 How do we get United Airlines to drag our new Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch out of his seat? It's 3 a.m. Friday, April 14th, 2017. I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show. Let's get right to it. On today's show, wow. Comedians, Dom Herera, Kira Sultanovic and Alonzo Bowden. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman. DavidFeldmanshow.com. Please friend me on Facebook. Follow me on Twitter. Do all your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman show website. And also check out Pay What You Want. Alex Brazil, my executive producer, the executive producer of this show, the owner of ShowBriz Studios. He got Jeremy. He's a great editor. Anyway, they're working on a live comedy album for me, for us, for you. And you can hear the first 10 minutes of my new comedy album by going to my website and you pay what you want to hear, pay what you want. That's the name of the album, Pay What You Want. We'll have it up, I don't know, around Thanksgiving. So please pay what you want. We're doing another live taping of this podcast at QED in Astoria, Saturday at 7.30 on April 29th. This is going to be great. Sean Donnelly, Pat Dixon are already on the bill. We're still adding to it. Maybe Jackie the Jokeman will come and do it again. He did our last live show at QED in Astoria. And tickets are only $8 to see a live taping of the David Feldman show. For more information, please go to QEDastoria.com. That's the letter Q as in quiff, E as in erectile dysfunction, D as in datting, right? Astoria, A as in Astoria, S as in so you're going to keep doing the stupid bit, T as in teabagging, O as in, oh my God, David Feldman is a cretin, I as in, you know, I was going to go see David at QED in Astoria on the 29th of April, but now I've changed my mind. A as in auto-erotic asphyxiation, anyway, QEDastoria.com. You should check out that website despite me. Go to QEDastoria.com to find out more information about the live taping of the David Feldman show. April 29th, tickets are $8. The show starts at 7 p.m. Astoria Queens, if you're visiting New York, trust me, get on the end train. I think it's the end train. It'll take you to Astoria. It's the last stop on the end train and one of the greatest subway rides in New York because it's above ground. Get to see the entire skyline of Manhattan. The subway is less than $3. Tickets to see a live taping of the David Feldman show, $8, $11 to come out to Astoria to see a live taping of my podcast and you can walk around Astoria, some of the greatest Greek restaurants in the world, in the world are in Astoria because there are so many Greeks in Astoria, it's actually called Astoria. That's how many Greeks there are in Astoria. It's really called Astoria because of the Greeks. So if you know anybody who lives in Astoria, then call them up and say, hey, Alexandros, you live in Astoria. Go see a live taping of David Feldman's podcast at QED on April 29th. Tickets are just $8 or go to QEDastoria.com. That's Q as in queef, E as in erectile dysfunction, D as in that ain't right. Okay. QEDastoria.com and buy the tickets for your friend as a gift. Here's why. Let's say you live in California. Give this as a gift. Go to QEDastoria.com, $8. You can give a gift to a friend who lives in New York. They can come see a live taping of the show and here's why. You are supporting my favorite club, QED, and my favorite people in the world, Christian Finnegan. Christian Finnegan, this is an amazing comedian. He opened this club with his amazing wife, Cambry, and it's a gym for stand-up comedians. And every time I walk in there, I want to be a stand-up comic and you need to support QED because it's what a comedy club should be. And remember how Barry Crimmins on Tuesday's show was talking about the novel idea of treating comedians with respect? Well, New York is a tough town for comics and QED is ROASIS. It's a home for lost souls who have nothing in their life other than making people laugh. So get your ass out to Astoria and come see a live taping of my podcast at QED on the 29th of April. That's a Saturday. We start the show at 7.30. We're going to have a lot of surprise guests. I want to sell this show out. So please, I don't ask for much. Go to QED Astoria, eight bucks for tickets. Go to QEDastoria.com. Let me help you out because you may not know how to spell QED Astoria. So it's the letter Q as in quiff, E as in erectile dysfunction and D as in that ain't right. Astoria as in Astoria. S as in, okay, we'll be right back. I flew in United yesterday. Did you know that they charge an extra $75 if you want to be dragged out of your seat by your legs? This is what everyone's upset about. This doctor got yanked, that got pulled out of the airplane. Shouldn't we be worrying about not who's being pulled out of our airplanes, but what's being dropped out of our airplanes like in Afghanistan or Syria? I mean, we are killing innocent civilians, but that's all we talk about. The good doctor who got dragged out of his seat by security guards working for United. It's horrible. I know. I know it's horrible. But you know, when you fly, you make a covenant with the airlines that you're going to be obedient and do what you're told. I know the guy was a doctor. He got roughed up. But pick your battles. The airlines are in charge. Of course, they're wrong. So get off the plane and then make a stink. Don't make a stink inside the plane. It already stinks enough. Just leave. Don't make them drag you off the jet. You're flying. That's an indignity. You're a flying coach. Surrender. You lost. Part of the allure of flying is that you have to surrender. It's kind of like why I enjoy flying. You have zero control. It's one of the few moments. It's one of the few periods in your life when you have to accept that you have no control. I'm a control freak. And being forced to just completely abandon everything. Embrace it. Pick your battles. You're a doctor. I get it. You like to be in control. But pick your battles. You're about to be launched in aluminum tube hurtling 650 miles an hour, 30,000 feet in the air. You know, one disruptive passenger can kill people. So, you know, we all have to do what we're told. It's not fair. Flying is an insult. We bailed out the airlines after 9-11 and they returned the favor by charging us for a pillow. I get it. I get it. But do what you're told. Even a doctor, I'm sorry, but even a doctor has to answer to a flight attendant. Give up your seat. Embrace flying because it's the great equalizer. Nobody's better than anybody else. We all have to just sit in our seats and take it. Just take it. Just pick your battles. Speaking of battles, Donald Trump is saying if he can do a better job killing people overseas than he can killing them in America by passing the Republican healthcare bill. Sean Spicer defended Donald Trump's attack on Syria by saying that even Hitler didn't use chemical weapons on his own people. In all fairness, what Sean Spicer meant by Hitler not using chemical weapons on his own people is I needed a job and nobody else would hire me, so just pretend I should be here. Okay? After that, the military unleashed the mother of all bombs on Afghanistan. Not sure dropping Sherri Lansing on ISIS is going to really accomplish anything. Sherri Lansing was the head of paramount and she was replaced, I think, by Brad Gray because she was responsible for bombs, so that would be, that would make her a mother of all bombs, like that joke. Sean Spicer said the mother of all bombs, I don't know if you saw, you probably saw on CNN, Moab. Sean Spicer said Moab was necessary on Thursday in order to draw attention away from what a dismal job Donald Trump is doing domestically. When Spicer said Trump dropped the mother of all bombs, I thought he meant Steve Bannon was finally fired. Quite a week for Trump, he fired missiles at Syria, now he's dropping bombs on Afghanistan and he's keeping his promise to bomb the quote-unquote shit out of ISIS. Well, this past week, I gained a little insight into Donald Trump. We've always talked on the show how it's impossible to plumb the depths of this man's depravity and his insanity. We can't understand his need to be surrounded by sick of fans, even members of his own family who will tell him whatever he wants to hear as if their job depends upon it, which in fact it does. It does depend on telling Donald everything he wants to hear. That's one of the benefits to hiring your children. They are forced to love you, no matter what, because you can fire them. It's pretty intoxicating. I love my kids, but I know I speak for every parent. I wouldn't mind having the ability to fire my kids. Your three adult kids working for you and they can't challenge you the way normal kids can because you're the boss. Eric, Don Jr., Ivanka, they're in their thirties and they're still collecting their allowance. Wow. Is Ivanka in her thirties? I don't know if she's in there. Look, they're pushing 30 and they're collecting their allowance from their father. That's pretty demeaning for a child, but great for the father. If I could have swung that, oh, I would have in a second. I mean, you know, imagine walking into the dining room for Thanksgiving and all your kids suddenly get nervous because the boss just entered. We're always told friends should never go into business with each other because somebody will take advantage of the relationship, cross the line, bring emotion into it and the business and the friendship will come crashing down. But when a father hires his three kids and that father is a malignant narcissist like Donald Trump, man, he's got it made. He's got three employees who are permanently crippled as three kids. They know they can't go anywhere else because anywhere else is a meritocracy, so they will definitely sink, not float. Sure, they could get a job somewhere else, but they're not going to make the kind of money that Donald pays them for their allowance. And certainly they're not going to have access to the guy in charge the way they do now. That's what being the son of the boss gets you. The great thing for Trump is having his three idiot kids working for him, so he gets to conflate love with money. That's what malignant narcissists do. Malignant narcissists like Donald Trump live for conflating love with money. Donald Trump gets zero back talk from his kids. Think about that. Do you have kids? Think about what that's like to have your kids pretend to worship you. Having somebody pretend to worship you versus somebody actually worshiping you. I don't see the difference. You can pretend to worship me or just worship me. I'll take either one. His kids worship him because if they have a falling out, which most fathers and children have, it goes with the territory, then if they have a falling out, then Eric, Don Jr., Ivanka, they have to actually work for a living and they have to deal with real bosses who probably don't want to adopt them. It's really not what you're supposed to do. You're not supposed to hire your children. I mean, if you're not a malignant narcissist, you shouldn't hire your children because the problem with hiring your own kids is they lose out on probably the most important lesson when it comes to getting through life. When you work for a living, when you are forced to go out and make your own way, it forces you to compromise. When you don't have your parents to fall back on, one of the things you learn quickly is how to eat shit. And eating shit is really important. You not only have to learn how to eat shit, but you have to learn how to say thank you. May I have some more shit? And then you have to ask if you can take some of the shit home in a doggie bag and eat a little more for breakfast. Eating shit is key to understanding business. Eating shit is what life is. It's what love is. It's compromise. We all have to eat shit. And we all have to remember the taste of that shit so that when we're in charge, we don't make other people eat too much shit. But everyone who wants to earn a living, everyone, you have to eat shit. That's why we need a draft in this country. You turn 18, you spend two years of your life eating shit. Even Donald Trump has to eat shit. And I'm not talking about what the Russian hookers make them do. If you want to succeed, pay your own bills, survive in this world, especially in America, you have to eat shit. And it's that rare bird who gets into a position of power and tries his best not to make the people below him or her eat shit. I've had some bosses who didn't make me eat shit. They preferred pissing on me. I do think there are bosses in this world or business partners in this world or lovers who really go out of their way not to make you eat shit. But you should still learn how to eat shit. You should learn what shit tastes like so you know the indignity of eating shit. And you know that only a sadist enjoys making other people eat shit. And you should do everything in your life not to make people eat shit. You cannot know that forcing somebody to eat shit is abusive unless you've tasted shit. Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka, they don't eat shit. They've never tasted shit. Ivanka doesn't eat shit. She doesn't eat anything because in order for the brand to exist, she has to be anorexic. So how did I gain insight into my, I'm not going to say president, how did I gain insight into Donald? Well, this week, for some reason, my friends and family were nice to me. I don't know why they probably need something. Nobody in my immediate family or my friends, for some reason this week, they didn't complain about my clothes, my driving, the breadcrumbs that landed on the reading glasses around my neck during dinner. Something's up. Something's up. I know in a few days they're going to come after me. But for some reason, maybe it's spring, maybe people are in love, so they've decided to stop blaming me for all their problems. Maybe they've gotten a little older and don't have the energy to use me as a punching bag. But for some reason, I could do no wrong this week with my friends, my family, the people I work with. And that has to be what Donald Trump feels like all the time. I'm telling you, it's not bad. Donald Trump doesn't get any crap from his kids, from Melania, from the people who work for him. And I'm telling you, if you get a taste of that, it's not bad. It's not bad, but it makes me uneasy because it's too quiet. They're up to something. My kids, my friends, the people I work with, my mother, my sisters, my brothers, my nieces and nephews, it's too quiet. I know in a few days they're going to hit me with a surprise attack. Right now, I'm the United States 8th Army in South Korea, and the Chinese are secretly amassing troops along the Manchurian border and getting ready to ring down a heap of pain on me. But right now, I'll take the peace and quiet. I'll take it. My kids never went for the unconditional love thing. Probably because I didn't pay them for unconditional love the way Donald Trump does. Everything with my kids was transactional, especially the love. A few years ago, I was talking with one of my daughters and some of her friends, and I jokingly refer to Ashley Tinsdale. I think that's her name. Well, anyway, I pronounced it Ashley Dimmesdale. I don't remember if I did it on purpose or not, but that's one of the things I used to do around my kids. I would say, hey, are you going to go see Spiderman with Toby McIntyre? And they would say, it's Toby McGuire. And I would say, I know, Toby McIntyre. It's what fathers do. I can't explain it. It's just what you do. Anyway, I called Ashley Tinsdale, Ashley Dimmesdale or something, and my daughter stopped talking to me for like a month because of that. Donald Trump calls Mexicans rapists. He separates mothers from children. He openly boasts about grabbing pussy. But Ivanka is still standing there, singing her daddy's praises, and it's because she's on the payroll. Every daughter is disgusted by her father. But not Ivanka, because she sees a dollar sign on her father's head. You and I, we see a dead blonde possum on Donald's head. Ivanka sees a dollar sign, and she's not going to allow herself to lose her job or her allowance. It's a tough job working for Donald. Especially if you're Ivanka, she's everything Donald wants in a woman, himself. He doesn't leave her alone. She's on call 24-7, which is why listeners to my show know that last week when Merrill Marco and I were talking, we came up with the idea that Ivanka converted to orthodox Judaism not because Jared Kushner wanted her to. She doesn't care about that schlep Jared Kushner. No, for Ivanka, the only allure of orthodox Judaism is the strict observance of the Sabbath. That's right. No phone on Saturday. No cars. You can't travel. You have to stay home. What does that mean? No Donald Trump. No daddy. That's what a horrible pain the ass Donald Trump is. In order to guarantee that one seventh of her life could be spent away from him, his own daughter, Ivanka, was forced to convert to the very last thing any normal woman would ever choose, orthodox Judaism. From blonde Gentile to orthodox Judaism, you're going to blow out the transmission. Nobody goes from Gentile to orthodox Judaism. Unless they're hiding from someone. And that someone is her malignant narcissist of a father, Donald Trump. Do you really think she was inspired by Jared to convert to orthodox Judaism? Trust me, Jared Kushner and his family are not the Jewish Kennedys. Granted, they're criminals like the Kennedys, but they're not the Kennedys. I could see marrying the Kennedys and converting to Roman Catholicism, and that was part of my plan in high school. I had it all figured out in high school. I figured that after I graduated from Harvard Law, I would marry Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of JFK, and the family would probably make me convert to Catholicism, but that's okay because it's the Kennedys, and it's more important that Caroline be happy because she's Caroline Kennedy, and I'm supposed to marry Caroline Kennedy. The things then turn out the way I planned. I like to think it's because Caroline and I never laid eyes upon each other. Looking back, I probably wasn't her type. I don't like to sail, play football, make tons of money. I'm not into that whole respectable human being who can hold his head up high in public kind of thing. That's just not my style. Anyway, Jared Kushner is not a Kennedy. Ivanka didn't convert to Orthodox Judaism to be accepted by the grand doyens of society, the Kushners. She converted to Orthodox Judaism for one reason. There's one guaranteed day a week where there's no Donald Trump, and I think most Americans would convert to Orthodox Judaism if we all could be guaranteed at least one day a week of no Donald Trump. When it comes to malignant narcissists, Donald hasn't made. Nobody questions him, not even his children, and being able to escape the scorn and ridicule of your children that has to be intoxicating. That has to be delicious for him. For his kids, well, that's just building up inside of them. Not to be able to openly scorn and ridicule your father that's got to make you sick. Scorn and ridicule of your father is the jet fuel that makes all of us reach for the stars. Nobody succeeds because of love. We succeed in life because we hate our fathers. I had the greatest father in the world, and I hated him because sons hate their fathers. Daughters hate their fathers. Not all the time, but enough, you have to hate them. It's biologically baked into your DNA to hate your father. Again, not all the time, just most of the time. Your father is an embarrassment because he's a window into your future. All those things that he does to annoy you, you're going to be doing those same exact things, and you won't even realize it because that's the cycle of violence. Your father annoys you and you annoy your children. It's the circle of life. It's the circle of wishing you were dead. Fathers are detestable because we're not interested. We say we're interested. We're not. And you know we're not interested. You can tell we're not interested because life didn't turn out the way we planned. I'm not Mrs. Caroline Kennedy. I know I didn't measure up. I'd like to enjoy your little league game, son, but I'm not Mrs. Caroline Kennedy, and it's eating away at me. Hey, you got on base. Good for you. It bothers me. And Donald Trump is bothered by the fact that he's Donald Trump. Donald Trump isn't interested in his children or his wife or his country. He's interested in the fact that he's Donald Trump, and he has spent his entire life trying to figure out what that means. So the Trump kids, by working for their dad, have been denied that one guilty pleasure most children should enjoy. They should enjoy. They must enjoy. And that is the unbridled hatred for their father. Ivanka, Eric, and Don Jr., they can't hate their father because then they don't get their allowance. So they have to find, you know, a workaround. Ivanka, as I said, converted to Orthodox Judaism to get that one day a week without grab ass from her father. And Eric and Don Jr. kill endangered species to sublimate their abject hatred for their father. That's how they deal with it. They go to Africa and they kill lions and zebras. No matter how much you think you hate Donald Trump, trust me, his three kids, Ivanka, Don Jr. and Eric, they hate him more than all of us combined. I mean, the man raped their mother. And the only reason she had it removed from the divorce deposition according to the New York Times and CNN is because she wanted a bigger payday. That's what happens when you care more about money than you do your own self-respect or laws about marital rape. I know we have Republicans controlling the White House, the Supreme Court, and both houses of Congress, but last time I checked, you're still not allowed to rape your wife. But this is why I bring this up. In 2015, Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen, he was a special counsel to Donald Trump and an executive vice president at the Trump Organization, he had to apologize in July of 2015 after he told the Daily Beast that legally, quote, you cannot rape your spouse. Cohen, Michael Cohen, Trump's lawyer was defending his client against allegations that he raped his first wife Ivanka, the mother of Ivana, Don Jr. and Eric. That's a lawyer who said you cannot rape your spouse. That's Michael Cohen who charges Donald Trump, I don't know, let's say $1,000 an hour for his legal advice, and he thinks there's no such thing as marital rape because that's who Donald Trump surrounds himself with. Lawyers who take $1,000 an hour to tell Donald Trump whatever he wants to hear. No Donald, you didn't rape your wife, now give me $1,000. By the way, you're also not allowed to beat your wife, I don't know if you knew that, but you can't beat your wife or rape your wife. Andrew Puzder was Trump's first pick for labor secretary, he didn't get the job. He was the CEO of Carl's Jr. and then he stepped down from that job when he was nominated for labor secretary. It turns out his wife called the police several times on him because I guess she claimed he was beating her up and in 1990 she showed up on Oprah in disguise, anonymously claiming that her husband, she didn't name him directly, she said that he would make her pay for repeatedly embarrassing him by calling the police after he allegedly punched her. Eventually when it came down to filing charges, Andrew Puzder's first wife, she didn't file charges, she went on Oprah in disguise, but she took his money instead because that's usually what happens in a divorce when the husband is abusive and successful. If you want to divorce a rich physically abusive husband, you pretty much have to keep your mouth shut because if it comes out that say Trump, Donald Trump is a rapist or Andrew Puzder is a wife beater, then you're tarnishing the brand. Your ex-husband's future earnings are then jeopardized and so these ex-husbands can't pay the alimony. That's how it works. So you usually, you know, what happened was Ivana allegedly claimed in the divorce deposition that Donald raped her and then she walked it back because she didn't want to tarnish his image because if Donald Trump was known as a rapist, he couldn't pay her the alimony she wanted. I bring this up because there have been a lot of bombs going off in Syria and Afghanistan the past couple of weeks and, you know, it's impossible to plumb the depths of depravity in these people. Could you press the button to drop the mother of all bombs? I'm not saying Donald Trump is a rapist. Ivana said that and then she retracted it and I'm not saying his pick for labor secretary was physically abusive. Puzder's wife told Oprah that. What I'm saying is that it wouldn't surprise me if Trump raped Ivana or Andrew Puzder beat his wife. The same way it doesn't surprise me that Donald Trump would order an airstrike in Syria and Afghanistan for no other reason than looking presidential. I'm not saying he didn't kill some terrorists this week in Afghanistan. I'm saying it wouldn't bother him if the mother of all bombs also accidentally killed some innocent people or as the military calls that collateral damage. You don't have a second thought about the mother of all bombs because you haven't had a second thought about the mother of all your adult children and the mothers of Tiffany and Barron. I have no doubt that Donald Trump who spent the late 70s and early 80s evicting 90 year old women to make way for a high rise knowing that those women would die just from being forced to move. I'm saying it wouldn't bother Donald Trump to drop bombs to look presidential and if a couple of innocent people have to die so what? We do not have accurate bombs and most of us would know this if we had an accurate media. There's no such thing as smart bombs when they're being fired by a moron like Donald Trump. For example, on Tuesday another American airstrike in Syria killed 18 Syrian fighters who are on our side. They're fighting with us to defeat Assad. Last month Iraqi officials and residents claimed 200 civilians died in Mosul from a U.S.-led airstrike. Lieutenant general Stefan Townsend said after the 200 civilians in Mosul died he said if we did it and I'd say there's at least a fair chance that we did it was an unintentional accident of war that's what he said late last month at the Pentagon. It was an unintentional accident of war. Are we at war in Iraq? Did Congress ever declare war? Didn't we pull the troops out? Who are we fighting in Iraq? Are we paying attention? Air Wars is a British journalist led transparency project working to collect numbers on civilian casualties caused by coalition Russian and American international airstrikes specifically in Syria and Iraq. They analyzed data that the Pentagon has provided as well as local newspapers on the ground and they published news of their findings. I learned about them through the New York Times this week. They claim that by mid-March American coalition airstrikes had killed possibly as many as 1,000 civilians in Syria and Iraq so far this year. That's mid-March. What is that about? 10 weeks coalition airstrikes killed roughly a thousand civilians in Syria and Iraq. I urge you to go to airstrikes.org and look at it pretty amazing. It's just coalition forces kill three civilians in Raqqa, two in Mosul and one day it just adds up every day. It's been said the first casualty of war is the truth. The problem with Trump is the truth can't die when it's not even alive. Donald Trump is not equipped to be our commander-in-chief. We're told that he's surrounding himself with some of the Pentagon's greatest minds you know as David Halberstein would have called them the best and the brightest. Kennedy and Johnson had the best and the brightest and the best and the brightest dragged us into Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia. It cost us nearly 60,000 American lives millions of lives of innocent people living in Indochina not to mention the drain on our treasury. That's why we need to be protected from the best and the brightest. We need a president to Congress who goes slowly into war not rush headlong into war and that's my problem with Tomahawk missiles and Moab's the smart bombs. Tomahawk missiles, smart bombs, mother of all bombs have great appeal to men who think you can solve a problem just by pressing a button. These missiles are sold to us as clean hits, they're laser guided, they're even little cameras on them so you can watch as they hit their target and it's all clean, right? Even an unwashed degenerate living in his mother's attic logging on to Pornhub at four in the morning couldn't dream up this level of fetish porn. Like fetish porn, Tomahawk missiles are a fantasy. Smart bombs are a fantasy. Winning a war from the air is a fantasy. It just is and it's something that we wish were true which is why we continue to jerk off to it. It's why firing 60-some-odd Tomahawk missiles into Syria feels so good because it's porn. We watch it on CNN and it temporarily fulfills the fantasy that we can solve the world's problems with just the push of a button. Tomahawk missiles, you're fired and it's over but it's not. It's not over. All we did was feel good temporarily. There's a problem in Syria and we have to do something, right? Well, let's just fire some bombs because that's the easiest thing to do. Bringing Syrian refugees into America? No, we can't do that. Each Tomahawk missile is a couple of million dollars. How much food and medicine could that money deliver to Syrian refugees instead of bombing their country? But there's nothing telegenic about America handing money to the United Nations and then UN peacekeepers showing up in a refugee camp and slowly, methodically, inoculating and then feeding Syrian refugees. There's nothing to watch but a show of force. Well, that's a show. Shock and awe, something. We love seeing that on TV. It's July 4th. The rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air and no people. We don't see people. We don't see people, no people. We can't even see the refugees being fed or being given medicine because that's disturbing. No, the only Syrian children we see are the ones who were killed by sarin gas because they're dead and dead children can't be brought to America. So there's no threat to us. CNN shows us the dead children in Syria because that can motivate us to get even, you know, to go to war, to fire missiles at the culprit behind the dead children. Dead Syrian children, dead from sarin gas. That's an eye for an eye. But, you know, starving Syrian children, Syrian children who need a safe place to live, well that's far more disturbing to the American people because that means we have to actually do something other than press a button and fire a missile. That's our fetish porn, these tomahawk missiles. They can solve every problem. Press a button, fire those missiles and of course Assad will stop gassing his own people. He'll wise up and the war will end because America has spoken and the world listens. It's just a fantasy. And someone like Trump wants to believe that and he will cherry pick each fact to back up the belief that tomahawks can solve your problems because that's what incurious people have to do and advisors will tell them anything just as long as it's not their life or career on the line. For a thousand dollars an hour a lawyer will tell Donald Trump there's no such thing as marital rape. Military advisors will tell the president that America can win a war from the air because it's what everyone likes to think and it's safe to recommend an air assault, safe to recommend an air assault because no American soldiers get killed just innocent women and children. The fact is air assaults don't work. We dropped and please pay attention to this. We dropped more bombs on North Vietnam than all the bombs we dropped on Germany, Japan, Korea combined. Listen to me during the Vietnam War America dropped more bombs on Vietnam than all the bombs we had ever dropped in all our wars combined. And last time I checked North Vietnam no longer exists. It's Vietnam, the whole country is communist. Remember Shakenaw? Remember when George W. Bush invaded Iraq? First he softened up the Republican Guard, not his Republican Guard, the other band of Republican murderers, Hussein's Republican Guard. He softened them up with shock and awe. Daisy Cutters, they were like Moab, the mother of all bombs and we dropped a Daisy Cutter into Baghdad and for a while we thought we got Saddam Hussein. Of course we didn't. It took almost a year to find them but that shock and awe looked pretty great, smoke, flames, sirens, but we weren't allowed to see dead people. Most of you are too young to remember this but when we invaded Iraq in 2003 it was considered bad cricket if the television networks showed any dead Iraqis. Now you had to turn on Al Jazeera to see the dead Arabs in Iraq and they were killed by our smart bombs. Rumsfeld and Bush, they kept telling us smart bombs were precise and there would be no collateral damage but Al Jazeera told us otherwise. They showed pictures and we didn't get to see them unless we watched Al Jazeera. Al Jazeera was showing us the hospitals and the kids being treated or dying from our smart bombs so we bombed Al Jazeera. On the morning of April 8th 2003 at 740 a.m Al Jazeera's Baghdad office was attacked by a warthog ground attack aircraft and it killed several journalists but of course it was an accident because America doesn't kill journalists and we don't kill children and we certainly don't kill innocent people because we're America. Our bombs are smart just like our presidents who lead us into war. According to the Iraq body count project which counts the number of dead civilians following the 2003 invasion of Iraq instigated by George W. Bush 70% of the casualties in that invasion were civilians not enemy combatants not militia not the military 70% were innocent civilians and so Donald Trump bombed Syria he bombs Afghanistan we're being told he's presidential now. His poll numbers are getting as they say yeasty they're rising because he's killing people. America kills innocent women and children overseas. They tend to be Arab. Do I want to believe that America doesn't kill innocent women and children overseas? Yes but it's simply not true so I don't waste my time fantasizing about shock and awe about winning wars from the air. I don't fantasize that there are smart bombs that can pull off a pinprick attack without killing anybody but the intended target. I deal with reality when it comes to war. I don't fantasize that America doesn't kill journalists. That's not my fantasy. My fantasy is I get hired to write on a television show. It's 1981. I want to get physical. Olivia Newton John is the guest. I write a sketch for her to perform in. I come into her dressing room and she's just finished one of her I want to get physical workouts. She's wearing a headband, tight spandex workout pants and she apologizes because she hasn't showered. I smile and say we're working. You don't need to shower. Olivia Newton John reads my sketch and she laughs hysterically. She punches my arm teasingly and calls me a bad boy because of my jokes. Then she says well you excuse me I need to take a shower. I say sure I'll just sit and reread the sketch and see if I can't make a few more changes. She sings in the shower. She's singing please Mr. Please and the door to her bathroom is slightly ajar and steam is drifting out and suddenly I hear oh David yes Ms. Newton John or is it Ms. John and she laughs and she says can you be a love and help me for a second and I say Ms. John do you want me in the John and there's a long pause and she realizes I try to make a joke and she says I hope these horrible puns aren't going to end up in my script to you bad bad boy. I walk into the bathroom Olivia is still in the shower and it's like I'm back in high school rock hard and Olivia Newton John pokes her head behind the glass shower door and says I like smart funny men whose hair transplants just need a little more work I smile then Olivia Newton John says she's starting a world tour and needs someone to travel with her and write zingy one liners would be a grueling 60 day tour but we'd stay in the finest hotels like the four seasons and I would have to come to everyone of her shows and listen to her sing and and she would be singing directly to me because in order to write my zingy one liners for Olivia Newton John I need to understand exactly where her instrument is emotionally we would be with each other 24 hours a day and since this is all last minute the five star hotels have all been booked so I would have to stay in her suite just the two of us she likes to sing when she's in the hotel especially when she's making love which you know she needs to do all the time because her voice coach says it really loosens up the pipes I say well yes yes I I could do that so the next day I pack and head to the airport to get on Olivia Newton John's private jet as I'm heading to the airport the cab driver it's 1981 reeks of cheap aramis knock off and I ask him to crack the window and he does but I still can't shake the stench of his body odor cigarette breath and cheap aramis knock off then suddenly one of Olivia's songs come on the radio it's please mr please and I start thinking why the hell should I have to put up with this crap from this lousy cab driver I'm David Feldman I'm about to get on a private jet with Olivia Newton John and for the next 60 days it's going to be first-class accommodations I'm going to be sharing a bed with Olivia Newton John and I have to put up with this crap so I flick the back of the cab driver's head and I say hey pal have you ever heard of a thing called water and he goes oh oh there's a bottle of water in the side pocket of the door on the right if you want any and I don't mean that I mean water to bathe in have you ever heard of that you smell like meatloaf's shit was reincarnated and came back as a Turkish prison with acid reflux the driver says something about my hair transplants and I say pull over and he pulls over and we start going at it I land to punch he goes down but he whips out a shiv I kick the shiv out of his hand we roll around on the side of the highway I notice the shiv is in the middle of La Cienega and the driver he rolls over to fetch it gets run over by a truck dead instantly instantly I get into his car and drive off and this is before cell phones it's 1981 1982 but for some reason I have a cell phone and I I text Olivia furiously and I beg her to hold up the private jet I tell her I ran into some traffic and she says relax doll I can't wait to see you I send her a smile emoji the police are behind me the cop tells me I'm texting and driving and I say really this is 1982 what the hell are you pulling me over for for texting and driving in 1982 once you grow a pair of balls pig and pull over somebody who's committing a real crime like designing those shoes you're wearing cut to prison I'm doing nine to ten on manslaughter I'm sharing a cell with a guy named Roy who's high up in the brotherhood of Aryan nations turns out Roy sister is into Jewish comedy writers Roy and I make a deal Roy sister will show up the first Tuesday of every month and press her breasts against the window while I touch myself if I agree to let Roy and the rest of the members of the brotherhood of Aryan nations work out their frustrations by battering my butt cheeks like they were the gate of a medieval castle nine years later I'm out of prison my face is covered in an elaborate tattoo so that when the wind blows my hair plug straight up and I smile it looks like a baby grand piano Olivia is waiting for me outside the prison in a 1948 Ford deluxe convertible you know the one from Greece she says it's time to come home the car suddenly lifts into the sky I look down and I see my third wife carrying a bag of groceries and I scream look at me Dory I'm with Olivia Newton John in the car from Greece and we're about to sing we'll always be together to each other you covetous materialistic golem that's my fantasy because unlike Donald Trump my penis works joining us from nyak new york he's not from nyak nyak new york he's in nyak new york which is one of the most beautiful spots in the world he is headlining levity live in nyak new york this friday and tomorrow saturday elonso bowden hello there elonso what's up david and you know you're right about nyak it's funny i grew up in queens i'd never been up here and it was like oh so this is what happens you cross the george washington bridge and there's a sign that says palisades and it's beautiful over here little two-lane highways and the whole yeah so they say yeah it's nice it's going to be a great weekend it's going to be a great weekend it's beautiful this time of year i would assume the leaves are just pop just yeah just starting to bud just so i'm so it's not green yet but uh but green is coming i'll tell you what's unusual right now david la is green california is green the last few years we've been pretty brown but we had record setting rain over winter it's really funny it's like all the hills are green well you know you were you know you know it it's that's what's unusual so yeah so we're greener than the east coast for now i don't want to violate your privacy but as i remember is it fair to say you live near calabasas um not too far i'm in studio city so i'm um 10 miles from calabasas was there a time that you lived out there because i remember you used to take the motorcycle and yeah i ride up there i ride up through calabasas and malibu canyon and all of that yeah i love riding my motorcycle up there beautiful you grew up in queens i grew up in anglewood new jersey and i left early on moved to california and i knew that there was a life in new york that was exceptional even better than in la but there was nothing i had to offer the new york metropolitan area to allow me to stay here and now that i'm back the interesting way to put it yeah i just couldn't make a living i couldn't make a living in new york do you feel like hmm maybe i should move back to new york because this would be a better lifestyle than california it never crosses my mind every time i visit new york you know my family's still here i'm like i love visiting new york but now i'm i'm a i'm a west coast guy i love the west i love the the space i love the weather um like you said i'm a motorcycle guy motorcycle and car culture is big out there but it's just something about the lifestyle it's i like the la lifestyle versus new york lifestyle nothing wrong with new york it's just not me i'm glad i grew up here i think the education of growing up in new york is like nowhere else but uh i love living in la where where'd you start doing stand-up la la is where i started uh 93 i you started 93 you used to make airplanes model airplanes and then you destroyed your brain from the the glue right that's what i read so that's you know that's like a wikipedia version of my story where you look you ever look on wikipedia and find out things about yourself you didn't know like hey i didn't know that okay so i built model airplanes and i sniffed airplane glues yeah why not i found out i host a podcast you made airplanes right i did i i worked on real airplanes and it's funny because i learned to do that in new york i went to aviation high school in long island city and i was hired by lockheed aircraft in burbank so i moved to la and i mean i literally got there and just never looked back and um yeah for the first let's see for 13 years i spent 10 years building and fixing airplanes and then three years training people and having fun making them laugh before i crossed over and you know back when we built them we never thought to make the aisle wider so that when you beat a passenger and drag him off the plane there would be more room like you could comfortably drag him versus having to twist the body to the side to drag it see you see the engineers just don't think of these things uh how horrible was that what do you mean you built airplanes because i know we've talked about this before i i literally built you know what the main airplane i worked on was the original stealth fighter um for your listeners if they want to google it just google f1 17 you built a stealth bomber no not the bomber the fighter the the fighter was used for surveillance go for no it was it was a it was an attack plane but it wasn't considered a bomber because it only could carry two missiles at a time or i think they could put four smaller ones two big ones or four smaller ones but the big thing about it was the first airplane that radar couldn't see it could it could fly through a radar area and i well you're old enough to remember remember a movie called firefox with clint eastwood i'm gonna pretend that i'm not old enough who's clint eastwood okay let me refresh there was a movie it came out in the early 80s and and the plot line was that russia had invented this top secret airplane that you couldn't see it on radar and it was silent and it would project false images of itself and it had no heat trace or it was basically an invisible airplane and and the idea was for clint eastwood to steal this airplane from the russians so that the americans could make the technology blah blah blah right well when that movie came out we were actually building a plane that could do all of that and it was top secret and oh we're like can we tell anyone can we tell anyone that we actually know that like we make one of those wow and the uh the cool thing the full circle experience was around 98 99 i was doing a show in quate and i was at the base where they kept these planes because they used them like i said in the first uh iraq quate war and when we got there and they're showing us the plane and i start talking about it and they're like hey wait a minute how do you know all of this i was like well kind of knew it before you did young man so you came to work to make a stealth bomber or a stealth fighter could you find it every day i mean was it easy i'm sorry that's a well it's it's an easy joke it's an easy joke it's right there yes we did find it i will tell you um this is how secret that job was okay you it's again you're too young to remember this but your older listeners will remember big scandal about the six hundred dollar toilet seats and the thousand dollar hammers yeah and all of that well remember that what that was that's how they and i learned this later that's how they finance secret projects right so you have this we were in like an assembly line in a building wow wow wow wow that's amazing that's amazing it's all sealed up like once we went to work like you went into work and they closed the door and you couldn't leave until the end of the day it wasn't like you could go in or out or anything like that so what they did was they had an assembly line of a plane that the government knows about that people know about and you do a bunch of overcharges on that one to pay for the secret one that people don't know about and that's how they that's how they finance these projects well that's how they used to finance these projects who knows what uh what's going on now but yeah wow so when they talked about a six hundred dollar toilet seat it was like well actually it's an eight dollar toilet seat and five hundred and ninety two dollars is going to finance the you know secret uh military project you know i just remembered a joke from my act i apologize for bringing this up but reagan was president and i remember there was a there was like a seven hundred dollar coffee maker and this is like i just started doing comedy and i say you know for seven hundred dollars i want that coffee maker to brew it and blow me and it worked at the time because i was starting but but you know they can't audit the pentagon and i guess that's why right and that and that's how they do it and you know who let when that plane when it was declassified the person who gave up the secret was a congressman some congressman wanted to prove like this is what we you know this is what we do this is what we authorized and he was like look at this badass plane we've been building and everybody was like uh you weren't supposed to mention it you know so you had top secret clearance what's that like do they invest in well for me it for me it was actually very easy because they they check back to when you're 18 and i started at lactate when i was like 18 and three weeks so the funniest thing about that was i moved to california and then two weeks later i got friends in new york calling me like hey man what you do out there the fbi was asking about you so yeah so they yeah they do the background check and the fbi you know i mean again i'm a kid just out of high school so there wasn't much to investigate there wasn't much trouble i could have gotten into at that point but yeah they did the background check and the whole thing and i had the secret and then the top secret clearance by the time you were 18 you were making airplanes yeah yeah it it's an amazing when i look back on it i mean it was it's what i did and i had a bunch of friends from high school and we all did it we just had sort of a a reunion out in LA of the guys who stayed in california and were making but yeah when you look back on it it was ridiculous like we had just learned to build planes in high school and now we're building the most advanced top secret plane you know in the in the world at the time and to us it was like okay just another airplane you know what year again was this this was 80 to 84 i worked there 80 to 84 okay and then i see how does your mind work um in that sense in the mechanical sense i i have a great appreciation of mechanical things and i can just kind of see how things go together and how things are supposed to work um that would probably explain why i never got married because i'd look at a woman and be like this thing just doesn't it doesn't work right it doesn't know what the hell it's like marriage marriage is like the bumblebee if you show a bumblebee to people like you who know how things fly you they cannot explain how a bumblebee flies well there there are actually there are two theories of flight okay there's what's known as the brinelli principle and the brinelli principle is that as air moves faster pressure drops which creates lift and that's the theory that the air rushing over the wing creates a low pressure area above the wing which lifts the plane but the other theory is if you put power behind it it'll fly that's the theory that says if you throw a brick it will fly so those those are the two theories that come together so yeah but yeah that that's the bumblebee thing was a poster in the hangar where we were building because that plane was also the first one that it couldn't fly without the computers the computers had to you know account for the aerodynamics of the airplane so it literally was like a bumblebee and like that without the computers this thing can't fly but getting back to women not every on bumblebees yeah well marriage is like the bumblebee yeah you just have to believe in the honey did they ever figure out why a bumblebee flies i think it has to do with the speed of the wings if i remember correctly but but in the mathematically it shouldn't work but it does but i think it had to do with the speed that they can vibrate their wings is that how a helicopter flies no you know what a helicopter is what you think is the propeller on top of a helicopter is actually a wing it's a wing that rotates so it's built like the airplane wings if you could imagine airplane wings spinning fast enough to create lift that's how i that's how a helicopter flies you flutes today correct yeah what airline united seriously and seriously you know i am i talked about this on my podcast see i'm one of these people that's very torn because i'm a platinum level flyer with a million miles on united but when you say that you know i'm going to walk away and i'll never fly this airline again i'm kind of vested in flying on this airline and the other thing and you notice david you traveled to they all suck you know it's like it's united's turn in the barrel united didn't do anything that delta or american wouldn't have done in the same position right they just happen to do it like they they all suck there's no airline that doesn't treat you like shit you know so so yeah i'm not i'm obviously i'm not happy with them they the ceo did say that they promised they will no longer physically drag passengers off the plane so so we got that going for us you know so far delphine american haven't made that promise they still have one free drag to wait with well there'd be no flight but bernie's principle is all about drag isn't it why does it like to have a million miles you know um it's cool uh this is this is the benefit they give you for having a million miles i'll be a gold level flyer for life so in other words if i stop flying so much i maintain gold level now the problem with that is that was great when there are numerous airlines as they merge what they don't tell you is like when united merges with continental now you've got you know the the ten thousand gold members of continental and and the ten thousand gold members so your chance of getting an upgrade or any benefit was just cut in half because twice as many people are in it but it's good i'll tell you what i don't i don't know because let me tell you something they don't treat me that special and i'm platinum with a million miles so i don't know how they're treating you in group four i i think in group four they might just beat you with a stick and tie you in a chair i don't know you know it's like look i'm platinum and they ain't too happy with me so i don't know what they're doing with you how tall are you six three how do you sit and coach and why isn't there a class action suit one of the benefits is i get the um i forget what they call it but the coach seats with the extra leg room so i sit in that section of the plane where you get a coach seat but you have business class leg room so if you can't afford let's say you're just a normal person without a million miles don't you have a lawsuit again i mean you no no you just you know you just suffer and as a matter of fact that's being tall if you're overweight right if you're over a certain weight you have to buy two seats seriously i'm not i'm not making that up i don't know what the i don't know what the weight is but there's like over over a certain size you know you got to buy two seats well so you talk about having some money you know then it becomes well for the price of two seats you could just buy one seat in business you know right so uh yeah it's it's it's uncomfortable at times and and for if you are it's not even a matter of being six foot three i think if you're six feet tall and you're in the regular airplane seat you're going to be cramped right because they've shortened the pitch like they've shortened the leg room to fit that extra row of seats in and sell those extra seats and uh this is why you have this air rage where people are like you recline your seat that two inches and you bang the knee at a person behind you then they hit the seat and blah blah blah and they they've definitely been cases of uh you know people getting into fights or coming close to fighting over that two inch recline of the uh seat and that's where the flight attendants they catch hell right because some guy in an office you know makes this policy and then some engineer designs it oh well we can make the seat this much smaller blah blah blah but then when two people are on a red eye tired and pissed off it's the flight attendant who has to try to get between them when they're about to kill each other what's the best flight you ever had uh virgin uh virgin atlantic business class there's two flights i did that were incredible i did the virgin business class from london to la and they literally like you have to tell the flight attendant leave me alone like they're there just would you like a blanket what would you like to eat they'll cook you in the lounge before you get on the plane they like have a chef in the lounge anything you'd like will make for you blah blah blah blah that one was incredible and back rubs right nothing back rubs they have massages and they also have a barber they have the whole thing i'm not kidding i'm not i'm not exaggerating or making this up no they have massages a barber uh you know you can get a pedicure while you're waiting for you in the lounge and all of that that's all there's spa basically to have a spa in the lounge and then the other one i flew that was incredible was singapore air i was doing this gig in indonesia and they flew me business class on singapore and that's the one where your seat folds down into a bed and they put a curtain around you so you have your like own little private room to fly in you know that that and they have i think they have like one flight attendant for every four people or something like that some crazy you know ratio of yeah we're here to take care of you know those those are the flights that i that are amazing you don't want to end no then you're comfortable you're like yeah if i flew like this but then you see the cost of the ticket and like when we did the virgin america thing that was uh part of a military gig part of a usl thing so they donate the seats you know as a donation to the usl but we saw the price of the tickets and the tickets cost more than we were getting paid to do the gig wow yeah do you think because i you know i always think about how the environment affects my mood i often think you know if i didn't live in america i'd be a lot happier if i you know if i when i go to canada or italy i'm happy when i come back to america i'm tense i'm afraid i'm gonna get shot when i'm on a train it is impossible for me to be anxious or depressed i think i could i mean i think heaven to me would be first class accommodations on a train just a permanent train ride i also think the few times that i've flown first class i think i could just sit on a plane forever and just keep flying around the world there was a time when you could buy the rich people were doing this in the 70s and the 80s i think was like 250 thousand dollars you could buy a lifetime first class seat on american airlines which means you could pretty much just live in the air yeah i don't i don't know if they still do that i know they do have some of these like around the world tickets like you can get on and off planes and go around the world over a period of time maybe it's a year or something like that i i will tell you this that if i'm going across the country business class is worth it you know like if you if you're flying a two-hour flight or whatever it's not that big a difference it's nice and depending on the price i may or may not do it but if i'm going like like this trip coming from la here i would rather i did a flight where i had to stop and change planes but i'd rather do that and get business class than go direct in coach yeah i i'm all about the suffering i always think uh you know what's what's my you know if i could save 300 bucks six hours that's what is that 50 bucks an hour i that's how i figure i'm making 50 bucks an hour by not paying extra for you know it's funny my business manager was the opposite because i used to do that and she was like look your travel is business just spend the money she was like if you you know you got it like so you'll so you'll make an extra you know you'll make you know a few hundred bucks less but you'll be comfortable on a five hour flight just spend the money so then i started doing it and you you know you you accumulate perks faster you accumulate miles and all of that stuff faster so there are advantages to doing it but flying it's it's the work you know when people ask what i do i like look they pay me to travel i tell jokes for free wow that's that's the gig wow because that travel and if you talk to anybody who travels on business on a more or less weekly basis you know i'm probably in an airport 40 weeks out of the year and uh yeah it's it's a job are you on the road that much i you know by the way john fugal saying and i thought i was going to see you on fugal sayings series xm show today but you were on it too and i was on it four and people were calling in to ask to speak to you and it's been gone for two hours i love john show as you know john show is intelligent and he lets you be you and it's just phenomenal but you told him that you're on the road most of the time is that true 40 weeks out of the year i'm a comic you know and and i was telling him in the past few years i've really like i've always been a comic but it's been more like embracing it like yeah this is what i do so you know i love when i get a tv spot you get the occasional acting job or voiceover job but this is what i do man i'm a comic so i'm not in clubs all the time i do some clubs it's a combination i do clubs i do corporate um my favorite thing that i get to work with are a lot of jazz artists i open for some jazz artists i host some jazz festivals and i love that because i love the music and i love that synergy between music and comedy you know on a creative level but yeah this is what i do so you know i got to travel it's part of the job so when i say i'm in the airport 40 weeks a year sometimes it's just for one night like i don't even i was telling a friend i don't even consider that travel if i fly out thursday work thursday night and come home friday as far as i'm concerned i didn't even count you know yeah so jazz weeks or three or four days there are two american art forms that i believe are purely american and that would be jazz and stand-up comedy is that a fair statement that's pretty accurate i'd say that is a pretty pretty accurate statement um when i when i was starting out they used to play rock and roll in the clubs and i remembered mort sol who started in san francisco opening for jazz musicians dav brubeck and i would say shouldn't you be playing jazz because jazz is what gets the audience in the mood to think and you know with jazz you get a premise and then variations on the theme and then you come back to the premise and then you go away and come back and the musicians will test how far away they can go from the theme and then bring you back that's what stand-up is and they would say to me no no no we got to rev up the crowd comedy is the new rock and roll i and i i i maintain that had they kept the jazz roots i never would have had to do a joke about a coffee machine blowing me well that is the beauty of it and you know you talk about san francisco and that was a place where it took place on that level yeah on the creative level they are the same thing and what you said is exactly true like it would be great if you have an audience if you have an audience that gets jazz they're gonna love comedy you know creative comedy i mean it one of the best compliments i got was um when i'm just doing crowd work right into comics it's just fun doing crowd work and sometimes it's i test myself like how can i tie these things in or doing whatever and there were a bunch of musicians at the show and they were like man that's jazz that's just straight improvisation we love that you know and and coming from guys whose whole musical world is improvisation that's a high compliment but you're you're right if if you know i get the rock and roll aspect of it i've always understood that aspect of comedy i've always understood the money making aspect of comedy you know put asses in seats sell drinks blah blah blah but when you get those rooms and you know what i'm talking about where it's just creativity and the audience appreciates the creativity of comedy there used to be a room on vancouver island and it was a jazz club during the week and comedy on friday and saturday john fox book then i did it with pat wilson pat wilson was booking it when i did it but you could feel it like in the room like it had that smoky velvet room feel like you like you'd never have to raise your voice you know that kind of room and i loved it it was just so creative and and that's that's a beautiful thing yeah it's it's great when those two come together and a jazz audience is a great comedy audience you know because you you have uh people who want to go past loud noises people who who appreciate nuance and so on and again i definitely get the rock and roll aspect of comedy and and you know any of us would want to be a rock star right there it's it's nice to make a few million dollars a year let's not let's not kid ourselves you know i i know a few millionaires and it looks like a nice life but right from a from a creative standpoint if i can now i'm making a good living and i can do the creative stuff and do the stuff that i love then that's cool too who are some of the best jazz musicians around these days um a friend of mine i'm biased but i think he's brilliant a guy named marcus miller what is he playing he plays the bass but but that's putting it mildly but just to give you an idea this guy at nineteen miles davis put him in his band well okay now think about what you were doing at nineteen i think about what i was doing at nineteen there was no danger of miles davis tiring me unless you needed a stealth fighter but uh yeah marcus played with miles and then he was lou the band rough music director wow for all of those hits to the 80s so he did the r&b thing but he has his own jazz vibe i'm a big fan and friend of his there's a guy named robert glasper a brilliant pianist who he has two different bands he has a jazz trio and then he has a r&b band called the robert glasper experiment and he's won grammies on both sides you know um so so that's kind of brilliant and uh you know then then the masters like herby hand cock and you know miles people like that chic korea i've always loved them but uh yeah there's some young guys there's a guy named christian scott who's an incredible trumpet player that i listen to there are some younger guys uh guys in their 30s and 40s who are making some incredible jazz and and uh and it's very cool because they're using all influences now like there's the hip hop has become an influence in jazz and vice versa and that's really cool what some people are doing with that so do you listen to jazz at home and when do you listen to it yeah i listen to it probably more than anything else uh probably more than anything else i listen to jazz at home i listen to it in the car and uh yeah that's that's my music that's that's my soundtrack l a k jazz yeah the you know the problem with radio it radio doesn't give jazz enough airplay you know meaning that like when you listen to a k jazz they do a lot of the old traditional jazz what's what they call straight ahead jazz but you won't hear a lot of the fusion or the the the newer more contemporary stuff being done i've been told to you know i i don't know anything about this stuff but purists look down on that stuff right yeah they do and then and then they don't you know it's it's and and this is what i mean like a guy like robert glasper right who who has this electronic r&b band and does covers of like smells like teen spirit you know people like oh well what is he don't blah blah blah and then he does a duet uh with herbie handcock where him and herbie are both on you know traditional acoustic pianos and you're like oh yeah so tell herbie that this kid doesn't know anything about jazz because what the hell does herbie know you know what i mean so so yeah that's what that's what proves the snobs wrong when these guys who you know like i say like like marcus marcus plays an electric bass right so so you do all well you know if you're not playing that be a big acoustic bass or this or that and it's like yeah he wrote the song tutu for miles davis so you know so he's got that going for him you know you know what i mean so yeah so so the jazz snobs um sorry but you know and and the thing about that is jazz was always about improvisation and change right i mean back in the fifties when they were first starting rock and roll those musicians learned how to play from jazz musicians you know and that's what they talk about like that's what they used to listen to right jazz and blues musicians and they transitioned and made it into rock and roll so uh so there's always going to be a fight for that traditional thing and the traditional thing is cool but the music is about creativity and about pushing it to the next whatever the next level is going to be i mean in hip hop you look at it you know that it's funny you've got a guy like a bob james who's a jazz pianist ask bob if he loves hip hop he loves hip hop because because uh rappers have been sampling his jazz and his funk and he's made you know probably a couple million dollars on the side from me you know from rappers sampling his music he's like oh yeah big fan of hip hop love the hip hop love the hip hop are you a fan of comedy yes can you watch can you enjoy stand up uh yeah i like watching people who do things different than i do and then i look just like watching just great stand-ups i don't have you seen chappell's new stuff on netflix not yet i'm i'm backed up yeah it's great i mean to watch davis chappell do an hour is like oh that's how this is supposed to be done how do you watch stand-up i was talking to this professor cori brett schneider who's a regular on the show he's a constitutional law professor and he was teaching me how to read a supreme court decision and we've talked about how do you watch shakespeare and i always say well you got to know the story first so you can appreciate the language and the acting if you're trying to ferret out the plot you're going to be lost how do you approach stand-up when you watch it i think it depends on who's doing it if i'm watching chappell it's almost like i'm a student you know i'm wide like wow look what he can do look how he did this look where he went with that you know and then he's got i don't want to ruin it for you because you haven't seen it but if you see the special he does a couple of things where and you know the highest compliment we comics can give is like man i wish i thought of that you know and he came up with this thread that he ran through one of the specials that was like oh my god that is so funny to where by the third time he did it like all he said was the premise and the crowd just lost it because it's such a it was an unusual yet brilliant thread to run through a comedy special um you know then then sometimes i watch people like ali long um she just makes me laugh you know i like some of the young comics some of them are i don't know i don't know how to describe it there's some of it that i think is fake and i think it's like the emperor has no clothes you know what i mean like like people are acting like this is hip and different but just for the sake of saying it's hip and different and then some of them i think are really on to something that is really funny and unique um jared car michael is another one i can watch jared i i watch him for his premises because he comes up with ideas and the way he states the premise is funny and it makes you think before he starts doing the jokes you know i so i admire that and then um and then like i say the masters you know to watch lewis black do an hour like i can't watch lou too much because i'll start doing lou you know because it just i love it so much and it's like i don't know how to explain it so so sometimes i watch as a fan and sometimes i watch as a student let me get back to chappelle and the freedom on stage if you're free on stage and that comes with celebrity or a really kind audience you can go into areas that you never thought possible the audience will almost take you there they'll listen to it's almost there like a plane taking off right if you have a great audience is it bernelie's yeah principle i mean they'll go they'll go anywhere with dave because you know you he's gonna make it funny you know dave dave is one of the few people that i would pay to watch think out loud he thinks out loud and he would do like six hour sets of the laugh factory can you get there are you ever in a city are you ever obviously you are but i mean can you just throw out your act and do an hour and just i do that i do that in a jazz world i do that in a jazz world because like i do these jazz cruises right and and you know there's 40 jazz musicians and i'm the only comic so i do a cook so the first show i do i do material but the second show okay you guys have seen my material it's the same audience i'm not doing the same hour and that's where i'll just start playing around and and i'm surprised at how much they'll come along with me for the ride and i'm just looking for things and and then yeah sometimes you know it's the other times i love doing that is an empty night at the laugh factory some of my best sets because that stage is so home to me and when it's you know 30 people it's like all right look i'm not going to jump around and shout and we're not doing this the set let's talk for a while let's see where this goes and i love doing it there and dave does the same thing with you know 400 people in a club or 2 000 people in the theater because they know him and they know what he does and and you know part of that is just trusting you could do it anyway you know what i mean um like i don't think he's ever been one limited by the desire to make the crowd laugh yeah you know uh is it a is it a you know no no no i'm fascinated by this because you're really doing it and you're you know you're out on the road 40 weeks and you're you're the jazz audience is would you say that the audience is kind of like another instrument so that you're working with them it's almost when you're working on new material you're you're kind of playing your tune and then you listen to them and it's back and forth it's this great combination no i think it's more you're there uh oh i'm sorry i just had to look at something uh something i gotta take care of oh but anyway no i think i don't know if i'd say they're an instrument as much as it is they will just they appreciate it i think that's more i think it's more their appreciation so they appreciate you experimenting with stuff and they're like oh yeah that works oh yeah that's you know or maybe there's something funny there but i haven't found it yet but i so i don't think i'm not i'm not trying to play them i'm not trying to to make them laugh i'm just you know what i mean i'm just uh are you dancing with them or boxing with them uh i like boxing better than dancing yeah i like throwing jabs i like throwing jabs and i like throwing the hook that they don't see coming right and knocking them on their ass you know right and they appreciate that they appreciate the hook that they didn't see coming the marquee to queensberry there are rules to boxing aren't isn't that the marquee to queensberry yeah this is what i remember about you we did the gala in montreal it was a political show and you were incredibly clean and i wasn't this was like three or four maybe five years ago and your act was immaculate and i watched it thinking wow you have high standards do you get pissed off if the person in front of you is doing jokes about their coffee maker blowing them not really i think you know what bothers me more when someone takes a premise and does nothing with it then then they destroy the premise you know like like um like take a Ben Carson right because lately i just have fun with this idiot you know he annoys me so it's fun making but but then you have somebody oh that Ben Carson oh what an idiot uh stupid Ben Carson said you know slaves or immigrants ah and then and then they don't and now it's like okay so now that premise has been trashed with no punchline or no joke or you know you know yeah trumps an idiot well why like like give me a reason say something go beyond stating the obvious even though the obvious can get a laugh take it to it you know what i mean take it to or don't touch it it's like like if your whole act is you know um jokes about you know sex jokes or or jokes about whatever you know and then you go into politics but you don't do politics so now you're just stating a bunch of of premises or words that you've heard before and trash in them i would rather you do coffee maker blow job jokes you know there's not to say that no one should help ever do politics or whatever you know do whatever you want but yeah that bothers me more i don't if you work dirty then work dirty but don't don't ruin a good premise with no joke yeah that annoys me well i know you you've had a long day and you've had even been longer went tomorrow i just want to ask you about the texas military bases and your podcast who's paying attention and i also just want to know if you had any thoughts on don rickles oh three great topics i'll start with don rickles and you know you mentioned the gallows in montreal uh two years ago i did a gala hosted by don rickles and truly one of the great moments in my comedic life if not in my life period was getting roasted backstage by don rickles you know it's on my facebook page if you go to facebook slash along the boat and it's on there and rickles just rips into me starting with uh names along though that's good you took a white man's name so the cops won't think you did it you know and just goes from there and and you know david i mean is there a more is there a more legendary moment in comedy than don rickles just ripping on you you know with with rickles humor i loved it that was great um you know he's he's one of those old masters i mean we were losing those guys these guys had one liners and they were quick you know i was reading like yeah there were just all kind of things about rickles on online and everywhere else and they were talking about i don't know where he was but barack obama was there it was some president oh yeah obama he was at my house last week yeah you forgot the mop you know and he said that to barack obama yeah no obama just falls out laughing because it was don rickle like nobody else can say to him you forgot the mop but rickles bam yeah well actually i i remember i remember people saying he crossed the line i'm that joke i don't think he did and i don't think barack obama thought he did okay because the thing about don rickles yeah don rickles listen don rickles said things that especially today you know that that might have been funny in 72 that were horrible today um but it was don rickles saying and if there's one thing about don rickles that you knew there was never any hatred behind his jokes right you just knew there was never now there are some other insult comedians that and you could tell when they mean it you know and i mean and that's when it's not funny that's when it's awkward and blah blah blah rickles rickles if he hated anyone he hated everyone equally you know i saw him i saw him do this thing he was like making fun of these hawaiians doing some weird Polynesian noises and you're like now who does he mean of course it was cheap and racist but it was hilarious and the thing about rickles you always saw the person he was making fun of laughing about it right i never saw the person that he was making fun of not laugh about it i mean he made fun of Sinatra and didn't get killed you know and he was free i mean i i i've been watching i i've been watching him on youtube for years now and he was free i mean he would go on Carson and i think how does he fly this way without and he would crash and get right back up and keep a lot like jonathan winters the the growing up were your parents offended by him no no um my my mother has a great sense of humor i've always said she's she might be the funniest person i know my mom always made me laugh so she would laugh at good humor if something was funny she'd laugh at it um and you know and again with Don Rickles there was something about him and you could you can tell you know the the opposite would be michael richards right kramer right when when kramer went off at the laugh factory the crowd so you you were talking about the crowd earlier as a musical instrument i've always seen the crowd it's like the crowd senses things like you know how they say a dog can sense something a dog can sense fear or aggression or whatever i've always felt the crowd is the same way the crowd knows the truth and if you crack a racist remark or some kind of remark like that if you mean it the crowd knows you mean it right and that was what happened with kramer so you're saying when a man stands in front of an audience and screams the n word a hundred times he means it well i have a theory of no but but i mean then you you see like a don rickles right and and when don rickles makes a joke about me going to sand quintin like you know it's it come on that shit is funny you know that's like he he's not jeff sessions who really means he wants to send me to sand quintin you know that it's you can always tell him the crowd can tell same thing with jokes about about women you know women know when it's a joke about women and they know when it's a misogynist hating women and and so on or vice versa when a woman makes a joke about a man you know and things like that i've always felt the audience kind of the audience knows the truth and with don rickles and you know i could be dead wrong right maybe they did you know they they'll find some secret but i just never felt any animosity toward anyone don rickles ever made fun of i just never felt it yeah never saw it never saw anything never saw him make fun of one group anymore than any other group i whoever yeah i think 20 years from now 50 years from now he'll be remembered i think yeah i do i think he will be like a time capsule that holds up and is fascinating he is uh and and truly dangerous truly i i i know you gotta go and i apologize because i want to know i'm fine i'm fine i remember growing up my mother watched him on a dean martin roast and he said oh nipsey russell's here let me make you feel at home all aboard and my mother said turn him off turn him off yeah and then 10 years later i hear this maniacal laughing coming from her bedroom and she's watching don rickles and just i think and that's kind of like the politically correct movement my mother was being overly protective but didn't consult the people who she thought she was protecting as to whether or not it was offensive right well another great example of that was archie bunker right because they always say that all in the family like they wouldn't it couldn't be on tv today like archie couldn't say the things that he said but the thing was when archie said it it was so genuinely ignorant that you didn't hate him for it that's what made it funny but now when when um uh what's his name uh the fat radio guy um limbaugh yeah when rush limbaugh the fat radio guy suffices yeah yeah when limbaugh says the same thing that archie bunker said you know that rush limbaugh means it mm-hmm and that's that's what that's why it's a hateful thing and you know so and again this is where the audience you got to give the audience some credit for intelligence and for the ability to discern what's being said so so the audience that watches the same audience that sees archie bunker and sees rush limbaugh they're like oh this guy's an actor being funny this guy is absolutely dangerous or this guy is saying exactly what i think and you know let me go put my hood on and let's have a party very quickly who's paying attention um i love doing it uh it started with my look at the the media i think the the most guilty party in in what's crumbling now in our society which is intelligence and truth it's a media's fault because it's always been their job to hold the politicians to a standard you know when when when uh donald trump says you know a few years ago syria's a mistake we should never bomb syria the president can't drop a bomb without congress blah blah blah and then he does it there's no one in the media who holds his feet to the fire who stands up in the press conferences is now wait a minute let's not pretend you know that so so who's paying attention stems from my frustration with the media and the fact that comedians we're the only ones left telling the truth you know as as uh louis black one said look we didn't want this job but no one else will fucking do it you know we'd we'd much rather tell dick jokes right but since no one else is going to tell the truth and you know fortunately you have people like louis and john oliver and and the daily show and stuff like that and you know so so yeah that's where that came from and going off to texas to entertain our troops i love i love entertaining the troops the the military i've been fortunate enough to entertain them overseas and here in the u.s and it is a mutual admiration they love the fact that especially when they're overseas we bring them a taste of home you know and and we get to see what they do and actually appreciate what they do you know the the interesting thing with like iraq the people who are saying you know support the troops support the troops well we're going to raise your taxes a dollar to help no right no we can't raise taxes to help the veterans you know so so to actually get out there and give them a break from their reality for an hour is and and every comic who's done it or who does it we all love doing it and then the other thing is we get to make fun of people they can't make fun of like their officers or their sergeants or stuff like that and and it's been my experience those guys have a great sense of humor about it those guys and women you know i mean not disrespecting them but just making fun of the the hierarchy of the military you know and um yeah i i love entertaining the troops and um it's always been a good experience and every now and then they let you you know play with one of their toys drive a home beer so they haven't let me blow up anything i've asked i've asked like can't we just say it was an accident and blowed his fishing boat out of the water but uh so far they haven't let me do that might you before you go and thank you and we're talking we've been talking with Alonzo Bowden he's at levity live in nyak new york friday tonight and saturday two shows each night correct right and what time do they start 7 30 and 9 45 please go see him and go download his podcast on itunes who's paying attention i have two core values when it comes to politics medicare for all that is if there's you cannot argue with me on medicare for all if you don't believe in medicare for all there's nothing to talk about there's just it's you're another animal as far as i'm concerned medicare for all and the other issue that i'm kind of becoming almost axiomatic about is a draft i think that we need to have a draft and i i get that i get that because it levels the playing field that that's something they said that when everybody served in the military we all cared a lot more about it so i understand that that makes sense and i think it makes us better citizens we pay more attention we learn to work together we also learn to respect and loathe authority simultaneously yeah yeah well and and what's even you know loaded or at the very least question it at the very least question though that's a good thing i think values wise how great would it be if we you know since we're always claiming to be a quote christian nation like what if we actually did stuff jesus would do you know like help poor people help sick people you know not hate someone because they're different like like if jesus came back now he'd last what 15 minutes especially where you're heading texas the right the right wing would be like wait listen hey seuss and we know you snuck in here with your peace and love and all of that but we're gonna have to shut you down you know i mean it would so wouldn't it be great if we if we actually adopted since we claim to and all that like like if we actually adopted those principles like like honestly i would hate to be a christian leader if jesus shows up you know if jesus shows up tomorrow i'm gonna be like hey jesus i wasn't with them i tried to tell them i would i know i'm with you they i don't know what they're doing you know i don't think jesus was building a wall or checking jesus never asked a leper if he had coverage wait wait before i lay hands let me see you're insured you got coverage no all right put your legs in the basket and get the hell out of here not once not once did jesus not once did jesus jesus didn't check how much money you had before he turned the water into wine you want wine what kind of money you got alonso bowden will be at levity live in nyak tonight and tomorrow two shows go to alonso bowden dot com for more information thank you alonso david this was really fun i i appreciate it i love the long form interview and you allowing me to talk and to catch up with my friend and be funny carousel tanovic joins us she's in los angeles i'm in new jersey today my my sisters oh how's your sister i want to know she's my sister i don't know what she's really like no guys don't share and and get personal and do like you know sleepover kind of sleeping bags on the floor and share secrets and light a candle and then pass the candle whoever has it has to tell a deep dark secret and then you bring each other's hair and do nail polish and then talk about you know how many fingers you've had inside of you that day no well of course that's not a thing yeah of course i don't know i don't have a sister i'm guessing i just do that with strangers don't you that's true how else you're gonna get to know people on the bus that's the way to get to know people you know we're all in this together guys if i were a girl together if i were a girl and we were friends what would we talk about well are you a girl who has kids i may i can be any girl you want kira uh let's say yeah i'm a i'm a girl who is an empty nester oh so you have kids uh they're just older but you remember what cracked nipples are like so we can talk about that i would show you mine and say does this look infected is this normal are they supposed to be like lacerated down the from top to bottom like this and then you would you know take a close inspection and offer up some sort of healthy salve salve and we talk about you know farm to farm to table and uh artisanal cheese you know girl stuff now you told me that with your first baby your breasts made artisanal cheese that if you waited two days and didn't breastfeed yeah you could squeeze out artisanal kira siltanovic cheese yeah which you know sounds awesome but remember some of those come with like a thick skin so you know i think there's like a brie and a a couple of uh gudas that have that kind of thick waxy layer and again it's all fun and games until that waxy part so you know you're the life of the party everyone wants you out there you know brisk until that happens i'm trying to get a handle on you because yeah you're doing a million different things you had to push back this interview because you were in traffic driving around los angeles you've got two kids a husband and i keep apologizing to you i keep saying i'm sorry we'll do this around your schedule in the back of my mind i'm thinking how does she do this how does she do this you sound so happy and i'm forgetting something you're running on oxytocin right you're happy uh i'm actually i don't have that kind of budget i'm running on oxy clean which is just a bit medication that i sniff because oxytocin you need a prescription and the person has to you know talk to you about it obama care thanks a lot right but oxy clean is just over the counter zit medication with a smaller kick but worth it if you rub that stuff on your gums wow say goodbye to the rest of the afternoon hold on to your hats and glasses right well loose change everywhere because you're flying around the thing that i need to understand is you know i'm i don't have kids anymore i don't have babies yeah and i just look at you what i believe is objectively i'm thinking she gets no sleep she gets some help from her husband but she's still responsible for two babies and she has to be funny where does she find the time where does she find the time and as i talk to you i realize oh that's right that makes you happy that you produce some kind of chemical in your basement i think it's called crystal meth right crystal is the name of my daughter yes the truth is here's the absolute truth here's the truth um i think like most of life and this could even be comedy and this can even be most people's careers right i the reason i had to push back a little bit was because i did a game show table read this morning in beverly hills and i was talking to the one of the execs and i said i said you're really great at this you know this is this is you you're such a great executive because you rarely see those you know most of them are just douchebags whose dad was uh you know uh george berns is lawyer you know and that's how he got into the business but this guy's like really great you know and and uh he he's like 20 percent is awesome and the rest is 80 percent of like the bs the the paperwork and the legal meetings and hr because somebody's angered the secretary by accident and so that's kind of like stand up too if you think about it right like when you're on the road and you have a layover in denver and it's delayed for three hours because of weather and you finally get to your gig and scratch your armpit alabama and then you're on stage then you're like finally this is when i'm having a good time all the other stuff all the other like checking into your red roof in and all the other stuff is just like oh the stuff that makes me personally very sweaty like i'm always sweaty always always there's no time where i don't have a little bit of pee in my pants and a lot of sweat that is my life it's constant just a tiniest bit of urine not a lot not like a disgusting you know kicker off this united flight urine just the tiniest like where you kind of sniff you go that's well okay and then you move on right so no one linger and then sweat i'm constantly sweaty with a little bit of pee in my pants and that's just and if you're okay like that's your baseline then everything else after that is you know normal that's where i'm working from that's where i start my day at even if i showered by the way even if i was lucky enough to take a shower by myself with no one else in the room with me you know knocking on the shower door hurry up which is everyone else in my house is it's constantly hurry up even if it's by myself and i'm showering and getting all the spots that you need to get you know it doesn't matter the minute i get out someone is screaming something has happened a fire needs to be put out and the sweat comes back and i pee a little it doesn't matter no matter how many times i scrub myself clean it's it's what i have to live with and so that's just my reality so i work from there and i thank you for the compliment because it is a very nice compliment that you gave me like somehow i make it work but you know you you know if you can make it work with just a little bit of something in your pants you'd be you know you learn how to do it just the reality i wish i could sugar i wish i could lie i can't lie so yeah the way i justify the urine in my pants is i grew up with a lot of dogs and they want to yeah demonstrate their territorial imperative by ping and certain you know they mark and whenever i see people i figure i have really nice underwear that they really want to steal so like a dog i mark my underwear right right so it's they let me tell you my product i don't wear underwear so what do i do you know anything anything you want you can do anything go anywhere you want well i'm just saying like you know it's it's now i got to go from that plate and move ahead do you know i have to yeah do you have this left protection do you have this nagging worry that this is the best year or two years of your life that you have the babies that you're running around this is the happiest you're ever going to be if this is the happiest i will hang up with you and just drive to mexico and be gone be if this is it i will be so i don't i mean look i know that's probably people like oh that's a bad mother no if this is the happiest then i probably should leave now and give them a chance at maybe a good mother you know let my husband remarry and find someone who's into regular artisanal cheese not you know from her nipples just over the counter stuff i i hope this isn't it but then again you know you talk to people uh in their 70s and they talk about you know that these times with oh such love in their hearts of like oh those sleepless nights i would do anything for those again no you wouldn't there's no way people lie people are lying all the time and that's one of the injustices of the world is that we are okay to lie all the time because it's in our advertising there's a hot chick in the bikini eating a Carl's junior are you kidding she wouldn't even date a guy named Carl she's not gonna eat a burger some Carl's junior what is washing your volvo she doesn't care that you drive a volvo it's all we're all living in this lie this lie of a bikini Carl's junior bubble bath it's all a lie and i can't i can't be part of it i have to tell the truth you have how many kids right now two how old are they six and almost two years old the last time you were on the show you taped a stand-up special while you were pregnant so that it's i sure did has it been two years can you believe that bananas right it's been two years and do you hear a tapping sound i don't would you like me to i hear a little i hear a little clicking sound all of a sudden well as a as a russian i definitely could be tapped so we might want to just be careful what we say from here on out wait it stopped but there definitely was a clicking sound yep that was probably dimitri checking in or we had a conference call with the swahili embassy yeah who have been calling me non-stop and i'm not even kidding about that i signed up for something recently i forget what it was but i made the mistake of putting my real phone number in and now i just constantly get phone calls from like everybody you know with an indian accent saying they are the irs and it's just driving me crazy so please anyone listening do not put your real number in ever ever ever and kira's real number is five five five eight one eight five five five five five five five all right so you're yeah it was the biggest mistake so you let's let's review because you haven't been on the show for a while last time we talked we were promoting a mother's day show i believe you were doing an irvine and taping a show while pregnant close it was an orange county a little further down south in irvine but yes um san luis and the name of that special is you did this to me you did this to me did you do it yes start with that i did i did i i raised some of the money through a crowdfunding and i let um people who you know donated a lot of money do really cool stuff one of them was for twenty five thousand dollars you could cut the cord i remember this and you remember that and for twenty thousand you could help us name our baby and we did get someone with that oh wow so nobody cuts your cord no my husband did it oh oh you didn't wait i figured you would wait because i think the longer you wait to cut an umbilical cord the more people would pay right that's true that's true yeah but you know they really frown upon that when you leave the hospital you know like they really like they're they're kind of like uh leave the messy trail hey let me ask you let me ask you a question about this i want to first of all what what's your baby's name igor seriously well the russian mafia did give me money for my special and that is a hundred percent true that is a hundred percent true russian mafia gave you money they gave me twenty thousand yeah i really do owe them money back so if people could please go watch it now i wish i was kidding and people don't believe me when i say this because they're like ha ha ha very funny no no they i really do owe them a lot of money so if you could please go to amazon after listening to the rest of this then go please watch it on amazon and what is the name of it you did this to me and you're you had a boy girl that you named who you named igor igor well like i said the russians they they're the ones that contributed all right in all seriousness is it really igor no it's not it's claire oh okay you got me okay and she's two and the other one i believe is a boy yes and so you have a boy and a girl the ages are two and six that's a good age range for a boy it's great for a baby sister yes yeah okay let me get back to the umbilical cord i'm being serious how long okay how long could you go attached by the umbilical cord i think that they like the umbilical cord to stop pulsating after the baby is born to stop pulsating before you cut it because they're still receiving blood from the placenta so they like to to cut that but if you decide it maybe two three minutes if this were if this were a reality show that i was pitching to that executive who you really like and i won his name uh after the show because i want to pitch this yeah we how long we'll call it mama's boy where it's a reality show where a boy is never separated from the umbilical cord can that be done in all seriousness how long could you go okay so in all seriousness this is a little bit of now people tune out because there's too much biology and and medical stuff happening that's on you but in all seriousness after the baby is born right your uterus should start um contracting and getting smaller and smaller and smaller because you have to deliver the placenta where's my uterus it's up on you when i've seen you in person i feel like it's that hump on your back but everyone i guess has a different place for it but in most women after you deliver the the placenta right because it's attached to the umbilical cord uh are you assuming the placenta staying inside of the woman's body i'm trying to remember i do remember the placenta i yeah you have to deliver that as well so you can't you cannot let go of the placenta it well your uterus has to shrink back down your uterus has to now uh basically contract some more into its original shape oh hang on for one second i'm being serious here yeah so okay so you're giving birth and the first thing that comes out of you is the placenta i hope not i hope it's the baby the baby really do but if your baby looks like a placenta which could happen they'll eventually you know probably grow out of that okay so the baby comes out that i remember yes okay and i remember the umbilical cord and then they bring the placenta do they cut the umbilical cord before removing the placenta or does the placenta come out and then they cut the umbilical cord um the placenta is usually delivered right after the baby it's really that they call it it's another delivery because you have to like push it out if you have contractions and it it's it's a miracle no a disgusting bloody miracle but yeah they so they push you push the placenta out and that's the part that's attached to your body so but now it's not anymore do you remember the apollo program the race i mean yes i wasn't around then but i know what it is yeah okay so the placenta would be like the service module and the baby would be the command module that is attached to the server and then and then before re-entry you get rid of the service module and then go into the earth kind of sure yeah sure sure and and the and the placenta is kind of the passageway between the service module it's the connecting wires between the placenta and the command module yes okay and also a great name for a young black female rapper just throwing it out there if anyone's brainstorming right now all right back to my question so the placenta comes out and it's still attached to the umbilical cord right right but it's not attached to you no you you deliver it it detaches from you and you and it's bye bye and how is it how does it stick to you when it's in you are there double stick tape or like uh you know like that khaki tape that doesn't leave a mark on the wall that kind of stuff so you got to go up there who like who makes sure it attaches to the uterus yeah it's attached to the uterus it's pretty amazing okay so the uterus is like a balloon right the baby is like the air so it fills up the balloon once you let the air out which is the sound that i make now and the and then the the uterus goes back like a balloon would when it's you know deflated from the air it never looks the same as it did when you took it out of the package but it's deflated now but you have been on stage with your uterus making uterus animals like doing animals yes and right i find it appropriate but people say it's i don't know that you shouldn't be doing it well because comics look down on prop comics but you know what f u i have to make a career i have a mortgage i don't care what you your judgment is okay so okay so the the placenta comes out the umbilical cord is still attached to it right right the baby is still getting nutrients from the placenta even though you're no longer servicing the placenta right but then slowly it will start to die off like a bay watch babe's career where nobody cares about it anymore it's getting old and shriveled and okay so it's done if you don't cut the umbilical cord you just say you know if let's say we do this we say you know what we've had a couple of kids let's have one just to see what happens sure and we say hey all right we're gonna see what happens let's not cut the umbilical cord does it eventually fall off um basically just like a huge kind of a goiter type of situation where it just starts to rot and deteriorate it's gross okay i don't think that's a reality show with more than one episode and it might actually only go to the first commercial break well i hardly hardly says they would sponsor this with their new placenta well hey who am i to please go where the money is and then we dip the placenta in some kind of nutrient oh then it would keep it right like a miracle grow type of situation yeah i see what you're saying now has anybody ever go ahead i mean i ate my placenta yes i really did i really did i know they're delicious well but what if that's the the show also you just slowly just snack on your placenta and then when you're done snacking on it then you cut the cord in the kid yay go to college or it doesn't have to be a reality show it could be a game show where we serve chef ramsey and maybe you know anthony bordain three you know emerald we feed them celebrity placentas and they have to guess which celeb guess oh my gosh that's genius well i don't i you know let's not you know on the surface but we have to put it through the development paces to see if it'll work well but you should still register that i'm already registered when it comes yeah i'm already registered sex offender no that's a patent pending on that idea that is so genius and then you could like because tori spelling i think is pregnant again with her 12th kid and so she'd be up for that that'd be a great one they could taste it like oh it's it's bitter it's a bitter placenta now i a little i noticed well by the way this is uh this is the truth both my kids we took pictures of the placenta and i made the nurse both times hold up the placenta like it was a fish like it just like like she caught something and yeah i'm being serious and the first nurse yeah was laughing hysterically the second one just wanted no part of me but let me ask you about this i what i saw things during childbirth that when i was a young boy looking at playboy and then you would tell me that you know in 10 years i will be looking at the same thing and it won't be the same thing you would have convinced me that i would never want to be near that again and yet it's there's something in human nature where you see something and it's clinical and then you know a couple days later you're ready to do it you know get back in there again sure i'm being serious so that's that's the bio i'm with you 100 percent i am oh my gosh i mean how many times have i had uh russian food and russian food uh can be really delicious and great but then you see how like it looks like it's already been chewed some of the time and it's so many different colors and textures and you're like why would i ever eat this again and then next thing you know you're at your grandma's house the next day and you're eating it again and it's like it's you see how it's made and it's disgusting and the soup russian soup what we're known for borsch the most looks like murder maybe it's red it's a bowl of red it looks like a bowl of blood and you're like why would i ever and then there i am lapping it up i get it i get it well you don't want to see what it's you know before and after and potential is but then it's so good makes you feel good it's home it's your childhood you know it's first time you snapped one on off or whatever you call it so while you're giving birth are you thinking never again and why would you think about the holocaust while you're giving birth you know while you're giving birth you think you're the only person on the planet that is experiencing the amount of pain that you are experiencing meanwhile this happens a trillion times a day but in that moment you're like nobody knows no i got it bad like i provide the second kid i did with zero drugs nothing i just popped her out through the lobby did your did your wife have them through the sunroof or the lobby we did united airlines three well early guys came in and just drag the baby i'm kicking drag the baby out oh my god i'm the babies crying oh that is that of all the stuff on the internet and there's a lot of bad stuff on the internet that really there's some sort of visceral reaction i got to that all right well i want to get back to childbirth but go ahead because i had a visceral reaction and you're not going to like it what is it well let me hear yours first because yours is probably saying and not borderline personality you mean the united incident recently what was your visceral reaction that that um of course we don't know what led up to this we're just getting the information that it was overbooked they started volunteering people because no one was volunteering and they dragged this guy out that's all we're getting unless you were on the flight or whatever you you know happen to know um either way um i want that to happen to the guy that takes his socks and shoes off next to me on a united flight i am more than happy to have that guy dragged off the plane because now i have to stare at his dead toenails for six hours to jfk that i think is okay but someone who is forced off the plane whether he's a doctor or not he just wants to get home whatever he wants to go to his next destination that the the dragging of someone that supposedly was pretty innocent it just makes me feel like our society so it's just a constant mirror held up like we are screwed we are screwed we are screwed it's constantly like oh guess what he's another reason we are screwed and then here's another reason we are screwed as a society like and i'm not just saying americans i'm saying earth you know it's just jacked up but that's my first reaction why what did you think he deserved it nobody deserves anything okay but we have an unwritten social compact now when it comes to airlines it's a lot like the donkey show in teowana and i'm being serious you and i once went i don't know if you remember uh you were opening for me at the san diego improv and i said to you you were single at the time and i said to you hey you're very attractive let's go to teowana it's right across the border i want to take you i want to show you teowana like you've never seen it before do you remember this was there ever a san diego improv just go along with me so i take you to the yeah of course i remember it of course i have a dream journal just about that incident and i take you to the donkey show okay yeah we go to the donkey show and the donkey got sick during the show and they they stopped the show the veterinarian said this we can't go on and i wanted my money back because i didn't see the love making the beautiful you know embrace of right and the man said to me when you come to a donkey show all bets are off and i said i'm not betting on the donkey show that's for the cock fight after the donkey show i wanted to see a woman and a donkey and he said the donkey got sick read the the small print that's you don't get your money back that's the donkey show and that's pretty much flying united airlines you you went into the donkey show and whatever happens happens keep your mouth shut it's it no matter what it's an indignity just do what you're told and so i kind of felt yes i know a normal human being looks at that video and says oh my god this is horrible we live in a corporate fascist state but i'm thinking if you're a doctor and you got to see your patients and you're running around like that on an airplane maybe you shouldn't be seeing uh patients maybe you're not so mentally stable in the emergency hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on what is a doctor supposed to wear on a flight going to Kentucky i mean they're going to Kentucky there are no rules in Kentucky i'm surprised you didn't have overalls on without an undershirt i mean come on i could understand we're flying to paris france okay you know i'll even wear underwear for that flight but kentucky we can't expect them to wear anything except for like a a gun holster and a nazi swastika what do you i don't understand these rules i don't agree with you at all it did not look like a doctor if they had no if he had dressed like a doctor then they would have treated him with respect that's ridiculous that's ridiculous he would not have been he was dressed to assure okay well here's the thing here's the thing i can't ever criticize anyone on what they're wearing because like i said as a mom of two kids i leave the house as if as if i have landed somewhere and the airline lost my luggage i i always look half disheveled like i wouldn't look better but they lost my clothes so i have to wear this jet ski pack and flip flop i always look like a hot mess so that's not nice at all and i think here there's no way you're joking and by the way that donkey they usually put zebra stripes on it and call it a zebra so your story doesn't hold water at all i i just i don't know if it's united and there's always someone in the news always united delta i just feel like these cabins are not just pressurized they are like they're not just pressurized for our you know breathing it's pressurized with like this stress of whatever everyone is holding on to it's now we're like feeling it in to this plastic tube and we're all sitting in it for however long it takes to get wherever and it's i think it's creating um crazy people i really do these flight attendants are all lunatics i don't think it's their fault i think they are breathing farts all day long and that cannot be good for you i mean think about it i'm not a doctor obviously as for david feldman because i'm wearing yoga pants right now and you know i can't be a doctor but i do think there's something to be said they're flying all day long smelling people's secretions and yes i i just know there's something medical in there that could be driving them crazy i agree with you crazy people it's methane poisoning i think so is there well maybe we can patent something where you attach something to every passengers methane emitter yeah that kind of goes up into the upper bin and into the atmosphere what is that that's not a bad idea where you know you you you sit down maybe the maybe each i'm just throwing this out there maybe every seat on an airline is fitted with this eight inch uh methane inhaler okay and you when you sit down you gently sit down in this methane inhaler it's about eight inches you would probably make it ribbed and i see where you're going with this what you got me you got me i was all i've been like drawing out schematics while you're talking well draw that what and then you you sit in your chair and there's this eight inch methane and then you have to get up to get something to drink and then you have to sit back down and then you got to get up to get some more snacks and you sit back down and that's a joke david feldman no i'm just seriously this whole time i'm just saying that you and then everybody i i know a lot of people would would sit very quietly and just yes they would it would be and then but now you can't even smoke on airplanes so yeah but that would come a lot of people down the methane inhaler the eight inch rock wind sure methane uh uh inhaler the bumpy flights would probably put yeah some people to sleep the air would be bring on the turbulence okay more please we're turbulent thank you captain speaking buckle in we have a we uh i feel like we made a lot of headway here yes we solved some world problems we did before we wrap it up this is the happiest time of your life it really is it is okay you're gonna look back what happens as you get older and the kids start going away is you play act the idea of empty nest but you can't imagine it right but you you say oh this must be what it's like for other people to have an empty nest but that's never going to happen to me that's impossible because my relationship with my kids is special and then one day you're they're gone and you go and everybody my age who's gone through this they all say the same thing they say what the hell was that like the thing with the kids they say what i have this fun Christopher had dropped his youngest daughter off at college and then he was done you know he says that's it and he turned to his wife and said what the hell was that all those kids 25 years of raising kids we just dropped the last one off at college what the hell was that and you immediately you feel cheated it's a bait and switch because in america in america we're a nation baked into our people is leaving the homeland you left your homeland your parents said goodbye to russia my great-grandparent my great my grandparents all four of them said goodbye to eastern europe they never look back that's who america is we don't and so then the kids come here and they look at their parents and they say i gotta get out of here i gotta leave and they leave and they don't come back because that's what americans do we're lonely people so we have these kids now i feel terrible your kids are hardwired to to immigrate to you're in california they're gonna fall in love with chicago or new york because we're a nation of immigrants they just made me so sad i'm telling you i'm gonna have to go find my methane comforter did i make you sad no you're speaking the truth it makes sense i get it i mean i the year's the thing i was right i was right i didn't want my kids going away to college i said there's no reason for them to go away for to college let them stay home and go to college here and they they said well you you won't let go you won't let go that's right i'm not gonna let go why should i let go yeah yeah so they can go off to some some college and drink and and not study and worry about sex and their clothing when they can stay home and i can still do my parenting i think kids should leave the house at 32 i'm serious and i know you're laughing i mean i think that we're all going to be living our kids are all going to live to be 150 what is 32 years of parenting is that going to kill you to let me parent you for 32 years instead of 18 they came up with the idea of sending kids off to college when they were 18 because they didn't live that long but kids are living much longer now i i should be able to parent my kids until they're 32 35 or 40 moses wandered in the desert for 40 years the jews didn't find you know where it's pass over week the jews wandered in the desert for 40 years partly to avoid the tolls but mostly you don't come into your own i just did a joke for my act there cure it i got nothing i don't mind i just i don't mind here's the thing i think that um 18 is too young in all seriousness i think it is way too young but that's all we have budgeted for and to be honest with you it's more like 15 and a half so fingers crossed fingers crossed we have like a doogie howser situation in our hands and he's off to harvard medical school at 16 and then he's their problem speaking of hold on one second i have my six-year-old yeah what would you like almost done almost done mommy's career is very important okay by the way my son is often germany drinking six packs of canadian he's doogie who's her hoser doogie who i don't know let's plug some hoser hoser i screwed that house hoser hoser i don't know that's no good uh let's plug some gigs where you're gonna be uh when it was coming out uh it will be out friday morning at 3 a.m. our podcast comes out every tuesday and friday at 3 a.m. and i understand you have a new podcast i do i do it's called karen and kira can read and i don't know if you're into this kind of stuff but it's karen run towsky and myself giving fellow comedians readings oh because karen's all into the ghost stuff yeah yeah and uh we we have today um jackie kation is our guest and it's a good one it's a really good one so have a listen to find us on itunes or wherever you listen to your podcast karen and kira can read and of course my show that you have uh kindly been a guest on this is my name the kira sultan of its show i talked to again fellow comics i love comedians i just love them i do we talk about our kids and how they cock block our careers yes i talk about you mr um and uh and i i'm going to be doing the the uh god damn comedy jam tuesday april 25th in uh hollywood california the roxy wow so that's what i'm plugging right now good for you go enjoy your son thank you so much i should give him food you're so funny thank you thank you mr david feldman i appreciate you i appreciate you too you're brilliant thank you okay talk to you soon right hi uh mr irara yes is this fell to the clown well no this is his producer cap benelman i want to know nice i want to do it i'm rolling by the way oh you are okay this is cap benelman i'm the segment producer for the david feldman show yeah yeah i hear a lot of great things about it from david yeah and i just wanted to say i'm a little nervous talking to you because this is my first job in in podcasting and i'm a big fan of yours i just so and i've never done a pre-interview with somebody of your stature before so well i want you to look at me as just a regular guy who happens to have more credits and talent than most people i'm just you know i'm down the earth i'm proud of being down the earth okay i was number 79 in comedy central's list of 100 greatest comedians of all time that includes the bizantine era the ming dynasty you know i'm up there i was number right after sazriq the entertainer do you have any questions yeah should we talk about you being the 79th greatest no i don't want to talk about it yeah it has a sore spot in my heart i felt like i should have been 74 who do you think didn't belong on the list uh genean graffalo you ever get it's david feldman it's the i do i'm the master of disguise dom i had you go david holy man i had no idea i got you i got you you did man you're in new york i'm in i'm in new york are you in philadelphia i am i'm here i did i was at a wedding i do weddings now no i was with my family i imagine i'm at a comedian at a wedding with a dragon that would be everybody wanted to talk uh and i'm doing something for the university of pennsylvania i don't know with uh lou schneider you know lou i know lou yeah is it a is it a show for the university of pennsylvania or a benefit i think it's like they they show some film clips in my westeer's career and then they uh lou interviews me and i guess there's a question answer period for those of you for those of you don't know who lou schneider is lou is a great comedy writer i think he's working on the goldbergs but he was one of the top guys on everybody loves raymond and very early on he was cute and adorable and his stand-up took off very early on but then he gave it up well i wouldn't say it took off there must be another word it uh fizzled that's what the word is fizzle i knew it was close to take it off i stayed on the launch pad and you're in philadelphia i'm actually in new jersey i'm at my sister's house for the holiday get the fuck out of here that was your sister yeah you remember her everybody remembers her but i just was trying to get her straight she's she's very busty but there's no cleavage it's just like this this big thing big ribs yeah yeah and it just it's everywhere knocks things over mm-hmm it's got a mind of its own how long did you go out with my sister i wouldn't i never went out with her i would go in you know like into a closet or or boosts at the end those days they had telephone boots and i would i would spray my seed on her and and and that's how we're to go forward and multiply whatever the fuck he's done this is what you when you say spray your seed you mean you you were gardening and yeah yeah that's what i mean oh okay because that's my sister you're talking about oh i know that i respect that and she is busty she's had difficulty i'm trying to fix her up with a guy if you know anybody i mean you don't want to see her anymore do you you know what i really don't because i'm still itching from the last time i saw her but tell her i you know i enjoyed the time together and plus she looked too much like you look like you with long hair and didn't work out for me yeah by the way thanks for that ride from flappers back to uh the hollywood i think you got out of town right after that escapade uh-huh i was playing flappers or you were playing flappers and i said i'll give you a ride to the comedy store and what happened i got pulled over by the cops right no your car broke down in the park park a lot you didn't i get pulled over to the cousin the cops come you weren't you blowing me weren't you blowing me in the parking lot yeah with the cop remember they made me sit in the car what the fuck was that about they made me sit in the cop cop car i said i got a spot at the store why am i sitting here then they let me go that was so fucking weird yeah does this interview make any sense to anybody no but some of it's true and some of it's not but we did wasn't the cops didn't the cops pull me over they couldn't have pulled you over because you were in the parking lot maybe they did pull you know what i think you made a u-turn and they pulled you over right and you kept saying i'm damarara i'm italian not black let me go sometimes they confuse my people with black people but rest assured i'm italian not black i'm sicilian not european something happened i i i think i've blocked it out and so you're in philadelphia for a wedding and you had dinner with dr catz and his wife i did i did he told me that the uh the episode with you and david tell was terrific it was it really is and it's so funny you know he was on my podcast and he said uh at the end of the podcast we're just like kind of wrapping up and we weren't on the air anymore i said hey i don't think you you realize how strong you are sometimes he goes dam i hate my act but most of all i hate myself i said you know what i said that's why you're still funny keep on hating i've never been funnier i know you can't tell right now and that's not so you know what you do you hold back a lot you're you're the master of the hold back do you uh but i am miserable and i am i do feel i'm funnier that when i'm when i was happily married and went home to a loving house with kids and a dog and a white picket fence and three boys tied up in the basement uh remember those boys they're starting to come back to like the hot kids at the end of a wet fist now what's going on are you are you divorced finally or i'm getting there i'm it's like we're at the finish line and then somebody just just somebody just let off a pressure cooker uh well what happened you want to talk about it or you want to talk about it off the air i'll talk about it uh you know this is my third wife and she met this road comic uh you're kidding right yeah very popular they love them in montreal they love them in ireland whenever it's on the road his initials are di i don't know who it is di and i don't know yeah and whenever i came home off the road there was just little hints that this guy di was like di rules carved into the blanket yeah yeah and sometimes when we were having sex you and him uh not you and her yeah she would scream out big d big d number 79 number 79 numbers that's right how did you know she would say you're you're you're the all-time greatest 79 baby yeah i'm the one i didn't even realize it was your wife i was fucking you di how do you spell irer is it tom irer with an i ira ira ira you were doing my wife well i don't know what else she was to you but i was doing her yeah i have to but you she reminded me of a female version of your sister but they really just protruded i don't know how to explain it to you what is the weirdest pickup after a show that a what's the weirdest thing a woman do you remember the comedian john fox yeah uh do you remember him did you get along with him yeah yeah i didn't do coke or anything so we didn't have a lot in common but i got along with him yeah did you ever hear all the stories about him on the road most of the stories i heard were drug stories why you got like like uh sexual stories yeah but wasn't there a plan to collect all those stories and do a documentary or you don't you don't sound too thrilled about this i can tell no no i don't i don't know that much about him i know that he was like a really dirty road comic a lot of people liked him and they did a lot of coke and and he passed away right yeah he passed away he had the most amazing road stories that were just completely degenerate and you know the classic one is and it's almost like a joke but he he's in bed with this woman she asks him to tie her up in a hotel room and then she says can you go get something at the drugstore some kind of lube and he leaves and she's tied up and then he can't remember where the hotel room is oh shit and then finally like 12 hours later he remembers what this sounds like a joke then he comes back to the room after 12 hours of her being tied up and she goes kinky that has to be a joke when he told that to me right that can't be true sounds like a joke yeah yeah so you blew my cover with jonathan catz's wife you told her the truth about me i can't believe you're doing some charity event she had no idea that you were uh shall we say blue well you can work clean right i i could i i consider myself a clean act well i don't care what you consider yourself a clean act you can leave your delusions all you want do you think of me as dirty yeah but like more than dirty like repulsive that's why i love you don't wait a second wait a second don't you think my act brings it to the edge but doesn't go over don't you think the audience appreciates that i'm skilled in making them think differently without pushing them away first of all what audience you realize even your engineer is not listening to us don't you get hit how did you get hooked up with scroll van had to be like a political thing right Steve scroll van and i he started hanging out at kpfk the radio station right yeah i did that show with you yeah yeah and then killed yes you did yes you did i took two days to find the the proper burial for that person that killing that bloodfest i i i anyway but steve did the documentary about ralph nader and then ralph nader there are two people in my life who i worship domarero thank you we're on the same wavelength and ralph nader so we decided to do a radio show together with ralph nader and it's been oh okay yeah yeah do you did you ever meet ralph nader no no but i went to steve scroll van's birthday and he was vegan right mm-hmm and it was it was good and all but i mean his wife like it's it's gotta be so annoying to be vegan and annoying to have friends that are vegan because you just can't go anywhere you know i'm i'm trying i'm vegan sort of i'm vegetarian you're are you really well that's a big difference is vegetarian mean that you don't eat fish either i don't eat fish that's pescatarian yeah and i don't i i just i'll occasionally eat cheese and a headliner semen mm i'm hard as a rock i mean i'm i eat everything so what does that make me a pig i'll tell you what it makes me an american cow better america better american cheese come on we can do it so there's a lot of political upheaval upset you i'm kind of tuning it out quite frankly at least right now because it's i was talking to barry crimans on the last show about this and it's just bragging well he is uh i think there are two political satirists who i look up to barry crimans and don marrera that's why i called you i i need guidance on how to to deal with this this turmoil in america and i spoke to barry crimans and now i want to get some feedback from you about trump and the last thing i remember my goddaughter was uh you know very very uh worried about this election and i told her i said it's impossible that he gets elected it's absolutely because are you sure i go first of all i know nothing about politics and i go with i'm i'm positive i said even if he wins a few states that'll be an upset i said deal nothing to worry about of course the next day and he he wins a presidency with the electoral college votes and all that bullshit but i was stunned man i'll tell you i couldn't fucking believe it i couldn't believe it am i am i my youngest said to me daddy now that trump's president are are we gonna have to round up muslims and mexicans and i said no honey they'll do that for us well i can't believe that you know the muslim thing you know like especially now there's a lot of muslim comedians so you get to know the culture and know the people more and for and if they were really muslims and terrorists were the same thing we'd all be dead you know what i mean there's just plenty of them when we were starting out and did you were there do you think we would make it not that you made it but it sure seems like like there we had it easy back then there wasn't that much cockpit like women didn't do stand-up comedy when we were especially pretty women you know i mean now we got to see these beautiful young girls that are actually pretty good you know kate k quickley and jesse may the paluso and you know some of them maybe there are some really hot girls that are really good stand-ups now let's start with laura kightlinger i was in i was in ireland we're doing a festival and laura goes up she was living with jack black at the time you know and that was when she goes up and she has a really terrible set and she's very funny she's what happened i said you're too good looking you know it was intimidating to the audience they don't go for it and they weren't ready for it yet now they can handle it more but she looked like a fashion model on stage and nobody's going to you know get it have any pathos with that you know right not in those days right it was very hard for women back then especially on the road it was very hard for them well yeah you know they get the drunken middle actor drunken headliner wanted to fuck them and had to barricade their door and i remember tana pescatelli telling me how she lived in fear to him imagine living in fear of the other acts my fear was that they would do their act again please no more i can't take it i'll leave my bedroom door open you can come in in the middle of the night and violate me i just don't do your act i beg of you no no no i didn't notice i didn't notice it i'm sure it's funny if i did do you like a strong middle like let me answer this question because i'm curious what you think i like a middle act who have to follow who is working on his act what i don't want is a filthy act who kills and what i really don't want is maria bamford opening for me i brought maria bamford to san francisco it was very patronizing oh you're very funny we have the same agent i'm going to take care of you maria i'm going to bring you up to san francisco and they're going to fall in love with you with it was like remember the movie a star is born within within one day the entire city of san francisco falls in love with maria bamford but i'm headlining so now i'm i'm finally selling tickets i never sold tickets all of a sudden they're sell out shows but when i get on stage the audience isn't happy and it dawns on me were you headlining yeah yeah it dawned on me but oh i get it she's selling all these tickets well yeah we were in a cartoon together she uh she played the farmer's wife in a cartoon called back at the barnyard and she was fucking hilarious beyond beyond i mean it's she's so good so i don't like an an act who's opening for me who is just brilliant and fantastic and just better on every level when you mentioned jonathan catz earlier do you remember a guy named chris bliss yeah and he did like 15 minutes of uh basically juggling to the beatles white uh not the white album the abbey road album that one side where they have all those quick cuts i mean a marina not her majesty uh me and mr muster she came through the bathroom window all those you know once there was a way to get back home one and anyway he does a drug juggling thing to this and jonathan called me up he was in west palm beach he goes dumb what do you do when you're when you're opening act doesn't get this just a standing ovation a leaping to their feet ovation how do you follow that you know i mean because it was like a remarkable moment and the guy it was the only thing that he could really separate him from the pack you know as a comedian he was a regular comedian he's a nice guy pleasure to work behind because he's not too not too strong but but professional but as a juggler a funny juggler he was just unbelievable you got a call oh yeah this is probably this is the this is insight into show business who's the call from uh probably a talent scout who saw me recently he was going to get me out of this drudgery i was oh david i hope i make it someday is there anything that would make you nervous right now if you got a call is there anything that would make you nervous what when it comes to stand up is there a gig you'd say if i laughed at a ventriloquist puppet i was feeling ashamed of myself if i actually got mad at the puppet uh is there anything make me nervous you know what i used to open for share i remember and i was in the row with her and i did minus a square garden and my sister was there and she was nervous and it got me thinking maybe i should be nervous it's not normal not to be nervous and that got me oh shit i don't want to look up because all the banners are up there with the nixon rangers and all this stuff and so that that's like the most i that most recently i was nervous that was probably like in uh the early late 1990s you know but that did make me nervous but not not anymore i mean what's the most so is that the most nervous you've ever been in your life as a stand-up no no the most nervous i've ever been by far was the first tonight show uh first time i did this night show car so i was still doing it and all i wanted to do i mean i was in the dressing room i i was not having any fun i was fucking terrible i never get headaches i had a terrible headache i looked outside i saw the hills in burbank and i thought i'll run out of here and i'll run into the i'll run into the hills and just start a new life you know in the hills somewhere i'll just i just had to get the fuck out of there but i ended up doing it doing okay and all that but uh that was really nervous it was not fun they go just have a good time you have a good time you know it's like try having a good time in front of all those people and those those tears those balconies so looking straight up into the sky and johnny karson and mcmann are 15 feet away from you that was that was really scary scary boo were you enjoying it while you were doing it no i hated it i was acting like an act i just wanted to get through it you know i worked very hard and it was very polished act and all that shit and no it was no fun like you know i had fun when i used to work with craig fergeson uh and he was just throw the cards away and just talk and that that was fun i mean we would one time i came out on stage and he introduced me is going to be in it at the at the dember comedy works i said craig you really got a crack staff here i already did the dember comedy works last week but you know i'm hot i'm so hot i'm so white hot in this business now they have to post plug my dates there's riots right so he said you know if we play he says look this is just we're just we're just uh taping this you can we can stop and still you can start over i said no i don't have time for that man i gotta spot up the laptop so you know the audience knew we were talking around but but it was real you know i said because he came over to me during my set and he's so much bigger than me which made it look funnier and i said look why don't you go over there and you're in your high in your high seat look down on people i'll david letterman and i'll do my little joke monkey act and then we'll come over and act like we're friends all right and that was that was like fun because it was you know it was real and it was maybe we were making each other laugh and all that but with carson that was a time when one shot could not make or break you but it would definitely move you ahead or way back right if you well it's certainly you know for rozan and drew carry and a couple people like that it really helped i mean i know i was fortunate enough to be in a ronnie dagerfield special and that really was incredible because that was like the soprano of its times in the sense that everybody watched that show everybody watched the new you know don't danger fields young comedians whatever it was you know do you mind if i ask you two questions about that because i was watching the rodney danger field documentary and they showed you doing the young comedians special i could not believe how fully formed you were as both a comic and a man i was i was watching they showed a clip of you was your first tv shot i guess you were so i don't want to say polished but formed and brilliant and the language people always forget about you what a great writer damarara is i remember there was a benefit for ralph nader's public citizen one of the first oh yeah yeah you see la or something yeah yeah yeah steve said come out we have all these people from public citizen the people's lobbyists they're raising money all these comics went out and did political humor their hearts were in the right place you went out in front of all these i don't want to say intellectuals i don't know just you know liberals and you just did your act the place it just destroyed and the language so litter all these literary references that you don't pass yourself off as a writer but you're an amazing writer do you sit and write this stuff out no actually i try and remember what i said because unlike you in the sense that i'd rather be funny in the moment and i'd rather uh i mean you know i just don't have the talent to sit there and write like a real writer like woody allen sitting there from nine to five and i want to have sign felt how he does it and he said that he said he said this is the years years ago way before his show he said what i do is i sit there for 25 minutes with a pad and a and a pen and if something comes great but if it doesn't that's too bad but at least i tried you know so you had the discipline to do that i don't even have that how about you me it's too separate if i'm writing i'm writing for stand-up it's got to be something i say in conversation yeah i have never been able to come up with a joke for my act by sitting and writing it because it's stand-up as a conversation with the audience yeah so yeah that's interesting you know what's interesting about stand-up i'll go ahead finish now you go ahead you go ahead i was gonna say my interesting thing about stand-up and i i can feel it happening was when the audience is relaxed by your body language because i i remember like thinking jonathan for instance we used to do this place called nix in boston and nix was like a mixture of the mob and crooked police at the time you know it was really fun and you know like i said something i had a a ticket for backing up on the expressway in the snow and about five irish cops offered to fix the ticket for me after the show i thought what a great place for the mob and the police can live in harmony together you know but uh i knew i don't know what my point was on that but it was just uh well i'm gonna say why no jonathan i jonathan i said i begged him to do the third show Friday night can you imagine like a second show Friday night isn't bad enough days to do a third show so i think i said john you know i'll look let's do the show and if you're not having a good time just bring me up and i'll uh i'll cover for you you know as he walked to the stage he hadn't even he just been in a juice as he walked to the stage they booed and heckled his bald head he didn't even say you know so he goes up on stage and they're booing him right they didn't even say anything for like about a minute which is a long time in that you know in that kind of state and after about a minute he goes precisely and he walks off the stage he walked on the stage without saying anything ah he's so funny he is so effing funny are you ever in a situation that you can't handle or is it just you know it's a horrible situation so you forgive yourself and just enjoy it you know i don't think i get too high or too low i just think that i figure that i'm in a certain certain level not to sound dickish about it but figure at this point if certain material is not doing well that i know works it's probably not me but that doesn't mean it can't be me at times you know so i don't i don't think i'm so wonderful or so terrible i just kind of stay in the middle you know i just i practice so much that uh i think i have an idea of of when i'm when i'm phone it in and when i'm being real you know i think that the idea of fun of time is really interesting because i'll go to the commie store after doing like you know an hour on the road and that 15 minutes seems so fucking long you know like it's so relative how time is i remember being on stage what do you mean what do well i don't know because you're in competition with all these great acts and when you're on the road you're more relaxed you know you're opening act the middle act and you and it just doesn't you know the hour the you know seems to be the same as 15 minutes to me at the left factor your comedy store in la you know when you're up against the best the very best comedians around you know that makes sense yeah in fact it tells that something interesting because my fantasy has always been to live like a tell to stay in new york and only work the clubs just to commit a hundred percent to stand up i was never able to do that and he said he didn't really get good until he went on the road which destroyed what i thought about him he said it wasn't so you thought of him as like a real new york act and you know dan vitally i love dan yeah bill hex you know bill hex is right yeah and dave dave was like the young comic and he'd come into this place called the west way and he goes what you like to make it and i know you know dave it's really a relative term i mean making it to some people to me making it was being able to do what i love doing and actually make a living i didn't have to be the star of you know the don my rarer show with a special guest don my rarer you know everything i always think that's the kiss of death of those other than sign sold when you name the show after you because i was on daemon and daemon wings had a show and it was called daemon and they go oh that's a bad sign when you call it after yourself you know although i guess rosanne made it what do you think yeah yeah she made it yeah so it's how was young and hungry was he respectful oh very very it was he's very humble he's you know he was not the dave we know today who's fucking hilarious you know but not he wouldn't call him humble you know was there anybody who worked harder than he did on the new york scene i don't think so right he was writing is incredible his imagery you know like the that jokie has uh about uh he had a fear of traveling because his parents beat him with a globe you know i mean just like jokes like that are so they're so like hard to figure you know i mean there were certain guys like mitch headberg right you know mitch yeah and he used to write jokes that were just come off you know come out of nowhere i had to beg i just have this show called full frontal comedy i don't know if you were on it or i was on sure you did it yeah yeah because you'd be perfect for that show because you can be dirty as you want you can be politically incorrect as you want you don't have to be i had one black comic come up with me goes down i don't say pussy in my a mother fucker i said you know i said what just because you're black you think you just admit it's mandatory i said just do what you do i want it to be a show that you're free to say whatever you want the like just like being in the club that's all it was but anyway mitch gets up and i had to beg to get him on the show and uh my producer and i stand there in the lab factory we're standing in the back watching and he does this line he says uh i realized when i practice tennis no matter how much i practice i'll never be as good as the wall right and it's just like what a fucking great image you know yeah hey i have a memory maybe it's incorrect did auto and george do full frontal they were hilarious he where did george george was the dummy did george wear a sailor's outfit i think so yeah i'm pretty sure and you know one time he was late he was late for the gig and they followed it from his point of view you know so because he was so short he was like looking up women's dresses and stuff hey nice ass he had cooked he's looking and then he comes in and auto's almost upset he goes what are you doing in there he goes fuck you auto you cock sucker suck that cock suck that cock and he's you know he's doing that whole auto george bit and he goes you're nothing without me you motherfucker you know and uh it's just so funny people what a torch what a tortured soul that poor guy was you know it was one of those things i remember i worked for denis miller for a long time on the hbo show and about three times a year he would say to the writers put on some auto and george and he would have this is before youtube and he would have tapes you know bootleg tapes of auto and george and we would just go down laughing just the it was the funniest ventriloquist act ever and i guess you could find it on youtube i i'm pretty sure that full frontal i remember auto came out in the sailors outfit the little puppet and he goes nothing nothing but tits i can't see a c word from up here where's the c i'm not going to say it because i want to see somebody's c word and it was just did you know auto oh very well yeah one time we were much you all and i was hosting this show uh kind of like a uh it was kind of the precursor to the uh the nasty show right and it was it became like a very big hit up there but auto was on and the strings to the puppet's mouth broke so it couldn't move his mouth and you know there was a band there and auto panics right he goes look i'm sorry he was uh you know i think bobby slayton was one next so there's bobby slayton here uh can you know and he just panics and rick machine who was drew carrying tim alan's manager an old friend he says good to talk to him in the back he likes you about me so i go to the back was so bizarre the puppet's mouth was completely wide open and it was like he was giving him surgery and he was tying the strings i guess to so that he could connect it to the good ability again and he actually said that a puppy because i can't believe of all times you're doing this to me now you know you're embarrassing me you fucking you know and he's having like an argument and i said no auto and i walked in you know like a guy where the one who has a gun pointed at him but he knows the guy's not going to shoot him he walks real slow as soon as i go auto you did great he goes yeah don i go because i said auto you don't have to worry you he goes but i bombed the end i said they think it was a joke you know i said that you did great you don't realize how you know you did enough time and then you know he kind of came down off the ledge because of that it was so funny rick machine uh at one time was the most powerful guy in hollywood he had tim allen he had drew carry right it was yeah uh and but his favorite act was auto and george if you if you know if you ask him who's your favorite who do you wish you could do the most for he'd say auto and george uh yeah there's some story want to go ahead no once in a while you know we'll all be up there on a sunday watching football and i'll just put auto and george on you know we're in the middle of this though they're all smoking weed and stuff and they'll just you know watching the games and and putting music on and all and then auto and george just takes over the room for 20 minutes and then we go back to our regular lives you know it was funny auto and i to this day i can go on youtube and type in auto and george and i because he's you know it is so funny about it he's not even trying right there's no effort it's just it's it's just pure remember steve surep he used to run the riviera and auto was on stage they did an x-rated show at midnight at the riviera and and steve steve was the guy who ended up in his pranos and all that big you know a Jewish half Italian kind of like tough guy from from brooklyn he goes it goes down not from London look at his mouth his mouth is moving his ventriloquist his mouth moves more than mine does when i talk and he did it he just lost any fucking caring about the actually appearing to be a ventriloquist and he would just talk about the mouth would move bobby buck a lot steve shripper became bobby buck a lot of the surprise yes and i never got past that i just couldn't believe that they put him in the sopranos because i remember him as the entertainment director at the riviera you're from you're from philadelphia right and you go back there you still have family there right mm-hmm yeah i saw them all saturday at that wedding and we were talking to tom ryan last week he's also from philadelphia i love tom ryan yeah there is there's a character to people great guy bad complexion by the way i'm just trying to keep the story moving there is a personality to philadelphia here's my theory about philadelphia the people are very self-conscious that it's not new york so they lured it over you that they're not jersey they're they're proud that they're not right right but they're intimidated by new york is that a fair statement yeah it's very fair so they don't know what their status is are you proud of philadelphia yeah i mean because i love this so much i can also be like embarrassed by the behavior sometime you know the uh some of the sports fans and all that stuff but we've been you know they've they've picked it apart they've dissected every bit of that and what the reasons for it and all but they are tough i mean they're they're brutal the sports fans here excuse me sorry david allergies i think i have and i know that this is riveting for a show post nasal drip and i'm sure you want to hear more about it but i don't talk about it no tell me about what is post nasal i always hear about post nasal drip what is it you know it's it's amazing how people don't know when a subject should be let go no i'm serious and the the fact is nobody really i mean nobody really wants to know too much about your sinuses i'm fasting how you doing i got this allergy oh yeah and then there goes and i when you when you get to your post nasal drip can we go into a dark corner and you know i just put a light blanket on myself and start quietly beating off as you talk about particularly having your throat i have a friend who is an ent and he says your sinuses are this it's like the new york city subway system it's very intricate and involved in Byzantine and there's dirty and dirty and there's a filigree smells of piss it's exactly what he said he said your sinuses if i went in there would smell like piss he says he says it just winds around and around and around and around it's and that they're fascinating he says it's the most fascinating part of the head so post nasal drip i've always heard that term does that mean things from your nose are dripping to the back of your throat yeah basically but i don't think it's from your nose i think it's from your sinuses i don't think it's in your nose and goes back that far and i can't believe i'm talking to answer and you seriously on this by the way as if i really know it's my theory on the sinus cavity if i may what's your favorite cavity yes i meant to ask you about your wife something uh oh that's you later did you do you ever think you know one slight adjustment in your life no stand-up a wife kids a day job do you ever think that that could have happened you you know i think that i'm because of my slight mental illness that i would probably not be here if i had to do that if i had to live like that i can't believe that i'm fortunate enough to have you know quote you know as i said before making it is relative but i consider that i made it you know like i said you know a little while back that just if you make a living doing something you love you made it you know mm-hmm i was but i can't imagine you know i can't imagine that life of like living in a row home in philly and going to the westinghouse and working and you know wanting to retire when you're 39 i mean that kind of shit you know having the boat on the driveway the fishing boat oh god well that's really making it living for the weekend living for the weekend yeah i was with gilbert godfried last week now this i was telling i guess i know guess i know who picked up the check in that that's an area so my sister and i had dinner monday and tuesday of this week and it was Passover and we're talking and i said you know i really don't want to do Passover with the a certain type of person you know she's what she she knew what i meant i said i was with Gilbert the other day this is a long way of telling you this but uh somehow the Beverly Hills supper club fire came up do you remember the Beverly Hills supper club fire John Davidson it sounds familiar what happened well i was sitting with Gilbert and his wife and i mentioned the Beverly she was she said we want to get john davidson on Gilbert's podcast and i said why don't you dedicate an hour to the Beverly Hills club supper fire and Gilbert loses it when i say that he starts laughing and if i make Gilbert laugh now i'm you know my life has meaning and then she asked about the Beverly Hills supper club and i said well it was a fire in 1977 john davidson was playing there and the whole place went up went up in flames and his band leader died because he ran back into the the theater to get his charts charts are very expensive if you have an orchestra and you pay for charts they're like at that time they were like forty thousand dollars so the word is he ran back in to get the charts not to save anybody to just get the charts right and he died and as i'm telling her this Gilbert is laughing hysterically and i'm i'm the happiest man in the world because i'm talking about the Beverly Hills supper club fire and Gilbert's laughing and his loving wife is laughing she's young she doesn't know about it and i'm saying to my sister to me that's a Passover Seder you know i i can spend time with somebody and Gilbert has Passover with Paul Schaefer and that crew and i'm thinking i could do that i could but i can't sit with normal people you know like you described with the job at Westinghouse and the yeah i can't sit with normal people and i can smile and pretend that i can have a conversation with you but i want to talk about the Beverly Hills club supper fire and if you don't know about it i want to tell you about it and i want Gilbert to be laughing hysterically at it that's what i'm looking for that's what i find relaxing and that's always been where i'm at so i i can't sit back do you ever what i mean to me you're famous but i would assume that you're in situations where people don't know who you are of course yeah do you are you able to do you say i'm Dom Herrera i'm a comedian or do you for just expediency say i work at Westinghouse uh i i try never to talk about my act or i'm the fact that i'm in a comedian like like on a plane like you know i want to i never talk about it i mean sometimes people i'll give you a good example which was really funny oliver stone was sitting next to me on a flight from from new york to la and we were first class and the the couple of the flight attendants recognized me they kept doing the lines from Seinfeld wow you know and they would come and then you know bring me a drink and laugh a little talking about something you know excuse me is that a post anyway that sounds like post nasal drip do you have post nasal thank you yeah yes it is and i know it's it's funny how life works that we were kidding about it now i'm actually in a little discomfort but i don't want to hack one up you know because it's very very unprofessional but uh so you're sitting with oliver stone sitting with oliver stone and during the flight how are your sinuses because the cabin pressure can be not bad you know you got to remember to gum to do something to your cudd anyway we get we're like uh he only got up one time we didn't talk the whole flight and he didn't say you didn't talk or you did talk we didn't we did not talk at all but like he noticed that these people were like making a fuss over me and goofing with me anyway at the end of the flight he said who are you and i said i'm i was flight attendant of the year and i said what do you see when we get to the jetway i got my own parking space right next to the jetway and he just went like this you went oh oh and he just kept reading i wasn't going to tell him i'm a comedian you never heard of but yeah it's interesting living a life of at the level i'm at where i could be like signing autographs at gate 10 taking pictures at gate 11 i'm just some fucking fat old man you know i noticed it like as i'm getting older like now i see women helping me with my bag like to put it in the overhead i think oh that's what i look like now it is interesting because of the i guess they call it the long tail of the comet uh that anybody can be incredibly famous and you have no idea who it is i always love walking especially especially now with youtube and all that yeah you were saying you were walking along no i was saying that when i used to live in la we would always go to the farmer's market i remember running into jeff garland at the farmer's market i think he was having lunch is it bill Simmons the sports guy i think so yeah you're a big sports guy i'm not a big sports guy i just don't i'm not interested in sports don't get me wrong i love sucking cock but well i don't think that you know that's not one of the same i mean i uh anyway so i sit down like a half an hour ago so you didn't want to say a word and now you're doing with sucking cock i didn't want to say what word cunt what word again is that i didn't hear cunt i'm sorry cunt listen to me i said cunt hang on are we are we losing him i can't what was the word uh yeah bill Simmons i guess it was bill Simmons i had no idea that i was talking to bill Simmons and garland goes boy you were sure relaxed around bill Simmons god i you're as cool as a cucumber i don't have no idea who you're talking about so you can be one of the things you can do is tell somebody you're really famous well that's pathetic yeah i've i've done that you've told people that i'm famous i tell people i'm damarara and they say really we remember being a lot funnier let's plug some gigs sir plug some gigs i'm at the um where am i next week i'm at the austin moon tower fest comedy festival in austin texas wow we're planning on killing in the following week i'm at the black box theater i believe is called in delray beach florida or bokeh return florida three shows only get your tickets now and don't fuck yourself and not in that order i'm in uh then i'm in in may at the end of may i'm at the killkenny cat labs festival killkenny ireland that's magic have you been there yeah i was there with you and and kathleen madigan i thought you were there yeah you were like the mayor of killkenny god that's funny yeah how are they doing over there before you go how good good it's really you know it's hanging in there you know i'd love going to that town they they call me the godfather of killkenny it's so funny after all these years i mean i've been going there it always kills me david when they go uh the press like this scoop i go they got it so stupid they go did they get you in killkenny i go no that's why i go back every year because they don't get me it's so nice to hear my acting peace and quiet all the interruptive laughter and applause just an angry irish murmuring that your cat for fuck's sake did they get you what do you think if i go back every year i'm telling you this year they're gonna get me well i love you dom thank you for doing this i know how busy you are and yeah i know i'm the lady that comes in here to turn me over so i don't convince her i love you too david take care thank you bye bye all right brother that's our show special thanks alonzo bowden make sure to check them out if you live in nyak new york go to levity live tonight or tomorrow check out alonzo bowden domarera coming to a comedy club near you as is kira sultanovich what a great show three great comics hey give us a good review on itunes that helps subscribe to us on itunes please subscribe to us on stitcher check out pay what you want go over to david feldman show dot com and pay what you want don't forget our show april 29th at qed friend me on facebook follow me on twitter most importantly share this episode share the love share the laughs share the knowledge from the show briz studios in downtown manhattan that'll do it for us medicare for all and for all a good night