 I'll just mention a couple things. My name is Dawn. I'm the director of Milarepa Center where, I believe it used to be the director. So we're very happy to have her back here with us. And she's here tonight. She's at the Catamount Arts tomorrow night in St. Johnsbury at 6 p.m. She's doing another talk on karma. So it comes to that, if you would like. There is also a weekend retreat happening this weekend at Milarepa Center with Venerable Amy. It's a long room retreat. So it'll kind of go through the whole stages of the pack. If you're interested in that, see me in the back afterwards. And then I just want to point out there's a bathroom in the back of the room. And then there's a table with some free books, some information about the center. And then there's a list if you'd like to get our newsletter from the center. That will let you know when things are happening, when we're having programs, retreats, any good things like that. You can sign up for that back there. Just please make sure you write it clearly so I can read your name to enter it. And then Venerable Amy also has some information here. She's going to be leaving a pilgrimage to Laudo next year. I highly suggest checking it out. And thank you for coming. Thanks for... Oh, sorry. Okay, so we're all going to silence our phones, right? Please. If you don't mind, that would be wonderful. Thank you. So just to begin, and we finished at 7.30. Is that right? 7.30. Okay, great. We've been doing this for many years. I've come here like one, two, three times a year. And we always go over, and Rachel and George used to be like, you know, we're locking you in, you know. So I'm going to try to stick to the schedule. And also, what Dawn is mentioning, this weekend retreat at Milareka Center, when she mentions about the long rim, so long means path, and rim is stages or steps. But steps on the path, and what that means is it's our overall philosophy in the tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, the Gailug, or Gailugpa tradition of Tibetan Buddhism. You don't need to worry about all the terminology, but just for those that want to orient to what is this weekend program. But I think we're also going to talk about joy and how is it possible to have joy in our lives right now in this very challenging time on the planet. And the long rim, these topics of the philosophy that take you through why it's advantageous to be human, and why are we not appreciating that situation enough? What gets in the way of that? What about your mind? So it's only a couple of days, and we get to go a little deeper than obviously a class like this. So this is just a little taste, just talking about one specific topic of dealing with challenging people. Okay, dealing with challenging people, which is really not anything that any of us have any problem with, right? Is that right? That's what I thought. So I want to talk about that this evening, and what I'd like to do first to start is one of our main ways to orient our mind in dealing with challenging people and challenging situations is to put your mind in the right direction. You know, we're in charge of our minds. No one else is, by the way. In fact, your mind is the only thing in the world. Are you ready for this? The only thing in the world you can control is your mind. Not anybody else, not your mother, not your partner, not your kids. So I just wanted to mention that, and it is difficult to control the mind. There's no question. And a lot of people are like, I'm not even in control of my mind right now. But the main way that we start is setting a motivation. You're directing the intention in a certain way. So what we do in our tradition is we are focused on benefiting and helping all living beings. That includes yourself. All living beings, or they'll say all sentient beings. Sentient means with a mind. Beings that have a mind, and that's all of us here in this room. And that's all the beings on the planet. And Buddhism includes insects and animals, or sentient. So how do I help all living beings when I can't even help myself? A lot of people think like that. So we have this notion, if I can become fully awake, a fully awakened being, Buddha means in Sanskrit, fully awake. That's what it means. If I can reach that place, I'm unlimited in how I can help all beings. I have all the power to help all living beings. Buddhas are omniscient. Omniscient means all knowing. If you're all knowing and someone comes to you and says I need help, I'm having trouble at work, and my relationship's a mess, and my kid is totally addicted to this or that. What can I do? Can you help me? And what do you do? You advise from what you know. But is anybody here, is any of your knowledge, I'm just curious because you never know which Buddha is sitting amongst us? Is anybody's knowledge unlimited? You can just put your hand up. Does anybody feel like they've got all the knowledge? Right? We don't. We all finish human beings, not Buddha. As a human being, my knowledge is limited. So because it's limited, when someone comes to me, you take your life experience and you take whatever type of good heart you have to try to advise them, but I don't actually fully know. So I say what I think will help, but it might not be so a Buddha being omniscient, knows. Capital K, knows it all. So they are going to advise you every moment they're living, breathing of what is the best thing for these beings? What's the best thing if someone comes and asks advice? What's the best way for you to act in a situation that arises? And all day long, all of us are interacting with other beings in one way or another, and we like it when it goes well. That's wonderful. And it's easy, and when we're around our friends, we can relax a little bit. It's comfortable, but sometimes it doesn't go well. Right? And then what? So some of you already have great coping mechanisms and you have enough life experience. There's some seats up here, too, if you feel that adventurous. So some of you, due to your own life experience, do advise from a place, but sometimes we muck it up, or sometimes that challenge arises and I'm too tired to deal with it, and then this opens and something negative slips out. And then later I go home and I sulk and I guiltily obsess about how horrible I am and how, why don't I say that and then I talk to my partner about it and then I talk to some friends and then I analyze it to death and then I feel worse. So it's not useful. It's not useful, but a lot of us have patterns like that and it is simply normal for the human condition. So the beginning is relax and the beginning of practice in general is just relax. So what I'd like you to do to start is let's just close our eyes wherever you're seated and if you feel to sit up straight and if you're in a chair have your feet straight down, perfectly fine. No problem meditating in a chair. And just begin to notice a normal, natural breath moving through your system and every time you inhale, you're opening up space in the body-mind and each exhalation is a release of any tension you might be storing in your body and mind and just bringing yourself to as relaxed a place as possible and setting our motivation putting that proper intention in your mind meaning you are directing your awareness where you would like it to go as opposed to being distracted and having your awareness pulled in a variety of directions by the external influences around you. You're directing your awareness and you can do this every moment you think about it. So through the day you become imbalanced you can re-establish your motivation. So in this tradition, tradition I am in, again, we're very focused on benefiting all living beings. Imagine the planet if we were all focused in that way. Reflect for a moment on how you feel about wanting to help others and wanting to help yourself along the way and what if you lived in a space where you could do that every moment perfectly effortlessly without any fear or constraints without any distractions and you were happy all of the time. So just imagining and reflecting on that space take a moment right now to set a positive intention for our time together. So if you'd like to think about fully waking up to benefit all living beings can set that intention or whatever intention you'd like not only for our time together but all the activities of the rest of your day and then I'd like you to bring up one of your difficult challenging people in your lives just one. Just like you to recall this person and if possible I'd like you to visualize them right now in the space seated across from you facing you. If you have trouble visualizing just imagine as if they're there and notice right now as you're seated in front of this person just notice how you begin to feel body and mind. So take a little moment to rejoice at yourself right now because number one you got yourself here into the room I think it's a good position and then you set a good motivation fantastic a great orientation and now here we are here's you and your person you have this perfect opportunity to transform your mind one of the best things you can do right now for the planet is to transform your mind into something more positive something more loving so I'd like you now to think about this person in front of you I'd like you to recall if it's possible a recent situation if not recent go back because the person may have passed away as well can also use someone who's passed away someone who in a sense holds you hostage I'd like you to recall one of the nasty incidences that the two of you were engaged in just try to think of one of these situations that was uncomfortable for you and allow it to push that play button on the recording just take a couple minutes of the interaction noting what they are doing or saying noting what you are doing saying and thinking and just roll a couple minutes of this time, this precious time with your precious person and feel free to be honest in this interaction did you end up screaming at them did you break down and cry did you repress something did you say something really awful to them just notice, just observe without judgment right now, you're just observing we're watching a movie, that's all we're simply watching this movie so we can develop our minds in a more positive direction it's an educational video right now I'd like you to press the pause button now let's reflect what are we going to do with this person they're not really holding us hostage only you are so let's analyze, what's happening here first of all what was your motivation in this interaction what did you want and did you get what you wanted was it reasonable what you wanted was it realistic here's a big step what do you think their motivation was in the interaction so number one we notice when we're having trouble with someone when we're fighting with someone or disagreeing with someone we rarely are considering what's going on for them it's usually all about me so did they accomplish what what you think their motivation was did they get what they wanted do you think they're innately cruel this person they could be confused correct to you they're appearing to come from a confused space are you ever confused so there you have something now in common with them in that at times we are both confused let's analyze a little bit more fundamentally don't you want to be happy and not suffer look across at your person don't you think they want to be happy and not suffer everybody wants to be happy and not suffer so now you have a second thing in common with them is that you both want to be happy and you don't want to suffer so here's the third thing to think about in Buddhism we talk about everyone having Buddha nature Buddha nature it does not mean you're a Buddha but it means you have a seed a potential in your mind that can ripen into a fully realized being a Buddha and every being with a mind has that potential so you may say well there's terrorists on the planet and they don't have the same nature that I have but Buddhism says everyone has a seed of goodness some just have more obscurations and veils covering that seed our practice is stripping away the veils and the obscurations so for some they are thicker but fundamentally and again look across at your special person we both have Buddha nature we have a seed a potential that can ripen into a fully awakened being so how do you feel about the person now now that you have three things in common with them look across at them now based on the interaction are you completely clear what is happening for them during this interaction do you happen to know their minds do you know that they have a sick child at home do you know that they're worried about their money they're having relationship issues they hate their job what else do you think you know about them but you're not really sure now if it's accurate so for a moment now I'd like you to exchange places with this person so as if you're in their body and they're across in your body and you are looking out through their eyes right now back at you angry imagine you are them they are you what is it like to look out of their eyes in this interaction looking back at you angry are you pleasant to fight with are you pleasant to have a disagreement with imagine that looking out through their eyes how does that feel so come back into your own body looking across at your challenging person and just consider have you ever made a mistake or the inaccurate in whatever behavior they're showing have you ever made a mistake and been inaccurate do you have some level of your heart right now that can layer some acceptance towards them just accepting this is the human condition it is flawed that's its nature it doesn't mean we're bad people because we make mistakes it's just simply what is through this acceptance can I open my heart a little bit more towards them considering for some empathy in that I've also done a similar thing at times feeling some compassion towards them you can imagine some white light coming from your heart center over towards them and enveloping them with the empathy, with the compassion and kindness why not send this positive experience out to the planet rather than the hatred and the hostility which there is enough of why doesn't it come normally because we haven't practiced enough that's all and especially this person needs it especially the person we view as other we have to be creative we have great sustenance to reach across that divide and find a way to make a healthy relationship especially with them this is our job right now on the planet so I'd like you to roll back the recording rewind with the exercise we just did you're going to push play again and roll yourself through those couple of minutes you've already explored it's not about changing the other person it is you changing your mind your attitude so as you let those moments roll out the person will say exactly what they said before and act exactly as they did before how would you like to counter you can change your behavior so this is your role play we have to practice so allow that to play out and see if anything has changed and you just try your best so begin to wrap up your situation and as you look across at your person feel free to conclude with any acknowledgement right now or gesture you'd like to make to them and slowly allow them to dissolve back into the space from where they came please relax and slowly you may open your eyes I'm going to mention with these challenging beings these challenging people in our acceptance if we'd like to explore the acceptance which is hard there is this idea that they're doing the best they can and some people are more obscure than others right and sometimes we really mess up and in those moments sometimes I'm doing the best I can we're racing through our lives we're probably too busy often there's many distractions around us now we have this technology that distracts us further we get off balance you bump up against somebody else off balance boom if we're more fluid practicing realizing well sometimes we bump up against people it's like that then there's more gentleness gentleness towards myself first of all in my imbalance sometimes I'm in balance that's life as a human being so when somebody else is in balance as well and I come into their space I'm more forgiving, more accepting if I'm holding myself to a certain rigidity that's where it starts with our own hearts our own minds any questions or observations from the meditation anything anybody wants to anything anything you observed was it helpful? I find sometimes it's easier to do the meditation with this discussion of how do we actually get in there these meditations are often designed to be done again and again you don't change your mind with one meditation because you have 40, 50 years of one pattern of how your mind's operating how can you just switch it into another reality with one so again you go again you'll sit in front of the person I had some great strides with someone close to me in my life through doing this meditation away from them so that when I would visit they lived across the country from me when I would visit and I knew we were going to get into this thing and I would say they pushed my button they knew how to push the button but it was their fault if she wouldn't send the missile out to me everything would be okay but the button I designed the button there's nobody out there to blame so a very freeing thing is to let go of the blame and the accusation on the other we're a society of blamers somebody else's fault it's always somebody else's problem I'm having a bad day today somebody else's fault so Buddhism takes all of that away frees you from that that harness totally frees you from that I found that wonderful as a Buddhist you are an inner being an inner being and that means that whatever is in front of me at any time I'm watching my mind observing my mind and thinking like how's my mind showing up here how come I was snippy to her how come I feel really good about this person why am I attached to this why is there some hostility here oh look at how uncomfortable I am now so the other thing is in the initial thing when you looked across at the person comfortable or uncomfortable uncomfortable right for most people it's uncomfortable it's like to be uncomfortable God forbid in the United States of America I teach around the world but in the States we seem to have the most trouble with discomfort we do not want it at all on the horizon so when it appears we wriggle and try to do anything and blaming is one way out of it you know it's their problem they're doing this to me so basic mindfulness practice now which doesn't necessarily make it a Buddhist practice but mindfulness is a big hot topic in the States right now and I think it's brilliant so basic mindfulness is here's the person and you may have somebody at work and you know as soon as they walk in there's like tension in your body every time you're around that person the holidays are coming up later this year and Christmas will come and sometimes you're at a Christmas event and there's old Uncle Harry that completely pisses you off whoever it is that person in your family that there's always some issue with him or her so some of the things you can anticipate but instead of anticipating with tension leading up to it what if I kind of know I'm going to walk into the room and he's going to be there how about three deep breaths this is basic mindfulness practice use your breath you're breathing anyway why not use it in a more beneficial way nobody needs to know what you're doing another deep breath you're at the uncomfortable business meeting and there's the jerk at work sitting across the table deep breath and in the breath it's okay if you're noticing your thoughts and your thoughts are like can't stand this guy look at the shirt he's wearing did he comb his hair today doesn't appear to be he smells this is just normal with that other person use a little humor sometimes I'll notice a sweeping judgment rising up in my mind like some wild horse here it comes and then I'm like what are you doing Amy look at you and sometimes I'll even have visualizations of me taking the reins back here okay I usually find use humor and use visualization if it works for you and there I am I used to do this when I was a new Buddhist working for a magazine and we'd sit around a conference table there were some very big egos there and I kind of as a new Buddhist was watching and I'm thinking who does this guy think he is geez so instead of suddenly take a deep breath another deep breath listening to the meeting I'm still hearing I'm here I am and by the end of the third breath often perspective opens up in my mind some space is there and what I can start to do from my practices is I can start to introduce I did this at some of the business meetings just as I want to be happy and don't want to suffer he wants to be happy and doesn't want to suffer just as I want to be happy and don't want to suffer she wants that too I don't have to say anything but I'm thinking it in my mind instead of he's such a jerk looking at me so stupid instead I'm countering I'm not repressing the thoughts I'm not anxious now I'm not saying I'm not angry no I'm kind of going whoa those are some pretty uncomfortable thoughts okay there they are I'm not going to deny that I have them there they go and you know what I don't need to attach any more importance to them and I do not need to over elaborate them now and make them bigger every time we start feeding into the stories did you ever do this you go to a party I just talked to somebody today about this you go to a party you come into the house you see somebody you know across the room that you want to kind of see them and you know there's some history whatever you want to see them and they see you but they're engaged already talking with someone but they see you across the room and they notice you but then you notice that when they looked over at you they weren't smiling and you somehow interpret that there's some problem with you in regard to them somehow there isn't this but they're engaged in a conversation already so first of all isn't it interesting how I think I'm so important number one they should make a B line over to me now that I've walked into the room I'm important number two they must be talking about me on that important must be about me number three the fact that they didn't smile and they've got some kind of funny grimace on their face right now again I'm so important it must be about me my goodness that's a lot of weight and a lot of trouble for our minds right and then I start a story from there well he's always liked that he always does that and then he does this or she's always yeah and then she really and I know that we had that little thing before at the store and she must be thinking about I mean and then it rotates into a huge epic saga you know and here I am now at the party why did I come oh there she is she's got all her friends around her you know rather than going over eventually to greet her or him hi maybe they're held hostage by this person they don't really want to talk to and they don't know how to get out of it right we don't even know maybe they have gas but sometimes it's as simple as that and I have just made a sweeping thing and suddenly I'm no good anymore and then it goes all into this I'm no good I'm horrible I never do anything why did I come to the party and then you leave early and you just missed an opportunity for connection don't we do this then you take it home and then the stories with you all night and there it is and your reputation and on and on boring so boring we bore ourselves with this stuff okay so and here's another thing with the difficult person so first of all we're making up stories that are not accurate stop your stories notice the story don't repress it just notice go whoa sweeping epic right now Amy and I have this myself stop thinking I even say to myself stop thinking it's not not positive thinking I don't need to think that way it's useless because I don't even know what's true but I'm making something up and I'm invested in it and then I think it's accurate oh my goodness first of all just notice the bubbles are rising and they're bubbles what's the essence of a bubble not much nothing there you hit it with your finger you try to touch it and grab it boom gone okay so what if you just notice them bubbles are rising here comes this person here they are the other thing is the interesting thing about the other person is and this is a higher level of Buddhism okay you actually need that person to practice and transform your mind with your friends it's easy and my mind's not really doing that much work it's easy I can kind of sit back and relax I can say whatever I want I can do you know it's okay they accept me they forgive me they love me anyway like that but here comes the difficult person well this is how you practice patience we're not doing it with our friends but the difficult person it's the only way I can perfect patience you need perfected patience to become a Buddha so I need this person in fact they are that precious to me that's how you start receiving the other the challenging person what if we can get to that mind space where I see them and I'm welcoming them like okay and I started doing that with a guy we were working with in a magazine you can try where you're looking forward to tomorrow I know I have that meeting with a person I really have trouble getting along with them and they're so difficult in the office so tomorrow is my I have a chance here it is buckle your seat belt it's buckle your seat belt time and I may not get it totally right but I'm definitely going to do better than the last time with the last time I left I'm not going to get into any of these situations or freaked out by them intimidated by them or angry at them yelling at them whatever it is or just adverse from them where I'm like not working with them again this is my opportunity and sometimes with this difficult person here's another thing what about one kind simple gesture towards them basic kindness I've never heard the story before but this guy at the magazine that no one liked who really was quite rough with people when I heard him speaking in the office in his office with other people it was scary he was so asocial he didn't really know how to be around other people politely he just was scared of other people who would have thought that it's like a chain dog or friends because they're scared because they're scared if you take them off the leash sometimes they won't attack you if you enter their space they won't necessarily attack you they're scared and they're chained so it's very scary for them he was chained to these concepts of how he was raised and this behavior pattern that's all he knew how to do was kind of lash out at people so one day after some practice and learning I gave him a cup of coffee in the office like I would have done for anybody else in the office genuine nice cup of coffee I wanted it to be very natural I didn't want to kind of make a big thing about it like I just got you a cup of coffee you need to be nice to me I needed it to be natural so I had to plan it I had to plan this cup of coffee I had to plan when his coffee cup would be empty so that it would be natural for him to see to make it natural with my coffee mug in my hand to make sure it was the right time to say oh you want a cup of coffee I'm going anyway would you like a cup of coffee like to make it that ordinary like you do with other people because he was so belligerent it was scary I didn't know what would happen and I would try it but first I had to learn how he took his coffee another exercise and I learned with cream only so that took me a week to learn that and then finally the opportunity and here I come in my mug and here this and suddenly and then my voice a little wavering I was like I didn't want to blow it would you like a cup of coffee no one had ever done that with him in the office so totally disarmed him I didn't mean to but he was very you know and he was studying and he said and I'm like kind of reaching for it like had my hand up for his cup and then he said okay kind of scared okay he'd never had the contest he had no practice of what this is like between people so I went out and then what you want to do is make a good nice cup of coffee not going to be like you know throw salt in it I mean some of us want to do that just a cup of coffee like I would drink it and just came back in no big deal, no kind of like here's your cup you know aren't I great no here you go and I left and that was it we were friends after that just a cup of coffee that was it so some simple kind gesture but it has to be genuine it has to be genuine you know I like your shoes really nice top you know the hair is spiking this way you know your hair looks great but from that people in the office coming up and asking me like quietly what did you do how was he loved you and I said I got him a cup of coffee so it can be something really simple that breaks the ice because this person is also holding you as other when you looked out through their eyes what was that experience like for you how was that turning the tables hello is anyone home please scary I looked fierce I was surprised at how angry I looked and how she was really afraid of me isn't that scary it's very unpleasant to fight with me when I looked out through other people's eyes I was like we're fierce aren't we what was your experience that was similar I was sitting over there really angry and it made me think how it must be like for that person standing there in front of me faced with this shutdown somewhat angry person now should I ask this person the question knowing just in the first second of opening that door what person was faced with I mean it's an eye-opener isn't it it's really startling when you think because we never consider all we know is what we want and how they need to serve it up to us and they're not doing that so it's their fault but what are we bringing to the conversation it's pretty intense when you look at that so then there's some owning my situation again I'm an inner being on this path to really transform I'm an inner being so wow yeah I'm not presenting that well and I'm pretty angry and I'm looking kind of fierce and how could they ever approach me how could they ever kind of reduce like of course they're also posturing themselves to kind of defend because when you're in the force of some great evil you need to kind of be like okay you know I've got to go to battle with her as well so we're also throwing fuel on the fire I've never seen it before maybe never realized blinded by our agenda blinded by those negative parts of our ego that definitely okay I looked impenetrable and impenetrable because I had put up my armor because I was feeling vulnerable and I didn't want to be taken advantage of I wanted to protect myself and so I had this really like a wall you know like I was putting up a wall so and it's interesting thank you for mentioning the word vulnerable vulnerable this is a big word bantered around now in our culture there was a sense that vulnerability a long time was not okay some of you may still feel that way okay it appears to be weakness weakness and then some of you have read Brené Brown the sociologist brilliant you know so she's the one who kind of broke it out there that vulnerability is actually she says the birthplace of creativity innovation and change well that's different that's different and I had somebody my dad passed away in early July and I have a friend that is often texting me how am I doing and it's very sweet very nice he's very supportive and occasionally at the end when I'll just say yeah I'm cleaning this out of the house now or I'm taking care of the paperwork for this and these are just things you do you know it's no big deal it's no big horror but it's sometimes it's a pain but it's no big deal and then he'll always say like be strong or be strong stay strong and I wrote back to him recently and I went well you know what about I think being vulnerable right now is really helpful for me to feel the vulnerability I don't need to feel all the strength of my dad just passed away like I don't want to armor myself I want to feel that I want to feel the sadness when it arises at times I want to feel like I have the memories and miss him at times and so I find that that creativity innovation and change is helpful when you feel the hole in your heart where you feel afraid of someone you know and then you get a glimpse of yourself and you may feel afraid of your own ferocity and realizing that wow I'm putting this out there so suddenly it's like okay so I can innovate and I can change and I can do something different do something different when you went back and replayed and re-wound and then push the play button again what happened any observations did you do the exact same behavior what was different what did you try that was different did it change anything in this situation and did you notice if you did something different because a lot of you were nodding if you did something different did they change at all they didn't change okay some of them did change some did change right so it's interesting because we like to change others but the only one you can change is yourself that's it so you can give up the hole trying to change this other person but when you do change because you are part of the world the ripple goes out that ripple effect goes out and that's going to touch them and then they will change so that's always been significant however I'm not going to set myself up to change let that go it's just about me showing up with as much wisdom and compassion that good motivation as I can have bringing that and noticing also when I am off kilter and I'm not feeling much wisdom and compassion and just noticing that and then being kind to myself how about basic love kindness self compassion self and kindness directed towards myself also the self compassion it's a huge part of the practice and we forget that we feel like we're not allowed that it has to happen it has to happen for us to be able to one day embrace the other and to create a healthy relationship with the other especially so again you can again sit over and over but I mentioned the very beginning is just take it to the breath basic mindfulness practice and then what I notice from the breath is as it calms you down because it automatically does that and I start just noticing the flying bubbles and I might say oh these really non-virtuous thoughts whatever oh it's not like I shouldn't have these thoughts the thoughts are just happening so let them go ok they're happening it's just out of a habit they're happening that's all I don't need to get any more involved in them and eventually they stop happening they slow down and stop happening another breath and this is me doing the best I can ok and then this is me with the breath oh wait a minute this morning I had a motivation and the motivation was that I'd like to reach that fully awakened state and you might have your own motivations in your own words why? because I want to benefit all living beings that is actually my motivation every morning can I direct the activities of my body speech and mind as much as I can throughout the day right I know I may not get it going all day but as much as I can throughout the day towards something positive that will get me enlightened so I can benefit all living beings that's one of my waking motivations in bed ok now here I am later in the day and here's my challenging person and I'm all the doors and windows are shutting and I'm not comfortable right now and I feel my heart's racing a little bit I'm a little clammy and my breath's a little short and suddenly yeah I really wanted to benefit all living beings except them that's really what's going on right so here I am oh a few deep breaths well that gives me some perspective and now what I can do is re-establish a good motivation all living beings all living beings and right now especially them especially them is it challenging? of course it's challenging I'm saying this is not an easy path especially them ok that's right I did wake up I want to become a fully awakened being and devote direct my activities body speech and mind just to be positive benefit all living beings ok especially them ok now I have the motivation there nice ok now here I am in front of them and then you can start the exercises just as I want to be happy and don't want to say well they want the same thing you know just I have Buddha nature they have Buddha nature too does their Buddha nature seem to be more obscure than mine? well it seems that way but I don't really know what if I look out through their eyes and look back at me well that's pretty ugly ok well I think we're kind of the same there well we have all these things in common are they probably operating from the best that they can operate well probably how much do I really know about them when I said that some co-workers do you know everything about them? no we think we do we have them sorted we think we do the people in my office with this one guy that everybody hated and people had stories about him but they didn't know anything about him they never socialized with him they never asked him about his childhood they never asked him where he lived and who he lived with or did he live alone or what was it like for him to ever converse with him like that but we think we know and they were like oh yeah he's like that we had him sorted I always find it interesting when I travel and I'm in another country and someone will say to me oh where are you from and then I say the states and they're like oh ok what is that? we sort of the states the states is a big country it's different as we know from Alabama to California and Illinois it's all different everybody's different so I always find that interesting boom done got you all wrapped up in a little box so these are just ways in and humor is a wonderful one to use use humor with your delusions you're noticing the negative thoughts and I sometimes have here comes my challenging person they're walking right now and I'm a little bit like is there an exit hatch here you know where can I get out of here oh I really don't want to talk to this person right now here they come they're smiling making their B line over to me and then I'll suddenly and then they start saying something or I'm in a meeting somebody's saying something and part of me is like this guy's an idiot I'm a Buddhist nun I'm not a perfect person I mean sometimes I have these thoughts but you have these thoughts these non-generous thoughts and I just noticed but I will have a time in the back of my mind I'll have a little voice that'll be like do not open your mouth right now Amy I'll look at the person no do not open your mouth you do not need to go there just smile nod it's okay so in humor I think it's really helpful to bring a lightness about it instead of you know we're trying to get enlightened not inhibited but it is nice to bring a lightness to the interactions like that the other person may feel lighter as well and think well she's not all that bad like I was ready I was armored because she was armored the last time we interacted it was negative this is okay she seems relaxed like that so here's a higher level some of you have heard teachings on emptiness emptiness is very profound part of our philosophy what are things empty of what they're empty of is terms called inherent nature inherent existence I will give you synonyms for inherent existence a very hard concept for us to understand what is that inherent nature okay intrinsic value independent existence concrete reality things existing from their own side with their own nature that's the way we think everything exists in a sense things are concretized they are reified I'm giving you all these synonyms for this okay this is the way we go through space this is concrete this will be here for all time innately that's how I think about it that's not how it is that's not how it is bouncing off of energy bouncing off of all other kinds of energy here comes my difficult person okay we want to analyze with the thought of emptiness and karma we want to analyze with that what does that mean okay here they are walking towards me now we never have this much time to analyze this is why you go back to your cushion to a more formal meditation practice and I go God it was a terrible interaction with that person what was happening okay they're walking towards me okay did I ever analyze what's really there well there's an oblong shaped thing like this the head there's that okay that has some material on top well not much with me but sometimes there's some material and there's two round things here that often have color okay there's some other features and then there's a hole here and out of this hole comes sound that's the head everybody with me okay there's a longer torso shaped thing off of that are four appendages usually when they're walking towards you it's covered with some kind of claw let's hope okay sometimes it's not okay covered with claw and then and that's the raw information or data I'm going to say that's out there everybody with me there they are that's all that's out there I've got the fleshy thing I've got the torso appendages and here they are now karma means karma means action Sanskrit word for action cause and effect and that means that every moment I act think and say it leaves an imprint on my consciousness in my mind if I do and say and think good things it leaves a positive imprint in my mind that will ripen in future happiness for me if I do negative things and I yell at people and I think negative thoughts and do negative actions from that it leaves negative imprints in my mind that will ripen in future suffering for me how does karma ripen I don't know it's very intricate you need to highly realize mind to understand how it ripens but right now a negative karmic seed is ripening and here comes my difficult person and what that negative karmic seed ripening means is what's playing on the movie screen of my mind now is something that I don't really want to be near and what happens is I project onto that raw information the raw data of that being I underestimate what's out there so I project something negative less than what's really there onto that being and then because I project that negative thing now this opens and sound comes out and I interpret it as something negative that's how karma and emptiness relate and that's how they work together everybody with me some degree again karmic seed in my mind that is there is ripening it's a negative karmic seed persons coming in front of me and I underestimate the reality that's what the negative karmic seed causes me to do especially when I'm not aware of my mind and I'm not being an inner being an inner being is kind of waking up and going well negative karmic seed ripening in my mind and going on to this person but that's not exactly the way they exist because they're empty of that inherently negative enemy other challenging person nature how do I know they lack that? empty means they lack that they don't have that concrete negativeness why? because everybody would view them that way that's how inherent things are they do not change they don't come from other things they're frozen in time and space so that negative person and I project highly negative enemy terrible person out there if I feel and I feel invested that they are inherently like that if they are inherently like that again everybody has to see them that way so sometimes you're challenging person have you ever noticed some people like them isn't that interesting how is that possible they suck how is it possible that this person is friends with them how is it possible when the boss that you don't like is yelling at you and somebody in the office is happy about that you're having a terrible time but somebody thinks that's great let's analyze, let's go back all that's happening with the fleshy one thing is it's getting red now because it's yelling out of this comes sound that's all that's happening if you want to dial it back it's just sound coming out it can be but my negative karmic seed ripening I interpret it as negative and I don't like it and I'm uncomfortable somebody suddenly has a positive karmic seed ripening and they don't like me and they're like yeah it's getting yelled at this is how it works so it's a way to form an emptiness to create more of a fluidity in our everyday lives as we bump up against all these different energetic patterns and our behaviors and our minds makes sense so we need to kind of take it in of what's my experience what's my mind telling what's happening right now can I find a more gentle approach even in my discomfort and here's another thing about discomfort when Americans don't like this right my practice a lot of my practice is getting comfortable with the uncomfortable getting comfortable with the uncomfortable the more I operate with uncomfortable people and I do my exercises it really releases them in my mind from there being a really negative person there so I become more comfortable and I'm much more used to dealing and bringing up the patterns and the exercises I need to do sometimes right in the face of the person or I do it back on my cushion when I'm sitting more readily those patterns the healthy patterns are more readily available to me because I practice and so through that process when it becomes uncomfortable I'm also kind of used to it and I was like yeah well life's uncomfortable who said you're going to be comfortable all the time like that I was just telling I had dinner with Devin and Harry so my nephew was living with me for seven months he's in his late 20s he's a wonderful guy and when he heard about a job that I had that I loved and he heard that I didn't like doing these reports for the job and later he questioned me and said but I thought you love that job and he was having trouble with jobs he would get a job and there were some things he didn't like at the job and he would quit he had something in his mind that he's supposed to like every aspect of his job I don't know who taught him that his parents did not I don't know where he got that notion so then I looked at him and I said well I did love that job and he said but you said you didn't like the reports and I went well I didn't and he looked confused and I said I said sweetie you're not going to love everything about the job that's not life that just sets yourself up for utter disappointment and frustration so and I do notice a lot of younger people of that age whose idea they're supposed to love every aspect of what they're doing and I don't know where they got that from so once I kind of over and over I said no life's not like that and life can be great because you realize that so he's in a much better space now in general accepting there's an acceptance so with our other person as well what kind of acceptance can we have and what kind of forgiveness when they mess up do you forgive yourself do you need to forgive yourself when you've messed up have you not done that yet do you not accept certain things about yourself like that because that's where it starts if I can get soft in here in my inner beingness that will come out where I can come from a place of more loving kindness more gentleness questions? comments? yes you do have a question going back to what you're talking about karma and emptiness can you talk about really where fear fits in with karma and then karnic seed because for me that's the negative thought is actually just fear that and so what is happening with my karma and fear one thing that's helpful as possible is to analyze fear what do you think is underneath fear like when you get afraid what what is happening for you do you think well a lot of times I don't think it's even conscious I think it's some very very I think it's it's just some very old reactivity that's just ancient some of it is for sure what do you think about your fear when you have fear arise any idea of what what's underneath it unknown or change how about change isn't that fun we all love change don't we right the interesting thing with change change is related to it for certain change is the only thing you can count on it's happening all the time you can't stop change everything's changing all the time ego base ego base for sure ego base and what about the ego loss of control loss of control ding ding ding she wins the award loss of control but when you really look at fear a lot of times it's about the c word the control thing I need a certain control you know you're walking down a dark lit street and you think someone's following you there's that kind of fear right so I don't have control of my environment I may not have control of somebody doing something with my body that I don't want or attacking me or stealing something from me you know there's that level and then we have bigger kind of life issues things feel out of control and we have fear about money and we have fear about where we're going to live and fear about how we manifest in the world and fear about who our partners are and on and on fear about our kids and fear about health issues and concern which is different than fear concern I think takes a rational approach a realistic approach can I do something about this what do I need to do do I need to engage anything but fear rotates into the out of control stuff there's nothing I can really do about it so some of that I think is innate which would come from a karmic propensity to suffer from fear and things like that because where there's previous moments of my consciousness previous moments of my mind that have more of a habit of fear in it than other things so what's helpful and what they often tell us in our Buddhist practice and our Buddhist passage is to start to identify what your delusions are okay delusions I mean an imbalance in your mind and I mean things like all rooted in fundamental ignorance or confusion I have a miss knowing of reality K-N-O-W I miss no reality because why because I don't have a direct perception of emptiness the nature of reality and because of that I underestimate certain things as karma arises and then I over embellish certain things and that creates attachment so when I underestimate that creates aversion and hatred and when I over embellish that creates attachment and desire those are the three root delusions ignorance attachment and hatred and then from those spring other delusions pride jealousy anxiety fear so you get the idea of what imbalance in the mind so they say and when I just mentioned a bunch of those for you right now laziness is another one forgetfulness goes on and on when I mentioned some of them popped up for you bigger than others some people are very attached that's their big thing some people it's anger some people it's a combination but they say know your main delusions are and practicing over and over when you can if you can informal meditation I can't stress it enough and if you can't just try to use some mindfulness practice to counter great sweeps of negativity from coming out of you things like that so I don't know if that's helpful you know an understanding that the fundamental nature of my mind the mind has two qualities by the way according to Tibetan Buddhism two main characteristics we've talked about this before and it's very nice to see so many familiar faces here and some new faces as well so the mind has two qualities in Tibetan Buddhism any idea if you haven't heard this before any idea what those two qualities are your mind or consciousness same thing what do you think those qualities are your mind what's it like any guesses curiosity that's layered in one of the qualities certainly storytelling storytelling is also part of one of the qualities the mind does those things seems like it's endless endless how would you say it's endless can you describe that a little bit I don't know what boundaries there are no boundaries no boundaries to the mind that would describe a little bit of one of the qualities okay I'm going to give you I'm going to give you the first one are you ready you're sitting down this is a little shocking for people your mind is clear that's one of its actual characteristics is that what your mind's like most people are like my mind's busy busyness is my mind most people say that first one aspect of your mind is clarity clarity you go well that's not my mind okay but that's actually your mind second quality is awareness awareness so curiosity storytelling come into moments of consciousness the awareness like that the mind is a continuum they say it has no beginning and no end because every moment of the consciousness has a moment before they caused it and a moment before they caused it if you have a lot of fear in your mind it's usually because there's a pattern of fear in your mind more moments of fear causing the next moment of fear the next moment of fear we all know we have different personalities and different traits I know some people they tend towards depressiveness I know some people that are always happy when I see them I know some people that have really really good heart they're always thinking about others and how to help people and then I know some people that are they're okay but they always have a little snippy kind of sarcastic barb somehow and we're all different and it's just because that's what our minds are familiar with what is your mind familiar with okay sometimes it's anger sometimes it's frustration frustration is a lesser degree of anger if I can catch myself at frustration maybe I can stop my mind from getting into full blown anger by noticing it at frustration or irritation or annoyance first okay so it's very helpful to just understand that actually when I'm suffering from a big delusion one of the big antidotes to any type of delusion is remind myself of the nature of my mind that it's actually clear and aware that's all and right now I'm aware of anger in my mind or I'm aware of fear in my mind but actually my mind is clear has a clear light nature in its most subtle experience so that helps to cut a little bit of my hanging on to like I'm always like this and I'll always be like this so we're nearly out of time is there any other questions about anything in Buddhism as well and anything we talked about this evening what would you think of as the best way to practice self-forgiveness self-forgiveness what's the best way to practice that I think is being honest with yourself about what being very clear about what you need to forgive yourself for I think it's also helpful Archbishop Desmond Tutu has a beautiful book called The Book of Forgiving with his daughter wrote it and there's some exercises and part of it is number one to tell your story about what you need to forgive and if you can you can tell it to yourself but it's really nice to have a witness somebody you trust and that you feel safe with you kind of say this keeps coming up for me so I can't seem to release myself from this here's what's going on for me and to be honest and sometimes you might need the other person to continue to ask you the same question over and over what is it that you need to be forgiven for and then you'll roll out one level they'll sit with you and they might say what is it you need to be forgiven for and you'll notice other layers come out so then part of that is once you kind of feel you got the story out it's a little bit in the compassion for yourself is noting that I don't need, there's no point in hanging on you know I was doing the best I could and so then there's practicing like realizing like I was doing the best I could I made mistakes mistakes I can certainly do a remedial action if I need to ask somebody you know say I'm sorry to someone or do something reverse of what I was doing if it's possible sometimes that's not necessary and it's too late person's passed away like that sometimes I can put the person visualize them in front of me even if they've passed away and say what I want to say to them and be kind to them and say I really blew it and I messed up that can be very healing and it's kind of like I'm okay and you can even say words to yourself making sure and say it over and over that I forgive you visualize yourself across from you do the exercise over and over now don't be surprised and let it go and be like this is the best I can do right now don't be surprised if you wake up the next morning and you need to forgive again some things take more time to forgive but the process is really powerful he has more in the book about it it's really useful really helpful yes how important is it to reconcile with the person in actuality if they're not dead is it enough to reconcile with them and it kind of a new way or is it important to go to them if they're not dead, if they're alive it's really helpful and I always say that you can always say you're sorry it cuts and diffuses so many problems you know so we have a big in lo jong teaching's mind training we have a one of the verses of the eight verses of mind training it's a very profound text it has a section that says offer the victory to others now when we're dug in and I know I'm right and this guy's a jerk there's no way I'm going to do it so you can keep it fueled the adversity where does that get anybody really painful I find so there's times and I know one time at a center I was running the center a woman came for retreat for a few weeks very unhappy with whatever we did she just wasn't a happy person railed on all the staff ended up needing to talk to the director about how unhappy her time was came in to talk to me and we had a really good staff and so I spoke to her but right in the beginning I just said to her I didn't think we had done anything wrong personally but I did apologize to her sincerely that I was really sorry it was not the experience that she was hoping to have and I was very sorry if we contributed to any of that and I really meant that not that I thought we contributed to any of it but I really meant like whatever her experience was and it totally defused the whole she wanted she came in and wanted to fight with me that was how she goes through space and I said I am truly sorry and I said a couple times that this was not the experience and you know if you want your money back you can have your money back well she wasn't expecting you know she was like what do you say to that what can you say so it just stopped her in her tracks and I have had some people where I did say sincerely apologizing and they threw the words back at me still angry but later that day I noticed something shifted and suddenly they're giving me like a little gift like it shifts the energy unbelievably to apologize and then if it's possible to do a remedial action if you feel you need it you know you broke something of the person's in anger and you know buying them a new dish or buy them flowers I just felt like I wanted to make a peace offering you know I've had people do that and that can be a nice gesture as well not as necessary apologizing I find is so much cuts the tension and then sometimes you see them on the other side yeah I'm sorry too you know I was just sitting in my head and I had a terrible weekend and suddenly there's connection positive connection so let's finish there and I want to mention if you would like more of this we have a night at the catamount in St. John'sbury tomorrow night I know that people from Montpelier don't drive anywhere so I'm well as that's far so when I lived I lived in Vermont for five and a half years at Milarepa Center and I had come from California I'm from Philadelphia I'm not from California but I lived in California many years and in California everybody drives too much so you have that extreme in Vermont nobody wants to drive anywhere and at night you know the roads are dark and then there's animals and so I kind of was getting used to it and I was like it's just an hour over that's 45 minutes like what's the problem anyway St. Jay but we are having a weekend retreat Friday evening to Sunday afternoon at Milarepa that will definitely deliver a deeper level of a lot of our philosophy with more meditation if you'd like to join us for that fantastic pilgrimage I unfortunately have one I forgot to bring my cards but my website's on here amymiller.com if you want to see what I'm doing because there's another retreat on the Hudson at Garrison Institute the following weekend in New York if you want to come down and have an experience like that the path of joy but a lot of other activities I'm also teaching in western Massachusetts on my way south and southern Vermont Grafton after here so this is a pilgrimage I'm leading in May 2020 I led the last one last October and we had a wonderful group of people to go to this remote retreat center called Laudo I've done a lot of retreats there it's in the Mount Everest region of Nepal and we actually trek in Nepal so you have the magnificent scenery and then we do a three day retreat at the retreat center that's optional so if you're not a particular Buddhist if you want to bring a non-buddhist with you and explore, it's beautiful and then I take people on a day outing in Kathmandu to some holy places that I like and you get the whole bustle of the Kathmandu experience complete with our, you know, masks because it's very polluted there and things and then we'll also have a day outing in the area of Laudo around the mountains there to see some very holy places there of many and I know many of the people there so we're going to be visiting some friends of mine and it's very special to be in Nepal experience with a more spiritual aspect please consider come up, if you'd like come up and take a photo of this and then you also have my website and all the details, the itineraries on my website I can't stress enough how wonderful I know it costs money it's not cheap but it's really worthwhile and everything's taken care of for you so I do hope to see you again and I want to thank you so much for joining us this evening and anything else you wanted me to say thank you so much thank you please be kind, that's the most important please be kind to yourself and then we'll be kind to all others thank you so much and so may we dedicate in closing as our other little book and to our motivation whatever positive energy we've created from this time together may we invest it in helping our minds be more peaceful and opening our hearts so we can reach a place of full awakening and be of the most benefit to all living beings thank you so much thank you