 were you Catholic? You know, what's funny is that my mom, well, my sit on my siblings all went to Catholic school in Mexico. And my mom herself, I don't know what her actual faith was because this is crazy because every form of religion was represented in the house. But I wasn't, I was never, you know, taken to church, I was never taught anything from the Bible. So for example, in the house, you'd see pictures of the Virgin Mary on the wall, you'd see crucifixes over the doorways. There'd be Ganesh figures in the house, Buddhas. My mom wore a star David around her neck and she would light all kinds of different candles. And when you're a little kid and you see this, you don't, you don't see nothing wrong with it. You don't know to question it. And it wasn't until years later. Now you know, you got to pick one. Well, and you got to really fight everybody. Yeah. So my mom never, she never, you know, got me into church and she never told me to pray. She never taught me how to, you know, any of that. It was just be good. Be nice to people and they'll be nice to you. How does she explain it? I never asked the question about all the the figures. I just thought there were cool little things around the house, you know, I had transformers and my mom had a Buddha and a Ganesh. It was like, that's her thing, you know, and she had candles. Ganesh makes it sound Jewish. I think it's Ganesh. I apologize. Ganesh, Jew Ganesh sounds like something like a dish. Yeah, it does. That's a she sounds like she did have who would bet on every on both teams in the Super Bowl. Yeah, cover the spread. Like, let's see how we can. She was very much into a lot of things, but she'd never, she never got me into any of them. And so that's why I want, you know, growing up whenever I'd have friends, hey, you want to come with me to, you know, come to my church or this or that. I'm like, wow, that's, you know, I don't really do that. But sure, you know, I've gone to several different types of churches to just see what it was like, but I was like, okay, no, I'm good. Here's, this is a kind of a broad question. How did you, because I think the point of raising kids with religion is they get like a moral framework. How did you build a moral framework independent of church, religion, faith? I'm just curious because I don't know many people who didn't, who didn't grow up with one. The fact that my mom was very, very involved in my life and I don't just mean like, oh, you know, she was a mom and fed me and took me to school and said, you know, take your vitamins and stuff like that. I mean, daily, I would spend a lot of time talking to my mom and she would tell me stories about her growing up. And of course, the neighborhood that we were, the neighborhood we were in was not a pleasant one. There was always shootings, there was, you know, the neighbor, the neighbor was always bullying me. And so it was one of those things where my mom had a like, well, this person's this way, this person's that way. You should be like this and give me examples of people in the neighborhood who had good personalities. And you could tell they were just nice, genuine people. But there was always that comparison. This person's nice, this person's not nice. And they were right in front of you because it was that kind of neighborhood. So I think that's where I got a lot of the, this is the comparisons and just my mom too. She was always very nice. She was kind of people. Was mom 1.0 the other mom before you came along? Was she nice? Oh, whoever my mom was before I came into the picture, I don't know because that's the mom that sent her kids to Mexico. But I don't know what the whole story is. I don't know what, you know, because I've never wanted to ask because I feel like if you open a certain door, you got to prepare yourself for all the bullshit that comes with it. Yeah. And I'd, I like peace. I really do. So I'd rather not, you know, I'm okay not knowing because that's before my time. And it doesn't affect your business. That's funny. Mom 1.0ing. She's still with you? No, unfortunately, my mom passed away about 11 years ago. Oh, sorry about that. Because I was gonna say it sounds like I would be prying, but you've seen this podcast. I like to pry. So because you grew up so religious and your father still religious and I'm assuming it's part of the tension or whatever, I had thought watching you, which is like, do you pray? No, not anymore. When did that stop? Do you, so do you believe in a God? I don't know. Yep. I have no idea. I think I got to a point, it was really difficult in my early 20s and my late teens because I grew up when I was like 20, I like dated an atheist and I was like, so you don't have that little voice in your head that is like, but there's God. He goes, no. I was like, you, so what does your parents tell you growing up? He's like, I got scared of death and they said, yeah, you're gonna die, but you're gonna live a good life first. And I was like, what? Like, I couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that there were people who never thought about God. Like, I was always taught that everybody has this yearning in their heart and their soul and their brain going, there is something bigger and I know it and I don't know what it is, and all they need is for you to say at VBS like, hey, it's- What's VBS? It's vacation Bible school. They were always trying to get us to recruit in like middle school and high school, like bring your friends, this is when we get them. And they really told us that they were like, people are- they want an opportunity to be told like, there is God and here he is and here's the book and they're like, oh, that's what that yearning's been. And there are people whose parents never raised them with religion and they don't have that. And so where I got to eventually is I was like, I don't know if there's something else. I'm not against it. I don't really have strong feelings one way or the other. I do- what I do believe is that if there is something else and there's a good chance there is, whatever it is, we cannot figure it out. We cannot wrap our heads around it. So why are we- we're trying, but it's not something that we're gonna- Yeah, that's what I came to in the special where I- the DMT fucking strobe-y part. What I came to was like, oh, this is- I experienced a central creation force and was like, oh, this is so far past my comprehension. It's cute that people try. Yeah. It's like, oh, that's cute. And the stories and then he said this and then he came down and he had props and like, that's all nice, but there's no fucking way you can comprehend it. Yep. Do you wish you did have a frame or do you wish you- do you miss the simplicity of it? Do you feel guilty about not believing? Do you feel- I say I miss the certainty, but I never had the certainty. I'm jealous of the certainty that people- I know, right? That was the thing is like when my mom died, I was like, everybody said, well, we're gonna see her again. It's okay, we're gonna see her again. Yeah. And I never felt that way and I felt so guilty because I was like, well, clearly I'm not believing right. I'm not believing enough. I'm not a good Christian because everybody else is so sure that we're gonna see her again and I just don't feel like I'm going to and that was very disorienting and I think kind of where everything stemmed from. I was always really scared of hell. I never felt like there was a heaven. That's funny. That's a funny- I think that's more common than you'd think. Yeah. Like because it's so- they're both pretty cinematic, but like one's visceral. Yeah. And one's like imagining- one's like you get burnt and you're like, oh fuck, I fire. Yeah. Whereas heaven's just like, no, it's just nice and chill. And you're like, I can't- there's no there's no sensation to that. Yeah. It's just like, no, it's cool. It's like a fucking Four Seasons. Yeah. My parents weren't religious at all, but they didn't replace it with anything. They never said we don't believe- they didn't even said- they never even said we don't believe in God. Yeah. It was not discussed ever. Did you see- you- but you would see it in movies, right? And go like what- I mean, oh God was out. Oh God. I thought you didn't believe in me. Uh, that's just an expression. I loved Oh God. I was hanging on to Oh God for dear life. I wanted George Burns to be God. So it- you had nothing. So I have nothing. And also in that period there was an enormous amount of terror about Russia. So in the- you know the Reagan year, in the early 80s, they were scaring us into thinking a nuclear attack was going to happen at any moment. Yes. So that along with no religion, no spirituality, it's not like someone was explaining Buddhism to me or reincarnation or anything, that would just became a gaping hole that it's taken a lifetime to try to fill it with something. What is the- when you think- is it the- the however long the death sequence is? Is it- or is it the nothingness that you're afraid that will follow it? It's funny because I have a nothingness fear but I also, if you said you can live forever, that's scarier to me. The idea of that. So there's no pleasing you. There's no pleasing me. I'm screwed either way. Why would that scar- I used to want to live forever. What- why does that scare you? The enormity of it. It's just too much. Oh that's interesting. There is something structural about death that pleases the human psyche. Gets you off your ass. And you know since then, you know I've read a lot of Buddhism and I'm interested in all of those ideas and I'm certainly not settled but I probably have calmed down a lot compared to- to what it was. How would it man- would it be like panic attacks, dread? Yeah, yeah absolutely. Just like just- when it got quiet it was not really handleable for me. So only through meditation did I find a place in quiet and with myself that was manageable but for a long time it was like keep your brain thinking about anything but that. And that also drives workaholism and comedy and the absurdity of life and isn't it weird we care about these things and so in a lot of ways it's what all the comedy is about. In more of saving up death or the fear of it. The absurdity of all of it. Just like none of this makes sense. Yeah the standards are absurd. I can't believe men and women are supposed to get along. Yeah, everything. Then we die and then you fucking disintegrate. And this is the setup for all of it. Yeah. And so you know for me that that's what drives everything is. I just like I can't believe that these are the situations. That's why most of my movies are not very imaginative because I don't need it. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. I don't really need it. I really feel like things are so bizarre that just trying to get along with anybody is ridiculousness. So you grew up in the Baha'i faith. Yeah. I lived in Wilma at Illinois where they said the Baha'i temple. Yeah. Did you go to Newtrier High School? I would have. We moved. Oh okay. Yeah because I went there for a couple years to Newtrier. Did you really? Yeah because my parents moved over to the North Shore or Chicago too. Yeah. But did you ever go in the temple there? Yeah. About as beautiful a structure as I've ever been in. Gorgeous. When did they make it and how much did it cost? They laid the foundation for it in 1912, started building it in the 30s and 40s and it wasn't finished until the 50s. Part of your I know that you had a loss of faith before you came back in the past decade or two and your parents were devout. Yeah. Did you sort of I always see Catholicism my group Catholic as the it's like introduction to hypocrisy. Like here you want to know what hypocrisy is? Here how everyone here lives versus what they. Yeah. Claimed to be. Yeah. Did you were you was that part of your loss of faith? That's hysterical. That's really well put and yeah 100% that wasn't all of it but one of the things that was so weird was Baha'is are all about love and unity and peace right like most world's religions are. So we would go to all these Baha'i meetings we would sing like kumbaya Baha'i songs like pray meditate together read holy writings the world's religions because Baha'is accept and believe in all of the world's faiths and we talk about love and bringing people together healing racial prejudice you know it's all about like healing the world using spiritual tools to heal the world which I'm very much into and then we'd come home and my parents wouldn't talk to each other and they certainly weren't having sex and they certainly they weren't loving and they would fight and there would be broken dishes and doors slammed and yelling and you know I remember many times we would have a Baha'i gathering at our house but they'd be in the middle of some fight and like people would be coming in the door and she would like slam and break dishes in the sink walk my step mom walk through the living room slam the bedroom door and my dad would go okay so does anyone want any tea and you're nine years old you're like what the fuck yeah what system it says what the hell is going on here and then you start to see because at any religion religion you're gonna see hypocrisy because people are assholes and we're trying to be better people but oftentimes the asshole wins out and then when you get into that Holden Caulfield stage as I did in around 20 21 years old I'm like fuck this I don't want to be a part of this bullshit and I don't want God and morality and the rules and and all this hypocrisy that I see around me I don't want to be a part of that well here comes the anxiety and how did you figure the anxiety thing out or is it just accepting that it's diabetes thing that you're going to keep your eye on at least so treat so mental health we talked about this the other day but the whole conversation about mental health is getting a little played out yeah it's super important to have but I also feel a little sheepish even talking about it because everyone is talking about their mental health struggles which maybe is a good thing and I think it it can be yeah it's like it's the hacky things can be correct yeah meaning Wayne's World one of the greatest movies ever made yeah but people started saying swing and not and all that shit so which was aggravating yeah that's what she said in your case and hallmark cards five out of six times they're pretty right on the money yeah yeah they just it's they're too on the money that's the problem is Wayne's World is too funny that's a great analogy so in the 90s when I was having these anxiety attacks I was had a lot of other issues going on I didn't know what to do I didn't have any money therapy was not really an option I went to therapy when I was at NYU and then it was too much money after that and so I did the only thing I knew how to do which was to look at a possible spiritual path because I thought oh I've jettisoned the Baha'i faith and I'm not having anything to do with God maybe there's a spiritual way for me to rectify all this imbalance that's going on in my life so I really studied a lot of the world's religions and read foundational texts from Hinduism and Buddhism and and the Bible and many other different religious faiths because I was searching for some I was being selfish really it's so funny it wasn't like I was like Gandhi I'm going to heal the world it was like yeah I feel shitty how do I make myself not feel shitty have the same exact experience let me look through these texts self- interest is a fine motivation it's a fine motivation I'm my girlfriend now I'm like I'm not doing this for good this is all totally motivated by my own need and desire to feel good this is not an asset of generosity hey did you like that did you like that yeah did you like it though you want more don't want to work would rather watch videos of me grab acid with people first I'll go up here to subscribe and then go up here to watch more clips this is like when the weatherman says there's a high parenthesis coming in I'm not really used to the green screen