 Okay, welcome back. We have looked into ways of how we deal with conflicts. We looked a little bit more into why conflicts are there, what, and we also determined that conflicts happen because of the differences that we see in one another, what happens when conflicts take place, the emotions that rise, what are helpful ways, what are unhealthy ways of dealing with these conflicts. So we've come up to that. Now we're going to be looking at seven steps on resolving conflicts, okay? These are steps that we look off and look as instructions that we see both, we've drawn both from spiritual as well as practical ways of dealing with relationships. Now this needed just be for a husband and wife, but it could be in any form of, any other form of relationship. You could use these same principles, these same steps to resolve conflicts, okay? Now, even as we've gone going through that, there could be sometimes people or there may be people dealing in their marriages with difficult situations that may not be easily resolved by the two of them. It is good, it is helpful, it is recommended that we get the help of a counselor who's able to work with the both husband and wife as they are helped through this process. Sometimes when the pain or the rejection is really high because of certain situations or certain instances, having a third person to help you and practice this can sometimes be very useful because just dealing with issues like this between two people, between the husband and the wife, sometimes you may be following the same patterns of dealing with conflicts wrongly and not seeing any change. So getting the help of a counselor or someone to mediate may be a useful thing. So this next hour, we are going to be looking at the seven steps to resolving conflicts. Now in your books or in your notes, you would have noticed that in these seven steps, there are seven steps there and I think it's put up in a small tabular form, you see the numbers written. So the first three steps is something that you need to do individually before you meet with your spouse to resolve conflicts. So first three steps is something that you do individually and the next four, four to seven is what you engage with your spouse or whoever you're having the conflict with. So let's look at this once again. Remember now these steps are not magical. It's not that I've done all these seven steps but then still there isn't any change. But these are intentional instructions that we see from scripture as well as through practical guidelines in dealing with the conflict. So these are the most helpful steps that you'd see. So let's go through the first three. The first one is to pray and prepare your heart. Now what happens in conflict like we had spoken earlier that in conflict you will feel bitter, you could feel resentful, you could be angry and that space itself keeps you not having our hearts right with God. So if we aren't right with God or if we aren't right in what's going on we will respond from that hurt and from that bitterness. So when there is anger that takes place or when there is a conflict that takes place anger comes about and when we are in a place of deep emotional struggles we may be thinking and doing things that aren't right in the eyes of God. So the first important thing is we will need to get ourselves right with God. And the first step is to pray and prepare your heart. This is going to God in prayer coming to a place of confessing to Him where you're at, what you're feeling. Maybe it's just spending some time just sharing about your hurt, your pain and we see in the Psalms very often David did that just going to God and lamenting lamenting about his struggles, his pain or just pouring out his heart. So we come to a place coming to God in prayer and really confessing what we feel in our hearts. Now when we have come to a place of awareness that what we are going through inside the hurt, the pain, the anger we know that we aren't right we come to a place of cleansing and asking Him to cleanse us of all what is happening within. And we take that step to renounce every ill feeling that we may have towards the person in question whether it be resentment, bitterness, rage anger, upset, retaliation we renounce it and say I want to come to a place where I give up these ill feelings and when you come for cleansing you're coming to see God for His grace and help you have a heart that is pure before you come to the next few steps of four and seven, right because you need to be in a place of releasing your pain, your hurt confessing it to God, asking God to cleanse it and coming to a place of readiness to discuss your issues or the issues that have hurt you so you're coming to Him and asking for one, you're pouring out you're sharing, you're venting you're asking for a cleansing and you're asking for a healing asking the Lord to heal your heart and pain and bring about clarity, right so when we look into scripture we see the psalmist praying this examine me oh God and know my mind test me and discover my thoughts find out if there is any evil in me and guide me in a everlasting way and also the psalm that David prays created me a clean heart oh God and renew a right spirit within me, psalm 51 verse 10 so you're coming to God sharing, going through whatever pain or anger you're feeling so first and foremost is to pray and prepare your heart before you get to the next step of meeting with your with your spouse or whoever is involved now once you've come to a place of confession and praying you also need to be in a place where you're receiving the love of God to release forgiveness and we know that especially in very very difficult situations and circumstances where we're terribly wronged only God can empower us to love and walk in love humanly it is absolutely not possible it's only the spirit of God that fills our heart with his love so that we can extend forgiveness in our own strength in our own ability we all know that isn't possible it is the love that God pours out in our hearts, Romans 5 5, the love that he pours out in our hearts that's done by the power of the Holy Spirit that will help us come to a place of love and forgiveness because when the spirit is within us he's the one who produces the fruit of the spirit one of which is love so when you come to a place of being empowered by God's love by the power of the Holy Spirit and when you walk in that kind of love we are also doing what God wants us to do because when we are there we understand that we can overcome and have victory so the love that is in our hearts that is poured out by the Holy Spirit is what helps us to be patient, to be forgiving to be kind to put aside those difficult emotions and to be able to move forward so you're coming to God to be empowered by him to love and to forgive so what do we do when we are praying when we are praying we are acknowledging that the power and the work of the Holy Spirit is in us and when that is there we can walk in the love of God so no matter what the situation is when we come to God and give praise and rejoice and thank him for that his love is what helps to heal helps us to come to a place of patience and kindness so pray and thank that the Holy Spirit will empower you to walk in the love that is described in 1st Corinthians chapter 30 to 30 because it's only the Holy Spirit that can help you not hash out a whole lot of wrongs and difficulties a record of the wrongs that's been done but brings you to a place of forgiveness and helps you to let go of those hurtful or those wrong things that may have been said or done so the first two to pray and prepare your heart and the second one is to receive the the power of the Holy Spirit to empower you to love and to forgive are there any doubts are there any doubts at this point or any questions nobody? today the class has been extremely quiet I don't know if the lesson is that sobering we'll move to the third one which is so from a place of preparing our hearts having come to a place where we are open and receiving the love of God and releasing forgiveness we're also asking the Lord for wisdom and understanding to resolve the problem so the way that we resolve the problem needs wisdom so that it doesn't move a conflict into a very heated argument so it takes wisdom to know what can be some of the causes or the root causes that have given rise to the problem and where do we get our wisdom from James 1.5 says if any of you lack wisdom what does it say ask you should pray ask him and he will give to you because what he gives is generous and gracious that's what it says he will give graciously and generously to all who ask him so when you need wisdom and understanding to resolve a certain conflict ask in faith knowing that and expecting that God will lead you to the right kind of solution okay we know that the Holy Spirit is the one who gives wisdom he's the spirit of wisdom as I assess that right and he's the one who gives you the way the knowledge the understanding the idea the right solution to address whatever the matter is so one is asking the Holy Spirit the other is to go back to God's word for wisdom God's word is wisdom it helps in anything that we want it gives us instruction for anything in life so in addition to asking the Holy Spirit praying to the Holy Spirit praying and listening to the Holy Spirit we're also looking at the word to help us address some situation okay now when we're looking at wisdom I think at this point of time it's very important to differentiate the wisdom of the world and the wisdom that comes from God okay and I'd like to turn to James chapter 3 verses 14 to 18 and if any one of you can read that James 3 14 to 18 I mean 112 in the hard copies and 111 in the soft copy so would someone kindly unmute and read James 3 14 to 18 but if in your heart you are jealous bitter and selfish don't sin against the truth by boasting of your wisdom such wisdom does not come down from heaven it belongs to the world it is unspiritual and demonic where there is jealousy and selfishness there is also disorder in every kind of evil but the wisdom from above is pure first of all it is also peaceful, gentle and friendly it is full of compassion and produces a harvest of good deeds it is free from prejudice and hypocrisy and goodness is a harvest that is produced from the seeds to peacemakers plant in peace okay thank you so when you look at this this entire scripture passage it gives you a distinction about what is the wisdom of the world and what is the wisdom of God in the wisdom of the world we see that the wisdom of the world is bitter it is selfish and it is jealous that is it is motivated by these three things by these three specific emotions it tends us to be jealous it tends us to be selfish it tends us to be bitter so any wisdom that comes that motivates us to further these emotions we do see that it is sin so this kind and it says this kind of wisdom is unspiritual and it is demonic and so when there is something that is unspiritual and demonic what does it do it opens the door for more of disorder more of evil there is also disorder in every kind of evil so whenever there is jealousy or selfishness you cannot expect anything else to come so it opens the door for further evil and then that means it perpetuates that jealousy that bitterness, that selfishness, that anger it perpetuates it over and over again and then we will come back to maybe we will look at an example so let's say you know a husband or a wife goes to her friends and is talking about the way the husband maybe works late and these are very simple examples not quoting anybody here just a simple example it works late and doesn't have time for the wife so the wisdom that the world can give is if he doesn't have time why don't you also go explore outside why don't you go find ways where you can connect with other people maybe other men or bring back to you he will become jealous and he will bring he will come back now what kind of wisdom is that you see the wisdom is motivated by anger or by selfishness right and it opens the door for more unspiritual demonic work that is now let's say this woman actually goes and does this what happens the husband is not going to say oh my poor wife he is going to come rage with jealousy and anger is going to be further bitterness further violation and further disharmony lot of hurt lot of rejection so you see that this kind of wisdom the world gives is usually motivated by some form of selfishness and and there are huge number of examples that we can bring up here right the wisdom that comes from from from further strife from creating further strife whereas the wisdom of God it says is pure right it is first of all pure it's peaceful gentle friendly full of compassion produces a harvest of good deeds it's free from prejudice and hypocrisy so you see it is pure that is okay so the same example maybe a wise woman or a wise friend will say it's a good thing to go and talk to your husband about it share with him what your concerns are get support get help because it is to you need to rebuild the marriage so you are actually working towards peace working towards gentleness working towards a good deed a harvest of good deeds and working towards being a peacemaker and you're free from prejudice it says it is free from prejudice and hypocrisy meaning you're not coming very biased saying okay you know he doesn't love me he doesn't care for me but you're saying I'm going to do all that I can to share my emotions to share what I'm going through okay so how do you differentiate if you're walking in divine wisdom or especially when you're addressing a conflict if you're walking in divine wisdom or you're in earthly wisdom to know where it is motivated by if it is motivated through selfishness or is it motivated in building peace in purity okay now so even as we are praying you know and this I think is an extremely important thing to understand that the ability to have wisdom comes only from the power of the Holy Spirit and to ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom in your situation on how to resolve a certain matter so to continue to look for him seek him wait for him bring down all your thoughts and your ideas your plans before him and asking him to be Lord over those thoughts and ideas asking him to show you the root cause of those conflicts and to help come to a place of forgiveness and come to a place of being able to resolve that so even as God may be showing you some of these things you may be it may be needed for you to receive it right and that means you're asking God to help you not just forgive but to help you to correct the way certain things that are needed okay now often I see sometimes in marriages what happens is we blame the devil for a problem that we ourselves must work towards but it is true yes the enemy does steal kill and destroy and when we give him a foothold he definitely comes in all out with confusion and strife so it's important for us to really know what door we've opened what way have we opened for the enemy to walk it and cause confusion it is needed that we pronounce repent of what we have allowed the enemy we've given a free hand for the enemy to do and opened some of that so renouncing that repenting of that is a way of of using wisdom to deal with our struggles okay so the first three we spoke about praying preparing your heart receiving God's empowering to love and to forgive and to receive God's wisdom to address the situation okay now before we go to the next next four do you all have any thoughts any comments anything I'd like maybe one or two comments please anybody Jacken been very quiet today any comments any thoughts yeah I'm just thinking of my own like how much especially for me like I keep bottling stuff and then you know I know like I shouldn't be bottling it up and what happens is suddenly one find it's like a pressure cooker and even though sometimes I know like you know these are the things that you're not supposed to do and and that love forgiveness and everything has to be there then especially when it comes to your own loved ones and you expect something and it just happens sometimes but as I as I'm reviewing this class today one thing is so sure that you know God's grace and love is available for us at any point in time and then we realize that and go to him like recently it's all this I'm doing Lord I don't want to speak I don't want to think my way because everything is wrong but I know you can help me so that surrender and submission through years of marriage that I've struggled with is like only that freedom that I've got is only through that you know the prayer that the first step that we that you've shared like getting right with God so many times I'll be like why don't you speak to him God the same sermon Lord that was something the struggle that I had but when I let go of that thought and ask the Lord Lord you help me because I don't have wisdom but you can help me so at that point especially the wisdom of God it has changed my life so much because sometimes I feel the worldly wisdom is not at all wisdom because that's what the people reach and like you know in WhatsApp we get so many things like you know people will he will think that you're a doh mat and all don't allow don't allow speak for yourself but what God says is be humble humble yourself before me so when you're humbling before God then you need to be having that weakness before men so the humble for God just has to show so that's what I personally learning I didn't have the strength to strength or courage to share but thank you for bringing it out thank you thank you so much Jack and I really really appreciate I mean it's not easy for us to share these things but personally and just like you we all go through these struggles it is sometimes can be so hard to when we know and it's even worse because you know that you have to extend grace extend love extend you know it but yet you're in a place that you find it so hard but it is the grace of God that leads us to it and it is it's also a heart of obedience that is a God I'll do it because you want me to do it I don't feel like it I don't understand it but I know this is what you want me to do and yeah thank you so much for sharing that so thank you okay so let's move to the fourth fifth sixth and seventh step and these are more practical steps at least the first two are more practical steps to understand what can you do to address now if you look at all the steps the first three steps are actually easy why because it's just you and the Lord it's just you and the Lord in conversation very easy to talk to talk to God but it is challenging to discuss and address the matter which means you're going to be asking your spouse to sit with you to maybe you have to take the initiative to say you know I've thought about what happened and I'd like to come and discuss it with you right so you may face total rejection and say no I don't want to talk about anything anymore so that then the hurt comes back all over again this can be yes the most challenging step but nevertheless it's something that we need to do okay and often one way some of the things that we can consider or we should keep in mind is one prepare ourselves you know yes that preparation has happened we prepared ourselves this far we're also being intentional we are setting we set a time we set a place where you're inviting your spouse to discuss something with you okay finding that place and that time where you can actually do this together okay and as we had spoken about how do you engage with something maturely is to address one issue at a time so think about okay this is one issue maybe the way that he spoke to me or she spoke to me in front of everyone that is the one issue that I want to be addressed rather than thinking of okay I want to address this one so that some 25 problems comes it is important to just address one issue at a time okay some practical ways of dealing with it is coming to a place of talking about the issue so you're actually bringing the issue and discussing what you felt about it and you will see this in points I may not be going chronologically you can take time to read it but often when we are trying to address the problem we may not notice we may say I've said it so nicely I've said it so kindly but often the words we use can definitely not say that right so I may want to say like maybe the situation is maybe my spouse said something rude or said something to me in front of other people okay so I may say it in a very nice way you know I just wanted to share that you said this yesterday maybe you say it in a low tone account voice nevertheless the words that you may not help you know you said this you called me this name in front of my parents what do you think you would have thought of me you know you've done this to three times before and it's not a very nice thing to do right so this usually when you have sentences that have a lot of you in it it definitely leads to a defense okay so changing your language and sharing about where you're at what do you feel because of the incident so so to turn it around you'd say something like you know I felt hurt when yesterday we were all having dinner together there was a mention about something I've done in the past and it made me feel alone because everyone after hearing that laughed about it and I felt really rejected I felt alone I felt I was I didn't sense your support there so I'm sharing taking responsibility about what I'm feeling rather than sounding accusatory by saying you didn't do this you did that you did this you did this and this and this and this rather than I said I felt like this when this happened I felt bad I felt insulted when all the people over here laughed about something mentioned so taking the time to discuss what you're feeling now once you have spoken allowing the other person also to share what they have thought we often cut the other and don't give space to hear so often we listen to answer we don't listen to understand so that's important and even as we're speaking we're avoiding judging criticizing blaming attacking we're avoiding bringing up those you know those things over and over again so what are we looking at is to make the conversation absolutely honest so you're focused on talking about your feelings your thoughts your impressions so starting those discussions in that way another thing that you do when you're talking about a discussion is look at the good things that has happened so far in our relationship I've seen that you know this is really nice I really appreciate this of you this is wonderful I really feel like this but I wanted to bring up this one thing so bringing about the positives or the good things first before we talk about something negative helps and once that is when you know you're kind of giving examples or I've spoken about this then coming together to brainstorm certain different solutions to this specific problem your brainstorming alternatives to that and then you evaluating it together and finding out what is the best alternate now this can take time it's not that it's done in one sitting especially depending on the matter it can take very many different points of time till you come some of the discussions may be much more easier so discussions need to be done even though they're not easy it is something that needs to be done sometimes these discussions often cannot be sometimes can't be done just by the two people because there's so much of emotions that rising so actually getting the help of someone else really matters so lovingly discussing the matter the fifth one is to be able to resolve the matter within peace resolving the matter in peace okay in whatever situation or conflict we are attempting to resolve we're looking and doing so with a heart of peace what we're doing is we are being a peacemaker and we are being a peacekeeper so there are relationships the relationships that break with us can sometimes affect our own relationship with God so when we continue to walk when we walk in that place of love and forgiveness and peace it also works in a way in our relationship with God so whenever we are resolving a matter we're keeping this in mind how can I be a peacemaker because being a child of God what can I do to be a peacemaker what can I do to be a peacekeeper now this doesn't mean when you're saying peacemaker this doesn't mean you do not resolve issues and if I say this it's going to cause a trouble so it's best to be a peacekeeper and not say anything about that it's to working towards peace and unity by actually discussing and the matter so what you're doing so what that also means is to be able to humble ourselves to accept what I may have done which is the wrong and make changes in the way that I am doing certain things so when you do certain things it is what brings a lot of peace and confidence so flip side if you feel you have been wronged it is seeking the power what I'm doing is not holding on to something without without forgiving so when when you are in a place of forgiveness or when you're willing to forgive you're also attempting to resolve something in peace and that's one way to resolve a matter in peace is to be able to give and receive that forgiveness we remember this and just like it's written in scripture forgive as forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you so just as you and I have received forgiveness from the Lord we are also giving forth that forgiveness to one another so we're not just accepting what we have done wrong we are acknowledging what is wrong we apologize for what we've done wrong and recognize that whatever we've done has caused hurt and pain to the person and asking them for that forgiveness okay so when you have and this happens two ways okay it's just not one way it's something that happens both ways where both both husband and the wife seeks that forgiveness now once you have made a commitment to forgive you have made the you've come to a place of willingness to forgive you're not holding a grudge of bitterness towards your spouse about that matter what what is forgiveness means is to give up is to let go is to release that the hurt that has been caused the emotions that's been caused or any kind of anger towards the person right so it is releasing all of that that that may have bought about pain so when you're giving forgiveness what you're also doing is you're making a deliberate intentional choice that you will not repeat some offense that either you said or you did towards your spouse okay when you're choosing to let go of the past you're also choosing to not repeat a certain wrong that you've probably done when you've come to a place of confession okay the last one is to be able to release a blessing now when you're releasing a blessing the first thing you do is you need to release the past you need to release whatever has happened so you're making that choice to let go of the past that's happened and you are choosing to release blessing over your spouse so when you're paying back with a blessing what are you doing you are leaving back any form of evil as it says in first Peter chapter 3 verse 9 do not pay back evil with evil or cursing with cursing instead pay back with a blessing because a blessing is what God promised to give you when he called you so you're giving up all thoughts of evil all thoughts of anger maybe even any way that you can take revenge you're conquering all of that by releasing a blessing now releasing a blessing also means thinking thoughts of blessing where those negative thoughts come up or when you remember either the things that have been said or things that have been done the negative thoughts to come up so you're choosing to cast down those thoughts to bring down those thoughts and reminding yourself to walk in that forgiveness in the love that God has put in your heart reminding yourself that you are here to follow peace to bring about forgiveness you are here to release that forgiveness so when you make up your mind not to think about those negative thoughts then you're able God will give you the grace to begin to see your spouse in a different light and thereby release that blessing release that word that word of blessing over them these are the seven steps that we looked into the first three like I said is individual it's pray and preparing your heart it is to receive the power of God to forgive and to love the third is for wisdom the wisdom of God to deal with the situation the fourth is to discuss the matter coming forth discussing the matter the fifth is to do so in peace sixth is to for forgiveness and the seventh is to release the blessing now it's often always better to keep strife out of any home when because whenever there is a lot of anger a lot of quarreling the home becomes a place for the enemy to dwell so it becomes difficult when there is strife it becomes very difficult there is no peace at home everybody's health mental health physical experience of their homes are affected and also it opens the door for the enemy so it's important to live without strife and the best thing to do is follow the example for follow what God has in his word for us because it says in Proverbs it says with understanding in wisdom a home is built that wisdom and understanding comes from the word of God keeping our lives in the word of God keeps strife and keeps difficulties away from us alright I've come to the end of that lesson is there any thoughts any questions any comments if you would like to bring up before we end nothing then let's just close with the word of prayer Jack in may I request you to kindly close with the word of prayer please yeah sure Father God thank you Lord thank you for this time Lord God Father even at this time Lord God as you have taught us Lord God help each of us Lord God to use what you have taught us Lord God during times of conflict Lord God Father we commit each of us in your hands Lord God Father your words each to us it's correct it corrects us reduce us Lord and it strengthens and empowers us to live a peaceful life with everyone Lord Father you called us as your children to be peace makers help each of us Lord wherever that we are Lord especially our homes Lord God to store peace into our lives and to the lives of those around us Lord God so that we will be able to quickly forgive Lord God and come to reconciliation with you because you love us so much Lord God and you keep on loving us you do not count on our sins Father God and you don't keep out of our wrongs Lord help each of us Lord to diligently Lord to seek you Father with all our heart to love you Jesus Jesus my team at this name be Amen Thank you just have a I just have announcement your first assessment will be put up the online students your first assessment will be put up by tonight please engine you will have a week to complete it please ensure that you complete it because without that you will not be able to it will affect your grades okay so the first assessment will be put up for the online students for the e-learning students it's already it will be put up by five o'clock today so please ensure that you complete your grade one assessment your first assessment so that you will have your certificate barring that you may not get a certificate okay simple multiple choice questions very very very simple and it the portions are from where we started to last weeks class last week's lecture on communication it is still there that the paper has been set okay so kindly ensure that you do it and yeah please attempt that for the for the online students it will be put up by this evening so you have a week to do that anytime in the next one week you can get it done alright thank you all so much God bless your week we will meet again next Thursday God bless thank you