 Smile, use pepsidon twice a day. See your dentist twice a year. Lever Brothers Company presents the pepsidon show, My Friend Irma, created by Si Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane. On West 73rd Street in New York City. From my window I can look out on Central Park and right now it's covered with snow. I can see the squirrel scampering up and down the trees looking for nuts. Now if I, Jane Stacey, were a squirrel, I wouldn't have to scamper up and down trees searching for nuts. Why? Because I live with Irma Peterson, 115 pounds of squirrel food. Now don't get me wrong, I love her. It's just that the things she does are, well they're just not average. For instance, the other morning, she left for work with a pillow under her arm. Irma? Yes, Jane? What's the idea? Mr. Clyde says that ever since I've been working for him, he's been hitting his head against a stone wall and I don't want him to hurt himself. And that's the way it goes with Irma. Day in, day out. And lately it's getting even worse. You see, she's walked out on her old boyfriend and her new one seems to have walked out on her. So right now she is positively manless. This morning I happened to glance through her diary and it's really a saga of despair. For instance, her entry for January 8th reads, on the 11th all had the same notation. And on January 12th, January 14th, I quickly closed the diary. But I can't help being a little apprehensive about the effect all this will have on her work at the office. To judge Warren B. Falsy appellate court, Kings County, New York. Got that? Yes, Mr. Clyde. Then where is your notebook? I'm sorry. Oh, here it is. I'm ready now. Good. To judge Warren B. Falsy appellate court, Kings County, New York. In the matter of the judgment rendered by you in the Harrison cave. Miss Peterson. Huh? Where's your pencil? Oh, gosh, I forgot it. Here. Take mine. Now let's get this letter out. To judge Warren B. Falsy. He isn't retired by this time. Appellate court, Kings County, New York. Where did you go on your honeymoon? Kings County, New Honeymoon. Honeymoon! Miss Peterson, what is this? What are you trying to do to me? I've got to get this letter out. I'm sorry, Mr. Clyde. I was just wondering. You can go ahead. Well, thank you. To judge Warren B. Falsy appellate court, Kings County, New York. In the matter of... How many children do you have? In the matter of... children. Miss Peterson, I have two children and they both hate me. Do you know why? I'll tell you why. Because when I get through talking with you and go home, I'm a mad man. That's why. What are their names? Look, Miss Peterson, I can take your inefficiency, but I'm not going to sit here and give dictation to a lovesick moonstock stenographer. Now please go home and don't come back until you recover your senses. All right. No, no, don't you dare stay away that long. Come back tomorrow. In front of the church? It's a wedding. Who's getting married? I don't know. Some man and woman, I suppose. The way it should be. Tia, I wonder where they're going on their honeymoon. I don't know. I'm just driving them to Grand Central Station. It's a funny place to spend a honeymoon. Oh, well, when you're in love, I guess one place is as good as another. Yeah. Gosh, look at all those cans tied on the back of the car. Doesn't the horn work? Sorry, lady. Here they come. Tia, everybody's throwing rice and shoes. Love and getting married and having children and me. I have no one. Tia, if I didn't have that appointment at the beauty parlor tomorrow, I'd kill myself. Where's your shoe? I couldn't help it, Jane. I saw a wedding. Everybody was throwing rice and shoes, so I threw mine. Well, look, honey, you'd better change your wet stockings before you catch pneumonia. All right, Jane. Tia, that wedding was so pretty. The bride and groom came down the steps followed by their four children. Honey, those were flower girls. Well, two of the girls were boys. They must have belonged to the husband. Swell. Irma, when are you going to snap out of this romantic tar pit you've sunken into? I don't know, Jane. Here I am, 23 years old, healthy and fairly attractive, and no one wants me. Like my boss always says, it's a shame I was born. Tia, it's not that bad. Come in. It's only me, Professor Kropatsky. Hello, Jane. You know, Irma, my two little buzzing bees. One sweet like honey, from the other you get stung. Why, Professor? Oh, excuse me, Irma. A little joke I picked up from a man with the hives. Come on in, Professor. Oh, you look so cold. Oh, I am. It's freezing in my room. Professor, you have the same type radiator in your room as we have in ours. That's right. I also have the same kind of windows, but in yours there's glass. By the way, Irma, have you seen Al lately? Al, please don't mention his name around me. To me, there is nothing as ugly as old love. That's right. And speaking of something old and ugly, have you seen Mrs. O'Reilly? I want to give her a piece of my mind. Why? I told her there's a hole in my wall, and the cold air was coming in. So she sends me up a picture of herself to cover the hole. Well, that's very nice of her. But I can't see any difference. They both give me the shivers. Irma, I know it's a sad story, but you don't have to cry. Well, I'm not crying for you. It's just that... Oh, Jane, I'm so miserable. Oh, honey, I know how you feel. And I also know the cure. There's nothing better for bolstering a woman's morale and having something new to wear. So why don't you run out and buy yourself a cute new hat? Do you think that'd help? Of course. All right, I'll get a black one because of my, my, my love for Alice is dead, and I want people to know I'm in mourning. Goodbye. Isn't it a shame, Professor? Of all the men in the world, she had to fall in love with a specialist, a man who has mastered the science of total unemployment. Yes, he's getting to be known as Uncle Sam's number one dependent. But he's never done me any harm, so I gave him a very good reference. Reference? Yes, in the mail the other day, I received a form. I don't know what it was for, but I recommended him. Who knows, maybe he's put in an application for retirement pension. Come in. Hello, Jane. Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. Oh, there you are, Professor. Did you receive me a picture? Yes, thank you. I hung it over the hole in my wall. Oh, so you kept out the draft? Oh, yes, and that pus of yours frightened away the mice. I'm a mongrel. No, no, no. Take it easy, Mrs. O'Reilly. Janey, Mrs. O'Reilly also got a form to fill out about El. Tell me, Mrs. O'Reilly, did you say something nice? Of course I did. I always say nice things about men. Well, that's because of your warm nature. Thank you, Professor, and don't forget I have a warm heart. Yes, and with all that heat, it's too bad that I had to melt your face out of shame. Oh, you must not, Miss Elma, you... No, let me tell you. Stop it, please, the two of you. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm having enough trouble trying to cheer Irma up without going through this sort of thing. Oh, I'm sorry, Janey. You are right. Poor Irma. Janey, if there's anything we can do, just let me know. I would do anything in my power to mend her broken heart. Come on, Mrs. O'Reilly. Maybe you'll slip down the stairs and I can mend yours at the same time. Yes, Richard. How nice of you to call. What? What is El up to? Well, I don't know. Why do you ask? Oh, someone wrote you for references, too, and you gave him a good recommendation? You put down that he's a sure winner. Richard, how could you say that about El? Oh, as long as he never loses that coin with the two heads, he'll always be a sure winner. Yes, I see what you mean. Yes, dear, I'll see you tonight. Goodbye. Hello, Jane. No, I ain't expected, but would like to have a few words with you. Well, all right, El. What's on your mind? Well, it's about me and chicken. I tried to forget her, but it's no use. The other day I was in a Turkish bath and I saw her face in the steam room. It's gotta stop. She don't belong in places like that. Well, you have my sympathy, El, but you brought it on yourself. There's nothing I can do about it. Well, I know. And that's why I have taken such drastic steps. What do you mean? Jane, you'll probably think I've gone berserk, but felt I had to do something spectacular. So I did a crazy thing. What? Jane went out and got myself a job. You said that many times. Yeah, Jane, but this is on a level. I'm working from nine to six, taking 15 minutes for lunch and putting every cent in the bank. Well, when did you start on the job? Tomorrow. I mean, that's what I'm gonna do. Now if chicken will only take me back. Well, Al, I don't know what to say. Here, I thought I told you. Oh, hold it, chicken. Look, the two of you. I had fireworks last 4th of July. I can wait till the next one, so you two have the ring to yourselves. Au revoir. Now I want you to go. Chicken, will you at least give me the courtesy of talking this over like two businessmen? All right, two businessmen. Good. Come sit on the sofa with me. Nothing doing, Al. We're out of that business. Please, chicken, you've got to listen to me. Ever since we've been separated, my life is, well, as you might say, my life is an empty shell. Without a nut, won't you please come back? No, Al. Pretty speeches will get you nowhere. You promised we'd be married in 1948, and I spent the whole year knitting a sweater for our first baby. I'm sorry, chicken. It's all right. It wouldn't have fit him anyways, unless he had three arms or a long neck. But, chicken, you ain't heard the good news. I'm starting a job tomorrow. I'm sorry. Don't you see, chicken, for you, I have committed social suicide. None of my friends will talk to me. No, Al, it's too late. You once lit a flame in my heart, but that's all over. I've gotten rid of my heartburn. Run the tip of your tongue over your teeth. If you feel a slippery coating, you have film on your teeth, and you need pepsident with irium to remove it. For film is worse than you think. Film collects stains that make your teeth look dull. Pepsident toothpaste removes film, makes your teeth look bright. Film harbors germs that cause unpleasing breath. Pepsident removes film, makes your breath fresh and clean. Film glues acid to your teeth. The very acid many dentists agree is the cause of tooth decay. Pepsident toothpaste removes film and the acids it contains. Film never lets up. It forms continually on your teeth. Yes, you have to fight film every day. So brush your teeth twice a day with pepsident toothpaste because no other toothpaste can duplicate pepsident's film-removing formula. No other toothpaste contains irium or pepsident's gentle polishing agent. So start now to fight film. Brush your teeth twice a day with pepsident, the toothpaste with an exclusive formula for removing film. I came back from shopping expecting to find Irma and Al contentedly languishing in each other's arms. But instead I found Irma alone in the kitchen, opening a can of strong heart. This can mean only one thing. Her love has gone to the dogs. Oh, you're crying, sweetie. Where's Al? I sent him away. I'm through with him. But honey, he said he had a job. Oh, how can you believe anything Al says? He once told me all his friends were blue bloods. Well, you should have known better than that. Oh, they were blue all right, but that was only because they were cold standing in the unemployment line. I know, sweetie, but maybe he's changed. Irma, I don't like to tell you how to live, but since you and Al broke up, you've been going around like a lovesick calf and it's beginning to affect me. What do you mean, Jane? Well, like this morning when you had Al on the brain and tried to pour my coffee. Oh, it's a natural mistake. I just forgot to give you a cup first. Honey, why kid yourself? You've got it so bad for Al. You don't know what you're doing half the time. That's ridiculous, Jane. How can you say a thing like that? Then for goodness' sake, stop trying to put those shoes on. But I can't go out barefooted. I know, honey, but it's a little difficult to put one pair of shoes on over another pair. Oh, dear. Excuse me, girls, it's only us again. Or Irma, I've been wanting to speak to you. Yes, we've been wondering. Did Al get the job? Yes, but it hasn't made any difference to me. I think some people can't change. They're beyond hope. That's exactly what the plastic surgeon told Mrs. O'Reilly. He did not. He just said that if he removed some of my chins, it would destroy the balance, and my head would keep tilting back. Well, then maybe you'd see that hole in my ceiling and fix it. Now, look, Professor, I don't want to be discussed in public. We came here to find out about Al. There's nothing to find out. I'm through with him. From now on, I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be gay. Well, get her. Yes, from now on men are just playthings. Goodbye. Where are you going? I'm going out to look at some toys. But, mushy, you don't understand. Chicken means everything to me. And without her, there's no point in me taking the job. But, Jay, Al, I'm your pal, but I don't know what to say. Well, in a case like this, there's only one man to call. Who else? Who else but... Hello, Joe. Al, got a problem. Want to get Irma back. Have tried everything. What's my move? Try getting her sympathy. It always works with your wife, huh? How, Joe? You leave just one dollar in your wallet? Well, how does that get her sympathy? Oh, she's sorry there ain't more. No, no, Joe, want something more clever? What can I do? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Thank you, Joe, and goodbye, noble friend. Any luck, Al? Yeah, Joe gave me a natural. I pretend I'm sick. You break the news to Irma, and she's got to come running over. It's what they call the maternal instinct. Well, I wouldn't know. I never seen my mother much. You see, she went straight. Don't waste any time. Get over and tell Irma I'm sinking fast. Leave it to me, pal. Hello, lady. Are you Chicken Peterson? No, I'm Jane Stacey. Good. I'm mushy. Well, thanks, but I'm not in the mood. What do you want? Al is sick. Sick? When did this happen? Quite sudden. He's in his hotel room, laying on the couch. Sick as a duck. Well, is he really helpless? Yes, indeed. Well, did you take his pulse? Look, Merce, he's my pal, and when a guy is laying helpless, I ain't gonna swipe, Martin. I tell you, he needs his chicken. Well, if he's that sick, maybe I'd better run over. No, no, no. He don't want you. I mean, you're liable to catch it. He wants his chicken. Well, couldn't she catch it? Well, it wouldn't show on her. You see, Al has chickenpox. Who do you think you're kidding? I know what Al is up to. Come in. Hello, Jane. Am I intruding? Oh, not at all, Richard. Mr. Mushy, would you mind waiting outside a minute? Not at all. Hey, Mr., did you go to Harvard? Yes, I did. I thought so. Didn't you study criminology? Why, yes, but I can't seem to place you. You can't. You don't understand it. I was case number 604, remember? You and your class visited us. I'll be waiting, lady. Richard, don't look so startled. Al is up to one of his tricks. He's pretending he's sick, so Irma will go over and nurse him. Well, Jane, it's not of my business, but it seems to me that Irma was much happier when she was going with Al. And since he now has a job, maybe if she goes to him, they'll patch up their quarrel. You mean we should let her think he really is sick? If that'll bring him together, it's worth a try. The girl's cracking up. I saw her talking to herself, and that's the last person she should be talking to. Well, maybe you're right. Hello, Irma. Irma, honey, I have a message for you from Al. His friend, Mushy, is outside. Oh, is that who that man is? Yes, Al is sick, and he wants to see you right away. Oh, my poor Al, sick. And he was looking forward so much to keeping his new job. Yes, yes, his sudden illness must be a tragic disappointment. Well, Irma, what are you going to do? Do. Naturally, I'm going right down there and nursing back to health. After all, his mother is 65 and not in the right mind, and I'm the only one who can take her place. I'm closer, chicken. I'm sinking fast. I'm right beside you, Al, honey. Take my hand, chicken. Like this? Uh-huh. Now put my arm around you. All right. Thanks. I'm so weak, I can hardly breathe. Neither can I. You're squeezing me so hard. Chicken, you're crying. Oh, no, Al, when you squeezed me, I spilled some of the soup I brought you. Soup? For me? Chicken, you didn't have to do that. Sandwiches and hard-boiled eggs would have been good enough. You'd better take it while it's still hot. Thanks, chicken. And when I get better, I'm going right back to work. Even if it takes years. Richard, do you think we did the right thing, leading Irma to believe Al is really sick? You know, Jane, my conscience is beginning to bother me too. Excuse me. Hello? You might as well know the truth. There's nothing wrong with Al. He was never sick. Never? What did you put in that soup? Nothing. Fully recovered, but Irma happened to ask him when he was going to start to work, and that gave him the fastest relapse you've ever seen. Irma? Yes, Jane? When do you think Al will be well enough to go back to work? Well, he is going the first thing tomorrow morning. What made him decide so suddenly? I don't know. I walked into his room with another bowl of homemade soup, and he jumped off the stove and said he was all better. Oh, sometimes I think there's a spark of genius in the mind of my friend Irma. Yes, Irma? Uh, you aren't angry with me? Honey, if I put my mind towards staying angry with you would be a full-time job, and I haven't the strength. Well, uh, do you want me to do it now? Do what? Curl your hair. What on earth are you talking about? Well, remember last night when we had words that I don't remember just which ones? But you said Irma, someday you're going to put a permanent curl on my hair. So should I do it now? Those notions you rave about, I don't know. Oh, Jane, that's just it. Yes, ladies. Now you can take the guesswork out of home permanent waving with rave. The new personalized home permanent. A brand new member of the great Pepsidon family. The famous Pepsidon lever laboratories proudly present rave. The new improved home permanent that eliminates guesswork. Only with rave, you get the easy-to-use dial-a-wave chart. Your guide to the one right wave for your kind of hair. You'll find a rave wave is gentler, easier, up to twice as fast as the old-type home permanence. A rave wave is long-lasting, yet softer, more natural-looking from the very first day. Make your next permanent a personalized rave home permanent. It has been granted the good housekeeping seal and has been accepted for advertising in the journals of the American Medical Association. A complete rave kit is only $2. Rave refill kit, $1. Both kits contain the exclusive dial-a-wave chart. On sale for the first time today. Get yours at your favorite drug or cosmetic counter. My friend Irma is produced and directed by Cy Howard and stars Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane. Park Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams and Roland McClain and it is brought to you by Pepsidon Toothpaste with Aureum, another fine product of Leiva Brothers' company. Part of that was played by John Brown. Hans Kahn read as Professor Kropotkin. Gloria Gordon was heard as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music was under the direction of Ludluskin. This is Wendell Niles speaking. The RISK Brisk Flavor. That's what you get in Lipton tea. Yes, brisk flavor that picks you up brings you back alive in a hurry. Brisk flavor that comes from Lipton's very special blending of the finest orange pico and pico teas. Try it. You'll find that this brisk flavor of Lipton's leaves you refreshed and ready to go again. And you can enjoy it often because even wonderful tea like Lipton's costs less than any drink except water. Always ask for Lipton tea, the brisk tea with that heartwarming Lipton lift. Tune in one hour earlier next week and listen to the Lux Radio Theater followed by the Pepsidon show, My Friend Irma. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.