 Felly yw Gweithneid Gweithgingaeth ar hyn yn ei gilydd hefyd. Rydyu'n adroedden yn galwyddoedd yn Gweithneid Gweithneid Lleif Coedeg ar Gweithneid Gweithneid Gweithneid Gweithneid. Mae'r modd yn gweithneid Gweithneid. Felly ydym ni'n gallu gwisiau gael o gwahod o'r painodau'n cysylltiad. Yn gyflaen… Yn gyflaen o'r painodau'n gweithneid, o'n cofnod o'n cysylltiadach. Mae fyddech chi'n gweithneid, discoverson nhw'n ddysgu. a gilydd y ffordd yma o bethau sy'n gallu gynhyrch yn ymdathiannol. Fyddech chi'n gilydd i gyd? Yn ei ddweud, fel yna dwi'n adonai'r gwahodd o'r hynny, oherwydd eich hoffi'r hwnnw, oherwydd y ddweud a'r hwnnw yn gallu'n gwahodd o'r gwahodd a'u pethau'r gwahodd. Felly bod ychydig iawn yr ydw i ddweud. Mae'r hoffi'r ddweud oherwydd eich hoffi ychydig iawn. pan dweud o'r rhaglen. Felly, roeddwn i'r clwn i'r ddechrau, roeddwn i'r meddwl. Oherwydd mae'n meddwl y fawr o'r ddweud, mae'n o'r ddweud o'r llawr o'r traxiau, o'r ddweud o'r ddweud, ac mae'n ddweud o'r ddweud o'r gaelio, o'r gaelio a'r wych. Mae'n ddweud o'r gaelio o'r gaelio'r ddweud. Mae'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud. Ac ydych yn fywyd yn canolion i ddigon rhywun, yn ddigon rhywun? Ddhoo'r sannol yn y adysgrif iawn, roeddiad y ddigon, o'i ychydig ssutain bwysig yma, ac ydych yn ddweud y banyllai, o phwy dod o bobl, o'r hynny'r bwysig yn ddweud ydw i'r ynion ychydig yn eu cychwyn i'r ddim yn oed hwn. Don ni'n ddweud i'r ddweud i'r ddweud. Y anoddogi, mae gennym i'r ysgrif iawn o'r perthyn nhw. ac Private to gain more deeper meaning and understanding of their mentality of their psychology and the stages they are at. because every stage of the child has got certain things that they will make them more or less someday and will raise their moods, hormone levels, and that behaviour changes. Ac ydych'n dweud, dyya ni dwi'n meddwl am y bydd ymgyrch drwy'n dweud, dwi'n meddwl am yr dyfodol yn y bydd â'r rhain, ac yn fom ni'n ddych chi'n gwybod yr straf, y rhaid, y nod i chi'r gweithio yn holl gwrs ar dangos. Ac those are the real important aspects. Firstly ydych chi wedi ymweld iddyn nhw ddim oes y mae'n meddwl am yr oedd eich cyfnod sy'n ei ddweud ar y pryd yma. Ac yna'r rŵл yn dweud i'n bwysig yw amddangos, That is not something that that you can overcome. Any challenge, any situation, anything that you're faced with it can be overcome. Instead of you just focusing on the problem, but focusing on the solution. and the process and the stages to actually overcome that. OK, what would you say to perhaps parents who are struggling with how the society we live in as being Muslim parents. Obviously there are certain things we want our children to refrain from. ond we want them not to sin and it can be difficult because their friends are in certain social groups they're doing certain things they want to be part of the group and it can be hard to constantly say to your child no you can't do this because you're Muslim and this is haram and this is a sin. Would you say approach of perhaps substituting things for the child so for example one thing that comes to mind if you have a girl and she sees that all of her friends are wearing nail polish and they're bright nail polish and you can perhaps negotiate with her to say well you know what I will allow you to wear nail polish that is a nude colour or clear colour because it's not so bright. Do you think these things can help with children because sometimes it's difficult to restrict them? Yes it is difficult to restrict them that's why the whole idea of being in a family is to really have strict values and beliefs that is in your foundation from the beginning. And you as parents need to know yourselves really well be in connection with what your values and beliefs are as well as today's society and psychology and how that fits and how that links and think about the actual, you know, not the differences but the actual connections of it. So in every household there's going to be restrictions it's not just about it being because of your religion a lot of the time we only think that religion is the restriction but actually it's just not appropriate it's just not good at this particular time. Just like schools will say you're not allowed make up or you're not allowed to wear really many skirts or whatever it may be and they have it and it's not religious purposes but they have that. So we have to teach our children that there are rules and boundaries within our households and for us yes it's even more so the fact that we can call upon religion but not in a negative way to say because there's protection, there's benefit, there's reasons for it. So there's actually much deeper meaning and understanding which we have to actually accumulate that knowledge and awareness first really solidly so that we can transfer that information to our children at different stages and ages as they're growing. And to be strict and even with raising teenagers you need to have boundaries they need to be a balance and they need to understand that because a lot of studies have even shown that strict to parents make better children in the future as well as adults. It's not just about restricting them it's about having a safety net. It's the way in which you approach educating them about religion, about the rights and wrongs, about what is good for you and bad for you and not just say well it's haram. What is the meaning? What is the purpose? You know if you are even going to compare, compare in a healthy way because there are many examples of people that have that freedom with their children and it doesn't necessarily work for them. And if anything you know they give them so much like also the other issue is I do train parents to become coaching parents because there's different types of parenting skills. There's lots of books out there and actually to be honest it could be quite confusing but it's very simple in coaching because you're not just giving them actual especially for teenagers. They don't want to be you know they're promised to be just told to them and given to them and sold for them and told them you know tell them this is what it has to be. You need to allow them to come up with their own ideas but you cannot do that if you don't have the skill and the training yourself. So you know people take parenting and marriages and being even as brothers and sisters or any relationship really lightly but it's not. It actually can be a skill and a talent that you need to gain from awareness and knowledge of psychology and mindset as well as the approaches of how you are as a being. The treatment that you give others you know we say it very loosely and widely but if you take it into depth and if you take it into something that is a lot more constraint as to you know yes we have to treat people nicely but not just our strangers and neighbours but no in your actual household and use that as a practice first and then take it out. Exactly and it starts with your spouses and it starts with your children and the rest follows. And there is a skill to it absolutely and more and more parents are now struggling because they think when they're young they have to be strict and hold them tight and make sure they know everything and as they become teenagers they don't have that authority, they don't have the ability, they don't have that right. You always have that if you are in a particular way of being and your child is adapting to that. And yes there are stages they're going to be a bit rebellious but then you're going to know for seeing it or even preparing for it this is how we're going to bring them back. You have to be that role model, you have to be that person that sets the example and they're going to want it and turn to you. You have to make yourself on a certain level that you're not even supposed to be or didn't desire to be and didn't expect to be just so that your son and daughter are going to look up to you. And people don't think like that, they just think because I'm a parent there's just an automatic title and it's there. No you've got to earn it and the way you earn it is to learn how to do it and if you learn how to do it and train yourself in that way in various ways then you can actually have that connection and bond. You will have that influence for your teenager even at that stage that they're at. And you will have an amazing relationship and actually you're going to create an adult that doesn't need any issues to be solving because you're dealing with it from that stage and age. And that's what's really important about raising teenagers is you knowing what's about to happen, what could happen and how do I address it. You need to be involved. In fact another study has also shown from psychologists that teenagers actually want to have that close connection with their parents. But what you find is they're very close when they're young and as they become teenagers parents leave them because they don't know how to deal and it's like they need their space, they need their time. Yes but to such an extent they don't even have that communication skill, they don't have a relationship or it's too much where it's like they're overpowering the teenager. So you need to find that balance but you need to be inviting so they actually want to come to you. That's the issue I feel nowadays parents are not listening to their children because they don't believe they need to. They think well I'm the parent, you listen to me, I don't need to listen to you but I think they're getting that wrong because actually when you're a teenager we're supposed to befriend them. Exactly, there are stages. This stage of befriending them, becoming their friend and building trust between one another and one of the things that teenagers will see is that if the parent doesn't trust them as much they're not going to really tell them as much information or be as honest and they will conceal things. Of course and you know what it's understandable from both parties it's really difficult. But Imam Ali alai salam has always said as well to raise our children in today's day and age not as a person so a lot of parents nowadays they need to change their mindset. They really do, it's not like well I didn't have that from my parents so why are children expecting it now? Well you need to grow with the times. You need to be in today's day and age and children are a lot wiser, they're a lot more observant, they're a lot more able to get information that my generation or the one before had and they are aware. And they want you closer to them to explain to them because they're getting this information so much quicker in their ages and stages, it's a lot overwhelming. They're coming out of that, especially teenagers, they're coming out of that childhood stage and they're reaching into that adult stage which is quite actually responsible and it's quite a lot of pressure put on them. So you need to understand what they're experiencing and they might not express it the way you think well I don't understand, they're just moody. But where is that moodyness coming from? It's because there's a lack of understanding, there's a lot of meaning, there's a lot of them understanding what they're facing because there's a lot of big decisions even being made in education and their friendship groups that will lead to their future. And they have been told about this in school and a lot of it's overwhelming but you're the ones that are going to give them that support in the household to say that we're there to catch you, we're there to support you, we're there to understand you even if you make a mistake and you mess up. And that's the other thing, the understanding and the idea of failure and not being successful. That needs to also be developed in a mindset to say well it is okay to get it wrong, it is okay to start again. Failure is not just failure, failure is meaning it's feedback. In NLP there are these presuppositions that we use to sort of give people an idea of a different way of thinking and one of them is that failure is feedback. It's not necessarily the end, it's not necessarily you not having the ability, it's the way in which you look at it. So there's so many things in my training that I can give and help and assist parents and teenagers to understand that their parents are also concerned for them. They don't necessarily have that understanding of what they're going through and everything differs even if you read about it but if you have that close connection with your kids and even people say well I haven't built that connection. Well you know what connections can be built like that and broken like that so you can rebuild it. And through the stages even if you're there constantly it can be built up because you just take the interest. There are separate families, there are mixed families in a sense that there's steps you know children, step parents you know they come in at any stage in your life and they can build close connections. It doesn't matter of the scenario, the situation, the circumstances, there is absolutely no excuse if you know you have the right mindset, if you have the right psychology and education, understanding and knowledge and not just knowledge, knowledge with wisdom. A lot of us have knowledge but without knowing how to use it. We can spit things out as to what we've listened, what we've learned, what we've read and memorise it very well but I'm here to help you use it practically. Take it home and practice on your children's, practice on your spouse, practice on your colleagues and your friends and whoever it may be and see the impact and the difference it makes. Also read parenting books or articles or child psychology. I think a lot of parents don't tend to think to go through that group. It's fine if you're struggling, go in and research, find out what is it that... There is a lot of information out there. I'm doing wrong because sometimes we blame the child like you had said but yet actually what are we doing to cause the child to react in that way? Absolutely, take responsibility. Do you know what actually I think I'm doing something wrong here because they're not acting the way I want them to or the way that they should do, let me go and have a look and apologising maybe to your child, maybe if your child sees you that you're apologising to them. That's powerful. That could be a powerful approach with them as well. Absolutely. As parents we need to take it upon ourselves that yes we fight for roles in our professional careers. We fight for roles to be particular people in certain settings. We need to fight to become parents. We need to be leaders and masters in that field and it doesn't come just by just having knowledge from your parents. You take that. You take the knowledge from the books. You go to classes. You read. You learn. You even listen to other parents. It's a variety of things. You never get influenced by just one. Even the books that give you so much information can be confusing. So you take that book knowledge, the theory that you read and you put that and you say, you know, do you do this like that? You know, does it work for you and okay my child is slightly different so it may not work for me. I'll try it if not I'll try something else. But you need to also master being a parent. You know, whatever role that you put yourself into, whether you choose to or not, whether you like it or not, be a master at it. You know, be that influencer that you can be not just in your work environment but most likely and most importantly in your home and especially for your children. If you could be that role model that they look up to when they speaking in graduation and you're the one that, you know, if they look at you and they're like, I want to be like mom. I want to be like dad, not just for the profession but for the traits that you carry, for the character that you possess. Now that is something that we as individuals need to aspire to, but that means we ourselves need to change before we expect even our children to change. You know, and that's what we're not looking at. We just think we are born this way. We raise this way. We've done it from our parents way. And you know, it is in lives difficult, times difficult. Every time is difficult. Yes, you know, it is fast going, you know, media, internet, whatever it may be. But actually you can use that to your advantage. You can be smart about it instead of using it as a problem. A lot of people they think, you know, they'll find more problems in these solutions, but you just look for the solutions and work with it. So, you know, all of these things are so, so important. Getting your child as well into sports activities, it's so vital. It doesn't matter if they have two left feet. There are many things that any child can do. And it's not even about, you know, being challenged or, but it teaches leadership. It teaches discipline. It teaches being in a team. It teaches sharing. There's so many qualities in sports that people do not realise, and it's not just the usual sports that you can do. Even if it's part of a, you know, a science team if they're not really, you know, sporty or something which is like a little bit, you know, physical with regards to their handwork, for example. It doesn't have to be their whole body. Like arts and crafts. Yeah, whatever it is. Anything that will drive their attention away from being bored, because when children are bored, teenagers especially, they will go and drift and do other things that perhaps parents wouldn't want to. So keeping them occupied and active and doing things from experience of seeing family and friends, I feel has helped a lot because it's distracted them, the children, and it's made them focus on a specific task. Definitely. And we need to raise children which are going to be, you know, motivated and driven for more. And even if they're not motivated and driven for more, they need to still do what they need to do. Wake up, study, learn, work, get yourself up and do stuff, because so many parents come to me and their teenagers are just stuck in the room. And they have no say. And I'm like, well, you need to have family day and everyone comes out of the house regardless and go for a drive because this is what it meant to be. And they might be moody and they might not like it and they might start off that journey moody, but eventually they'll be okay. It's another creating habit. But you have to be that force. You've got to be that influencer. You've got to take, you know, charge and, you know, make them try and say, we all are going, but we leave them. A lot of parents leave them because it's the easy route and they get further and further away and they're in that shell and they're in that bubble, which is actually really not healthy mentally. You know, and they're going through a lot and they're not discussing it. It could be something simple, but it can only escalate if that's been left alone. They socially isolate themselves. Parents are scared. Nowadays I find with all the knowledge and technology, they are actually scared to enforce their right. Both has right. But you need to be that because you're like, I really love you and care for you. I'm doing this for you. Voice that. You know, sometimes these kids, you know, you think that they take it, they understand and they know that you're actually doing it for their benefit. No, you've got to inform them. You have to make sure that they know what you're doing is out of love. And you've got to remind them. You don't take it for granted that they actually understand that. Because a lot of the time that's all it takes for them to feel like, wow, OK, mama, OK, Barbara, I'm actually going to do this for you. Just by saying that, you know, I want better for you. I want more for you. And I know that you are capable. You also showing and giving them even if they want to do something which is totally, you know, unreachable. But you showing that support and you showing that encouragement and you giving them that, you know, that love and attention. You know, knowing that it may never happen. But that alone, they will learn along that journey. Then they themselves will come to the decision to say, I know you're supporting me, but you know, I've changed my mind. But you're still with them the whole way. Is there anything that that's never going to be you? That's never going to happen. You want to do that? Oh my gosh, no. You know, those sort of things are so vital and important in you raising healthy, mentally, psychologically. You know, really, you know, basically positive, you know, adults. This is what you're doing. You're not raising teenagers. You're raising the next generation, the next future and their mental state. A lot of psychologists say now a lot of people that are going through what they're going through as adults. And again, I've said this before and I'll say it again, is because of the mental stages they have gone through in their childhood and teenage years that has not been resolved, not been handled properly. No one's saying that you shouldn't have problems in circumstances. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying with the problems you've got to know how to deal with it. Whatever it is, and that's what's going to make the difference. I'm sorry to cut you off. I just wanted to mention about some challenges some parents do get when they have a girl and a boy teenager in the home. Now, obviously, we know having a girl, teenager and a boy teenager can be quite different. Their hormones are different. How would a parent cope with enforcing certain things that they couldn't enforce on the girl or the boy? Or how can they deal with it having the girl and the boy in their home that are both teenagers? What methods or approaches could they use? Well, you know, we have to look at our children as individuals anyways. I just think it's not even about gender. And yes, there's the obvious reasons of gender. But I think, you know, Islam has a rule for both men and women and, you know, the values and principles and the traits should be the same. I think culture comes involved and sometimes can actually interfere to make that stigma and have that, you know, sort of like difference between, oh, you know, maybe parents might be easier on the male than they are on the female and things like that. And people can feel like, you know, because I'm female, I'm being held back a little bit because of that. And that doesn't work. You need to look at individuals, you know, our children as individuals. And, you know, those rules do apply. It's a tough world out there for both men and women and they're both facing the same things. So you need to prepare them in the same way, you know. So I would only look, you know, for me, mental health doesn't matter about the gender in that stage. Yes, you know, even some women or teenage girls can be stronger to handle things even though they're emotional. So, you know, for me, it doesn't matter. Like I said, you look at them as an individual and that's it, regardless of the gender side of things, but obviously with the obvious reasons wherever it may be, they go through different stages at different times and, you know, you need to address it at different areas. But that's about it really, I would say. Insha'Allah, thank you. That's a fantastic point to end on. Insha'Allah, we will be coming back after a short break where we'll be taking some questions from our viewers. Insha'Allah, we'll see you soon. As-salamu alaikum. As-salamu alaikum and welcome back to the second part of making a house a home where we've been discussing the topic around raising teenagers. Now, we have a few questions from our viewers. Insha'Allah, you can answer for us for him. The first question is from Manad and she says, My teenage son is very moody and keeps himself to himself. I cannot connect with him easily and the distance is only growing. How can I change our relationship and get closer to him? Connection is built through many and various ways. But again, keeping too much distance is not healthy. And if you feel that you're actually in a position where you're not connecting with a child, then you need to obviously address that with various ways. I mean, that's a very open question. I need to find out exactly what's causing the distance. What are you doing to even create any sort of closeness? Is there anything that they're even doing that's making a difference? And if the child is not responding in any way, in any form, then it needs to be seen too. Because we take it very lightly about mental health and mental issues, especially in teenagers. And when they become where they're trying to understand their growth, their development, not just physically but mentally, especially as teenagers, a lot of them don't want to speak about it. So that's why as parents you need to be open to giving them suggestions and ideas that they might even be going through things. And talk generally to your family. Have meetings where you'll be like, we don't do this in our household. You need to have family meetings on a regular weekly basis to say, this is how our week's been, for example. Or just like a hwtba that they give in the mosque on a Friday. And just give a little royale or some sort of story that whether it relates to them or not, but you can maybe relate it to their age, to their stage or what you think. And maybe they might ask you for something. And we don't do that. As families, it's so important. Imam Sajadr AS says that the parents are the cause of the birth of this world. And they are responsible for their teachings and their manners and whatever it is. It is not just when they're only children. It is when they're teenagers and even when they're adults. But this teenage years is so vital. Bring yourself to being a storyteller. If you can't directly inform them or you're just guessing what it may be because you're not sure, tell them stories that they might actually think, well actually that is something that is linked to me. And you know, Subhanallah, you just don't know when you have that need and you pray alongside wanting the guidance, you will get ideas that will actually be, you know, in keeping with what teenagers face and go through. And each week there will be a topic about, you know, peer pressure or stress with exams or dealing with religion or practicing your religion and you can bring stories into it to sort of tell your child, you know, as a whole, as a family that these are the things that people face and this is how you deal with it and this is the things that, you know, makes it more meaningful, it will actually help you through your challenge. And you know, reach him, reach out to him in any way possible but do not leave that connection to go so much more further than what it is. And again, you know, arrange outings, arrange family get-togethers where they have to be involved, don't just wait for an invitation, don't just wait for a party, don't just wait for good weather, don't just wait for, you know, some sort of, you know, invitation or whatever it may be, you create that scenario, you create that family gathering in your home where it's just for you and your family and sometimes with other friends and family members, whatever it may be, relatives, but you create that so you are bonding in different ways and you watch them. You watch how they respond, you watch how they are with other people, with their friends, with their families, what they're saying, who they're connecting with and why that could be and something that's missing in you that you can get or something that, you know, that they feel that they are connecting with somebody else in a particular way and you don't possess that. You know, you can learn through so many simple ways and as a coach, you know, I make that awareness, I create that awareness and, you know, people come back and they're like, it's amazing because we've just looked through a different lens, we've just seen from a different perspective and that's all it takes. Okay, and to add on to this question, for parents who have teenagers out there, what signs or symptoms could they look out for if they are concerned their child might be suffering from a mental illness or has some issues that they're not aware of? What could they look out for that would highlight as a concern? You know, over time, you know, if it's like more than a couple of weeks or two even doctors will diagnose depression or some sort of anxiety or stress with regards to a tick list or a form which says if you've been feeling a particular way for a particular time then that is obviously, you know, you leading to being depressed. So you need to make yourself aware of these signs over a period of time and usually if it's really long like a couple of weeks or so where they are not communicating with you they're not sleeping properly, they're not concentrating, they're not listening to you, they're focused, they're eating habits, whatever it may be, you know, losing or gaining excess weight, being more and more distant, people look at it as normality now. Oh, but he just likes to play on his game all day and it's fine. No, it's not fine. You need to have that interaction, that human interaction communication. Even if they don't have friends, people, you know, find they can't interact as teenagers, whatever it may be, you be that friend then, you call them in and you speak to them and tell them about your day even if they don't want to hear and say, oh, can you not listen? I want to tell you about mine. You know, you've got to do what you've got to do. You know, it might be annoying, irritating for them or you as well, you've got to try it all but then seek the outside help. Get coaches, get counsellers, get, you know, the schools, the GPs, whatever it may be involved to actually make sure that, you know, your child is safe mentally, is healthy in every way. And just not, don't give up, just keep on. Don't give up and don't leave it for too long. Okay. Like two weeks is too long to be fair. All right, okay. And Charlotte, thank you for that and our second question is from Miriam and she says, we are in a home with many children and I'm one of four and I'm the youngest. The ages range between 12 and 24. There is a lot of arguing amongst us but I want us to get along better. So can you advise me please? A young viewer. Yeah, so sweet. Yes, and you know what, you're so brave already to be actually watching the show, taking it in and writing in and actually, you know, thinking that it's not just the parents' responsibility that me as, you know, as a brother or a sister or whatever it may be that you're part of that family that you can actually take responsibility to create better relationships, to create, you know, connectivity, to create, you know, that self of, you know, respecting and treating and being with each other in a good way. And, you know, as siblings, especially when you're the youngest, you know, people do view you in a particular way or the middle child or the eldest child. You know, you don't have expectations, regardless. So we need to eradicate those firstly. There's no such thing as that. You don't put yourself in a label of being anything. You're a child and you are that brother and that sister in that family and you have a right to speak and you have rights regardless of your age and stage. Obviously within respect and boundaries of that family. So, again, you know, the family meeting. Again, you know, you sitting and talking to your parents and your brothers and sisters about how you are affected because a lot of the times we assume that people understand and know what we're going through, but they don't. That simple, you know, conversation of how we need to be, of how whatever you're saying or doing or not doing is having an impact on me. I'm sure even the parents are not aware of this child that's writing in. All the brothers and sisters are not aware because, you know, they just look at her as a young kid and, you know, not taken seriously. They're going to be teenagers and adults being the youngest and always looked upon as the child. So that's also the thing. So, you know, they don't realize that they, you know, they're grown up now, they're even professional, but no, that's my younger sister, so I'll treat. But it's an innocent thing too. So you've got to understand that, you know, people look at you like that because it's an innocent labelling and, you know, there's no harm, but if it really does bother you, then talk about it. Speak up. Speak up and you've already spoken up bravely, you know, to, you know, voice your opinion and your concerns. So do that amongst your close ones. Do it regular and read up about things, you know, about if you can, you know, talk and, you know, write into the show, then, you know, about, you know, relationships within siblings. I coach, you know, not just couples and, you know, and I do relationship coaching. Relationship coaching is any relationship, whether it's siblings, whether it's parent-child, whether it's colleagues, friends, team-works, whatever it may be. So there is definitely relationship that we need to understand how to be with different people and it might not be the same with your older brother and sister, then the same with your younger brother and sister. We need to learn to adapt and change accordingly to different personalities and also be accepting because also we want things our way. Yeah. So there's a lot of things to consider. But brave as you are, I'm sure you'll figure it out. I'm sure. But start with the communication, most definitely. Yeah. Nishala, thank you for that. And our next viewer is Anon. And the question is, what are the best ways of raising teenagers when the parents are separated? This is quite a common issue. Well now, yes it is. With separation and there are the old mindsets and bad cultural, you know, habits which come into play that once there's divorce, then everything has to be, you know, cut split in between even relationships. But you have to realise there are still connections, there's still friendships, there's still relationships. And it doesn't mean that it has to be the same. But when you try to build and continue and create similar relationships within those divorced families, which will help the well-being of the family. So if there were cousins that were friends and now they've split, you know, that relationship or that friendship can still exist. You still have your privacy. You still can carry on with your life separately, the couple itself. But the outside people from that doesn't need to really necessarily break. That's the usual way thinking that everyone splits. But it doesn't mean that. And remember, those children have love for each one still. Just like the parents do. And when you're raising this, and if you cannot come to terms or bring those families where they can still have friendships, then you just be strong in your household. And you show them and you teach them better. But it would be amazing if now we look at situations like divorce and separation further and beyond what it used to be and move forward with the times of knowing that yes, two people have been together romantically but they've separated but there is still a connection. There's still a connection for the children with relatives and cousins and things like that. And yes, they'll be taken separately but friendships have been built for years. And just because one decided they didn't want to be together doesn't mean the whole lot behind them have to be that. Yes, you still support your own family. There's always support. Just like if someone was to hurt somebody or injure somebody to somebody else and you're going to support your family in a courtroom if they're going to be judged for it. But you're going to have to also be just about what they've done and be righteous about the relationship. And our prophets and our imams were kind and good and loving and caring to their enemies. And these are not your enemies. It's just separation and disagreement and agreement, even no matter how bad it ended. There's still family connection and we need to make ourselves more wiser to that and not just say oh well they're divorced now and she's related to the other one's partner so I can't be friends with her and we need to keep it separate because conversations might happen. That's just like assuming things because you think can be like that, be civil about it especially for the case of the children. But then to see everyone else around them like the blocks in the building breaking that's how it is to them. But to still see that okay that foundation is not that stable but you know what we're going to go separately but we still have those other furniture that's there still waiting and waiting for us to sit down and play. I don't know how else to say it. I'm not trying to make it in a way that this analogy is making it likely for it because I know of children that want both parents together but if they don't get that they're happy to still see the cousins together play or they're still happy to see their parents friends from the other side relatives or cousins or whatever it may be and that creates that sense of okay it's okay it's natural it's normal. So if you can't create friendships still and you can't maintain the friendships in that household just be strong yourself just give them all the love and the support and make them know that it's not their fault because a lot of kids take it upon themselves to think that they are to blame for separation and whatever it is and never put the other one down no matter what. No matter what your child loves both no matter how you feel or they love the other grandmother or the other cousin or the other auntie or whatever it may be you do not bring your own emotions and your own situation and force it upon the children and make them choose or make them feel like you know at the end of the day there is going to be now you know we're better and we're bringing up you better allow them to have that love and that kindness and that friendship for the other side not just the parent but the you know the rest of the relatives. For the sake of the children because a lot of Yes. Teenagers when they're in situations like this they are the victims. Yes they are. It's not their fault they're in this situation and so a lot of the time from friends that I know who have had separated parents it's been an excuse for them to act up. To not follow the rules and that's because parents didn't have that arrangement like you saying it was like most divorces previously you had said do tend to be nasty. Yes. And because the child isn't considered and the adult feelings are more considered you forget that actually the one that's affected the most the impact is the child. Is the child and especially with teenagers it's bad enough bringing up teenagers when you're married and you have that stability when you are in a separated environment it's even more challenging so I think people don't tend to they don't tend to see that and when I do couples coaching even for parents that want to split and separate they come to me for therapy because it's not about them trying to only get together they want to also be okay with each other after separation and divorce and that's vital because that's the toxic time and that's a lot of resentment there and one party is probably not wanting it and liking it so I help them through that so that they can still be friendship and civil relationship between the two that have separated or divorced completely because people still have to continue whether they're separate or not they still have to come together on certain occasions for graduation or for birthdays or even if they keep it separate but at the same time to maintain that well-being for that child you need to show them that you are looking out for them first the relationship was you and the other spouse now the relationship is you and that child and even though that always is there but that's the priority that is the most important consideration if you took yourself out even though you're going through a divorce that you didn't want but you considered your child first you're telling me that relationship is not going to be better you're not going to be nicer when your partner walks in to pick them up you're not even going to be friendly because you're considering your child if you ever consider your child there will be no toxic and nastiness at all so why don't we do that why don't we consider our children when we need to consider them not just our own feelings as humans, as even Muslim beings considering the other person first and why shouldn't you consider your own child first that is the blessing in itself and that will help you move forward in your life that would help you even create even in this bad situation when there's hardship there's ease and what will give you that so that's the main thing that we need to consider is treating humans as humans regardless of who they are and what they've done to us and even if they've hurt us try to detach yourself from that and yes it is hard being in separated families but I tell you that even in families families that have this unit they have issues because all it takes is the wrong mindset so don't think that your situation defines you as a parent no it does not it is your psychology and it is your mindset is the way in which you are as a character as a human being so alone or with somebody you can still do it that's 100% guaranteed I promise you that especially if you come to a session with me inshallah and before we do end I just wanted to raise a quick point with regards to raising teenagers now I know there are some well many families where the father isn't as involved they will be married but the father doesn't take doesn't play the role with his teenage boys and I feel that impacts boys a lot because the mum can only do so much with a teenage boy so he has to be a role model for the boy as he is becoming a man that is very very true and you know fathers they love sons they love them to be playing with them when they are younger and take that interest but the interest needs to continue when they are teenagers because that's a very crucial time for them in order to make choices regardless of divorce separation or being even in a family where they are living together they usually think that it's the mum that's at home and they need to take responsibility because psychologically boys do go through certain stages and phases in their lives where they actually look upon their dad and they will either even drift away or they look at them as wanting a role model and they want to turn to somebody to look up to and that actually gives them that proudness and that pride of being who they are because they've got someone standing above them in a particular light so you need to be that light and shine bright for your child especially that teenage young man that's growing up and if fathers had that insight knowing that they are lights to their sons and mums are lights for their daughters as well but obviously they are there most of the time even if they are working they tend to do both but with the father in a lot of cases not all they do play the role of just work and the mum needs to be taking care of children teenagers and whatever it may be and that for them is a missed opportunity if anything it's a missed opportunity for them to grow because we all have stages and even those parents are going to grow old you know what your child is not going to come back to you when they're married and have a relationship with you because you don't want them to do that because of out of respect and out of kindness and out of love and knowing this is what Islam says you want it to do out of choice as well more importantly it should be out of choice and you're going to give them that choice because you've created that respect and that love and that connection from the stage and that's what's important for the future Insha'Allah definitely thank you so much for your email unfortunately we do need to come to an end again and thank you for the great insight on to this subject insha'Allah our viewers have benefited from this topic and insha'Allah we'll see you soon for another episode of Making a House a Home as-salam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu hafawr