 to bring it back to ayahuasca Like even Roy did ayahuasca at the place I go. I was good. He did that half. It's a two-day ceremony Roy did one. I fucking dipped that's scary Gone bro, it wasn't scary. It was just a Take in you said it was like a bunch of it was like too many people Talking at a barbecue at a family barbecue. Yeah, or some kind of family function. Yeah, it was like being in a room Because there were a lot of people there at the ceremony or whatever, but Then in your head, it's just too many fucking people talking was it people That you hadn't that you like forgot you knew kind of thing. Yeah, I think Yeah, but it was just more visualizations of them Just multiple visualizations of people and things and people you love and people you miss and stuff like that and then having the realization in the moment that Oh I just I want love. I Want my son to know love. I Have to in order for my son to know love He has to see love So if I'm gonna if I'm gonna show him love, I Need to fucking be in love. I need to fuck. Oh shit. I have to fucking be with somebody I gotta be in love. Okay. Well, what were my examples of love and now we're right back to the day he was born Well, what was my father's example? How did my father show me love and then I think back and I think back to all of the moments that he had With the other woman and not my mom I'm a oh fuck He was in love For as much as as much as he wouldn't have stayed with her if he wasn't in love like what you know about him Divorcing my mom whatever, you know, that could be its own That's a separate thing but My father loved that woman who he's buried next to When I go back and like when I'm like if we're just talking just thinking about Okay, my job as a father is to prepare my son for the world period full stop That is my only purpose on earth right now is to prepare him for life without me Love is one of those things he will have to figure out how to navigate so I need to show him love All right, what examples of love have I seen so far? Okay? my aunt Got an aunt and uncle they always sneaking fucking family functions check. All right, but then we'll save that My dad. Oh shit You check the homework You went to the practices Shit, that's love it wasn't an impersonal Right, just who he loved. Yeah, and it's complicated. Of course. It's complicated when you're on your 11th Fucking child. Yes, they're they're hurdles to having wrinkle-free happiness. He had challenges Yes, so that realization But then you have to first love yourself And so then that's where the journey of okay, well, what do I want? What makes me happy? What do I want to do? Because you can't meet nobody while you fucking Like how somebody gonna make you happy you ain't happy with you, right? So you gotta start with you first. You got to rebuild so you start with that shit so it's a little bit of that and then the other revelation I had was Everything I've ever wanted to do like I've felt indebted to my mom for all of the sacrifices that she's made And it's nothing she's ever asked. She's never held shit over my head, but I look and I go. Oh, I I Just want my mom to not have to work so hard. I love my mom Hmm Everything I've ever done was just so I wouldn't be a burden on her That's why I was busting my ass so that she wouldn't have to worry about me. It's a fucking great feeling For your mom and I don't know she would admit this but I remember when I paid off my student loans Fine, I don't know I made my last student loan payment. There was a weird relief from her Right, you know, she acknowledged it. Yeah, she's a oh, well, I'm glad she finally get like I could tell she was smiling Yeah, even you know mom's worry so To always be able to put her in a position where she doesn't have to worry about me like that's a gift and like It's like, oh everything was just about letting my mom know I'm okay. Is that why it works? And then I woke up the next morning like fuck this shit Like you have those two revelations within a six-hour span. Yeah, I'm straight on night, too, bro Yeah, I don't need to ever do it again. Like I don't know how like the people who do the ayahuasca Oh every weekend, I've done it 20 times. You might be in a different space. Yeah for me. I'm good, bro I got what I needed. I will return to drinking old-fashioned with extra orange. Well, but I would only send you for Being willing because you're not Mentally Unwell like you're like pretty From the outside in Even like I think I know you pretty well. I think you're like pretty even you're like doing your eye Yeah, you know so the fact that you will go to therapy the fact that you will drink ayahuasca the fact that you will like tune in to yourself is is admirable even realizing like Squeezing baby Do you know what I mean? Like even like even a being I could tell you never held a baby Yeah, you bring them up here. It's like a log. You heard it To illustrate a goddamn point. I've held 10 babies In my I'll have you know, it's just a cool. It's like a cool thing that Like culturally it's not it's like kind of you know, like it's getting cooler but you Yeah, I give you this I salute you for Trying but but the bigger one is tuning into yourself more than like doing activities therapy. I Ask whatever it's being actually tuning into yourself and actually like What do I want? Yeah, it's a hard thing that it's the most obvious question in the world and it's like the one that People ask it as an afterthought Yeah Yeah, once I get this sugar out my system this month. I'm gonna be a fucking beast I get so much clarity when there's like no coffee in my bloodstream for like two three weeks and I'm like that's when I'm like. Oh, I see the matrix code bitch. Yeah, so Yeah, hey, did you like that? Did you like that? Yeah, did you like it though? You want more don't want to work would rather watch videos of me grab acid with people first I'll go up here to subscribe and then go up here to Watch more clips