 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strikes.ز To give you more real deep down smoking enjoyment, LUCKIES pay more. yes to give you a truly finer cigarette. Lucky's pay millions of dollars more than official parody prices for Fine Tobacco. LS MFT, LS MFT, Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. because at auction after auction, as fine, light, naturally mild tobacco comes up for sale. As the price climbs higher and higher, time and again at the top bid, you hear... And another basket of fine tobacco goes to the makers of Lucky Strike. Remember to give you a finer, lighter, milder cigarette. Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more than official priority prices for fine tobacco. So light up a truly finer cigarette. Light up a Lucky. See how much more real, deep-down, smoking enjoyment Lucky's give you. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dentistry, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, last week, while Jack was taking inventory in his pantry, a big can of tomato juice fell off the shelf and hit him on the head. Since then, Jack hasn't been himself and Mary is terribly worried. So now we take you to Mary's home in Beverly Hills. Oh, Miss Livingston, I just called Dentistry and he'll be right over. Good. Did you call Don Wilson? Uh-huh. And did you call Phil Harris? Oh, yes. I call him twice. Twice? Pauline, why didn't you give him the message the first time? I couldn't. He picked up the phone and went right into that's what I like about the South. He would. Oh, I think Mr. Harris is wonderful. I wish there was some subtle way I could get him to kiss me. Well, I... Well, I can help you, Pauline. When Mr. Harris is here, come into the room with a cork in your mouth. He'll pull it out and have you up to his lips before he knows what he's doing. Gee, Miss Livingston, do you think it'll work? Are you kidding? It even worked with my sister, Babe. Now, Pauline, you better go in the kitchen and... Oh, I'll get that. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Mary. Hiya, Livy. Hello, boys. Come on in. Oh, say, Mary, that call sounded quite urgent. What happened? Yeah, what's up, Liv? Well, I'm worried about Jack. Last week, while he was taking inventory in his pantry, a big count of tomato juice hit him on the head. And since then, he's been spending money like mad. Wait, wait. Wait just a minute. Hold it. Look, Mary, the acoustics ain't so good in here. Would you mind throwing that again? I said, since Jack got hit on the head, he's been spending money. Jackson? Yes. Who's? His. No. Yes. Well, heavens to Max Factor, that old man has blown his top. Phil, this is no laughing matter. Will you please sit down? Well, the chairs are taken. He can sit on my lap. Pauline, you're not supposed to be in here. Now, boys, the question is, what are we going to do about Jack? Nothing. Why tamper with a slot machine when it's paying off? Phil, this is nothing to joke about. I'm really worried. I'm worried too. I didn't sleep a wink. I walked the streets all night. You did? Yeah, my folks moved and didn't tell me where. Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Dennis. I'm sure it was just an oversight. Some oversight is the fifth time that I did it this month. Dennis, keep quiet. Am I heavy, Pauline? Phil, get off her lap. Now, kids, I talked to the doctor, and he said the reason Jack is spending money is because when the can hit him on the head, it caused a quailobum caribri compressive. Quailobum caribri compressive? What's that? That's Latin for hand me the jug, Gremly. It's cold outside. Well, there's no use talking to you, Phil. Well, you can talk to me, Mary. I know how serious it can be. My mother once hit my father over the head, and he was unconscious for two days. For two days? What'd she hit him with? Me. With you? She kept hitting him and hitting him. Dennis. Oh, boy, could the Dodgers have used her? Dennis, please. Now, come on, kids. I think it's time we got started for Jack's house. OK, Mary, let's go. Oh, Rochester. Rochester. Hello, boys. I let you sleep late because I thought it would help you cold. And besides, I, well, where'd you get that bathroom? That's a beauty. Oh, I bought it yesterday. Of course, it's nothing fancy, but what could you expect for $250? $250 for a bathroom. And Rochester said my old one to Fred Allen. And you better put a sandwich in each pocket. He's out of work. Well, I think I'll go back to my room and get dressed. I want to do a little shopping before the gang gets here for rehearsal. But, boss, you've been shopping every day this week. Oh, that was just to pick up a few antiques. Antiques? You mean that spin wheel in the living room is only for ornamental purposes? Yes, why? When you came home with it, I ran to the backyard and planted cotton. Now, Rochester, stop being silly. You have enough work to do around here. I have? Certainly. Now that I think of it, you can have the evening off. Gee, thanks, boss. I think I'll call my girl, Susie, and take her out. Well, that's a good idea. And Rochester, here's $20. Show her a good time. Here, take it. $20? No, no, Rochester, I want you to have it. Now, you take that money and go out and have a, oh, Rochester, you've got tears in your eyes. I can't help it, boss. You haven't been so nice to me since I was in bed with pneumonia. Rochester. You felt so sorry for me. You only made me work half days. What are you talking about? Don't you remember, boss? You used to pick me up at the hospital every day at noon. I don't remember that. Well, I'm going to put my clothes on. See you later. $20. Will I tell Susie about this? I'm going to call her right now. Hello? Hello, Susie. This is Rochester. Oh, hello, Rochester. I was hoping you'd call. Well, honey, I got tonight off, and we'll really do the town. What? I'll pick you up in a taxi. We'll go to a restaurant for champagne, cocktails, and a big steak dinner, and then we'll go dancing. Rochester, are you all right? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Rochester, are you all right? Yeah. It ain't me. It's the boss. But it's lovely. What are you talking about? Well, it's a long story, but I just got $20 from Mr. Benny. Rochester, now you untie that man and give it right back. No, no, honey. He gave it to me. He, now look, Susie, I haven't seen you all weekend. I feel kind of romantic today, so after dinner I'll take you to Mulholland Drive and we'll watch the sunset. Watch the sunset? Oh, Rochester, by the time we have dinner, we won't get to Mulholland Drive till it's pitch dark. Yeah. Here comes Mr. Benny. I'll see you tonight. OK, Rochester. Goodbye. Good. Well, Rochester, I'm ready to leave. What'll I tell your cast when they come here for rehearsal? Well, I'll be back before they get here. I'm only going to... I'll answer that. Hello? No apron showers. Making noise. Bell. They bring the flowers. Bell. Bell, I don't get mad, Mr. Benny. I didn't want to call you up for a job again, but my wife made me do it. Don't be such an apologetic schnuck, Melvin. Tell them how important you are. Well, look, there's Demona. Maybe I better not aggravate her. Well, if you won't tell them, I will. Give me that phone. Hello, Benny. Who are you? I'm Mrs. Blank Melvin's wife, and my Mel is doing you a favor by wanting to appear on your program. Look, Mrs. Blank. Melvin is very talented, and he almost got a big part in a very important picture. What picture? Joe from Things Again. Now, cut that out. Mel, I've got a part for you on my program. He'll just stop with those silly imitations. Now, come to rehearsal at my house in an hour. Oh, gee, thanks. I can use the 30 bucks. 30 dollars? Is that all you're getting? Well, Mel, from now on, I'm going to give you 100. Is that all right, Mel? Mel. Mel. I don't know what you said to my husband, but he just swallowed his upper plate. Oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye. Now, Rochester. Rochester, you better have some food for the gag when they come for rehearsal. Yes, sir. I'm going out now. I'll do a little more shopping. I'll be back soon. What a change has come over that man. It's hard to believe that being hit on the head with a can of tomato juice could cause Coyle, lobum, caribri, compressive. I don't know what that means, but you've got to live in Beverly Hills to have it. You better get some food ready for the... Now, who can that be? Oh, hello, Rochester. Oh, hello, everybody. Come on in. Come on in. Rochester, we came over a little early so we could all... Say, wait a minute. What's that can of tomato juice doing on the piano? That's the one that hit Mr. Bailey on the head. The newsreels want to take pictures of it. Take pictures of that? Yeah, that little old can put more money into circulation than the Marshall plan. Rochester's Mr. Benny here. No, he went to do some more shopping. He'll be back soon, though. Shopping again today? I wonder what he's buying this time. Well, what do you think of this one, sir? Well, it doesn't look bad, but I'd like something a little larger. Well, I'm sorry, sir, but this is the largest yacht we have. Well, it is the best-looking one I've seen. I'm sure you'll find it most satisfactory. It's 48 feet long and has a cruising speed of 18 knots an hour. Good, good. It sure looks nice. Tell me, mister, what are these? They're diesels. Oh, and what are dozels? I mean, what are... I mean, what are diesels? Diesels are engines. And you'll find this type very reliable on long voyages. Oh, I'm glad you mentioned that. Would this boat be able to go to Hawaii? Oh, certainly, sir. A trip to Hawaii would be nothing for a yacht like this. That's fine. See, I'll be sending it over there quite often. Oh, business? No, but there may be another strike, and I love fresh pineapple. But why worry about another strike now? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Now, uh... Well, mister, mister, why are you leading over the rail? I dropped my fountain pen. Oh, oh. Well, tell me, what's the... what's the price of this yacht? $50,000. That sounds reasonable. I think I'll take it. Well, you're certainly in for a lot of happy carefree days on this yacht. Mister, uh... Mister, uh... Benny. Benny? Yes, Jack Benny. Jack Benny? J-A-C-K-B-E-N-N-Y. All right, sir, you've had your little joke. Now, what's your name? Bar-D-D. I told you it's Jack Benny. See, I've signed it on this check for $1,000 as a deposit. Well, I'll... Now, here's my address. If you come over to my house this afternoon with the bill of sale for the yacht, I'll give you the rest of the money. Oh, very good, sir. And, by the way, I wish you'd paint the name of the bow. I want to call it the Mary L. after Ms. Livingston. Yes, sir. Oh, and one more thing. I intend to anchor up my yacht in the San Pedro Harbor. Very good, sir. Shall we truck it down to San Pedro, or will you wait for the rainy season? Oh, send it down immediately. Yes, sir. I'll be over at your house as soon as I get the papers drawn up. Good day, sir. Goodbye. I have to hurry now. I want to stop at the corner drugstore. Here you are, sir. A tube of toothpaste and a package of razor blades. Will it be anything else? Well, yes, I have a coal that's been bothering me for a couple of weeks. I don't know what to do about it. Why not try a four-way coal test? Oh, give me an eight-way coal tablet. Money is no object at all. Thank you very, very much. Hello, Mr. Benny. Nice seeing you in the bank again. Thank you. How much do you want to deposit today? I don't want to make it a deposit. I want to withdraw $50,000. All I said was, I want to withdraw $50,000. Where did everybody go? Oh, well. Here you are, sir. 360 North Camden Drive. Thank you, cabby. That'll be $44,000. $45,000, eh? Well, here's a dollar. Keep the change. Thank you. You're quite welcome. Oh, Mr. Mr. What is it, driver? Didn't Jack Benny used to live here? Yes, yes. He used to. I can't understand people. I've been a big star for 18 years. Nobody recognizes me. Oh, Donner, I forgot my key. Hope we finish rehearsal quickly today. There's a little more shopping I want to do. Oh, hello, boss. Everyone's waiting for you in the day. Well, I'll go right in. There's no business. Oh, hello, kids. Hello, Jack. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hi, Dennis. Rochester told you we're out shopping again. Yes, yes, Mary. I just bought a yacht. And I'm going to call it the Mary L after you. You bought what? A yacht. And here's a box of candy for you, too, Mary. Thanks. Thanks. I think you'll like this assortment, Mary. This candy, this candy, carbels, fruits, and nuts. Speaking of nuts, Mr. Benny, how are you feeling? What was that you said, kid? Oh, it was nothing, Jack. Nothing. Well, kids, as long as you're all here, we'll start rehearsing. Now, Dennis, do your song while I hand out the script. OK. Viste Bianca. Next thing I want to rehearse is the commercial. Now, Don, is the sportsman quartet here? Well, no, they're not, Jack. You see, this week I prepared just a straight commercial. Why? Well, in that way, you won't need the quartet, and that'll save you $500. Save me $500? Don, are you crazy? When will you ever learn that money was made to spend? I'm ashamed of you. If there's anything I can't stand, it's a cheapskate. But, Jack, I thought you... Don, I don't care what you thought. Lucky strike. Lucky strike pays millions of dollars more than official parity prices for that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. And you have the temerity to try and save me a measly $500. But, Jack, certainly... Don, but, Jack, me. Don, at auction after auction, Lucky strike buys tobacco, that smooth, mild amount, out of which they make those luckies that are so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. And you, you have the audacity to assume that I'd like to save a lousy $500. Pigs ought to thrash you to within an inch. Don. Don, have you got a fountain pen? Yes. Well, you sit right there at that table and write LSMFT a thousand times. Dennis, what are you staring at? I still can't figure it out. Can't figure out what? Why my folks keep moving all the time. That I don't understand at all. Now, let's get out with the rehearsal so we can offer heaven's sake. What's that can of tomato juice doing on the piano? Well, Raj has to put it there. Yeah, the newsreels will be here any minute. What? Be quiet. Now, why should a can of tomato juice be here? Oh, Rochester! Rochester! Oh, I'll put it away myself. Excuse me a minute. Can't understand what's the matter with everybody. Don trying to save me money, Mary whispering. Oh, well. Gee, the pep is full. There's a little space on this top shelf. If I stand on my tiptoes, I could just... Boss, did you call me? Yes, Rochester. Why did you... Boss, look out! Rochester, this is all your fault. Boss, stop! What happened again? Hey, Jack, what happened? Jack, are you hurt? Huh? What'd you say, Mary? I asked if you were hurt. No, no, no, I'm all right. Now, come on, Rochester. Let's finish taking this inventory. Inventory? Jack, you finished that last week. Yeah, we're here for rehearsal. Rehearsal? I don't know what you're all... Rochester, what are you standing around all dressed up for? I got a date. You said I could have the night off. Where did I give you the night off? About an hour ago, you even gave me $20 spending money. I? I gave you $20? Sure, here. How sure do you? See? Get out of my pocket. Don, he's back to his old self. Yeah. Hit him again, hit him again, harder! Dennis, you keep quiet. Now look, kids, I don't know what this is all about. But, sir... Come in. Well, here I am, Mr. Benny. I hope I didn't keep you waiting. Waiting? What do you want, mister? I've come for the $49,000 you owe me on the yacht. What did you say? I said I've come for the $49,000 you owe me on the yacht. All right, mister, you've had your little joke. Now, what do you want? I'm not joking. You bought a yacht, put a $1,000 deposit on it, and still owe me $49,000. I? I gave you $1,000? Let me see it. I will not. I'm keeping it right in my pocket. Now I know why I'm a butler and he's a yacht salesman. Quiet, Rasha. This man is trying some swindle games, saying I bought a yacht. But, Jack, you yourself told us you bought it, and I think you'll get a lot of pleasure out of it. Now, you keep your big fat mouth out of this. Oh, he's right, Jack. You ought to keep the yacht. Barry. You even named it after me. Never mind. I get your hands out of that caddy. Now, look, mister, if you think you can swindle me... I'm not swindling you. You ordered the yacht. You paid a deposit, and I'll get the rest of that money if I have to sue you. Well, let me tell you something. You are not going to get... Well, here I am, Mr. Benny. I hope I ain't late for rehearsal. No, Blake, what are you doing here? I don't need job I show. Oh, but you hired me over the phone. You even raised my salary to $100. I? I gave you... What's going on here anyway? Do you think I'd pay $100 just to hear you imitate Al Jolson? No. Oh, shut up! Now, how about it, Benny? Am I going to get my $49,000, or do I call my lawyer? I don't care how many lawyers you call. You're not going to get any money out of me. But, Jack, it's only money. It's not as though he's taking your life's blood. Let me be the judge of that. Now, mister, you better return my deposit. I must have been out of my mind when I gave it to you. I wouldn't pay $50,000 for any crummy bowl. Crummy? I'll have you know that some of the best men in this country own our yachts. Men like Humphrey Bogart, Robert Taylor, and Al Jolson. Now, stop that! I'll both of you! Get out! Get out! Get out! What's going on around here, anyway? Is everybody crazy? No, Jack. I-I don't blame you for being confused. Come on in the other room, and I'll explain it to you. I wish you would. Hello, Susie. Our debt is off tonight. I'm broke. I thought you said you had $20. Have you ever heard that expression? Easy, calm, easy go. Uh-huh. Well, I've just had a personal demonstration. Goodbye. Just a moment, but first... sixty one down. Du, du, du. Sold American. To give you a finer cigarette, luckies pay more. Yes, at the tobacco auctions at market after market, Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more than the official parody prices for fine tobacco. 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Remember, Lucky's pay more, millions of dollars more than official parody prices for fine tobacco. Get a carton of Lucky's today. You'll agree, in all the world, there's no finer cigarette than Lucky Strike. Mary, you mean I bought all those things just because I was hit on the head? Yes, Jack, but it's over now, so why don't you... I'll get it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is the Beverly Hills supermarket. Yes. We were checking over our accounts and we find that you've neglected to pay a small bill of 69 cents. 69 cents? What was that for? A large can of tomato juice. Well, wait a minute. You sold me that can of tomato juice? Yes. I am suing you for $50,000. What? Goodbye. How did I ever get that?