 Wife of 19 years has an exit affair to upgrade her life. So I downgrade it by leaving her broke, jobless, under heavy debt, and become successful myself. Finding out your partner of 19 years, the mother of your children, is cheating behind your back. Can turn your life upside down. A cheating wife thought the grass was greener on the other side, forcing her husband to improve his character. Are you ready for a healthy dose of cosmic irony? Replace the like button's family photos with Nicholas Cage. Warning. The following story will be upsetting to cheaters. I work nights and she works a day shift. Her job is a male-dominated field, and she seems to be with coworkers more frequently. There is female support staff like office jobs, parts room, etc. We're both in our 40s and been together since 17 years old. We share children together. I won't go into that too much. She only started a career in the last couple years, so a workplace relationship wouldn't have presented itself in the past. Here recently, she's been hanging out with her female coworkers after work. Not the occasional night, many nights. She gets off work around 5 and isn't home until about 7 or 8. A time or two she didn't come home until the morning, because she got drunk with them and slept it off there. I find that unusual, because I saw she was the responsible type and doesn't usually get carried away in social situations. At that point, I'm not highly concerned yet. Last night I wasn't scheduled to work, so I was in bed at a normal hour. I was awakened by her cell phone screen in bed, at 3 am. I couldn't see if she was texting or browsing the net, and she wasn't being secretive with her screen like angling it away, etc. So that's probably innocuous. Then she got up and started getting ready for work. Now her shift starts at 8, and she wouldn't need to leave earlier than 7 if she wanted to grab a bite before going in. I asked her, thought your shift doesn't start until 8? She acknowledged that, but said she was going for a walk with her coworkers before work. She's a diesel mechanic and they have uniforms at work, and she seemed more cleaned up than expected for a walk or work. Not dolled up, but yeah, she was out of the house by about 4 am and would likely be to her friends by 4.30. It's still very dark and it was rainy drizzling, and about 45 degrees out. Nobody owns a raincoat in Arizona, so these are poor conditions for a walk. She drives a truck and I drive a car, so I texted her around 5 to ask if I could get the truck, so I could take some things to the dump. She didn't answer. 15 minutes later I called to ask again. She said they were still out on their walk, but to just come to her work when she gets there and get it then. If not for the rain, I would have thought it's a good opportunity to see if her hair is damp from a second shower. My brain works a bit differently than most and I'm poor on social cues, etc. Am I overthinking this? I confronted her by asking to see her phone. She tried to flip the script and demand my phone, so I gave it to her along with the password. I had nothing to hide. Hell, I don't even have time for meeting others. Anyways, I looked through her active messages and nothing is deleted, until I see this one conversation I wanted to go through, which was conveniently missing. This is the same one I saw earlier, so I typed in the phone number of this person to see whoever's name popped up. I handed her the phone and said I want to see the text with him. She acted innocent and I told her some of what I knew that she texted him before leaving the home today and when she got back and that I knew she was with him when she was supposedly in Vegas. She tried to act dumbfounded, like she did not know why our phone carrier would have several pages of texting records between her and him. Since she didn't want to do anything other than storm off upstairs and retreat to the bed, I went up and told her I was packing a bag and leaving. So that's what I did. I packed up and left. I'll share with you what a police investigator taught me about the confrontation. The first thing he told me was on small crimes less than homicide, the guilty rarely confess, and even if they do, they withhold a lot of information. So even if you partner admits to a one night moment of weakness, they won't tell you about the six months of regular cheating. So forget about getting a confession. By the time you're at this point, you're ready to press charges so to speak, and you're just trying to get additional information to be used against them later. He also told me to start the confrontation with, I know more than you think I know. So start talking. The truth is the only thing that's going to help you here. Don't let on how much you know. This is high stakes poker, so don't show your cards. He also said that even though you're going to search her phone, expect to find nothing. It's either extremely well hidden or already deleted unless they're just stupid. The guilty will hide their evidence in anticipation of the day the confrontation comes. What you need is to prove that the texts and call logs are missing. You see, you should be downloading the text records and calls from your service provider and familiar with the dates and times. Gaps where they didn't text the person is likely because they were with them at the time. This probably matches an absence. Remember, you want them to believe you know, but without playing out how limited your information is. Rarely will you have proof of them in the act. The confrontation. Ask them for their phone. They will protest this and demand to see your phone making similar accusations. Be prepared for scrutiny yourself. As expected, my wife did this saying, I don't even know your password. You won't tell me. Keep in mind the guilty fear discovery. They'll be more concerned about what you're doing with their phone than actually going through your phone. So observe their level of interest in finding damning info on you. My wife barely scrolled the text list and didn't even go into the pictures, which many guys keep. She was looking at the phone in my hand as I was scrolling through innocuous texts. She added, See, I don't know what you think I'm doing. Then I went to the phone icon typed in his number and pressed the text icon. No messages. Big surprise. I went back to his contact and showed it to her and said, Where's his text at? She was like, We don't ever talk. I called BS and told her that just last month alone, she had over 900 texts with him. Where are they? She acted innocent again, but she knew that number was probably pretty accurate. She admitted to deleting them, partial truth, right? Because they were talking about how she wanted a divorce, but she wasn't ready to tell me yet. Don't give too many details like how far back you suspected. You can give a little to add credibility that you already know everything. Knowing how many texts there were helped me, because it was a hard fact and irrefutable and sent the message I wasn't lying when I said I knew things. What I said above is how the guilty act. See, the guilty fear discovery. They will dodge, deflect, etc. Even expect them to tell you where they went, but remember how much they tell you. If the details are vague and reaching, keep pressing for more information. Many lies are only minimally planned. They might be able to tell you about going to the bar with the friends, but they won't have much details like how someone almost got punched or who won at darts, etc. Spouses will tell you about their fun night with friends voluntarily, but the guilty spouse will want to know why you keep asking. As I said, they already know the confrontation is coming. So, they're already planning their response. They're thinking to themselves, how would an innocent person handle this? This even goes for calling light attention to themselves. Our oldest daughter called my wife and accused her first directly. Wife then told me about the confrontation. Two reasons. She had to talk to me first to steer the conversation in case daughter called me, but also because the guilty think if they stand in the light a little, that the attention goes away. I was stupid and should have asked why our daughter thought that, like what specifically she said that made her have that conclusion. I should have even called my daughter. How would your innocent spouse respond if talking to you about someone else's accusations against them? They would likely welcome an opportunity to give unsolicited explanations in detail because they have a clean conscience. Now, think about how an innocent person handles the confrontation. They would likely be annoyed that you want to see their phone because there still is some expectation of a minor level of personal privacy. They would still surrender the phone without much fight. They would be confused more than anything really. The innocent don't try to deceive and certainly don't rehearse it. Also, remember this. The best lies have some truth mixed in them. My wife claimed she was alone at the tattoo shop getting sketches done, but she didn't come home with any sketches. She didn't take pictures of them and had very little details to share. She showed me online pics of what she wanted. Her appointment was at 1, but she left the house at 11.30 and would have only needed 45 minutes to drive there. She came home about 6. Now I believe she went to the tattoo parlor that day, but I believe she went to his house first. They went together, got an appointment card for another appointment, future alibi, maybe had a nice lunch together, and then went back to his place for a deep theological discussion on morals, and then came home. It was that evening I confronted her. So don't expect just because they can prove their whereabouts, doesn't mean they can account for all the time easily. She said traffic was really bad, but no details about the crash like a blue Honda flipped over, etc. She also said she went to Home Depot looking for some rings for a lifting strap but couldn't find them. Empty-handed errands. There's more things he taught me, but I can't recall all of them. We'll update soon. She's still with him. Doubt it's gonna work out for us. I've acknowledged I have anger issues and that's what ultimately drove her away. I've actually been making pretty good progress. She hasn't ever admitted to the affair, but I can forgive because of my role in the whole thing. She's told me that there's no hope of us reconciling, and she suggested we cohabitate for the kids. Well, I was optimistic that maybe we may one day reconcile. I am concerned that the cohabitation was a compromise she was offering because she was still afraid. So I offered her a divorce if that is what she really wants. She made no mention of it since. I see that as a clear sign she doesn't want that. Who knows, maybe even she was softening up a little. We even took the kids to dinner last night and she was pleasant and conversational, even looking at me while talking. I really thought maybe the ice around her heart was melting. Then on the way home, she took a little barb at me, like to remind herself she doesn't love me. It's easy to say you'll just get rid of a cheater, but when you have kids together, the betrayal goes deep. I knew no other life than the life we had together. For the ones who think I'm acting too weak, you win. While this morning she was gone, I knew where she was. Unknown to her, I know where he lives. I took photos of her truck in his trailer carport before. I don't know why I even bothered, but maybe to get a gauge on her emotions. When I got there, it was just his truck in the drive. But then I saw her truck parked nearby. She didn't know I was there, but she texted me asking if we need garbage bags, etc. I told her we were low and then asked if she was at the grocery store and if she could get me some more creamer. As if I believe her. I wasn't getting a response, but soon I saw him pull his truck out of the drive, her truck backed in, and his truck leave. I couldn't get too good a view, but I'm sure they left together, so I went to the door to ring the bell. No answer. I texted her to ask if she got the email mentioned earlier. She said she didn't see it, so I told her what it was, and she said we'd talk when she got back. She texted she was at Costco. I said no you're not. About 45 minutes later she texted a picture of the Costco building. So yeah, she just got there and laying down a cover story. I told her to text a picture of the truck if she wanted me to believe her. She said she honestly doesn't care. I texted back, you're a good person, and I know you're trying to spare me from hurting even more. Or maybe you're afraid of me, and I'm sorry for that. The lies hurt more than the truth at this point. She sent me a selfie of her in Costco. I haven't responded. I'm really conflicted because I've walked out on her and the kids in moments of anger. I don't want to do that again. But at this point, I'm ready to move on. I had the lawyer consult yesterday. My therapist convinced me not to make any sudden decisions while my emotions are running high, so I took his advice and waited. The wife and I are cohabitating for the kids. Yeah, I'm a weakling who's paying for a roof over my soon-to-be ex-wife while she's out wrestling this guy. She has a separate group chat with the kids and tells them things like, she's out with Maria getting drinks. Of course, at 4 a.m. and she's got to be at work in a couple hours and the bars aren't open. My youngest, who's a high-functioning autistic, looks up things like when the bars are open or when the gym is open. So they are now catching her in lies to them. She can lie her ass off to me all she wants, but she's messing it up with the kids now. Well, after a couple good nights of sleep, I'm not losing sleep over her anymore. I did the lawyer consult. Well, the lawyer says with equal time, child support would only be $42 a month. My wife doesn't want to sell the family home and she wouldn't be able to buy me out and she couldn't afford it by herself. Lawyer says if I want to sell the house, the house will be sold. So I'm on a bit of a power play here. I've got way more saved up than her, so that's at risk of equal division. However, some of those things like 401k and company stock have invested yet, and so the lawyer says that's a valid point for not being able to claim them because they're still in uncertainty. The lawyer said I could protect all of that by using the house's leverage. Basically, if I opt to continue paying half the house until the kids are grown in five years, I could negotiate for half the future equity and using that as a concession I could protect my savings. It would essentially be a real estate transaction at that point. As far as my personal life, I was under pressure from missing a lot of sleep and wanting to end the grief and tried to reconcile with my cheating wife, basically doing the pick-me-dance like a simp. I think that was about two weeks ago. I came home from work because I couldn't function properly. I prayed her truck would still be there, and I prayed that God would put a little love in her heart for me. As I said, just know never to do what I did and become the fool. I tried to talk to her, but that didn't work. I was pretty pathetic. It felt like God didn't answer. Fast forward to last Sunday. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I told her that I would be out of the house until work so she can see the kids without me around. She bought them pizza before dipping out again soon after. While I sat in my car, reading this forum and that forum and other things, I don't know why, but I downloaded Tinder and set up a profile. I wasn't looking for a hookup and just casually scrolled profiles, swiping left on everything, talked to a girl, but felt nothing. After work the next morning, I see a profile and swiped right. Again, not sure why. Instant match. She messaged me with hello, handsome. I'll tell you, it couldn't have come at a much better time to hear someone share kindness towards me. So we talked and it went well. We had a couple drinks. Well, I guess it was a date on Tuesday night. I was honest with her about my situation because on the off chance this goes anywhere, I'm not gonna start on a lie. She had been cheated on as well and was divorced a while, but wanting to date again. I walked her to her car and we kissed. Mind you, my wife ended the marriage, so all we have at this point is a piece of paper. I'm not gonna lie. Thinking about this woman and having hope again is what calms my mind and lets me sleep again. Maybe it's God's mercy that he ignored my request and sent someone instead. To show me I can be valued by someone because I do have hope for my future again. It would be nice if it went somewhere, but if it is just a passing moment, I'm still thankful. I know this is all fast, but my marriage was in trouble for years. I had contemplated divorce for a long time, but didn't act on it. Nor did I act to save the marriage, either. Her affair was the final catalyst for ending it, and maybe it needed to happen because neither of us were happy and neither of us were gonna end it. At this point, if I was the one being tested, I wonder if I would have failed the cheating test. I have worried that I'm a risk as far as that goes, so I've always kept my distance around other women. Anyways, the happy memories of my wife are all too distant. This all feels like when someone who has been terminally ill dies. You grieve the loss as soon as it happens, but I think acceptance comes much faster because you've been aware of the inevitability of it. I paid the retainer today. Yup, I got the ball rolling on divorce now. Cohabitation is looking to come to an end soon. My oldest 23-year-old and I are gonna roommate a place. He's not on speaking terms with his mom right now because of her cheating. I'm seeking to sell the house and get my equity. She doesn't want to sell. Problem for her is, she can't afford the payment and won't get enough from the divorce to buy me out. It cost me $2,500. Ouch, but worth every penny. Day trading is my hobby and I'm good at it. I'll soon have more money to execute bigger trades. Also, I've always wanted a 1979 Fiat Spider convertible and never could justify it as a responsible married man. Now I don't have to. So when this is all said and done, I'm gonna be driving around in a car I've wanted for a really long time. I hope the vanity plate I have in mind is available when I get the car. When I walked out of the lawyer's office today, I was hearing, damn it feels good to be a gangster in my head. I'm wondering if she's gonna go full volcano when she gets served and sees I'm pushing the sale of the house. Dumb thing is, we would both walk away with enough cash to get our own homes and she can move them in with her and I can do my own thing as well. Cheating wife is surrendering her truck back to the bank, so she's been trying to text me casually. But I've been pretty good about gray rocking her often just outright ignoring her texts. She texted me to say Home Depot had evaporative coolers in stock. We tried to get one during winter when on sale. She asked when I was finally coming back home cohabitating separate rooms and even saying to have fun at the waterpark tomorrow. I was taking the kids. Oh by the way dads water parks are mommy central so plenty of divorced single moms there. Well, today she texted me to say that she is going to turn in her truck 2019 Ram with $730 payment. So our oldest will have to stop using the old paid off car with 220 K miles. I gotta admit it feels good to see her having to make sacrifices for her actions. Also had a long talk with my sister according to her the guy my wife is with has had four failed marriages on his track record. She seems to think he gloms on to women uses up their money and moves on never to be seen again seems unlikely. Anyways I told my sister that in that case I hope he prods her to settle up on the divorce quickly. I also said I hope they don't break up until I have that paper and have moved on. Short update on what I previously mentioned just had a talk about this she's planning to return the truck because she plans to refinance the house and can't afford a cash out to pay off the truck and still be able to make the new loan amount this fits with my plan which was to get myself off the home she knew I was looking for another place and didn't intend to stay and pay half the bills while she's out giving away her sugar walls. I told her that my plan was for her to get the house but that I needed to get bought out I have a lot of other liquid assets that she would have to surrender a claim to in order to buy me out she still comes up short but the amount, while big is still trivial to me as I see it as a potential cost of a quick exit I want to get this hammered out while she's still agreeable time and distance has a way of getting people to not value equitable splits she wasn't very happy about not getting any part of the liquid assets but I told her she would have 100% of the home and could do as she pleases with it including keeping it until the kids are all grown or even moving her boyfriend in I still have my guard up tomorrow I get my new house and sign affidavits with my lawyer so if you followed my story you know my soon to be ex-wife of 19 years decided to have an exit affair that I discovered in March I did the simp worthy pick me dance but after counseling realize my life will be better without her I found a rental house within walking distance of our house so that the children can come and go as they please I change shifts at work so I can get them to and from school more easily I get the keys and move in tomorrow I already have the utilities turned on I can afford to start over because I've been the financially stable one I also have to meet with my lawyer to sign the affidavits for the divorce paperwork my soon to be ex-wife and I have an email agreement and the lawyer will model the paperwork accordingly so hopefully we'll have signed on everything and just have to wait out the waiting period I may have the decree by late June early July I'm getting a little less than half but if my sanity comes at a higher price then so be it I have some future unrealized restricted stock units from my work that have yet to vest and the agreement includes her forfeiting any future claim to them so if I continue to stay at my job those shares will be worth a lot I see no reason to leave the company I'm at because they have been totally supportive with a 30 day leave of absence including short term disability this whole experience has made me more loyal to my employer since she has a good job that pays well above the poverty line I won't have to pay spousal maintenance also with equal time and being the one who pays for the health dental, vision insurance for the kids I only have to pay $42 a month total for child support for less than 60 months and we're negotiating that away as well I think in 5 years when the children are fully grown I'll have enough money to possibly retire abroad at 47 instead of working here in the US until I'm 70 as a married man I knew I was financially trapped forever wasting money on giant houses and other material excesses that I didn't want I guess you could say that living on the other side of the planet from her would be a fringe benefit in itself as well as far as relationships go she broke my heart making that heart from me there's a girl out there somewhere that I will entrust it to even if it means being vulnerable again love and hope are the greatest things and you should not ever let a cheating spouse take those things from you I like to share this quote with you around here however we don't look backwards for very long we keep moving forward opening up new doors and doing new things and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths moving on crossing things off my bucket list and traveling abroad in a few hours so I've taken the month of July off from work and I'm going to Thailand I think the key to being single again is that you have to rediscover the you that you have neglected right now I'm adding to my list of experiences when the soon to be ex texts me I respond when I feel like it sometimes not for days the divorce is still being worked out the financials and assets are all sorted out we just have to sort out the custody and child support my lawyer said her proposal was ridiculous and no judge would entertain it so instead of amending it we're just going to start with our own my proposal starts with the kids that they are old enough to decide for themselves and I've got a house within walking distance of hers she moved her affair partner in right after I moved out it doesn't phase me in fact it's almost comical how cliche it is as far as the trip goes yes there is a new girl involved she knows my circumstances I talk to her all the time online when I lose sleep at night it's not because of a cheater that did me wrong it's because there is a 14 hour time difference between myself and this Thai girl my advice to the others here still struggling just keep moving forward well my divorce is final long story short I left her after she basically had an exit affair the custody and support didn't go as well as I had hoped but I figured a best case scenario was just that a best case I did get her to agree to letting half the child support go into 529 college savings plans for the boys their teens and so when she pushed for alternate weekends only I figured they're mostly grown now anyways with few milestones left this schedule means she has to deal with the transportation to and from school also it allowed me to take on a travel position at work that allows me to get about 15 hours of overtime each week with meals paid and overtime doesn't figure into child support here I updated my insurance at work and removed her from the policy saving me more money her policy at work may well be more than she will get in child support to top it off I found out she has breast lumps it's like karma for letting another man fondle them sorry if that's harsh for some but I want to be honest I don't have insurance plans to make sure she doesn't benefit I saw her in person the other day when I gave her some money for a medical need for one of the boys I wasn't phased I didn't feel much of anything I'm out here living my best life now and don't need any dark clouds messing that up for those of you just beginning this journey through hell keep on moving you don't want to let the devil catch you resting I had sleepless days acting like a simp had to take leave from work etc all I got to say is you will survive keep on going karma starting to roll the dice I tend to believe that justice is eventually achieved and that people generally get the outcome they deserve I found out she recently got fired from her job it's pretty fitting considering that's where she met her affair partner supposedly she was being harassed by a co-worker and she reported it and was fired she was the one doing the harassing since she already ruined two marriages and slept with a co-worker in the past yes you heard that right two marriages as her affair partner was married also I imagine that history might not help her if this becomes a lawsuit broken jobless and under heavy vehicle debt she has to sell the house she intended on keeping she can't afford movers her back is bad and her boyfriend is old and will probably get stuck while they try the tango that got her into this mess crazy thing is I know of a good job that would be better pay and benefits than her old job part of me wants to pass on the info but the bigger part of me just wants to pop some popcorn well my therapist told me a long time ago that it's not my job to rescue her and not to carry the burden of doing so so extra butter it is then be ready in case she comes back for you don't take her back and I'd choose the popcorn route your therapist is right it's not your job to save her I used to be goal oriented to solve all the problems that would come up so that's something to watch out for she always does these reach out type of texts like finding something I left behind and asking what I wanted to do with it I've pretty much taken the stance of if I'm not legally obligated to respond to this in some way then don't my two cents I like the way OP went to a better place and grew into a better version of himself I really hope he works on getting rid of his anger issue a man needs to be in control of his emotions it will not help him if he can't control it he also mentioned thinking she was the responsible type before this all happened but his story alone gives me so many red flags about both their characters and behaviors that I would advise OP to double down on reflecting on his choices and conclusions to not only acknowledge his lack of good social skills but also learn about being a stronger rock for his son on the autism spectrum if his mom's unstable he might need you even more to be strong I don't know the full story as OP shares shimmers of light on some important subjects but I want to have mentioned this his story misses the depth for me to know why he made some choices I sense he went to Thailand to explore staying there permanently in the future and this could have something to do with his day trading hobby I hope he sees the situation objectively too moving abroad and risking wealth for more money can be risky I hope he takes this into consideration before permanently moving there if he does, I truly wish him the best and I'm grateful for him sharing his story with us that brings us to the end of this story what would you do if you were in OP's shoes when life gives you infidelity would you be able to make self-improvement lemonade? let us know down below don't forget to replace the like buttons family photos with Nicholas Cage see you in the next one