 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. And now a word of interest to smokers. For years you've heard talk, double talk. Words about noses, words about throats, empty promises. Cigarette advertising is filled with them. Now the smoke screen of double talk is swept away by facts. Not claims, facts. The facts are that Lucky's fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco goes into a cigarette that's made better. That's fully packed, that has no annoying loose ends to spoil the taste. A cigarette that's made better in every way. Yes, the facts are that Lucky's strike by a wide margin is the best made of all five principle brands of cigarettes. Facts proven by a month after month quality comparison based on tests certified to be impartial, fair and identical. And these tests, these facts are verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell, Incorporated of New York City, reports. In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best made of the five major brands. Yes, Lucky's taste better. Always so mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh with better taste in every puff. So prove to yourself the proven facts. Don't be misled by the smoke screen of claims made by other cigarettes. Remember the facts and enjoy really fine, mild, good tasting tobacco in the cigarette that tops all five principle brands for quality. The cigarette that tastes better. Lucky Strike. Try a carton today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Bitty with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Denver State, the sportsman, Port Kat, and yours truly, Donald. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go down to a local department store where Jack and Mary have gone to do their Christmas shopping. Gosh, Mary, no matter how early you do your Christmas shopping, the stores are always crowded. Yeah. Now, let's see. I have to get a present for my producer, my sound effects man, my engineer, my script girl. By the way, Jack, what are you giving your four riders? My four riders? Oh, something they can really use. What's that? A fifth rider. Now, Mary, I know what to get everybody in the cast, but Don Wilson, have you any suggestions? Well, a jewelry counter is over there. Why don't you get him a nice pair of cufflinks? Say, that's a good idea. Come on, Mary. Here we are. Yes, sir. What can I do for you? I like to see some cufflinks. Well, we have a large variety. All these you see here are $1.98. $1.98? Yes, sir. Jack, here's some better looking cufflinks in this case. Oh, yes. I think Don would like this pair. They're solid gold. Gold? Uh, how much are they? $40. $40? The cheap ones turn green. He sure did, didn't he? Look, Jack, Don has been with you 18 years. It's about time you got him something nice. You know, Mary, you're right. I'm going to get Don these gold cufflinks. He deserves it. Mr. I'll take these $40 cufflinks. Yes, sir. Does that include the engraving? Yes, yes. We do it right here. It only takes a few minutes. Good. Now, clerk, these cufflinks are for a friend of mine named Don Wilson. So put a D on one cufflink and a W on the other. Yes, sir. Have them give wrap and see that Mr. Wilson gets it before Christmas. A CBS Hollywood. Yes, sir. Come on, Mary, let's go to the sporting goods section. I want to pick out something for Phil. Wait a minute, Jack. I want to stop at the hosier counter first. OK. May I help you? Yes, I'd like to see some nylons, please. Surely. Are they for yourself? No, they're for my sister. Oh, you're buying something for Babe? Yes. What size? Sixteen and a half. I beg your pardon. What size stocking did you say? Sixteen and a half. Madam, the boxes don't come that big. Mary, maybe you made a mistake. Babe's feet can't be that large. Yes, they are, Jack. That's why she's in such demand during the great crashing season. Oh, well, Mary, why don't you get her present later? I like to finish my shopping first. Just a minute, Jack. As long as we're here at the stocking counter, I want to buy a pair for myself. Mary, you don't have to buy stockings. I was going to give you some for Christmas. I'll buy my own. I wore the stockings you gave me last year and everybody thought I was a nurse. Well, how do I know what kind you want? Now, hurry up, Mary, because I want to pick out something for Phil. Can I help you, young man? Huh? I said, can I help you? Oh, are you a clerk? Just for the Christmas rush. I'm really Glenn McCarthy and I'm only working here to pay my income tax. Well, gee, I'd like to get something for my parents. Your mother and father, eh? Yeah, how did you know? Oh, I just figured it out. Well, I think I'll get my mother a new corset. Don't you think she should come down and pick out her own corset? Oh, mother hasn't left the house for three days. Was she sick? No, the string broke on her old one and she can't get through the door. Well, that's too bad. Yeah, we were spending a quiet evening at home and all of a sudden, boy, and steel stays flew in all directions. Oh, my goodness. Was anybody hurt? No, but my father got pinned to the wall. Well, anyway, wrap up that size 44 corset and I'll take it with me. Yes, sir. Now, let's see, Mary, the sporting goods counter should be... Hello, Mr. Beanie! Wow! Oh, Mr. Kitzel. I see the U-Time is catching up with you. You too, Ms. Livingstone? Yes. Are you doing your Christmas shopping, Mr. Kitzel? Ooh-hoo-hoo! I'm a busy boy. Look at these armful of bundles. Ooh, the things I am buying. For my wife, I'm getting a house coat and for my nephew, I'm getting some electric trains. Oh, Lionel? No, his name is Sam. Oh. Well, excuse me, Mr. Beanie. I got to run over to the liquor department and buy a present for my brother. I'm going to get him some of that very expensive imported brandy. Napoleon? No, his name is Lionel. Well, good to see you. Goodbye, Mr. Beanie. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel and Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Mr. Kitzel. Same to you. You better not pout. You better not try. Better watch out. I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town. Now, let's see. Where was I going? Jack, you better get Phil's present. I think the sporting goods is over here. Yeah, we'll go over and... Oh, just a minute, Mary. What's the matter? I've been thinking about Don's gift. I'm afraid I had it engraved wrong. I'm going back to the jewelry department. Come on. Well, clerk, clerk. Yes, sir? Remember me? I bought a $40 pair of gold cufflinks here a few minutes ago, and I'd like to change the engraving. But, mister, I've already got it wrapped with ribbon and pencil and everything. I'm sorry, but I want you to change the engraving so you'll have to open it up. But, mister... Now, please, I'm a customer here. I'll open it up. Okay. Now, what do you want? Well, the way it is now, there's a D on one cufflink and a W on the other. I'd like you to put both initials on each one of them. Okay, I'll go fix it. Jack, that's ridiculous. What's wrong with the way it was? Well, with Don Wilson, it's the only sensible thing to do. See, when Don wears them, people will see the D on one cufflink and they'll be curious to see what's on the other one. And I want to save them that long walk. Now, clerk, wrap it nicely with the tinsel and the ribbon. I'll wrap it. I'll wrap it. Come on, Mary. Now we can go to the sporting goods department. Now, here we are. Gee, they sure have a nice assortment of guns and hunting equipment, Jack. Yes, I think I should be able to get something for Phil here. Oh, clerk, clerk. Well, you're back again this year. Would you mind helping me? Certainly, across which aisle? Don't be so smart. Jack, don't start an argument with him. Just buy Phil's presents. Look, I came here to get something for a friend of mine. Now, he's the rugged type. Well, there's always camping equipment. Does he sleep outdoors, ma? Yeah, sometimes right in front of his house. Gee, I don't know what to get him. Well, while you're making up your little mind, I'll wait on another customer. Okay, do you mind if I fool around with this gun? Go right ahead. It's loaded. Gosh, you know, Mary, it's hard to buy something for Phil. Um, maybe like this fishing rod. Yeah, say that might be nice. Oh, clerk. Just a minute. I have other customers. Yes, sir. I'll wait. That'll be $8.76, madam. Gee. Have you decided on that tennis racket, young man? Good. That'll be $12.75. Finally got your nose caught in it. Never mind. Just give me that fishing rod. Now, wrap it up and I'll call for it later. Come on, Mary. Well, don't say anything. Here comes Phil now. Hiya, Jackson. I... Hello, Livia. Little fugitive from the dog counter. Hello, Phil. You're certainly carrying a lot of packages. Yeah, been shopping all day. Got presents for everybody. How about you two? Well, I'm nearly finished with my shopping. Five bucks is almost gone, huh? Phil, for your information, I just spent $40 on Don Wilson. What'd you do? Taking the lunch? No, I... Look out, Phil. One of your packages is slipping. Yeah, yeah. There it goes. Darn it. Now I got to get Remly another present. Mary, let's move away. I'm getting dizzy. See you later, Phil. So long, kid. Goodbye, Phil. Hi, Phil. Come on, Mary. I still have to buy something for my sister Florence. Oh, Jack, look. They're Santa Claus. Yeah, look at him with his red suit and white beard. Jack, he's coming toward us. I'm going to talk to him. Hello, Santa. Hiya, bud. Long time, no see. Come on, Mary. Let's get away from here. Yes, yes. That's the tout I always see at the racetrack. Imagine them of all people being Santa Claus. Let's see. I think I might get something for my sister. Oh, Jack, Jack. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Don. Oh, hello, Mary. Oh, gee. What trouble I'm having in this store. I didn't have such a big stomach. Why? Well, it seems there's a piano missing and they've searched me three times. Oh, it's your old fault, Don. You should die at once in a while. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, say, Jack, I'm glad I bumped into you. Do you think our sponsor would appreciate an unusual gift like this? Don, what's so unusual about that? It's just a clock. Oh, no, no, Mary. It's not just a clock. It's a syncopated clock. A syncopated clock? Yeah, I'll show you how it works. Wait till I wind it up. It works all right, but not exactly quite. Instead of going tick, tock, tick, the crazy clock goes tock, tock. Experts come to here and see, but none of them can solve the mystery. They call professor Einstein, too. He said, there's nothing I can do. The man who made it rave and rave, because nobody could say. Why this silly clock behave the hickory dickory way? It has a syncopated tick. It's any river really kind of slick. It has a beat that we all like. A steel-upy, lucky strike. Round and firm and totally packed. Lucky strike the smoke. Darn it, it's running down. I'll wind it up again. Don, that's a wonderful gift, and I'm sure the sponsor will be crazy about it. I thought you'd like it. But, Jack, when I send it to him, should I sign the card just Don or be more formal and sign my full name, Donald Harlow Wilson? Donald Harlow Wilson? Oh, you know him well enough to sign it, Don. Now, I guess so. Well, I gotta run long now. I gotta get a present for my wife, so long. So long. Say, Mary, did you hear that? What? Don's got a middle name, Harlow. I didn't know that. So what? So what? Mary, his cufflinks. Don would never forgive me if I left out as a middle initial. Jack, you mean you're going... I'll be back in a minute. I'm gonna get that engraving changed. Oh, Clerk, Clerk. Yes, sir. What can I... Oh, it's you again. I've got a... I've got a slight change for you in that engraving. Oh, no. No, no. Oh, it's your body gift. Then I engrave the gift. Then I wrap the gift. Then you change your mind about the engraving. Then I unwrap the gift. Then I re-engrave the gift. Then I wrap the gift. Now you want me to change the engraving again? Well, never mind. I just unwrap the gift. I've already sent it down to the delivery department. Well, you'll just have to go down there and get it. What was wrong with it? There was nothing wrong with it. It's just that I'd like to add some more engraving. More engraving? Look, mister, that ain't a tombstone. It's a cufflink. Oh, I know. I want to add his a Mitchell... His middle a... His middle initial, H. Now go get my package. All right, all right. I'll get it. I'll get it. What an eccentric character. Well, Mary, that takes care of that. Well, thank heaven. Now let's finish your shopping. Say, Mary, what do you think I ought to get for my sister Florence? Well, I don't know. A lingerie might be nice. Yeah. Say, that sounds pretty good. Oh, look, Jack. There's Rochester doing his Christmas shopping, too. Yeah. I want to see what he's getting. Can I do anything for you? Yeah, I'm looking for a Christmas present for my boss. Your boss, eh? Well, would you like something in a necktie? I don't know. That might be all right. Well, what kind would you like? What kind of a man is your boss? Well, he ain't exactly the vigorous type like Harold Flynn. And he... He ain't exactly quite like Gary Cooper. Then again, he ain't exactly bashful like Jimmy Stewart. And on the other hand, he ain't the aggressive type like Humphrey Bogard. Well, what type is he? I don't know what he is. I just know what he ain't. Hmm. Well, here's a nice necktie that will fit any type of man. And it's only $3.50. $3.50? That isn't too much to spend on a present for your employer. Oh, it isn't that I don't want to spend the money, but I just can't afford it. He doesn't pay me much. Oh. Well, then here's a nice tie for $0.79. How much down? How do you like that? I really don't know what to get him. Let me ask you something. What does your boss usually give you for Christmas? Well. Well, what? Well, last year he gave me $5,000. He gave you $5,000? That's hard to believe. You wouldn't believe the truth either. Come on, Mary, let's go. Oh, Mary, I just thought of something about Don's cufflinks. Not again. Come with me. It'll only take a minute. Oh, clerk. Clerk. Here's the package. I got it up from the delivery room. And I added the extra initial. Oh, that's too bad. I want to change the cufflinks. What? Instead of the $40 ones, I'll take the ones that cost $1.98. He was such a young fellow. Well, I'll take the $1.98 cufflinks and put the money in his hand. Come on, Mary, let's go. Jack. If you're going to buy lingerie for your sister Florence, I know just the kind that... Mary, look. Where? In the toy department. There's a little boy climbing up on Santa Claus' lap. Oh, yes. Let's listen. Hiya, sonny. Hello. Hello, Santa Claus. What would you like Saint Nick to bring you for Christmas? I'd like a toy. What kind? A bicycle. Uh-uh. Get a fire truck. Bicycle. Bicycle hasn't got a chance. Bicycle tires is the worst choice you could make. What? Roller skates are no good in the mud. Well, in that case, I know what I'll do. What? Come here, man. A high-powered BB gun. It's a long shot. Okay, good luck, sonny, and Merry Christmas. You know, Mary, if I didn't see that, I wouldn't believe it. Well, come on, Jack. Let's buy your sister's present and go home. Okay. Well, here's the lingerie counter. Yeah. Pardon me, but would you mind waiting on us? Why not? Your money's as good as anybody's. Well, could you show me something in silk lingerie? Certainly. What's your size? Well, they're not for me. They're for a sister, size 34. Okay. Here's a whole box of them. Will you lay the lingerie out for us, please? Just a minute till I put my gloves on. Gloves? Touching that stuff with me bare hands makes me a nervous wreck. What? Especially the black one. Look, mister, we haven't got all day. Show us something in a size 34. Okay. Here's a nice little garment. A genuine pure silk nightie. Gee, that's awfully pretty. I think this would be very... Wait a minute, mister. What are all these little loops on the bottom of the nightgown? The loops? Yeah, the loops. Yes, what are the loops for? When you go to bed, you'll hook them over your toes so the nightgown won't creep up on you. A gift wrap it and send it to my house. Yes, sir. Jack, here comes Don again. Oh, hello, Don. Have you bought your wife's present yet? Yeah, I've finished all my shopping. I even bought something for the man who collects our garbage. Oh, oh, what'd you buy him? $40 cufflinks. Don, $40 cufflinks for a man who just collects your garbage? Jack, the only others they had were $1.98, and I wouldn't give them to a dog. Barking, brother, and Merry Christmas. That must fight old... Ladies and gentlemen, industry can produce the bombers and munitions, but only you can give the blood that is needed so badly. Make that appointment today. Call your local blood bank in the Los Angeles area. The telephone number is Dunkirk 4-5261. Thank you. Back with your back until some moment, but first... Lucky's Taste Better. Yes, there's better taste in Lucky Strike because Lucky's fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco goes into the cigarette that tops all five principle brands for quality. Lucky Strike. These are not just claims. They are facts that prove Lucky's are made better in every way. Facts verified by leading laboratory consultants. One of these, Frolling and Robertson of Richmond, Virginia reports, it is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. So don't be misled by the smoke screen of claims and empty promises made by other cigarettes. Remember the proven facts of Lucky Strike quality. Enjoy the mild, rich taste of fine tobacco in the cigarette that smokes smoother because it's made better. The cigarette that tastes better. Lucky Strike. You'll prove it yourself by trying a carton of Lucky's today. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste. Be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike today. Well, Mary, I've done all my Christmas shopping. I guess we can go home. Yeah, come on, let's... Well, Mr. Beanie, imagine running into you again. Mr. Kitzel, I thought you finished your Christmas shopping. Well, I had to come back. I forgot to get a present for my boss. I'm buying him a cigarette lighter. Ronson? No, his name is Shapiro. Well, good night, folks. This is John Robson reminding you to listen to your hip parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station. Stay tuned for the Amos and Andy Show, which follows immediately. The Jackmoney program is heard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. This is the CBS Radio Network.