 Even though the title says he's acting silent or silent, does it mean it's over for him? Really what we're talking about is the difference between being distant and pulling away versus not hearing from someone. And I could imagine how incredibly frustrating it must feel to experience somebody who starts pulling away, who starts becoming distant or they're just silent on their feelings, their emotions, and we're gonna dive into this. So where does distance, where does pulling away, where does silence come from? I think a person is experiencing uncertainty or doubt. I'm gonna repeat that, uncertainty or doubt. Silence is usually the result of some doubt. And it's interesting because many of you who follow my channel know how many times I put duct tape over my mouth, and I'm like, let's put it here like this, okay? And it represents going silent, how people, human beings, are actually have a difficult time expressing their emotions, expressing their feelings about how they feel within the relationship because it's going to trigger some uncomfortableness. So in men's case, they tend to go silent because maybe they have changed their mind in the relationship and women go silent because they're fearful that will change the man's mind about the relationship. Now, I know this can seem incredibly frustrating. Particularly when men come on strong. Ladies, you've heard this before, this is not new information to you, but I think it's critically important that you understand what I'm about to share with you is I know you've been indoctrinated in the belief that men are hunters and men love the chase, okay? Men are hunters and men love the chase, okay? This is why men come on strong, but are they actually hunting a relationship or are they hunting something else? So I know it's rather confusing because in the very early stages when men and women are amped up on lust and limerence, and if you're not familiar with those two, I highly recommend Googling them both right now. When we're amped up on these chemicals, we approach someone in almost like aggressive manner, like a missile going to its target kind of thing. And yet relationships are so much more, they are so more complicated. Once we've established that you're going to explore a relationship with someone, then that's where all the rules change and yet we have this been indoctrinated in this Disney version of how relationships are supposed to be and yet folks, if you're following my channel, most likely you're in midlife. And I always say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. And if you're in that age demographic, 75% of you are most likely divorced. I'm sure some of you have been never married and we're getting an increasingly number of people who are widowed or widowers who have lost their spouse. So it's a very confusing time when it comes to relationships because they're in many cases, we find couples haven't really established what is the relationship we're in and they barely establish it other than maybe the agreement to monogamy and maybe the agreement of exclusivity, maybe. Okay, it's rare that there is a clear understanding of those two and yet what is real commitment? What is real commitment in relationship? I guess we have promises of monogamy, promises of exclusivity, but it's not in front of witnesses like in a marriage vow, it's not in a contract with where the government gets to decide what happens in your relationship. In many cases, they're just weak promises and yet we call them commitments. And in some cases, they're not even weak promises, they're just weak projections, meaning, oh my God, you're so amazing, let's be exclusive with one another and let's be monogamous one another and we're gonna explore a relationship. And yet the acts of the relationship itself don't really haven't really established anything other than you're spending time together. You've got a little bit of companionship, you have a little bit of connection, you have a little bit of sex. And so what happens is, I think of the analogy like, this is true for marriages, by the way, let's talk, I know this subject isn't about marriage and we're gonna talk about the three primary stages where someone might go pull away, go distant, go silent and whether or not it really means it's over for them, okay? So just in a moment, but I wanna address marriages for just a second because what do you think about it? Most of you watching my channel have probably been married, I said about 75%. Did the marriage end overnight? Did it happen in just one swoop? Or did it really end over a period of time? And then usually there's one catalyst that shifts everything, most of the time it's infidelity or maybe there's a financial crisis in the relationship. Or for women, it's usually a lack of intimacy in the relationship, okay. But I want you to think of the analogy, have you ever heard the story about you put a frog in boiling water and the frog will jump out, okay? Versus putting a frog in lukewarm water and turning up the heat and it eventually boil to death, okay? See, that's what I think happens in so many relationships that people are silent to their emotions, to their feelings and what happens is a relationship dies to slow death and usually it reaches a point of no return. Because had you just dealt with it just like the frog in the boiling water, you might have been able to overcome some of the challenges. So I think it's important to recognize that for a healthy, happy relationship it starts literally the minute two people begin a physical relationship. So what stages does someone go silent on? Do they go distant or do they pull away? Well, first is the early stages of dating in a relationship. Happens in the first few weeks, okay? You like someone but you don't like them enough. And you're like, I lost interest. This is why ghosting is so popular. This is why cutting back communication. And I know it can be rather confusing because this person came on so strong or it might felt like they came on strong. It might not be that they actually came on strong but you perceived it that way. I'm not laughing at you, I'm just laughing at the idea of it. And yet in those early stages that have you really lost anything? Well, Jonathan, I slept with them. Yeah, I know. You know, it's a role of the dice when we include physical intimacy and relationships. And the reality is, is to some degree men and women both need to know whether or not the other person is good in bed. I mean, the reality is for men, sex is kind of the decision making process to move forward with a commitment. And for many of you ladies, tell me if I'm wrong here. You don't wanna get side-sattled with someone that you end up realizing they're terrible in bed. We, believe it or not, those of us in midlife still happen to have a strong sex driver, at least many do. And one of their greatest disappointments is finding out that you invested all this time with somebody and it isn't very satisfying in the bedroom. You know, so this begs the question, do you have sex on the first date and find this out? Do you fall in love with them and have sex? I mean, this is the kind of $64,000 question we're faced with and I'm just merely here to say. Look, it's a personal individualized thing when you become physically intimate with someone. So I'm not here to suggest what you should do, but we have to recognize if something ends rather early in the process, that's kind of the risk we take. I think where it has more emotional effects on us, is certainly once two people made an agreement to be monogamous and exclusive with someone, and then the relationship starts to fade away. I think it's really important and when I say we, I'm just offering it as a global conversation. I think we have to recognize that love is an intangible. Let me repeat that, love is an intangible. When do we actually begin to love someone? I think we can care for someone. I think we can have strong feelings for someone, but reaching that threshold of love, when does that happen? Does it happen when you both agree to be monogamous and exclusive? Not necessarily it can, but not necessarily. Does it happen at the six month mark? I certainly would think by the time you've invested six months with someone doing regular act, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, I would say by the six month mark, you should be feeling some level of genuine love. And, but this is the tricky part. See, a lot of humans are hurting on the inside. They are deeply hurting on the inside. And because of that, they don't have a capacity to actually love another because they're lacking. What my book talks about is what the heck is self love? Anyway, a journey of personal development, self health and spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. I think the reason why a lot of men and women begin to pull away from a relationship is they're actually are still healing in their own life and the person they're with isn't going to tip the scales. It actually puts pressure on them to have to face their deeper wounds. And in many cases, people would rather go silent from even their own healing. This is true for men. This is true for women as well. I know you ladies have a propensity to believe that you are more commitment oriented than men, but let me just say to you, there are plenty of women who have been deeply wounded in their life and they have a difficult time actually fully committing to another human being. So this isn't singular to one gender, but this is the challenge we're faced with because love isn't intangible. We have this glorified fantasy of what it should look like. And yet ask yourself this question, have you genuinely been in love with someone who's been in love with you? Because if you've genuinely been in love with someone who's been in love with you, are you really watching this video? Like, why would that relationship end? I know we can come up with a lot of excuses, but that's rare. And I think the primary reason is there's a deep wound for so many people. They're deeply wounded in that they don't have a capacity to love themselves, let alone another. So now we get to those seasoned relationships. The third stage where it's a seasoned relationship and all of a sudden you see someone pulling back, getting distant or going silent. What causes that? Well, as I said earlier in the analogy with married couples, it's the same story with the frog and the boiling water. It just probably has been festering from some time and neither one of you have addressed this. So is it over when this happens? Well, let me just say this. Who knows? I mean, I can't tell you whether or not the man you're with that's gone silent as of yesterday, it's over for him. What I can offer everyone going forward is dating differently, dating differently. And what does dating differently mean? First off, establish what I call radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement. Radical honesty, laying your cards on the table rules of engagement. What is radical honesty? It's about being vulnerable. It's about being authentic. It's about being transparent. Now that doesn't mean divulging secrets to a person you barely know, but what radical honesty is like, look, I'm not a kid. I'm a grownup. Let's have grownup conversations. If we are remotely gonna consider having physical intimacy, then let's have grownup conversations. Laying your cards on the table. Hey, that's like, look, this is my past, okay? This is my marriage. This is what went down with that. This is my previous relationship. What went down with that? Because believe it or not, now I know a lot of people say, don't talk about your past relationships. Past relationships are absolutely an indicator of where a person's at, depending on whether or not they've healed from their past relationships or if they are still reeling or have a charge from their past relationship. Do you know how many humans out in the dating marketplace are still hung up on an X? You might still be hung up on an X. I've had people that hung up with somebody they dated in high school and they still haven't gotten over that person. That's laying your cards on the table. And the rules of engagement is here is the type of relationship I seek. As many of you follow my channel know, I'm seeking a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. Part of the rules of engagement includes what's called my dating vows. Here's a list of it. I'm gonna share it with you in a moment. There's a link below to get a copy of what I'm gonna share here, the dating vows. It's an agreement two people make before they're physically intimate and it goes like this. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months. This is before your physical intimacy. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process including taking down my dating profile. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting, disappearing or going silent. I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you which looks like what I just described. See, what I'm really offering everybody is a conscious way of dating but more importantly, a conscious relationship. And this is why I highly recommend reading the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Folks, here's the deal. If we know, by the way, speak to a divorce attorney. You can literally come up with the most common reasons why people get divorced. And as I said, it's that frog in the water. So why not reverse engineer this from the very first date if we know the potholes in front of us? Why not head them off at the pass? But Jonathan, the person should just be mature and know all this stuff. Folks, just because someone might be older doesn't mean they have any relationship skills. If every relationship they ever had, they had no skills in that, how are they ever going to improve yourself included? There is this naive naivety out there that somehow we magically are defined into having relationship skills. We don't. And so people go silent for the, men go silent for the same reason women are silent. You're afraid he's gonna break up with you if you speak up. And he's just not, it's not the same reason. Let me retract that. But I'm just saying the duct tape over the mouth is because they don't know how to articulate their feelings. They don't even know how to establish their feelings. So why not begin a relationship from the very first time you're physically intimate, having more grown up conversations, having a game plan approaching, almost approaching this like a business partnership. I know this is not romantic, but do you realize the best marriages in the world have always been arranged marriages? They've been business partnership. Why are arranged marriages the best marriages? Because they treat it with a sense of reverence. They treat it as something that you put up on a pedestal. And we here in the United States just cavalierly enter into relationships with weak promises, oftentimes projections and little or no commitment. And given that casual relationships, situationships, friends with benefits, hookups are the primary relationships out in the dating marketplace today. It's no wonder many of you find yourselves with men or find yourself going silent. And you're asking yourself, this is over. The only way you're gonna cure this is to head it off at the past. It's almost impossible to fix it. Actually, it should be easier to fix it, but most humans don't have the skills. You got to learn this stuff and then find somebody who's already learned the stuff and you joined together. And maybe you have a fighting chats and getting through to the other side of what I call a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. And if you'd like to connect with me in the show notes in the first description, schedule a discovery call with me. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Find my dating vows listed there. Get the book recommendations I have listed. And you can follow, I think that I mentioned Instagram. You can do that as well. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jotland-Barrack of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love, is that's okay. I'm asking you to turn this on a pet, a teddy bear pillow. Give either of them a hug of love, because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch, bye-bye now, bye-bye. Bye-bye.