 That's the theme from the Sears Radio Theatre. Tonight's story is a comedy with Andy Griffith as your host. Here's a preview. Professor, everybody knows that smoking is no good. Yeah? How about smoked salmon? Smoked turkey. Smoked hasik. Smoking a haddock doesn't hurt anything. Look what it done to the haddock. The Sears Radio Theatre will begin after this message from your local station. From Anything Goes and Before to Zoot Suit and Beyond, WNEW salutes Broadway. Beginning May 29th, we're going to pay tribute to the great White Way, its people, its music, and its shows. You'll have a chance to attend the hottest black tie event of the Broadway season, the Tony Awards. Simply send a postcard by next Wednesday too. Salute to Broadway, WNEW 655 3rd Avenue, New York, 1-0017. There'll also be dozens of opportunities to win hot tickets to Broadway shows. All of them for the correct answer to theater trivia questions, not to mention interviews and comments from Broadway's leading lights and the music. Yes, WNEW salutes Broadway from May 29th until Tony night, June 3rd. On the hot number 1130. So take some advice from dear Abby. Call or write stores for you and your husband to share charge accounts. Have them listed in both names, yours as well as his. Say you want joint charge accounts listed as Mrs. Mary Jones as well as Mr. John Jones, so you will have a history of credit too. The law gives you that right. This is Andy Griffith. They say the third time's the charm. Well, speaking for myself, the first two times were about as good as you can get in this type of work, but nevertheless, the third time's supposed to be the all-time topper. So once again, just like I did those two previous times, I'm going to rest my feet and exercise my laughing machinery because here's Morgan. Hello, anybody. Here's Morgan. The program which follows is rated PG, which means pretty good. It also means parental guidance is advised. Parental guidance means that since today's kids know so much, they have to guide their parents through a thing like this. Some people worry about children, particularly children who watch television commercials. There's a movement, as I'm sure you know, to have Congress pass a law against showing commercials to little kids. Of course, the parents of these little kids could tell them to turn the set off, but that would be illegal. It's against human rights. Listen, America, we don't need any more laws. It's as simple as this. I want sugar dinghies for breakfast. What are sugar dinghies? I've seen... Saw. I saw them on TV. The boys said they taste good, but I vote for you. This morning, we are having orange juice, corn flakes, scrambled eggs, toast, and milk. I want sugar dinghies. Sugar dinghies are bad for you. Haven't you seen those fluoride commercials where all the kids are bad teeth? That's from eating sugar. If they did need sugar, they wouldn't have to use that toothpaste. I want sugar dinghies. I'll pick them up on my way home from work. Sears Radio Theatre, a new adventure in radio listening. Five nights of exceptional entertainment every week. Brought to you in Elliott Lewis' production of The Sears Radio Theatre. Tonight, here's Morgan once more. Henry Morgan, that is. The Sears Radio Theatre is brought to you by Sears Roebuck & Company. Sears, where America shops for vag... I sell draperies at Sears. Yesterday, a lady came in and said that she'd been in and out of about every store in town looking for draperies and at this point, didn't know what she wanted anymore. I asked questions about her tastes and decor and then made suggestions. She was thrilled. She found what she wanted and learned a little too. It made me feel good to know that I helped her out. Sears people are friendly people who help you find what you want. Oh, here I go again. It's time to rent one of those steam-type carpet cleaners. Why rent? Now Sears puts power in the carpet cleaner you can own yourself. The power spray from Sears for easy home carpet cleaning. Power spray sprays hot water into your carpet, then sucks up the dirty water. You can see the dirt you get out. Dirt you didn't even know was there. The power spray carpet cleaner, a convenient carpet cleaner you can own yourself. Available at most Sears retail stores. Kenmore. Solid as Sears. Sears National Automotive Sale. Get big national savings on the Sears Die Hard. Only $49.99 with trade-in. You save $8 on the maintenance-free battery that starts nearly every card in need. And save on Sears Dynaglass-built-in-28 tires. They're on sale now at 40% off spring 1979 general catalog prices. Plus federal excise tax. Dynaglass-built-in-28 tires. Save 40% at most Sears Tire and Auto Centers. Prices may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. And now welcome to another episode of Happy Dose. Happy Dose is about a group of rotten teenagers. The leader of the gang is a moron. But he's the leader because he's able to point at himself with both thumbs at the same time. He is known as Bonzi or the Bons. As we look in on them now, they're discussing their plans for the day. Hey fellas, whatcha doing? I mean, whatcha doing? We're just waiting for the Fonz. He'll tell us what we want to do. Yeah, he's the best looking all of us and he's got the best clothes. Boy, I wish I had his fancy boots. Hey, let's go steal some boots off of some creeper. I have to explain right here. It's necessary to use canned laughter on shows like Happy Dose. Did you know that you can buy laughs by the can? Yes, it's expensive. For instance, a pound of loud snorts is about eight dollars. Chuckles are twelve bucks. Low appreciative laughs are going for twenty. Loud har-hars, the rip-rawers are from twenty to thirty an ounce. This can run into real money. Listen. Hey, you know what I think? I think we ought to steal the boots before the Fonz gets here. Why do you say that, huh? Tell me, why do you say that, huh? Because the Fonz got a funny sense of ethics, you know? What's ethics? Er, ethics means you don't steal nothing while the cops is looking. Eleven dollars. Hey fellas, here comes the Fonz now. Yeah, hey! Canned applause is eleven dollars, the small can. Of course, a lot of it's coming in now from Hong Kong and Taiwan. It doesn't last as long, but it's cheap. Hey, fellas, I got the whole evening planned all out. You just leave everything to me. I gotta wait to meet some girls. About four of them. You kidding? Mixed laughter and applause costs about the same as caviar. The best thing to do is buy a dry mix and then add saliva. At this point, the network feels you won't mind an interruption of happy-dose because you need another sex pack, so they cut to a commercial. Introducing a new wonderful perfume from Shainu, the famous French house. Introducing the perfume that makes men tremble. Sex. Sex. I've used sex for years. It's brought me everything I wanted. You, lovely you. Why don't you try sex? And now, back to happy-dose. The adventures of a gang of youthful bums who, if there is a God above, will all end up in jail. The bounce is speaking, or whatever that noise is he makes with his throat. Hey! Now listen, you guys, I got a great idea. Why don't we all get some pizza? Yeah! Wait a minute, I only got 40 cents. Yeah, where'd you get it? Out at my old lady's purse. I find that very difficult to believe. What are you, you don't believe I took her off my old lady? No, I don't believe she had 40 cents. Coming Monday night on most of these same stations. Music playing Charlton Hesburgh and The Vanishing Planet. From outer space come unbelievable monsters with huge flying rockets each 1,000 miles long. They capture the whole earth, all of it. Dolly Parton and everything. Then they cut it up and haul it away. The Vanishing Planet rated Monday night, 8 Eastern, 7 Mountain, 3 IAM and Sunday in Japan. All across America, folks are saving at the Sears Pre-Memorial Day Sale. I got myself this handy weed wacker for only $49.99 and saved $5. It's got a powerful craftsman motor with two speeds for those tough jobs. Plus a big 17-inch cut. Sears weed wacker at a great price. I got a heavy duty two-speed sanded ballisher for only $79.99. Saved 30 bucks. That's a rookie craftsman tool at a great savings. It's the Sears Pre-Memorial Day Sale. Available at most Sears retail stores, prices may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. And now for men, a Sears Super Value on a Vested 4P suit. Just $89.97 is the special purchase price that buys a coat, two slacks, and a reversible vest that combined for a wardrobe of six different outfits. Come see for yourself that this special purchase, though not reduced, is an exceptional value. Sears Vested 4P suit, only $89.97 while quantities last. It's a value that's worth a special trip. Prices may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. Who's going to do the dishes? Now is a great time to let Sears do the dishes. Because you'll save $50 on selected portable and under-the-counter dishwashers. Now through May 26th, help save on energy while they work for you too. Since the water miser cycle uses less water than normal wash, and the power miser option dries with cool four-stare. So save $50 and let Sears do the dishes. Dates may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. Available at most larger Sears retail stores. This is Henry Morgan back in the theater. There has been some talk about how the rebels of a few years ago have calmed down and they're not in revolt anymore. We've discovered, however, that not all young people of the 60s and early 70s have given up the fight. And we have with us tonight one of the real old-time haters of society who has never changed his mind. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. L. Buskirk Venom. Is it a pleasure to welcome you, Mr. Venom? Pleasure's all yours. I dare say. May I call you Buskirk? No. I don't like that business of calling people you don't know by their first names. Hello there, Tom. Hello there, Dick. And all that that they do on the TV. You mentioned Tom and Dick. What about Harry? Do you know him? Well, no. Then don't use his first name. And all that kissing that goes on. A woman makes her entrance right away. She goes over and kisses Mr. Carson. Does he know all those women intimately? Well, I doubt it, but... And they call him Johnny, a man of 53 years of age. And Luxa. And the president of the United States, Jimmy. Do they call the president of Egypt Annie? I guess. Of course not. Well, we used to call the prime minister of Great Britain, Winnie. To his face. I guess not. Jimmy Carter. Annie Sada. Manny Bagan. That would be a great team. Annie and Manny. A bunch of foreigners anyway. Well, Mr. Venom, you seem to be against almost everything. Maybe it's because I have veterans of foreign wars disease. Veterans of foreign wars disease? I don't like the legionnaires either. You want to know how I always spend Thanksgiving? I'm afraid to ask. I complain all day. They like my shirt and tie. Very nice. Looks like a European design. Jewish Dior. I thought it was Christian Dior. This is the other one. Same as the brandy I drink. The brandy, I think I can guess. Jewish brothers? You got it. Well, I'm glad your spirit of rebellion hasn't died, Mr. Venom, and thanks for coming in. That's okay, Annie. Many sports fans believe that all the excitement is out there on the field. What isn't generally recognized is that there's a lot more action up there in the front office where the deals are made. We take you now to the magnificently furnished suite of the president of the Denver Dragons, Horatio Hunk. Mr. Hunk is at his desk. To his left sits his lawyer, Thaddeus Graspo. To his right, his general manager, Irish McCullough. Seated in chairs in front of him are Elvis Nerd, a free agent. And Nerd's accountant, tax man, business manager, legal staff, hairstylist, and his old buddy, Dave Snake. Mr. Hunk speaks first. Uh, well, Nerd, welcome to Denver. I wouldn't say anything definite at this time, Mr. Hunk, sir. All I said was welcome. Well, you know how the papers can blow that up. It's practically a commitment. Oh, yeah, right. How's about hello? That's okay. But keep out the warmth. You know what I mean? Got you. Now, uh, as I understand it, Elvis here batted, uh, 248 last year. In his last five games, it was 324. And he had a sore arm. Oh, no! I mean, he didn't have a sore arm. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. What I'm getting at is, uh, we might be interested. I say might be interested in having Elvis here play for our club. After all, it's only a game. But we'd be prepared to pay him a reasonable salary, of course. Yeah, what do you mean reasonable? Well, uh, we've given this a lot of thought. Yeah, and what have you come up with? Well, we thought, uh, maybe one year firm and, uh, $100,000. What? A hundred? You're trying to kill my boy! Come, Elvis, get on your feet. We're not going to sit here and listen to this man's perverted humor. Hold it! I was just, uh, sort of testing the sore arm. I just wanted to find out what you had in mind. What do you have in mind? I'll tell you what we have in mind. What we have in mind is four years non-cancelable, $5 million flat net after taxes firm. Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Grasp, Bo. Get somebody to get me something. Water, scotch, aspirin, bandage, body splints of trust. But you got some booze in here! Now, do you see what you've done with your clowning? You have no right to say things like that to a sick man. Not even kidding. Well, if he can test, we can test. Here's the stuff, chief. Oh, I may live. I'm not sure. How do I look? How do I look? I think the little roses are coming back to your cheeks. All right. My final word. Uh, two years, $500,000. Final, final deal. Now, let's talk about the important things. First, he gets a Rolls Royce, free hotel suites, and every Thursday off. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. The pains. Grasp, Bo. The pains. Get my doctor. Get an ambulance. My heart pills. A nurse. Two nurses. Seriously, folks, you're dealing not only with a sick man, but also a man of limited means. Well, we know that. That's why we're only demanding a bonus of 10% of the television broadcast rights. 10%. 10%. 10%. 10%. 10%. 10% of the grass book. What did the man say? I can't hear. I can't hear anymore. I'm deaf. I can't see. Turn up the lights. Turn up the lights. All right. 5%. Was there a voice? Did the voice make a remark? He said 5%. Of the net, of course. 5% of the TV gross. Grass book. Show me where the window is. I will hurl myself through it. No, no. I don't have the strength. Just open it for me. I'm a good fellow. I'll just lean forward and fall out. Okay, okay. Have it your way. Get the TV percentage for the first year. Come on. We've got a deal. Where do I sign? Right here. There. Okay. It's all settled. Hey, honk. Why are you taking off your clothes? I'm just putting on my jogging outfit and have to do my three miles every day. We'll return after this message from your local station. There's a couple of Salvation Army guys over there. You know, the Salvation Army operates these core community centers all over the country, where everyone from kids to senior citizens can make new friends and... Hey, wait a second. How do you know all this about the Salvation Army? Well, I spoke with one of their officers the other day, and I asked him what the Salvation Army did. Come on. They pick up old clothes and furniture. Right. But what you don't know is they operate day care centers, senior citizen homes, summer camps, and disaster relief services for areas that are stricken with tornadoes, floods. Wow. The Salvation Army isn't all that. I had no idea. That's right. And the Salvation Army has been in America for nearly 100 years. No kidding. 1980 is the 100th anniversary of the Salvation Army in the United States. Wow. That's some tradition. If you need help with a problem or can help, call your local Salvation Army today. My name's Hart, Sam Hart. For years, I've been busting my pocketbook track in the one they call the Silent Killer. High blood pressure. Lots of people are shadowed day and night by this killer. A lot of them know it, too. But don't protect themselves with the medicine their doctors prescribe. They say they feel just fine. This can be a deadly mistake. High blood pressure gives you no clues, no symptoms. But it opens the way for the big ones. Stroke, heart attack. High blood pressure is an enemy, all right. One you should never underestimate. See your doctor. Have your blood pressure checked. If your doctor prescribes medication, take it every day. No matter how well you might feel. Contact your American Heart Association for the locations of free blood pressure screenings. We're fighting for your life. As we all know, doctors get their names in the papers every day by coming up with new things that cause cancer in mice. It has been discovered that if you give a mouse enough of anything, he'll take to his bed with a hot water bottle and won't talk to anybody. One of the unfortunate side effects of all these discoveries is that many doctors feel that all of the possibilities have been explored and that there's nothing left that will help them get their names in the paper. For this reason, we have opened a special school for doctors to teach them how to get publicity from new discoveries of dangerous things that can make you sick. I see that the class is starting right now, and we'll just sort of eavesdrop by lowering our microphone over the trance. All right. All right. A class, come to order, please. Today, gentlemen, we take up the subject of hay. Take up what? I didn't get that. Hay. The subject is hay. Hay. Like, what do you eat when you're a horse? Hay. Hay? Hay can give you cancer? A dog? I don't know. Does it? How should I know? Listen, professor, what's fair is fair. I'm here to learn how to get my name in the papers with a new discovery. I can't just call a press conference and say I've discovered that hay is a carcinogen. Find out. Has anybody given any hay to mice? Sure. I did it myself. They wouldn't eat it. Well, there you are, professor. It's simple. You just call the reporters and tell them, hay is bad for you. Even mice won't eat it. They must know something. Professor, we can't all use hay. I mean, how would it look? Please, I got plenty more. Hay, I give to Dr. Arnold. And who's next? How about me, professor? For you, Dr. Finchmager, I got Jersey City. Jersey City? Can that make you sick? It makes me sick. Now, for Dr. Smith, I got a good one. You should tell your reporters that girls named Melvin are causes of disease. I never even heard of a girl named Melvin. Yeah, well, you gotta admit it's a funny name for a girl. Sure, but there's certainly no reason... All right, all right. How about Amos? All right, how about Smoking? Professor, everybody knows that smoking is no good. It's been used all over the place. How about Smoked salmon? Smoked turkey. Smoked haddock. Smoking a haddock doesn't hurt anything. Look what it done to the haddock. Anyways, for you, Dr. Beamish, I got putty. Putty? Like, I mean... Putty? Okay, don't want putty. I give you shoe polish. You call a conference by the media. If you discover shoe polish gives you cancer. Well, if I do that, they'll laugh at me. Okay, so you become a comedian. You make me laugh. Now, for Dr. Willis, I got a real winner. Sure, fire. Great, great. What is it? I mean, if it's really an undiscovered sickness, Michael, I could sure use it. I need the publicity. Tell me, tell me. For you, I got a real killer. It makes everybody sick. Hurry, Professor. Shoot it to me. What makes everybody sick? Laverne and Shirley. I should have had that. That sounds fair. That's a bust of all. Why give it the hat? Take back pay and get me that. Order, order. I got plenty more. You can get sick from cold cream, hot cream, sour cream, cream cheese, pot cheese, cheese and crackers, cream crackers, oyster crackers, oyster, two beef stew, princess, blinces, m&x, ham and cochilema, Boston ivy, Boston lettuce, lesson tomato, stuffed tomato, baked potato, fried potato, hash brown, brown Betty, cold spaghetti, baked beans, lime and beans, mustard greens. Slugging, jogging, leapfrogging, joking, smoking, poking, striving, driving, drinking, thinking, fighting, biting, moaning, coughing. Professor, Professor, it seems that anything you eat, anything you do, anything at all can make people sick. Am I right? Wrong. 200% wrong. Everything makes mice sick. Then we know the cure. Right, but you can't get rid of the mice. Why? Because you kill the mice. All the doctors get their names in the paper. Take care of the mice. Long live mice. Mice is good for you. Probably the most nervous business ever invented is the television business. What television is so nervous about is that you might get up and go to the bathroom during the commercials. And in order to prevent this, the commercials always come on so fast you don't know what you're watching, the program or the advertising. Of course this doesn't stop you from going, but it does cut down on your time. As a matter of fact, some people walk to the bathroom backwards because they're not sure, you know, to show you how this works, or how part of it works, they're ready for prime time players or for that stirring drama of home life, the Thompson family starring Sadie Thompson. As the story begins, we're in the living room and Mother Thompson is talking to her daughter Gwendolyn while they wait for Father Thompson to come home from the office. Know something, Gwen. Here I am, a handsome, intelligent woman of about 45 or so, happily married with three children, two mostly grown up and one not so. And still I don't know what to have for dinner. And your father, Mr. Thompson, is due home in 47 minutes. Well, I wouldn't let it worry me more. Why should it? Nothing worries you. Not even that no good second or third husband of yours. The one who wants to marry you again and you listen to him even though he is a literate scruffy, a leech and a general no good and pretty ugly too. Where is he now, by the way? Well, he's waiting for me in the kitchen. Well, let's go to the kitchen. I want to talk to that young man. Well, where is he? Oh, oh, what's that there on the floor? It's Howard. He's dead. Oh, what do you use to clean your sink? Oh, look at all those annoying spots. I know how to split, Mother. Oh, well, that's no good. Why don't you use what I use? Here, now, let me show you. Here's what I use. Health Senate spot gunk. It successfully checks all those germ-laden health-ruining pieces of ugly ick in your sink. Besides, it's health-scented, so after you've used it, your sink smells like health. Oh, see? Well, that's about 115, maybe 200% better than what I've been using. First thing tomorrow, I'm going to take my illegitimate child, the one that I had between husbands one and two, and rush down to my favorite supermarket, the one that's having special sales, whereby you save two cents on your 200-pound sack of barfola, the organic chicken feed, and get a huge money-saving jar of health-scented spot gunk. You'll be ecstatic, dear. I can see that he's dead, but who is it? It's Howard. I told you, Scruffy, no good Howard. Well, I must say, he's been just as inconsiderate as he always was. What do you mean by that? I'm going right in front of the icebox. Hello? Is anybody home? No, don't say anything just yet. I don't want to upset your father. We're in here. Don't come in. It's a surprise. Now remember, mum's the word. Okay, mum. Don't be snippy. Let's go. Hello there. Well, I'm glad you said there was a surprise in the kitchen. I could use one. Boy, what a day down at the office, where I work. What a bad day, dear. Terrible. One of my clients, the rich millionaire Marvin Gartens, broke both his legs. I know I'm a fool for asking this, but how did he break his legs? It was because of a hammock. A hammock in the middle of winter? Yeah, he slipped on the ice. Then another client had to rush his kid to the hospital. The kid had watched television for 19 hours. Well, that doesn't sound like... He fell asleep with his head leaning on his hand. Well, that doesn't sound like... In his hand, he had an open-faced sandwich. Well, that doesn't sound like... Half a pound of peanut butter was jammed in his ear. And I couldn't straighten out his body. His muscles froze into the shape of a chair. Well, that sounds like trouble. Then I had another client, 94 years old. Smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. He's been blind for 40 years. Just had an eye operation that restored his sight. 94 years old, smoked three packs a day. First thing he saw when he opened his eyes was a pack of cigarettes. He read what it said, never saw it before. Cigarettes could be dangerous to your health. He dropped dead. Smoked? No, he had a heart attack. Well, what's for dinner? I'm starved. Let's go out to the kitchen. I think it would be better. Oh, come on. I'll help with the cooking. Let's go. Well, good lord. What's this? What's wrong? You got ring around the collar. My powder didn't work. No, no need to be upset. Before washing the shirt, all one needs to do is massage the interior surface of the collar with purge. Purge in the bright yellow bottle will restore the shirt to its pristine loveliness. Oh, you have no more ring around the collar. But I remember when he had a big, ugly black ring and it made you a revolting mess. It's a revolting mess. It's scruffy, no good Howard. Oh, what's left of him? Oh, uh, how could have killed him? I did. You? Why? Well, he proposed again and I had the feeling that I might give in again. All that would lead to us more misery, so instead I stabbed him with an ice pick. Why, that's incredible. That's fantastic. It sure is. Why, I haven't seen an ice pick in 20... 20, 25 years or more. Is there someone you haven't seen in 20, 25 years or more? Why not call them tonight? Remember, it's only a dollar and five cents for 23 miles. A dollar 60 cents for 52 miles and only 40 cents if they don't remember you. Remember, getting there is half the fun. But if you can't go, like if you have a cold or something hurts you or you don't have the money or if you lost the address, phone, it can't hurt. Several seers brass-plated lamps once switched on. The fine-plated antique satin shade illuminated the furniture softly. Another lamp turned on and another. The patio doors blew open. The glowing brass-plated lamp nearby with its heavy base built for stability did not budge. The room glowed in the brassy elegance that these seers best lamps command. Create your own hauntingly elegant moods with seers brass-plated lamps at most larger seers retail stores. Seers National Automotive Sale. Get big national savings on the Seers Die Hard. Only $49.99 would trade in. You save $8 on the maintenance-free battery that starts nearly every card in need. And save on Seers Dynaglass Belted 28 Tires. They're on sale now at 40% off Spring 1979 General Catalog Prizes. Plus federal excise tax. Dynaglass Belted 28 Tires. Save 40%. At most Seers Tire Nottle Centers. Prices may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. Stop! Health Seers! Nearly everyone at our party mentioned our new Seers Dream Supreme carpeting. Did anyone say anything about my rutabaga dip? Marvin said Dream Supreme looks so thick and luxurious. He loved its velvety soft plush pile. What about my rutabaga dip? Eloise adored the color of my rutabaga dip. I told her that avocado lime is just one of Dream Supreme's 20 lustrous colors and when Doris heard the Dream Supreme is so reasonably priced and treated with Scotch Guard brand fabric protector. Okay, what about my tuna fish upside down cake? Dream Supreme carpeting in most larger Seers Retail stores. Henry Morgan again. And now, Episode 11, Chapter 18 of your favorite daytime cereal, detergent. As you remember yesterday, Alan had told Nell that Rebecca was paralyzed from the waist down and Dr. Carson had given her from two to eight years to live. As a result, Hester has gone totally insane. She's had to be locked in the kitchen until Amos can get away from the office. Melvin is threatened to sue the man in the funny sweater, but Alice claims that he's a deviant and should be comforted, not mocked. Bill that has turned out is also a deviant, as is Melissa. They want to break up their marriage, but Lonzo has explained that they are better off this way. Since now, there won't be any more nasty surprises. As we look in on them now, Mary is going to the hospital, possibly to have a pancreas out or possibly to get a new stomach. Jeff is worried. I don't know. I just don't know. I know. I mean, I know what it means not to know. Or what it means. I knew you'd understand. Jeff, I wonder sometimes. I mean, well, I wonder. Oh, not about you. No, it's just that... It's just that when Corcoran said that about Tessie, I could have screamed. Of course, she's rotten. Of course, I know. To do things like that to a child. I mean, a child. What defenses has it? Oh, you're right. So right. No, don't. It may be Harvey. No, I don't think so. Harvey's in Pernambuco on that other thing. Maybe he's changed. Even so. If I were you, I wouldn't waste any more time. Time, after all, is what it's all about. Time? Oh, I'm so glad you said that. Of course. What could I have been thinking of? Oh, you know, sometimes I wonder where my poor brains are. You're right, as usual. I won't answer the phone. Stop ringing. Oh, thank God. You know, I thought it'd stop. I know. Mary, I don't want you to think about it anymore. Many people have to think about it. I don't want you to think about it anymore. Many people have had Sean Horst's disease. And lived happily for many years. But I don't have Sean Horst's disease. I know. It was just a for instance. I know. I'm sorry I said that. Hello? Oh, it's you, Harvey. Where are you? It's Harvey. He's downstairs. I know. Are you alone? Good. I know how you feel, Jeff, but please open the door just the same. Hi, Jeff. Hi, Mary. This is Gwen. But, but... I know. I told you I was alone, but I only did that because I know how you feel about floozies. Floozies? Yeah, ladies of the evening, tarts, trulles. But I don't even know what a trull is. A floozie. You know, a bum. Pavement, pounder, kinks for cash. A poor misunderstood outcast of society, a wave who's taken advantage of by economic discrepancies, someone who needs but a guiding hand, a friendly shoulder, in short, a chance. Does this woman know that you're paying me by the minute? We, uh... we have to humor her. She's about to enter a hospital. What's she got? It's, uh, well, it's a social disease. I ain't anti-social, so tell me. Oh, I get it. And I ain't got it. In fact, I never had it. Wait, she get it. From her dentist, painless Perkins. I won't have it, I tell you. No more of these innuendos, these sly remarks. Isn't it enough that I'm the mother of Siamese triplets? I know. I mean, I really do. And I'm pretty sick of you too. I know, I know. That's all you ever say. You're an idiot. I know. Hold your gab. And you, Gwen, you know something? What? You're the first call girl I ever had in the house. And speaking of houses, where do you work? Well, not in the house, dear. These days, I usually do my stuff on board the transcontinental airlines. On the airlines? How? Well, it's easy. Nowadays, they have those wide bodies, you know. Oh, I see. No, I don't. Anyway, how about a stick? So it's me. Here, genuine tooty fruity. Feel it yourself. My God, what's this? I thought you said a stick. Oh, come on, kids. Let's knock it off. Wait a second. Say, Mary, did you say you were the mother of Siamese triplets? Well, yeah. Oh, gee, could I see them? What do you think my kids are? Freaks or what? Oh, no, it's just... Have you ever seen Siamese twins? No. Don't you think you ought to start small? Come on, kids, knock it off. Don't you think so, Jeff? What? Oh, shut up. May I ask what your triplet's names are? See no evil, speak no evil, and hear no evil. Oh, cute. And are they boys or girls? Half and half. They couldn't be half and half. All right, how about two-thirds, one-third? Well, what is it, two-thirds? Half and half. And the other-third? Ow. And may I ask how old they are? Twenty-seven. You mean, yes, three-ninths. Look, I find this conversation a little... Oh, just a minute. Gwen, it's for you. Oh, thank you. Hello. Oh, all right, I'll be home in half an hour. My husband, he wants me to bring home lamb chops. Your husband? But I thought... He's an automobile salesman, and he makes good money, but you shouldn't be surprised. But with prices and all, lots of wives are working nowadays. Does your husband know you're working? He sure does. I told him I'm with the tourist bureau. Well, come on, Harve, I gotta go. Glad you've met you. Oh, thank you, thank you. Glad you've met you, too. You know something I just don't know. And what will happen now? Here are scenes from tomorrow's episode of Detergent. Look at this, Grover. What is it? It's our son's report card. It's awful. Let me see. Math D, Science D, English composition D. Hey, wait, Martha, here's an A. What did he get an A for? Here are two unstructured interpersonal relationships. Oh, God bless him, he takes after his father. Say, I've never been to a dentist before. Is this going to hurt? Yes. Well, this looks like a real good bookstore. Where do you keep the adult books? Adult books? You mean books that are over 21? I know what I mean. Adult books, books that are, you know, are older people. Older than what? Oh, come on. Where do you keep the books and the pornography? You mean vile, reprehensible, objectionable trash. You're looking for the immoral, degrading garbage that masquerades these days' literature. You're looking for erotica, is that right? Curiosa, gross, scabrous, and smutty. You want something that's lascivious, lewd, and vile? You want dirty books, am I correct? Yeah. Well, just look around, that's all the bookstores carry now. Don't miss the next episode of Detergent. And now the weather forecast. High winds followed by high skirts followed by me. Or it'll be on the same corner in front of the cigar store very soon at this same time. Honey, we've been on the road all day, and you still look cool and crisp. Wearing these sheer shorts and t-shirt help. They're so cool and packable on trips. I brought along several of each. The t-shirts come in solid shades, color keyed to the solid or patterned walking shorts, so I can affordably mix and match a vacation's worth of easy care sportswear. A summer's worth of looks. Summer t-shirts and shorts from Sears. Cool, neat, and practical. Available in misses sizes. What's in the bag? A package deal from Sears that lets me put my best foot forward. How's that? I saved 20% on this five pair bag of all pro sports socks. What great looks, great fit, and the savings really stack up. 20% off. You saved a bundle, all right. But are there other socks on sale? Choose from casual, sporty, and support styles, too. Three or five pair package deals from Sears. All at 20% off. Sale ends May 26, dates may vary in Alaskan, Hawaii. Yes, no, maybe so. It's a sunny bunch. Summer for girls on the go. Summer starts for your daughter with easy care halters, tanks, tees, and jogger shorts in colorful teams to switch around all summer. And each sunny bunch piece has a sunny saying and character screen print. Top, shorts, and place that's the pack of pretty punch. When it comes to packing sportswear, the choice is sunny bunch. Jump into summer with sunny bunch funware for your girls in sizes 7 to 14. All items available at most larger Sears retail stores. The Sears Radio Theater has been brought to you by Sears Roebuck & Co., where our policy is, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Sears, where America shops for value. Here's Morgan once more, was written by and starred Henry Morgan, produced and directed by Fletcher Markle. Your host was Andy Griffin. Members of the company were Elvia Allman, Bill Baldwin, Dawes Butler, Mary Jane Croft, Virginia Gregg, Elliott Lewis, Shepard Menken, and Frank Nelson. The music for Sears Radio Theater was composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle. This is Art Gilmore speaking. The Elliott Lewis production of Sears Radio Theater is a presentation of CVI.