 The lessons to be learned on the athletic field are an important part of school activities. As Armist Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, is the first to admit. And in this sphere, there's nothing quite like the friendly baseball rivalry between Madison and Clay City High. No, indeed. There's been nothing quite as friendly since the Martins clobbered the coys. The traditional Madison-Clay High baseball game has been a no-holds-barred affair for 30 years. And this year's game promised to be the bitterest of all, since the winner would gain permanent possession of the silver-loving cup provided by Madison founder, Yo-Dar Critch. Without our sour pitcher-stretched snotgrass though, we wouldn't have much chance to win. And this catastrophe seemed imminent last Thursday morning as Mr. Boynton was driving me to school. It's nice to have you driving me to school for a change. Instead of Walter Benton, I mean. Well, I'm glad to oblige, Ms. Brooks. His car is laid up, as I understand. Yes, I think it has a touch of the virus. Would you mind sitting a little closer to me, please? No, I wouldn't mind at all. Is that better? A little closer yet. Alrighty. Still closer. Mr. Boynton, what's behind these unexpected overtures? Those springs you were sitting on are about to go right through the upholstery. You hadn't moved, you would have landed right in my lap. Now he tells me. Well, this old car isn't much, but I'd hate to lose it. At least it gets me where I want to go, and it never runs out of gas. Then it'll never get me where I want to go. That is, I can see why you want to hang on to it. Well, that's just it, Ms. Brooks. I don't know if I'll be able to. Why not? Does it use too much coal? Oh, oil? It's all paid for, isn't it? Yes, but, well, George Gifford, Clay City's biology teacher, has been needling me for weeks on how badly Clay City was going to beat Madison this year. You know how I disapprove of gambling, but, well, finally, my baser instincts got the better of me, and I agreed to a wager. A wager, Mr. Boynton? I agreed to bet him this car. Against what? The new suit. Well, if he didn't throw in an extra pair of pants, you've got the worst of it. All in all, I guess it's a fair bet. Well, it was until a few days ago, but if stretch can't pitch today, we're sunk. When Clay High's principal, Jason Brill, asked the head of the board of education to review the scholastic records of the two teams, he knew exactly what he was doing. Stretch's head was the only one really on the block. Well, that part of him we can spare. It's his arm we can't afford to lose. Now, you know what I mean, Miss Brooks. I don't think his record will stand the inspection of the cold light of day. His record won't stand inspection on a hot night in the coalmine. But he may still be eligible to pitch today if he can pass the general quiz the board ordered Mr. Compton to give him. I'm afraid he has as much chance as a... Well, maybe one snowball didn't melt down there. Well, there's no sense brooding about it. Anyway, if stretch does pitch, and we do win today, I've made up my mind to take you to the circus tonight. Really? Mm-hmm. Remember the swell time we had at the circus last year? It was fun at that. At least until you tried to stay one round with that prize fighter who billed himself the blindfolded marvel. Well, it was worth a try at the $50 he was offering, wasn't it? Well, I recall I needed the money for some work my dentist was doing on my teeth. Oh, that's right. And after the fight, you had less teeth to worry about. But on second thought, why pay good money to see a circus when we can catch a free one at school? Well, what do you mean, Miss Brooks? Maybe Mr. Conklin will let us watch Stretch trying to answer that quiz. School's plenty of time today, Mr. Barnes. I guess it's just as well that we didn't go... Oh, here's Walter Denton. I wish I could say good morning, but it isn't. This may well be the blackest day in Madison's history. Come now, Walter. All hope isn't lost. Oh, just about, Mr. Boynton. The O'dar Critch Memorial Cup is about to become the permanent property of the students of Clay City High. But the game hasn't even been played yet. That's right, Walter. We may still win that loving cup. Are you kidding, Mr. Boynton? Without Stretch, we couldn't win a moist paper cup. Is that the reason you're walking around like a St. Bernard with a hangover? Well, what other reason could there be? You don't think for one moment the four weeks allowance I've bet on the game has anything to do with it? Well, if Stretch passes Mr. Conklin's quiz this morning, you may still win your bet, Walter. Well, whatever chance he did have went out the window last night, Miss Brooks. While all we loyal, industrious pupils were home studying, Stretch was at the circus. How do you know? Yeah, I sat right in back of him. Not only that, he was with Judy Brill. Jason Brill's daughter? I doubt if Judy's his son. But Mr. Brill isn't missing a single bet to keep Stretch from playing, is he? I'll say he's not. Judy even got Stretch to fight the blindfolded marvel. He didn't. Was he badly hurt? Sure. Stretch almost killed him. One punch and he was colder than Mr. Conklin's heart. What was that about Mr. Conklin's heart, Jendon? Oh, hello, Mr. Conklin. Yeah, I was saying nothing was bolder than your heart, sir. I'm pressed for time, so I'll accept that for now. Miss Brooks, Mr. Boyden, I'm glad I ran into you. I'd like you to come into my office for a few minutes. I want your assistance. Oh, could you use me too, sir? Not even as a bookend. Come along, you two. Yes, sir. Now, please sit down. No doubt you were aware of the intense rivalry existing between Jason Brill and myself, that the man will go to any lengths to defeat my school as evidenced by his latest bit of skull-duggery in trying to eliminate my star picture from today's game. Yes, sir, and we don't think it's a bit fair. Neither do I, Miss Brooks, but it isn't the victory that's so important to me. It's the spirit of decency, good sportsmanship, and my new hat. A friendly competition that should prevail. Your new hat, sir? Well, to be perfectly frank, that odious brill did needle me into a wager. But new hat or not, Jason Brill's request to Mr. Stone to review our team's scholastic records at this time is contemptible. Then why give Snugrath a quiz at all, sir? Because Mr. Stone has complied with Brill's request and ordered me to do so. However, there are more ways than one to skin the brill. Skin the brill? Oh, that's very good, Mr. Compton. It's not that good. No, it's not. Now then, I have concocted some questions which I trust Snugrath can answer. But since I am a man of such unwavering scholastic integrity, I wanted you to in here to witness the fairness of the test. Do you follow me? Right into a suspension. I mean, yes, sir. Ah, this must be Snugrath now. Come in. Good morning, Strat. Who are Miss Brooks? Hi, Mr. Boyden. I hope you don't mind my asking Miss Brooks and Mr. Boyden to sit in and I'll give you your quiz, Snugrath. Oh, no, sir. I certainly ain't got no objections to them, too. Especially Miss Brooks. Gosh, I never learned no more from no teacher than I learned in her English class. Quiet, Strat, sir. We'll both be ineligible. Now, Snugrath, we are all pulling for you, boy. Don't leave us down. Let us down. I've decided to give you a simple verbal or oral examination. Neither one's okay with me. Now, question A is a geography question. Have you done much traveling, Snugrath? No, sir. That was pretty easy, wasn't it? That wasn't the question. Now, here it is. In traveling between New York and Philadelphia, through what cities do you pass? Well, let's see. My uncle made that trip once. Trenton, Jersey, Cleveland, St. Louis and Omaha. Great. Just how was your uncle traveling? On a troop train. Oh, sir, it just wouldn't be patriotic not to accept that answer. You're right. You're right. Our next question is one involving logic. Now, listen carefully before you answer. A bat is to baseball as a wallet is to horseback riding, cheese or money. It is? Well, three of them stretch and you have your choice. Oh, okay. Horseback riding. Oh, no, I'm afraid I can't accept that. Oh, I thought you gave me my choice. Now, don't be an Indian giver, Mr. Conklin. Look, stretch. Permit me to question him, Miss Brooks. I have as much right to a nervous breakdown as anyone. Now, look, stretch. A bat must be the same to baseball as a wallet is to money, mustn't it? Not more wallets. Next question. Let us assume you are a mailman standing on 1st Avenue and your route starts at 2nd Avenue and ends at 4th Avenue. Your bag contains 4 pounds of mail for 2nd Avenue, 8 pounds for 3rd Avenue and 14 pounds for 4th Avenue. You sling the bag over your shoulder and what's the first thing you do? I fall down. Okay. In the next question, you are to rearrange the sentence I give you and tell me whether it's true or false. I don't think I'll pitch again this year. Now, now, it's very simple, honestly, it is. Now, here we go. Oranges yellow are. Now, what is that? Bad English. I know it's bad English. I did that purposely. Is it true or false? Oranges yellow are. Yellow are than what? That's the sentence. If you rearrange the word, it oranges are yellow. Gee, well, we thought yellow oranges were called lemons. Mr. Thompson made the statement, oranges are yellow. Is he right or wrong? Wrong. Absolutely correct. How did you ever get it? Well, if she'd asked me about you, I'd have said wrong long ago. The oranges have followed me up. Well, can I pitch this afternoon? Only if you get out of here while you're ahead. Hurry up now, Scoop. Yes, ma'am. Wait. Miss Fruick, since when do you take it upon yourself to... Oh, it's good, Conklin, principle speaking. Oh, hello, Mr. Stowe. What an opportune time for you to call, sir. Snodgrass has just passed the general quiz I gave him, and he'll be able to pitch for what you mean he won't be able to pitch. What? But why not, sir? He did. Yes, yes, Mr. Stowe. I'll be here when you arrive. Goodbye. What did he say? He said that stretch is about to be declared ineligible again. But why? Because of professionalism, Miss Fruick. Mr. Stone is coming over at three this afternoon to investigate the situation personally. But I don't understand, sir. How could stretch be accused of professionalism? It seems he attended the circus last night, and while he was there, he accepted money for lasting one round against someone billed as the blindfolded marvel. Our efforts to make stretch snodgrass eligible for the big game with Clay City, it looked like we were stymied. Mr. Brill's charge of professionalism was a serious one. When I met Mr. Boynton in the school cafeteria, we determined to hold a council of war. However, even this was interrupted by an emergency message to call Mrs. Davis at home. When I did so, she recognized my voice immediately. I'm so glad you called, Henry. Mrs. Davis, do you know who this is? Of course I do. Please send over two and a half pounds of liver. Our cat is on a high protein diet. Mrs. Davis, this is Connie. Why, Connie? What are you doing in the butcher shop? I'm not in the butcher shop. I'm at school. You less worried for me to call you back at once that it was an emergency. Oh, that explains it. I left word for the butcher to call me back at once, too. When I say it's emergency, everyone calls me back immediately. Well, you're liable to call Wolfe once too often. Oh, no danger of that, dear. I don't know anybody named Wolfe. It was your emergency. Oh, yes. But I wanted to know if Stretch passed his quiz this morning. Yes, he passed, Mrs. Davis. Well, that's a relief. It's not only that I wanted to see him pitch, but, well, to have a little... A confession? Yes. I made a little bet with Mrs. Jackson to be high. What did you bet, Mrs. Davis? Against what? If it's comfortable. Looking for a room for quite a while, Connie. But there's nothing to worry about, really, sure thing. But Stretch has been accused of professionalism, Mrs. Davis. It's almost certain he'll be declared ineligible. Oh, that's terrible. I doubt it, Mrs. Davis. I don't think you're in shape to pitch nine innings. Well, I've got to get back to lunch. Now, I'll talk to you later. All right, Connie. Goodbye. Goodbye, dear. Well, of all the crazy bets to make. Hello, Miss Brooks. Oh, hello, Harriet. You look as if you'd heard about Stretch's predicament. I have. Oh, and Daddy wants you to be in his office to greet Mr. Stone when he gets here right after school. Daddy had to go downtown about something. He won't be back until after three. All right. Does your father think Stretch has any chance of being declared ineligible today? No, Miss Brooks. Mr. Stone's re-election as head of the Board of Education comes up in two weeks, and Daddy says this is a golden opportunity for him to display his thoroughness. But don't forget he's got Stretch on two counts, professionalism and brawling in public. One more, and he won't even be eligible for parole. Poor Stretch. He doesn't even know he's not going to pitch today. Well, he will in a minute. He's coming over now. Hi, Miss Brooks. Hi, Harriet. Boy, the old soup bone feels great. I'm really rearing to go this afternoon. And we're rearing to see you go. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. It looks like you're not going to pitch this afternoon, after all. Why not? I passed the quiz this morning, didn't I? So I'm illegible to pitch, ain't I? You're illegible to pitch? Well, if you admit it, what's all I talk about? Well, that's just it, Stretch. You're not illegible. Allegible. Illegal. Eligible, Miss Brooks? Well, I was getting warmer. Stretch, you've been charged with professionalism. Professionalism? Well, that's a lie. There ain't never been no professor in my life. That I can vouch for. But the professionalism of which you're accused stems from your knocking out the blindfolded marvel at the circus last night and taking money for it. Oh, that. That's true. I flattened the poor fellow, but I didn't get no money for it yet. You didn't? What? No, ma'am. The marvel's bringing over the money himself right after school. He told me so on the phone. Oh, but that's great, Stretch. Until the money's actually in your hands, you're not a professional. Well, I guess I ain't. But I told the guy to meet me in front of Mr. Conklin's office. I had to make it a simple place because with that blindfold on last night, you don't even know what I look like. Oh, that's better, yes. Stretch, I'm going to show up in your place. You, Miss Brooks, wouldn't you have kind of a tough time proving you was me? Well, there are some basic differences between them. That isn't quite what I had in mind. Just promise me one thing, Stretch. Yes, ma'am. I want you to stay away from Mr. Conklin's office all afternoon. Don't even come near it. If you do that, you may still pitch in the big game. Do I have your word, Stretch? Not sure, Miss Brooks. I'll start hiding right now. See you later. Bye, Stretch. What are you driving at, Miss Brooks? Just this, Harriet. Even if Stretch hasn't received the money yet, I'm afraid that in his present mood Mr. Stone will still declare him ineligible. So? So, since Mr. Stone and the blindfolded Marvel are arriving at approximately the same time, I'm going to get to the fighter first and tell him Mr. Stone is Stretch. With a little needling on what a bum Stretch thinks he is, I'm hoping that the Marvel will go for Mr. Stone and Mr. Stone will go for the door in such a hurry that he'll forget about the investigation. Anyone for Judo? You see, Mr. Boynton, if Stretch hasn't received the money yet, he can't be accused of professionalism. Particularly if he never does receive that money. And, Walter, there may be a way to prevent it. How? Well, if I've got it straight, the blindfolded Marvel is coming over to pay Stretch at three o'clock. And since he doesn't know what Stretch looks like, anyone could receive the money in his place. You follow me? You're like a hot rod with the cutout open. All I've got to do is to impersonate Stretch. You, Mr. Boynton? Certainly. After getting a couple of my teeth knocked out last season, I feel that the Marvel owes me something. And now I'm going to get it. Excuse me. One of your characters told me where the fighter guy named Stretch's not great. You must be the blindfolded bum. Um... He said he was telling us about. Stretch said he might be a few minutes late. Won't you step into our principal's office and wait? Oh, yeah, okay, okay. You run along now, Harriet. All right, Miss Brooks. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed. I'm Miss Brooks. I teach English here. English? It's a sort of language. I recognize you anywhere from Stretch's description, but I'm rather surprised to see you alone. Oh, why? Well, Stretch said you always had to have somebody with you to hold you up. Hey, hey, is he kidding? That one lucky punch of his is the first time I've been tagged since the doctor helped me up on my heels. I've been in a pretty big doctor. But, Miss Marvel, while we're waiting, would you mind letting me look through your jaw? Look through my jaw? Yes, Stretch said it was made of glass. Wait, wait, wait, that punk, that punk. Just wait till I get my hands on him. Oh, now there's no point in getting excited about it. Why should you care just because someone you'll never see again thinks you're a gaily-colored bird? A gaily-colored bird? Well, his exact words were as yellow as a canary. Just one punch. That's all I asked. Just one, just one punch. Oh, this might be snodgrass now. Come in. Well, I hope I ain't kept nobody waiting, but here I am to pick up my money. What? Are you snodgrass? Well, that's me all right, Stretch Snodgrass. You going to leave me have it? Yeah. I'm going to leave you have it all right. Oh, no, wait, Marvel, this is our biology. So I'm a canary, am I? Oh! That even stinks up, eh? Yes, indeed. That takes care of the teeth you missed last year. You've made a terrible mistake, Marvel. This isn't Stretch Snodgrass. Well, then, he's the one who made the mistake. Why did he say that I was... Oh, this must be the snodgrass you're expecting. Come in. Stretch home is the whole thing, Miss Brooks. Walk over my door, Marvel. Oh, no. You snare Stretch Snodgrass? What was that? I said, I use Stretch Snodgrass. Oh, yes. Our principal, Mr. Connors. Your principal? Hey, what's going on here? When do I get Snodgrass? Right now. Come on in. Hello, Miss Brooks. What in the world is this? The death scene from King Richard? Well, if it isn't Stretch Snodgrass. There you go, Pa. This guy doesn't sound like the snodgrass I spoke to on a phone. That's the weakest alibi I've ever heard. Maybe you were right about the blindfolded Marvel being yellow, Stretch. Eh, I'll show you who's yellow. Put up your docks, Snodgrass. My dukes. Here's something to remember me by. Mr. Marvel, Mr. Marvel, get up. Well, what do you know? He has got a glass jaw. Mr. Brooks starring in Vars and Plants Drive was produced and directed by Laurie Burns. Written by Arthur Osberg and Al Lord with the music of Bud Glaskin. The concert was played by Gale Gorton. This is the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.