 As much as we like to talk about men liking the chase, women love the chase. I mean, me specifically, I love the fact of like, you might be interested one day and then the next day, I don't hear from you. I used to love that. I used to get a high off that. I used to get a high off of, you know, am I going to see him today or is he going to be with nine other riches? Like, what is going to be that? I think a lot of women complain about men and they complain about men in a way as if they understand manhood better than us. So the question is, if you woke up tomorrow and you were a dude, describing as much detail as you can, what kind of man you would be? Wow, I think I'd be the kind of man that I am as a woman. Like, if that makes any sense, like the same level of compassion that I have the same level of like the gardeness that I have and the same level of like, I don't know how to say it, just like the nonchalant part of me would probably take over more than anything. But I think that just watching other black men's experiences, including like, you know, my father's and my brother's and my fiance's like, it's changed the way I think I would have been as a man. But I think I would try to be a little more vulnerable and just have more of a sense of awareness because I feel like a lot of men aren't, I don't want to say a lot of men. I don't want to generalize. I will say that some men that I have encountered don't necessarily have a sense of awareness or if they do, they just don't give a fuck. So yeah. So my follow up question is that version of a man that you would be, what would his relationship with women be like? Probably open as open as possible at least because I feel like again with the men that I've encountered a lot of the times there, I don't know if it's fear or if it's just like lack there of communication skills, but it's a lot of hidden things, like a lot of hidden agendas, a lot of hidden problems that if I feel like if you just brought to the table, it would be changed. So I feel like I would try to be as open as possible. But what I'm asking, do you think that type of man would have success with women? Because like you're asking for openness, a lot of men don't feel like women genuinely want the openness you're describing from a man. They want a man to be a fortress of strength and stoicism and that's why a lot of women go after bad boys, you know, does and things like that. So what's interesting is sometimes when you hear women describe their ideal guy, it's not the guys that they're messing with. So what's the problem? What's the disconnect? The disconnect is that you're right. Like there's a lot of growing up and even like how we're just talking about fairy tales and stuff like that. We're conditioned as women to feel like a man is supposed to come in and save us and that they're supposed to be this strong force that saves the day and is perfect. But on the other side of that, there are actual feelings and emotions. The disconnect is when you start showing me your actual emotions, it freaks me out personally. And having a man who speaks about those things and is vulnerable enough to show all of his emotions is scary because it's like if you maybe feel like you aren't all the way solid, how are we supposed to be solid? Because you're in turn, if we're talking biblically or whatever, supposed to lead and guide us. So if my leader or my rig or what not my rig, whatever we want to call him, if he's not sturdy, then what are we supposed to do? Okay, so why would you be that dude then? Why would you be the dude who you know is not going to be successful with women? Because there's always going to be somebody that wants him regardless of the success level. You might not be successful with all women, but there's going to be some women that wants you. And then also you have to think about your goals as that man. So if I was that man trying to be open and blah, blah, blah, my goal necessarily wouldn't be to get all the girls. Because I think that's like a shield of armor, not under armor, but you know what I'm trying to say, there's a lot of pride in pulling a lot of chicks now or having bitches. But like if I was that man, I wouldn't be trying to do that because I'm not trying to do that as this woman. You know why men do that? Quality control. Yeah, you know, when you improve yourself to a certain level, you then have the pick of the litter. You can then speak with bass in your voice and say, I'm not willing to tolerate this. I'm willing to tolerate that. So in order to do that, you first have to be as attractive as possible to as many women as possible. Yeah, that's true. It's funny that you say that because I know somebody who's fairly wealthy and people just excuse all of his nonsense and he has like you said, whoever they could possibly want. And it's just like, there's not any feelings attached to it anymore. It's just like, I might like you, but I'm still have 19 other girls over here. So it's interesting that you say that. Yeah, and I think it's interesting that you describe the man you wouldn't be attracted to. That's not true. So would you be attracted to the male version of you? Yeah. Why? Why? Well, because now say this was, you know, seven years ago, then hell no. But now there as a woman, there's a level of self assurance that I need that and openness that I need in a relationship to function. Now do I was like it? No, but I need that now. And so I think I would be attracted to that person because he is me in terms of the fact of like, I've grown to try to appreciate that openness and try to appreciate somebody who's a little bit more blunt with me, if that makes sense. So the question that comes to me like immediately is like, why did it take you seven years to get that? It's chasing the bad boy thing. I was chasing the, you know, I've always I've romanticized my entire life. If it were up to me, I would be married seven years ago. Like that's just how I've been. So when it comes to that specific part of the question, I just wasn't there. One, I was trying to seek validation from every guy that I saw. And two, I was dealing with self esteem issues. Like, of course, if you tell me that I'm pretty today, then I'm taking that shit to the head and I'm running with it as long as I can. So that's why. Because there was a lot of other underlined issues there. And I think it's important that men empathize with that. Yeah. I think part of the reason they don't is unfortunately, some women don't like to hear this, but somebody somebody said women age like milk and men age like wine. Yeah. And meaning that, you know, society values women based on their fertility and their youth. Yes. And in your peak, you don't prioritize the right things. But when you're on the way out the door, then you want those dudes who made something out of themselves who you shitted on to now want you. And they're looking like, you know what I'm saying? So like, what do you have to say to those men who are like, man, why, why these Facebook girls coming back in my DMs after they didn't have five kids by Pookie and Ray Ray? What do I have to say to the men? Yeah. Oh, man. And the women, you could talk to both of them. Well, personally, I'm that girl. Like I kind of waited until I got my shit out. And then I went to the one that is like that. So what I have to say to the men is, no, you're worth, because you know, that like you said, back then you didn't want me now I'm hot. They all want me are all over me or whatever he say. Um, no, you're worth because again, that woman is looking for what she couldn't find in that bad boy or that inconsistent man. And for the women like, wake up, like you have to wake up. Like I had to wake myself up and be like, look, bitch, this is what you need, you know, and this is also what you can make into actual partnership. It's not just like status or because he's cute or because he's this or he's that like there's actual stability here. And I think that's what we're all craving, honestly. So yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing. A lot of the dialogue that I have with men is like, women crave stability after 30. Yeah. That's not true. I don't believe you. So okay. So segue that into what, what is so attractive about the bad boy and then tell me what can the good boys learn from that bad boy? There's as much as we like to talk about men liking the chase, women love the chase. I mean, and me specifically, I love the fact of like, you might be interested one day, and then the next day, I don't hear from you. I used to love that. I used to get a high off that. I used to get a high off of, you know, am I going to see him the day or is he going to be with my other riches? Like what is going to be that I think that what a good boy can get from a bad boy is just not always being available. Because if we're really thinking about it, when we think about the definition of a good guy, it's you often hear that he's being ran over or he's being taken advantage of, but at what point do you make boundaries and set boundaries? I feel like the bad boy has his boundaries or he's just so busy fucking up shit over here. He has to have, you know, unspoken boundaries, you know. That's facts. That's facts. Okay, so I see the ring on your finger. So the question and, you know, men talk about this sometimes, but it seems like too many women are in a rush to get married. Some of those women are not actual wives. They're not wifey material. But we've created this image of the, you know what I'm saying? So why is that? What's going on? Why so many girls in such a rush to get married and not really thinking it through? It's like you're, it's like just that it's your moment to sigh and release. It's like, I know it's not true because I know married men, she all the time I've seen it time and time again, been approached by it, whatever. But I feel like for women now and maybe even back then, it's a token of like he finally chose me. He didn't choose anybody else. He chose me. And there's nothing else that I have to worry about, which I know in reality is not true, but it feels like that. It feels like I've finally been chasing after all these dudes. And finally somebody is like, this is what I want to spend my life with. Do you think enough of, enough of us as you think about what happens after happily ever after? Not at all. Not at all. If I'm being honest with you, so much has happened since I even put this ring on my finger and it's been less than a month. And it's like, you don't, nobody thinks about that. You plan this big grandiose, so wedding or maybe you don't, maybe you just go sign papers and then you're married. And now you have this person that you're legally bound to. And a lot of people don't know what to do with that because they want their freedom or they don't know, they don't like to answer to certain things because I know this because this is speaking for myself. But no, people don't think about that. And they don't think about the fact of if this is really going to be for the rest of our lives, what that entails. So, no. So what do you think that leads to? That's what leads to the side chicks, the side baby mamas, side men dudes, these weird relationships. I mean, I personally believe like if you choose to be polygamist later in your relationship or if you choose to have an open relationship, it's an agreement. But I think that people get married and they're so afraid to change their agreement that they create all this chaos. Think about our grandparents. Think about how many of our grandpas or even grandmas had these other families that you didn't know about until you led grandpa to rest. There's so much behind it because people don't want to communicate about it. Okay, so let's talk about that. Like why so somebody said all marriages end. Most marriages fail. So all marriages end in either death or divorce. Most marriages fail because statistically 53% end in divorce. But there's even a greater percentage that end, but we stay together for the kids. We stay together for the image and we stay together, but they're miserable and they don't love each other no more. They live in different houses, different rooms. So why is that? Why do most marriages, at least in the West, and specifically with black people, fail? It's because of the communication. I really just, I really believe it's because of the communication. It's because people, you get so caught up in trying to chase this American dream, especially black people. We get so caught up in trying to catch up to what, you know, our counterparts already have. So we're trying to catch up to something and then you're trying, you're not communicating and you're putting these extra things on your back. There's so much weight just being this color. Like there's so much weight behind it. And then you bring in a partner and then you bring in babies and then you bring in bills and houses and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I just, I think that's why because you get so overwhelmed trying to be meet the Joneses or whatever they're called that you forget what it's all about because that's literally what most of them did. It's, we argued about money. We argued about baby or we just couldn't make it work. I think, I think, you know, just to take it a step further, it's communication, but more than communication, it's comprehension. Yes. You want to speak to that? Yes. Literally, that's my life. I literally comprehending has been such a challenge because, you know, we all think we're so smart because we can open our mouths and say how we feel. But can you comprehend what that person is telling you? And then to go like a step further, like you're saying, can you then act on what they need you to do? Because you can tell me that you don't like anything that I do. I say that I understand and then I continue to do it. And then that continues to make the wound deeper. So yeah, I agree because we always want to have these big conversations and then there's no action behind it. So one of the things that I see men talk about a lot, and I hope you can shed some light on it, they say that black men say that black women are unwilling to receive any kind of critique. You can't tell y'all shit. It don't matter if it's my girlfriend, my sneaky link, or my wife. You can't tell a shit. So is that true? Why is it true? And is it a problem? Okay, is that true? No. Why would it be true? Because I feel like, again, we're battling so much just as black and brown people in general, but specifically the black woman, because she's trying to catch up to everybody that it feels like when you have a partner, sneaky link, whoever that may be, I just want you to be my peace. And sometimes that means shut the fuck up, because I just want you to be my peace and not tell me what I'm doing wrong. And a lot of that aggression comes from that. It comes from the fact that I have the weight of the world here and I need you to be the one who isn't giving me the bullshit that happens outside of this door. Because that's what I deal with. I go home and I just, I don't want to talk about this. I don't want you to tell me that I'm wrong. I just want us to coexist, which I know isn't healthy, but you know, but what was the last part of that? What's the solution? Yeah, or is it a problem? It's a solution. I had a conversation with a young lady the other day. She's probably like, in her early 20s. And she has, they have the same circumstances, except she's really young. And I'm like, the only thing I feel like can help at this point and because I believe in therapy is maybe a non-biased third party because a lot of the times by the time we get there, nobody's listening. And you damn sure aren't comprehending if you aren't listening, because you're trying to get out everything and be right. So I personally think a good solution is to have a third party there. Because if I can break down what you're saying and break down what she's saying, then hopefully you guys can come back together and figure it out. So I'm gonna say something to you and I want you to react to it. I think a big part of the reason is that an uncomfortable number of our women are masculine. And what happens in the household is you end up having two gorillas in the household and neither party wants to yield. So what do we do with that? That's a hard one. Because even when you said the word masculine, the first word that came to my mind was submit. Because I'm told if I'm reading the Bible or not even reading the Bible, listening to some of these people out here that I'm supposed to submit to you. But you're not giving me nothing to submit to. Then why are you with them? I don't know what you're with them. Personally, I don't have that problem, but I feel like you're with them because again, we thrive and we want so badly through social media, through normal life, through all of the mental health things going on, a companion. And so sometimes that means you just deal with the shit that you have versus going to find better. And I'm a gorilla because if you're not leading me right, but maybe you're doing something else, right? Like maybe you're fucking me right. Then I might stay because if I'm being honest, that's like 60% of the relationships sometimes. But don't you think there's some cognitive dissonance there? Because you're saying I won't submit to you because you do everything wrong, but you do this one thing right. But this one thing he does right involves submission. Because when you have the sexual somebody, you're submitting to them physically. So why the nitpicking and picking and choosing? Well, because I'm a gorilla, right? If we're using your analogy, I'm a gorilla. So that means that my animalistic instincts aren't always rational because that's what happens. If you really sit down and you really talk to a lot of people that are in relationships, a lot of this shit is not rational. We're just here and just doing it. So it might actually be submitting, but it doesn't feel like submitting because I can still be that gorilla when we're being intimate as well. So a lot of men are going to say that means that women don't really love men. They just love the utility of men. He's just my Instagram picture buddy and partner. He's the person who helps me. Because one of the theories I have is whenever a girl gets in a relationship in her friend group, she moves up a rank. When she gets engaged in her friend group, she moves up another rank. When she gets married, girl, you the one who got married. She moves up another rank. So you start idealizing things that you're not qualified for and that you don't actually want. I mean, I will say you kind of right. Just a little bit though. When you have a man and your friends don't have a man, it makes a difference. Like they'll, you know, oh girl, I just treat you so well. I wish I had X, Y, and Z. And of course you do go up the ranks or whatever, but I just really feel like it goes back to how we were conditioned in the fairytale world and that especially with social media now, if you don't have a fat ass, a bunch of money, travel every day and have a partner, then what are you doing? That's just that. That's how I personally feel. Well, I think part of that, and I was talking to somebody about this the other day, are women having actually been conditioned to like men? No. And a lot of times you hear women say, you know, every guy wants a girl with a BBW and a fat ass and every guy wants a girl with big eyelashes and make full face of makeup. Why do you guys think that's true? Because that's what seems to be the commonality. Again, I know it's not the majority, but that's what's put out there. And not just on social media, but in real life. By who? By the men, by the media, by everybody. And again, it's not the majority, but when you sit and you look at media most of the time, that's what it is, that you have to have those things and you have to be that girl because if you're not, they're not checking for you. So who controls the media? Who controls the media? Is it black men? No, it's not black men. It's never been black men. So why would we be blamed for these paradigms that you just listed? Because in the end, well, okay, so first to answer your question, who controls media? Well, luckily we're in the day and the age where black media is a lot more, I guess, publicized, but majority of the media and stories and things like that come from white people because they always have come from white people. And what was the second part of your question? And why do we get blamed for it? You get blamed for it because you follow it. It'd be different, not you, but it happens. Okay, let's first. Me, my best friend is a, she's a fair skinned, biracial girl, long, beautiful curly hair. She's smart as all get out. And then there's me, smart. And I'm, but I'm a little bit more laid back than she is. I promise you men have not even spoken to her and offer it. She gets everything that she wants just by existing. While as me, it's just kind of like she's the buddy here or whatever. But I mean, there's just so many more examples that I could give you of that because if we're going to go even more, the pretty privilege thing is very real to you. A question real quick. Is she engaged? No. But you are. But this was before I was engaged. This was when I was in college. No, but you won. Oh my God. It's slow and steady was the race, right? No, yeah, of course, but I'm just saying, yeah. So it's about the attention because I guess the issue men have with it, for instance, you know, one of my exes, we would debate over those big ass butterfly eyelashes. I hate them. I hate them with a passion. But she insisted on wearing them because it completes my look. I'm like, for who? You don't do don't like it. So like what for until I realized that what happens is women are conditioned to only see men at the top. And in our environment, especially in our community, men at the top look like entertainers. So my theory is most women are attracted to and and level set based on peacocks. And you think the average guy thinks like a peacock. So why why why do I get blamed for what future does or what he wants his woman to look like? Well, clearly he's a whatever he's the colors, but we're not going to talk about that. But anyways, you don't get blamed for what future does until you act like future. Because what you also have to realize is, yes, those men are peacocks and they're the ones showing their pretty feathers. But also in that same sense, then you as a normal man are at being like him too.