 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. This is Phil, and now here's a word from RCA Victor. For value, for performance, for quality. Remember this name, the RCA Victor Regency. Remember the Regency for the finest television you could ever buy, and at a cost so low it will amaze you. Yes, it will pay you to remember the Regency, because the Regency brings you big screen 17-inch television with all the performance and quality that has made RCA Victor television million-proof, proven in more than two million homes. Clear pictures, steady pictures, the best possible reception anywhere, make the Regency RCA Victor's greatest console television set. And the console cabinet is beautiful, a fine furniture piece, a magnificent example of expert RCA Victor craftsmanship. You'll be proud to have it in your home, so stop in at your RCA Victor dealers. Ask for it by name. Yes, remember the Regency, the console television that gives you more for your money. Better write that name down now, the RCA Victor Regency. Today is the last program that Phil and Alice will do this season. They'll be back on the air next fall, but last Friday, things appeared a little dubious. Faced with the problem of whether or not to rehire them for next season, Mr. Scott had called a meeting of the board of directors of RCA. Let's look in at that meeting. Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to make a momentous decision. Shall we rehire Phil Harris for next season? Or replace him with Cecil the Seasick Caesar? I... I think our choice is rather obvious. You mean we shouldn't renew Harris for next year? No, I didn't say that. It's not entirely up to me, and I'm not going to try to influence you gentlemen. We'll take a fair vote. Now then, all those in favor of firing Harris say yes, and all those in favor of signing him for another year, keep your big fat mouth shut. I vote for dropping him. I vote for dropping him, too. I vote for keeping him. Hemingway, one more stupid remark like that, and none of your relatives will get television sets wholesale anymore. Well, that's two to one in favor of dropping Harris. We have one more vote. How do you vote, Mr. Jealouson? Jealouson, I'm talking to you. Wake up! Did you hear what I said? Jealouson! Huh? Oh, oh, oh, yes, dear. Oh, you're always right, poopsie. Kiss me. What are you talking about? Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot where I was. I thought you were my wife. Do I look like your wife? Yes. You sound like her, too. She's always yapping like you. Yackety, yackety. All right, all right. This is a business meeting. We're discussing an important issue, and yours is the deciding vote. What do you think? Well, I wasn't listening, but whatever you say is okay with me, Mr. Scott, because I'm with you. Well, that makes it three to one. Then it's agreed that we will drop the program for next year. Oh, is that what we're voting on? Oh, I'm sorry, Major's God, but I think the stars of our program are excellent, and nobody's going to get me to vote against Jake and Molly Goldberg. Oh, never mind. It seems we can't reach a decision here, so we'll just have to leave it up to our stockholders. They're having a meeting this afternoon, and we'll let them decide. Meeting adjourned. Alice, why don't you want to take this job for the summer? We got to make a buck somehow during our layoff. Besides, Frankie went out of his way to get this job for us. I don't care. I refuse to be the bearded lady in the circus. I'm not going to appear in a side show. All right, all right. You don't have to be in the side show. Just do the double act with me in the circus. Well, just what is the act? Oh, it's an easy act. You be sensational in it. You make your entrance in shimmering sequined tights with your long blonde hair falling in waves over your soft white shoulders. The audience goes wild with applause. Oh, then what? Then you climb into the cannon and I like the few. You mean you're going to shoot me out of a cannon? Well, why not? It's a great job. They'll pay you $100 a week and two cents a mile. Oh, Alice, won't you reconsider? Alice, don't let him talk you into it. As your brother and business manager, I refuse to let you do it. Now, don't worry, Willie. I won't. You hold out for four cents a mile. If mommy doesn't want to be shot out of a cannon, can I have the job? I'd like to have it, too. Don't be silly. You're just a couple of kids and you couldn't possibly... Why not? With two of them doing it, we'd get $200 and eight cents a mile. And they're lighter than Alice and they can travel further and they... Fail. Don't cotton to it, huh? If I were you, Philip, I wouldn't worry about the summer. I'd concentrate on looking for a new radio job for fall. Wait a minute. What do you mean about a new job? RCA is sure to renew me. And if they're silly enough to let me go, I ain't worried. I can always make a good living as a singer. Whose voice are you going to use? I never know until I get started. Might be Mario Lanza. It may be H.C. O'Pinza. In fact, I feel a little Dorothy Kirshenich, right? My introduction, please, wingy. Possibilities, possibilities. We're living in a world as full of possibilities. Ain't no miracle too impossible for anyone who sees the possibilities. If you recall your history, then you will find that all our famous men turned out to be the kind of men who never stopped to look behind. They looked ahead to see what they could see and they saw possibilities. Possibilities, they never overlooked a single possibility. Prove, naturally, opportunities for the one who sees the possibilities. If you recall and try to solve the phenomenon, the skeptics say it's just a dream, I know. But after you're a hero and the job is done, then you can tell them all I told you so. Yes, there are possibilities. Possibilities, if you will only make the most of your facilities. Folks will idolize, even eulogize the little guy that sees the possibilities. When Christopher Columbus proved the world was round, he called Queen Isabelle on his return. She said, now tell me, Chris, about this place you found. He said, well, Belle's forest, I'm concerned, it's sure got it. Possibilities, possibilities, I tell you, Queen, I've never seen such possibilities. And I really feel we should make a deal before somebody sees its possibilities. When little Abe was growing up in Illinois, to be a big success was his intent. He studied so much harder than the other boys, till one day he became our president. He saw the possibilities, possibilities. He never overlooked a single possibility, proven naturally. Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibility. I guess by now there ain't no doubt about the point I'm bringing out. So if you'll open up your eyes, you are bound to recognize the possibilities. Possibilities, we're living in a world that's full of possibilities. Ain't no miracle too impossible for anyone that sees the possibilities. My voice, what do you think? How much does that cannon job pay again? Ah, so you don't like my voice, huh? First you refused to grow a beard for me and now you can't stand my voice. Oh, fail, I... Alice, what's happening to us? We seem to be drifting apart. We're always at loggers' heads. We don't seem to get along together anymore. Could it be that we're becoming incombustible? Honey, would you stop it? We're as combustible as we ever were. Honey, the word's compatible. Gee whiz, I told Remly to look for a real good job for us and I know the guy'll come up with something to... Wait a minute. Come in. Hey, just talking about you. How are you, Frank? Curly, I couldn't wait to get over here. Have I got a job for you, Alice? You'll love it. Have you got a tuxedo? Tuxedo? What kind of a job did you get me? You're a shill for a floating craft game. Remly, what's the matter with you? You don't like the job? Well, it's okay for Alice, but what do I do? Oh, I'm coming to you, Curly. I got you a job in Vaudible. A friend of mine does a comedy animal act and he's looking for a partner. You got me a legitimate job? Well, I'll be a horse's neck. No, that's not the end you play. Of course, after a while, Curly, you might work yourself up. Oh, I'd never mind. You're gonna have the job. I don't need it. In fact, I'm never gonna have to work again. I have found a way out. How? By using my guitar? What are you gonna do? Sharpen it and stab yourself? No. I sold my guitar, took my life savings, and bought stock in RCA Victor at $19 a share. Frankie, you put your whole life savings into it? How many shares did you buy? One. Now I won't have to take any orders from Mr. Scott anymore. Now on, he'll be taking orders from me. How so? I'll give you, for instance, how so. Scotty works for RCA Victor and RCA Victor is owned by its stockholders and as I am now a stockholder, Scotty is working for me. That shouldn't happen to a dog. Careful what you say, Alice, or I shall be forced to dispense with your services. What makes you think you can fire me? Quite simple. You work for Scotty and as I have just pointed out, Scotty works for me. Therefore, that makes me your boss. I revolt. Frankie, if you think I'm gonna... Quiet, Blondie. Don't talk back to your boss. I'm over here and sit on my lap while I dictate a letter. Frankie, I'm not gonna sit on your lap and I'm not gonna... Don't argue with him. Get up on his lap. Climb up there and behave yourself. We haven't been picked up for next year yet. You haven't? No, Scotty was supposed to let us know today and we're still waiting to hear from him. Why wait? Let's get down and see him. There are a few things I want to tell this new employee of mine. Music bridge. And so, Mr. Scott, as a big stockholder and RCA Victor, I have decided to take an active interest in the operations of the company. Harris, is this true? Is this schnook really a stockholder? That's right, Mr. Scott. Yes, in a manner of speaking, you are now working for me, Scotty. Oh, to think this should happen to me during National Pickle Week. Now look here, Remna, you can't come into my... Tut, tut, tut, tut, you can't... Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut. No way to talk to your employer. Now then, how long have you been with my company, Scotty? One year. What is your position? What do you do to earn your money? I'm a vice president. Answer my question, what do you do to earn your money? Well, I... Never mind, you're through. Take your lunch out of the filing cabinet, your socks off the radiator and get out. Now, just a moment. Nobody can discharge me without a reason. Gotta have a reason, huh? Scotty, what time is it? Oh, look, it's exactly 22 minutes after 11. Thank you and you're fired. What for? I won't have a clock watcher working for me. Oh, Frankie, will you please be quiet? Mr. Scott, Phil and I came down to find out about next year. Yeah, have you and the board of directors decided to renew my contract? We haven't reached a decision yet, Harris. Two of the members voted to retain you and another member and I voted to let you go. Got it. You mean that you voted to drop me? Why? I don't know. Just seemed like fun at the time. To think that you'd do this to me after all I've done for this company. What have you done? What have I done? Well, let's face it, Scotty. What is RCA Victor today? The biggest company of its kind in the world. Correct. But what was it before I started working for them? The biggest company of its kind in the world. Exactly. I didn't hurt it one bit. Not only that, Mr. Scott, if you keep me on the air, I guarantee I'll increase your sales. Now, for example, what have you sold this past year? Millions of radio sets and television sets. What else? 45 RPM. That's where I can help you. If you sign me up for next year, I guarantee you you'll sell 46 RPM. Harris, do you know what RPM stands for? Naturally. They're rippums. And you people make the best rippums in the world. Harris, some people think that RPM stands for revolutions per minute. I don't care what them Bolsheviks think. Are you going to keep me or not? Well, we're going to have to leave it up to the stockholders. They're having a meeting this afternoon. And if they decide to keep the show, we'll keep it. Well, the stockholders, huh? In that case, we got nothing to worry about. So long, Scotty, and we'll be with you next year. Goodbye. So long, Scotty, and keep your feet off my desk. Oh, one other thing. During the summer, I want you to keep chasing your secretary around the office. What for? I want a warmed up one I take over next year. Come on, Frankie. Bill, what do you mean we have nothing to worry about? What makes you so sure the stockholders will vote to keep it? Now, wait a minute, honey. I got a plan. All I got to do is to get my friends to buy stock in RCA, then go to the meeting and vote for us. Well, if we have to depend on your friends, we're out of work. Are you kidding? My friends love me. All I got to do is ask them and they'll do anything for me. Well, then tell them to get me a Bendix washing machine and ironer. Looks like I'm going to take in washing. Well, don't forget, I don't want any starch in my shirt. Me either, Alice. You're not in on that. Now look, Frankie, I want you to call my friends and tell them to meet us over at my house as soon as possible. Bridge. Curly, I asked all your friends to come over here. I told them you needed help and they should bring money. And your friends didn't let you down. Well, I knew they wouldn't. Where are they? He's in the other room. Remly, you mean only one guy showed up? Well, yeah, but this is one person you can really depend on to help you. Well, who is it? What's his name? Just call me Julius the Fink. Oh, no. What's the matter with you, Remly? Asking Julius to help me when I'm in trouble. What kind of trouble, Mac? What stupid problem is too much for your brain to handle today? Now, wait a minute, this is serious, kid. I'm in danger of losing my job and, well, you can help me save it. Hey, that is serious. But don't worry, Mr. Harris, there's anything I can do to help you save your job. I want to be the first to tell you that you can count me out. But Julius, this time you've got to help me. I can't afford to be out of work. I need this job. It's my bread and bourbon, butter. Now look, kid, if I lose this job. Bread and bourbon, I never tried that. I know it ain't that with butter, but I don't know. Look, kid, if... Bread and bourbon sound silly, might be good. Look, kid, if I lose this job, it might result in serious consequences. Yeah, it might even break up your home. I hope. What do you mean? Well, if you lose your job, you won't be able to support your family. That means Ms. Fay will have to go back to work and pitch it. She'll have to make a look to an enhanced lead man. She'll probably fall in love with one of them and leave you to marry him. Yeah, that could happen. Tilt! Let's keep this believable. Yeah. Anyway, after she marries this other guy, you become a derelict. You lose everything. You just sink lower and lower until you finally end up in the gutter. Gee, what a pitiful sight. Makes me heart sick. Then you'll help me out? Ah, you look good in the gutter. Oh, Julius, you've got to help me save my job. It means everything to me. I can't go on without it, and I'm not... Stop bawling on me shoulder! You're getting me shite all mildewed. Don't plead with him, Curly. We don't need him. I got a share of stock, and I'll vote for it. I appreciate that, Frankie. You're very kind, but one share won't be enough. I need more shares. How many more do you need, Harris? Keep out of this, bud. Look, Frankie, I'm not going to have... GROGON! I didn't hear you come in. Gee whiz, but I'm glad to see you're here. You know something? You're the only friend who showed up when I called. Gee, you're a... you're a real pal. And I'm never going to forget your loyalty. Gee, Harris, hearing you say sweet things like that makes me ashamed of myself. Here's your silverware bag. What are you doing with my silverware? I was robbing the house. Of course, I didn't know that it was yours until I heard your voice. Come on, take your silverware. Oh, Grogan, why do you do things like this? You're really a wonderful person. Here's your watch. Grogan, you stole the watch that Frankie gave me, the one with the built-in cork screw. Oh, Grogan, you're too nice a guy. Here's your kid's piggy bank. I know that you're not the kind of a chap... Stop already, I won't make a nickel on this job. Gee whiz, only the other day I was talking to my wife about you, wasn't I, Alice? Alice, where did she...? Grogan. All right, all right, I'll go up to my car and let her out of the trunk right. Yeah, Grogan, you didn't really... Well, calm yourself, kid, I was only kidding. There's nothing in my trunk, right? Except an old policeman, that's all. What were you saying before about your callin' me? What was this for? Curly need your help, Grogan. He needs some stockholders to vote to keep him on the air next year. We want you to go out and buy some shares of RCA stock. Oh, well, is that all that you want, Harris? Be glad to help you out. How many shares you want me to get? A few, but look, be it the stockholders meeting this afternoon. Will you, Grogan? Yeah, okay, I'll be there. Yeah, don't worry, Curly. You can depend on my vote. Ladies and gentlemen, attention please. Quiet, please, hold it, just... Thank you, thank you. You stockholders have just voted on whether or not to retain Phil Harris for next year, and the vote has been tabulated. Well, tell me, Scotty, did I do all right? I... No. No, but it was close. 300 to 1 against you. Well, didn't I even get a call when they left the gate? He was, Remling. Looks like I'm dead. 300 to 1. Cheap, pal. Only one person voted for me. I wonder who was. Oh, you deserted me too, huh? Looks like everybody has. Alice isn't here, and Grogan didn't show up and everything. Here I am, Harris, and I got the stock. Grogan. Oh, thank goodness. How much... How much stock have you got? I got a truckload outside. A whole truckload of stock? Well, don't stand there, back it in here. I can't. The stock's got to stand out in the fresh air a little longer. I'm looking for my page and I'll have it with you and I'll be with you. I've got enough script for the big show. I'll take a hot stove right now. Oh, give me that line again, will you, Grogan? Like I was saying a moment ago, I can't bring the stock in now because it's got to stand out in the fresh air a little longer. Why? I'll say because the ink ain't drying. Grogan. I don't want any counterfeit stock. Now, why not? You can't tell us from the real thing here. Just look at this sample. Well, I ain't going to pass no... no... Look good. Yeah, sure it does. Mr. Scott, as a stockholder, I want to kiss my votes for Harris. How many shares do you have? Two and a half tons. You have... Let me see that stock certificate. Give it to me. Now, careful how you handle that. You'll smudge the signatures. Just as I suspected. This is counterfeit. Oh, that ain't fair. You pig. Harris, this stock will not be allowed in the boat. Well, I guess that makes it official. Mr. Harris, it's my pleasure to inform you that you are no longer a stoneman. Now, just a moment, Mr. Scott. I haven't voted yet. And I vote in favor of keeping Mr. Harris. Do you own stock in RCA, Mrs. Harris? Yes, I just went out and bought a few shares. How many shares? The controlling interest. She must have hijacked a bigger truck. Oh, honey, you're wonderful. I knew that someday I'd get some benefit out of your money. Well, I guess that settles it. Ms. Faye has the controlling interest, and next year it looks as if we'll be stuck with Harris for the RCA company. Correction. From now on, it'll be known as the RC Faye Company. That's telling them, honey. Well, Scottie, that old boy, it looks like I'll still be starring on the program. Another correction. From now on, the billing will read, the RC Faye Company presents the Alice Faye Show starring Alice Faye and friends. Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. It's free, yours for the asking. RCA Victor's magnificent new record catalogue of the Music America Loves Best. Over 800 titles of the music you want when you want it are listed in this one great record catalogue. It's a must for all you music lovers. Just stop in at your nearest RCA Victor dealers and pick up your free copy of the Music America Loves Best catalogue. RCA Victor now makes record buying easier and more fun than ever by listing the world's greatest recorded music between the covers of a single catalogue. Over 800 titles, music classical or popular from Tchaikovsky to Teagarden, and the Music America Loves Best catalogue makes fascinating readings. Look through it and mark down the selections you want. You'll find an incomparable treasure trove of musical enjoyment awaiting you at RCA Victor Record Dealers everywhere. Get your free copy of the RCA Victor Record catalogue of the Music America Loves Best at your RCA Victor dealers right away. This is Phil again. Folks, this is our last show for this season, but we'll be back this fall on your NBC station. Alice and I want to say thanks for listening, and our thanks also to RCA Victor, to our writers, our producer and our cast, and the many people behind the scenes who do so much to help. Watch force in the fall and have a nice summer. Good night, everybody. Stay tuned for Tales of the Texas Rangers next on NBC.