 So today we're gonna talk about seven powerful ways to emotionally detach from a man. Okay, we're gonna talk about detaching. So why do we need to talk about this? Because let's face it, endings of a relationship can be incredibly harsh. It could be incredibly emotionally draining. It could even be heartbreaking when you've gone through the ending of a relationship. And so learning to detach from a treasured relationship is a skill, is actually a skill that very few of us were ever taught. Now, given that there's a high probability of relationships ending rather than succeeding, I've been examining my own four most significant relationships and I'm gonna repeat that because I know that doesn't sound very attractive but there's a high probability that a relationship will end versus succeed. Think of how many people throughout history have gotten married. They fell in love with each other and yet they went through a divorce. I mean, statistically they say that's around 50%, but when you add in second and third marriages it's more like 65 to 70%. And I suspect even those 50% that didn't get divorced, half of those people aren't happy. So when I think of a successful relationship I'm talking about a relationship where people are happy. So given we have a greater chance of it ending, learning this skill to detach from a treasured relationship is something I think we all have to address. And if you haven't addressed it before we're gonna get into it today. Now I just shared with you about my own four most significant relationships. My first one was my college girlfriend lasted two and a half years. And quite frankly, I had my thumb up my ass at that point in my life. I had no clue who I was as a person. So when that relationship ended because it didn't seem like the person I wanted to marry I ended it without much recourse from my end. I don't know what it felt like from her end when it ended, but I suspect at a very young age she was a bit heartbroken. But I don't think it ruined her life because she eventually got married to somebody else. And then I met a woman in my mid to late twenties and I got married for the first time and we were married for 12 and a half, 13 years before that relationship ended. And quite frankly, I still had my thumb up my ass. What I mean by that statement I was rather clueless as to what it took to be a good husband, to be a good father. I was very self-centric at that point in my life. I was very hyper-focused on being the provider protector. Hence I wasn't truly present in the relationship. And to some degree that was the beginning of the, the beginning of the end of our relationship happened two years after we got married but it took 10 years to figure that out. So then I am now divorced. And now why am I bringing this up because a significant percentage of men that you might be dating in midlife are most likely divorced roughly about 75% of singles who are in midlife are most likely divorced. And what happens with divorce is an advice I've said this on multiple videos it's the unraveling of the tapestry of a life you had with another human. And oftentimes this can leave us in a very precarious position both on an emotional level on a physical level and certainly a financial level. And on around the time I went through a divorce I was also going through challenges in my professional life. I was going, challenge is in my identity. Now why I'm bringing this up is this is significant this is significant for men who are in midlife. There's a reason why it's called midlife crisis. It's where the blueprint of where we thought our life was gonna be like collides with our reality. It collides with our reality. So many men experience this. And by the way women experience this as well everything I'm about to share with you today I'm inviting men to listen to this I'm inviting women to listen to this. Now why am I bringing up my marriage because it led to my next relationship. And I was such a broken man by the time I met this next relationship and while she helped reparent me and to some degree I helped reparent her there was a mutual benefit to one another for being in relationship we still didn't work out. Okay, why am I bringing this up? Three relationships significant relationships they lasted over a year and yet they didn't work out the odds are that you're gonna have more for lack of a better word endings or failures I don't wanna call them failures but we oftentimes see the ending of a relationship as a failure it's simply as an ending but that leads me into my most significant relationship and if you've been following my channel for a while you know this relationship and this one stung this one hurt this ending really hurt and the tools I'm about to share in a few minutes these seven powerful ways to emotionally detach is what I've applied in my own life to get to a place of where I'd like to think I'm relatively complete over the ending and I detached from this person reason why this was harder though for me and I don't know if you can relate to this for the first time in my life I was actually all in at least as far as I've ever been before in my life I was all in I thought this person was the one I was gonna go the distance with and while we did a conscious uncoupling and it makes sense why the relationship ended it makes total sense why she wanted to end the relationship and I fully support that choice of her emotionally I was all in all in what does that mean all in that means for good or for bad sickness and health you know all those wedding bow stuff I was in and so there's a certain processing that needs to be done processing the ending and looking towards your future and what I highly recommend is if you're gonna do this process these seven powerful ways to emotionally detach from a man then I invite you to seek a trusted confidant a friend, a therapist or a coach to process the ending of a relationship it's very difficult to do this on one own I highly recommend inviting someone in your life to to help support you in this process of detaching for someone because ultimately and we're gonna talk about this it's not just the detachment it's also the preparation of someone eventually in your life in the future so the first thing powerful way to emotionally detach is to accept the ending to accept the ending many of you are probably familiar with the stages of grief and I think while the stages of grief are denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance I think it's if it's all possible to go straight to acceptance first accept it really understand accept it then go through the other layers now this is difficult and yet when you've mastered your emotions you've mastered your your introspection work I think it's easier to if you go to acceptance first then go through the denial period the anger period the bargaining period well actually I bargaining in the sense of not bargaining with the other person but going through that bargaining of yourself where you go back and revisit the relationship going what if I could have done something different see we oftentimes get stuck in the denial the anger the bargaining or God forbid depression but ultimately to detach you must accept and so I invite everyone to actually if this ever happens for you in the future is sit with the acceptance first then go through all the other emotions now I know I'm this is a radical concept but I'm putting it out there for everyone and that's what actually happened in my relationship I went through acceptance first and then I started to get in denial and I got angry and I bargained and I was feeling depressed and I've come back to acceptance and this is not easy this is easier said than done but I'm putting it out there now let me just share something with you a lot of dating coaches and I've even heard this from other people the best way to detach from another person is to date someone new in fact I was speaking to some men earlier today about this topic and they said oh the best way I detach from someone is sleep with someone new and I said that's bullshit okay and while it might temporarily work where you date someone else if you haven't healed from that relationship in the way I'm about to share it with you you're just going to repeat what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result so this idea of date someone else or sleep with someone else which I'm not recommending for my clientele I just think is a unhealthy way of approaching this but a lot of coaches will tell you this I'm not recommending it okay the second most powerful way assess what needs were actually missing in your relationship assess what needs were actually missing in the relationship now this requires being ninja level introspective is to look at the relationship and not and to recognize that there was most likely some critical needs that were missing in the relationship own that it wasn't a fit own that it wasn't a fit okay if it's not right for one person it's not right for both oh this is part of that acceptance piece but in particular assess what needs were missing in the relationship and ladies and gentlemen you have every right to be in a relationship with someone who wants to actively meet your needs if you're and by the way that's not being needy okay yesterday in my video I mentioned I'm very needy I mean I am a reformed anxious attach your but I recognize when I said I'm needy it's no I have needs in relationship and I have every right to to make requests for those needs you have every right to make a request for your needs particularly women have a a strong need for emotional closeness with a man if he's unable to be emotionally close to you then he's fucking just a roommate that you have sex with at some point is that the kind of relationship you want you're more than welcome to have a traditional type of relationship where it's a roommate you have sex with but I'm here to encourage more partnership based relationship where your needs are actually met I invite you to ask for your needs okay so an assess what needs we're missing and own that it's okay to have those needs number three I invite you to ask yourself what positive things about yourself did you learn in this relationship what positive things about yourself did you learn in this relationship they shared with you my most significant relationship I ended you know what the most positive thing in this relationship I was capable of going all in I wasn't in my three previous relationships I mean to some degree I went all in in marriage but I really wasn't all in emotionally I was all in in that provider protector role okay because that was the role that was taught to me this is the role that's been ingrained by biology and caveman and all that kind of stuff I wasn't really the recipe for relationship success is to be hyper focused on being a provider protector I was missing the emotional aspect of what it means to be in relationship with someone but for the first time in my life I went all in so ask yourself what I'm using me as an example but I invite you to ask yourself what positive things about yourself did you learn in this relationship that's number three number four how have I healed my childhood or adult wounds from this relationship how have I healed my childhood wounds or adult wounds in this relationship you know a moment ago I talked about needs you know what I what I healed in my most significant relationship is I'm not needy even though I jokingly said that in the video the other day I was talking about valid needs and I seek a partner who wants to meet me in those needs just like I want to meet a partner in their needs and so having a need like having a need is absolutely okay as I said before ladies having a need like closeness or reciprocity in relationship is something now in my particular case there were needs and they weren't met okay but I recognize that that was one of the failings of the relationship in this particular case and I suspect there were needs that she had that I wasn't able to meet but healing is the recognition of what what wound did you have going in before the relationship and were you able to heal that wound in other words are you able to express boundaries that's probably one of the most predominant areas of where people I don't want to say fail but they neglect in their life is setting boundaries and my hope is that you have healed that particular piece and that is expressing your needs and wants because what a boundary simply is is what's okay and what's not okay for me according to Brene Brown number five again this is a powerful way to emotionally detach and I highly recommend this is to evaluate what was good about the relationship what was good it's okay to visit the good now some of you might be saying oh my god Jonathan I was in a relationship with a narcissist none of it was good you spent 15 years of a relationship and none of it was good I find that hard to believe I'm inviting everyone to look at what was good but most importantly what are you most grateful for in the relationship it's kind of the questions are two sides of the same one side of the coin and the other side of the coin but when you can actually sit in gratitude and the gratitude might be the positive things you learned about yourself the gratitude might be the healing from your childhood wounds and adult traumas when you can sit in a state of gratitude for this previous relationship no matter how I mean look it if you had to call a doctor an attorney or a policeman I get it it's going to be really hard to find that but not every relationship did you have to call a doctor an attorney or a policeman but fine well what was good and what are you most grateful for number six I want to invite everyone to hold this belief and to remember that there is an awesome future ahead of you there is an awesome future ahead of you there is an awesome future ahead of you remember you have a future and you will find love if you can actually sit in a space okay look I hope it happens I hope it happens I hope it happens okay that's good I believe it will happen I believe it will happen I believe it will happen okay that's better I know it's gonna happen. I know it's gonna happen when it's kind of like build it They will come when you actually sit in a space of knowing That you can actually have Beautiful love in your life in the future That will help you detach from the man when you can actually own that that is an absolute possibility if you Fear a future with anyone else if you don't believe it's gonna happen if you're jaded bitter angry Then you're still giving that other person your power and he or she doesn't deserve your power You have the capacity to dictate your life. This is one of the reasons why ladies I always say you are in charge of your relationship destiny, but Jonathan men are supposed to lead Relationships men are hunters. They're chasers. They're supposed to do all the leading Yeah, if that was so fucking great Why our relationships so damn dysfunctional? Why do you want to give the job to another human being? You are in charge of your relationship destiny. There is an awesome future ahead of you. That is number six and number seven How will you choose your future? How will you choose your future? Are you gonna do it differently? Are you gonna do it consciously? Are you gonna do it intentionally? Are you gonna choose going forward basically vetting for compatibility in the future? Or are you gonna do the old-fashioned way of? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results I'm here to invite everybody to begin vetting people in a more conscious way in a few moments I'm gonna share something personal about this But if you need some support with that check out the link right here do the discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches Right for you. There's links below My whole area of expertise is helping you vet to be more intentional to be more conscious to be at less ambivalent see Most people dating today aren't very serious They're not very serious in their dating capacity Because we've adopted the belief that chemistry equals Relationship success and if that was so fucking true, but Jonathan you just said another dirty word If that was so true Then why do we see so many endings of relationship love? Doesn't seem to be the glue that keeps it together What really keeps a relationship together? shared values shared vision blendable lifestyles and most importantly emotional maturity and relationship skills those are the key components for Relationship success and I'm inviting everyone to do some work in this area So you can choose your future. How will you choose your future as number seven? Because when you can get to this place and I'll be candid with you right since I shared publicly I Feel like I'm just stepping into number seven How am I gonna choose my future? How am I going to approach the process differently? See a lot of dating coaches will tell you to just randomly date go on one date a week Do you know how fucking exhausting that is to talk to you know half a dozen people Weed it down to one go on a date and then not have it work out and then next week Talk to a half a dozen people go on a date and not have that work out and talk to a half a dozen people Narrow it down to one and not go out. Does anyone get my point can do you realize how exhausting that is? Would you rather go out on one date in six months with someone you have an 80% chance of success with or going out on 26 dates and still being single I'm just of the belief that if you do if we do a better job of vetting early on and we get better at choosing We put our odds in our forever in our favor as they said in the hunger games May the odds forever be in your favor. Is this sinking in is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on all this If you like this video, please hit that like button Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well And if you want to connect with me in the show notes and in the first Comment schedule a discovery call with me join my group called midlife love mastery get all the books I recommend I forgot to recommend my book which is right behind me You can see it what the heck a self-love anyway a journey of personal development Self-help and spiritual work all the links below to get the books. I recommend get my dating vows and all that good stuff All right, those who know my format know it's time for Q&A if you have a question Write the word question then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley That's a picture of him right there It's my son who passed away over five years ago in his honor We donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Institute just to name a few and also scholarships to coaching as well again, so Right the purchase by the way our goal today is $50. We'd really appreciate some love so again post the word question there Now speaking of betting or being intentional. I have a personal share with you So about some of you know that I've put myself back on the dating app since my relationship ended Which is now eight months ago roughly eight months ago it ended now be candid with you in eight months I've not gone on one day. I'm Certainly looking at the dating apps. I'm I've communicated with a few people, but I have not gone on one day I'm being this isn't being picky. I'm being selective on who I want to engage with Okay, and by the way ladies I've gone on what feels like ten thousand dates in my life I don't need to go on one date a week to figure this out See the key component For relationship success is know thyself know thyself So why I'm sharing this with you is I want I have a story to tell you So there was this woman on a dating Profile a month and a half ago. I looked at her profile. She looked at mine. I looked at her She looked at mine. I looked at her. She looked at mine. I looked at hers This went on for like three weeks we you could by the way in one of the apps It tells you when exactly they looked at your profile Now the reason why I looked at her profile was I was attracted to the photographs and a couple things that she checked a few boxes But there were three primary boxes. She did not check for me So I decided to write her an email Share sharing with her I said look we've been looking at each other's profiles Let me tell you why I've been you know reluctant to reach out to you And I listed the three areas where I thought primary differences one was politics Two was religion and three was location. And so I wrote out a very detailed email. Okay Very heady very heavy. Okay now what's interesting was She didn't respond one day goes by two goes day four days go by ten days go by she doesn't respond Okay, and I thought ah Jonathan that was too heady too heavy for well She finally responded and said I've given more thought to what you said and I'd like to address what you said And I asked her I said well, let me ask you a question What what made you change your mind to reach out to me? And this is what she wrote. Okay? This is what she wrote First I realized that you were asked what you'd asked are key pillars of anyone's life And you were approaching dating and relationships in a very serious and intentional way I find that most men are not very serious They're kind of flaky and so this totally shocked me. It was unusual Also, the three things that you were exploring especially spirituality and where I live is something I've been recently thinking about a lot In a very unexpected way you summarize things that were important to me And she goes on to say my point is is At least I got her to think whether it's gonna something's gonna happen of this or not I don't know yet, but I mean that by the way, this just happened literally in the last 48 hours Well, I'm sharing this with you know thyself and Who's really a fit in your life and for me? Personal development is like one of the highest things on my list spirituality is one of the highest things on my list a person that has Political ideologies far right or far left. I just it's like I don't want to be in relationship with that person That's like sandpaper to me. That's like fingernails on a chalkboard. It's just that's where I'm at If you're on one end or the other end, it's better to be with that person. That's meet you at that end By the way, I happen to be in the middle. I can't stand any politician if you want to know where I stand and Certainly location is critically important because I want someone who has the capacity to spend time in a relationship So my point is I know myself and I asked these questions and it was a turnoff for her But isn't it fascinating that she realized eventually the value in those questions that it was actually Demonstrating that unlike all the other men that's hi. How's it going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day Wow, you look pretty you look nice. You look great in that bathing suit. Can I send you my dick pic? You know, I'm actually serious about this and she recognized that and again, that doesn't mean that this is Alignment by any stretch of the means but it's some of the it's in the important stuff to be like I'm aware how I choose is not going to be this haphazardly You know dialing for dollars approach like many of my contemporaries will invite you to do I'm just not a big advocate for that when you know yourself when you truly know yourself Then it's okay to ask those deeper questions only Let me just say this a closed-minded person is turned off by deeper questions But Jonathan I expect to be romance men are supposed to romance me It's supposed to be sexy and romance it should be all about fun It shouldn't be heady in the beginning Folks, you are more than welcome to do it your way. I am not suggesting anything I'm only suggesting what I'm doing for myself You take it to leave it if you want to go back to an old-fashioned way That doesn't seem to be working for 99 out of 100 people anyway. Feel free to do it that way I'm inviting vetting before the honeymoon stage. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know By the way, if anyone wants to join the hot seat I would love to have a conversation with someone. I just posted a link below Really quickly. I want to give some props to Margaret for the $15 super sticker. Thank you for the love. I appreciate it Let's keep going here I want to give beach lover some props for the $10 super sticker That means we're $25 away from our goal of $50 tonight. Is provider protector the man's version of female caregiving? As provider protector the man's version of female caregiving Well, I think to some degree providing protecting is a nurturing You know is another way of nurturing a relationship. Yeah, you know, it's about nurturing the relationship in in in caveman times it was to protect against the Dinosaurs and the neighboring tribes and the providing was hunting for the food and women were caregivers for the children and caregivers to their men So to some degree, I think it is a nurturing function Within the relationship of itself. Yes, I would agree with that But tribal living providing protecting was really more from a tribe base It's very different even though we are instinctually inclined to that It was best served in a tribe now. We're tribes of one or two Kind of hard to be all things To be all that because it puts a lot of pressure. Okay Margaret goes on to say no, Joe Jonathan know thyself ancient wisdom, but so so true. Exactly All right, let's keep going here Thanks for the love cosmic glow-up says slay Jonathan. I'm slaying it. Thank you Gigi's in the house. I connected with someone on millionaire match his online location is Virginia He texted we need to meet I agreed then he said he was in Florida until mid April. Does that sound legit? Actually people that are more affluent often times live in two places this I see frequently People that have multiple homes people up now that it could be a ploy too But I would say to you I would just listen. Here's how I operate in those things Hey, great whenever you're in town, let me know we can talk and we can have coffee Don't get into incessant communication with someone who lives far away Unless you can meet rather quickly So is it legit possibly? But certainly if it's but it could be a waste of your time and I've witnessed this Oh my god, I've witnessed this so much you ladies and men get into these incessant communications with people And then by the time you eventually meet it implodes It's just a clusterfuck because you built what's known as artificial Intimacy with someone and I'm just not a big proponent of that. So thanks for bringing that up Jess 44 wants to remind us. I needed to know someone's political views morals and values first That's my I'm an advocate for that The dating profiles give you by the way again If you see someone's dating profile and there's a misalignment, but you're still interested in the person Ask it up front This woman was turned off by my heavy heady question But she eventually realized the value of it. It's not on her for 35 days. It was sitting in her head Because grown-up dating is so foreign to most human beings grown-up dating You know, it's interesting. I have another Share with all of you in a moment. Um, well, let me get to one this question Do you think that new security selfie video Facebook is doing on dating site? We'll get rid of the scammers and we'll be safer less love bombers They will take it seriously the new security selfie video Facebook is doing I don't know enough about it to really comment on it I'm going to have to do some research, but I'm not fully aware of it. Okay, so just to share that with you Roller girl wants to acknowledge she was awakened by you. Yeah, I feel like I did awaken her Um, which was good Okay, let's keep going. There's somebody's birthday. We're going to wish her a happy birthday. Okay Listen, I want to make a comment with everyone. It's interesting how many dating advice Channels and videos hyper focus on helping you avoid the wrong person. Okay, they're just hyper focused I mean because You know like and basically dump the wrong person. Okay, when you're when you're with the wrong person Dump the wrong person and they spend a lot of time with that. Linda. I'll get to you in a second. Okay But you know, it's fascinating to me very few dating coaches help you avoid the wrong date before you go on the wrong date like How many dating coaches are actually helping you figure out? Who to go on a date with before you like the the right person They know how to tell you who to how to dump the wrong person We're all great at telling you how to dump the wrong person But how many of them really? Help you choose the right person to go on a first date with I just want to sit with that for a moment This is why I'm a big proponent of vetting So you can determine if it even makes sense to see one and then allow chemistry to ignite the relationship Believe it or not e harmony actually has the right idea e harmony is they have critically 200 300 critical questions to determine compatibility when two compatible people meet And they go on a date. They have a greater chance for success Have a greater chance for success than those that are Misaligned and then meet okay All right, linda. We're going to start with you in just a second. So get in front of the screen All right folks. We have someone on the hot seat. Linda is in the house Okay, I hesitated to do this because I'm having a really bad hair day Oh my god Right here before I got on Okay, before you start speaking I have a confession to make I didn't know this was you linda. So folks Three days ago. I was having drinks with a friend of mine at a local Restaurant that had a fire pit outside. We were sitting having a afternoon drink and in walks in linda With a gentleman and I've never met linda before but she states to me and I quote Are you that guy on youtube that talks about dating advice is your name jonathan? I remember yeah, I know you said and is your name jonathan Well, I mean, I think you prefaced it first by saying are you dating relationship coach? And I said yes, that's me And you said I'm on a second date with a man. I met on bumble And so what I proceeded to do is stand up for linda as her big brother I stood up for her as her big brother And I said to is his name robert or richard robert robert. I said dude I'm linda's big brother What what are your intentions with my little sister? There are consequences for bad behavior And then I proceeded to recommend to both of them that they buy the book eight dates by doctors jonathan Right there Yeah, and really quickly from what I understand. He ordered the book. So With that said everybody I got recognized out in public my ego loved it. I'm gonna own I have an ego I'm not a perfect human being by any story Okay, so linda what do you got for us? Okay, I I hope it's okay if I say this, okay Here's my problem in making the right decision Regarding dates because I embarrassed to say how many dates I've been on. I've been on a lot of dates. Okay in the past Anyway, you're in good company. A lot of us have been on well over a hundred. Okay, so Here's the problem. Um, you know, like I don't like to hurt people's feelings some of the things, you know so Like the guy was on the date with is very very nice just super nice Yeah, okay But I tend to be attracted and this may be a flaw in my part. Um To men who are a little masculine, you know, that are, you know Decisive masculine make the plans, you know, take action. That's the thing Problem is a lot of those guys end up being assholes or narcissists, right? Including You know, this guy is very nice But on our first date, he took himself off of the bumble app Okay And he he was like, oh, okay. I'm taking myself off the app You don't expect me to do that You know, I was like that seemed that to me was a red flag It was good that he was ready to commit to just dating me I wasn't ready to commit Can I can I respond to that? Yeah Okay, and I know you have more to share so I want to make sure that you cover all the things. Okay, so Um, I actually believe that's a gigantic green flag, but let me explain why okay So the the idea that it's a red flag is oh, he's overly attached and he barely knows me That's the the perception of the red flag that he's overly attached But he doesn't know me well enough But I want to all offer you an alternate perspective because I do the same thing when I like somebody Okay, I should have mentioned this in my funny ways men like you video yesterday I should have mentioned this it's just occurred to me right now I don't like the distraction of the dating sites Like if I meet someone and I like them I don't want to get that next notification and that next notification and that next notification And then I get tempted into the oh, well, maybe there's someone better Oh, well, you know what this girl's you know, like she lives two miles closer or she's you know, she's you know 10 pounds thinner or whatever. I'm just So I believe that and by the way women do the same thing it's like oh, you know, like you're trying to keep see If you're trying to keep your options open Then you actually aren't giving enough attention To that person in the here and now I I know a lot of Female dating coaches will tell women to date three men at a time. It's called duty dating It's called circular dating keep your options open because you don't want to get attached to the wrong person Well, that's a back ass half ass half backwards way of approaching it If you have a problem getting a drink you getting attached to the wrong person Then stop dating the wrong person. It's dating multiple people isn't going to heal that Right, but I don't have enough information to know yet. I get that but my point is let's come back to his action He said I'm gonna take myself now. He didn't have to tell you this Okay, but he could have still done it now first off. It's bumble. So you would never know that he was off Um, I don't think I think he can deactivate or hide his profile without you knowing about it type of thing Okay, but I'm gonna offer that maybe And now it could be that he's he's overly attached to you But is that really a bad thing ladies? You guys come out when I'm speaking everyone You guys complain about men not being attached enough I'm like, I will take a needy person over an avoidant person every fucking day of the week and twice on sunday Okay, I'd rather have a needy person because you can temper them But it's so fucking hard to get an avoidant person an emotionally unavailable person an emotionally Constipated person to actually open up to their emotions. It's much easier to tame The the the the stallion than to try to get it to move kind of thing. Okay, so that's addressing number one What's number two? Number two is indecisiveness. Okay. Well, here's one of the things I I'm a practicing buddhist 50 years So I have a daily very disciplined practice every day Which I've done a lot of self soul searching on and I have a therapist a consistent therapist. She's pretty good For about four years. Okay I ever since my divorce I've had a therapist and you know, I'm an employee assistance program My job covers most of it. So okay I do have advice. By the way, you're going down a wrong train track. Let's come back to indecisiveness So here's the issue Wrong train track. I just Is something that I've really worked on developing You know, avoid, you know changing that attachment style to a secure attachment style However, what I noticed was um indecisiveness You know, kind of a little lack of masculinity like like, um, you know I I understand and he told here's another thing He told me a lot about his background over the phone dysfunctional father 14 year divorce because of a mean X Father-in-law that was just a brutal attorney And you know, so there's some baggage and everybody at our age comes in with baggage I'm just hoping they come in with a carry on and not a duffel bag And I I expect some baggage. I also look at my time out and now we're getting into a different realm I want to address the indecisiveness or lack of masculinity. So do you want to know the truth about me? I'm a terrible planner. I'm terrible at planning shit. I'm just not good at it. It's just not been my strength I'm just not a good planner, right? Okay And ideally I realized that my ideal woman in my life Is a woman who's a social director So I'm not a good planner and I can be indecisive But if I'm with a good social director, I'm a great follower so so instead of looking at this from the perspective of a weakness Maybe since you're the buddhist you're the you're evolved like you already look like you're a woman by the way You've got the potential of being the social director and he's he's trainable Like that's a blessing not a curse Well, you know in my book tendency is if you don't make a decision, I'm going to step in and make it. Yeah, and by the way It doesn't make me weak or unmasculine. I'm just not good at it Okay Now part of it is is I don't know what you like yet. So to you met him on a second date He doesn't know you well enough when you actually get to know someone after a while You know, they're idiosyncrasies idiosyncrasies. You notice their patterns. You just you can start anticipating But I'm I'm rather apprehensive because I don't know what you like And we men want to please But then when you say well, it's your job to know it, you know, just knowingly take charge. Well We'd like to know what you like Like what do you like you like sushi or Italian, you know things like that, you know, that's not indecisive or lack masculinity That's being considerate That's a better human being. Okay. So now Here's the thing I would at your at our age, let's just say I would I would encourage you to take a gentle man over A rough riding man. Okay, and what I mean to say is, you know, the Do it yourself or can get it done and lift mountains and all that stuff You know, if they're still at that energy state in midlife It's a lot different than a gentle kind man. The man you met the man I met that evening Seemed like a really good man. Okay. Now. I know a good man isn't sexy, but here's how you turn it around Are you open to hearing how to turn it around? Yeah Well, I'm gonna be crude when I say this so don't be offended, but you guys have to fuck Because when you have sex it could change the entire dynamic great sex Will make you see this man in a whole different way Now i'm not suggesting it yet, but I will tell you this now if the sex sucks Then you then you already have your decision right then and there But what it's like the movie the revenge of the nerds, right? Did you see the movie revenge of the nerds? Time ago, yeah, the nerd ended up with the the the best looking cheerleader Okay, because he was great in bed I think great sex can change your perspective Substantially now again, I'm not suggesting get in the bed right away But you know what if you have a good man with a good heart he pays his bills on time He's got his act together. Yes He has some baggage from his past, but if he's willing to own it identify it and work on it That's a blessing too if you share similar values. You have a kind of similar vision in life He's emotionally mature Then I would give that guy a chance even though he may seem a little less masculine than you like Because let's face it the brawny, you know, marlboro man isn't necessarily the best guy Let's put this way james bond is the worst man to be in relationship with Definitely. Yeah. Okay. What else do you have for me? Okay, um, let's see. Um, well, I did accept another date Okay, somebody who's more decisive. Um, have you kissed him yet? The the new date. Oh the the guy Which guy robert wait wait time out. I lost track. So the guy you met the other night Are you seeing him again? Yeah, I'm gonna give it another chance. Okay, but you have a different date with somebody else Okay, um Do you want to talk about that? Uh, yeah, I'm just trying to decide like You know, I I need to like narrow things down and just be more um selective and I think Probably what I need to do just I think you've already answered part of it With the dating situation you were talking about in your own experience Maybe just asking more questions before the day Yeah I might tell me what I'm a big that's what I teach in my private coaching. There's a link right here for everyone to see So my whole philosophy is Know thyself know who you are And what is in alignment for you and then when you see someone's dating profile and you go I'm attracted to photographs. I like this this and this but this one. I'm like, no, that's not my jam Well, then ask more questions about that because it might be that that could be a deal breaker versus a red flag I mean again You know what we described earlier about his dating profile You saw it as a red flag because you saw it one way I offered an alternate way of looking at it as a gigantic green flag. You don't know what it is for me I like to I don't like the distraction Because I have enough time in my life to date one person at a time I I when I say I have enough time in my life There's already a bus coming around. There's a bus that comes by where I live every 15 minutes You know if I miss one, I'll I'll catch the next one and the right person You know is worth devoting at least to me one at a time Have you kissed the man I saw you with? Yes, but not french just a little kiss. Okay. Well, then you need to kiss I mean, that's the precursor to but I I want to encourage you to give him a chance I know he doesn't fit but you know what he seemed like a really good guy Yeah, he's nice But just remember, what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same stupid thing over and over again and expecting a different result Well, we don't have to characterize it as stupid. Okay. We don't want to necessarily self-deprecate ourselves Over again and expecting a different So maybe just like george castanza and seinfeld you're going to do the opposite Of what you want because maybe you'll start achieving what you want in the future Okay All right. Has this been of help? Yeah, actually a lot of help, especially since you actually met the guy so yeah I'm giving him my remember. I said it's a thumbs up. I liked him. I have a good feeling about him Look, he could be a you know, I don't think he's going to be a serial killer. I mean he could be He doesn't seem like a jerk Yeah, but I certainly would if he liked you and you like him or you like him. Listen Was there a little bit of a spark? More on the first date than the second. Okay. Did you feel comfortable around him? Did you feel all right? In other words, do you feel comfortable? Do you feel Like I was intimidating to him, but I I felt that's your projection on your part. What That's a projection. You don't know what he's feeling unless he's told you what he's feeling Did you have fun with him? Yeah Could you see him one more time with a little bit of enthusiasm? Yeah, I can okay. Well then give it another shot. You'd be surprised I've I've known women that like it said he wasn't my type He wasn't my type and they're deeply madly in love and they fuck all the time So by the way, I know I'm offending people with the f board. It's just for effect. Okay All right, linda. Well, thanks for being on I'll let you know. Good luck. Good luck. Thank you. Okay. Bye All right, you know linda just brought up a great conversation for us is that When we find ourselves in a dynamic where we're just not like the guy isn't it. We're not feeling it You know, there's an old adage if you put a frog in a pot boiling pot of water It's going to jump out immediately But if you put a frog in lukewarm water and turn up the heat It'll actually boil And I think relationships to some degree are in that same genre is that if we have just a little bit It's just enough warm enough to keep that frog in the in the water. So to speak And we begin to turn up the heat now just recognize most guys are clueless Okay, most guys are clueless. They're winging it. They're actually rather clueless. Most men don't have game. Okay And what I suspect about this guy, he doesn't have game But that doesn't mean he might not be a fantastic partner And that's why I invite linda give the guy a chance because I I saw him personally when I met him I felt like he was a good guy and I think she should give him a chance So let's hope that she does and we'd like to hear from you linda to keep us posted. Okay Give me a big hug of appreciation. Thanks for jumping on and sharing with us Okay We have time for a few more questions Gigi says we can share he says we can train them. I commit fluoride as well. I don't know what the fluoride is um Let's keep going here. Do we have any questions in the house? Well, you know what folks? um Jess says The zaza is now a bad sign to me lol safety and comfort no spark is what i'm looking for now. You know what so I think that's a great like This is a really tricky aspect of dating When two people have a strong spark, they're more apt more apt to explore a relationship The tricky part is when there's little spark or little to no spark And the question is does that have the potential of taking off because what if gigantic sparks off the charts off the charts sparks Are not really an indicator of relationship success See, I've continually said chemistry and attraction is not the indicator of success success comes with shared values shared vision blendable lifestyles and most importantly emotional maturity So, you know, I don't think spark even of itself again. That's why so long as you felt You felt safe with that person, which means a little bit of spark You feel all right. You feel comfortable. You there's fun and you feel you can have a little bit of enthusiasm That's a little bit that's better than expecting gigantic. That's just my two cents on that Connie wants to know why are so many women attracted to jerks I guess why are so many men attracted to bitches? Okay So if women are attracted to bad boys and jerks, men are attracted to bitches. Why? Because we have childhood wounds or adult traumas And we have not learned how to experience healthy love See Linda in the particular case, you know, she's a buddhist. She's done a lot of work on herself But I wonder if she's ever experienced true healthy love True healthy love is calm You know, it's not the excitement kind of love. It's the you know, it's not the agitation the anxiety true true Successful love is calm You feel comfortable. You feel all right. You feel, you know, limerence. You feel I'm trying to think of a calm Cal was m you feel it feels memorable That's calm comfortable all right comfortable all right limerence and What was the m I just said? memorable That's that's the kind of relationships wouldn't it be great if we could just experience that of course We want to have that spark particularly in the bedroom That's why I said maybe you don't know this guy might look like the nerd on the outside But he just might be the best lover like the revenge of the nerds Anyways, I'm just putting it out there Right someone laurel just posted you cannot Wait, hold on My new dating motto you cannot put a crown on a clown and call him a king You know, you can but you can put a crown on a popper And make him a king and what I mean to say is Sometimes, you know the prince charming Might have seemed like the most did you by the way, have you ever seen the movie happily never after? It's a great story. Happily never after it's where prince charming was an absolute buffoon Was an absolute buffoon and his valet who was a popper a poor person Ends up with cinderella at the end because prince charming could be just a jackass a jerk a buffoon But sometimes that popper that doesn't you know, the poor person in the room Actually might have the greatest chance for relationship success because he actually genuinely cares about you at a heart centered level That's at least what i'm inviting everyone to consider All right Hey, you know what? Did you find value in this conversation? I'd like to hear your thoughts post a comment below I do my best to read them all if you like this video Please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos um Someone says i'm missing a question. Oh by the way check out all the links below to schedule a discovery call with me um I don't see a question Anyway, I Oh trista said On the flip side what you say if he took himself off the dating apps prior to your first date Again, I I don't like to if I'm interested in someone sometimes. I don't even like the distraction before a date Do you know it's like okay? i'm gonna come back to this um It's like crack cocaine. You know the dating apps. Do you know the dating apps? We're designed to keep us addicted It hits it's the dopamine hit. Oh somebody likes me. Oh somebody looked at me somebody checked out my profile It's that dopamine hit and we're addicted to it And so I if i'm gonna meet someone for the first time. I actually like to take a tiny 12 hour break from the dating apps so I can actually be fully attentive and then when the date doesn't work out I go immediately back on the apps But that's just my two cents on that Anyway, uh I hope you got a sense of what I was talking about there folks. I again, I hope you found out in this video Please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and check out and hit that notification bell Also, check out the links to schedule a discovery call with me. Check out my group called midlife love mastery Check out where to get all the books. I recommend check out my dating vows all listed below and in the first comment And we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan barack of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank jess Who says loyalty is very important to man, especially nowadays. I agree with jonathan julie says jonathan too chaotic having a bunch of dates one at a time It certainly feels a lot better to me. I don't feel the need to be talking to 20 women all at once. I so appreciate your insights is what connie says I took myself off before a date way to go All right, I want to thank everyone who donated beach lover and uh, margaret Thank you so much for the love sending you lots of hugs wishing you a super duper wonderful fantastic day Have a great evening. You be well everyone. Bye now