 Thank you for coming in today. Yeah. So, uh, Martin, what makes you think you're a good fit for this job? I do what needs to be done. That's pretty vague. Life is vague. Right. I looked over your resume and all you wrote under experience was orphan and assassin. Would you mind explaining that? All I remember of my early life is the streets. My parents were nobodies, and so was I. I had no friends, only allies and the other urchins and gangs that roamed the slums. The only way I could survive was by sneaking and stealing. Eventually I discovered that I could sneak into the homes of cruel nobles and slit their throats while they slept. Seems a little edgy, but, uh, okay. Do you have experience with things like fighting monsters, facing world-devouring evils or deposing tyrannical kings? The cruelest, most evil monster of all is man. The only man is capable of cruelty for no purpose. When a wolf eats a deer, he seeks only to fill his belly. When I strangle puppies, I merely seek to feel something other than crushing emptiness. You strangle puppies? Only on Mondays. And how is your love life? I don't love. I just have sex. Lots and lots of sex with prostitutes and other women that come near me. They usually get killed by my enemies not long after, so I don't see the point in getting attached. Martin, are you familiar with antisocial personality disorder? No. Why? No reason. Thank you for coming. We'll call you for a follow-up interview. Uh, next. Hi. Hi. Great to see you. Great to be here. The name's Azaleo. I know what you're thinking. What does this kid think he's doing here? Isn't he a little young to-be-the-hero who saves the world from the Dark Lord? Actually, you're the perfect age. I am? Yeah, fantasy heroes and chosen ones can't be older than 20. The ideal age is between 16 and 18. Oh. Yep, people think we want someone with experience and maturity, but that leaves us with fewer opportunities for drama and character development. I noticed on your application you said that you weren't an orphan? No, but my dad is dead. He was killed by an evil usurper king when he lost his throne. Lost? Throne. So you're the rightful heir to a kingdom? Yes, sir, but I never act like a spoiled prince. I act like any regular average Joe. Oh, the audience will love that. Do you have any previous experience as a protagonist? No, but I was in a love triangle with one. She was a teenage rebel who overthrew the usurper king and the other guy was her childhood friend who turned into a brooding rebel bad boy. Did she...? Yeah, she chose him. I'm sorry about that. I'll have to cut this off now. We're looking for a protagonist for an epic fantasy, not a young adult fantasy. Is there really a...? Yes, there's a difference. Thank you for your time. Now get out. Next. Hello there. Your name is Sam? Yes, this is a job interview, right? Yeah. What? My friend sent in my resume without me knowing I was kind of surprised to get a callback. Who is this friend? An old man. He runs an antique store downtown, always going on about alchemy and fairies and magic and stuff. Do you believe in fairies and magic, Sam? Of course not. I used to be a detective. I don't believe in anything that doesn't have proof. A detective? That's interesting. What kind of cases did you solve? Oh, lots. There were bizarre cults, murders that seemed impossible to solve until we teamed up with a spunky reporter, even a guy who thought he was a werewolf. Was he a werewolf? Of course not. He just grew a lot of hair once a month and tore apart rabbits with his teeth. There's no such thing as werewolves. Oh, I'm sorry. I think there's been some sort of mix up. This is an interview for an epic fantasy protagonist, not an urban fantasy protagonist. I thought this was a consulting position with a bank. First a cop, then a banker? Jesus Christ, remind me to call you if we need a dark lord. Next, can I just say how impressed I am with this city? No, you can't. Listen, Petrin. Wait, your name is Petrin? Is that a typo? No, what makes you think that? Well, it sounds almost normal but not quite. Most people in my village have names like that. Village? Yes, I live in a forest village where most of the people are farmers. Forest? Village? Is there an innkeeper? Only one. He's the town gossip and he always informs us of any mysterious strangers that wander through the area. One time an old scholar came through and wanted to investigate some ruins in the woods that the elders always told us to keep away from. Ooh, mysterious. Yes, very mysterious. Are your parents alive? Yes, they still work on our farm. The village hasn't been burned down yet. That's good. Do you yearn for adventure? It's my only real personality trait. How would you feel about being a chosen one who has to save the world? I would do it. I just complain a lot. Like, man, this is a heavy responsibility. I know I was hoping for adventure, but I'm at the type of adventure where I just killed some rats or something. Wow. I'll be honest, you sound perfect so far. Just one more question. How was your sex life? Sex? What's that? Excellent. Come back tomorrow for your second round interview. But what's sex? I'll tell you when you're older. Next, and you're... Harold? That's me. Harold. Harold Cobbler. At your service. That sounds derivative. Derivative? I spent my whole life being raised by cruel, normal people after my parents died. Then one day I discovered I'm magic and I can go on adventures. I even have my own wand. See? Get the fuck out.