 The Avid and Chastello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's burst in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich in his orchestra, the songs of Tony Hanks, the stars of the Monday Night Blondie program, Kenny Singleton and Arthur Lake, tonight's guests are Bud Avid and Louis Costello. Oh, there you are, Costello. Well, why are you late this time? Oh, boy, Avid. What happened? I just got back from the Naval Base in San Diego and I got a message of great importance for all the sailors, from all the sailors to every woman at girl in this audience. Well, what is it? You know, shut up, Costello. What were you doing down at the Naval Base? Oh, what was I doing down... I was helping them launch a submarine and they gave me the most important job on the boat. Really? What was it? Well, when the sailors got the submarine ready for dive, I ran forward and held it's nose. Then what happened? Then what happened? Down we went, Avid, 60 feet in the water. When we got down to the bottom, I hopped off and took a walk. You took a walk in 60 foot of water? And why not? I had my rubber son. You know, after all, we have to give those sailors... Oh, really? We have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful. Oh, I like sailors too, Avid. But I'm really in love with the Marines. Yeah, Marine O'Hara. No. Talk, sense, Costello. Between you and me, love is silly. Between you and me, love would be ridiculous. You don't even appeal! Oh, I never mind all of this. Listen, we've got important work to do. The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town. Good. I gave all my paper at it. I even ripped the paper off walls. Then I repeated the walls with the rolls of music from the play of piano. You covered the walls with the play of piano rolls? That's what I did. That's fine. Good. Fine. Fine nothing. Now, every time I sneeze, the walls play mercy notes. No. Listen, will you get down to business, please? This campaign is important. I want you to do your part by going from door to door. Now, can you do it? Oh, that used to be my racket. One time I went from door to door to sell a mosquitoes. No, that's idiotic. Who'd buy mosquitoes? Nobody. Then why did you sell them? No competition. Oh. Oh, here's Ken Nile. Well, hello, fellows. How's the waste paper drive coming along, Mayor Abbott? Just fine, Ken. Castello just promised to go all over town collecting scraps of paper from houses, scraps of paper from offices, scraps of paper from vacant lots. Well, you couldn't have picked a better man. He's scrap happy anyway. Hey, you see... Sponnie, hello. If you want a sense of humor, I have Castello. One, two, three, and I jump all over you. Four, five, six, and you get right off. No. No, let's not start an argument. Say, Ken, what did your wife say when I appointed her head of the paper drive committee? Oh, she was very happy, bud. She says people will think she's the most fortunate girl. She'll be fortunate if people think she's a girl. Oh, I heard that remark. You overstuck low boy. Just a minute, Mrs. Niles. Mrs. Niles, I hate that. Oh, no. You look like two-thirds of me, the people. Castello, you should treat Mrs. Niles with respect. She has character. Look how high she carries her head. She's had her face lifted so many times, it's a wonder she can stay on the ground. Oh, Castello, I never had my face lifted. Of course I have used facelift lotion. Oh, you have used facelift lotion? Yes. I once used that same lotion on the horse. Did it lift the horse's face? I don't know. We can't get them down off the chandelier. Come in. Bonds and bombs will beat the axis, so be sure to pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead. Castello, it's Dagwood. Where's Blondie Dagwood? Oh, she's out in the car. Wait a minute, I'll call her. Dagwood and I are helping Mrs. Niles with the waste paper dry. Yeah. Well, the first thing you ought to throw in this... I fixed it up this afternoon at rehearsal. Who did not? Say mine, huh? Well, here we go again. Well, the first thing you ought to throw in is the paper that poem was written on. I got it. Think of that poem yourself with the someone at Jerk help you. Oh, no, I made it up myself. You had nothing to do with it. Just a minute, Deadwood. That's Miss Wood? No, no, no, no. My name's Dagwood. Have you been inspected for termites? Oh, now, Mr. Castello, don't you and Dagwood have a fight when there are so many important things to be done? Yeah, and we want every bit of waste paper you've got in this house. Some men, I know, are even giving up their college diploma. Have you got a college diploma? Huh? No. Have you got a high school diploma? Hey. Hey. Then have you got a grammar school diploma? No, but you're getting one. Oh, never mind the diplomas, Dagwood. Have you got the waste paper ready, Mayor Abbott? Yes, Blondie, it's all collected. Castello, carry that old burlap sack out to the truck. Okay. Oh, you always fool me, Mrs. Niles. I mean the way you fold your stuff over. Well, thanks for your help, everybody. Now, Dagwood, you gather up those loose papers and hurry. We've got lots of stuff to make. Well, you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie. And you keep up the good work, Dagwood. Oh, don't worry, Mayor Abbott. Dagwood will work his head to the bone for you. Well, come on, Dagwood, hurry up. Yeah, well, I gotta get going. Now, hold the door for me, Blondie. All right, stand back, Mr. Castello. He moves very fast. Castello, come here. Castello, aren't they nice people? No. No. No. All kidding aside, aren't they nice people? Castello, why don't you answer me? Wait a minute! Come on, Castello. We've got to get down to the studio for our broadcast. By the way, where is our script for the night? I got it right here. And... Hey, Abbott. Abbott! What's the matter? The script is gone! I was right here a minute ago. Hey, do you suppose they took it with the waste paper? That's it, Abbott. They took it. Dagwood, that's better. Whatever that guy's name is. You're supposed to open the door. West of the Ivory Coast and the Gold Coast is the independent African nation of Liberia. Now host to United States Army and Navy men. To Americans stationed in Liberia, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world, go camel cigarettes. By the millions, by the tons. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. Whether camel cigarettes go to West Africa or to you, they stay fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning. Because camels are packed to go around the world. Yes, you can be sure camel cigarettes are fresh. Sure, too, that they have more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. Freshness and more flavor are two reasons why more people want camels today. Both at home and overseas. If your store is sold out, remember, camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. And now back to Aberdeen Costello who are still searching for their missing radio script. Come on, Costello, we've got to find our radio script. Yeah, but are you sure this is Dagwood's home? Certainly. And are they classy? Look, they've got their names painted in gold on the mailbox. That's nothing. You should see my house. I got the Costello coat of arms painted on the front door. What's the Costello coat of arms? Two sheriffs jumping up and down in the second mortgage. I'll go ahead, knock on the door. Oh, it's Blondie's little boy, Alexander. Hello, Alexander. Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? Come right in. Pull up a chair and sit down. Hi to you, Alexander. We're Abbott and Costello. Window. Oh, you're a cute kid, aren't you, kid? I must invite you over to the house to play with some of my old... It has to come out one way or another. Must come over to play with my old razor blade. No, no, no, no. Costello, that's not nice. Look, Alexander, we're looking for your mother and father. They've got our radio script. You know where they are. I know. Well, what do you say? I ain't saying. He ain't saying? How old are you, Alexander? Nine. You're going to reach ten the hard way. Hey, Costello, look out the window. There's Dagwood and Blondie going to that house across the street. Come on, we've got to get that radio script. Yes, step aside, Alexander. I move pretty fast. Out of the way, Alexander. He's coming through. Hurry up, Costello. We've got to get across the street while I... Okay. What do you think the traffic lights are for? Well, the red light is the signal for the pedestrian to cross the street. Oh, the red light is, is it? Then tell me, what's the green light for? That's the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrian. Well, don't try to cross the street again until you get the green light and I blow me whistle twice. Or I'll give you a ticket for jaywalking. Costello, will you please power over here? Hey, you all young man. Oh, baby, don't stop me now. I got the green light. I got the green light. Oh, of course, Mr. Squawking had a massage. He was bald-headed. But honestly, you could pass for brothers. And you were very exactly alike. Only he was a seatcock conductor. Why was a wrong seatcock conductor? Lady, you're off your trial, right? Now go ahead. Pardon me, young man, but I'm from the recruiting office. How would you like to join the Navy? How would I like to join the Navy? Yes. I'd like to join the Navy. It's a great place for you. Think of it, you can cross the ocean. Cross the ocean? We're Abbott and Costello. Our radio script is lost. We only have a few minutes to get on the air. Oh, so you're Abbott and Costello, eh? I never miss your program. You don't? No, I go pedal your corn. Yeah, but I'm going to pick a socket. Be quiet. Look, there's Blondie and Dagwood coming out of that building. What's wrong? Well, Blondie, when you took that waste paper basket out of the house, you know, you mustn't have taken our radio script, too. We're due on the air any second. Maybe our papers are on that truck. Oh, no, that load was sent out on the train hours ago. Oh, see what you did, Dagwood. Now what are Abbott and Costello going to do on the air tonight? Oh, gee, Blondie, maybe I can help them out, eh? My whole family was good at making jokes. They certainly did all right with you. Oh, just a minute, boys. I've got a great idea. I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air. I'm sure Alexander would give you the right. I'd like to give Alexander the right. And a couple of good lucks. All right. Wait a minute, Costello. This might be just what we need. Oh, sure, it's a dandy play. All about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. And I know just the part I'm going to play. Yeah, so do I. I'm dopey. Here's Little Connie Haynes, the singer novel of the Olympic hit, Take It Easy. Take it easy, take it easy. Don't you know it's more romantic when a dance is slow? Take it easy, take it easy. What's the good of feeling high when all the lights are low? Take it easy, take it easy. We've got lots of time ahead of us tonight. Take it easy, take it easy. Don't you know the music should be swayed instead of swung? Take it time, take it time. Dance with me. Take it time, take it time. Slow if you please. It's a moment. Take it easy. Yes, I know I'm not supposed to make a rumbus. Jump. Take it easy. Take it easy. If I don't feel the high romance, we'll hit a bump. Take it easy, take it easy. Yes, I know it's time for romance when the music. We've taken it easy. Take it easy. I should really try to make my heart control my feet. Dance it with ease. Dance it with ease. Take your time, please. Slow if you please. Take it easy, take it easy. Come on, Costello. Let's get in the studio. We'll do it on the air in a few seconds. Where's Dagwood and Blondie? Here we are, Mr. Abbott. And I have the scripts of Snow White right with me. Now, if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part. First, I will play the part of the princess, Snow White. Oh, pretty good. And I will be the handsome prince, huh? Now, wait a minute. Talk wood. I played the leading parts around here. I'm a real actor. I was born in a theater. And it cost my father $0.25 extra. You were born... You were born in a theater and it cost your father $0.25 extra for what? The stock dropped me in a load seat. The stock that brought you should have been arrested for smuggling dope. Hey, that's a good one, Mrs. Niles. Dagwood, you keep out of this. I think Mr. Costello is right, Mrs. Niles. This is his program, and he should have the leading part. Oh, what does Costello know about acting? Now, me, I am part of the theater. Your lower lip looks like the second balcony. Costello? Yeah. Costello, you know that Mrs. Niles was a dramatic actress. That's right, Miss Raddick. I've been only five years since I left the New York stage to poke my nose into Hollywood. You didn't have to leave New York for that. Costello, please. When you cut that out, then let Glendia sign the parts for the play. Yeah, now, Glendia, please give me a good point. With Abbott and Costello's audience, I'll be able to reach 30 million people. That's a good thing they can't reach you. Oh, don't mind Dagwood, Mr. Costello. He's always wanted an acting career. Yeah, that's right, fellas. Every time I get near you real actors, I get the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils. The smell of the what in your hood? Oh, the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils. Dagwood, the word is nostrils. Not nostrils. But what's the difference? Nostrils, nostrils. He's got the smell. Dagwood just doesn't know what to do about it. The smell? No, my good. Why don't you recite one of your poems for Mr. Costello? You know, like you do on our Monday night show, he might like to hear it. You want a bit? No. Come on, Costello. Give him a chance. Go ahead, Dagwood. Go ahead, huh? Well, thank you, Mr. Abbott. You're a kind man. You remind me of my father. But Dagwood, Mr. Abbott only has one hand. Yes. What am I laughing at? Why don't I think of a joke like that? Go ahead, Dagwood. Recite your poem. Yeah, go ahead, huh? Very well. Now, this is called The Raven. The Raven. The Raven. As I sat rocking, gently rocking, rocking on my chamber floor, came a knocking, gently knocking, knocking at my chamber door, closed the raven, never more. Say, how'd you like that, huh? Don't look now, but the raven just later ain't. Costello, let's go on with the play. Ken Niles, will you please set the scene? OK, bud. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present the waste paper players starring Aberdeen Costello and Dagwood and Blondie. We present tonight an episode from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, entitled The Seven Dwarfs Sat on the Wagon or The Surrey with the Shrimps on Top. As the scene opens, the princess is calling to her prince. Oh, prince? Oh, Dagwood, this is just a play. Yeah, but he isn't playing. Dagwood, you're not supposed to talk now. You represent the forest. You play the part of a tree. What part? The set. Yeah. Hey, now wait a minute. Ah, but you're a tree. Never mind. It's not a tree. All right, never mind. Yeah, just a minute. Now, Costello, please. Never mind that, Costello. Go on with the play. Come on. Go on with the play, Lou. OK, now we go on with the play. Now, let me see. Are my lovely princesses please let me smother you with kisses? Yeah, wait a minute. You just did that kissing scene, Mr. Costello. Listen, isn't that Deadwood a little too young for you, Blondie? Um, Dagwood, in this play, Mr. Costello is my brave old knight. I thought knights were big tall fellers. This is spring and the night fellers. Costello, will you please read your next line? OK, my fair princess, what brings these tears to your lovely eyes? My dead mother is so cruel to me. She makes me do all the drudgery all day long as wash and scrubbing. What do you hear from them up? Mrs. Look, the queen, your wicked stepmother approaches. But how did she get across the most? She must have caught the guard with his bridges down. Here comes the queen now. The queen, she looks more like the three of clubs. My little princess, I have brought you a nice, big apple. Hey, hey, hey, Blondie, don't eat that apple. It's poison. How do you know? I'm reading on the next page. Costello, don't let the princess eat the apple. You must save her. Here's no white. Give me that apple. I'll make the ugly queen eat it herself. Open your mouth, queen. Oh, you silly baboon, this is me over here. You're feeding the apple to my horse. The teeth fooled me. Oh, my brave prince, you have saved me from the poison apple. How can I ever repay you? Come into my arms and let me smother you with kisses. Wait a minute, there's too much kissing going on here. Who might this play? I'm getting hungry. Oh, what a spot for the poison apple. Here's that one. Open your mouth and I'll torch you the apple. Oh, boy. Brother, he was really hungry. Only three seeds hit the ground. Costello, will you stick to the play? Pardon me, everybody. Pardon me on the NBC Usher in this studio. Hold the door open, Costello. Stand back, everybody. They move very fast. Costello, what was that? What do you think it was? The audience. Oh, get out of here. Costello will be back in just a moment. Thanks to the angst of the week. Tonight, we salute Second Lieutenant Paul M. Koerner of Pontiac, Illinois, who led 22 Americans in four of our tanks against a German-held town on the casino front. After smashing a German self-propelled gun in a tank, Lieutenant Koerner and his men attacked fortified houses, taking 30 prisoners, then sending some men back with the prisoners, the young Lieutenant and 10 other men using tanks and bazookas took the town, capturing about 50 more German prisoners, including a whole battalion staff. In honor of you and your men, Lieutenant Paul M. Koerner, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors the yank of the week, sends 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camel sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts throughout the United States four times a week are short ways to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante, Saturday to Bob Hawking thanks to the yanks, Monday to Blondie, and next Thursday to Aberdeen Costello with our guests, Alan Hale and Sally Otter. Now here's Aberdeen Costello with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Blondie and Dagwood, thanks very much for being with us tonight. Hey, Dagwood, I listen to your program every Monday night, and I'd like to know how you get through those doors without crashing. Oh, there's nothing to it, Mr. Costello. Dagwood, take his hand and show him. Okay, here we go. Hold the door open, Blondie. We're moving fast. All right. I don't see them. Dagwood, Costello, where are you? Good night, folks. Good night. Special guest, Mr. Alan Hale and the Sally Otter. And remember, get camels for more sleep. If you're looking for a cigarette, it won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Get camels for more sleep. This is Ken Niles, wishing you a very pleasant good night. I'm Holly.