 So, hello everybody and welcome to our next class of Marriage and Family. We are into our third week of our class and due for the next lecture. So the last time that we started off, we have had an exciting start, exciting discussions. The last time we did talk about specific areas of preparation that we need to be ready before we consider marriage. We did look at seven specific areas, we ran through them, but I think before we get going into our next section, I would like a few of you to maybe give me your thoughts about what were some of the areas that we covered, some key learnings that you took away, some key learnings that you have decided to probably start working, whether you're married, whether you're unmarried, either of them. So quickly, maybe the first two, three minutes just for a essential recap for all of us as well as for those who are in our e-learning portal as well. Yes, maybe would like to hear people who've never spoken up until now, would be great to hear you as well. What were some of the areas we spoke about for preparation and any key learnings that you took away, which you are able to apply in your life right now? We need an opening batsman. Thank you, thank you, yes, yes. The key things that I started learning on from last lesson was one was becoming the best I can become to prepare for marriage. And second one is emotional health. So it's good if I'm at my best, so that's when I meet someone else or when I start living with my wife, all the emotional baggage I took from my past, not past life, but growing up with the last 30 years, it doesn't cause problems in the future. And the third one was personal management, how I manage my time, how I manage my finances, how I manage my household, even though I'm still single, how do I manage my house? Is it a mess or yeah? And the fourth one, I think those relationship skills, we need to improve on our relationship skills because it's to be disastrous if we're going to marriage, if we're going to marriage and our relationship skills are not there. So people will, it will be trouble. And the fifth one is overcoming the past abuse, things that's happened in the past, we should resolve those before we go into relationships or marriage. Thank you. Thank you so much, Mangi, you bought the first five points up beautifully. Thank you so much. Okay, we have two more points, anybody would like to bring that up. So Kennedy has said money matters and faith related issues, okay. Anyone else? So I think Kennedy has bought about one more point. So there was one last point that was, that needs to be covered, which we covered anyone else who remembers, jog your memory, anybody? Last one point, you have the notes in front of you and a quick run through of your notes would be great, you know, like a recap, like we would do in school, you know, when the teacher asked for a question, there's a book under the desk and you quickly look up and say, okay, I think I got my answer. So that's fine. You can do that too. No? Okay. So the last point, communication as being a backbone. Okay, great. This comes as a part of, part of relationship skills, yes. And the one last point that maybe we haven't covered, chastity, okay. So it's being sexually pure and, you know, purity before we consider marriage in the way that we consider our sexual appetites, our sexual thoughts, our sexual actions, being free from addictions as well as making a commitment to be, to stand in purity before the Lord, confessing any form of sin in that area so that we can, we can walk into marriage free. Thank you. Thank you very much. Okay. So today we are going to be going into our next portion again, an extremely exciting part of the course, especially for those who are not yet married. And so, so again, for those of us who are married, continue to stay married. And even if you do find certain situations that may not be probably, you know, certain recommendations or certain, certain principles we are, we are bringing up, let's look at improving ourselves within the marriage that we are in. Okay. So our topic for today is making a choice. How do we make a choice when we would, when we are considering marriage? So what this chapter looks into is certain practical and biblical guidelines as you go about choosing a partner. Now even as there are so many of us from different cultures, from different places, the methods that we may use may vary across cultures. So the context in how marriage takes place in how we make those choices can differ depending on, on the culture. So across cultures, we are, we understand that it can be different. And we also know that we may not all be in a situation to have an opportunity to apply all of these principles because there could be different factors that affect the choices we make. It could be factors considering, you know, the homes we are in, maybe it could be parental influences, it could be societal influences, it could be cultural influences. So it could, there could be certain constraints. And as a result, what we would, you know, if you find yourself in a position like that, allow the Lord to lead you and trust that the Lord will do what is best for you as you make that, as you make some of those decisions. Okay. Because we do understand that in some cultures, you may not have the freedom to choose your own partner. And you know, there may be, maybe a lot more of parental decision making that happens in that. So if that is so, and, and, you know, you respect that culture, we want to help you see that leave it to the Lord and the Lord will guide you, I mean, speak to the Lord about it and He will guide you through that. Okay. So we're going to be looking at some principles of, you know, how can we, can we make a choice? So I think for those, maybe we can begin by starting, you know, for those of us who are married, how did you make your choice of, of marrying the person you have married? And I'm sure we'll get some funny answers to, but, but that's okay. We're, we're learning together, we're, we're understanding, we're supporting each other, we're learning from our mistakes for the younger people who are yet to get married. Yes. So how did some of you make your choice? Samuel, they're all waiting to hear from you. Thank you. Well, one is, I think got married at an early age, I mean, I was what 26, I think, 26, 27. And I didn't prepare, well, I didn't have right guidance, but how did, how did I determine I think I just knew it somewhere. I don't know that I can't define it, but I just knew that I had to marry this person that I had met, that I had been seeing and, and yeah, we just decided to get married. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Anybody else? How did you make the choice of getting married to the person you're married today? Brother Charles? Oh, you're asking Brother Charles to speak. Okay. I thought Brother, hope you're not married, right? Hope you're, that's why you're so excited about this class. I can share mine. Can you hear me? Yes, Shay, I can hear you. Who, who is asking, who is asking me? Hope is asking you, Charles. Okay. So for me, I would say, I came out of a relationship. You go. Which was, which was supposed to lead to a marriage and that didn't work. So I just came out of it with just the focus, just to concentrate on myself, to build myself and get closer to God. But there was a, there was a friend who I'm married to now. We were always talking to each other at the point we kind of got communication. Then later on we, we started communicating. But a day came when I realized that within me I had this impression that there was more to our relationship than just we being friends. So I decided to take it to God in prayer. We did some days to really stick the Lord because I wanted to be sure that this was the right person. So I prayed about it and I was convinced and fully convinced that she was the one. And then yeah, that was how I found out that she was the one just going to God in prayer and seeking his face. Thank you, Shay. Thank you. Yeah. So Kennedy says he made a choice because he loved her dancing style and beauty. Wow. Amen. Okay. Anybody else? Anyone here made a choice because their parents made the choice? Anyone here? Okay. Or any other reason? Yes, Charles. Charles, I am not able to hear you. Answer? Can I answer? Yes, Charles. Yes, you may. Yes. Yes, you can answer. Yes, Charles, you may answer. Charles, we're not able to hear you. Maybe you could put it up on chat because. You can't hear me. You can't hear me? You can't hear me? Okay. Yes. Can you hear you now? No, you can't hear me. I'm honored that the hands are closed. Yes, you can hear you now. They are going to affect the cause of my voice. Okay, go ahead and say yes. Me, I loved. I loved the way she spoke and I loved the way she did her work. Okay. Thank you, Charles. Hope I hope you got your answer from Charles. Okay. All right. So let's look at certain biblical practical ways that we can make a choice. So again, hope pay good attention. The way she spoke and the way she did her work. Okay, I think Nisha has written something. Thank you, Charles. Thank you, Charles. Okay. So Nisha says she had come out of a bad relationship and wanted to straighten her life. She decided to marry due to her parents' pressure. I made a choice to marry my husband. Would me so much. I was totally stricken. Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Nisha. Great. Okay. So let's look at some ways of what are certain things that we really need to consider. So one of the important things as you consider marriage is to understand whether there is the principle of agreement coming together in the principle of agreement. So if you want to look at scriptures, certain scriptures that comes out where, and I'm just going to name a few in Genesis 2.24, where we've spoken about this, where we said, where the verse says, therefore a man leaves his father and mother and raises his wife that they become one flesh. Okay. So the principle of agreement there or in Amos 3.3, it says that if two people don't walk in hand, hand in hand, they aren't going to go anywhere. Okay. There again, there's a principle of agreement or in Mark 3.25, it says a house that is divided against itself will not stand again, a principle of agreement. So when we're looking at a principle or a place of agreement, we are essentially looking at where we can be compatible. So what is compatibility? Compatibility is a place or an ability to exist together in agreement. Okay. So existing together in agreement, it is being yoked together. That's what we talk about being placed in agreement. It is to come to a place of understanding that despite the fact that there may be differences, we work together and we take that as an opportunity to work together. So our differences don't divide us, but it unites us to help us to grow together, to help us to work together in our life ahead. So remember marriage is not only about finding the right person, but it is also about working together in agreement. Okay. So when we look at marriage, we are looking at the union of two different individuals, but a union of three of our realms or our entities, that is our body, our spirit, as well as our soul. And that's what we need to look at to specifically see if there is a place of compatibility. So we're going to be defining four specific realms or areas of compatibility that we look into. Firstly, physical, that would consider the body. Then emotional and intellectual, which will bring about the soul. And spiritual compatibility, which brings about the spirit. And lastly, what our purpose or our direction in life needs to be. So remember once again, compatibility does not mean that you find the exact replica of you. And that's what I do see in counseling over years. People come in for counseling and say, we just figured that we are not compatible. Actually, if you look at it, you will not find an exact replica of you that actually matches you word by word. And that's not what we are looking for. It is compatibility means an ability or a place or a principle of agreement that you're willing to walk in as you are joining in together. So that there is unity and strength in that relationship. So when we're looking at these areas, we're going to be looking at four areas of compatibility. So the first area that I'd like to look at, we'll start with the most important one for, you know, as we see people, you know, that may appeal to your senses. As one is, yes, of course, the physical compatibility. Now, it is important to be attracted to one another. It is, you need to be able to appreciate and like each other physically. Now, this is something that needs to be considered. And there is absolutely nothing wrong in being excited about the beauty and the appearance of somebody. Okay. And like Kennedy said, he appreciated the beauty and there's nothing wrong with that. Just that it needs to have its rightful place and shouldn't be the core reason or decision making factor for choosing the partner. That is not the, the cover is not the only criteria. There is a lot more under the cover, right? But of course, you should be attracted. You should be, you should like the physical appearance of the person. And I, like we said, there's nothing wrong with it. The next area would be, of course, the emotional or the intellectual compatibility. Now, like we spoke about earlier as we were talking about preparing for marriage is that we connect to people, whatever our relationships are, we connect on the level of the soul. Our minds connect together, our emotions, the way we decide, the way that we reason out, the way that we think. That's what brings about a connection with people. So in marriage, it is necessary to look for that ability to connect to the soul, that is the mind, the will, the emotions, the reasoning part of it, the intellectual part of it. So some questions that you really need to check is, when I talk to this person, am I able to relate to them emotionally and intellectually? Are we at the same wavelength? Do we have common interests of topics that we can converse in? Are there specific areas of interest that we can share, we can relate to each other, we can enjoy with each other? Even as we relate these topics, is there something that there seems to be an understanding to it? Is there a respective difference of opinions that may come about? So that's on the intellectual level. On the emotional level, is the person, are we able to understand each other's emotions? Are we able to understand the kind of emotions that rises within us as we relate to others? Are we able to sort out differences and emotionally be mature in the way that we relate to one another? So you're specifically looking at a maturity in a level of emotions, as you're relating to one another. Like for example, let's say you're relating to someone, and someone is emotionally very mature, and someone who isn't, right? And there, of course, you will definitely see the differences in the way that they work together in these emotions. Now, so let's also be careful to know that in your initial times of understanding each other, and I think Sam brought up this question, you will not really be able to know everything about the person or the way that they emote at your very beginning. But that the start in itself is good. There should be at least some kind of a point or a common ground in how you relate to one another. So something that I do keep telling my young people who do come to get married is, ask hypothetical questions and find out how would they, how would they emote at a time like that? How would they relate? What kind of a decision would they make? What happens? Because you kind of get some kind of a rough idea about how they emotionally work. So ask those questions, bring up hypothetical questions, maybe things that you've seen around you. Bring that up and find out if something like that were to happen. What would your response be? And it really helps to give you an understanding of their emotional place. So like I want to reiterate again, now some of us who may be married may realize that there may be incompatibility in this area. Now, please do not use this as an excuse to keep away, rather see the difference and maybe if you need to get help to work on this specific area of your life, go ahead and do that. Ask for the Lord's help and wisdom as you deal with these emotional differences that you may see. The third level important is to be in a state of spiritual compatibility. So one of the markers that we need to understand is that it's not just sufficient to be believers or those who are in the Lord. While it is of course absolutely necessary, we also need to take it a step higher to see if as believers you hold a similar commitment or a similar discipline or a similar passion in your walk with God. And to find out maybe a simple question like if God calls you, where do you think God is calling you to? Or if you were to call you to something quite contrary to what you're doing, what would your response be? What are your emotional time like with the Lord? How much of scripture do you learn? What kind of service are you at your local church? Now these are important questions to us because considering that two people having two different ideas about what kind of spiritual involvement they need to have and coming to a place and seeing that maybe one is strongly devoted, the other is mediocrity in their devotion, there can be a sense of an incompatibility or a sense of mismatch. So ensuring, asking those questions and finding that out. Again, that even if for those of us who are married, if you're in a place, you do find incompatibility, the same principle holds, please continue there and patiently work through this. The last one of course is your compatibility in life's calling. So a very important area of compatibility is life's calling. In to understand what do you think you should be doing in your life, maybe five years, 10 years, 15 years down the line. Although we may not all know everything about what our future is, but there needs to be a sense of recognition that this is what God has called us, called me to pursue. So for example, and I do see often there are times that when couples do come, it's not thought of and it's fine and they may take some time to think of, but that's very important to discuss and to bring about so that both the man and the woman in the relationship is aware, because one may be very clear about what they're calling in life needs to be. They probably have it understood and charted out and they would want to pursue it and is looking for a partner who will support and help them through that while also giving them the freedom to move into their own calling. But when people do come together, it is fairly necessary to understand if there is a calling that the other person is. Else what happens is there is dissatisfaction. It can result in a marital conflict. So these are four broad areas that you can look into and something that you need to take time to discover, to understand. And that helps of course as you communicate, as you watch the person, as you get reports maybe from others, understand a lot more about their lifestyle. So a lot of these are certain principles that you can use as you. As you're looking in for a partner. Now as we understand this, it's also important to watch out for some signs that may be like red flags. It is important to look for them. It may not come out just like that without you actually asking them. And some of these and what are these warning signs and why is it important? Because these warning signs could be potential conflicting areas that may rise up in marriage. And it is important to address these areas before marriage. So when you make your choice, I think there's something that we need to keep in mind that there are two areas of our mind that may be in conflict. One is our emotions and one is our head or our thoughts or our reasoning. Very often in love a lot of people go by emotions or are blinded by their emotions. But to set back your emotions and begin to reason, begin to understand, begin to tease out is very, very important. So being careful not to be overwhelmed by your emotions and being blinded at the signs that may be steadily at your face. And a lot of that, I have very many examples of people, young people who've got into marriage, being unyoked and feeling that it is God's calling for them to save the other. That only if they do married, do they get married, will they be saving the other person or it's up to them for the salvation of their souls. Now that's being blinded and that's being, you haven't reasoned out, understood, excuse me, the knowledge of God's will, which is very clear in scripture that says, do not be yoked with an unbeliever. So that is one of the examples of being extremely overwhelmed by an emotion. Another area could probably be, especially when people are steeped in addictions and maybe a believer may probably steeped in addiction. And one of the partners feel that it is again their calling to free them from that, to break their chains. There again, not being overwhelmed by emotion, but reasoning out, seeing if the person is going through a restoration phase, is going through a place where they are able to change certain things. So here are some things that you need to consider, what are some of the warning signs. So first and foremost, I believe it's a lack of preparation. For someone who is going to be married, how much are they actually preparing for them? Are they only looking for the Mr. Perfect or Miss Perfect? Or are they doing their preparation and working on themselves knowing that they are an equal contributor into that union? So is there a lack of preparation? And consider these seven areas that we spoke about and find out if there is a lack of preparation. If there isn't a knowledge of it, I'd say give them a copy of this and say, I'd like you to read this and maybe let's work it out together. So yes, a lack of preparation. The second could be the certain signs of immaturity. When you assess the person, do they seem responsible enough to take up this responsibility of marriage and family to be able to lead a home either as a head of the family or as a helper of the family, wherever their roles are, I mean a man or a woman, whatever their roles may be, is there a sense of maturity in the way that they are looking at this phase? The third is, are there any kind of weaknesses in their character? So we need to understand that sometimes there can be certain serious weaknesses, they may be into big addictions, multiple relationships, maybe certain emotional issues that can be issues in staying put in a job, it could be issues in their attitude. So are there specific character weaknesses that could be detrimental to the marriage? The fourth one is a sense of parental control when you're looking at, so something that is very strongly seen in the culture that I grew up in, you're just not getting married to a person, you're getting married to a family. And sometimes I think that's quite true in the culture that I'm in, because everything seems a lot more intertwined and enmeshed in the culture I'm in, that just marrying the person is not enough, but also looking at what the family is. So what are certain signs that you need to take care of? Is there a lot of involvement and control which can come in as an interference in the building up of the union? The next one is dependence, is there a sign of parental dependence? Is the person too dependent and attached to their parents in decision making or in resolving their emotions or in financial help? Is there a lot of dependence on the family of origin? That's again another sign. The thing that you should be doing is not making a decision in isolation, but getting the insight from people who are close to you, from your family, maybe from church course, from friends, from your mentors, to really understand what they think about the person you are considering and whether they are also able to see some of these warning signs that you've probably picked up. So we spoke about being in a principle of agreement with specifically four realms of compatibility, the physical, the emotional, intellectual, the spiritual, life's calling, and we did speak about some warning signs. So does the class have any specific question that you all can raise up right now? Any question? Yes, Christopher. Yeah, I'm not sure where this fits in, but one of the things I think is that there are some fundamental differences in the way a man and a woman sort of react and how they respond. It could be in the emotional aspect particularly. And I think in that compatibility sort of emotional compatibility area, I think there is a need to be able to accept that and realize that there is this difference. I mean, I remember, I think I'm not sure where anyone has read this book, but there was this book a long time ago, not a long time, maybe about 20 years back, which is something like it's called Men are for Mars and Women are for Venus. And sometimes just the makeup of the man and the woman and how they react. And I think acceptance is key in that area. And being able to have that emotional maturity to be able to accept that and also realize that those differences do exist. So, not sure where that sort of fits in this discussion. That's a good point, Christopher. Thank you for bringing that up. So, yes, Christopher, you are right that the way that men and women are wired, emotionally wired, are very different. And it's interesting that the way that men and women emotionally respond. So, in general, now this is a general principle, okay, there are exceptions to this, that men are sometimes a lot more, you know, they are more task oriented. Women are more people oriented, relationship oriented. So, especially when it comes to emotions, men do things, whereas women may feel things as they do. So, and as a result, you know, there can be conflicts that come about. So, a good understanding of how a man and a woman works would be, you know, is excellent. I do want to recommend a series on, I'm unable to get his name, but I will. A series, it's by a pastor and he brings this out and it's available on YouTube. So, he's a Christian pastor who brings about the differences of a man and a woman. And he talks of, I will research who the person is in my next class and I'll tell you who it is. So, he brings that out beautifully with illustrations as to how we emote. Whatever, however, it is not just to accept, but also be willing to meet maybe the emotional needs of the other. So, for example, let's say one partner is a very practical person, whereas the other partner being extremely emotional, okay. So, being in the state that you are and saying, you know, this is how I made, I'm quite practical, emotions don't touch me, or I'm quite emotional being practical is, you know, is a face away. That will not work. It is coming together of these two people, seeing how they can work together in order to meet, you know, some form of practicality in some form of emotionality. So, even as you're coming together to find a partner, let's say you're an extremely emotional person, and you do require some form of emotions from the other. So, if you get married to a person who doesn't talk, who doesn't, you know, who feels feelings are taboo, you're going to be in a difficult place. So, that's what I meant also by saying, ask those hypothetical questions, like, you know, when you're in a conflict, what would you do? So, they may say, you know, I just shut down and I just sit in my room and by the next morning I'm fine. I don't need to talk about it. I don't need to do anything about it. So, you get an understanding of that. So, maybe you say, hey, you know, this is the way that I am. I'd like to be open for discussions, although I know you may require your space, but I do need some point of discussion. Would you be open to that? So, that helps you to understand where the compatibility is. Yes, acceptance is important, but also to know at what level of emotional, in the emotional spectrum that they are in. So, to discover that, to discover how they are, because not all men are unemotional or not all women are emotional, there can be degrees that you will find. So, it helps in communicating when you, before you make that choice. Okay. There's a question by Kennedy, can being sexually hyperactive be treated as a red flag? So, as we said, all of physical aspects do have its place, but if there's anything that is beyond what is needed, okay, can be considered as a red flag. So, and I think that there needs to be an assessment on that. The primary understanding when we're looking at marriage is progressing the Kingdom of God. And if there's anything else that comes at any step or any priority that comes before that, you know, that's something that we need to look at as a question. So, can being sexually hyperactive? Yes, it can be treated as one, especially if it doesn't have its, I mean, since you said hyperactive, I'm assuming that it is not in its limits or it's not in what is needed, it's not respectful to the other person as well. So, that's how I've taken those two words. I hope I've answered you, Kennedy and Christopher. Okay. Now, even as we go ahead with finding the right partner, it's important to also know what is it that you can expect and what is it that you can give. So, you know, the two scriptures that specifically come about here is being one in Romans 14.5, it talks about how each of us should make up our own minds and be clear about what is it that we need or what we expect. Excuse me. Okay. And that's something. So, just as we look at the scripture, you know, that it says in Romans 14.5, it should firmly make up your own mind. We know that the scripture is not in the context of marriage, but it helps us understand that we do have a responsibility in what we choose to do. So, when we make a personal choice, like, you know, when you look in for a job, God has given you that responsibility to make your choice. And you do that with the understanding you have what being in God's will by the knowledge that God's given you, the reasoning God's given you, and that's how you make up your mind. And just like that, even in marriage, you need to, even as you make your choice, you need to take on that responsibility, being sure that this is what you would desire, this is what you want when it is in accordance also to God's word. So, as you prepare when you make a choice of a life partner, you need to also be clear of the kind of person you would like and have those expectations realistic for those for your partner. So, for those of you who are not yet married and those of us who are married, it is good to go through some of these questions and help us revisit. And I keep telling, you know, people who've come in for counseling, go back and revisit your expectations because the expectation that you had when you were a young bride or a young groom is not one that you will have when you are a mother of two or a father of five, right? They change. And it's always good to revisit those expectations. And because that not just improves the quality of the relationship, it also brings you to a place of understanding where they may be at a certain point of time. I'll give you an extremely practical example, you know, especially when you become new parents. And I'm sure maybe some of the men may agree. Suddenly, the wife becomes, you know, becomes responsible and attention is divided. Time is, you know, is crunched. It is again divided. And the woman seems to have, the mother seems to have changed in leaps and bounds. Whereas the poor young husband is still, you know, awaiting attention, awaiting presence, awaiting love, awaiting, you know, that morning cup of coffee and that good hug. And suddenly, you know, right after the child is born, there seems to be a change in that. And that can be an extremely conflicting area in the life of a couple, right? So to be able to rework some of those expectations, hearing those expectations out also very helpful, even, you know, in the course of marriage. So much before you get married, find out what are some of the qualities and traits that you're looking for, you know, put that down. What is what are some of the qualities that you are willing to offer? What are some of the strengths that you are willing to bring up? What is your picture of marriage? What is the home and the family that you want to build? What do you see as marriage should be like? So, you know, I have answers like I want marriage, I want my home to be an open home, whether there are people who come in, they walk in, there is a meal there that's offered, you know, anyone can walk into a door. Why is this important? Because the person you're marrying may saying, hey, you know, I like my private space, my private life, I'm not a person who wants many people. So these are important to understand. Okay. Also to understand what would you help towards building this marriage and this family? So thinking through these questions are, you know, make it very practical and make it make it real. So don't get too fancy, you know, too fancy and, you know, think of marriage like, like a Disney story, right? Be practical and look for clarity even as you're describing your expectations. And remember, you may not always get everything that you want. And so, so figure out what is absolutely critical and what are some of the things that may not be that essential. So that this sort of a framework will definitely give you the guidance and the help in making your final decision. Okay. All right. Is there any question before we, before we close our lecture for this hour? Any questions? Strange. I thought I'd have many questions today, especially making a choice. Okay, all good. All good. Okay, great. Okay. So we shall meet for our next class in around 10 minutes. Thank you.