 Hey Abbott. What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood for you listening and laughing pleasure with juggles with a carload and music by Maddie Malnick, so hold on to your chairs folks for a here they are but Abbott and Lou Costello Stop that noise. Oh Why excuse me Abbott I couldn't help it Ladies and gentlemen, this is strictly to the audience Ladies and gentlemen right now we introduce our new special feature on the Abbott and Costello program called start the music To the person that can identify this tune. We will give a beautiful television set now Here's the tune Cut that out and come over here. Where were you this afternoon? Uncle Mike got arrested. He was standing in the front door in his long underwear when they surprised him Why didn't escape through the back door? He couldn't it was buttoned down too tight, right? Never mind your uncle Mike. Who's that letter from that's my uncle Tom. He settled down in Egypt. Now. He's got a hem with 3,000 wives It's great. I can imagine with 3,000 wives. Yeah, he says that every morning when he comes down a breakfast He sings the harem song the harem song. What's that? I? Call everybody darling Not a bunch of idiots in your family. I don't know why I associate with you I've got royal blood in my veins. Oh, you have. Yes, my god. I think upon that's mine. Yes my grand My grandmother went went back to serve water Rolly my grim father my grandmother smokes a pipe, too, you know You know, I gotta leave now, but I got a date with my new girl. She's from Texas She's a real cow girl. She's was all her time with her cattle She eats with the cattle she sleeps with the cattle and practically lives with the cattle Are you going to make love with her? Well, only if the wind is right Remember some real laughs with our zanin stars tonight, but before they continue listen to this It was all the excitement your house last night. Have you come on? It was all the excitement your house last night Well, my uncle I came home loaded and he started an argument with my aunt made she wanted him to stay home And he wanted to go out so he put his foot down. What happened? He went out like a light My aunt made drag them upstairs put him to bed Then some neighbors dropped over to play some cards with that man while they were playing That's when the accident happened what accident somebody hella gin and uncle Mike broke his leg trying to get down the stairs Castelli your uncle Mike is a lazy loafer just like the rest of your family your brother Pat is always hanging out in Hollywood and Vine and Just a second. What do you mean? Just a second? My brother Pat has a right to be on the corner of Hollywood and Vine He's a veteran and he's looking for a house. Wait a minute I wait him and I thought the government built him our house. That's the one he's looking for keeps blowing away Is your brother Pat still going with that ranch's daughter out in the valley Lou? Nope. He's married to her now. Well, well, that's fine after 15 years. He's finally married her. Uh, what got into him buckshot buckshot Buckshot He married it because her father is one of the biggest cattlemen in Nevada Someday she'll own all that cattle. How can you say that Abbott? Does my brother Pat look like the type of guy that would marry a woman for a prime ribs? Castelli why do you always talk like a nincompoop and act like an idiot because I refuse to put on airs Well, never mind that. I noticed you bought a lot of medical books yesterday. What are you doing with them? I'm studying plastic surgery Abbott you a surgeon. You don't know the first thing about surgery Listen you I once operated on a guy took his brain out and put in a bottle of alcohol You took a man's brain out early. Where's he now last november? You got elected to congress You a doctor what proof have you got that you're a doctor just look at the label on the inside of my coat here Quick come on. What does it say hot chapter and mark? I'll read the rest of it the Baltimore and the rest of it What does it say md md. There you are any more questions? Mr. Costello mr. Costello. Oh, who's this guy costella? This is my new chauffeur milton. What is it? I did the shopping just like you told me to I drove all up and down hollywood boulevard Here's a key to your car and a steering wheel The keys and the steering wheel Where is the rest of the car all up and down hollywood boulevard? Why do you let it get it like that drive your car? Well, it is fall Abbott the traffic is getting worse here in california every day next week They're putting in some new traffic laws new traffic laws Yes, every driver in hollywood is going to have to drive with a big steiner beer alongside of him or on the front seat How will that help? Well, everybody knows that two heads are better than one You have plenty of new laws castella now that president truman has gone back to the white house and governor do he's gone back to albany And congress has gone back to sleep Costello you have no right to make fun of our president administration Abbott. I was only kidding when truman was elected I sent him a telegram. No kidding. I did too a congratulations and for christmas I even sent president truman's little dog a flute you sent the president's dog a flute a flute And why not when harry plays the piano, he'll be able to tell whether the pooch is sharp or flat Well boys, did I hear you discussing politics, huh? Let me introduce myself. I'm senator cob from cobblers knob. Glad to meet you boys senator cob from cobblers knob Sounds like a new character coming into the show I don't believe I ever heard of you. You never heard of me I'm the man that put in that great big pipeline The pipeline from california all the way to washington dc To carry oil from the oil field. No, sir This pipeline carried chocolate marshmallow sundaes with whipped cream and hot fudge sauce clear across the country How did it work? Well, it worked fine, but for one little thing And what was that the pipeline busted Missouri and half of st. Louis got gooey You know, I'm glad that senator cob dropped in Abbott Maybe he can help my uncle mike get us an invention patented your uncle mike's got an invention now It does away with all those wet paint signs on freshly painted buildings. How does it work? Well, when somebody starts to touch the paint of voice shells, get waiting there. The paint is wet Don't touch that the paint is wet. Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where does the voice come from? My aunt may she sits on a roof Hello boys. Well, well, it's our lovely secretary Viola von. Oh, yes Viola. You look beautiful tonight Viola. How about you and I stepping out after the show? No, no, you don't have it the oldest going out with me. Oh, well, I hate to disappoint you boys But tonight I'm giving my cat a bath. Well, how about tomorrow night? Tomorrow night. I'm taking my cat to the cat show. How about Saturday night? Oh Saturday night. I'll be busy. What's your cat doing? You know Viola, I got a beautiful cat It's a Persian cat and it's very unusual Every night it sits on a fence and calls to another Persian cat that lives in the next block Well, what's unusual about that? It's a Persian to Persian call Viola, why don't you break your date and go out with Castella? Oh, I can't my date is with Bert Lancaster. Oh, you don't want to go out with him Viola Why not? Well, he'll only take you to some expensive place for dinner down to the macambo down to another expensive place for dancing It will kill your whole evening Castella I like Bert Lancaster. Why? He's young. I'm young. He's romantic. I'm romantic He has big broad shoulders. I got big broad shoulders. He makes $150,000 a year. I got big broad shoulders Castella, how can you compare yourself with a great dramatic star like Bert Lancaster? And besides He's got money to burn. So what everybody's got money to burn these days. It's cheaper than coal. Leave me Castello, tell me what have you got against Bert Lancaster? Oh, he's always putting on a big front He drives three cars. Well, lots of big stars drive three cars, Lou At the same time I just can't wait until I meet Bert. I'm just dying to have him hold me in his arm What's the matter with me holding you in my arms? Viola It looks like you're going to have to make a choice between Castella and Bert Lancaster now Who's it going to be? Well, when a girl has a chance to get a porterhouse steak He wouldn't expect her to settle for a can of strong heart Besides he doesn't love me anyway. What do you mean? Well, Castello had a chance to move into my apartment building and he wouldn't take it That was on account of the lease. They wanted me to sign It said no playing radio in the building after eight o'clock No visitors after nine o'clock and you've got to be in bed by 10. Oh, what's wrong with that? I'm not staying up an extra hour for nobody Oh, so long fatso Now you have done it Castella. You've heard her feelings Well, she's a nice kid Abbott only there's only one thing wrong with her. She's girl crazy girl crazy Yeah, she keeps telling me if I don't find another girl. She'll go crazy. Get them out And there's a lot more mad stuff still to come right now Jane your face to let you hear this Here's ladies and gentlemen the singing star of our show howl winters with Maddie Malmick's orchestra Somebody's lying when she says I don't care So she's not playing fair So she said that I'm untrue You know, I'll never somebody's hoping We'll play waiting and hoping You don't want someone else to say Somebody's lying sweetheart When she says I mean you know, I'll never Break up someday You'll say what someone else is saying Somebody's lying sweetheart Somebody's lying sweetheart Hey Abbott Could I go home a little early tonight? What for? I got a little little work on my sam shovel crime laboratory I'm going to mix some nitroglycerine with hydrochloric acid and tnt and heat the mixture on my stove Dummy if you do that you'll blow the roof off your house tonight Oh, no, I won't what makes you so sure I blew it off last night Costella, why don't you quit the same shovel detective business? You're not spot enough to be a detective You're ignorant illiterate and uneducated. I am not uneducated I went to school and I was smart to have it And I'll never forget the day I was promoted from the third grade to the fourth grade The day you were promoted from the third grade to the fourth grade. Yeah, how can you remember that? Because that morning I was so nervous I had to get my mother to shave me And anyway, I'm not going to quit the sam shovel detective series. All listeners are crazy about it Here's a fan letter I got today and it says dear lucas Dullo As sam shovel detective you are the funniest guy I ever heard when I listen to you I shake the house with laughter last week. I laughed so hard. I thought the ceiling would cave in I've come to the studio to see it tonight Mr. Costello is a man here to see you. What does he look like? I can't tell he's all covered with plaster Never mind him. What's your sam shovel story about tonight, Lou? Well, it's one of my oracle cases Abbott one of my oracle cases I call it the case of the Chinaman who poisoned his own food Or he committed chop suicide Let's go on with the case. Oh, definitely And now the makers of sludge motor oil present the adventures of sam shovel private detective But first a word about our product motorists Have you been changing your oil every month? Switch to sludge when you use sludge motor oil, you will never have to change oil Of course every six months you'll have to get a new car Does your motor ping switch to sludge in a little pond? Then you can sit and watch your motor play ping-pong The next time you buy sludge motor oil fill up with its companion product Naco gasoline and remember friends. Naco gasoline not only contains ethyl it contains maple we know because Mabel fell into one of the vats at the refinery this morning So if you want extra mileage use naco gasoline Listen to what one of our satisfied customers has to say I bought two gallons of naco gasoline before I left Chicago When I got into Los Angeles this morning, I still had two quarts left. Thank you, sir What kind of a car do you drive? Who's got a car? I got a cigarette lighter Thank you, thank you Remember friends naco is the greatest selling gas in the market We've got to sell it in the market that filling stations won't touch it And now to the adventures of sam shovel private detective I'm sam shovel Sam shovel private detective They call me a private eye I can smell a murder a mile away. I can smell a frame up. I can smell anything crooked Private eye They ought to call me private nose I'm sitting here in my little office. I notice a mouse crawling across my office door. It's a church mouse I open a drawer of my desk to check my equipment There's my gun There's my handcuffs There's my binoculars. I'm rad. I got the plans for the secret weapons. Those are my spy glasses I decide to fill out my application for a 1949 california driver's license They're making the test tougher this year to get a license. You have to learn to speak pig latin That's so you can talk to the road hogs in hollywood On my desk, I noticed a picture of one of the cleverest women crooks in the business He was what to please call a top draw thief When I finally caught her she had a garage full of top drawers He was a cute girl, but very shy The first time I saw her she dropped her eyes. I picked them up One was a naggot She had a little turned up nose a real turned up nose every time she sneezed she blew her head off She had a very clever racket She'd make a friend of a guy kiss him and give him a cold Every guy she met she'd give him a kiss and give him a cold I finally arrested her for making friends and influencing people You work hard in this detective racket I always remember my mother's advice She said to me sam if you want to get a job remember the early bird catches the worm I followed that advice for 20 years. I never got a job, but I got about 8 million worms He also gave me my brother pat his advice also He said to him go west young man go west. He followed her advice and drowned He was living in pismo beach at the time Suddenly I see someone coming into the office Hello sam shallow. Hello lieutenant avid pull up a chair and sit down. I'm tired I've been taking care of the mounted cops horses. I've been working in the stables all day Pull up a window and sit down Sam I've been working on a fer robbery case somebody stole a mink coat and a mink coats are hard to identify I'm an expert on furs lieutenant. You know, there's two types of mink male and female mink sam That's a good thing to know. Yes, especially if you happen to be a mink I'll forget about the case sam. Tell me how do you like my new suit? I had to admit to lieutenant avid that he had good taste for clothes Of all the detectives in town avid has the best taste for clothes He can chew up a vest and tell you what kind of gravy is on it Lieutenant avid, why do you always wear that big elk's tooth with a diamond in it? What's wrong with that sam? Lots of men wear a big elk's tooth with a diamond in it In the middle of their upper plate This remark made lieutenant avid smile. I love to see him smile. He only has two teeth But he has the most beautiful set of gums I've ever seen Well sam you've got to admit I'm a self-made man When I was born I was very poor. I had nothing lieutenant avid is right He came into this world empty-handed and he had a head to match Sam I worked hard to get where I am for 20 years I've had my nose to the grindstone Must have been a beaut when you started Never mind that sam we've got to do something about crime in this town. Every day it gets worse Yes I know only last week the girl next door mary brown had her good name ruined mary brown mary brown had her good name ruined how did that happen? She married a guy named hoop and snorter Hello sam shovel private detective speaking Detective sam shovel this is constable smith speaking Constable, I'll be glad to take the case. How do I get to the jones farm from my office? Well, now let me see. Let me see. I'm at jones farm. Oh, yeah You drive out the cuckaboo turnpike to get the schoolhouse turn left cross cover bridge on the county road Now watch yourself and cheer you Why don't I take the road to the left? Oh, no, that's the bad Ain't there a better road than that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well that get me there. Oh, but it's a fine road Constable, I can't work on the case unless I get to the jones farm Uh, that's true. That's true. I'll tell you what you do. Uh, say uh sam shovel, uh, you know when the Yes, uh, tell me something will you? Yes, when are you going to finish that darn thing? Look constable, how do I get to the jones farm? Oh the jones farm. Well, where are you now? I'm in los angeles Fine scully. I just happened to think what? It's murder. Come on. We're going to the jones farm Sam I'll turn in this driveway Lieutenant Abbott, you're a mighty reckless driver. You shouldn't drive that car so fast sam. It's my car I'll drive with that weight. Let it falls apart You've got to be careful what you say in front of these old cars Uh constable, him and I are here to investigate the murder. Who's the victim? Oh farmer jones You'll find the body out down the chicken coop. Well, good luck boys. Well, so he went into the chicken coop I started looking for clues Sam that big rooster looks suspicious to me Look, he's got an axe under his left wing. I'll question him lieutenant Mr. Rooster. Did you kill farmer jones? Yes, I did Well today his son and all those chickens were just dying to have some real southern fried farmer Back to a curtain call in just a few seconds We're trying to tell you this and that sam shovel stuff of yours is getting dopery every week Really want to be a detective. Why don't you go to school and try to learn just a minute Abbott? I happen to be a college man You wouldn't even know what a college you wouldn't even know a college if you saw oh, yes, I would all right What is a college a college is a big stone building covered with vines and surrounded by veterans and trailers I thought so you never went to college and I doubt if our right is it either and talking about our writers are pretty nice guys Our writing staff is headed by pat costello with paul conlon Martin ragaway lennard stern and eddie foreman Our senior is hal winters and our producer is charles vanda and we'll be back with you next thursday night tonight folks Listen each thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and costello show produced and transcribed in hollywood Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this abc station