 In an interview I gave to Richard Granon a few months ago, I told him that there is no way to heal from narcissistic abuse until and unless the victim separates and Individuates in other words separates from the narcissist and becomes an individual because the narcissist plays the role of a mother and Regresses the victim to early infancy And so the victim needs to grow up so to speak to return from infancy to adulthood By separating from the mother figure and becoming again an Individual but there's a flip side to this coin and the flip side is the narcissist himself Has not been allowed to separate and individuate as a child Mother and father of the narcissist the parental figures the caregivers They did not let him become an individual The narcissist is not there There's nobody there. It's an emptiness avoid The narcissist has no self. He has no ego and because he has none of these things the narcissist is incapable of bonding and attachment and incapable of positive Emotionality Not capable of love in other words The narcissist is a simulacrum a simulation of a human being But by any extension of the word he is not one My name is Sam Vaknin I'm a professor of psychology and a professor of finance in the outreach program of the CS Consortium of universities see ups Center for international advanced and professional studies and I'm also a professor of psychology in Southern Federal University in Worstov-on-Don in the Russian Federation and the author of malignant self love narcissism Revisited I'm meter 73. I have brown eyes and don't you ask about my socks? There are more holes than socks. All right Now, you know everything about me and we can finally proceed to less serious subjects like the narcissist End you today. I'm going to hand over the keys to the kingdom The code books the enigma machine the way to understand the narcissists Totally contradictory and bizarre behaviors Sometimes the narcissist is romantically jealous and possessive even to the point of paranoia At other times with the very same intimate partner. He couldn't care less He is totally disinterested in what his partner is doing with whom and where How can we reconcile these two? How can these two? Opposites exist in the same person. Isn't this mutually exclusive? It's like it's like the narcissist has two personalities or more similarly with sex Sometimes the narcissist is a sex fined a sex maniac a satire a satir a Male or female nymphomania sometimes sex is his life his essence he pursues sex to the exclusion of all else and Sometimes is utterly asexual not interested in sex even when it is offered to him on a silver platter rejects sexual advances Offendedly sometimes brutally and cruelly again, how could this be the same human being the same person? don't we have this concept of Personality which ostensibly or allegedly is a lifelong pattern of behaviors and traits Which are cohesive and coherent and predictable How can anyone have? So many contradictions and yet claim to have a personality. What about the concept of individual? Someone who stands apart in the video divided stands apart. What about that? the narcissist seems to Be in flux He seems to he's more like a river than let's say a lake or a pond He is constantly in motion and as he moves along The landscape changes all the time to the narcissist intimate partner. This could be exceedingly disorienting and so to relieve your confusion and I'm doing this because I'm one of the most charitable altruistic nice and kind people on earth and probably in the solar system So to relieve your anxiety and to help you understand what the heck is going on with this guy Or girl the narcissist. I'm going to date to Provide you with a very simple set of keys Okay, let's first talk about possessiveness and Romantic jealousy Sometimes the narcissist is very possessive and very romantically jealous at other times He couldn't care less even if you were to have sex in front of him with someone else How can you explain this? Well, the two keys are grandiosity and Transaction Let's start with grandiosity grandiosity uniqueness When the narcissist acquires His partner I'm gonna use he for a narcissist. I'm gonna use the male pronouns Although today, it's 50 50 50 percent of all narcissists are women and 50 percent are men But still I'm going to use he for convenience sake. So when the narcissist acquires his intimate partner There is a phase where he is very possessive and he's very possessive because Acquiring her the process of acquisition It is an integral part of another process known as co-idealization In other words, when the narcissist recruits When he brings into the fold when he house breaks or domesticates or conquers or acquires Woman as an intimate partner He invests in the process of acquiring her his Grandiosity his sense that he's unique that he's special that he's irresistible That he is one and only so we can use so acquiring an intimate partner Is not about the intimate partner It's about idealizing himself by idealizing the intimate partner by idealizing the interaction by idealizing the process of coming together The narcissist actually is idealizing himself and if The woman he had chosen Chooses another man over him That is narcissistic injury and if she does it publicly and humiliates him that leads to narcissistic modification So the first reason a narcissist would be possessive or romantically jealous Is because he is terrified of being narcissistically injured or mortified By choosing an intimate partner by choosing a woman if he's a man He actually Endows her with the power To challenge and undermine his grandiosity and sense of uniqueness because all she has to do is Has have sex with another man or choose another man as a romantic partner or consider Committed relationship with another man the minute there is an element of choice The minute the woman Chooses another man in any way bodily romantically emotionally The minute she had done this She had she would have inflicted a narcissistic injury on the narcissist It would disrupt the process of co-idealization because the implicit message in such a choice is I Found another man who is better than you I found another man who is more than you I found another man who is more intelligent than you better looking than you Better lover than you and these messages are injurious narcissistically anticipating the possibility of such an extreme narcissistic injury Anticipating the undermining of his grandiosity and sense of uniqueness the narcissist becomes anxious It's anticipatory anxiety and he interprets this overwhelming All-pervasive anxiety in terms of possessiveness and romantic jealousy The truth is he couldn't care less about his intimate partner and who she is with because he is not intimate with her Narcissist are not capable with intimate of intimacy of bonding of attachment of love So why would they care they don't the answer is they don't The narcissist romantic jealousy is not about his intimate partner and what she may be doing with others the narcissist Romantic jealousy is about himself. It's self-protective the narcissist once exclusivity with his intimate partner in order to Make sure that she doesn't have the option to choose someone else in order to defend her in order to remove her to to deny her access to the weapon of narcissistic injury if both parties agree on exclusivity then He is unique by definition. He is the only the one and only and his grandiosity is upheld and buttressed and supported and vindicated and verified if however She strays or She chooses someone else over him. She has the power. It's all a power play She has the power to diminish him to humiliate him to negate him And so at that point he needs to defend himself against such possibilities and he experiences this process as Being possessive or being romantically jealous because that's the only human vocabulary Available to everyone in narcissists included the narcissist often mislabels Mislabels his emotion is negative emotions and his internal processes And this is one one such occasion of mislabeling having traversed the Love bombing and Grooming stage of the shared fantasy having entered the shared fantasy with his intimate partner The narcissist Loses all interest in the intimate partner as far as exclusivity goes. He doesn't mind and he doesn't care who she's with What is she doing? Where when for how long etc. He doesn't care anymore. He had acquired her She's he's she's a captive within the shared fantasy. She can't exit There's no way for her to replace him with anyone. He feels safe. It doesn't feel the need to care if she, you know Has has some fun if she has some fun with others but this is only true as long as As long as the narcissist is sure That he is not losing the intimate part In other words as long as the narcissist can take his intimate partner for granted He will never be romantically jealous Oppositive he starts to be romantically jealous and possessive within the shared fantasy when he risks losing the three s's sex Services and or narcissistic and statistic supply. These are the three s's So the intimate partner of a narcissist in the shared fantasy Provides him with the three s's but if she were to choose another man then The narcissist risk losing these three s's his investment so to speak the shared fantasy is a form of investment So he risk losing the investment so he develops separation in security Abandonment anxiety and he becomes possessive and romantically jealous in order to reclaim her Including using reclaimed sex So he tries to reclaim her because he's terrified of losing whatever it is that she can give him the three s's So let us summarize Before when the narcissist is in the love-bombing and grooming phase the narcissist is Idealizes his partner By idealizing his partner the narcissist idealizes himself. That's called idealization and at this stage of love-bombing and grooming The narcissist's grandiosity is very vulnerable and very exposed because the targeted intimate partner the Potential victim or prey or source of supply Can simply walk away and choose another man over the narcissist if she were to do this the narcissist would sustain narcissistic injury and in extreme cases narcissistic modification terrified of this and Anticipate anticipating this possibility the narcissist becomes very possessive and very romantically jealous That's in the love-bombing and grooming phase Within the shared fantasy the narcissist is never romantically Jealous and never possessive except With one exception when he anticipates loss When he believes that he can no longer take his intimate partner for granted. She's about to bail out She is Scanning the horizon. She's looking for alternatives That terrifies him not because it terrifies him not because he's about to lose the intimate partner He couldn't care less who the intimate partner is. They're all interchangeable and dispensable Terrifies him because he tends to lose what she gives him on a regular basis be it sex or supply or services He doesn't want to lose these things. He had invested a lot in Creating the fantastic paracosm space within which she's captive like the spider web He weaved the spider web. She's caught in it. He doesn't want her to go looking for other flies so The minute he senses that he's about to lose his intimate partner. He suddenly becomes Extremely possessive and romantically jealous so the first case love-bombing and grooming phase romantic jealousy and possessiveness are The results of a challenge to the ground to grandiosity The undermining of grandiosity not a cystic injury the second case within the shirt fantasy romantic jealousy and possessiveness are triggered by a The prospect of loss by anticipated loss But not loss of the intimate partner loss of her services her sex and her supply Similarly, there's a dichotomy when it comes to sex Sometimes the narcissist is hypersexual Sex maniac sometimes a sex addict even and sometimes the narcissist is Hypo sexual to the point of a sexuality not having sex at all and the reason is that There are two sets of motivations as far as the narcissist is concerned you remember That when when we discussed a few minutes ago possessiveness and romantic jealousy. I told you that one set of motivations is grandiosity feeling unique During the love-bombing phase and the other set of motivations is utilitarian instrumental transactional The wish to secure the services the sex and the supply of the intimate part not to lose her to someone else Sim, it's exactly the same with sex one type of sex One type of sexual activity one type of sexuality and psychosexuality has to do with grandiosity and uniqueness and The other type of sex sexual activity and so on has to do with utilitarian transactional and instrumental reasons, so the narcissists as you remember Switches between somatic and cerebral. He has one dominant type. So he's dominant cerebral or dominant somatic majority of his life he spends in this dominant phase type, but Narcissists are type in constant this switch between types from cerebral to somatic to cerebral to somatic and so on so forth It's much more rare for a somatic to switch to a cerebral because you need brains and somatics are Endowed in other parts of their anatomy not up there not upstairs, but cerebrals switch pretty easily when the need arises as a somatic player as a somatic player in short-term conquests the narcissists would display a heightened interest in sex and increased arousal So as a somatic Sex would be top of the list the main concern the main pursuit The number one principle vocation and avocation of the somatic narcissist the somatic phase the narcissist is all into sex But then it's about conquering both short-term conquests Not about long-term relationship Even then the narcissists would avoid casual sex with promiscuous non-discriminating women and He would avoid it because it rendered him. It renders him not unique a woman who sleeps indiscriminately with anyone and everyone is Can't make the narcissist feel special. He needs to feel special He needs to feel that he had Converted the woman into having sex with him He needs to feel that he had conquered the women and there's no need to conquer promiscuous woman She is an open open city. So she no need to besiege her. She hands you the keys to the kingdom On a first attempt. So casual sex with promiscuous non-discriminating women is not for the narcissist somatic or cerebral Narcissist prefer to conquer in the somatic phase they conquer Women and once they had conquered them. They lose lose all sexual interest in them so the sex is intermittent and punctuated and is comprised of a medley or a chain of Unseizing an ending chain of conquests. They're all short-term Then the focus of the somatic narcissist is on the attainment on the chase and the hunt Not necessarily on the specific woman or the specific partner It's the process that arouses him not in the outcome, but not the partner involved So this is the in the somatic phase. So this is one type of sex sexual pursuits sexual one type of sex that caters to the narcissist's grandiosity and sense of uniqueness Because when he conquers women, he feels that he's special Women who are not promiscuous. I repeat again when he conquers women who are not promiscuous. He feels that he's unique He feels that he's irresistible That he's special that he has almost super human powers to convert chaste decent women into whores in bed from Madonna to whore this transition gratifies and arouses him no end But then he loses interest because the conquest conquest accomplished That was the idea not the notch in the belt or in the bed post So again, we see Where a grandiosity in a sense of uniqueness Give rise to a specific behavior to romantic jealousy to possessiveness and and to hyper sexuality grandiosity and uniqueness a very important drivers of the narcissistic engine and so When the narcissist loved Bomsul He wants her to be exclusive to him because it makes him feel unique to allows him to idealize himself and when she isn't It destroys or challenges his grandiosity and causes narcissistic injury. So he's romantically jealous and possessive Similarly when the narcissist has sex With multiple partners as a somatic It's about the conquest. It's about feeling unique feeling special feeling irresistible. It's about grandiosity And there is a compliment also to the utilitarian transactional and instrumental side As a cerebral narcissist in the love-bombing phase which precedes the shared fantasy The cerebral in the love-bombing phase is also hypersexual. He is still cerebral, but he's hypersexual and This is false advertising. It's a lure. It's a bait The idea is that the cerebral narcissist demonstrates to his partner that he is actually okay with sex that he loves sex that he adores sex and is likely to continue to engage in sex for the rest of their committed relationship, but actually it's false The cerebral regards this sexual involvement as a chore Something to be done a way to capture or captivate the woman and bring her into the shared fantasy The minute she is in the shared fantasy His sex drive a legend sex drive ostensible sex drive vanishes and he becomes asexual Again, we see That sex is used to buttress grandiosity and a sense of uniqueness in the somatic narcissist and As a as an instrument as a tool a utilitarian transactional instrumental type of sex Intended to captivate and capture and acquire and acquire Women as intimate partners in the shared fantasy as a lure and as a bait similarly romantic jealousy and possessiveness is used to buttress or to prevent a Challenge or undermining the grandiosity and sense of uniqueness So you're romantically the the narcissist is romantically jealous and possessive when he had anticipates narcissistic injury and he enforces exclusivity on the intimate partner to avoid this injury and similarly romantic jealousy and possessiveness possessiveness instrumental utilitarian and transactional when the narcissist tries to forestall and to prevent the loss of an intimate partner Who is about to bail out? But he's not interested in the intimate partner. He's interested in what he can extract from her what he can get from her These are the keys. That's all you need to know actually to understand the narcissist bizarre pendulations between extreme paranoid suffocating and stifling romantic jealousy and a total lack of interest total indifference to where you are who you're with and what you're doing and and Similarly to understand how the narcissist is in a certain period of time hypersexual Sex crazed and then switches to total asexuality Totally becomes totally frigid. These are the keys grandiosity in a sense of uniqueness and instrumentalizing instrumentalizing Romantic jealousy and possessiveness and in instrumentalizing Sex So as to obtain goals. It's good. There's goal orientation utilitarian and transactional Okay, I hope I shed some light into this dark corner of humanity. No wonder these people are called dark personalities Although just to remind you dark personalities are not psychopaths and narcissists. They are subclinical psychopaths and subclinical narcissists Kind of almost almost there wannabes. They still have a long way to go to reach my level Thank you very much for listening. Those of you are still around and see you next time and A shout to Richard. We're going probably to shoot the separation individuation interview or segment or dialogue or whatever it's going to be on the 14th of February 14th this month in Prague And Then we're both gonna participate in a documentary. I shot already two days for this documentary Richard's gonna join me in Prague on the 15th and the 16th. There's a public event on the 15th You're free to join. It's free of charge. You can just come there You can ask questions and receive my snide and contemptuous answers and Richard's empathic and helpful ones So all of you are invited. It's on the 15th of February in the evening I go to my Instagram and you will see the invitation and you will have you have to write You have to write to an email address which is in the invitation and then you will be listed You will be included and you will be granted access one caveat one bit of warning The whole thing is going to be short and filmed has been included in the documentary So if you don't want to be seen in this event and if you don't want to be to be heard Then you may wish to not to not attend, but if you do attend Your game you will be included in the documentary. You'll become famous You'll open your own YouTube channel about narcissistic abuse and you will relegate me and Richard Grannon to the trash heap of history sick transit below we are windy Look it up