 Good morning. Good afternoon and good evening to each of you It is absolutely my pleasure to introduce to you for the consciousness and healing initiative webinar none other than a dear friend a colleague and Just an incredible being Reverend Tiffany Bar-Sody. I'm gonna tell you a little bit about Tiffany And then also Tiffany love for you to share with us some of your background for those of you Who might have caught Tiffany in the reuniting science and spirituality summit that we did Last year you got it to get a sense of her but Tiffany comes with such an incredible background. She's a healer She's a spiritual counselor. She's a scientist. She did her training among many places at Holos University Directly with Norm Shealy and Carolyn miss So she comes to us with a background in medical intuition in training with the Biowell And has really been forwarding the field for many decades both as a practitioner and a scientist Tiffany It's lovely to have you on board with us today. Thank you so much Thank you. So many and thank you for creating such an amazing robust platform for us all to learn from each other It's it's very meaningful and this is the direction I think that we all need to be going in to support So yeah, thank you. It's really great. It's a lot of fun for me because you know I get to learn from my friends and share their wisdom with friends It's it's really incredible the confluence of wisdom that we have in the community And so thank you for being part of that and today a very timely topic As we approach holiday season and the busyness of life around the season and the joy and the agony all of it We're gonna be talking about moving from drama into empowerment and tell us more about this So some people here may be familiar with the and Steven Cartman in 1968 came up with this design essentially by being as a psychiatrist Tapping into family dynamics and mostly dysfunctional family dynamics And so he coined the phrase of the drama triangle and there have been different versions that have been out there Proposed by different people, but pretty much If if some people who studied psychology get this in their training and some people don't so I don't know like who actually gets this Kind of training I did it holos and I was very frustrated with it So it gives you the and I'll share slides in a little bit but it's the the victim rescuer and persecutor and What it's essentially saying is is that that if you're on one part of the triangle then you're bouncing around and going to different parts of the triangle and So it's like this I call it a seductive loop of dysfunction and also the insaneness of sameness because you end up just creating this sort of loop effect and Honestly, I mean that's how our emotions are created as well from when we're children. So this dynamics continues to play itself Everybody gets in their role, but they don't stay in their role. They switch back and forth so, you know somebody who's been the rescuer long enough usually gets pissed off and It starts to you know, put them in the persecutor role And so you end up bouncing around and then the victim gets their their panties in a watch And I say about getting upset about things when they can't control Another way of also saying about the drama triangle is it's the blame game in the control game So many of us are looking for places to blame and control Because it feels awful to have taken full responsibility For everything that that happens But that's kind of the need is for us to take a deeper look at ourself, you know My tagline is know thyself heal thyself, right? So this is great And did you mention that you have some kind of a graphic that you wanted to show us that kind of takes us through this I think that would be helpful because you know you named a lot of Different aspects of being on the drama triangle and you know, I've had the the pleasure of like kind of experiencing This full teaching with you at some of the free your energy transform your life workshops that we've done Um, I love that visual and so it might be cool to bring it up on screen just to make sure we're all Following along I thought I knew where to go and the shares is just saying for me to share the event. So how do I Oh interesting I don't seem to be able is jason in here with us to help jason is um Although his ability probably to help us with the screen share at this moment Might be difficult. How else can I do this? Let's see Oh you guys i'm sorry Well, I'll tell you what if the screen share is a problem then um, what we can do Of course offer the handouts to everybody after the webinar so we can show it to people that way No problem. Okay, so that's an ask question That's really strange because we've done this before and I've had there's an option to share Yeah, usually when you go to the top of your screen. Yeah, good. Okay, great. Okay application window Let's do this And I wonder if it's gonna There we go. We can see it. Yeah, should I go into presentation mode or is this okay? I think this is fine Um, yeah, I think this is fine because we can see you and we can see this beautiful graphic that you've got here So you've got here the drama triangle blame and control game. Yep, right So I've I've been working with this for a number of years now and like I have my own version of this I've Like I mentioned in school we were taught this But I was so incredibly frustrated and I'd love to hear from some of the other People who are trained in psychology and in your training. Did you get this training at all shamanic? We never got into the drama triangle and all that, you know I graduated from the joint doctoral program at ucsdsd. It was a very very cognitive behavioral therapy Influenced program. In fact, actually I was I pushed to do my internship training with steve hickman and mindfulness at that time It was a new thing So that'll kind of give you an idea of you know, a lot of the training programs don't go into these aspects But so helpful, you know to learn Yes, truly and you're such a pioneer having done that so early on So the the drama triangle like I said from steven cartman in 1968 and the way that he was He was also a transactional analysis therapist So he was very much looking at the behavior of people and the roles that they play Um internal family systems also do role playing, you know, there's a whole gestalt that sort of goes with this um I cleaned up this slide because as you know, you've seen it and i'm i'm going to be sharing it with all of the The chi audience as well As a handout and it's it's a lot to go through so what i'm going to do is just sort of establish some of these roles So that we can recognize when we are on this because the whole point Is to recognize and catch willingness is in a step number one Because the willingness is we're already willing. We're having this conversation. You're here reading this. You're hearing this The willingness is there Then the next thing is about the awareness. The awareness is really Can be a pain because we can continue being aware of our What choices we're making the relationships that we're keeping etc But now becoming aware of exactly the dynamic the things that we might say the things that might be the tipping point That actually put us on the drama triangle. So the victim is you know, the essentially all of what needs to happen here is appropriate boundaries and This is all a game of manipulation Everybody is in their role and they are comfortable in their role And that's the exchange of places sometimes that causes also the the tension that can emerge But essentially what we want to do is ask ourselves some questions So when you feel yourself, I know I know I have caught myself being in the victim role like saying certain things like Why is this happening to me again? what you know that that's a That's a victimizing To myself statement like what what if I What did I do it's that's a more empowering statement? What did I do to Get in this position because now we're asking another question But like why do I always or why do you always? It's you know, that puts us on this victim kind of angle essentially What we want to do is ask a question But the victims usually are less self-reflective So i'm going to move over to the rescuer in order to illustrate a point here The rescuer and the the victim often play hand in hand The rescuer gets to be in a jump and feel that there's oh there's security within that there's a lot of codependency And most of us there's a lot of healers that are part of the chi community and I like to describe ourselves I'll just include myself in this but I see it a lot also in the community that we're recovering codependence or need to be recovered here And the empathy go ahead To believe it or not there are many people in the community that don't really understand what codependence means So could you offer, you know for those who are less familiar with the term? Sure, what do what do we mean by codependence exactly? So it means that we're putting everybody else's needs ahead of our own and then judging our value against how well did that go With that exchange of a person. That's a very simple simple way of saying it codependency has a lot of And what we tend to do is Um figure out. Oh that I got some like Good girl from that kind of behavior that I did, you know, I I don't mean to push any buttons But I do tend to do that sometimes churches the way they're set up are very codependent You feel like if you do something within the church that some good will come back to you So that's a another kind of relationship. I've seen it in many healing groups that I've been a part of We need you to be in this role and this is your job for no pay no exchange No exchange of energy even just like like this is this is what you're doing because this is what your community means So so would it be safe to say like codependence is also kind of a transactionally based relationship Where you're putting your worth based on what you're doing for others? Correct So there's there's there's um self-worth things that are going on here that is that are driving that behavior Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So long as you do this and I do this then I know I'm in my right job I actually have as part of the slides sort of the mindset and the things that we say to ourselves So, um, I'll drop down to persecutor here in a moment and right now and then I'll move to that slide because I think it'll be very helpful to discuss sort of the narrative the story that we tell ourselves Because the whole point of this is to have awareness about cut. It's so pervasive and it's so in our operating system And it's going to take conscious choice in order to get out of this Map so to speak, but it's a map to know where good. It is not the holy grail. In fact I make the the triangle in this angle so that it looks like a vortex going downward because it's a loss of energy And meanwhile when we get into the empowerment or surrender triangle, it's going the other way So I'll illustrate that in a moment the persecutor is somebody who's always angry And they control the conditions by their emotional over outbursts usually anger outbursts And ultimately it's part of the same manipulation in the game But you know, especially you'll see a lot where the victim and the persecutor Are are getting into it because neither one of them can be wrong Neither one of they have a very difficult time taking responsibility for the position that everybody is in in that moment So that becomes a real line of tension Oftentimes you will see children Come in and be the rescuer mom and dad are fighting And kids will come in and like please please make up because kids always think that everything is their fault So this is a lot where codependence will also start to really take hold Because we see oh Mom might may have see what you're doing to the to the baby see what you're doing to our kid Or the dad may say that as well So you're setting up this sort of exchange and it's learned behavior So if the parents stop fighting there's a reward in that for the child that that just intervened And that's still a no win situation But what we grow up learning is that that pattern and habit worked It stopped the fighting the outburst Yes, sometimes it doesn't always because somebody who's let let's say a narcissist and and is a persecutor They they usually need something else. By the way, let me just say that the narcissist also needs some empathy Usually what breeds narcissists narcissism is a lack of nurturing nurturing by mother So there's there's a whole line within that but let me let me move to the next thing here Because this is where the narrative is so the role of victim is like poor me I need somebody to do something for me on a regular basis so that I can feel good What the victim ultimately needs to ask themselves is what do I need? And the exchange between the the victim and the rescuer the more empowered Conversation is instead of the rescuer jumping in to go fill that need Is to say Ask the victim when they're being in that place. What do you need? And oftentimes the response will be From the victim I need you to behave differently to go and wash all my laundry wash, you know, whatever Sometimes Like So there's this And that's where the the kind of almost a blame comes in I need you to do this in order for me to feel better And that's that's where it's also gets very seductive So what's happening inside the mind of the victim is that they're avoiding what they don't want to experience in themselves But they don't know that this game So far And what really going on deep in is that they're scared. They're oppressed They're feeling helpless and powerless to do anything and sometimes there's A little they're ashamed, but they're also proud that they've been able to get people to do things for them So it's a it's an interesting kind of Dynamic and conundrum that plays within the mind of of being the victim The secondary gain is that they don't have to take responsibility for themselves Are their behavior or choices and it's much easier to blame So let's say a more empowered exchange would be If the victim and rescuer in that back and forth I need you to go do all my grocery shopping for a week and it's terribly inconvenient, but the rescuer says I I need you. Why do you need me to do that? Well, because I can't do it I'm I'm got this going on this going on this going on Well, if it's not convenient In a person's life and we're trying to do something obligate out of obligation. That is the first clue to know Just you we have to learn this very powerful word of no because it's an appropriate boundary that needs to be said at times So then this this sort of back and forth what can happen is I'm sure you can figure it out I'm not going to be the one that solves it for you this time And then, you know, it's like wow this enabled behavior all of a sudden is going to shift and change So there's going to likely be some tension. So we just have to You know it reminds me a lot of you know, kind of a parent-child relationship in that to that degree where the kid is saying You know, it's a young kid who's scared to do something or doesn't want to do and I can't do it I don't know how I don't you know and as a parent you say I believe in you I know you can do this It sounds very similar. And yes, we see these dynamics play out in adulthood as well, right? So I mean Right. So basically, you know, one of the things if we start exploring this as dynamics I know you've said Tiffany We're all of these things at different times and in different situations, right? Because it's all it's very much a dynamic And in these aspects of our personalities will come out in different situations So is it safe to say then sometimes we'll recognize ourselves as the victim or the persecutor or the rescuer? Absolutely absolutely 100% because you actually and that's the whole thing is you want to be able to recognize that you're acting in a persecuting way We don't just stay in our corner. We move around So in in that that it's um example that you just gave about a child The example you gave is the child being the victim. I can't do this. I need you to do this for me Well, sometimes moms will jump in because it's where they feel like, oh my gosh, I'm of value This is I'm really having a bonding with my kid You're bringing me back to last night when I was working with Suhani on her homework Absolutely, and I noticed that tendency in myself to jump in and rescue absolutely and it's natural It's natural, but we've gotten nurturing a bit mixed up with rescuing and to have the conversation of trust Which is so essential There's there's a whole other thing we could do on trust that is having to do with the inner child Between the ages of an 11 and 14 A very important conversation really ideally would be had But with the child and parents to say I believe in you and I trust you and all the decisions you make are for you not for me So anyway, that's that's getting off point, but I'll continue on here So the persecutor in the narrative is that it's all your fault the victim can play in that too These are all very interchangeable So it's and it's controlling like pushing everybody's buttons in order to get a rise Somewhere along their path. They they usually learned that if I pushed enough buttons and people They would get the attention that they want So that becomes how they start to Interact in a dynamic and especially in a family dynamic, but this shows up in politics this shows up in our business relationships this shows up in our friendship relationships It it can show up in any type of relationships And it's really interesting as you watch kids grow up and go through this too And if they had this is sort of a map because we don't need to stay on this triangle in fact That's we need to get off of it So the the punishing um, the the persecutor is is really into punishing And they're punishing because they didn't get their way And one of the empowering questions to ask ask the persecutor is what are you so angry about What has you so upset and they usually just fume a little bit more But there's something that starts to have a reflection if you ask it enough and both the victim and the rescuer can ask the Persecutor until the persecutor starts asking it of themselves. What am I so mad at what the heck is going on here? And then usually just even in in inviting that question We can start to bring on the awareness of oh That thing happened it reminded me of this and then it was a triggering of events that made a catalyst of You know this explosion So that blaming righteousness superiority authoritative they feel if they're not in that role that they are weak Unenabled and this can also take on a kind of a bullying type of Frame of mind mindset and the experience of it to another person So we want to be able. Oh, this is this is weird Some of my um my new Something didn't update It's still it's still relevant that the persecutor Has this I need to assert my power I have to prove that i'm right because my worthiness is based on me being correct And I need to have your power too usually So it's like this kind of overtaking of power and control and I have to prove that i'm better And that I deserve to be in this like high and mighty Authoritative position this can be men and women. I've seen women Do do this as equally as men so the rescuer is let me help you and if you It's this idea that obviously if I can come to your rescue that you're that they're going to feel better about themselves And they also feel guilty that if they don't coat of somebody's rescue So that's a very interesting Kind of dynamic that we can watch in ourselves It's very subtle how this can be played out And essentially what they're doing is they're dodging looking into their own issues the things that are Bringing up their anxieties the things that that trigger them into a response And the way I also describe anxiety is that it's a lot of emotions that have led to anxiety Not anxiety. It's a single emotion. So this is um It's an important thing to tease out that there's usually because the rescuer will get Really angry and it's like that you know Eileen calls it the stuff and blow right that it's just Bringing in and bringing in and then And that will oftentimes be the the rescuer So we're talking a lot about I'm sorry to interrupt that it sounds like a lot of this is undigested emotion um a lot of behavior patterns that come out of A sense of worthiness, you know being on you know, kind of Related to what others think or do or don't do Right and so so those are some of the things and now you're also teaching us that we can Recognize these patterns in ourselves by looking at the narrative that we're telling ourselves So when we're getting into the narrative of blaming others or we're getting in the narrative of needing to jump in and fix things Or we're getting into the narrative of you know poor me Um, that gives us a sense that we're somewhere on this triangle I Show me Let me close message over to hide here. Oh, do we lose we lost her? I can't tell i'm going to stop sharing so I can see what's happened How do I stop sharing one sec? Uh-oh Okay, maybe she'll come back in Can I get a thumbs up if people are still hearing me? I can hear you, but so many is frozen. Okay, great. Thank you Okay, so I'm going to continue. Maybe there's a way of reloading the the video Okay, cool. She'll come back in And I'm going to go back into here technology Sometimes Do we get us all back? Okay, maybe not All right, what I wanted to say here in addition to I really am interested in in hearing show me's point Is that it ultimately this is the need to feel needed The need to feel wanted and we all have a need for belonging and the need to feel worthy And be in our role in life. It's just that this way of doing it is very It's dynamic, but it's not a healthy dynamic. So we want to make that transition Oh Yeah, hope so. Can you see me and hear me? I can't I can't yes. Yes. All good now. Yes. I am seen and heard Great. Thank you. I apologize for the technical difficulties. Usually we don't have them, but you know, it is uh Christmas time full moon and you know, who knows there's a lot of high energy running around. So Thank you everyone else for your patience Oh, and I also want to remind y'all those of you who are new to the platform We will leave some time for questions. So if you have a specific question for tiffani I'll invite you to go down to where it says ask a question And you can type it in and if you see something that someone else wrote that's almost exactly what you wanted to ask You can upvote it and I will go to the questions at the end and and make sure to ask a question for tiff But tiff, thank you. Yes. So you're you're showing us the blame and control games here with the victim persecutor and rescuer Yeah, so I think we pretty well covered this and you were hearing that part too This is way too busy of a slide This is just an example of what you'll get when we send the email so that you can know What questions you need to ask and funny enough I have families that I'm about to give you the solution as well and to give you a little story about how this came to be but the I have families that take two copies from me the front and the back of my handout And they oftentimes will have their kids run to the refrigerator where they have it put up And it's like mommy. You're here or We've talked about doing that here at home as well. In fact, I did put it on the refrigerator. Someone took it off That's funny. You maybe put a camera on that one Excuse me So i'm just going to move into some of the solution as well because What I like to say here is our mission But we choose to accept it is to move towards conscious choice And that really is getting into more of an empowered space and I also want to um dislodge any uh Kind of misnomer ideas about what surrender is and I've got a slide for us to discuss on that too But I just there's Surrender can be a trigger word for people and it's just been interesting to observe that in people So your choice is to become empowered and inspired actually because this is really about it taking inspired action so the idea is to get off of the drama triangle And stay on the surrender triangle now. Let me back up for a moment because I mentioned already I was in school We learned about the drama triangle But there weren't solutions off of it We did loads and loads of processes But we don't always have time to process things right then and there It's like, you know, I have a journal filled with things. I need to be processing but We need also some easy off ramps on ramps and off ramps to be able to get out of these kind of triggered environments So one day in a total fit I just screamed to the high heavens and I was like what the expletive Is the key to get off the drama triangle? And I had to sit down with a notebook. I was actually sitting Having this conversation on my way to the car And I had a pen and paper in there because whoosh I got this Motherload of a download and it was first three steps Let go letting go does not mean to acquiesce power Letting go means to change your perspective to see it from a higher perspective So we have to let go of our current perspective in order to dawn a new one Having trust and faith that usually becomes a little bit of a a challenge for people because Around this time where we're in Being in the the drama of things our trust and faith doesn't feel like that's all together all that reachable But this is meant to be a crevasse that we start to cross and we learn better habits around So trust and faith also gets questions a lot here What ultimately especially if we were raised in a religious family What do I have trust and faith in because what I grew up in isn't necessarily my same belief system anymore So this requires a path of individuation To say who am I on this journey and truly what do I have trust and faith in that's an internal Going in I've got to answer that question And it there's a freeing from false securities that will ultimately fall out from that So this this part takes a little bit of work But we can immediately just keep these ideas in our mind about I need to let go of my current perspective I am not acquiescing my power quite the opposite actually because the most flexible person in the room Ultimately is the most conscious and is the one that does control the conditions Because they have the consciousness to be able to elicit the right responses super important And then we want to move towards empowered surrender. This whole journey is a journey to unconditional self-love And I love saying that we ultimately we need to learn to love learn to love to give love With the overflow of the love that we have for ourselves So this is the journey of self-love in order to take this first so that we can have the appropriate responses To ourselves to our loved ones, especially our kids because we don't want them learning Consistently the drama triangle. There's plenty of that out in the outer society That you're going to have time to parent against if you're not living the drama triangle in our homes Yeah, so and then the act of surrendering is really all about it's being inspired It's being able to say thank you not fuck you not just pay You're you're wanting to transcend you're moving towards A a new paradigm a new way of relating both to people and information And so it becomes our choice. How is it that we are going to respond within that? This is great, you know, it's it's just wonderful It's the movement as you articulated so beautifully, you know to surrender is not giving up control But expanding the sense of self to something that is broader So that you understand that the there's not as much need for ego control in the situation Which is what drives so much of the behavior in the in the drama triangle, right? Exactly Here's a question for you. This is the question I had for you before I got frozen, which is energetically Are there things that we can do like so we can notice for example when our thoughts are driving us or Reflecting a behavior pattern that's consistent with being on the drama triangle Are there things that we can do energetically and we tap into ourselves into our bodies that could help us understand Whether we're kind of in You know automatic reflexive drama triangle mode and are there things that we can do energetically To move us from the drama triangle to the surrender triangle to open ourselves up to this larger sense of self and wisdom trust and surrender Love the question One of the first things I like to teach that I do myself Excuse me is ground I'm I'm wanting to To be aware of my own container first Because the actions that we take we we've got dominion over so if we can remember to ground And I like to do grounding from my waist not my feet The feet are included and the legs are included but the whole trunk I like to envision a tree Where the whole trunk is literally the trunk and then the the root system is really at the waist So there's this deepening. They're just slowing down when we think of that. So energetically, I like to say put things in slow motion Because and this is where the awareness piece comes in because we will notice that we will how quick How fast we will fly To the same place because these are the way our neurons and our synapses have been communicating for our whole lives So just just to give ourselves the command leave it Like a dog command Drop it Calm space Just easy. So these are some energetic. These are, you know, kind of mantras you can say to yourself and The energetics because I don't I don't find that shields always work Especially if we're in a toxic. Yes, I use shields if I'm walking into a hospital. Yes, I use shields if I'm going into Um churches and different things like that where there's like a whole bunch of energy that likes to climb on But as far as like shielding from family where you've got so much of your emotional patterns that are playing in and with another person This is where I find that shields don't work Because there's a match there's a resonance and there's a resonance for the purpose of evolving and healing Um Yeah, so that's what I say is to ground be aware of my own container and then I'll use dog commands. Leave it drop it Just give space breathe Breathing becoming aware of your breath becoming aware of dropping in in that regard. Yes. That is absolutely essential essential That's beautiful. So there are ways that we can tap in energetically I I believe and here's the narrative here I'll quickly cover this so that we can get into some questions and answers After I give some just some key steps. Did you have something more you wanted to add to that? Sean? No, not at all. No, go go forth. Please. So What I'm calling the empowered surrender triangles because I I feel like it's surrender needs to have a little bit more understanding so that's just something that I've Realized that there's an importance with being able to Clarify what we mean by surrendering So it's actually the role when we are in the letting go Area when we're first getting on to the drama triangle is to realize that we are the change agent And there I bet you there's a bunch of what are the so-called black sheeps of the family that are part of this community And joined with us here today if you identify with that I do too But if you identify with that That is a role that I call the change agent in the family in the dynamic Because it's not meant to stay in the insane this of sameness We're meant to be the change agent and so to realize that we are being that change agent as we let go There's an empowerment piece that already starts to happen. It almost makes that leap a little bit easier What I'm explaining here isn't necessarily easy. It's just important and usually things that are important are always the easiest So the the narrative that we often tell ourselves is there's We're choosing a new possibility. We're choosing a new way of looking at something And there's the the letting go into like the mindset that we can dawn on Is letting that we're letting go in order to make new possibilities To make for us to reach for something new as a new idea to give ourselves a new experience So the experience can be breathe as as we said ground Use dog commands You want to give space and and be able to start asking Sometimes when we're really in the conundrum of things It's really difficult to begin an asking process because it all feels so impossible But that's ultimately where we're getting to because we're ultimately asking for a new perspective that isn't our habit yet Great point. Yeah Yeah So we're just essentially loosening that that dysfunctional bondage We're we're getting loose of the ties the lassos that have been Around our necks and ankles that pull pull us right into the drama of situations So the the establishing trust and faith is actually being that change agent It's taking action and this is this is a practice of grace This is something where we and what I actually like to use is the phrase of grace space and boundaries so that We are being more in the state of grace. We're not going to get there right away But it can all of a sudden there's a group of women that I work with in my office and all of a sudden the The things that are happening where it's just like wow, they would have never chosen that before But all of a sudden it's just like they're just totally operating from love And what a beautiful place. So it's about making new habits. There's trust and faith and it's it really is the practice And you're challenging a status quo You're challenging yourself in your own status quo And you're challenging the dynamic of how it's played out in the past in the status quo So you're getting free from the trap You're finding that new grounding and new footing and new your new your container and how it is that you respond Remember every thought creates a hormone, right? So everything that we are interacting with creates a whole cascade of information that is now disseminated throughout the body or the body to deal with is it cortisol? Is it adrenaline? Is it where you're being shut down and you don't have any dopamine running? There's no oxytocin. There's no connection You know, all of these hormones are definitely part of our response system So if we change the way we feel we will also feel more empowered and being that change agent is being that inspired person being at that pinnacle is Help me Help me to to connect. I can't do this by myself Help me to have Awareness because I cannot do this alone So that's that asking part and usually after we've been on this for a little bit We will figure out that that's where the gray space and boundaries come we feel empowered We feel the ability to make conscious choice and ultimately feeling connected and inspired I love it. It's beautiful. Thank you so much because you've hit on something I think that is so important for us to recognize when we're on the drama triangle You cannot get off of it by will not at least not by just pure will I don't know if you would maybe you won't agree with me on that tip, but You know, it's it's a letting go right? So it's a letting go and there's gray space and boundaries and part of the grace aspect is You know that letting go aspect recognizing that you can't control the situation You can't control the other person It's not your job to do so and that's actually not the way to shift the dynamic You cannot impose a shift of a dynamic by your will It's it's the wills in the conglomeration of wills that have created the problem in the first place Yes, exactly. And and when we talk about surrender This is just the the piece that everybody will get I'm not expecting anybody to read it here But when we talk about surrender, this is the the slide I put together for us for discussing For the it's thy will Thy will be done But we we put that with some religiosity and it makes us feel Less than empowered. So it's this interesting dynamic that we're I think we're very much We're in the time now where people are waking up to How is it that I want to respond and I want to have consciousness around this But yet I'm still triggered. It's something very real And let me also say the healthy use of anger Is to set boundaries the healthy use of anger we want anger comes up because Usually some boundary within us was just crossed And we don't even necessarily even realize that that's what just happened And that there's an appropriate response to actually Get angry about that now we want to catch it while we're realizing Oh, that's what just happened and then we want to go for Setting appropriate boundaries where needed without necessarily the emotion of anger necessarily tied to it because that's just going to create more of that dynamic as well Yeah, that that makes a lot of sense and that's where the grounding, you know, and taking some space really helps so that you can Recognize the anger utilize it as the driving force to set a boundary where needed But make sure you're doing that once you've actually processed the emotion and let it go I mean for the most effective things again, you know, depends on the situation, right? If someone's attacking you in the street, you've got to respond right then and you know move forward, but exactly This is not about laying down. This is about using appropriate skill And the appropriate consciousness and responses in situations Not just being from an old Reacting from an old reactive pattern So that's great. That's exactly right. So this is interesting. I The surrender misconception when I was Yeah, I've been working on this for a long time But I've been playing with the the definition of surrender and I think we need a new one Um, that the typical one when you look up in in any dictionary Is the cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority? Well, that's very much a wartime kind of definition And it's interesting especially when we think about the politics and the drama triangle How much that keeps us in wartime? mm-hmm There is a lack of consciousness and and there there's a whole interesting thing with some of the history that We don't really have time to get into now. I will also just as a to put it out there I will be teaching a course that will be ongoing. So I'm just creating the modules for it now for Helping people with the drama to the surrender to empowered surrender triangles fantastic Yeah, so that'll be launching in january and then I'll hold monthly webinar suit so that I can always answer Do q&a and deal with real live? Situations so that we're being empowered to make no choices. So just just as an aside um But this wartime idea the reason why I was bringing that up is because there's a An interesting story around the drama triangle and what we learned in the cold war About how it was that all of us within our entire continent or countries were totally aware of what We thought was going on but when you put everybody in the room that wasn't have anything to having anything to do with Actually the war but just were the civilians dealing with it They had a totally different take So anyway that that'll be a story. I because yeah, it's interesting. We don't recognize how much Sometimes our our culture informs even our science as you know We've had lots of discussions about the how we've conceived the immune system by using war wartime metaphors And how limiting it is right to take that way Exactly. So surrender from a bible perspective Of religious or in spirituality or religion This is the the definition I found it means that a believer completely gives up his or own will and subjects his thoughts ideas Indeeds to the will and teachings of a higher power. It just it went on and on and on To a higher power surrender is a willful acceptance. There's that will work And yielding to a dominating force and their will so Our will in that where is our ability to make choices? And this is also what I think it's um kind of hung up in in vows And when we take vows, that's it just feels like we're just falling falling into somebody else's will So as a theologian, I have a whole teaching on Vows to values to virtue, right, but that's that's that's another talk What I am proposing here for our discussion as we move towards the age of grace Which is something I'm coining for for us to move into Is we need more inclusivity as a notion of surrender that we have The ability to make empowered surrender means that we can operate from an individuated mindset As well as a group mind That's a sense of it can give us a sense of oneness But it's not oneness like it an ungrounded oneness. This is meaning that we must know Our individual reasons for taking action. What is our purpose? What's our motivation? And in the words of Carl Jung, that would be that we need to individually appropriately before we can really do group consciousness and group mind well Otherwise we're back on the drama triangle There's both right Wow tiff. Thank you We have a couple of questions. We're gonna get to them now if that's okay So I want to remind folks too that if you can please um Put your questions in the ask a question box because sometimes we might miss them if you just put them in the chat window So we'll start with the ask a questions the first one that we have here Which I think you've clarified tiff, but I want to just um, I want to honor this person's question So as surrender having trust and awareness that whatever one is going through is a reflection of self to learn about the self Is that what gets one off the triangle? meaning One's triggers are where one's growth is nothing from the outside is to blame just learning situations for our review of self Yes Yeah, thank you, christie beautiful Yeah Here's another question from julie. Would you please share some examples when anger can be a positive means to get off the drama triangle Share some examples when anger is a positive. Yes, so Let's say somebody has just done something very Inappropriate. Um, I wanted to choose something that's kind of light um actually Well, it's it's great when we can have an interaction and I can actually make it real time and available to to that person but um Healthy you a healthy boundary would be I if it's ideal if you set it from the beginning to say I don't want you to Eat my food in the refrigerator This is my food, but somebody may go ahead and do that because they Just didn't mind the boundaries And they do it anyway an appropriate use of getting angry is where you would say This is not okay. And you don't you don't need to like get in somebody's face about this But just let them know it's not okay. I set the boundary and it's not that was not honored and also The actually the way I want to tell this is is more from a child's perspective Because you'll see a child get really her umfy About things when they didn't get their way Well, that that's appropriate for in in child language in childville But in the ability to Be able to interact as an adult when a child is There's no room for their anger to have Gotten her umfy about something and they're not heard That child is going to have bigger and bigger outbursts of anger Because they were trying to establish something that you didn't that we didn't hear the subtle signs of That we didn't have that in that interaction So it makes sense It does and I just want to I'm just noting a comment from Mimi here in the chat window Which I think you you'll like tiffani because you talk about mad right and you can tell us what mad means Mimi says anchor can make you stand up for yourself and others when nothing else does Sometimes getting mad is the only way you'll have the energy to keep going forward And i'm thinking about your mnemonic here for mad, which what is that? me accessing determination So mad can be me accessing determination But the the discernment and the wisdom that we have to have is when we need to utilize that Arousing energy right to set a boundary to hold a boundary In place or you know use that energy if we need to if we can't find another way to get it right to to set that boundary Exactly Right. It's exactly right. Here's a question from David. How important would you say it is? To merge the personal beliefs religiously speaking into a patient's therapy session so they can get into the surrender stage A patient's therapy session. So I think this is completely appropriate for all therapeutic situations and There's something I didn't quite grok there So a patient's can you say that again? I don't see it Yeah, so it's how important would you say it is to merge the personal beliefs religiously speaking Into a patient's therapy sessions so they can get into the surrender stage Yeah, so meeting people where they are is highly highly essential. I don't have to tell you that I'm sure you already know that and putting things into Language that they can understand so much of our job is there is There's to create a bridge and we're and that person is seeing you For a reason otherwise they would likely just be seeing a church counselor If they were feeling that they were nerds their needs could potentially be met there So there it feels to me that there would actually there's a challenge that's being welcomed And just to so that you don't upset the apple cart too much you want to use their language as much as possible With other points of view, you know I like to say that let's not blame Religion on god That that was kind of a man-made sort of creation and god knows how many interpretations there are of the bible and all of the great texts so this is Being able to bring into a therapeutic setting when i'm working with somebody who's very christian or catholic or no matter what their beliefs system Is that I use the language that I know that they already are aware of And then give alternative meanings to it for them just to contemplate and then let them put it into action And see what happens let the proof be in their own life If you give them something to do and to act upon let the proof work out For them great. Yeah, so let them kind of put it in their own words their own language their own behavior And their own behaviour so they can see if you're suggesting a new response You can see well, let's just let's experiment. Let's let's just see what happens here I love it. Mm-hmm. Well, we have another question from Sabrina who asks Any suggestions for dealing with a family member who thinks they are very spiritually energetically evolved and simply setting Healthy boundaries and yet still displays all the qualities of the drama triangle It's so common People are oftentimes, you know, um, we have this saying of like I said it to to paul aside in a conversation. I don't want to just be rosy about this I I want to like see something for for what it really is Well, not everybody wants surgery Not everybody wants to go into those depths and so They the advice is it would really be best if it was very specific to the condition in which you're operating in But I would begin with that's interesting As as a way in because it just gives a pause It just gives space and that's interesting depending on the tone and how you say it can sound very judgmental Or it can be like, oh, that's interesting That's your take on this and I've seen this a lot in in the dynamics of people think that they get a little information Or read somebody's books and like have this Epiphany moments of they have all this clarity around their lives now, but they actually have not Put it into motion in their lives yet. It's not been fully Integrated and so then they speak from these places where it's kind of like They don't really know they don't really have the experience. So if you say to somebody that's interesting tell me about your experience when you did blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and sometimes they get caught in the act and and caught in that and If they've got a lot of ego around it, I'd say get out of that conversation Just recognize what it is and then exit the conversation because you need to see things for what they really are as well Flexible person controls the conditions Mm-hmm. That's great. Yes, the most flexible But I like that the most flexible and Rosalyn always taught us the biggest aura wins. I think both are true, right? So if you can be flexible and have a big aura, you're in good shape but But to your point again, you know kind of reflecting on these key points that we learn about how to get ourselves off of the drama triangle and into the surrender triangle is You know one one concept we've danced around but haven't necessarily Named is acceptance Right. So and and so part of it is, you know learning that the triangle is a dynamic I would say right the so recognizing where we fall in the dynamic and where others fall in recognizing that We've ultimately, you know to have responsibility and control over our own behavior It's true. And and here let me put this up here because You were seeing what I think before right? Yes. It's yeah, I love it. Yes. Yes So and this is To I really think that knowing myself is a superpower So um in one of these I have the word acceptance So yes, it is because we're not going to go around changing people And in fact the people who are doing the spiritual bypassing and the purple washing of things That is part of what they're trying to do unfortunately sadly But we want to confront we want to be honest with ourselves and with others and ask if that's true Ask the the situation the voice that's coming to you and and the situation that might be going on for our perception of something Just ask check in because we want to be able to ultimately see it and and Be true make a better choice And then realize that we're co-creating in any of these experiences where we're interacting with another person So we don't want to incur more negative karma. So we want to you know, take it a step up And once we know the truth then we can decide on what it is that we want to create next and then to evolve Means that we are taking exactly the steps that we're talking about so that we're not stuck in the insameness of sameness So we're literally making new choices around that I love it. Okay So yeah, and I I'm going to be sending all of this so everybody will we'll thank you These are all of these slides will be available to chief contributors and it will take just a minute In a second and tell you also how you can learn more from tiff Great. Um, okay. How do I get back to oh there? Okay, we're back with you video. No, yeah, you did but I think it's okay because we've got um, you know We've got well, it's it's on the video. So, you know, it's going to be available during replay and um We've just got a couple of minutes I want to make sure people know tiff. How can they be in touch with you? You mentioned you're doing an online course in january Um, I know, you know, you've been featured in gaya tv And you've been part of the reuniting science and spirituality summit and other things you do A whole lot of things. What's the best way for people to reach you? So on my heal and thrive com website h e a l a n d thrive Heal and thrive and if you go there and sign up and send a an email there Recognizing chi then we will know to send you this slide deck as well. So in addition to you'll just have checks and balances Here, we'll have it. We'll have you covered from both ends and then you can sign up for I hardly ever send anything out to anybody So don't feel like you're going to get spammed to death because that's definitely not my style But if you want to know what we're up to and different things that are going on and certainly a lot more of this information I'll have a video on there. I have a youtube channel that explains the the Drama triangle and all of that. It's not going to go into the Like like I am going to in the course because I have just seen over the years that When I hand the handout, it's like, oh, okay, great But there's a lot of information there and sometimes people we need we need to Digest it and and then make it into new habits Absolutely. No, it takes time to digest it and it's really great that you're going to be able to offer An in-depth version of this, you know Because it's it's really nice to be able to go through the examples and then to be able to interact with you on it Too will be really valuable for folks. I can vouch for it. I've seen Tiffany Teaching at our for your energy transform your life workshops and you know, it's pretty amazing what you can do I also want to thank everybody for joining and also for those of you who have already been chi contributors We are able to put these on Due to those of you who donate five dollars a month or about the cup of a nice matcha green tea every month So that we can continue to hold these and chi contributors, of course Get access to all of these webinars in perpetuity including all the handouts as well as free monthly meditations which we hope to get one from tiffani herself for the next one and Discounts to conferences and stuff like that. So if you are not a chi contributor We would humbly ask you to consider being one So that you can support us in continuing to do this amazing work and support our staff in putting them on I really appreciate it and gosh wishing everybody really a lovely and amazing holiday season full of rest and love And you know really the best of what relationships have to offer because they can be so nurturing so fulfilling As we just continue to learn and grow through relationship And tiffani, thank you so much for taking your time during this busy holiday season You know to enlighten us on some of these really key aspects of living Yeah, so practice out there. Don't don't get on the drama triangle. Say that's interesting. Leave it But whatever whatever works for you just don't don't fight the bait Make a new course Love it love it. Thank you all it was great interacting and I'll look forward to more Yeah, absolutely. All right. Be well everybody. Take care. Have a great weekend. That's love. Bye