 Hello everybody, welcome to part nine B of the Magdalen manuscript where we are going to be getting into one woman story, a duty story, the partner of Tom, who was the person who channeled Magdalen in this manuscript. I am really excited about this section. If you missed the first part, part nine a I will put that down in the description box below, along with understanding the Magdalen which carries all of the playlist for all of the books we've been through in this Sophia Magdalen Divine Feminine playlist. Again, the Magdalen is not necessarily Mary Magdalen. It's the womb, it's the woman. And so we talked about that last week. And so we are going to be getting into one woman story, duty story today, which in my book is page 198. This is a pretty long section. So we are going to be dividing it up into little sections, as we have been doing, just to give you guys each a chance to really digest the things that are being said. If you don't have this book, I was just getting this book. Of course, if you can't afford it, this playlist will be up indefinitely. And the only chance that this playlist is going to come down is if YouTube takes it down. So it will be up for a while if you can't afford it. If you want to re-listen to different parts too, that's totally fine. That's why I'm going through this work because as you guys know, it is my opinion that the crux of this great awakening is each individual person. You yourself are the Holy Grail. And by understanding who you are on an internal level and working through your own stuff as a human being, that's the only opportunity chance that we have to win this war. Right? No one's coming to save you. You have to save yourself. And that is a privilege that has been given to you by our creator. All right. So let's get into one woman's story. Life spit me out of my mother's womb in Appalachia. There I live. Great Appalachian Mountains. Appalachian Mountains are the oldest mountain chain in the world, guys. Absolutely the oldest mountain chain in the world. That's why I love doing road trips up and down the East Coast because you're going through Appalachia and it's gorgeous. Beautiful. So let's start that again. Life spit me out of my mother's womb in Appalachia. Not to find waiting hands but a cold floor as she was unattended at my birth. My mother and I shared this experience in a little clapboard house by the side of the railroad tracks in Pinnick and Gap, Virginia. By birth name was Phyllis Elizabeth Zion, originally Sion. Within months I was thrust into another environment as my birth mother left home with me and my older brother and sister to escape an abusive marriage in search of her dreams. She wanted to be a country singer. And so when I was a month or so old, my father was at work. She put us all on a bus and we traveled across the great state to South Central Virginia where she left us with her parents while she went to find a singing job. But as life which was very shortly after our arrival, grandfather's tractor pinned him underneath when he took a hill the wrong way. My older brother told me the story only a few years ago when we found each other finally. He was running alongside the tractor so he ran to the house for help. He remembers grandmother running with her big black nurses bag. She took out a huge hypodermic needle which she filled with morphine for the pain. He watched her first squirt the liquid into the air and then injected it into my grandfather and then she tried to lift the tractor off him breaking her back instead. That's some heavy karma. Like that really sucks. My grandfather died underneath the tractor and grandmother never walked again. I never knew these people. I was an infant as this drama played out left inside the house while life and death called it to its side and who it wanted in the moment. We were handed out in four directions like leaves caught in a swirling wind. I wound up at a motel restaurant owned by a distant cousin while family frantically searched for someone to take an infant. There weren't many adoption agencies in the tobacco plains of Virginia in those years and I suspected families preferred to take care of their own as best they could. And so it was that I was ultimately farmed out like the tobacco I grew up around and raised by Queen Victoria reincarnate a staunch and severe woman a school teacher who couldn't have children of her own. At this apocalyptic juncture of the fates I was still quite shy of one year and I had already learned another equally pretentious name Judy Lee Pope. Ruby Carter poked loved me dearly there is no doubt of that her life and therefore the life of her husband who became my father centered around her church her family her school children and the constriction of me. But her God was a fearsome and jealous thing I couldn't tolerate. And as soon as I got old enough to question which in my instance was quite young, we came to loggerheads. I grew up almost totally without playmates wandering the tobacco fields of the Piedmont region of Virginia with a St. Bernard dog and a borrowed force. She sewed many of my clothes from from flower sacks and never did anything herself but work and sacrifice. These were my models. Oh and the judgment. They do a lot of judging in the country of Virginia. We were very poor though measured against the poverty of Brunswick County Virginia we were middle class I suspect. My father ran a country store that essentially served the abysmal poor black families that lived around us. I remember one barefoot woman who came in daily. She wore one single stocking over her head and ate one can of sardines and earned soda every day and orange soda. She wrote it in dialect and earned soda, orange soda. It never occurred to me then that this was probably all she had to eat and it never occurred to me either that she never paid. Dad wrote up little pieces of paper that represented bills. He died when I was 18 and I found the boxes of these unpaid bills totaling well over 20,000 which was a staggering amount of money to be owed in those days. He must have fed half of Rawlings, Virginia and simply never told anyone. I grew up being schooled in the fork of a pear tree. My teachers were a voice in the wind and whispers in the forest. I fashioned a bow and arrows myself and when the horses across the road were offered to ride I left home for hours every day to find something. I don't know what. I never had riding lessons the horses taught me the saddle and brittle anyone could figure out. And when the saddle slid underneath him with me in it on my first attempt I had a little talk with him about letting the air out of his stomach before I cinched the saddle. I had to have this little talk with him often but it worked. When his ears pricked up one day when he saw a fallen tree in the field I knew what he wanted. He wanted to fly and so we flew over it. I leaned into him. It was just a logical thing to do. He jumped the tree. I just got to fly along with him. After that there was nothing that stopped us. We floored rivers and tried right down the middle of the creeks. We wandered for miles through the dense forest and galloped over fields and meadows. Sorry guys my dog isn't here with me so if you hear some weird scratching noises that's that's Ravi. Hopefully he won't try to clean his wiener while I'm reading. That's very loud and gross but if that happens I apologize. We floored rivers and tried to right down the middle of creeks. We wandered for miles through dense forests and galloped over fields and meadows and if anything got in our way we jumped it. No one ever knew where I went on this forest. You could travel for days and not see another human being if you knew where to go to the forest and back roads of Brunswick County then. I lied to my mother of course. She wouldn't have allowed me to leave the yard but for well crafted lies that became a necessity of life very early. She objected to everything and anything. To her almost everything in life was either sinful or dangerous. I never went to a birthday party or slept over at a girlfriend's house. No one ever slept over at my house. There were fantasies other people lived on television. I had no idea people really lived like that. My adopted mother chose my clothes and told me what to wear every day to school even when I was much older. If I put on a sleeveless dress in June she said I would get a cold and she added layers. If I put on a sweater in January she told me I'd be too hot and dress me down. The ultimate effect of this control was that I didn't have any idea what I felt or what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and she sat stone face at the window watching for me to come home even then so she could approve my appearance when I returned to make sure I hadn't discovered anything sinful I'm sure. Once my date walked me to the door with his shirt not properly tucked in I was never allowed to date him again. I think I was still in love with him a decade later when we met and released each other from the fantasies we had each held in our own way for all those years simply because we have never been allowed our time. My father and mother slept in separate double beds in one bedroom. I slept with my mother until I left for college. My grandmother had the other bedroom. Ruby refused heralding a variety of excuses to ever finish the room upstairs. Thusly she even managed to control how I slept at night and she managed to never have to sleep with my father. Sounds like she was raised by a narcissist, a covert narcissist. Quit fidgeting she used to say to me when I turned too often lies still. Summers were endless, drenched in suspicion of tepid, stagnant pools of humidity. Yup, that's the cell. I lay for hours on end too hot to sleep not allowed to move only my mind free to move about. Winters I lay weighted under piles of ancient quilts and moving then due to the oppression of stiff blankets from the Civil War holding me in their spells haunting me with their vision that's still cold in the depths of a Virginia winter. Virginia winters are colder than Georgia winters because they're up in the mountains so I will say that Virginia does get snow. Some parts of Virginia not South Virginia but North Virginia does get snow whereas we don't. But I had my music in dance and I had a forest which instructed me to dance on her naked skin barefoot until I could walk across the forest floor without making a sound. I had borrowed a horse, a beloved Saint Bernard named Nicky, a teacher in a pear tree, a little friend in the jack in the pulpit plant and another in the pink lady slipper. These were my childhood advisers. There was one lesson I will never forget and now I watch it come to pass as prophecy in my own life. From my memory it was my first lesson delivered in the fork of that pear tree where I waged myself daily for years dialoguing with what I call words without a voice. Ravi, Ravi, Ravi. I was told that about every possible life experience would come to me so that I would ultimately understand and have compassion for the human experience. And I was told that someday when I was full of these life experiences my voice would travel around the world sharing what I had learned and that what I had to say would be a tremendous impact but only when I really didn't care about such influence. Funny how that works right? Hey Ravi. I'm sorry guys he's being really loud. And this is the only time I have to film this. I apologize. I also told that there was another part of me that somewhere and that someday I would meet the mate to my being and our work would be together and I wouldn't get up in the morning and go to a job like other people. I was told that he was part of my soul and our work together would have a vast beneficial influence in the world. This is essentially what I care to share of what I remember. Same girl. Same. Same. I know that there's another part of me out there. Girl. Same. Probably for a lot of us. Same. And there is one other early awareness that I distinctly remember. It was so funny because it never... Like growing up I never, I never wanted to like be with a man that had like a separate doll for me. Like the whole idea of the nine to five is just like I just, that just makes me want to cry. Like I never wanted to be like the housewife. I never wanted to like, I always wanted to work with my partner and I wanted our work to be like meaningful. You know, I always felt that connection that my divine masculine, if you want to call it that. And I would like our souls, I didn't know anything about twin flames at that time. And I know, I now know that's what my journey is, is a twin flame journey. Sounds like that's what hers was too. And so, I don't know, I'm resonating with this. And so I just, yeah, I'm sure a lot of us have had that sensation as well. From the time I was a little girl, if you like, a few years ago, well not a few years ago, probably about 10 years ago, there are these girls at this yoga shala that I was practicing at the time. This is right when I first like started going to India. And there was this guy that was practicing there. And the girls were trying to set me up with this guy. And I liked the guy as a guy, like I liked him as a friend. I thought he was really funny, but he wasn't my type. I wasn't like attracted to him or anything. He had some guy, but I just wasn't attracted to him. But they kept telling me, you know, he owns his business. He's really wealthy. You know, this is perfect for you. He thinks you're cute. And it hit me at that point how many women will settle just because of security. And I just won't do it. I just won't do it. I always laugh. I've always hated poor guys because I don't care how rich they are. Does that make sense? You know, like I don't care. I don't want my husband working a job that is like another life. Like, you know, we each have our own lives to live. We each have our own dharmas. We each have our own, but I want our relationship to be dharmic. I want to work with my partner and with my divine masculine. I want to do spiritual things with him, even though we have our own individual stuff too. And even though I am fiercely independent, I do like my own time as well. So I know what she's talking about. Like I absolutely know what she's talking about here. I want to travel with my divine masculine and do things with him. And I want to take it to India. You know, although I will suggest if anybody's thinking about taking a loved one to India, make sure you're really comfortable in that relationship first because things happen in India and the floors are all marble. Even the bathroom floors are marble. I would just make sure you're really... India is either going to make or break your relationship. Let me just put it that way. So I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling on, but I feel like a lot of us in this great awakening, I feel like that's confirmation for a lot of us that I guess it's like not wanting to be a part of the matrix. Like even though we have to be a part of the matrix to an extent, like we're born into the matrix, we're born into third density, so we have to play the rules of the matrix. I never wanted to be a part of the matrix. I wanted something more. I wanted something greater than that. And I just never wanted to settle. And I wanted passion with my partner. Like you can't... You know, I think a lot of women just settle and there's no passion. They just kind of go, okay, I'll do what I got to do to be how I want to be. Give me those babies, give me to a house and I'm good. But no, I want to crave my partner. I want to like physically crave him. I just was looking at a reading at the other day about partners wanting to like devour each other. I want with my divine masculine to have that, if that makes sense. So anyway, I think you guys know what I'm saying, and I think you guys can probably relate. All right. And there was one other early awareness that I distinctly remember. I knew that the secrets of the universe lay in physical experiences between a man and a woman when they truly loved each other. I knew that love was the greatest gift you could be given. I knew there was a place you could go. A road only opened through the gateway of physicality and few have ever walked. And I knew that that was why the church changed sexuality and why governments had such rules and regulations to govern what they called marriage. And while the whole subject has been both tabooed and regulated throughout the age of civilization, I suspected the serpent wasn't evil. And I knew that Eve must have been brilliant to want more knowledge. And I knew it was illogical for the loving God who created us to not want us to know anything. And I knew it was illogical for the loving God who had created us to not want us to know everything. I suspected if there was such a beast as the devil, the smartest place for him to hide would be in the church. I have something to say about this. And I think Stephanie and I are going to maybe do a show on this. After sitting like the Apocryphon books, like the Apocryphon books that were in the same books the Bible explained that the Garden of Eden, we were put in the Garden of, or Adam and Eve for lack of metaphor, was put into the Garden of Eden as a jail. Like it was a jail sentence. And it was put there by Lucifer. And Lucifer was the one that told them not to eat from the tree of life. And the serpent that told Eve to eat the apple. Well, first of all, Adam and Eve were twin flames. When it talks about her being made of Adam's rib, it's talking about how they were literally the same soul in two different bodies. So this is all metaphor. I don't think Adam and Eve actually lived. I think it's metaphor. So they're put in, they're jailed, and they're told not to do a certain thing. What does the serpent symbolize? Well, the serpent symbolizes Kundalini or Christ consciousness. And we know from the Magdalen manuscript and from other writings on this, on this idea of Kundalini rising of Tantric yoga, that it's the woman. It is the fucking woman who activates the man. Usually the woman has moments of enlightenment before the man does. That's why he moves himself into her, because she is the one that is giving the activation, right? So what does that then mean with the snake? Eve found Christ consciousness and then activated Adam. And so they were taken from the Garden of Eden. They were released from Lucifer's holding, total holding. Eden, I am starting to realize, is another metaphor for hell. It's hell. We're living in Eden right now, guys. We're living in hell. We have to awaken Kundalini to get out of it, because heaven and hell are for the perception of experience. Does that make sense? And we're going to do readings on this. And I know that's going to piss the Christians off by me saying that, but again, Christians, you're worshiping Lucifer. When you go to church, you're worshiping Lucifer, not source creator. It says so in the Bible. You're satanic. You're following the satanic path. Wake up. Get out of that programming. Get out of that matrix. That's another satanic matrix. She just said it right here. Let me reread this to you guys. I suspect the serpent wasn't evil. And I knew that Eve must have been brilliant to want more knowledge. And I knew it was illogical for the loving God who had created us to not want us to know everything. I suspect if there was such a beast as the devil, the smartest place for him to hide would be the church. Perhaps the church is also Eden. I knew the deepest secrets had to do with love, with what I now call a sacred relationship. I knew that my purpose was somehow tied to reintegration of these secrets. And I also knew there was another part of me out there somewhere and I began a lifetime search for him. I thought I saw him once his face pressed against the window of a bus that slowly passed us on Route 1 on the way to Petersburg. For a minute, the bus in our car traveled at the same speed in ours net. We linked in that brief moment and at some place that was holy, thought we were only maybe, I don't know, 8, 9 or 10 years old. It would be another 40 years before I touched such a holy place with the man again. I knew he played the guitar and wrote songs and had a voice of an angel. I always thought I knew his voice if I ever heard it. I know because twin flames, you don't need to twin flame until later in life. You don't need to twin flame until later in life. Let me re-enerate that. Your twin flame is not your high school sweetheart. It's not your first wife, first husband, second wife, second husband, whatever. Usually you meet your twin flame. Late 30s is the earliest 40s, that time period. Okay. Why is that? Because you got to go, you got to go through your dark night of the soul by yourself because if you were to come into union with your twin and you had not had a chance to work through your own ego, through your own shit show of a shadow self, then the relationship, because the relationship between a twin flames is so potent. There's so much electricity. If it's not ready, they're not emotionally ready for each other. It can backfire, right? If they have worked on themselves and they come together, then it's the most powerful thing in the world because no one will love you like your twin because they are you. They are your soul. Let me explain that again. Let me just re-enerate this. You're not robots of each other, right? So you are different people. Okay. You have different identities, different families, different life experiences. You are, you can, you have the free will to walk away from each other if you want to. You have that choice because your psyches are different. You are different people. You are autonomous, but your soul is the same. Okay. And from what I understand, going through a Plato symposium and all this stuff is that at one point, these are only the oldest of souls that decide to do this because everything's constantly a journey. It's constantly a journey of understanding who you really are in relationship to God. And so the oldest of souls sat down and were like, you know, it'll be real fun. Let's split. Let's divide ourselves. One will take on the role of the divine masculine, one will take on the role of the divine feminine and we'll go through lifetimes searching for each other. So if you don't have a twin, don't worry. High, high level soulmates are really great because a twin journey is not, is not fun. And the dark, the polarity, the dark forces do a lot to keep twins apart because when that love comes together, that unconditional love comes together, it can change things vibrationally speaking. Right? Look what happened to Adam and Eve, got them out of the Garden of Eden. Look what happened to Magdalena and Yeshua. It opened up the 1,000 years of peace called Tartaria and the Merovingine line. So we have to remember that. And that alchemy though, again, he talked a lot about sacred relationship before when you enter into that. The sacred relationship is you and your twin and your beloved, right? That's, that's, it's not just any Tom Dick or Harry. You don't pick your twin. I know Stephanie, I've talked about this. These people are confused that they, you have like a vending machine of who gets to be your twin. No, you don't pick your twin. You have one twin. That's it. One. You don't get to like it. I don't like that twin. I'm going to pick it out. No, it doesn't work that way. All right. And so that's it. And, and she talked about how she knew things about her twin. I can't share, but there were things I knew in my 20s. There were, there's two things that I was told in my late 20s around my Saturn return. I'll never forget. I was in turn of a call Boulevard. And I didn't really know a whole lot about twins at this time. I'd read Plato sympodi symposium for shits and giggles, but I wasn't really, I didn't realize that was what was happening. That's what I was on. This is about 10 years ago, 12 years ago. And I guess it was Magdalene because she's the one that's been speaking to me. And she said two things I'm looking for. I'm not going to say what they are on camera. One day I will. And it was odd because it was things that I had never considered before. And so I know what she's saying here. So anyway, all right, shall we continue? Let's keep going. In terms of what shaped me, I can look back and remember the incidents that made us question the veracity of what was presented as authority. In the church, I was forced to attend. I heard preachings on Sunday about love and non-judgment. I heard preachings about how God didn't care what you wore, but only saw what was in your heart. But I frequently overheard parishioners and the preacher criticizing and deeming each other before they even got out the door. Can you believe she wears that church my young ears heard when my logic knew that was all the poor woman in question had to wear. I could see hearts then and I saw purity in that old woman, but they only saw clothing. That's my favorite thing about the South. I told you guys Southern women are savages. Again, if a Southern woman tells you you look healthy, that means you're fat. You got fat. If they call you, if they say bless your heart, they're calling you a dumbass. Now, when Southern women want to gossip, what they do, what the church ladies do is they say, oh my God, did you see what that girl was wearing to church today? We should pray for her. Or, oh my God, did you hear, you know, Jane Doe is sleeping around her husband? We should pray for her. As long as you say that you should pray for them, it's technically not gossip. According to the Southern, savage Southern ladies. So that's my favorite. Do you want to hear some comical gossip? Just go stand outside of a church on Sunday and listen to what the Southern ladies are telling each other, always ending it as we should pray for them. All right. Well, you know where she comes from, don't you? I wouldn't expect much out of her. Her family is trash. I couldn't understand blaming someone for the actions of their parents or their distant cousins. As I remember hearing, always be good to your family. They're all you've ever got. And always remember that blood is thicker than water. Hmm. That's a funny thing to say to an adopted child who had no blood around. I simply never believed what I was told by the humans around me. And there was an extraordinary events that made me look elsewhere for answers. I don't remember how old I was. Maybe eight or nine. I had just gotten into bed one summer night. My mother was grading papers and my father was reading. I distinctly remember pulling a single sheet up to my chin when a glow appeared in the room. I transcended the darkness, creating an unmistakable luminescence, a pregnant witness that made the very air seem visible, like floating molecules beyond my wildest imagination. I had no backdrop for mystical experience, though I'm sure now this is what it was. Three lights appeared in the room, one on either side of the bed and one in the very close center at the foot of the bed. A form appeared below the center light and it seemed to rock. Though now I understand that this is probably a pulsation. I was frozen, completely unable to move, which exaggerated my fear. I told myself that I could only move one digit of a finger. I could break this terrible spell and so I focused all my energy on moving one finger. It was impossible. So then I tried to focus all my will and my throat to scream for help. I can make no sound. I thought I would surely die there, frozen to the spot. My father came down the hallway towards the bedroom and I knew that if he came into the room, he would break the spell. And so I sent him every thought I could muster to please enter the room. But he stopped at the door as if he'd forgotten something and he turned around and never entered. I knew that the lights, whatever they were, had planted a thought to change his mind and I knew I was dead. I don't know how long this other worldly spell lasted, but slowly the lights on the side dimmed. The pulsing of the center finger slowed in direct relation to the dimming lights. The lights on either side disappeared at the same time. Blip! I was now transfixed by only the central light above the rocking figure. Slowly the rocking slowed in direct proportion to the light slowly extinguishing. Finally I was held by the unmoving apparition of formless form underneath a single dim light. As immediately as it had begun, simultaneously the figure disappeared. The light left and I was free to bolt out of the bedroom and tear down the hall. I threw myself into a chair hanging on for dear life and told my mother what had happened. I refused to go back to bed, though eventually exhaustion went out. Girl, I had all those same experiences when I was a child. I will write a book one day about all the weird shit that happened to me as a kid. For sure. For sure. I know I've talked about some of them on this channel before, but every day it was like a shit show in my house for me, so I totally get this feeling. In the morning we received a phone call from an aunt to say that her aged mother-in-law had died at precisely the same time my incident occurred. So it was that it became a legend in my family that great aunt somebody or other had visited me when she passed. My only memory of her was of her sitting in a rocking chair slowly rocking back and forth. And perhaps it was she, though I prefer Metronon's explanation. He says it was an initiation from the three masters from other dimensions, and that could only be given after I'd finally decided to stay in a body. Though that decision, if Metronon is right, had been questioned many times since. I actually was told by a friend once, a friend who's no longer with us. She's since passed away from cancer. My body temperature gets really low. It drops between 94 and 92. When it gets down to 92, I've had at times been rushed into the emergency room as a kid. I know that's typical for RH negatives, but my friend would say all the time that I just tried to leave my body. Like my soul never was happy here in my body, and it has not been until this great awakening and all my work that I've done through yoga that I'm actually starting to actually like being in my body at 30 to 39 years to get here. But I'm actually starting to enjoy being in my body. And now that I understand that I do have the ability to ask for travel, and I do feel it coming. Like I know as I've learned that that I've been asked for traveling for a long time. And I just didn't know what that was. And I feel like I have more control over it. But being questioned many times. Yeah, I think so. A lot of us when we come into this third density body, it just feels so uncomfortable. And the rules of the matrix just feel so wrong that we don't want to be here, especially since we came through the veil of amnesia. We forgot. We made an agreement to forget some certain things to take in this incarnation. So I understand that. I totally understand what you're saying. And I'm sure a lot of you can relate as well. I suppose that because Ruby had not allowed ordinary life to touch me for so many years, I rushed headlong into it. And my father died and I left for college at 18. I clearly began to have those life experiences the voice spoke to me about. I fell in and out of love like children learning to walk or fall down. I was desperate for love, desperate to be touched, desperate for passion. The love toddler landed safely on her bottom until one night when a date refused to take her home. I remember the feeling of the fright when he drove past my street and turned instead down a dark road towards his own apartment building. His intentions were made clear when he used a martial arts grip on my arm forcing me inside his apartment. When he turned his back inside, I bolted running for my life. He took chase. As I ran, I had to make a choice between staying in the shadows or trying to make a phone call. The phone booth lay in light, clearly visible to anyone chasing a frightened young girl. I chose the lighted phone booth, hoping that I could make an emergency call before he spotted me. But when I got to it, the phone was broken and he had spotted me. I ran towards the beach, sinking deeply into the sand with each dried and exhausting myself trying to run through marsh grass and sand dunes. But I got away. After walking several miles along the beach, I saw figures approaching in the dim moonlight. And I panicked and took the back and took back to the roadside to cover the last five or so miles home. It was now the middle of the night closer to dawn than night. It had been a long night of escape and terror. A car pulled alongside me and a voice said, You must be crazy walking out here in the middle of the night. What's wrong? Let me give you a lift. You're not safe out here walking like this. I appeared to see a safe looking face, one I had never seen before. I must have been crazy because I got into the car. He immediately sped up to a pace that left no possibility of jumping and pulled out a blade and gleamed in the moonlight, leveling it sideways at my throat. He drove somewhere deep into the dismal swamp as far as the road went. The rest of that night meant the dawn was a blur of blood and struggling with the moonlight, sharding off a nightlight. We all can relate to the story as women. After the battle was over, he drove me back to the very street I had tried so hard to get to that night and dropped me off on the corner. I wore a fencing mask for weeks, ashamed somehow of my cuts and bruises. As if a girl trying so hard to get home had done something to deserve the terror of that night. I ultimately went to the police, but at that time, Virginia Beach had a policy of printing all RAP victims named in the local paper. I knew Queen Victoria would hear what happened and I just wasn't ready for what would create. And I just wasn't ready for what that would create in my life. Oh my God, oh my God. If you're a police officer and you guys are putting RAP victims names in the newspaper, I got two words for you. Fuck you. Don't do that. Don't do that. That's like, that's violating the person all over again. It's very hard, very hard to talk about these things as a woman when you go through these things. I, with my situation, only a few people really know the story. It's hard to talk about this. Okay, so if you are a man or and you think a woman should just talk about it, like, you understand she has to relive that all over again every time. God, people are dumb. All right. The thought of her accusations of her screams of sin and guilt were more oppressive, more terrifying than anything that happened to me that night. Yep, the shame. That's why a lot of victims don't come forward. I closed that door and went on with my life with passion. I went to work at a radio station and moved into a phase of success in media and communication that was to continue through all the emotional turmoil of the next 30 years. I met a handsome young man and we began today getting more and more serious. He asked me to marry him. I was thinking about it, though there were signs. I was ignoring things about him and other issues with me. I had been having problems with my period, but nothing else seemed wrong. So I ignored these sporadic appearances and continued my life. Finally, I sought help. Initially, I was told I had a tumor. Then I was told I was seven months pregnant. This was not my life plan. I suppose because I had not enjoyed my own childhood, I had no intention of ever having children of my own. I don't know how women don't know they're pregnant, but I can't judge because I've never been pregnant. Maybe it's because I'm skinny that I think I would definitely know. It would be definitely obvious if I was pregnant. I don't know. Anyway, children from what I had seen around me growing up are what kept women from having a life. I viewed women as trapped in an endless cycle of sacrifice, not to mention that I was scared to death of the shame and the pain. I married the handsome young man and spent a terrifying night getting birth to a girl, I was told. Perhaps it seemed the only solution at the time. My doctor had arranged a private adoption and I never saw her. It was the best choice I felt I could make under the circumstances. I had no money at all and I felt she'd be much better off with a family that I could afford to raise her. I suppose my own childhood of flower sack clothes and few opportunities was still too fresh in my mind. And it was the only way to keep Queen Victoria from knowing and avoiding seeking the illustrious and noble but poor Southern family into shame. I had the last two months of my pregnancy never leaving the apartment. I had learned at a very young age to draw the shades on things that were not supposed to be seen and I had become at that. My handsome young husband turned out to be gay. And though he loved me as much as a gay man can love a woman, I was after all still a woman. Through all of this I had managed to work my way through college and music, drama and philosophy. I had stumbled into radio as a DJ when women were first allowed that joy and from there I discovered the power of advertising. I moved into one of the most creative ad agencies in North America and worked my way into the position of authority and respect at a very young age in what was still a man's world there as well. I won awards and honors and was highly paid. I had a magic touch that translated into high profits from my clients and I loved what I did. I lived what was, I suppose, a dual life. My dates were filled with producing television commercials, planning campaigns, writing radio jingles, buying media, negotiating with clients and reps. My terrain ranged from the boardroom to the studio. I was a rare duck, equally adept at the creative ends and the business ends. I almost seemed to possess a psychic ability and advertisement. Once I knew the soul of a client, I could see how the business or product or image flowed out of who she or she was and could just as easily see the ingredients were needed to position the image or message. Then I could write and design the piece, whether it was print or audio or voice. And much to my surprise, I could just as easily sense the budget and skew it where it belonged, holding huge traffic patterns of media in my mind. I thrilled at filming in the mental crossword puzzles where the demographics of listeners, viewers, readers cross-matched certain words in a spot or a visual design to reach a certain segment of market, thus assuring sales. But my nights were not as successful. We looked good together and we had bought a home that was way over our heads in all my young yuppies as all young yuppies are expected to do. It was a Spanish mansion with a hand-painted tile fireplace and picture frame molding. There was a fountain in the back courtyard, a marble foyer that ran about 40 feet long to the foot of a staircase that could easily have been the scene for Gone with the Wind. It even boasted a servant staircase. Of course, we had no servants and our nights were spent trying to clean the alternating black and white marble tiles in the front foyer. The roof leaked and sadly needed replacing and the kitchen had never been brought into the 19th century much less the 20th. The illusion was great, but you couldn't cook there. And so after working all day, I worked alongside my husband to renovate this ancient mansion at night. We had lots of parties. He loved parties. But I was always worried about who he'd fallen in love with before that night was over. His depression seemed to get worse when he was drinking and I knew our marriage was as much of illusion as the Spanish mansion. But you never know what will break the camel's back. One morning on the way to work, I skipped along the sidewalk towards my car trying to admire my dark green and Buick Electra. It looked good in the sunlight and the clients liked it. Then my heart ached for my old MG. A construction worker sat forlornly on the curb by the fender of my car. I ignored him as I stepped to the other side of the car and jumped back in shock. The driver's side had been sliced open as if a giant had mistaken it for a can of green peas. I stood there gawking. My jaw hanging against my chest. The construction worker stood up hard had in hand over his chest as if in respect for my now deceased vehicle. My demolition crane was on the way to a job and when we took the corner it jumped off the truck and did that to your car. We had a knife on it instead of the ball. They left me behind to wait for the owner to show up. I don't know why I cracked at the moment but it was the precise moment that I decided I needed to make a change. I managed to get to work only to be called to the president's office. He announced that he was leaving the advertising closing the business that month. I had been there five years and I loved my job. I was a writer and a creator. I produced radio and television commercials and planned campaigns and managed huge budgets for clients. These people were more family than I had ever known. I had just been given up for adoption again and we're going to leave it right there guys. I know that's in the middle of a chapter but I think that's a good place to stop again. This is a long section and I don't want to be on here for three hours with you guys because I don't want us to have time to take in what she's saying because as I've been saying throughout this whole thing, there's so many moments in these stories that we can all relate to and so I'm going to stop it there. Join us next week for part 9C where she is now going to change her life.