 screenshot this screenshot material now i don't want to move but i got it this video is about as much of a mess as me uh those who don't know i dyed my hair it tastes looking pretty good i haven't been there i'm just filming my intro first so can you be quiet a second thank you so well i forgot to do an intro video uh so true i am yeah thank you avoiding my head that everyone can hear so it's not really avoiding my head oh no i'm going crazy oh wait i got discharged because the mental health people in london shit anyway enjoy more i hope you don't mind i'm gonna go enjoy my mcdonald i'm gonna film my mom quickly yeah are you i just want to find you a rough replay and go on come in down all right and i was just trying to find my alarm to set my alarms for and stuff this video is a rant video by the way that was just because i need to arrange like tomorrow but for this video we kind of also need a bath and the serenity so i'm gonna call the groom champ what up right you're in the video by the way i'm running to go at the crisis team but before it started i want you to kind of explain thoughts feelings etc fucking crisis team up weird the gist of what really happened guys i'm being shamed also i'm filming video you really couldn't even hear that so it sounded horrible then so today this video but i kind of need to add this note in before i actually start this video i got really wound up by the fact that the home treatment team lied to me two days in a row and it pissed me off so i ranted about it i'm not saying that all of the london services are bad i'm not saying that i didn't don't agree if it's white pad um those of you who don't know i'm actually a master supporter of the london services apart from the impatient stuff because that was shit and fucked up all of a story this video was just me moaning about this current situation because it is really shitty what happened and you know like they canceled an appointment after the time it was already supposed to be at it wasn't even me canceling the appointment it was them canceling it which is like massively i don't know it's just a bit fucked up really yeah i don't know i just felt like i'd need to put this in to explain this video i don't want to come across like i hate the services because i don't i don't hate services i'm not anti-NHM i made a whole live stream but i got that took the backlash for making that live stream because he was uh obsessive i'm gonna lie but yeah that's kind of felt like i had to put this in uh i'm gonna put my camera on chart and get ready to go home to my mother's tomorrow so as a lot of you guys know if you have been following my live streams and talking to me on social media you will know i was sort of to see the home treatment team to roll yesterday those day before i went home to my mom's for christmas to come up with some sort of plan and put a little bit of an action plan in place so i knew what i was doing and what was going on because that really helped me knowing what's going on having a structure having you know just a general idea of what's going on which is what the plan was that was the plan but in the words of the home treatment team yesterday they were too busy which was fine i wasn't in crisis okay we'll come and see you tomorrow being today that's fine that's okay it annoyed me a bit because i was like we made this a bit over a week ago but whatever so we get to today and we're sat here and i was it got to eight o'clock and i was in a group call with beth and 20 and i was like they should have been here another day because they do home visits between six p.m and eight p.m so i called eight p.m my phone's home treatment team i was like would you tell me if anyone's gonna come i was told on the phone earlier today because i had folks on the phone earlier today saying hey are you gonna come out today i said yeah so i called them and the woman who was there i was like oh yeah no we tried to get hold of you you didn't answer i was like no one called my flat i feel like just to show you what i mean by no one tries to call that i need to actually show you action what i mean by no one actually tried to um call my flat is no one tries to call i've got a literal phone we've got a call and for the flat physically if you have my mobile like no one tried to get in contact with me and it was like what the fuck you know you said you was going to be coming out to see me so why didn't you you know you go just told me like someone told me i wouldn't have cared that's the thing it's how they kept to be sure on me like oh yeah we're gonna come out we're gonna come out and they didn't that's what's irritating me about it all like there's a literal call button outside my building saying call my flat no one tried to call my phone no one sent me a message no one did anything to try and get hold of me so that was a lot of crap on their parts they didn't they didn't try and get hold of me and then she was like oh i'm discharging you anyway so what did you want from us i was like a plan i was like i was told i was getting a plan i was like i knew i was gonna be getting discharged soon related because i've been going home to my mom's for two weeks but i don't have a plan no one gave me a plan but you saw a consultant on Tuesday yeah who sent me back to my gp and told me i was gonna get given a plan on Thursday it's Friday and we haven't got a plan i was like i don't know what you want from me and and there was a whole heat you remember i just turned around and said i was like well what does it take does like do i need to go and talk myself before anyone will listen to me i was like why is it why is it fair that i have to keep getting to that point before anyone steps in and she then she tried to end the call she's like i'm going to go i need to go i need to go and it's like yeah because you don't know i'm fucking right in this situation it just annoys me because when i come back down from from my mom's i'm gonna end up back under the home treatment team because i still don't have a plan and it'll be like oh i've still got a you know see the same people who discharged me i mean in my confidence in them it's like we're completely knocked because there's two days in a row they've cancelled on me and i'm like yesterday last night i could have done the support my ptsd was an accident i was having flashbacks i was dissociating i was struggling last night but i was like what's the point of voting to get told i was too busy to speak to you and then i was like i'm gonna see them stay anyways it doesn't matter and i didn't because they didn't try they didn't even try to it it's like i should have seen it coming i should have seen this coming they wasn't gonna support me or try and support me like i literally should have seen this coming because it always happened it literally always happens but it's so fucking shit this video is a mess this video is just me moaning about stuff it's tied in my bedroom i tied in my bedroom for the deployment and because i'm going to my mom's and you know yeah so yeah i got a little bit online but it had annoyed me i'm i've now got no support again no numbers to pour i can call single point actor who are people you would have heard in the phone call in the ptsd flashback video and what's on the phone about that i was like all they do is phone the police and ambulance is like considering the police are some of the reasons why i have so many flashbacks why would i wasn't getting called and why would i want that what would it achieve what would it be realistically achieve in that situation because i i don't know how many of you guys have watched this movie before if you haven't you're not talking about but a lot of the flashbacks i have are related to hearing noises and hearing loud bangs from where i used to have police turning come to my flat all the time whoa future me button again who would again um i didn't mention this very well basically my flashbacks with the police are where they used to knock on my door a lot and they used to kick it down a lot and where they used to turn up a lot and where i got assaulted by officers where i was handcuffed where i was dragged out kicking and screaming where they turned for no reason where i got so i have a lot of anxiety around i'm on a lot of medications trying to calm the paranoia down from it and it's a very real raw thing it's what causes a lot of panic attacks like i can't go off flat alone and and what even i do like people who have been on video call me like that and like um serenity and jordan have seen how paranoid to get where i'm looking around to see a police guy and panicking i i have to have my medication to go out because of the amount of anxiety that the police have caused so that's why that's like relevant um and the reason i was talking to the price to money is because it was getting worse and i don't want that to get worse i want that to improve that's the one thing that my health i need to improve i can live with feelings suicide i can live with being depressed i can live with anxiety i can't live with constant flashbacks and constant dissociation that's the one thing i can't live with and that is what i'm always trying to get across in the video i didn't actually mention it that's why i'm adding it in now hi i'm gonna let past me get back to the video but yeah hi hi it caused a lot of issues for me and i do have flashbacks to all of that and i'm like i'm paying in january i'm going to start paying for emdr therapy again because i found it really helpful this year the nths waiting list is too long for it so i'm i'm willing to pay for that i'm literally gonna pay for it and at this rate i'm gonna end up paying for the fucking therapy as well because i'm so sick of getting told oh you'll be quiet and having to get to a point of crisis before people are like oh crap there's actually a problem we need to have a plan and the thing is i got told i was going to get given a plan like if they hadn't mentioned a plan to begin with it wouldn't bother me but the fact they was like oh we're gonna come up with a plan we'll have a plan in place for you when you go home for when you come back you'll have a plan and to then be like well we wasn't going to we was going to discharge we were like i know that you're literally just leaving me again to get to another crisis point why is that fair how is that fair tell me i like sorry i had to have this round i'm sorry i was moaning on the phone to Beth and surrounding you earlier around today they would witness my rant while i went to asda i'm sorry sorry to run here i just had to uh i felt like making this video because to get off my chest so yeah that's the update of my life if you're new here hit the subscribe button if you want to see more rants or talks or story tie ins let me know in the comment if you have any subject videos let me know down below if you'd like if you have any questions also let me know them and i'll answer them like during some point before christmas i make videos every single day um yeah has doubt do i think i don't even know and this doesn't work i don't i missed are you kidding me are you fucking kidding me i quit i i just quit i'm gonna get down off my desk i'm literally sat on my desk to film this because i am so yeah bye