 So I am outside today is Friday October 13th, and I just wanted to Take a break from my work inside and come outside and Do a little grounding, you know eat my fruits and just sit still But then I remembered that I remembered that I didn't record a Therapy Thursday video yesterday after my therapy session and I did mean to even though I did decide that I'm not gonna Do it weekly anymore. I Something did come up in therapy yesterday that I wanted to share So I said let me take this moment to record a quick video. Let me set up my camera so that I'm not sitting here holding it That's perfect. Oh, let me show you on my shirt It says strong women raise strong children I was just thinking right and a lot of times We are going through something What are we're feeling sad? Anxious overwhelm just unproductive Unmotivated or maybe we're just like extra happy very energetic Feeling like we could conquer the world like whatever emotions we're feeling Sometimes we don't even know why we're feeling like that in the moment and A lot of times all we need to do is tap in to nature and tap into the universe and everything will make sense Because we are of nature. We are connected to nature and the different seasons the different phases of the moon Just the different things that goes on around us in nature Will answer your question as to why you're feeling what you're feeling or why you're going through something in that moment So a lot of times When we're searching for answers all we need to do is tap in so I've been Being more conscious of that tapping in for myself just for clarity for over standing for direction and it makes me feel so much more confident it makes me feel Good like knowing that okay, so this is the season for this This is what I need to be focused on focusing on right now It makes everything just make sense and there's times where I I'm hard on myself because I'm not motivated and I don't want to do anything and I feel a little like overwhelmed and anxious And I'm hard on myself because I'm like you should be productive right now. Why aren't you doing? Inactuality is because I need to be resting I need to be taking a step back I need to be just practicing self-care in this moment, and I had that moment last month That last month yeah last month where I wasn't really productive, but I was taking care of myself, you know, I was Well that is productivity, isn't it? So Anyways, I digress The purpose of this video so yesterday therapy I was talking to my therapist about a situation that I was going through in the moment well that day yesterday and The topic of Why I no longer smoke came up If you've been following me for a while, you know my story or parts of it You know that last year February I left a very toxic abusive relationship with my children's father, but prior to that I While I was still in the situation One of the ways I coped was smoking although. I didn't realize it in the moment I didn't know that I was using it to open the moment Exactly what it was for me before I left. I was pregnant. I was about Three months pregnant almost four with my third child. I Was very unhappy of course. I was miserable. I was not taking care of myself. I was literally living in survival mode and Smoking helped me get through the day it helped me Take care of myself in the smallest way by just simply eating So at a time I was like I'm smoking because I need to open my appetite in order to eat Not knowing that I didn't have an appetite because I was stressed because I was miserable because I was unhappy You know, I was smoking because of the nausea from the pregnancy not knowing that I was experiencing all that morning sickness because I was in a toxic situation my body was in survival mode my body was trying to Do the most to just help me get through the pregnancy So besides even when I was pregnant like in between my second and third pregnancy and Even my first I became a smoker not in the heavy sense because it didn't take much for me to take flight but I definitely smoked daily like It was just part of My day and in hindsight in hindsight, I realized that it was definitely my way of So when I left the situation Last year February, I had no urge or no desire to smoke when I first came back All of my morning sickness went away my appetite came back and And although I I had a lot to deal with Overall, I was just I felt like a weight was lifted off of me Just from leaving the situation alone. So I had no desire to smoke. I to be honest I have I haven't smoked since so what came up in therapy yesterday was Throughout my journey last year from February when I returned to St. Croix I did I never smoked but there were times When I was feeling so heavy. I was feeling so sad So irritable or frustrated just overwhelmed anxious I was just feeling all of it. My camera is going to die So I was saying last year when I got back I No longer had a desire to smoke Whether it was for opening my appetite Morning sickness all of that all of that went away But I remember it was like Maybe a couple months after returning I Was having a very hard day like emotionally. I was crying. I was I was just going through it I was just in a very bad space and I remember Wanting to smoke just to escape it. I remember just wanting to like numb the pain in that moment like I didn't want to feel anything and when I noticed that Listen, you've been back for about two months. You haven't smoked since you returned. You don't need it for any type of sickness or whatever So why do you want it right now? And that's when it hit me that I was literally using it to cope in that moment I made a conscious decision That I'm going to do this the hard way I want to intentionally heal what the fuck I went through and in order to do that I'm gonna have to feel all of it. I don't want to numb my pain Just to get me through the day. So I made a conscious decision to Not use it anymore While I'm on this journey and I never shared this with anybody Because it was for me, but I had days that it was so hard I had days where I literally just didn't want to feel anything and I I I would sit on my bedroom floor After putting the boys to bed once the house was quiet. Everybody's in their room sleeping I would sit on my bedroom floor and Cry and cry and cry and cry and I would hold my stomach I would hold my heart and I would be keeled over on the floor and I just I'm feeling a pain Like it's not a pain like if somebody hits you, you know, it's just a pain of hurt. It's an emotional pain I remember one one one specific incident one day It was actually then the Saturday night before my solar return last year when I had the honor your honor your mother ceremony on my birthday I Was sitting down on my bedroom floor just normal and this wave of emotions came over me and I just started crying Like I wasn't sad prior. I was like nothing Specifically happened, but my body just felt felt this this like sickness like my stomach was hurting I got very very sad emotional and I mean afterwards. I realized what those emotions were it was my body remembering the day that he Sexually assaulted me because that that they would have made a year in the moment. I didn't realize it But I remember just wanted to numb the pain I remember just not wanting to feel any of it and I cried and cried and cried and I was literally Screaming out loud like please take this away. I don't want it and a voice came over me saying just feel it Like allow yourself to feel it. It's okay. It's not gonna last forever and then I kind of just let go and allowed myself to cry and I cried for like an hour and Afterwards I lit some sage a little incense. I got a candle I did some deep breathing and I felt lighter. I felt so much lighter in that moment. I was like wow healing is ugly like When you heal in the scars that nobody could see that shit is not easy But if you want to truly heal if you want to truly make it through whatever you're experiencing right now You have to be willing to feel it and face it in order to release it and Move on because if you try to just numb yourself through it take flight every day drink be intoxicated All the time you're not healing anything, you know You're just floating through it You know that that pain is just gonna remain there When you think about how trauma how pain how hurt how disappointment how all of that You're storing inside of your body think about it You keep pouring that in At some point it's gonna reach its capacity and you're gonna explode so why wait for you to explode why not just be intentional with healing from day one So that when you do reach on the other side You know that you got there because you did the work. There are toxic coping mechanisms But there's also a coping mechanism because we all need a cope Like we all need an outlet But if you're gonna choose the toxic coping mechanism, how is that benefiting your journey like really sit down and ask yourself this if I'm lashing out on people in order to make myself feel better if I'm Drinking every day in order to numb the pain if I'm smoking every day in order to be Outside of my reality. How is that helping you on your healing journey? When you are aware of your behaviors when you are when you acknowledge Your part in Why you're in the space you're in when you hold yourself accountable You're able to make those hard decisions in order to be better In order to do better And it's not easy like that should don't happen overnight You know, I'm not gonna sit here and act like if I Had it all figured out. I still don't have it all figured out. You know, I still have moments where Sometimes I don't want to feel nothing But because I'm aware of how Going through the motions and the the emotions and the feelings how that helps I Sit in that discomfort. I sit in that pain and I remind myself that I'm not gonna feel like this And I push through it. I am in the best space mentally Emotionally physically and spiritually that I've been in my Entire life and I could say that because although my life has changed drastically over the past couple years Although I am starting over from scratch Although I am in a space Physically that I never thought I'll be in internally when I assess my emotional health My mental health my spiritual health. I am whole. I am at peace. I Am happy and that is what matters. The rest is gonna come I'll get everything back when it comes to the physical aspect And if you watch my last therapy Thursday video, you know that I had a moment that video was actually old I recorded that in August I believe I'm wearing October right now. So How I was feeling in that moment was real and valid But I'm now in a space where I was able to feel that face it and release it. So I've Grieved my losses. I allowed myself to go through that. So now today I can say that although things aren't easy Because of my losses things aren't the way I want them to be yet Things aren't the way I need them to be yet. I can sit here and say that I am okay with that because I know what's to come I know that I can rebuild. I know that I can get everything back I know that there were lessons in what I went through that I needed in order to be here now And that's another thing like I was watching something I don't know if it was like a clip on social media or a show or something But they were saying that life is gonna knock you out Sometimes, you know how we be saying life be life in life is going to It's gonna throw you a right hook sometimes, but how are you gonna respond to that? You know because life only push you around because God Spirit the universe has something for you to learn in that discomfort has something for you to learn in that pain something for you to learn in that space of Reset if you're in a time in your life where you're just unhappy Nothing is going the way You want it to go or you're in a moment of reset as to where God has just stripped you of everything that you had Know that you're in that space for a reason for a purpose And if you think about it in that aspect is easier to work yourself through it because now you can sit still you can take a moment to assess your life and Really try and figure out. What is it? Do I need to learn right now? What is it that I need to let go of you have to ask yourself those questions? And that's why I love that I I went straight to therapy because that's what therapy did for me It helped me answer the hard questions. It helped me always answer the why because there's always a why, you know, it helped me navigate What I was feeling when I was feeling it why I was feeling it it helped me be Patient with myself and give myself grace So when I tell everyone to go to therapy is not because I'm going no it's because I know it works I know it helps and my goodness I Don't know where I would be so my one advice Silence is very loud And when you think about it, you're like, how does that make sense? But it was basically saying Things aren't going the way you want to or you're just you've been through a traumatic experience or Life is just life in you know We tend to distract ourselves and there's so much distractions. There's a TV the phone music friends family going out Just being around things and people you're constantly stimulated. That's not the true noise. That's just a distraction It's the moment you turn all of that off Turn off the electronics Tell your friends you call them later shut the door on your family for a little bit not shut the door But like you know just go in your room Be by yourself turn off the music when you do all of that and You're finally able to sit in stillness and silence. That's when you start to hear the true noise That's when the silence get loud because now you can hear all of the voices all of the feelings all of the emotions That you've been trying to Distract yourself from and all of it is going to come rushing in You're going to hear everything and you're going to feel everything and that's when you feel that discomfort That's when you get emotional. That's when the tears come. That's when you're in your most Vulnerable states and people think that Vulnerability is weak. It's not it's like the strongest thing Being vulnerable is being strong and not everybody could do that. So if you could do that know that you got superpowers, okay? that was one of my challenges being vulnerable and a lot of people might think that I post these videos and Reviews but I don't I post it for myself. I post it to challenge myself To put myself out there in a vulnerable state. I'm sharing Information about my life that would be otherwise kept private and although I'm still a very private person I share in an aspect to Inspire others and let other people know that they're not alone Allow yourself to feel it so that you can grow through it I know a lot of people are going through it right now. I Know I know some personally But know that it won't be like that forever Like I really want you to sit with yourself and figure out. What is the lesson that you need in this moment? From what you're experiencing and once you answer that question a lot is going to turn around for you You have the power to create your own reality So when God put you in a place of reset you get to start from scratch And although that doesn't sound great because nobody likes to start over starting over is a great thing when you are in control of Your life this time I'm in control full control So me starting over is not a bad thing now. I can do it the way I want how I want without the other voices or other voice without the manipulation without the control without the demeaning words like I get to start over and create a life for myself and my children that we deserve and that is What I hold on to know that whatever you're feeling right now, whatever you're going through right now It's not gonna last forever Learn the lesson that you need to learn feel what you need to feel face what you need to face Release what you need to release and you're gonna see how doors just start to open and if nothing else I am living proof of that. Anyways, that is all for this video. Oh gosh. I'm dropping my fruit y'all. I Guess in a nutshell my message would be whatever you're going through in life right now Choose a healthy way to cope whatever you're going through right now allow yourself to feel allow yourself to heal Allow yourself to release whatever you're going through right now. Don't choose the behaviors Substances the life that's gonna keep you in that state. Your reality is just a sum of all of the choices You've made in one way or the other not saying that other people does not play part in that but at the end of the day Your reality is your choices make better choices Create a better reality So So enough of my rambling I'm gonna eat my fruits anyways to all of my melanated women protect your wound by any means necessary and to everyone watch in Protect your peace by any means necessary. I wish you all love light and prosperity And you'll see me in my next video