 Then talk about how to make them feel like an idiot and regret leaving you now really quickly I got this title from a contemporary his name is Elliot Scott and I want to read something I wrote for you all So give me a second to dive into this Here's the bottom line men often end Relationships because they can't fully commit to a partnership or they don't want to be responsible for your feelings But these very same men will lean on you after a breakup to fill the void and Many of you will comply because you hold hope Believing that they have feelings for you and while they might care for you a little bit Crumbs are not it is something you should not accept from someone Therefore no access to you will cause them to regret losing you Temporarily but to be honest at this point should you even care? Should you even care now? Let me just say something When an emotionally healthy man ends a relationship It's most likely because the two of you aren't really compatible with with one another and keep in mind Emotionally healthy men and relationships usually within the first 90 days in other words They see some incompatibility between the two of you and they end the relationship Okay, those are emotionally healthy men now Most of you will follow my work know that roughly about 80% of the male and female population in the dating demographic particularly the over 40 them over 40 demographic are human beings who have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that have Have had very little healing From these experiences So what happens is many of these people men and women like seek relationship to fill the void within themselves This is why you see this significantly with divorced men and women Because divorced men are oftentimes gun-shy to being in a significant relationship with someone Let me repeat that they're gun-shy and also I just want to say something endings can be painful Actually, let me pause on that word painful. I think endings can be very uncomfortable I think we might choose it as a pain because when we've given our power away to another human being What that means is we make them having them love us Predicated on our happiness. So when someone stops loving you all of a sudden we take that as an offense as If there's something wrong with us and that's what the pain we're experiencing the pain we're experiencing in endings is not the pain of loss It's the pain of having to it's the pain of giving our power away It's the pain of recognizing that you've given your power to another human being and because of that you're experiencing pain from this See when two emotionally grown-up people end a relationship Quite frankly, it's a very conscious Uncoupling between two emotional grown-ups now. We're talking about such a small percentage of the population Who are emotional grown-ups? See the fact is as most human-believing beings believe that they are emotionally grown-up and everybody else is Weak or deficient. It's kind of the delusion human beings live in this thing called specialness, I'm different from everyone else You know, it's interesting when my son passed away and I began speaking to a group of people who also lost children They're all in the same boat just a different story, but we're in the same boat When I was speaking to my men's group after my divorce Talking about divorce our experiences is a different story But it's basically the same experiences believe it or not most human beings are suffering on the inside in some way shape or form We're suffering from I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable This is where most human beings are suffering and so we put on this mass this delusion to protect that little wounded kid inside of us so when we Experience an ending in a relationship Many people act like martyrs. Well, I love this person so much You know if you genuinely loved a person so much and they don't want to be with you Aren't you wanting to wish them happiness in their future endeavors if you really love them? Wouldn't you want them to be happy whether they're with you or not, but no we have to be martyrs You know I'm the wrong party because we are swimming in a sea of victim consciousness here in the united states We're suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness So Here's the bottom line You can't make a guy regret leaving you or losing you you can't do it There's nothing you can do and even going cold contact going no contact Might temporarily cause an anxious Might cause an avoidant person to be anxious just a little bit I know a lot of dating coaches will tell you go live your good life Show them you're living good life post all these pictures on instagram of what a great life you're living without them And he'll get so jealous I want you to think about this for a moment If you have to do that to create Jealousy if you have to do that to create regret See how you avoid getting into these positions first and foremost Is doing a better job of vetting people? It's what I continually talk about in my private coaching with clients is learn how to ask better questions I was just chatting with a woman earlier today you know It's an interview process. You should be interrogating people In the dating process. You should be interrogating them I know every dating coach will tell you the opposite But think about this for a second If their advice is so good that you should just go have a good time It's about having a good time focus on having a good time Then why is the dating marketplace a fucked up proposition? See, I think we should do the opposite of what every other dating coach tells you I want you to go in and actually ask better questions before you ever meet a person in person Let me give you a simple example Now I'm going to use a woman who's 29 years old dating a man who's 35 years old and she clearly wants to start a family And he says I'll never have children in my life But she thinks but you know or he says I don't think I'll ever have children in my life So she holds hope wasting time with that guy See you would want to know before you ever went out on a date with someone before you ever kiss someone Whether or not you're on the same page Why go out on a physical meeting with someone if you're not on the same page? See the dating apps Are just this surface experience. It's just a surface experience the dating apps you know and so You know you got to go deeper than the surface if you really want to connect with someone So I want to address the bigger picture about going the distance Men are gun shy of commitment And women are gun shy about speaking Their truth women are gun shy Opening up because if a man gives you a little bit of attention if you ask What are your intentions? Let's take the word Where is this relationship going because that gives think about the term Where is this relationship going? It gives him all the power Why not ask him? What are your intentions with this relationship? Can someone write that down in the chat box? What are your intentions with this relationship? And listen very carefully if he's very he goes listen. I just want to take it slow I just want it to be casual. I want no pressure. I want no labels See I've come to the conclusion That you should be only approaching one type of man And that one type of man is the following He's the man who loves the idea of getting married or being in partnership with someone Let me repeat that If you seriously want to be in partnership or marriage at some point Then you should only be dating those who love the idea of partnership Not the guys who say I want a relationship See you Okay You're think you hear the word relationship your ears are like. Oh my god. He wants a relationship Well, his idea of relationship is I see you once a week or at my beck and call whenever I'm feeling lonely Whenever I want to ejaculate inside your vagina. That's when he wants to see you Okay, and you're thinking kind of like the way I thought We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal our professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that leads either moving in together getting married Okay, that's one version of relationship But you hear the word relationship and you think it's the same version as yours when you don't know what his intentions are But i'm here to go deeper I'm here to invite you to go deeper A man who loves the idea of partnership Is intentional he will decide within 90 days if you are partnership material Men who the ground underneath them isn't solid the men who are dysfunctional the men who have gone through a divorce the men that are going through Health issues the men who have issues going on at work the ground underneath them aren't isn't solid They want a casual relationship. They want a situation ship. They want a part-time relationship And many of you are willing to give them that In fact, many of you are really many of you are just in friends with benefits relationship But you just don't even know about it. You're not really good friends see it takes about Takes about a hundred hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust And I want you to think about what is trust trust is Isn't just about fidelity Trust is can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as mine? See we jump into bed with people so quickly Before ever there's been some real trust established Some real knowing about this other person to do a deep dive to be vulnerable to be authentic to be transparent to use radical honesty Laying your cards on the table is unpacking your past and then establishing your standards before that penis ever goes inside the vagina But many of you think see many of you've been so conditioned that Sex is the path of men have men believe sex is the pathway to relationship But why can they sleep with woman after woman after woman? Do you have to find that guy who genuinely? Has intentions what are your intentions by the way listen? I'm your big brother if I could be there on a first date I'd have the shotgun out pointed at the guy's head and say what are your intentions with my little sister and the shotgun represents a consequence for you being out of integrity I want you to think about this being out of integrity. What does that mean? Being out of integrity is not being honest with yourself and a lot of guys They're not honest with themselves. I know that for a fact, you know what after my divorce I remember right after my divorce I would tell women I want a relationship I want a relationship I want a relationship and I'd go out and date and I'd sleep with women and they We'd have sex and then you know we date for a few weeks or a month or two or three and I'm like I'm not ready for a relationship And I did it again and again and again in my mind. I thought I wanted a relationship But I wasn't honest with myself. I was a train wreck after my divorce Raise your hand if you've been with a man who's been a train wreck after his divorce By the way, if you want to jump on the hot seat I'm posting a link if you want to chime in here if you want to be on the hot Seat if you want some tough love from jonathan. I just posted a link in the chat box This allows you to join me live right now I'd love to get some people on and we can chat about This ridiculous idea that you can actually make a guy regret leaving you And make him feel like an idiot Because it's impossible to make that happen But I want you to click on the video. Hopefully you've gotten some value up to this point Let me repeat this Dating is an interview process whether you like it or not Now the other thing I want to interject here before I someone jumps on the hot seat And by the way, there's a link right there to jump on the hot seat Most women tend to be anxious love attachment styles Okay, most men tend to be avoidant now. That's not true across the board But that tends to be the case by the way grace. I'll get to you in a moment now with that said When a when an anxious person dates an avoidant, what that does is that triggers more neediness that anxious person Isn't overly needy It's the fact that that avoidant person isn't giving anything that causes neediness And then it causes that person to feel smothered and then that causes that person to end the relationship because they don't feel like They can satisfy your emotional needs But you're not being needy Seeking true connection with a partner. That's not neediness A healthy relationship requires Healthy connection with one another But the challenge is when you're with an emotional avoidant with your when you're with a fearful avoidant when you're with a dismissive avoidant You're wanting to connect and they're unable to connect and I will tell you it's usually a direct result Of severe not severe but strong childhood wounds and traumas That makes it very difficult for them to actually connect but they don't because they don't trust love So i'm here to say for those of you that have ever felt like a relationship ended because you were being needy You weren't being needy You wanted the you wanted closeness and they were incapable of giving it to you And there's no need to make them regret that or feel like an idiot for that because he's dealing with his own stuff And by the way, this is true for women can be avoidant just like men This isn't singular to one gender It just happens to be more often than not men are avoidant than women. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know if it is please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel And if you're watching the replay post a comment below. All right, we've got grace in the house If I can get my cursor to work hi Hi Hi, jonathan. How are you? Good. Are you ready for some tough love? Oh, of course. I need it. I look like I need it Oh You were just explaining what you were just saying is exactly what I happened to go through with a fellow that I was kind of attached to um He's you know, I have anxious attachment and he's an avoidant and um You've helped him you'd understand more why he's like he is and I tried to I don't know I guess it's the anxious part of me that kept trying to make something work that I Knew really wasn't right for me and to make a long story short We went on a date the other night. You know women ever make a long story short. Yes Yes, I'll tell you exactly we went on a date the other night after about seven months of not really seeing each other at all Or basically very little contact and I paid for a comedy show and he paid for dinner and drinks And he was all over me like he had been my boyfriend all along I mean, I felt like I was a 16 year old kid. He was grabbing my boobs. He was trying to get in my pants And I was like, what are you doing? I haven't seen him in seven months. Is this a first date or you've been dating him Well, we've dated before but I hadn't seen him in seven months We dated off and on he's been a dismissive avoidant for the whole almost three years that i've known him And he had and missed fortune. What do you think was motive? Wait, wait, so grace What was motivating him to what do you think now? I want you to really dig deep What do you think was motivating him to grab your boobs and be really affectionate for someone you haven't seen in seven months Is it because he wants to be in relationship with you or is it possibly something else? It's possibly it is something else. He doesn't want to have a relationship with me I was very sexy looking I must admit and I had a low cut top one But that didn't mean that you know, I invited him in my top, but he went anyway He just thought we did his penis get to go inside your vagina later that evening No, but he put he took it out of his pants Okay Are you going to see him again? I must admit I did give it a quick kiss Okay, oh my god He wanted to hook up according to cc. He wanted to hook up, but I wouldn't let him just morning He just wanted to hook up. I wouldn't look at him So I feel like I have my power Why are you telling me this story? Because I feel like I still have my power here because I didn't do that the other night I didn't I gave him a couple kisses We get a few feels and I said good night and I went home and the old grace Seven months ago. It was going back to his house God got it got it. Well bravo to you Yes, and I feel like I have my power back and and it's only because I I listened to a lot of things you say I listen to several other people and I was like Why would I give him my power after it took me seven months to kind of get it back? So like you say men men are the gatekeepers of the relationships and women are the gatekeepers of the sex And my my my box was locked. That's my quote. That's not my quote. I heard that from someone else Well, it's just a quote, but my box was locked and he couldn't get in it. So Yeah, your chassis belt was there way to go All right, grace. Can I send you off of the big gigantic chaff and bear hug? Yes. Thank you hugs hugs. Okay. Okay. Thanks for being home We've got another victim in the house You've got melanie And I had a low cut top one, but that didn't mean that you know, I invited him in my Melanie, can you turn off your volume? You No, but he put Melanie turn off your volume from the video Okay, if you don't do you want to melanie wait nod your head All right melanie if you don't hear it, okay, we're gonna have to remove you All right, folks if you want to join live, we're gonna do this one more time with melanie All right, if you want to join live click the link here Um, okay. Let's see what question. Oh, by the way to wrap up our thoughts here Um, just finishing that thought about uh anxious attachment style and avoidance Here's the thing about emotionally avoidant people men and women alike. I said this earlier They might have experienced significant emotional trauma in their childhood that caused them to withdraw inward. Okay The challenge is we anxious people I'm an anxious attacher and we tend to gravitate to people who are either emotionally Constipated emotionally unavailable emotionally stunted or incapable. Okay That's the the majority of us The problem is we have every right to ask for our needs to be met from our partner if they're incapable of it You are not suffocating them. That's all I wanted to say to repeat back to what I said to grace. Okay, melanie I'm gonna give you one more chance Hi Okay, you're on live Oh shoot, I can't hear you hold on a second I'm gonna have to plug in my headphones one second I Got people waiting on you hurry it up All right, what do we have here boyfriend ended it. He wanted to be friends. I told him I needed Two months no contact to decide on it way way to go jw. Okay melanie. Okay. What do you got for me? well, um I I'm just feeling really overwhelmed with I feel like it's I've been dealing with this for so long for like over 30 years of just dating and you know, I was married for 16 years got a divorce I've been divorced about 12 years and it just like Being out in the dating pool and trying to like actually look for a relationship when I feel like so many people are Like you said dysfunctional where when you look at how few people are actually Functional healthy and emotionally stable You know, then it's kind of like I keep meeting a bunch of people But nobody that I really feel like is worth investing time in because they're either not the right tell me Tell me melanie. How much personal development self-help and spiritual work have you done on yourself over the last five years? If you haven't averaged an hour a day What is the number? I've actually I that's what I do for a living. Like I've I've worked on myself I've been working on myself so much that I meet other people like especially men That aren't doing the work on themselves. Like they're not ready for a relationship By the way, the reason why I said that is we have to become what we want to attract number one Okay, so you are correct We are dealing with an incredibly dysfunctional pool of human beings out there And what I mean by dysfunctional particularly in the area of emotional maturity and relationship skills In addition for those of us in midlife. That's the after the 45 year old crowd The reality is is most humans do a terrible job physically taking care of themselves Okay, we have a high diet of processed foods. We have a very sedentary um Culture here in the united states. There isn't a lot of movement and as people age They're faced, you know things start to deteriorate. That's just the reality of things So we're dealing with a pool of emotionally dysfunctional people And we're dealing with a pool of people who haven't really done a great job taking care of themselves. Okay, that's the facts How do we sit first? We have to set ourselves apart from those which you said you are doing number one Number two you have to recognize that to some degree dating is a numbers game If you're using online dating as a method and the fact the matter is After you've been online dating after you've swiped for a while Swipe dating Bastard eyes the whole process So first I would probably eliminate swipe dating from your repertoire Because it's just it's like the hamster wheel Hitting the pellet number one. I would use a dating site I'd put together a quality profile from you for you from that perspective merely as a message in the bottle It just tells the universe that you are open for business as far as being met. Okay The other thing is making yourself available to be seen by single eligible men out in the real world Going to events where there are a congregation of people Recognizing that you know, there's a lot of couples that go out to these same places But I'd go to personal development workshops. I'd start doing Maybe going on a cruise. Maybe I'd go to a a singles event start putting yourself in environments Where you're surrounded by more single eligible people Preferably in the areas of things that you like to do Because the reality is is online dating is a clusterfuck. That is just the reality of it Are there people that meet and fall in love? Yes 50 of all new relationships happen through an online connection. The reality is of the of the 120 million singles in america right now Actually a very small percentage of them are actually ever going to experience a healthy happy relationship with someone We're experiencing a lot of dysfunctionality. So what do you do? You set your standards at such a level that you don't accept mediocrity from the beginning But i'm getting a sense. You're not even getting asked out on dates. Is that right? Oh, no, I get asked out all the time but okay, so then you're well, that's a good by the way If you get asked out all the time then your job is to is to weed out Right or or actually filter in the right person by weeding out the wrong people I feel like there's a lot of guys that are I mean, obviously, there's a lot of people that are just out there looking around, you know I I I've I've tried a lot of different apps over the years I've tried, you know e-harmony and all of these were compatibility And you know, I just feel like I keep running into the same pattern where they just come in really heavy on in the beginning Love bomb and then after like six months They just flip the switch and they're done and it's just the same thing over and over and over and i'm like What am I doing wrong? You know, have you dated hundreds of men? No, not hundreds. I mean How many men are we talking about the over and over and over and over again? Well, I keep investing in the relationship where it's committed and like we're making a commitment to move forward Like the last one. I mean literally we were talking about getting married and I mean there was what ended the relationship. What ended the relationship? So, I mean, I know this is gonna sound weird, but he used to be a minister or he was divorced and I One of the biggest factors. I mean, it's funny. I have this excel spreadsheet and my friends all laugh at me Because I want to remember like these are the qualities i'm looking for so as i'm Talking to people and like sorting through the the qualities of what I want And and my faith isn't really important to me and the person that i'm with that's important And it's been missing and I felt like i've compromised it in the past Wait, so tell me why it didn't work out with the minister? Because he used to be a minister and then he said he was too edgy for it And so he dated for six months We were moving forward talked about marriage and then he literally said That god told him that he's pulling him into the wilderness to be alone and that i'm about to meet someone else And he's trying to be obedient to that I've never heard that in my life. That's never been a reason. I broke that's a really good excuse blame god for your Your choices Okay, so first and foremost I can't just be this open portal if like if i'm supposed to meet somebody else. Like it's just a weird thing You're you're you're a uh, you're a religious person. Is that right? Yes So what does jesus tell you to do? Yeah, I mean in in what in like meeting what we're talking about Well, jesus never dated or got married. So I don't know What would jesus tell you to do if he was sitting with you right now? What would he be saying to you right now? um Probably move on if this person is okay. That's one thing but what why would he be putting this in your path? Why is this happening if jesus directs everything in your life? Why is this happening for you? Well, that's why I didn't I was confused. That's why would he put this person in No, no, no, no, no Oh There was so much validation for me that this is the person I was supposed to invest So why did jesus choose that person for you? I don't know Come on Why did he if everything okay? Don't you think jesus gives us lessons? What's the lesson you were meant to learn from this experience? I honestly don't know because I felt like I I felt like this from This is the first time I've really had deeper feelings in a long time for somebody That I really invested and was vulnerable and showed up 100 and it was like so time out You were invested you were vulnerable. You made effort Jesus wanted you to do that to prepare you for the relationship where you're not hesitant to do that What's gonna end up happening is your Happens to so many women as they regress they focus on what's wrong They focus on what they didn't like they focused on the person they focused on the problem What jesus wants you to do is he wants you to embrace that it's raining great men He wants you to embrace that he doesn't want you to talk negative about men ever again He doesn't want to hear that from your repertoire every minute you say it He's gonna add 10 more days to how much longer it's gonna take for you to find someone number one He wants you to get crystal clear on the value the lessons the benefits And be grateful for every experience. That's what jesus wants you to do He wants you to be grateful for every experience because in every experience He's preparing you for the kind of relationship that you're ready for now for some people It might take them 40 50 60 years of being going through this process for some people It might be only 20 or 30 years. He's preparing you So you have to trust that there is a plan for you Okay, every time you buck That by complaining about it, and I don't mean that you were complaining But that's effectively when you're criticizing the process Jesus says, you know what? I'm gonna tack on another year to her having to wait So I want you to change your story change your narrative It's raining great men. I learned so many lessons from this. I changed as a person I'm so grateful for this experience. There were all these good parts I want to focus on all that so I can be prepared for the right relationship to enter my life Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know Yes, because I feel like I've been beating myself up saying my gosh I've had like 30 years of failed relationships. Like what's wrong with me and like why is this happening and So stop it, you know just stop even talking about it. Stop talking about it right now Don't give it. By the way, jesus just added one more year. You're gonna have to wait because you're just talking about So I want you the minute you stop talking about it. Jesus is gonna go. I'm gonna bring that guy into your life Can I get an amen? Thank you, thank you melanie I hope you found value in this can I give you a big gigantic shot than bear hug Yes, thank you and I and I lost my son too. So I'm giving you a big Oh, then I want to give you a double big gigantic hug I went through a divorce and losing my son at the same time. So it was really hard So I understand how you felt and I just have to say I've been following you for a while and I'm very happy for you It's been inspiring to watch you in your own journey too. So congratulations. Well, thank you I appreciate that very much. We're sending you off with a lot of love and again Giving you a big hug. Uh, there are no words for what you've gone through. So big thanks to you. Thank you Thank you. You're very welcome. Thanks. By the way, that reminds me Folks if you want to donate to the connor as okay By the way, if you have a question to ask me post the word question Then write the question there after or you can purchase the super sticker super chat All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor asley We just talked about that's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt And his honor we donate to causes like the hoffman process Insight institute and seeds of love. So you want to ask a question post a question purchase a super sticker or super Thanks, or you can jump on the hot seat right now Um cc just posted Should we ask up front if they have bad table manners? I had to go on dates to see that I don't think you're ever going to get someone to tell you the truth. Elizabeth says jonathan is inspiring By the way, for those of you that are religious and you just subscribe to the idea that jesus is a person That is directing your life. I invite you always to look and ask why did why did jesus introduce me to this person? What are the positive things I learned from these experiences? What was good about this experience? What am I most grateful for? From my perspective, and i'm not i'm a believer of god universe spirit. I call them gusts Um, not jesus, but my belief system is that we are experienced. We have all these experiences That are preparing our soul and our spirit for our next journey after this And some of these experiences are good and some of these experiences aren't so good But I invite you always look inward and ask What is the gift that was given to me now? I mind you I understand a negative experience Abuse don't feel like gifts, but I will tell you the gift is usually empowerment Being empowered just like our first person grace When you step into your power that is the gift of those relationships that aren't All those pleasant at least from my opinion anyway, okay, we're gonna Sammy i'm gonna take your question a second, but I want to just answer elizabeth here How common is tinder swindler guys in real life? I would say roughly about Well, there's two versions of swin tinder swindlers. There are the there are Actual people that are going to try to take money from you. There are the catfishers out there that are going to waste your time I would say that Possibly up to 20 Could be up there probably 10 to 15 percent Now maybe that's too high. I'm going to say 10 percent. It's possible. Okay. That's probably a fair number Now how many dysfunctional people are on the dating sites? Roughly about 95 percent yourself included myself included. We're all just fucked up. It's a matter of degrees And like jill just shared with everybody our past relationships can be our best teachers if we're open to seeing it Exactly sammy i'm going to take your question a second, but I want to answer this next one Or now i'll come back to that one. Let's take sammy's question now Oh turn up the volume I can hear you in the background Turn off the volume. Okay. Oh no, you're fine now. Just turn off the the volume for the for the um for the video No, pause the video not not the video you're on with me the video you're watching Oh Sorry, I know you're fine now. You're fine now. You're fine now. Okay, cool. Hello. Hello Um, yes, so I'm in a real situation situation ship thing at the moment Jonathan um So I have tried the radical honesty route with him and I've just told I've just put my feelings on the line I've just told him i'm not really looking for casual I'm not looking for something that's In and out on your terms. I'm just looking for something that's loving and consistent So he has expressed to me that he really does like me and Can see something going on but with his profession being a rapper He's out on the road And meeting girls on the regular Yeah so my question to you is He says he wants to be friends with me, but I have a lot more feelings towards him than he does to me, obviously What do you think we should do? Okay, so sammy sammy first up. I'm gonna I need you to mute yourself right now. I'm gonna mute you Okay, I'm gonna talk because I had to mute you. All right, so um I want you to think for a moment Forget this person is in your life What do you want? I want you to describe to me Exactly the type of relationship you're looking for Describe what you're looking for now when I say describe what you're looking for I want you to think along like along like this I'd like a relationship where we spend three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time With family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal our professional life intimacy both physical and Intimacy that leads to either moving in together getting married. That's a type of relationship. Okay now. What do you want? I want somebody to hold my hands and love me through life I would love to have complete and utter trust in somebody no matter what their occupation is Okay, I'm gonna put you on pause. Let me tell everybody what I heard What? Does anyone remember charlie brown? See you didn't say anything you heard me say something really Ultra-specific let's spend three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time With family and friends traveling together teamwork feelings. See that's what it looks like What you just said to me was So now I want you to try again What do you want in a relate? What is a relationship look like for you? Okay, a relationship looks like healthy daily communication um spending time with each other doing mutual hobbies and interests we Uh really do like the music scene So I want to have someone to come with me to all these things that I'm interested in And I would love to just um build something open and honest for someone Okay, so now coming back to your rapper Now musicians are notoriously Not the best to be in relationship with because they travel all the time notoriously speaking not to say that's an absolute But they have those kind of schedules You just told me you wanted a day in day out relationship and he's not capable of day in day out relationship. So What's going on your head? But I love him jonathan and I'm gonna figure out a way to change him You can't change his schedule It doesn't fit what you want Okay, just because he has feelings for you just because he likes you can the two of you actually forge a day in day out relationship together So then what's going to end up happening most likely is you're going to accept the crumbs because you're attached to him Instead of sitting in your logical say, you know what? I like this guy. I think he's great But you know what he doesn't have the capacity to be in a day in day out relationship as I want. So what he wants is He's a spender. He wants Occasional companionship occasional connection occasional sex at his beck and call And you're willing to give it to him and you wonder why women are complaining about relationships So that's my two cents. Do you have anything to add? No, thank you so much. It's exactly the tough love I needed Thank you. Welcome Give me a big gigantic Johnson bear hug Thank you, Jonathan. Thank you, sammy. Good luck with them. Keep us posted Okay All right, let's see anyone else want to jump on the hot seat. It's been fun. Let's keep it going All right, let's see. I saw a question here earlier Um Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom. Oh, here we wait. Is this the same one? Oh, okay. So mon sherry creative creation says How do I navigate dating a religious man who wants to wait till marriage for sex? Even though both are in our 50s. I'm spiritual but not religious well um get married Have sex and then when it turns out to be awful get it an old as fast as possible I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek You know, that's a very interest. So if the roles were reversed and you were the one who wanted to wait for sex Until marriage and he wanted sex now. How would you? Address it with him. See I want you to always put yourself in the other put yourself in the other person's shoes If this were the other way around every woman on this page is make them wait make them wait make them wait So he wants to wait for that. He's that's a very valid thing I think it could be it could even be a healthy thing for people to wait Now is it a guarantee of success? I know a lot of people who get married because of they want sex only for it to turn out to be a disaster But I would have an open conversation with them about how you feel and you have to really look inward Is this something I can accept? This is his request. Is it something I can accept and again If their worlds were reversed, how would you address it with him? I invite you to explore that for yourself. Is that sinking in? I hope it is By the way, I would love a soup if I provided value to this point Please purchase a super sticker super chat. I'd love to give some money away to the conor asley scholarship fund All right jc just wrote in And if you have a question to join the hot seat, here's the link The last four men I dated said their x y's were bipolar and abusive. How can that be possible? You know, these are buzzwords people use these days It's quite possible that for one or two of them it might be well, here's the thing We men believe women to be rather irrational Because women tend to be more emotional and men tend to be more logical So when a woman isn't logical and they're operating from emotion, especially heightened emotions, let me just tell you something A significant percentage of women are addicted to drama By the way, significant percentage. I'm talking about a lot of you women are addicted to drama So it's quite possible That that could be a true statement because they're addicted to drama now to to Diagnose them as border or bipolar. That is in you know, unless you have a true professional Diagnosing them. It's the same way all of you women habitually say how a self-centered man is a narcissist. You guys are habitually Diagnosing men and you all have because you watched all these videos these thousands and thousands of videos and listen I could check the box of everything a narcissist. Well, except for uh, I do apologize and I have empathy But I probably checked seven out in the nine boxes of what a narcissist is Okay, we all have narcissistic traits just like women habitually can be irrational or oftentimes are addicted to drama Let me be clear men are also addicted to drama. It's just a different type of drama So how can that be possible? It's just because people are diagnosing one another without any real qualifications That's why because he probably dealt with an irrational or dealt with irrational women or women who are addicted to drama All right, one of our facebook group members is in the house. By the way, if you want to join my private facebook group There's a link that's going to be in the description below join my group called midlife love mastery and let's read this question Why does a boyfriend ask after sex for the first time? How was I back story by the way the sex is awful is always awful last time I had sex was five years ago in 2018 I've dated five men since 20 20 2012 and those men had erectile dysfunction. My sex has been frustrating and miserable I'm afraid to have sex again when I get a boyfriend. Am I I'm looking for a lifetime love partner Okay, folks I ask women. How was I in bed? It's a natural we we want to know Okay, I want you to also know I take a blue pill. Okay A significant percentage of men over 45 had ed just like you women have you guys aren't as lubricated as you were in your 20s Okay, that's just the natural effect of life. Okay. Why does he ask? How was I because we want to know that we pleased you either we didn't get any clues that we pleased you Okay from you. We didn't get any real solid clues and even when you do give us clues We still think we could do more so I am guilty of doing exactly what your boyfriend does So would you judge me for it not to suggest you judged him? But I'm asking you ladies would you judge me because I have your you know I listen I don't get the same hard on as I used in my 20s and would you judge me if I asked how my performance was Okay, now it's sad that you're having not good sex Okay, maybe there's some things you can do to spice up your sex life together with him, especially since he is your boyfriend But that's the why okay, so I hope that helps Answer your question. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it. Hey, I want to give Margaret some props for the $7.99 super sticker Thanks so much Mon sherry wanted to let us know. Thank you for your input. You're very welcome Margaret wants to remind us I had to release my addiction to drama. Oh my god. You ladies are so addicted to drama How do I know this because when I'm coaching you you are habitually on these stories these victim consciousness stories That's addicted to drama We are suffering here in the united states from from Look at the number one emotional health issue is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likable and dating triggers this like nobody's business This is why I wrote a book called what the heck a self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-open spiritual work There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Why am I talking about this? Because we have a population of really hurting human beings men and women alike folks Relationships aren't easy There's nothing easy about them. It takes and and we have unconscious people entering into relationship because We want companionship. We want connection. We want sex, but it doesn't mean we're capable of it I said something earlier in the broadcast that i'm really Diving into i'm actually interviewing rabbi Manus Friedman, and I want to talk to him about this which is gonna the interview will come out in the next few weeks He said something on one of his videos He said a man And a woman have to love the idea of marriage Now what is that? Oh, I want you to think about that You have to love the idea of marriage not that you want to get married, but you love the idea of marriage You love the institution of marriage now Let's take the legal paperwork out of the equation in other words the relationship you have with the government and say I love partnership You have to want you have to want partnership with someone because when you want partnership with someone You are very selective on whom you're going to let into your life And most men will know within 90 days They'll know within 90 days the man who genuinely want partnership with someone He'll know whether or not she's partnership material within 90 days And yes sex is part of the decision-making process Sometimes sex can be the reason why we don't ever want to see you again. The sex sucked Okay, you guys are just because you can sit there and perform sex doesn't mean that it was good sex Okay, and by the way the same goes for men. We got a lot of guys with ed. I get it and even guys with ed If they really want marriage and they want a healthy sex life They're gonna figure a way around it or figure out how to please their partner and believe me Guys who know how to use their tongues You know most women get off on oral more so than uh intercourse. Anyway, so with that said um God, I just went on a ramp coming back to the idea Choose men who want to get married or want partnership Not oh, you know, let's take it slow. I just need to think about it. You know, I don't want to put labels on it I'm not ready for a relationship. I just want to see where it goes. Can we just see where it goes? I just need to see where it goes When a guy genuinely likes a woman he wants to commit to her He wants to be monogamous. He wants to be exclusive and let me tell you emotionally healthy men who want marriage Make a decision usually within 90 days to either go all in or they start to exit Sometimes they exit trying to find somebody else that does happen Um, but somewhere around the 90 day No more than five months will the guy waste your time if you're not the right woman for them Okay All right. Hey, I want some another one someone in from the hot to join the hot seat Anya Or I pronounced it wrong question How much flexibility do you allow men in a relationship within the six month mark? Mine is great 75 of the time But I need to remind him to plan dates and scheduling. He's divorced doctor with two kids Well, why don't you just be the social director and you just plan the dates But you know just plan the dates you take over the job Why not do that? If he's saying yes, you're still getting the same result. It's just he's not initiating Possibly because he's a doctor and he has two kids and doing these things But oh but Jonathan all the female dating coaches tell me to I'm in my masculine energy if I do that And men don't appreciate my masculine energy and I need to sit back with my feminine energy and let him claim me See this is by the way Do me a favor for the next 30 days plan his social calendar for him He might actually appreciate that and if it doesn't work Then you have your real answer that he's probably just you're just his part-time girlfriend And not a full-time relationship. Okay Uh Becca says if your boyfriend Wants to wait till the kids are out of the out of high school to move in together and get married can this work? It would be another three years Yeah, I know a lot of people that are um do that. Um, now is that a guarantee? No, it's not a guarantee. Um, but it does make sense, you know blending You know, uh children into new children, you know a new partner into children's life and just keep in mind though this Your kids aren't out of the house at high school. They're out of the house when they're on their own at age 27 So let me tell you something. You don't have three years. You have more than that um So you have to look at how he's showing up currently in the relationship. It is a gamble You know, um, and you might say that maybe you take a break until her kids are out of the house See how he I'm that'd be a curious. I'd be curious to know how he'd respond to that. He probably move on um But this is a tricky one. This is very tricky because I can understand why Excuse the word tricky. It's complicated because I can understand his point of view and I can understand your point of view So maybe have a conversation Um, maybe you need to get married Maybe that might change the dynamic, but then again, does he want marriage? Did you find that out? Um, so these are some of the questions I'd ask before you invest too much. How long were you been together again? um You didn't say how oh I didn't say how long you've been together. So I'd be curious to know how long you've been dating All right, if you want to join the hot seat come on before we wrap up tonight I'd love to get someone on the hot seat ashi Are women more addicted to drama and they and and they are more emotional or do they tend to have anxious attachment style? While some men tend to have avoidant and thus stunts their emotions Great question The answer is oftentimes. Yes. Okay. They're with an avoidant man They're seeking connection. They're making requests for connection and then it becomes too excessive. So Making a request for a connection is one thing. Oh my god. We have tripping the house make a connection for Connection is one thing um it be uh over over uh requesting can be rather um Overwhelming for a man So um, so that but that's you make a very valid point It can feel overwhelming and it might feel like it's again if you're acting irrational Then the answer is you know, you're addicted to the drama if you're making simple requests That's different. Okay making simple request isn't the same as of pushing someone You know, which pushes them over the edge. Okay. All right. We got tripping the house Are you actually joining us drip? Yeah, I'm truck. Can you hear me? Yeah, but I don't see you. I know. I don't know why the camera is not picking up. Okay Um, I'm not Oops. Yeah, you bumped off By the way for the folks that are watching right now, let me see if we can get tripped back in the house All right, my friends Yeah, I don't know what's going on with the camera. This is weird. Okay But well, what do you got for me, buddy? No, this is just interesting I I've I've haven't really seen one your lives in a while. So it's cool to uh to be here and hear some of some of the issues that That the women are having because I'm all day hearing all the issues that the men have so I'm a dating coach for men for those of you who Don't know me and so I help men And jonathan helps women. So I gotta join more your life. By the way really quickly for our audience I want to let everyone know trip is my co-host on a podcast. We have called relationships are underrated Trip is a dear friend of mine. He's a he's a coach for men Particularly a confidence coach helping them overcome Building you know overcoming their fear of rejection is one of the primary things But also establishing themselves to have a quality life so they can be a better attractor for more quality women Well said my friend you're very welcome Um, yeah, no, it's cool. It's cool to be here and and I was just reading some of the questions that the ladies have And so I think it's really interesting to hear or I should say read some of the Yeah, just the issues that that women are having in the relationships And it looks like there's some people here who are single and some who are in situationships and some in relationships so Yeah, just cool to be her deal. Let's tackle one of these questions together Okay, I'll see what we can do. I mean you're the expert here with women, but All right. I don't know. I like can you read that question right there? If someone has a pattern of ghosting disappearing and reappearing. Oh, I actually answered this in the chat How many chances that person be given before cutting the cord with him? Um, zero There should be zero chances. That's my answer That person is not is not very interested in you if they keep on ghosting and then reappearing That's just like a half fast interest which you shouldn't have to settle for Well said well said I would have said exactly the same. How about elizabeth's question here that said Can you read that one? How bad is it that I stayed in a marriage for nearly 14 years with no intimacy and lousy sex? I did have three kids out of it and felt stuck um I mean I don't understand does she want us to just give her our judgment of how bad is that or Jonathan, how would you answer this? well, I think that I think this is really a reflection of You know to one degree she made a commitment and she stuck it out for the sake of the children Okay, this is a very common thing that happens in relationships When people get married and then they find that they're not really as compatible And yet they have kids and they stick it out for that reason Is that a bad thing? You know we have to I look at every experience. Um, I always look at What positive things did I learn about myself in this experience? What was good and what am I most grateful for? The challenge we have and I want you to talk about this for a moment is whenever we feel regret remember the other night You were talking about regret to your um to your guest um You know when we have regret for our decisions, you know We it creates a judgment as if we've done something wrong And I'm here to say that every experience has a blessing if you choose to see what the blessing is Okay, actually now that i'm been thinking about it. I do have an answer for this. Okay um, I think it was actually amazing That you stayed in the marriage for 14 years and no intimacy um assuming assuming You were in you and your ex or current husband or another situation now wasn't You guys weren't um, how do I say not like a role model, but uh You know kids don't really do well when they when they don't see their parents in love Yeah, that's them in bad. We don't have the details here But the fact that you stuck with it Was probably the best because I believe that once you are In a marriage and you decide to have kids yeah That's what's happening now. That's the most important thing is raising those kids And getting them to the place where they need to be to be the most successful and You know, I'm glad you brought this up You know Colin Colin my son Colin and by the way everybody. There's a picture of him right there You know, we were talking about you know What kind of poor role models my ex-wife and I were because he has a kind of a dysfunctional view of what Because we weren't really in a great marriage for a good part of his He got we got divorced when he was eight So and his brother was five You know and he has a dysfunctional view of relationships and so but i'm glad that we we divorced after 12 years I'm so glad we didn't stay together for fit 25 years like a lot of couples do because we weren't really good role models and so Thankfully Colin has you and I and we have he has a lot of support system To help him overcome some of the things that happened as role models Wouldn't it be great if we all had the courage to end a relationship in a conscious loving Compassionate way and find a way to co-parent. That would be great Unfortunately children are a byproduct of this and you know, I know you've given kudos for staying in as long as she did But at the same time we have to look at our actions have ramifications for our children unbeknownst to us and And so the more we can role model good relationships for people the better chance we have for people having better relationships I also wonder if elizabeth can answer was she being proactive? In trying to fix the intimacy issue You know how proactive was she? That's a good question. Elizabeth. Can you answer for us? How proactive were you? um at oh wait a minute Uh, well, she did say that uh later. She said lack of intimacy in 14 years left my soul empty very painful Do you agree? Okay? I'm going to jump in on this one That's one way of looking at it now. Please forgive me elizabeth. You may not like what I'm going to say But that's the victim way of looking at it. Okay. That's the that's the victim way. How does the victor look at it? Okay, what positive things did I learn about myself in these this experience? Even after the ending of the relationship what was good in my most grateful for when human beings focus on gratitude The gifts and the lessons learned they actually prepare themselves for a new relationship because what could be holding you down Is like just even though soul empty. Okay, I recognize that period of time was the dark night of your soul But let's that's the past is prologue. You don't have to be focused on the past I invoke is invite you to focus on the future Any thoughts on that trip? I agree 100% okay Uh, I wish I could see the chat. I can't see you can't see the chats now what i'm in stream yard now Oh, that's weird. You should be able to see the chats. Oh wait. I got it now. Yep Oh, she did say I tried to get us to go to counseling Okay Okay, grip Why do men reject counseling? Why do they reject counseling? A significant percentage of men in my age demographic reject counseling. Why do you think that is? Is that a statistic or is that anecdotal? That's anecdotal. I mean, I don't I just know that even I've talked to therapists and they've even confirmed that I'm trying to think of of a good answer here Why would that? Well, I would say most men, you know oftentimes aren't as introspective number one Introspective in the sense that they don't think there's anything wrong So they dismiss things um because it requires them to go inward whenever there's a challenge in a relationship Could be pride maybe the thinking right exactly their own So it's kind of like men asking for directions, you know a woman has no problem going to gas station asks for direction The guy's like, you know, he doesn't have a maps. He doesn't have google maps. He doesn't have ways He doesn't even have a talmis brother guy, but he's going to figure it out on his own Oops, you're on mute You there. Yeah, I'm here. Oh, you were muted for a second Just a minute. Well, listen my friend. I'm grateful to have you come on by the way folks I just want to remind everyone trip is my co-host on a podcast. We have called relationships are underrated It's talking about relationships trip is one of the few male coaches I believe that actually Promotes Healthy male behavior teaches helps men to overcome their fear of rejection But more importantly helping them build a life that becomes attractive for a woman to want them We have a significant percentage of young men out there Who are our fearful of relationships? They're fearful of connecting with people And so someone like trip is a person who helps them with that. So I'm very grateful for my friends And I unmuted you. Thank you for having me on. I appreciate it. Well, you're very welcome my friend next time Why don't you show up on camera? I'll try I promise. All right. Thanks buddy. I'll talk to you later All right, folks, uh, let's see what we got here um I missed a lot of good questions. I apologize classy sassy says How can a man overlook physical intimacy with other women outside their long-term marriage on the cute quiet? I'm not being judgy, but I'm trying to get my head around it. Does this make it okay? You know, that's another interesting thing It's quite possible. I didn't share this before melon uh, was elizabeth It could possibly be that he was getting sex elsewhere. It's very rare men want to go willing to go without sex Uh, and and if they do so in a marriage It is possible that he could have been getting his needs met somewhere else or maybe he was addicted to porn That's another possible reason It sounds like that you're out of the relationship And what I want you to focus on and I know it might have felt uncomfortable to feel like it might have been judging you But I invite you The past is prologue. Yes. It sucked being in that we all have shitty things that have happened in our lives The question is are we going to live in the past? Are we going to hyper focus on the future that or at least the present? Let me just say this which includes the future thereafter and that's my invitation for everyone Hey folks, did you get value out of this? Did you get value out of this if you did please hit that like button? Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel If you'd like to connect with me check out the links below to a discovery call with me to join my group called midlife love mastery to find Um to find me on instagram and all the other wonderful places You can connect with me and I want to thank all of my guests that are on tonight Especially my good friend trip from trip advice. Thanks for being on you were great next time on video All right. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic chocolate bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. Please forget the pit stains I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet Teddy bear pillow and give enter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We can all use more love in our lives. I want to thank elizabeth and mon sherry um and uh mccoy and jill's in the house I'm going to be interviewed. I'm going to be interviewed on her channel soon and marie Um And alana and happy and terry Please put the podcast in the description box. We'll do Uh carmen and elizabeth And everyone thanks so much for being on I had a lot of fun with y'all be well. Take care. Bye now