 Welcome to Major Moments of Mindfulness, the Lightenment Show. I'm Andrea Marion, creator and host. Your mindful awareness and focus happen naturally all the time. At the end of the day, those are the moments you remember. And intermittently, this awareness reaches a significantly higher consciousness level. A deep insight or intuition arises that changes life in a small or grand way. This is a Lightenment moment, which I explore with guests in each show. Today, Brianna Kruessen pronouns she, her, 28 years old. Brianna has a BA from Franklin and Marshall College, an MPH from Dartmouth College, a DO from Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine. While on a Fulbright scholarship in Poland, she had met Mike. They fell into dreamlike forever love. After returning to the States, Mike visited Brianna at Dartmouth College. Shortly after that visit, Brianna got a phone call from Mike's family. And in her own words, her Lightenment experience began. I got a call from his parents, from his dad actually. In August, August 25th, 2018, that Mike had passed away and, you know, I was shocked. I was like, you're kidding me. I just spoke to him on the phone two hours ago. Like, there's no way you must be making this up. I remember that morning him calling me on the phone and I was like, I'm at the grocery store. You're coming to visit me soon. And, you know, I'll pick up some ice cream for us. What flavor would you like? And that was the last conversation that I ever had with him. Mike died away very suddenly and quickly from an ascending aortic aneurysm. Brianna got inspiration from the book The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie McKeezy. One of the lines is, when the dark clouds come, keep going, said the Mole. Yeah, I felt a part of myself that I had never felt before. A sense of grieving that I had never fully experienced. You know, I had been through a breakup before, but it's different when the partner that you expect to be with for the rest of your life is torn away from you within seconds. I, at the time, you know, considered not going back to New Hampshire to complete my studies, my master's. I considered just giving up, right? Like my life would be easier if I just, if I just wallowed in the pain. You know, like, what do I have left to live for kind of feeling? Or why did it have to be me? Why did it have to be my partner that passed away? Like, what did I do to deserve this? Tears fall for a reason, and they are your strength, not weakness, said the horse. Sometimes, said the horse. Sometimes what, said the boy. Sometimes just getting up and carrying on is brave and magnificent. Brianna allowed herself to fully feel her grief. Shenzhen Yang, U.S. mindfulness teacher and neuroscience research consultant, writes, A complete experience means to experience something in a state of extraordinary clarity, concentration, and equanimity. A complete experience of pleasure delivers pure satisfaction, but has little substance. A complete experience of pain is poignant, but not problematic. So I ended up going back to New Hampshire to complete my master's program, and that is really where I started to feel enlightenment. That is where I felt moments of like, whoa, life has these beautiful moments, and I can keep going and I can get through hard times. My journey looked a lot more nature-esque, or I would say like inspired by things I was seeing outside. I took a specific time if I, you know, felt I was going to start crying in class. I would go outside. Really being outside was my, it was my happy place, and by this point it was the autumn in New Hampshire. So all of the trees were changing color, and I remember going for drives. I'm listening to music in the car, watching the environment around me. It was like pink, pink sunsets and changing leaves, and those were the things that I remember being particularly moving for me and particularly helpful to my grief. Henry David Thoreau writes in Walden, It would be well, perhaps, if we were to spend more of our days and nights without any obstruction between us and the celestial bodies. The music you hear is called Golden Summer, Mike and Brianna's Song by Pam Holland, a professional composer and pianist and friend from the Fulbright program. It led to a few things. First of which is I, and I think this is both the lighting moments combined with losing Mike. It led to a big appreciation for some little things in life or small things in my day-to-day life that have contributed to my happiness. I very much live my life with the motto now of, and this is going to sound cliche, but it's very true, just like things are transient, things are temporary, things don't last forever, and that's the beautiful thing about life, right? Like we see change and growth and we're almost stronger for getting through those moments. Shenzhen writes in his 1998 book, The Science of Enlightenment, impermanence is not merely something that you experience in your sensory circuits, it also informs the motor circuits. It's a kind of effortless energy that you can ride on in daily life. And Shenzhen goes on, What few people realize is the states of present and focus are trainable. Again from the boy, the mole, the fox, the horse, parable, What do you want to be when you grow up? asked the mole. Kind, said the boy. What do you think success is? asked the boy. To love, said the mole. Brianna learned to love again five years after Mike died. Yeah, so David is my partner. He is such a wonderful human and is one of the most emotionally intelligent people I've ever met. We actually met on our surgery rotation. And I remember balling in one of my surgeries. I walked in and you know how did my mask on and my cap on and so all you really could see were my eyes. And you just David noticed no other surgeons noticed, but David noticed that there were tears trickling down my eyes and you know, so let's take a break. Like it's not a good time to be in the OR. So we took a break and I ended up opening up to him. What's the bravest thing you've ever said asked the boy help said the horse. Is your glass half empty or half full asked the mole. I think I'm grateful to have a glass at the boy. But David and I are at the start of our residency. We just started this past June. And we're loving it so far. We love our program. We love the people in it. Eventually during residency, we hope to get engaged and married. And yeah, we'll have a lifetime together. Sometimes hard for me to think about that because I know in some capacity that my life could have looked so different. And if like we're still alive and I had a future with him instead of with David, but I try not to think too much on the like what ifs and you know, if things were different. I instead just focus on being present and being here and living each day or each hour even to its full capacity so that I can spend time with David and appreciate that or spend time with my dog and really appreciate that. In Walden, Thoreau addresses the time continuum that Brianna experiences. Thoreau wrote, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present to toe that line. I'm not aware of what people were going through like I didn't have the capacity to understand the emotional sort of turmoil or emotional endeavors that people were on that my patients, you know future patients could be on because I had never experienced grief not to say that people who haven't experienced a great loss can't feel that for others or can't sympathize with others but I really truly did not understand what it meant to be going through a really tough time like I was so grateful to have grown up in a stable household and never have experienced a hard death previously but Mike's death was completely eye opening for me and that loss can change people's life and grieving whether it's a pet or a family member or partner or you know, a parent. It's not even all sorts of different ways, but everyone is united by that grief if that makes sense. Through the New Hampshire countryside, Brianna let go of herself as she relaxed into intuition, wisdom, clarity, self acceptance, all expression of enlightenment, according to my theory. This is intermittent breakthrough, no self realization. It feels more placid right now. It feels stable for the first time in a little while. I think going through medical school is a turbulent time in and of itself, lots of waves in medical school of can I do this and am I in the right field. And even before that, you know, trying to get through my grieving and understand if I can continue. The warm sun and soft fall breezes and the brilliant golden leaves and light along rural roadsides brought Brianna rest. According to Shenzhen, the mind takes a brief pause or rest from ruminating fantasy, worry, planning, etc. The restful pause feels so good that one chooses it again and again to create a feedback loop of alpha brain waves. This is concentration power, harnessed for blissful, tranquilizing rest. This state, Shenzhen, tends to open one so that one fights less what comes into experience. Brianna intuitively used a similar practice that I would relate to my enlightenment theory. She opened herself to her experience in order to go on with her life. My death has forced me in a good way, a positive way to live more presently and just feel what is going on in my day to day. So I just would love to remind everyone that whatever you feel is what you feel and it's okay to have feelings and it's beautiful to have feelings. So I encourage you to honor those emotions, honor those feelings and remember that there are people out there who have experienced really hard things and if you need a community it exists. Get with who you are along with everyone else. This is the Lightman Show.