 Hi So I'm gonna read to you Kind of many years after being JT and it's After I've quit for about a year and so this is the first time that I go back to it once again and It's for the Premiere of the heart is deceitful above all things which is one of JT's short stories which was made into a movie by Asia Argento It's at the We're just about to walk the red carpet for Shrek too. I could see flashing lights as the gates opened The manager gave me a little push In front of us was a tiered structure stacked with a tidal wave of paparazzi The lights were blinding all I could see were white blotches as if my eyeballs had been melted by exploding light. I began to walk very fast Asia grabbed my hand and slowed me down Her touch induced something strange in me a calm settled into my fingertips and up into my torso She walked very gradually stopping every few steps She dropped my hand and put hers on her waist posing and smiling. I followed her Hamming up JT's nervousness. I was little JT Someone who didn't belong walking with a short gate like Charlie Chaplin Turning his head from side to side as if you were looking for someone. I Even looked up at the sky thinking Ham it up if you want to No one can tell who you are or how you got here Between the dark glasses the goucho hat the wig and the slump shoulders JT was impenetrable We made our way past the walls of cameras up the steps to a regal man and woman Were these the founders of the Cannes Film Festival? royalty Asia gracefully said her thank yous. I mumbled my own Thanks to the exalted ones The woman the woman strained to hear what I was saying and I snapped my head back as if a dog were trying to bite me She pulled back to pursing her lips a little confused We made our way out towards the back of the building You were fantastic as yet. Chow screamed asia's manager all of a sudden Laura Jeff and Thor appeared Baby, you were fantastic. There you were walking in front of Angelina Jolie You looked nervous Thor piped in Brian came up behind us and tugged on my sleeve. Who's another manager? We need to get to the premiere. Come on Thor and I aren't going to stay for the movie. We have an ice cream date. We'll see you soon Break a leg JT. Jeff said I gave them each a kiss Come on. We've got to go Brian exclaimed impatiently pulling on my hand Laura followed as he dragged me through a marble lobby up some stairs around a corner and up some more stairs He held his blackberry out like a compass. We need to split up. He said to Laura and get JT and Asia in first Now the manager led us while Brian blocked Laura. I couldn't understand why everything was so complicated I could hear Laura bickering with Brian We entered the dark theater people with flashlights directed us to the front of the audience a Spotlight descended on to us as we walked up the stairs in front of the screen I kept my head down and began the old shiver Asia recited a succinct list thanking everyone who'd made the movie happen. She passed the microphone over to me The shadow of my hat swallowed it up in darkness. I could vaguely see silhouettes of people their eyes flashing like cats in the dark I Want y'all to watch this with open hearts a little voice Timorous twangy girly. It's a very courageous movie Vive la resistance. I had decided to say that when I was on the airplane over People began to clap and I followed Asia down off the stage Just then I recognized a silhouette a silhouette Moving down the aisles in wrestling boots sunglasses and a cloche hat. I knew that walk I had followed it when we entered the Virgin VIP lounge in our pajamas the Ritz Carlton breakfast buffet So many places. I never expected to be Brian trailed behind her Asia and I joined her and we all slid into our reserved seats Laura grabbed my hand and whispered hoarsely. I Almost wasn't let in because of shit bird over here had to tell him a few things, but we made it. I love you I love you too She reached over and grabbed Asia's hand and said I love you to her in the same tone Asia gave her a cock-eyed look and then squeezed it back As the lights dimmed I tore it territorially kept my arm on the divider my hand next to Asia's Maybe we would hold hands. Maybe we would Maybe we would hold hands. I felt the old fantasies doing maybe we would fuck maybe we would fall in love Maybe we would elope a dream from the night before flashed before my eyes Asia and I were standing together on a cliff overlooking the sea the afternoon light flashed gold on the water Cicadas ground their wings so loud that we could barely hear one another, but it didn't matter The theater's digital surround sound boomed and Jeremiah came up on the screen He was being wrenched from his foster family. I Lifted up my hand off the divider and laid it gently in my own lap. I thought Maybe not. This isn't grade school. I don't need her to tell me who I am At the end of the movie. I started clapping so hard my hands burned. I had been sobbing without realizing it I could feel people looking over at us I had gone past the point of stopping like when you throw up so much that you get the dry heaves I Was sobbing so deeply that it sounded like a horse brain a flash flood Everything that happened with Ozzie and Tennessee JT story Laura's story and all of my yearning to be someone else to be someone who Ozzie wanted who other people respected Not just some kid some stand-in some puppet Laura got up dragging me with her and took me by the shoulders along the aisle. We went into a marble toilet stall Thanks