywhere else, you're gonna have obstacles, you know You have a bunch of different people individuals in there that are trying to stay sober and they're trying to you know with the healing process So there's always you know things that you're gonna Experience that maybe you didn't want to you know other people's issues and stuff like that So it's um, it's a challenge because I try to use those things to try to better myself Anything I come across I try to use it to better myself Whether if I think it's bad or good or you know, it just it is what it is and how how am I gonna receive that energy? So it's been a very good experience for me Which is weird because there's I know I talked to someone else and all I've heard them do is complain and bitch and oh I'm sorry about the language, but and it just I mean I can understand that that aspect of it and that Perspective it's just it's funny to me though because like I'm on the whole other end of that spectrum now, but I can relate to it So just like anything it is what you're making But it's it's definitely I think I'm grateful to Brandon toby It's allowing me to be able to use it to step up and try to better myself and that's all I want I remember when you was on the house you didn't have a social security I know is that like oh boy that was um You know just like everybody else we can procrastinate on stuff and like I knew I wanted to you know I had the plan set up, but it's just getting myself in motion. You know like trying to take the initiative So I didn't have my social security card I didn't have my birth certificate or I didn't have my ID because the last place that I moved from I ended up Loosen all that I left it there, and they locked the stuff up, and I couldn't get to it. So I lost all that and I already knew this but come to find out once I got out here on the street You need those things to be able to survive Right, but now I'm out in the real world and it's like okay you need these things you need your ID You need your birth certificate. You need your social security card just the simplest things to get a job now You know they need to have those things. Yeah exactly they need to have those things So it was rough I just actually completed that and it might seem like a small thing to most people and it probably is but for me It was huge it was huge because it was just it was just another step in me validating Okay, you're worth this you you got this you can keep going you know you're making taking the steps Okay, take the next step. So it's for me. It's just one foot in front of the other right now You know just taking bring it on to bring taking the day on you know see you're talking about some two barriers barriers So what barriers that you have now has been unhoused and how would it be? well, what how could how could the community or The laws or how could things be different beyond how more helpful or resourceful for people that are Now how could we be easier? Yeah Like I mean it'd be nice that there's more you know more places that people go to there's not it's pretty limited around here I've noticed I Honestly feel though when you ask me that question is is It's bettering people just us being better as human beings because I mean There's a lot of people out here in this population that know nothing about this or care to know about this It doesn't affect them. You know what I mean, so that can be a barrier right there Just not wanting to involve yourself into something uncomfortable. So and like I know we've talked about I'm at that point where something makes me uncomfortable I try to delve into that because that's something something inside of me Maybe has a fear of somehow and I might not even realize it, you know what I mean But that that is pretty much like an alarm for me is hey, you know You need to take a look at this because you're not comfortable So what's really going on right here? You need to study this analyze it and you're all right with it So travel camera I love you philosophy Every since I've met I don't think I've ever seen you get mad. Yeah, I've seen you like irritate Oh, I definitely didn't walk away, but you handed yourself a very good way. Well, thank you. I I'm still working on my anger issues I got to know I don't thank you though I really appreciate that because a lot of people don't notice little things like that. Hey, dude I see that a lot of things I see things. I want I want peace I want to be humble as well. What do you see yourself on in the future? What do you see future? And that's what I was searching for is that peace Honestly Right now, I don't even know right now I just um, I'm just focused on trying to better myself, you know as a human being every day and every day And I and I gave it up to my higher powers that what's for me is gonna I'll be led to it or it's gonna be led to me I just need to keep on working on myself and bettering myself as a human being and whatever is meant to be is gonna It's gonna be that's how I'm