 Section 1 of Goops and How to Be Them. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Little Peanut. Goops and How to Be Them by Gillette Burgess. Introduction. Let me introduce a race, void of beauty and of grace, extraordinary creatures with a posity of features. Though their forms are fashioned ill, they have manners, strangers still, for in rudeness they're precocious, they're atrocious, they're ferocious. Yet you'll learn if you are bright politeness from the impolite when you finish with the book at your conduct, take a look. Ask yourself upon the spot are you goop or are you not, for although it's fun to see them, it is terrible to be them. Table manners 1. The goops they lick their fingers and the goops they lick their knives, they spill their broth on the tablecloth, oh they lead disgusting lives. The goops they talk while eating and loud and fast they chew, and that is why I'm glad that I am not a goop are you? Table manners 2. The goops are gluttonous and rude, they gug and gumbo with their food, they throw their crumbs upon the floor, and at dessert they tease for more. They will not eat their soup and bread, but like to gobble sweets instead, and this is why I oft decline when I am asked to stay and dine. Cleanliness 3. The goops they are spotted on chin and on cheek. You could dig the dirt off with a trowel, but you wash your face 20 times every week, and you don't do it at all with a trowel. The goops are all dirty, and what do they do, they like to be dirty and stay so, but if you were dirty you wash wouldn't you? If you needed a bath you would say so. Neatness 4. Goops leave traces everywhere, gums stuck underneath the chair, muddy footprints in the hall show that goops have been to call. Shoes and stockings on the floor show where goops have been before. Courtesy 5. I wonder why it is polite in shaking hands to give your right. I wonder why it is refined in passing one to go behind. I wonder why it is well bred if you must sneeze to turn your head. Perhaps the reason is because the goops they never have such laws. Generosity 6. When you have candy do you go and give your sister half? When little brother stubs his toe do you look on and laugh? The greediest goop would give away the things he didn't need to share the toys with which you play that's generous indeed. Consideration 7. When you are old and get to be 34 or 43 don't you hope that you will see children all respect you? Will they without being told wait on you when you are old or be heedless, selfish, cold? I hope they will not neglect you. Miss Manners 8. No matter how you wish for the last one on the dish Miss Manners has a right to it not you. And the largest one of all or the nicest big or small well I think you'd better leave her that one too. Boring. Whose doll is that on the table? Whose book is that on the chair? The knife and the pencils and other utensils now how did they come to be there? Didn't you say they were borrowed you better take back just a few. If you lent your playthings I think you would say things if no one returned them to you. Memory. My teacher taught me yesterday a very pretty piece to say but when I try to think of it I can't remember it a bit. My head so full of toys and such I can't remember very much. My teacher told me yesterday work when you work play when you play. When I am playing with my toys I am the busiest of boys but when I study or I work I am afraid I am inclined to shirk. And of section one. Section two of Goops and How to Be Them by Gillette Burgess. This Leap of Box recording is in the public domain recording by Little Peanut. Books. I have a notion the books on the shelves are just as much persons as we are ourselves. When you are older you'll find this is true you'd better be careful to make books like you. Honesty. The boy who plays at marbles and doesn't try to cheat. Who always keeps his temper no matter if he's beat is sure to be a favorite with all upon the street. Girl who counts her hundred very fairly when she's it. Who doesn't people listen nor turn around a bit. I'm sure she's not a goop in fact she's quite the opposite. Why? Josephus never yet was hard to say but just one single word. When father said to go to bed then why was all Josephus said. When mother Baydon stop his play then why Josephus used to say he always made the same reply was never anything but why. Bedtime. The night is different from the day. It's darker in the night. How can you ever hope to play when it's no longer light. When bedtime comes it's time for you to stop for when you're yawning. You should be dreaming what you'll do when it's tomorrow morning. Modesty. The proper time for you to show whatever little tricks you know is when grown people ask you to. Then you may show what you can do but sometimes mother's head will ache with all the jolly noise you make and sometimes other people too can't spend the time to play with you. Disfiguration. Have you ever seen the scrolls on the fences and the walls all the horrid little pictures and the horrid little names. Don't you think it is a shame. Are the goops the ones to blame. Did you ever catch them playing at their horrid little games. Bravery. It's terrible brave to try to save a girl on a runaway horse. You could do that of course but think of trying to keep from crying when you're hungry and tired and cross. You couldn't do that of course. Tidiness. Little scraps of paper little crumbs of food make a room on tidy everywhere they're strewed. Do you sharpen pencils ever on the floor what becomes of orange peels and your apple core. Can you blame your mother if she looks severe when she says it looks to me as if the goops were here. Patience. The clock will go slow if you watch it you know you must work right along and forget it. So study your best till it's time for a rest the clock will go fast if you read it. Fortitude. When you have been a naughty child or taken more than was your share when you've been sulky cross or wild you must not say oh I don't care. But when you hate to see it rain and when it's time to comb your hair and when you have a little pain then you can say oh I don't care. George Adolphus. Oh think what George Adolphus did. The children point and stare. He went where a mother had forbidden and said he didn't care. Oh think what George Adolphus did. He made his mother cry. The children whoop you are a goop. Bye George Adolphus. Bye. End of section 2. Section 3 of Goops and How to Be Them by Gillette Burgess. This Leberbox recording is in the public domain recording by Little Peanut. Politeness. I think it would be lots of fun to be polite to everyone. A boy would doff his little hat. A girl would cursey just like that. And both would use such words as these. Excuse me sir. And if you please. Not only just at home you know but everywhere that they should go. Gentleness. When you are playing with the girls you must not pull their pretty curls. If you are gentle when you play you will be glad of it someday. Hospitality. When a person visits you remember he's your guest. Receive him very kindly and be sure he has the best. Make him very comfortable and show him all your toys and only play the games you're very sure that he enjoys. When you pay a visit never grumble or complain. Try to be so affable they want you there again. Don't forget the older ones your hostess least of all. When you're leaving tell her you have had a pleasant call. Pets. Almost every goop forgets when it's time to feed his pets cause his memory fails. Listen to his wails. He's often scratched or bitten by the puppy or the kitten cause he pulls their tails. Remember. Remember not to suck your thumb. Remember not to slam the door. Remember when the collars come to take your toys from off the floor. Curiosity. I think that it would help you much if you remember not to touch the goops do this and they do more. They peep and listen at the door. They open bottles of cologne and feel of parcels not their own. But there are many stupid folks who do not care for children's jokes. Willy. Willy broke the window pane. Willy spilled the ink. Willy left the water pipe running in the sink. Did his mother punish him? No I'll tell you why. Willy he owned up to it and didn't tell a lie. Willy told his mother before she found it out. He said I am so sorry. She said I have no doubt. Clothes. When you are playing in the dirt you should wear clothes you cannot hurt. It will not matter when they are worn if they are just a little torn. But when you are really nicely dressed be careful of your Sunday best. You must not crawl upon your knees. Be careful of your elbows please. Helpfulness. I never knew a goop to help his mother. I never knew a goop to help his dad. And they never do a thing for one another. They are actually absolutely bad. If you ask a goop to go and post a letter or to run upon an errand how they act. But somehow I imagine you are better and you try to go and you cry to go in fact. Quietness. Hush for your father is reading. Hush for your mother is ill. Hush for the baby is sleeping and maybe you'll catch a nice dream if you're still. Kiss me and promise you will. Order. Make your soldiers march away. When you're finished with your play lead them to the barrack box. Make them carry all your blocks. Teach your doll to go to bed. Not to lie about instead. Tell her she must clear away everything she's used today. All your playthings and your toys must be trained like girls and boys. End of section three. Section four of Goops and How to Be Them by Gillette Burgess. This Leap of Box recording is in the public domain. Recording by Little Peanut. Teasing. Tease to linger longer when your mother bids you go. Tease to have a penny when your father answered no. Tease to have a story when your uncle doesn't please. That's the way to be a Goop. Tease, tease, tease. Hint about the carriage when there's only room for three. Hint about the toys you like and every doll you see. Hint about the candy say you're fawn of peppermint. That's the way to be a Goop. Hint, hint, hint. Interruption. Don't interrupt your father when he's telling funny jokes. Don't interrupt your mother when she's entertaining folks. Don't interrupt the visitors when they have come to call. In fact, it's generally wiser not to interrupt at all. Cry, baby. I'm sure that I would rather die than have my playmates see me cry. It twists your face and knots your forehead and makes you look all cross and horrid. And everyone who sees you cries, what is the matter with your eyes? Caution. When you travel in the street, are you cautious and discreet? Do you look about for horses? When your little brother crosses? Do you go the shortest way, never stopping once to play? Turdiness. Goodness gracious sakes alive. Mother said, come home at five. Now the clock is striking six. I am in a Norfolk fix. She will think I can't be trusted and she'll say that she's disgusted. Obedience. The goops are very hard to kill, so they hang out the window sill down the banisters they slide. I could do it if I tried. But when mother tells me don't, then of course I really won't. Church headaches. When is time to go to church? Do you ever have a chill? When is time to go to school? Do you fancy you are ill? Oh, be very cautious, please. I can tell by signs like these. You have got the goop disease. Perseverance. Tony started bright and early clearing up his room. Soon he found he had to stop and make a little broom, so then he went into the yard to get a little stick. But the garden needed weeding, so he said about it quick. Then he found his wagon he intended to repair. So we went into the cellar for that hammer that was there. He had just begun to build a box when it was time for dinner, and that's why Tony's father called his son a good beginner. Doll time. Springs the time for marbles and falls the time for tops, but boys don't know they only go by seeing them in shops. They like a sled in winter, in summer tis a kite, but dolls are found the whole year round and every day and night. Combing and curling. When your mother combs your hair, here's a rhyme for you to say. If you try it, I declare it will take the snarls away. In the ocean of my hair, many little waves are there. Make the coma little boat. Over all the billows float, sail the rough and tangled tide, till it's smooth on every side, till like other little girls, I've a sea of wavy curls. Cheerfulness. Now the book is finished. It's too long by half. Mere didactic chaff. One more rule won't hurt you. When you practice virtue, do it with a laugh. End of section four. End of Goops and How to Be Them by Gillette Burgess.