 No, you don't. You ain't pushing just anybody up on us. Hmm? What are you talking about, soldier? What am I talking about? You tell them, Sarge. Go ahead, tell them. Okay. Look, Fatso, about what time they make us go to bed or what time they make us get up. But week after week, they blow a bugle, line us up, watch us into this hall to listen to what they call entertainment, and... But, fellas, you keep out of this, Bob. Fellas here have pointed us as a committee to sort of pass on the entertainment, see? Yeah. In that way, why, we protect our boys from stepping into those civilian booby traps. Listen, chubby, you tell us who you're gonna bring out here and we'll tell you if it's okay. Well, all right, if you must know. It's none other than Jack Benny. Jack Benny, huh? What do you think, Sarge? I don't know. What do you think? Well, it's either him or Spendin' a half hour in task. You can bring on your style. Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, from the Army Air Base at Gardner Field in near Taft, California, we bring you the one and only... Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, isn't it nice being out here at Gardner Field situated on the shores of beautiful Lake Vuna Vista, a place where you can go trout fishing, swimming, and diving. What was wrong with that joke? What was wrong with it? That joke wilted the flowers on Colonel Bechtel's desk. Be a joke-willing flower. That's impossible. I don't mind you guys standing around, but don't make up a lot. Glad you got here, Mary. Now, maybe we can get on with the show. Yeah, but do you know, Jack, the strangest thing happened just now? Really? What was it? As I walked in here, the flowers in my hair wilted. I think being up here at Gardner Field. Oh, swell. But yesterday, when we got here, one of the soldiers rushed me over to see Lake Vuna Vista. Some excitement. Well, they're proud of Vuna Vista, Mary. That's a beautiful lake. Go on. I see more water at W. C. O. Field's party. Stop exaggerating it. It's the only lake where a girl can go out for a boat ride and walk back. How come the fish are sunburn on one side? Mary, please. Isn't there anything else you can talk about? Oh, sure. You know, Jack, last night I was out with a soldier. Look, Mary, on every program, you hear about the girl going out with a soldier. So let's not have any of that on our show. But, Jack, last night I was out with a soldier. Mary, I don't want you to... Just because I wouldn't give him a kiss. And then he laid down on the railroad track. Oh, well, don't worry about it, Mary. I've heard about the train service around here. By the time a train gets here, the war will be over. He'll be a civilian. And when he's paying for his own clothes again, he ain't going to lie down on any dirty old railroad track. Well, let's forget about it and get on with the show. Come in. For the United States Army Air Force Station at Gardner Field, I wish to present you with these wings. Wing? Yes. I'm sorry to risk that a chicken got away. Goodbye. Hey, fellas, start beating them chow tones together. Harris is here. Oh, brother, thanks, you pretty things. You know something? You guys really know talent. Tell, tell. Keep quiet. But these guys really know talent. Tell, will you? Let him talk, but he doesn't have to be so hammy about it. Hammy, you're the one that gets all the receptions. Look what happened yesterday when we got off the bus. Who took the bounce? You did. I didn't get no welcome. What are you talking about? Well, we got here and I signed all those autographs. I sent every one of those soldiers over to get your autograph, too. You did that just to show off. You know I can't write. Right. I didn't mean to embarrass you. You didn't, huh? Then why did you hide my rubber stamps? Oh, buts with it. That's why. Just like a kid. And another thing, Jackson. I know the trick you played on me last year. What trick? Well, you switched rubber stamps on me, and for three weeks I would sign in my name. Fragile, this and that. The spellers' own name ought to be ashamed of themselves. Will you? And now, fellas. Mr. Bernie. Yes? Did some silly guy come in here a while ago and present you with a pair of chicken wings? Yes. Yeah, but I... I threw him away. Oh. Well, what's your mind telling me, William Truman? Try to get John Charles Thomas. Mary, please. Well, if you won't tell him, I will. Listen, fellas. It was Thursday night. Mary, I don't want you to... He invited me over to his house for dinner. There were just the two of us, and we were finishing eating when... What a dinner. Mustard, ketchup and horseradish. Do you want some coffee now, Mary? Uh-huh. Good. I'll ring for Aunt. You get what you want these days on account of shortages. This makes a fine dinner bell. But, Jack, it doesn't look nice hitting an empty garbage pail with an old turkey bone. Honey, did you ring for me or did you just throw something in the garbage? But what have you got? I'm good. What would you suggest, Rochester? The custard is the best buy. The best buy? But charging Miss Livingston for the dinner. Now, bring some coffee and custard. Yes, sir. Say, Jack, it's getting close to Sunday. What are you going to do about a singer for your program? Well, Mary, I haven't given up hopes of getting Sinatra yet. Oh, I think you ought to forget about Sinatra. He has too much radio work already. He's on the hip parade and beside that, he's got another show of his own. Oh, yes. One Man Famine. That week's show. But I've never used anything that corny, you know. Yes, I know. Anyway, I'm not going to worry about him. I'll find a singer. Hey, Mary, do you want to hear some good music? I bought a new record for my phonograph. It's about time. I'm getting tired of the chic of Araby. I don't know, Mary. It's a pretty good number for my friends, too. Anyway, while you hear this new one, I'll wind up the phonograph. Oh, darn it, the horn keeps falling off. Here's a new record, Mary. Which side do you want to hear first? How do I know? What songs are on it? Well, on one side of the record is John Charles Thomas singing when my boy comes home. And on the other side, despite Jones playing, I kiss the butcher's daughter till her old man put up a beat. Thomas, getting right to the point, I'm looking for someone to sing on my radio program, and I thought someone as famous as you was perfect for it. Jack, you compliment me. Oh, I mean it. I think your voice would lend dignity and prestige to my shows. Jack, you flatter me. And I'm here to make you a financial offer. Here comes the insult. That's your middle name. You see, Dennis Day worked for me, and after five years, I paid him $35 a week. I see. But naturally, I wouldn't expect an opera singer like you to work for that kind of money. Naturally. So instead of offering you $35, I'm willing to stretch it just a little bit. And give you... Pardon me for interrupting, Mr. Thomas. Yes, Martin. I'm leaving now for my night off. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And, Martin, before you go, I'll give you your weekly salary. Thank you, sir. Here you are. 20, 40, 60, 70, 80, 90... $100. There you are, Martin. Thank you, sir. Now, what was it you were saying, Mr. Benny? Well... Well, the feeling that you and I can't get together. You couldn't even get together with his butler. How much of your time? Now, wait a minute, Jack. I think I understand your predicament. You're stuck for a singer. Yes, sir. Well, I couldn't possibly take the job, but in order to help you out, I'll be very happy to come over and sing on one program. You will? One program? Did you hear that, Mary? Gee, that's swell, Mr. Thomas. What would you like me to sing? Oh, anything. Anything. Doesn't make any difference. What you sing? Your voice is enough. And since you're accustomed to paying $35, I may as well take the money. Oh. What? What was that you said? I said I don't have a very large repertoire. Well, brother, from where I'm standing, you have the... I'm not going...