 The Jack Spendney Program, transcribed presented by Lucky Strike. Friends, tear and compare. See for yourself that Lucky's are made better to taste better. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer. Carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end, and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco. Now, do exactly the same with a lucky strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are too loosely packed. Some even fall apart. But look at that lucky. See how it stays together. A perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco, so round and firm and fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Now, what does this mean to you as a smoker? It means you're lucky as free of excessive air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry, and those annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. And because you're lucky as long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco, it burns evenly, smooth and mild. Yes, tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton lucky strikes. Lucky strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Ailis, Boston Quartet, and yours truly, I will. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to bring you to the start of our show. A man who... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Don. Who's this guy? What's going on here? Jack, I'm sorry, but when I read the introduction you wanted me to give you, I just had to go out and hire someone else to do it. You hired this fella? Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a great pleasure to bring you to the start of our show. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, fella. Wait a minute. Don, you're the announcer on this show and you've got to introduce me any way I want to do. Well, Jack, this time I'm not going to do it. I've got pride, you know. Pride. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great... Oh, shut up! What is this pride you're talking about? I'll tell you what it is. Just because you played a violin duet with Isaac Stern on last week's television show, I'm not going to introduce you as a great concert violinist. You're not. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure. Hold it when you please. Hold it a minute. Hold it. Phil, great concert violinist. Dad, you sound like somebody's been spiking your rod. Well, you're a fine one to talk. What do you know about music? Okay, Jackson, okay. I will admit that personally, I may not be the world's greatest musician, but I was smart enough to get together the finest musical aggregations in the world. Oh, you were, eh? Phil, if your band is one of the finest musical aggregations in the world, I'd like to ask you a question about Don Rice, your bass player. Nobody slaps a bass like Don. That's what I'm getting at. Why is it he always takes his hand in a bucket of water before he slaps the bass? Of course I have it. What? He used to work in a brewery slapping labels on bear bottles. All right, Phil, I'll accept your explanation of Mr. Rice's musical eccentricity. But what about Bagby, your piano player? What about good ol' bass? Well, Phil, I won't... I won't say anything about the fact that he's on parole. We'll forget that. But he can't read music. He doesn't know the white keys from the black keys. And I never saw such a crazy-looking piano. What's that extra pedal for? That was Bagby's idea. Four pedals and a piano? What are they? Soft, medium, loud, and gas. Gas pedal? Never knows when he'll have to make a getaway. Oh, then that answers my other question. I was gonna ask why the piano has white sidewall tires. Old Bagby thinks of everything. Well, it's too bad he doesn't think a little more about music. What? Phil, you know as well as I do. Not only does Bagby play by ear, but if it isn't in the key of C, he can't play at all. Oh, he can't, eh? Okay, Jackson, you ask for it. Hey, Charlie. Yeah? Come here a minute. Phil, you don't have to go through all of this. Look, you said that all he knows is the key of C. Now, let's find out. Go ahead, ask him anything, anything at all. Okay. How about something with three sharps? Go ahead, Charlie. Give him something with three sharps. Well... Think hard, Charles. Oh, I know. The on-dotty movement from the Barber of Seville by Gillette. Three sharps. Look sharp. Feel sharp. Be sharp. Phil, you can tell that corny Bagby to go now, will you? Yeah, okay. You better leave town. How do you like that? He drove the piano right out of the studio. I don't know why I get into these things. All I wanted was a classy introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, Not from you! Not from you! Not from you! I want the introduction from the one who's supposed... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. What are you mad about? I'm not mad. Just that I asked Don to do something when he refused and hurt my feelings. Don Wilson, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. After all Jack has done for you. In fact, we should be grateful for what he's done for all of us. And when Jack requests any of us to do something, we should make every effort to comply with his wishes. Thanks, Mary. I guess you're right, Mary. Okay, Jack, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll introduce you as a great concert violinist. Ladies and gentlemen... Wait a minute! Mary. Jack, is that what you asked Don to do? Introduce you as a great concert violinist? Yes, that's all. That's all? You ought to slap your face. Mary, I thought you were on my side. Whatever gave you the idea that you're a great concert violinist? Because I'm my television show. I played a violin to every member of the audience. I played a violin duet with Isaac Stern. That's why. And he wants me to call him Yasha Benny. What are you laughing at, Mary? Last year he killed a grasshopper and for two weeks I had to call him Frank Buck. I didn't kill that grasshopper. I brought him back alive. Don't be so smart. Anyway, I don't know why Don had to go out and hire someone... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. I'm glad you're here. It's about time for... Dennis. Dennis, you're limping. But I didn't get hurt bad. Hurt? Dennis, you have an accident? Yes, I was crossing Sunset Boulevard. I got run over by a piano. Oh, perhaps a bit. That was Bagby. He got his piano from Madman Woolitzer. Now, Dennis, I got to get this program started so you better sing your song right now. I'm not going to sing until you pay off for my being on your television show. I can't do that until next week. Jack, why can't you give him the money now? Well, he isn't going to pay me money. Mr. Benny said if I went on a television show, he'd do something for me. That's a great honor. A great honor? Yeah, he's going to write in my name for president in the California primary. Oh, for heaven's sakes. Imagine writing Dennis's name for president. If I'm elected, I'm going to declare war on Johnny Ray. Dennis. I will now sing my campaign song. Yes, sing the song you're supposed to. If you're too late, I... Be my sunshine. Now, give me my cell phone and go home. If you haven't done anything, I'm not going to pay you. Oh, yes you are, Don. You got yourself into this. Now, pay him and get him out of here. Oh, all right. How much do I owe you? A buck and a quarter. Okay, here you are. Thanks. So long. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, fellow. Come back here. Yeah? You take a job as an announcer on a coast-to-coast program for a dollar and a quarter? That's my price, a buck and a quarter. A buck and a quarter for an announcer. Read this, will you? Just try this. Yeah, okay, sure. It's a lucky strike program. Star with Jack Benny, we're 11 stars. What's your name? Say, that's all right, Mr. Quetz. Jack, you wouldn't dare. Hey, I can lead a band, too. Now, wait a minute, Quetz. I can lead my band. Bill, you stay out of this. I can also sing tenor. Well, did you hear that, Dennis? Who cares? I'll be in the White House. I'm not going to be president. Forget it. You stick around, Mr. Quetz, and I'll talk to you after we do our play. Oh, Jack, are we going to do a play? Yes, Mary. Tonight, we're going to do our version of that great universal international picture, Bend of the River. Oh, Jack, isn't that the picture that starred Jimmy Stewart? That's the one. The colorful epic of the days of the covered wagons as civilization moved westward into Oregon. So, Don set the theme. Okay. In the year 1867, at the end of the Civil War, a covered wagon set forth for the northern tip of Oregon. Its destination was a new settlement, and leading this intrepid group of pioneers was that fearless front-tearsman, Buck Benny. What is it, Keith? We've been on the trail since time up. Do you think we ought to stop for the night? No, Kate, we got to keep going until we reach the next waterhole. It's only about two miles, I reckon. Oh, Buck, let's stop here for the night. I said we're going to keep going. Well, can't the horse pull for a while. I'm tired. All right. Hey, Dobbin, get out of that wagon. Sure gives you a buckler-quarter as well. Stop here. We got plenty of water. I know, but it's not safe here. This is an Indian country. Sure? Of course I'm sure. Oh, a scowl. That's yours. Pick it up. I've been riding alone for days. I reckon it's all right if I join you into Oregon, ain't it? What's your name, stranger? Jimmy Stewart. I'd like you to meet Kate. The kind of dough I'm getting here, I'm letting myself go. Here, I hear something. Let's take a look. Say it's a bear. No, no, Jimmy. It's a buffalo. I took his word for it. It was a buffalo. I couldn't argue with a man who's been... Hey, wait a minute, Jimmy. We'll soon have meat. Well, what do you say? Quiet now. I'm taking him at a raccoon. Now, don't shoot. It might be keep-over. Come on, let's get on with the hunt. To our wonderful hunting dog. This dog wasn't a pointer. He's too well-mannered. Buck Benny. And I ain't afraid of man, beast, or grasshopper. He sure looks sadder. How, Indian? How, big chief, thunderstorm. I'm just a cry. I'm a man of the Oregon. My name is Buck Benny. Let me speak to him, Buck. I talk their language. Listen, you're Indian. What? Shoshone, Tabet, Iroquois, Oak, Tulebo, T.P. I'm a man of the Oregon. I'm a man of the Oregon. I'm a man of the Oregon. I'm a man of the Oregon. I'm a man of the Oregon. I'm a man of the Oregon. I'm a man of the Oregon. What did he say? He's running for president. We're not looking for trouble. We want peace. All the way you can have them pieces. Make you join tribes. You mean make us Indians? Yes. I'm a man of the Oregon. I'm a man of the Oregon. I don't know your song. Get your gun. Don't waste ammunition. Don't shoot till you see the whites of his eyes. He didn't see the whites of his eyes. What can we do for you? I'm working with a bunch of miners. Gold miners? Yep. And we struck a drift. We got tons of gold. But we need food to cash through the winter. Our food ain't for sale. It's for the settlers in Oregon. But I'll pay you well. I'll give you ten times what you paid for it. And in gold. It's offerless gold, Jimmy. Gold. Let's sell. Now, buck, think what you're doing. With the gold, you'll starve to death. But with the food, you'll live. Live to see another spring with its flowers and soft breezes and balmy air scented with orange blossoms. Now, wouldn't you rather have all that than to die with the gold? To our buck thought it over. I mean it, my mind, Jimmy. We're gonna sell the food. And I say we're not. Who's gonna stop me? Me and my shooting man. Well, I've got a gun, too. I hated to do it, buck, but it was the only way. Oh, that's all right, Jimmy. And I'll forgive you before I die. Oh, and I'll wait a minute, partner. Don't say die. We cowboys never die. We just go on to the big corral up yonder and gather around the heavenly campfire where the chuck wagons always fill. Where the deer and the antelope play. When the wagon wheels sing a happy song and the little doggies wonder around among the purple sage. And there ain't no last round up because the cowboys... Get through already. This won't sound good on the Amos and Andy show. Goodbye, Jimmy. Goodbye, everybody. Even though he's not with us, he's happier now than he ever was before because we buried him in the gold mine. The settlement in Oregon at the band of the river. You can tear and compare and see with your own eyes how luckies are made better to taste better. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer. Carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco. Now, do exactly the same with a lucky strike. Then compare. You'll see some cigarettes are so loosely packed others have excessive air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry, but you won't find that in a lucky. Just look at that perfect cylinder of fine mild tobacco so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Notice those long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco that smoke smooth and even that give you a milder, better tasting cigarette. Yes, friends, tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton, Lucky Strike. Do you do stuff to study? Be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike today. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Jimmy Stewart for being on my program tonight and be sure to hear him tomorrow night on the Lux Radio Theater when he will do no highway in the sky. Good night, folks. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, the America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. 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